Episode 3 The Revolution Will Be Televised

This programme contains adult humour.

# Everything is under control

# Get on up

# Baby, you got to get down

# That's right Everything is under control

# I got your souls under control

# Everything is under control. #

Welcome to Life In The City.

The animal kingdom is full of fearsome predators,

but the most ruthless species, without a doubt,

is that of the banker.

And to examine their strange behaviour,

I've come to their natural habitat, the city of London.

These males right here, formed themselves into a circle

to talk about profit.

Now, if I rub this money all over me,

they won't notice I'm here because I'll smell just like them.

I have found a banker,

an alpha male who holds what is called the company credit card.

This man is literally at the top of the hierarchy.

I can't show I'm afraid, otherwise he will attack.

It's more of a sort of middling level banker

and here he is trying to pick up the female,

perhaps talking about the size of his bonus.

I have actually spotted another silverback male

and if I can just get close to him,

I might be able to listen in to what he is saying.

And he's gone.

I can see the greed in their eyes already.

They find it completely irresistible.

Yes! Ad he has taken the five pound note

and is taking it back to his lair.

It will go towards his next bottle of Bollinger

or his next drop of caviar.

Welcome to Inside The Story.

I'm Dale Maily,

fearless hetero journalist who is not afraid to be unafraid.

I deliver fair, impartial news as it happens, wherever it happens,

telling you the right way to think.

Hello, I'm Dale Maily.

Welcome to Inside The Story.

I'm in the good bit of Ireland,

the North, and it's here where the G8,

the world's eight wealthiest countries, are meeting this year.

As host, Great Britain holds the G8 presidency,

but unfortunately, some lunatic left-wing anarchists

think the G8 is a bunch of power-hungry capitalists

out for themselves rather than the common people.

Time to put them straight.

What are you really doing here,

apart from just sitting around, playing music and waving flags?

What's wrong with positive vibration?

Ridiculous.

As you can see, they are trying to use

their own hippy police cars to go through.

-SIREN WHOOPS

-Can you turn your racket down, please?

-I'll tell you what, if I give you 50 quid, will you go home then?

-No.

-100 quid?

-No.

-150 quid?

-No, money...

-250 quid?

-Money is not an issue to you, huh?

-No.

-No, no?

How do you buy sandwiches then?

Why are you wearing Angela Merkel's face on your face?

Because I want to take the piss out of Angela Merkel.

But isn't the real case that 100 years ago,

Ireland became free of England and then they had to get a bailout

and doesn't that really say,

"Just do the maths, don't leave the Empire?"

Ireland is not yet free of England.

There are six counties that are STILL under England's rule.

You're bloody right and we're not going to

let go of them any time soon. That was an exclusive.

Luckily for me, £50 million has been spent

on policing these mung beans

and to kick the balls in of any soap-dodger who steps out of line.

How has it been going with your British counterparts?

-It seems fine.

-Have they been bossing you around

and telling you what to do

-and calling you potato eaters, or not?

-No.

Are you part of the British contingent

or one of the potato eaters?

When you do crush any of the hippies' skulls, do you get aroused?

I absolutely don't, but I was just wondering, do you?

That corner's safe, that corner's safe.

Gentleman, how safe is this corner at the minute? Is it still safe?

That corner's safe. That corner's safe.

Guys, how safe is this corner?

The streets are safe

but the river remains a vulnerable entry point into the city.

I've discovered a huge amount of dead policemen

on the bank of the river, probably killed by hippies.

I'm not sure what's going on. It's chaos here!

We'll find out what's going on! Are you OK?

Are you all right? What's going on? Are you all right?

Is everything OK? Are you all right?

OK, everything seems fine.

More tension coming up next.

The rise of the faith school

has been accompanied by a chorus of critics

who feel that schools should not discriminate

on the basis of religion.

These critics claim that faith schools' ability to select pupils

based on religious background allows them to shun poorer pupils

in favour of their middle-class counterparts.

With so many people singing from different song sheets,

let's hope the Prince Of Darkness doesn't want a piece of the action.

-My name is Lucius.

-My name is Damien.

We're just trying to sign people up and gauge support really

for a Satanic faith school around the corner.

Today we are just showing the prospectus,

this lovely prospectus here, Lucifer's High School.

You know there are Muslim schools and Jewish schools?

We plan to be the first Satanic school in the area.

-Where is it based?

-There is one right below you right now.

That's the maths department.

I used to be a TEFL teacher actually and it didn't really work out.

Have you actually ever seen a child casting black magic spells?

-It's beautiful.

-No. I'm sure it is!

Where would you suggest we go?

We have a belief system,

you know. We just want to be able to express that

and indoctrinate kids with it.

My daughters are witches.

-They deal with...

-Really?

Do they have brothers?

We accept brothers and sisters,

it's just we usually have to kill a firstborn.

We are trying to get 666 signatures

so we can go to the Department of Education

and say, "Hey, look, Satan is mainstream."

-How old is your son?

-He's eight.

-Brilliant. By his age,

we can teach them to read the Bible backwards, which is really useful.

Hi there.

If you want to grab a seat in the waiting room,

I will let the office know that you're here.

Look at this lovely leather.

We should really get some of this for the staff room.

You're not in the diary, they are not expecting you.

-Is it the colour of our skin?

-Don't know, guys.

Hello.

We have the right to open our school.

We've had 666 people come in and say they want to join.

-That's not true.

-It's a modern, progressive, Satanic school.

I'm not prejudiced against you at all...

If you don't actually, you know, endorse this school,

we will have to put a plague on your houses

and the Devil will come...

Either that or send a demon round to your house, it's your choice.

-It's something no-one wants...

-We can be flexible.

-..but that's something that must happen.

-Want to read the prospectus?

Will you at least pray with us?

HE GROANS AND MUMBLES

HE SNARLS AND HISSES

Sorry about this.

I'm Ewan Jeffries, Labour campaigner.

I'm travelling all over the country to meet the people.

You know, I listen when they say they want change,

when they say they want a Labour government.

So in 2015, I'm going to run for parliament

and this is my journey to Westminster.

My name is Ewan Jeffries.

Man of the people. Labour's last hope.

One of Labour's lasting legacies is the Iraq war.

I know we've had a lot of stick for it,

maybe we did get it slightly wrong,

but I believe we can win the nation back if we say sorry.

So today I've gone to meet Jack Straw

who was Tony Blair's Foreign Secretary during the Iraq conflict.

-I'm the only remaining one at Blackburn Rovers.

-Amazing.

I'm Ewan, by the way, lovely to meet you.

-Jack, could I get your signature, please?

-Of course.

-Fantastic.

-Where do you want it?

-Just right there.

-Lovely, lovely. I think that's very big of you.

-OK.

-Fantastic.

That's great. Yeah.

So, "Dear people of Iraq, we are a very, very sorry.

"Love from New Labour." That's fantastic, right?

You said, "I'm very, very sorry," which I think is really important

because that means that what we are really doing is building new bridges

and hopefully not repeating the mistakes of the past

and actually creating a newer Labour coalition to actually move forward.

-Don't you think that's going to help?

-I think that's very good.

Nothing can be less taxing than the simple act of online shopping.

Amazon, one of the largest online retailers,

did £4 billion worth of business in this country in 2012,

but its UK arms still managed to only pay

around 2.4 million in corporation tax.

This was possible because profits

are passed through to the country's European operation base

in low-tax Luxembourg,

but with around 4,000 people employed

in its 16-acre UK distribution centre,

perhaps it should be redesignated

as a Luxembourg territory.

-Bonjour. Vous avez votre passeport?

-Sorry?

Do you have your passport with you?

You are entering the state of Luxembourg.

What the British Government has decided to do

is basically make all of this part of Luxembourg.

You work for Amazon, right?

OK, well, just bring your passport next time.

Bonjour or au revoir.

Sir, are you aware that you are now leaving Luxembourgish territory

-and entering the UK?

-Yes.

Did you leave your tax behind when you left?

OK, because there is a higher rate over here.

Hello, madam.

I'm going to need to check your boot

for any unpaid tax that might be in there.

If I could just...

Doesn't seem to be any unpaid tax in there at all actually.

All right, madam, no problem.

We want to make sure that anybody that comes in knows and has a visa.

Are you listening? Have you got your visa on you, mate?

Has he got his visa?

You can't just allow people through with no visas!

Make sure they know that

when they leave, that no excess tax can leave the Amazon area.

Welcome back to Inside The Story where I'm getting to

the heart of the matter in Enniskillen

where, despite the police's best efforts to protect every corner,

a load of hippies and Irish pissheads

are streaming through the streets.

What is your problem with G8?

-They're idiots.

-Are they all idiots?

They are basically keeping us all employed

and doing a bloody good job for our country.

Where are you from? CNN, or what?

This is your missile, sir?

No. Go away.

Not your missile and you don't intend to use it?

I don't speak English.

I'm here showing support for my causes.

And what are they exactly, being pissed and Irish?

No, although that is good fun.

There's a man just with his arse out.

What are you doing here and why the jihadi mask?

We're here for the craic!

When will you release the dogs?

When will you stop this rabble scum from coming towards the gate?

As the yoghurt weavers continue to march towards the G8,

the tension builds.

I'm hoping the police will crack some skulls any minute!

Hey!

Hey! Stop! Stop them!

Can you stop them, please?

As you can see, huge police presence over here.

One, two, three, four cars here.

What will you do with these hippy scum?

Trap them against the wall and try to maim them?

Can we neuter them, get rid of them,

ship them back to Ireland, or to the communist countries they are?

Not the good Ireland, I mean the bad Ireland.

Do you know like the bad Korea, the other one?

It's a disgrace. £50 million worth of police

and none of them can say a thing!

Loads of scum everywhere! It makes me sick!

With the police not doing their jobs,

I decide to take matters into my own hands.

People of Ireland, lefties, alcoholics, anarchists,

behind you, eight of the most powerful people sit,

discussing how to make multinational corporations richer

and you scum poorer.

I've got one clear message for you all.

Go home, you have no place here.

Now let's just hear it for the G8.

CROWD BOOS

This is Dale Maily, getting Inside The Story.

MUSIC: "Making Plans For Nigel" by XTC

The question that increasingly

everybody in this country is asking is

what is going on?

Why is UKIP surging?

Well, I'll tell you.

There is a wholesale rejection of

the career political professional class

in this country going on.

We have had enough of them.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And they really do all look the same and sound the same

and please don't just think

that it's just tired Conservatives that are coming to UKIP.

We are drawing our support from across the spectrum.

People are turning out and voting for UKIP.

Yes, some of them, perhaps some of them

do want to stick two fingers up to the establishment,

which is pretty understandable, isn't it?

LAUGHTER

They say it's a man's world

and nowhere is this truer than in the world of men-only clubs.

In July, the British Golf Open was held at Muirfield,

which requires more than a pair of golf balls to be a member.

Likewise, the Garrick Club in London,

which claims to be a hangout for the great and good,

only seems to count great and good as male.

In this day and age, is it really gentlemanly to exclude

half the population from becoming members of these clubs?

I'm Raffe ven der Koont and welcome to my show,

Filth, or Double Fist TV.

Today, I've come to the most exclusive boys' member club around

-with my man-friend, wife. Say hello, Ralph.

-Hi.

So let's go find out what goes on inside.

They don't allow women in

because they struggle going 18 rounds sometimes.

These boys have all done 18 holes and I've heard they are very, very tight.

They are good with balls.

Hi there, I'm here to find out if...

-It's a private club.

-We're here to find out...

-It's a private club.

You're a sexy little boy, but I'm trying to find out

if you've got 18 tight holes for me to explore,

you sexy little radical prolapse.

Eeeee! TWANG!

Can I carry some balls around the course for you?

I don't mind holding other men's wood.

Go to the pro shop, they will let you do that.

They would? Some of your members, I can carry their wood?

We're in the centre of London where, apparently,

there are some naughty little boys' clubs and it's not even Soho.

Radical prolapse! Eeee!

-Hi there, is this the all-male club?

-Hi, sweeties.

-When does the bumming happen?

-Is this not a normal gay club?

They are so cheeky! Hello, darling. Is this one of those clubs

where you can come if your wife just doesn't really understand you?

Yeah, I've got a girl on a leash round the corner.

Can she come in as a pet?

Bitch.

-Hi there. Is there anyone in the little boys' room?

-'Hello?'

-Hi there.

I was just wondering if I could come in because

I just put 8g of MDMA up my asshole

and I really need someone to party.

Is that OK?

-Hi!

-Hi there!

We're here for the dungeon session.

Excuse me, could you tell me where the leather dungeon is, please?

I booked it last Thursday.

We've been asked to leave the little boys' club, but don't worry because

Double Fist TV will always bring you the sexiest in gay club erotica.

Eeeee!

We all need a place to bank,

but everyone is sick to death of bankers.

Well, at the Co-op, we're different.

We may have almost gone bankrupt,

but at least the guy in charge

wasn't even a banker.

That doesn't mean you can't do a good deal.

Allegedly.

# It's not about the money, money, money... #

You don't want to be worried about your money and neither do we.

# ..Just want to make the world dance Forget about the price tag... #

You might think Sandhurst Military Training Academy

is a Great British institution focused on discipline and honour,

but then you probably didn't know that the British Government

had spent £75,000 funding ten-month training courses

at the Academy for security forces

from Sudan and the Democratic Republic of Congo,

regimes with what you might call

a somewhat lax approach to human rights.

So it seems like the perfect school

to send tomorrow's new breed of tyrant.

Can I let you know about an amazing local academy

-you might be interested in for her when she grows up?

-OK.

Well, it's called Sandhurst Academy and it's the best of the best.

The debating society, where we teach kids

to listen to other people's points of view

and then slit their throat if they disagree.

We really focus on gymnastics.

Our pupils get to jump through hoops to avoid international law.

Great sporting facilities, really good at shot put.

We actually use a live grenade with the shot put.

We've got some great alumni including the Mayor of Qatar

-and the King of Bahrain.

-Mm-hm.

-And James Blunt.

Is that something you would like to send your kids to,

-a school like that?

-Yes.

-Great!

Hi, mate. How's it going?

Just down for the open day, which is tomorrow morning.

I was just putting up the bunting over there.

All the dictators of the future are coming down tomorrow

to get their training and stuff.

Make them feel welcome, they can come in and have some tea and cake.

Do the whole shot put with the grenade.

In 2010, the British public was treated to its first

coalition government since the end of the Second World War.

An unequal coming together of David Cameron's Conservative Party,

who have pretty much most of the power,

and that other party with Nick Clegg.

It can be a historic and seismic shift in our political landscape.

Three years into the coalition

and we are following two of its lesser-known MPs,

Conservative James Twattington Burbage

and Liberal Democrat Barnaby Plankton,

as they begin to feel the strain

of this political union's uncertain future.

-Hello.

-Hello.

The coalition government is in the process of dividing up the NHS,

with Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt making certain sections of it

open for tender to private companies.

Whilst critics have said this will mean putting profits before patients,

James sees this as a great opportunity to make a quick buck

and has even managed to rope in Barnaby.

Barney, look at this. I've got myself a bloody ambulance!

Daddy bought it off a pikey.

Hello, sir. You look very sick.

What we are doing today is we are offering

a cure for all of your problems. It's called private health service.

What we are is we are 67% sexier than the old NHS

and 37% more expensive. Does that sound interesting to you?

Not really.

You are looking a bit peaky. Just check her pulse.

If that's something you are on board with,

we could take credit card details.

No speak English.

-OK, thank you very much.

-We can cure that too.

I'm going to insure you against AIDS, cancer

and being run over by a bike, OK?

That'll be £79.99. Ready to pay?

-Let me just check...

-No, no, I'm fine.

-No, sir, it's...

-Sweaty wrist.

-You work for the NHS?

-Yes.

-What do you do there?

I'm a student midwife.

-How would you like to come and work for private company?

-No, not really.

-Delivering babies is what I do.

-But you could deliver babies for profit.

It's not how much you get paid, is it, really?

No, you're right, it's not how much you get paid,

it's how much we make in the margin.

I can see you've got a fine business mind.

You are suffering from working too hard, too hard.

-Let me give you a massage.

-No, no, no, no.

It's absolutely necessary. Listen, you just relax for two seconds.

-Let me take your helmet.

-No, I'm fine.

As well as actually delivering the baby,

it would be your responsibility to sell things to the mum,

like rattles and stuff like that.

Just go far down towards the anus, but miss out the hairy bit.

You would get a commission on each sale, obviously.

Each baby that you popped out successfully, you'd get 15%.

Oh, my God!

-In you go. Shut him in.

-And that is actually a legally binding contract.

That's £250.

It seems every time you turn on the tap,

your bank account bursts its banks, but don't worry.

While the public may be struggling to pay their bills,

some of our best-known water companies are rolling in it.

Take Yorkshire Water who legitimately secured themselves

a net tax credit of £46.2 million

despite generating £990 million in profit over the last three years.

During one of Yorkshire Water's many repairs,

it might be worth installing a separate money pipe

to take their profit straight to the bank.

I've got the tax overflow pipe for Yorkshire Water.

I've got the golden pipe.

-What are you doing?

-Delivering the golden overflow pipe.

It's the cash overflow pipe.

-Is this the finance department?

-It is.

It's the new pipe for the profit flow, to divert it out.

They said it was a stopcock problem.

There are too many cocks upstairs stopping the flow.

Do you know anything about the gold pipe?

I'm to install it

to divert profit flow away from the taxation tank.

They'd been taking the profit flow to the CEO for his bonus,

but they don't want to do that any more. Thanks, man.

Has no-one mentioned the taxation tank problem,

that I'm supposed to install this thing?

First floor in that building? OK.

-We've a tax leak over there and we've got to install this.

-OK.

Guys, I've been looking all round.

You've got this problem with the cash flow.

I need to redirect it away from the taxation tank

and no-one knows where I should put the golden pipe.

Is this the most senior finance department in Yorkshire Water?

It's basically to reinstall the golden pipes

to pump out as much tax...

You'll want that because the previous pipe was too small.

She is finance director, yeah?

-Can you call her today to let her know it's there?

-OK.

-Great.

Thanks a lot. See you soon, I hope the pipe works!

I'm joined by the Liberal Democrat

Shadow Chief Secretary to the Treasury, Danny Alexander.

Do you concede that for

average families,

life has got harder

since the coalition was elected?

There is no doubt at all that families across this country

are under financial pressure.

People will be livid about this.

They pay through the nose for energy bills

and then find the companies they are paying

are avoiding paying general taxation in this country.

I obviously can't comment on the tax affairs of any individual taxpayer,

but people are rightly livid about companies and individuals

avoiding paying the proper amount of tax.

I'm livid. It is something that is not acceptable at any time.

Danny Alexander, thank you for joining us.

High-street fashion outlets like Primark,

Mango and Benetton are always proud to announce their tumbling prices.

They are less keen to publicise that a Bangladeshi factory

where some of their garments were made

recently collapsed, killing over 1,000 workers.

The supply companies might have scrimped on basic health and safety

in order to provide the Western chains with low-priced products.

And while some of the retailers, including Primark,

have set up compensatory funds and vowed to raise safety standards

in supplier factories, did people really have to die

in order to ensure working standards were improved?

The vast majority of the Met's police funding

comes from the public purse,

but in a particularly arresting development,

those bobbies on the beat

have also received £22.7 million worth of corporate funding,

including the £11.9 million

donated by a city organisation representing credit card firms

to set up a unit to look into credit card fraud.

There are other goodies too, like exhibit A,

the free shirts given to the police by Queens Park Rangers

and exhibit B, the cars given to them by BMW and Land Rover.

Whilst there is no suggestion of any wrongdoing,

a system which allows this kind of corporate sponsorship

will always leave the police open to accusations of rent-a-cop policing.

Hello, officer. We're just trying to basically work out

how we can donate to the fund.

-Which fund?

-You know, the old... HE WHISTLES

I like you. "What fund?" What fund!

The fund that everybody whacked 22 mill in. You know that one?

Excuse me, officer?

I've got something I think you might want to see.

I don't know if it might interest you. Just wondering.

It's a hell of a lot of cash.

We wouldn't like to say exactly where it's from or anything.

We'd like to give that as a donation from us to...

Not for any special preferential treatment,

but just to be treated like any other criminal.

We'll leave it here, lads. If that doesn't interest you,

I'm sure your missus could do with one of these, no?

A lovely bit of mink. Very fetching, don't you think?

Hello, officers.

Listen, we're just wondering where we could donate to the fund?

-What fund?

-We heard that 800 businesses donated 22 mill

and we want to be the 801st. Do you know what I mean?

Shall we make ourselves a bit more transparent?

What we're saying is we'd like to donate a little bit like this.

-That's the cash.

-Something like that.

If you like, we will just leave it here as a donation...

Can I interest you in this Rolex? It's stolen.

-No.

-It's stolen and it could be yours.

Just thought I'd give you a nice bit of mink.

What is wrong with these people?

Lib Dem policy...

Earlier, James and Barnaby tried to make a quick buck by offering

private healthcare to members of the public,

but having failed to get any takers,

James, who believes in the adage "sex sells",

has a saucy policy suggestion for Health Secretary, Jeremy Hunt.

Jeremy, just wanted to say bloody well done.

Thank you very much indeed.

-Did you have a good time?

-I had a very good time.

-Good.

We just wanted to give you this to say, you know,

maybe you could get this to sex up the NHS.

Two things really do it for me - privatising public services

and giving nurses sexy outfits. Thanks, Jezza.

Lovely to see you, chap. Send my best to Dave.

OK, see you soon.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd