The Queen of Sheba The Royle Family

# I would like to leave this city

# This old town don't smell to pretty

# And I can feel the warm inside

# Running around my mind

# So what do you say?

# You can't give me the dreams that are mine anyway

# Half the world away

# Half the world away

# Half the world away... #

HE HUMS

# I keep a close watch on this heart of mine

# I keep my eyes wide open all the time

# I keep the ends out for to tie the binds

# Because you're mine I walk the line

# Dee dee dee dee He walked the line

# I find it very, very easy to be true

# I find myself alone when each day is through

# Dee dah dah la la... #

There we go.

He's like a bloody bad smell that Noel Edmonds, isn't he? Eh?

I wish some one would put him in one of them bloody boxes and bury it.

Oh, shite! Graham Norton.

What the bloody hell's going on here, Barb?

It was fine years ago when we just had the likes of Larry Grayson, your novelty gay.

But now it's a bloody novelty if you ever see anyone straight on the television.

Gays can get married now, you know, Jim.

I know! Don't know what the world's coming to.

You know who kicked all that off, didn't you? Elton bloody John.

What's that fella he married called?

-David Furnish.

-Oh, aye. That's the soft sod. Yeah.

I bet his candle's given him wind a few bloody times and all.

THEY LAUGH

-Oh, Jim.

-DOORBELL RINGS

Get that will you, Barb? That'll be Doctor Who and Rose.

-Hiya, Mam.

-Hiya, Denise.

Y'all right?

-Hello, Dave, you all right?

-Hi, Barbara.

-Hello, Little David.

Give your nana a big hug.

-Hiya, Dad. Are you all right?

-All right, James?

-Hiya, Little David.

Come on, up above. Down below. To the side.

Too slow!

Have you had your tea?

Yeah.

What did you have?

Well, I made Little David Turkey Twizzlers and chips.

Oh.

What did you have?

Erm...

Turkey Twizzlers and chips.

Did you like your Turkey Twizzlers, David?

-BOTH:

-Yeah.

Have you had a good day at school, Little David?

Yeah.

-Did you do any reading?

-Yeah.

Did you do any writing?

-Yeah.

-Ooh.

Isn't he coming on, our Denise?

Yeah.

Can I have The Simpsons on, Grandad?

Now, now. What do we say?

Can I have The Simpsons on, please?

No.

-Can I watch it upstairs, Nana please?

-Yes. Course you can, love.

Thanks.

He's a sociable little fella, isn't he?

Ah.

That reminds me, Mam. Can Little David stay over here on Friday?

Ooh, yeah. Course he can.

What time till?

Till Monday.

Oh, yeah. OK then, yeah.

Why, what are you doing?

Well, we fancied a little break away.

Ooh.

-Where to?

-No, away from Little David.

Oh, right.

You see, Dave really needs to spend some quality time on his own in The Feathers.

And I've got loads of catching up to do.

You know, what with Trisha and Jeremy Kyle.

She Sky Plus'd them, Barbara.

Did you, Denise? Well done.

How's that Little David doing at school?

-Well, do you know how we thought that he had Attention Deficit Disorder?

-Yeah.

Well, it turned out that he just couldn't be bothered concentrating.

-Oh.

-Could he Dave?

-What?

Little David, not concentrating.

Oh, yeah. He's got Attention Deficit Disorder, Barbara.

No, he's not, Dave! They told us that.

Oh, yeah. They did, yeah.

How's he been behaving this week?

Well, I had to put him on the naughty chair four times last night.

-Swearing again?

-Yeah.

-What did he say?

-"Homework, my arse!"

-Oh!

Thing is though, it's always me dishing out the discipline with him.

Dave's dead soft with him.

I put Little David in the naughty chair, and Dave goes and sits in there with him.

Ah, do you Dave?

That's very thoughtful of you.

Naughty bloody chair!

What a waste of bloody time that is.

That's why the country's in such a bloody mess, we're trying to fight crime with a bloody naughty chair.

Who's been in the naughty chair?

Ahh. Are you awake, Nana?

Yeah. Who's that?

Oh. Hello, Denise.

Hiya, Nana.

-Are you awake, Nana?

-Yeah.

-Hello, David.

-Hiya, Nana.

-Are you awake, Mam?

-Yeah.

Hello, Barbara.

Hiya, Mam.

-Jim, Mam's awake.

-Oh.

Better luck next time, eh?

< Hiya. Hiya.

DENISE: Cheryl babes!

- Hiya, Nana. Are you awake? - Yes, I am.

- Hello, Cheryl. - Hiya, Nana.

Your bag looks a bit full.

Should I empty it again, Barbara?

Oh, yeah. Thanks, Cheryl.

Ooh.

-Isn't she good, Cheryl?

-Yeah.

-I think she'd have made a lovely nurse.

-Anyway, yeah.

She's only lugging a bag of piss. It's hardly keyhole surgery.

-Well, you wouldn't do it.

-I'd love one of them bags, Dave.

-You'd hardly miss any bloody telly then.

-Ooh, no.

I fancied getting one fitted for the last World Cup game but the National Health...

Didn't want to know.

NAN: Ta, Cheryl.

Aw, thanks, Cheryl.

It's a messy job, isn't it?

Have you washed your hands, love?

Ooh.

No, you're all right. Come on, sit down. You're amongst friends.

Have you got the Evening News tonight?

Ooh. Is it in, babes?

Dad, have you got the Evening News?

-Cheryl's ad's in "Matchmaker, Matchmaker".

-What? The lonely hearts?

There you go.

What happened to that bloke that you was writing to for ages Cheryl?

Well, I sent him a picture like he asked.

A nd then I never heard anything. DAD LAUGHS

Well, there wasn't much future in it really. Wasn't he in for life?

Yeah.

-Here it is.

-Ooh.

Let's have a look.

What does it say, Barb?

Hang on, hang on.

"Charismatic, 30s female..."

No, read Cheryl's out.

"Bubbly, cuddly, likes going out for meals or staying in for meals.

"Both vegetarian and meat eaters considered."

-Ooh. Good thinking, babes.

-"Looking for friendship/love with male aged any.

"Able bodied or otherwise.

"Skin colour not essential.

-"No height restrictions."

-Bloody hell.

You're on a roller coaster aren't you, Cheryl.

"Own vehicle not necessary as father will pick up and drop off."

You know what the problem is here?

You're playing too bloody hard to get, girl.

THEY LAUGH

-It's lovely.

-I think it's great.

So you just press this button here and away you go.

This one?

MUSIC THROUGH HEADPHONES

-UNTUNEFULLY:

-# Love is a burning thing

# It makes a firy ring. #

Barbara! Barbara!

I've got Johnny Cash in my ears!

Hey, Anthony.

Anthony. Does this thing play cassettes as well?

No, Nana. It's just CDs.

Why, have you got cassettes?

No.

Antony, are you going to stay for your tea? It's chops.

No, I'm just on my way to a conference in Milton Keynes.

BOTH: Ooh, Milton Keynes.

Our Anthony, fancy that.

Listen, how's little Lewis?

He's great. His piano tutor's round tonight.

And how's it going with Sarah?

Yeah, good. You know... All right. Good. Yeah, all right.

Hey up, it's Alan Sugar. How are you, Lurcio?

-All right, Dad?

-Jim, our Anthony's going to a conference in Milton Keynes.

A conference in Milton Keynes, eh?

That's bloody great that, lad.

So, should I put the kettle on?

No, no.

You sit down. I'll go and make it, you save your energy for the bloody conference, son.

Can I have a coffee, please?

Coffee? Have we got coffee, Barb?

Yeah, it's in the top cupboard.

-Do you want a Kit-Kat to go with that, Lurc?

-Yeah, please.

Or there's a mint Yo-Yo, or there's a Wagon Wheel doing nothing here.

-Anything, Dad.

-Come and choose one, lad.

-Dad, I'm not arsed. Anything.

-Come on, I want you to pick.

You can even have a Club Orange.

# Fell in to a burning ring of fire

# Down, down, down... #

I tell you what lad, you look the bloody bees knees, don't you?

You're doing really well. You've come a long way.

-Yeah.

-Your own suit, that's cost a few bob, hasn't it?

-Yeah.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you know who you remind me of?

Roger Moore in the James Bond movies. Look at the cut of that.

A matching tie and all that. Bloody hell.

Hey, I'm bloody proud of you, son.

Proud of you. Glad to see you doing well.

It's just that, well...

I've been a bit strapped for cash lately. What with, well...

-the inflation and everything.

-How much do you want this time, Dad?

Well, I'd say 20 quid son.

But I don't think that'd be enough so can we call it 50 quid?

-Bloody hell, Dad!

-Ah, lovely.

Do you want a Penguin with that, son?

-Can I take two?

-Can you balls!

You greedy little get! Who the bloody hell do you think you are?

Swanning around at your conference in Milton bloody Keynes.

There's more to life than bloody money, you know!

What about your family? Now get in there and see your Nana. Go on.

You selfish, selfish little sod!

# ..went higher

# And it burns, burns, burns

# A ring of fire

# A ring of fire! #

That's me and you in The Feathers, your majesty!

# Now, I'm on the piss again!

# The piss again! #

Would you like a large one, your majesty?

Do you want a drink to go with it?

Two large drinks please, barman. Leave yourself out this time.

DAVID: "Luciana kicked the flat tyre of her Mustang in temper, without a care for her Manolo Blankets.

"Shoes which had seemed so perfect in New York but now only served to shout 'tourist'

"to the bare footed peasants of Tangier.

"Luciana was in trouble and she knew it.

"Through her tears, she noticed something.

-"A head in the road."

-Eh!

Oh. Sorry, Nana.

"She noticed something ahead in the road.

"It couldn't be, could it?

"Could it be him?

"Luciana's heart started pounding.

"The Land Rover screeched to a halt and the all too familiar figure of Doctor Curtis Sinclair emerged.

"Luciana started to feel herself."

Eh?

"Weakening as she saw the steely determination of his gait.

"Suddenly, she felt enveloped by his two strong arms.

"Never had she felt so protected.

"Not with Rico, not with Paulo and certainly not with Dimitrius."

Ooh, not with him. No.

"She felt his warm breath on the nape of her neck.

"Every sinew in her body ached with desire for this gifted neurosurgeon.

"She wondered how such strong hands could perform such delicate operations.

" 'I want you, Luciana.' he whispered.

" 'I've wanted you since the moment I clasped my eyes on you dancing alone in the fountain.'

"His lips sought to quench the thirst of her rising passion.

"She knew that this was the moment.

" 'Not here, Luciana, my angel.' he whispered.

" 'Let's wait until Marrakech.' "

What the bloody hell's Doctor Curtis Sinclair playing at?

I've got a little stiffy on here and he wants to wait till Marrakech?

David.

David.

What is a little stiffy?

"She had to admit he had not put a foot out of line as far she was concerned..."

-TV:

-'..country's stunning scenery.

'I'll be watching life float by from the banks of the River Nile as I holiday in Luxor.'

'For years, Egypt has been capturing the imagination of its visitors.

'The wonder of the pyramids, the magic of the temples.

'But the Nile is the life blood of this land,

'which is why I've decided to start my holiday with a cruise.

'Sailing from Luxor to Aswan, the Ra docks in a different place every day.'

How's your dad doing, Dave?

Oh, he's smashing. Yeah.

Is his scalp still flaking?

Yeah.

-Is your mam still following him around with the Dyson?

-Yeah.

How's your diet going, Cheryl?

-Started a new one.

-What is it, babes?

Mainly fruit and vegetables.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, Cheryl.

But I have to have plenty of nuts as well.

But I forgot to take my nuts to work yesterday so I just had a Topic.

Oh, that's very clever, Cheryl.

There's plenty of nuts in them.

Yeah. And, er, two Snickers.

Do you like Snickers, Derek?

-I don't mind.

-Ooh.

Aren't they well suited, Denise?

Yeah.

I'm sorry you couldn't meet Denise's dad, Derek.

He won't come out of the kitchen, he's sulking.

What's it over this time, Mam?

It's OK. She's asleep.

Well, tea time it was.

He went to switch the telly over with the remote control and it wouldn't work.

It turns out your Nana's taken the batteries out to put in that hand-held fan of hers.

Oh, poor Nana.

-What did he do?

-He hit the roof.

He said he'd like to shove that fan right up your Nana's arse.

Sideways.

Anyone fancy a brew?

-Ooh, yes please, Denise.

-Please, Denise.

Derek, babes? Do you fancy a brew?

Yes, please, Denise.

Dave, babes?

-Hm?

-Everyone fancies a brew.

All right, Jim? What are you doing in here?

-Haven't you bloody heard?

-No, what?

The Queen of bloody Sheba in there has only stolen the batteries out of my bloody remote control.

-What for?

-To fan her bloody self!

That's what for! So I had to sit for an hour and watch Location, Location, Lo-bloody-cation!

Why didn't you just turn it over at the telly?

Because that's what she wants! Me up and down like a blue arsed fly!

She's the puppet master! Pulling the strings up and down, up and down!

She's got Barbara wiping her arse and plucking her bloody chin every half an hour!

And everyone else has to empty her bag because she's too lazy to go for a bloody piss!

And do you know what the crafty old cow's done? The wicked old witch!

She's stolen the bloody batteries out of my bloody remote!

-<

-You know what?

Everything in this house bloody revolves around her now!

I've not noticed.

You've not noticed? Bloody hell, lad!

She's been lying flat on her back for the last six months

where we used to sit and have our tea! And you haven't noticed?

Bloody hell, Dave!

You go in there and you tell Barbara I will not step foot in that room

until I get my bloody batteries back in that!

-Barbara?

-Yes?

-Jim says he's not stepping foot in that room till he gets his batteries back.

See what I mean, Denise?

Well, you can tell him to get off his big fat arse and go and get batteries from the shop.

She said you can get off your big fat arse and go and get the batteries from the shop.

Well, you tell her if I have to do have to go to the shop

and buy batteries that have been stolen from my bloody remote, I won't be coming back!

-Barbara.

-Yeah?

Oh, hang on.

What did you say again, Jim?

If I have to go to the shop and buy the bloody batteries that have been

stolen out of my remote, I won't be coming back!

He says, if he has to go to the shop, he's never coming back!

Tell him if he thinks more of his remote control

than he does of his own family, he needn't bother coming back!

-She said...

-I know what she said! I'm not bloody deaf, Dave!

I heard it, I heard it, you bloody big streak of piss! Go on, piss off!

I think he's mad at ME now, Barbara.

Oh, ignore him, Dave.

Ignore him, babes.

'Our trip includes seven nights on the Ra cruise...'

Are you all right, Derek?

It's always a little bit awkward on a first date, isn't it?

Barbara. Hey, Barbara.

I'm awake, Barbara.

Are you, Mam?

Is he still in there?

Yeah.

I do hope it had nothing to do with me.

Course it hasn't, Mum.

Hiya, Nana. Are you awake?

Yeah. Hello, Denise.

DAVE: Hiya, Nana. Are you awake?

Yeah.

Hello, David.

Hiya, Nana. Are you awake?

Yeah. Hello, Cheryl.

Oh, Derek. You haven't met Nana yet, have you?

Do you want to go over and meet her?

You've only seen her asleep so far, haven't you?

- Go on, Derek, babes. - Go on, Derek.

-Go on.

-Great.

Oh, look, Derek's got a tail!

THEY LAUGH

Derek's got a tail on his first date.

Cheryl, take that tail off Derek.

Sorry, Derek, babes.

It's one of me extensions.

Hey, Derek.

Come and meet Nana. Come on.

All bow down for the Queen of Sheba.

Sit down. Do sit down.

Derek, this is Nana.

Nana, this is Derek.

Hello, Derek.

Hello, Nana.

Ooh, just a minute.

Ooh. You are lovely, Derek.

Derek, let me tell you.

Do you know what my favourite musical is?

-No.

-Well, it's Annie.

And, do you know, your hair's just reminded me of it.

# The sun will come out tomorrow

# Bet your bottom dollar That tomorrow

# There'll be sun

ALL: # Tomorrow, tomorrow

# I love you tomorrow

# You're only a day a way. #

-Come on Derek. Come on, love.

-# Tomorrow, tomorrow

# I love you tomorrow

# You're only a day a way... #

Come on!

Take me down the bloody shop!

Come on, lazy arse! Move your bloody self!

# We're only a day away. #

Oh, Mary.

-You know Elsie, my dead friend?

-Yes.

Well, her daughter Marion's,

-she's being laminated this weekend.

-What?

You know, carpets up, wood look-a-likey.

Oh, wood look-a-likey.

How lovely for her.

-Haven't Denise and David been laminated?

-Oh, yes.

They've been laminated throughout.

Oh, I'd love to be laminated throughout.

So would I.

I'd love my flat to be laminated throughout.

Laminate my arse!

Eh? What bloody use would that do?

You don't live there now, do you?

You live here, in my bloody house.

-And I don't want laminating throughout.

-Oh, hello, Jim.

Hello, Mother Theresa.

How's Joe today? Is he still decorating?

Yes, he's just painting the sides of the fish tank when I came out.

-What's he doing that for?

-Well, there was some left over.

It's Magnolia.

Oh, right. Has he still got that cotton bud lodged in his ear?

Well, yes, he has.

Mary, I haven't shown you my new tablets, have I?

-What are they?

-They're yellow.

Oh, yellow.

Joe got yellow ones for his swelling, when he got his Mickey stuck in his zip.

Doctor Mahmood gave them to me.

Doctor Mahmood's a Pakistani, you know.

-But he's very open about it.

-Oh.

"May cause drowsiness. If affected, do not operate machinery."

Doctor Mahmood thinks of everything.

-Oh, did I tell you about Bernard from the flats?

-No, what?

-He dropped dead in the middle of Matalan.

-Oh, dear.

Anyway, after he was dead, didn't he find himself cremated?

Poor Bernard.

They split his ashes Norma.

-They what?

-They split his ashes.

His sister, who's living here, took half.

And then his other sister, who lives in America, took the other half.

Now, he'd never been out of Manchester in his life.

And now half of him's in Salford and the other half of him's in San Francisco.

Which half?

There's no way of knowing.

Well, I hope it was his top half.

So do I.

-# I left my half in San Francisco. #

-NANA LAUGHS

# Six foot six he stood on the ground

# He weighed 235 pounds

# But I saw that giant of a man brought down to his knees by love

NANA CACKLES

# He was the kind of man that would gamble on luck

# Look you in the eye and never back up

# But I saw him cryin' like a little whipped pup because of love

# You can't see it with your eyes Hold it in your hand

# But like the wind that covers our land

# Strong enough to rule the heart of any man

# This thing called love

# It can lift you up Never let you down

# Take your world turn it all around

# Ever since time Nothing's ever been found

# That's stronger than love. #

RADIO ON

Don't do it so curly this time, Barbara.

Last time it was just like Jeremy Clarkson.

Ooh! Don't be so rough.

You're just like Sweeny Todd with that comb.

Barbara, Barbara.

Did I tell you that my dead friend Elsie's daughter

-Marion went out for a meal last Friday with her husband Lionel?

-No.

Well, she did. Marion went out for a meal last Friday with her husband, Lionel.

-Oh, did they?

-Hmm.

What did they have?

They both had a la carte.

Ooh. How lovely.

What is a la carte, Barbara?

I don't know.

I wouldn't mind trying a la carte one night, I'm sick of chops.

For a starter

Marion had soup of the day,

which was Friday.

And Lionel had smoked salmon, raw,

with cheese and chive sauce.

Before the main meal and after it they had

ice cream sorbet.

Oh, how lovely.

Then they both had a crepe.

Well, I'm not surprised after all they'd eaten.

-Eh, Mam.

-Mm?

Do you remember when you used to do my hair?

Yes, I do.

You always used to tie it up with a little red ribbon on the top.

Well, that's what my mam used to do to me.

Barbara, this nightie feels a bit mucky.

Right. Well, I'll throw it in with the next load.

You can give it me after this.

Can't you do a hand wash with it?

I don't fancy it being in with Jim's Y-fronts, they're so mucky.

-Barbara?

-Yes?

Do you think you can get on with my toe nails next?

Yeah.

Barbara.

Yes?

Barbara...

Barbara, thank you.

Thank you, Barbara.

-What for?

-Everything.

Do you remember last Christmas, when all this started?

-Yeah.

-Do you remember, I got the wish bone.

Do you want to know what I wished for?

No, don't tell me cos it won't come true.

But it has, Barbara. It has.

I wished,

I wished that I would never have to go into a home.

I'm not a burden to you, am I, Barbara?

You're never a burden, Mam.

I do love you, Barbara.

RADIO: "Que Sera Sera" by Doris Day

NANA HUMS ALONG

RADIO: # When I was just a little girl

# I asked my mother, what will I be?

NANA SINGS ALONG # Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?

# Here's what she said to me BARBARA SOBS QUIETLY

# Que sera, sera

# Whatever will be, will be

# The future's not ours to see

# Que sera, sera

# What will be, will be

# When I grew up and fell in love

BOTH SING ALONG # I asked my sweetheart "What lies ahead?

# "Will we have rainbows day after day?"

# Here's what my sweetheart said

# Que sera, sera

# Whatever will be, will be

# The future's not ours to see

# Que sera, sera

# What will be will be. #

Have you thought any more about having them hair extensions, Nana?

Yeah, I thought maybe for my birthday.

Oh, yeah.

It's something a bit different, isn't it?

Yeah. I think they'd look top, babes.

These look great, Denise.

They're great.

Do you ever think of doing this to your own nails?

Well, I've always got loads of things to do. And false nails, they just slow me down.

Get stuck in the remote control.

You're your father's daughter all right, aren't you?

Nana, don't say that!

We're nearly ready.

And we're really excited.

What's Little David hoping for?

A little brother or a little sister?

-He wants a brother.

-And what about Big David?

Well, he doesn't mind really.

As long as it's...

-His?

-Nana!

Well, whatever it is,

I'm going to hang on to meet it.

Ah, Nana.

Little David keeps getting his bit wrong.

Lewis thinks he's on the X Factor.

-Denise?

-Yeah?

-Denise, can I talk to you about when I go?

-Go where?

To heaven.

Nana, I don't wanna talk about that.

They won't let me talk about it and I want to.

OK, Nana.

Denise, how do you spell "funeral"?

-Funeral?

-Yes. Spell it, spell it.

F-U-N...

Stop, stop there. Because that's what I want my funeral to be.

I want my funeral to be fun.

Aw, Nana.

And Denise, can we have volly-vents?

Yeah! Yeah.

Nana, do you know what?

I'll make them myself!

From a packet, probably.

The way them two are carrying on, you'd think they were performing at Wembley Arena.

Anthony babes, who'd have thought it, eh?

-Me and you with such talented kids.

-Yeah, I know.

I don't say this to swank, but where do you think they get all that talent from?

-Me.

-Ready.

Right boys,

in you come.

OK, ladies and gentlemen.

Let's get ready to rumble!

He learnt his craft in Tokyo, Japan and Kevin's Karate class on Church Road.

It's Master David Lightning Pants Best!

Go on, Little David.

Oh, very good.

Let's get ready to rumble once more, ladies and gentlemen. It's time for a few impressions.

The master of mirth himself, the boy of a thousand voices, all of them quite similar.

In Nana's corner, it's Lewis Royle!

-Who are you going to do then?

-Who am I going to do?

Do Nana first.

HIGH VOICE: Jim! Jim! Jim!

Do Denise.

HIGH VOICE: How dare you, take it off you big clown!

Spot on!

Do miserable old Grandad for us.

Never mind bloody bacon!

Ooh, "Bacon, my arse!"

Do Peter Kay, do us Peter Kay.

Garlic bread? Garlic bread?

# Is this the way to Amarillo?

Every night I've been hugging my pillow

# Dreaming dreams of Amarillo... #

BACKGROUND MUSIC: # Que sera, sera

# Whatever will be, will be

# The future's not ours to see

# Que sera, sera. #

When I was young and looking for love, you just couldn't find a boyfriend in the paper then, Cheryl.

I think it's a good idea, because it means that when you go

on your first date at least you know you've got something in common.

What are your hobbies, Slash?

Biking and paint balling.

Do you know, Cheryl's father, Joe,

has just paint balled their entire stairs and landing in magnolia.

What do you think of that, Slash?

Here we come with the old champagne!

Hello, Cheryl!

Hey, someone help me to get this bloody cork out! Bend over, Norma.

It's Denise! It's Denise!

-DAVE:

-Here's my girls now.

There you go, Nana.

Oh...

Oh!

Oh...

I've been waiting to meet you, sweetheart.

She's beautiful. Beautiful, Denise.

What are you going to call her?

Well, myself and my partner and husband David...

decided that there was only one possible name we could choose, and it's a very special name...

We've called her Norma.

Oh, Nana...

She's beautiful.

Beautiful.

Denise...

Norma...Orchard...Tallulah...

Porsche...Best.

To baby Norma! Let's have a drink! Hooray!

THEY ALL LAUGH AND CHEER

-Push, will you!

-I AM pushing! All push together.

-Together.

-It's no good pushing, there's a bloody big gap there!

There's a gap in the expansion, you silly bugger!

MUSIC: "I Wanna Be Like You" from The Jungle Book

# I wanna walk like you Talk like you too-oo-oo

# I see it's true-oo-oo

# And ape like me

# Can learn to be Hu-hu-human too-oo-oo. #

NANA LAUGHS

# Ya-ba-da-ba-doo-doo

# Ya-ba-da-ba doo-doo-doo... #

THEY SKAT

Oh, Twiggy!

RECORD: 'Gee, Cousin Louis, you're doin' real good.

'Now, here's your part of the deal, cous...'

Come on, Nana! Get your dancing shoes on.

# Now don't try to kid me, mancub

# I made a deal with you

# What I desire is man's red fire

# To make my dream come true... #

TRUMPET PLAYS

Hi, everyone.

I'd like you to meet Solomon.

All right, there, Solomon?

Come on in, son.

Hiya, pal.

It's 12 o'clock, fellas! All down The Feathers.

Come on, Solomon!

Come on, pal, we get hammered.

Solomon, lad, let your hair down, down the Feathers.

You'll love it down there on a Saturday.

Beverley Macca wears her Wonderbra.

BALOO SKATS WITH KING LOUIS

Trust Jim to leave me half-laminated.

All I've ever dreamed of is being laminated throughout.

Ooh, poor Solomon.

Apparently he'd never even had one Snakebite, let alone ten.

Do you remember, Mam, you used to love a Snakebite? What is it again?

Is it half a cider and half a lager, or half a lager and half a ci...?

Mam?

Mam...?

Mam!

-BREAKING DOWN:

-Mam...

Mam!

Mam!

MAM!

Jim! JIM!

MUSIC: Scarlet Ribbons by Sinead O'Connor

# ..to say good night

# And I heard my child in prayer

# And for me some scarlet ribbons

# Scarlet ribbons for my hair

# I peeped in and on her pillow HEART MONITOR BEEPS

# On her pillow... #

-You all right?

-Nana?

-Nana?

-Mam?

You all right, Nana?

# All the stores were closed and shuttered

# All the streets were dark and bare

# In our town no scarlet ribbons

# Scarlet ribbons for her hair

# Through the night my heart was aching

# Just before the dawn was breaking... #

SHE SOBS

Night, Nana.

I love ya.

# ..on her pillow lying there... #

Bye, Nana.

# ..scarlet ribbons

# Scarlet ribbons for her hair

HE SOBS

# If I live to be a hundred... #

Look after her, God.

Please.

# I will never know from where

# Came those ribbons, scarlet ribbons

# Scarlet ribbons for her hair. #

PLAINTIVE IRISH PIPES PLAY

HUSHED VOICES

Hello, Father.

I'm sorry.

Come on, love.

Let's just get through today, hey?

That's what Norma would have wanted.

Yeah.

-Hey. A little miracle happened today, you know.

-What?

Our Denise got off her arse and made the buffet.

But don't spread it around, love, or no bugger'll eat it.

Except Cheryl.

I tell you what though, Barb,

I'd give all the bloody money in the world to have one more bloody row with her.

Oh, Jim.

# I stole the gold from your hair

# I put the silver threads there

# I don't know any way

# I could ever repay

# The pal of my cradle days. #

-THEY CLAP Well done.

-Nice one, Joe.

She was alive right up till the end, wasn't she, Barbara?

-Yeah.

-I don't know how she did it.

-No.

It doesn't seem real, Mary.

I can still see her warm, loving face...

with that white head of curls twinkling up at me...

..right there, where the sausage rolls are.

What were her last words, Barbara?

-Trevor McDonald.

-Oh, Barbara!

What a fitting tribute to the man.

Yeah.

Um...can I just say something?

Um...Well, before Nana died

she asked me promise her something.

And she asked me to promise her

that her funeral would be fun.

-Dad?

-Well, she's bloody right. We should be having a laugh here.

Norma would have loved to have bloody been here.

Let's have a toast. Raise your glass of Norma's favourite tipple,

which, to be honest, could have been anything from the bloody off licence. God bless her.

Norma Jean Speakman...

has finally taken her stairlift to heaven!

-To Norma!

-To Norma!

Just one other thing.

Father Kennedy has thoughtfully given us Norma's ashes to take away,

and they'll be cherished.

And that's why they're getting pride of place in the Royle family household.

Somewhere where we'll always be reminded of her.

ALL: Awww!

Dad! Oh!

EVERYONE CLAPS

To Norma! To Norma!

Oh, I think I'm drunk!

Hey, what the bloody hell is going on?!

Go on! Get out of here!

Go on, go on!

-Come on, everybody. Come on.

->

All right, love?

Hey, Cheryl, are you still going out with that bloke with the beard?

Solomon?

No.

I really liked him and...

..I was prepared to change religion and...

give up bacon for him,

but...

when it came to pork pies I couldn't make that commitment.

So...

I suppose the love wasn't strong enough.

No-one should want you to change.

I've always thought you were a little belter.

-Come on!

->

THEY SING "Is This The Way To Amarillo?"

I want everyone singing along! Ready?

Here we go.

ALL: # I want a girl just like the girl that married dear old Dad

# She was a pearl and the only girl that Daddy ever had

# A real old-fashioned girl with eyes so blue

# One who really loves no-one but you

# I want a girl just like the girl that married dear old Dad

# I want a girl just like the girl that married dear old Dad

# She was a pearl and the only girl that Daddy ever had

# A real old-fashioned girl with eyes of blue

# One who really loves no-one but you

# I want a girl just like the girl

# That mar-ried dear old Daa-aad! #

THEY CHEER

# So what do you say?

# You can't give me the dreams that are mine anyway

# Half the world away

# Half the world away

# Half the world away

# I been lost, I been found But I don't feel down

# No, I don't feel down

# No, I don't feel down... #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 2006

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