Christmas with the Royle Family The Royle Family

# I would like to leave this city

# This old town don't smell too pretty

# And I can feel the warning signs

# Runnin' around my mind

# So what do you say?

# You can't give me the dreams that are mine anyway

# Half the world away

# Half the world away

# Half the world away... #

TV: # ..The joy, the beauty The joy, the beauty

# Have a merry Christmas From me to you! #

APPLAUSE ON TV

NOEL: Merry Christmas...

And a very merry Christmas to you!

Yes, it's once again that time to celebrate the true spirit of Christmas.

We have the spirit of love as we create emotional family reunions in S Africa and Canada.

We have the spirit of peace. This is Sophia Clarke - she's written a poem for peace.

And it's touched the hearts of the Prime Minister and the US President.

We didn't half get through some tissues. ..Ted, you lost your voice because you talked so much...

SHE HUMS TO HERSELF

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Aw...! Hiya, love.

How are you feeling, Denise?

Aw...

-Ah...

-TV SHOW CONTINUES

Well, your nana's asleep, your dad's being miserable,

and Antony and Dave are watching Noel Edmonds.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh?

Are you feeling better, then?

Aw... Yeah.

Well, it could've just been a bit of indigestion, love.

Yeah...

Are you coming down, then?

Yeah... I think I will.

Hey, ain't it great Dave got me this mobile phone?

Yeah!

Aw...

Should I come up and get you?

No...

I'll be all right.

Bye.

PHONE BEEPS

TV SHOW IN BACKGROUND

Hey, Dave, it's great that mobile you bought for our Denise. It's dead handy.

-She's just phoned from upstairs.

-It's meant to be for emergencies -

when the baby's born.

Bloody hell! They're not cheap!

-How much are they, Dave?

-40 notes.

Bloody hell!

NOEL CONTINUES TALKING

-You all right?

-Yeah.

-Have a nice sleep?

-Yeah.

-Hey, Dave...

-Mmm?

-I really love that mobile that you got me.

-You're not meant to be using it from upstairs!

-I only rang me mam on it!

I bet you them calls are not cheap either!

Ooh, that advocaat!

Don't half make me sleepy, Barbara.

Does it?

Would you like another one(?)

Oh, here, Antony...

What time are you going to Emma's?

Well, her mum said 5.00 for 5.30,

-so I think that means about quarter past.

-Mmm...

Oh, ain't it funny you having to have two Christmas dinners?!

It's OK. They're all vegetarians, so we're having a nut roast.

The tight gits! All that money and they won't fork out for a bit of turkey!

NAN: I can't believe they're having their Christmas dinner at night.

-It'll lay heavy on them, won't it?

-Yeah.

-Will you be staying late, Antony?

-Yeah...

After they've had their dinner, they always play charades,

you know, and parlour games and that.

Parlour games!

Is their telly broke?

Parlour games, my arse!

I'll tell you what you'd be good at - hunt the giro!

LAUGHTER

Ooh, I think they're right.

We could do that - play some sort of a game.

Remember that Christmas we tried to play rummy and your nana had two kings in her handbag?

I didn't know they were there!

But they did come in handy for that royal flush!

And I won £13 off Jim that night!

Hey, Jim, wasn't that the Christmas you didn't sleep?

LAUGHTER

What do you want to go round there for for all that bloody shite when you could be here watching the box?

Parlour games, my arse! They want to get out a bit more, that lot!

NOEL: 'Welcome to Hastings Park, Vancouver...'

What time are we going to my mum and dad's, Denise?

Oh...

I don't really wanna go, Dave... Why don't you go on your own?

Me mam's doing a turkey buffet - there's only me and you going!

If we don't go, it'll only be my mum and dad - and my dad goes to bed early.

I don't really fancy it, Dave.

I feel a bit funny.

The one day of the year we all get together to watch bloody television and look at the shite they put on!

That's going for a burton!

MUSIC: "Walking In The Air" Oh, get off, Jim!

I liked him - Noel Crinkly Bottom.

You do whatever you like! You don't care about your family!

Oh, Crinkly Bottom, my arse!

Did you like that turkey, Jim?

It was a little bit dry, wasn't it?

Oh...?

-..Did you, Mam?

-I've never liked turkey, Barbara.

..Did you like it, Dave?

Mmm... I could take it or leave it, me, Barbara.

..Did you like it, Denise?

No, I didn't like it. There was no flavour.

-..How about you, Antony?

-Not bothered, really...

you know...

Oh...

Oh, I don't think I'll bother getting a turkey next Christmas.

-ALL: Oh?

-What's the matter?

-Barbara!

-Mam, you've got to have a turkey at Christmas!

Bloody hell, Barb, don't be such a killjoy!

Well, you all made me get a Christmas pudding, but none of you have had any!

Oh, I wonder how Cheryl's got on.

Mary's had to cook her a WeightWatchers Christmas dinner, you know, low-fat?

-Ah...has she?

-Yeah.

-Mary says Cheryl's met a lovely new friend at WeightWatchers.

-Has she?

-Yeah - a big fat girl from Hyde.

-Aw...

-I like the sound of that!

The big bride...from Hyde!

Oh, hey... Let's all have a snowball.

Don't snowballs make you feel Christmassy, eh?

Yeah...

Snowballs, my arse! It's a bloody swizz, this Christmas lark!

NAN: D-D-Denise...?

Denise, you know that book you bought for Cheryl - what's it about?

Oh, feng shui, Nana.

What's "feng dooey"?

When you move things around in your house to bring you happiness.

-Oh.

-I'd only have to move one thing in this house to make me happy.

TITTERING

Hey, Nana, do you know what Cheryl got me?

-What?

-A birthing tape.

What tape?

Well, she put all my favourite songs on one tape,

cos it said in the baby book it'll relax you for when you're birthing.

-Yeah?

-She's a right big girl is Cheryl, ain't she?

BARBARA HUMS A TUNE

Cheers, Mam.

Dave...

-Thanks, Barbara.

-Here you are, love.

-Ta.

Ta, Barb.

-Here, Mam.

-Ta, love.

This always reminds me of your dad, Barbara.

Here we go again!

He always used to make me a snowball.

I always miss him more at Christmas, you know...

I don't know why...

Oh, Mam...!

-..Anyway, happy Christmas, everybody!

-Happy Christmas!

Happy Christmas!

Bloody hell!

NAN LAUGHS

-Denise?

-Yeah?

-Have you decided what you're doing the for the Millennium yet?

-Well, we talked about if for ages, didn't we, Dave?

-Mmm.

-In the end, we decided we'd just come round here, really.

-Aw...

-Round here.

-Aw...

-You still doing a buffet?

-Yeah!

We've invited Mary and Joe and Cheryl.

I hope you haven't invited Cheryl's mate! There'll be no buffet left for us, the big, fat, lazy heifer!

Mary's really looking forward to it.

Joe's not really bothered.

-She said he can't get excited about the Millennium.

-That's a surprise(!) Millennium, my arse!

It's just another bloody swizz to rip me off!

I'll treat it like any other New Year's Eve. I'll get bladdered.

-I'm doing nothing else! He can take it or leave it.

-Who can, Dad?

Tony bloody Blair and his shower who organised it.

It's just a con to get more money out of me.

NAN: I am stopping over on "Minnellium" night, aren't I?

-Yeah.

-Cos I wouldn't want to miss it.

-Why? What was the last one like, Norma(?)

-# We're walking in the air... #

-Oooh!

It just kicked!

Do you want a little feel, Dave?

No, you're all right.

# ..The people down below are sleeping... #

-Oh, could anyone eat a sandwich?

-What's on it, Barbara?

Well, turkey!

No, thanks.

# ..I'm holding very tight

# I'm gliding in the midnight gloom... #

The stuffing was a recipe from This Morning, you know, Denise.

Oh...

Mind you, I hadn't got all the ingredients, so I just mixed it with a bit of Paxo.

Oh...

Ooh, you work so hard on that Christmas dinner!

You're planning it for weeks...

Before you know it, it's all been eaten.

What a waste!

-Yeah.

-Mmm...

-Have you finished the washing-up?

-No.

I thought if your nana's not going to be here tonight, I'd do it then.

-The kitchen's like Beirut, Denise.

-Is it?

-Yeah.

-Hey, Nana...

-Mmm?

What time have you to be at Elsie's?

Well, I don't want to be late.

Elsie goes to bed early, you know, with being housebound.

-It's the first time her daughter's ever left her at Christmas.

-Aw...!

-South Africa they're going to.

-Oh?

Cape Town.

She's practically had everything out of Marks & Spencers for outfits for Cape Town.

SHE BURPS

A lot of people are doing that now -

-going away for Christmas. I couldn't do it.

-I bloody could!

It's a bloody racket now, Christmas, a swizz, the bloody lot of it!

-Mam...?

-Mmm?

-What did you get for Elsie in the end?

-Oh, well...

-You know that blue cardigan of mine?

-Yeah.

I never liked it on me.

Well...that.

Oh...

..I bought her that!

Denise, it's bloody expensive to ring someone on one of them mobiles.

-Don't be expecting us to ring you on that!

-They're for emergencies.

-Emergencies only.

-I know, Dave!

Oh, God, you'd knock the good out of anything, you!

David, Denise, it's Christmas Day, we're having our snowballs!

-< You know Emma's mum and dad?

-Mmm...

-They've got a widescreen telly.

-Ooh!

-Have they, Lurch?

-Yeah...

And it's got, like, panoramic sound.

-It's top!

-Panoramic sound and they're playing stupid bloody parlour games!

He must have money to burn, him!

-Widescreen telly... Oh!

-Mmm...

-Denise, I'd love to watch your wedding video on a widescreen telly!

-Yeah!

Ooh...! >

Oh, I would, I really, really would.

Mmm... Oh, I'd love a widescreen telly!

It'd be absolutely brilliant!

You'd still see the same old shite on the bloody thing, but wider!

What's the point of one of them?

What time is Dibley on? I do like that big funny girl,

the one that dresses up as a vicar, you know?

-Yeah.

-Isn't Only Fools And Horses on, Barb? Where's the Radio Times?

Ooh, I must've left it up in the toilet when I was trying earlier!

I'd a Christmas log there earlier! You can't whack a Christmas log!

Dad! It's Christmas Day!

Christmas Day, my arse!

-What time's dinner tomorrow, Barbara?

-About 3.00, Mam.

I'll come at 12.00 - just to be on the safe side.

-I'm only going to be doing cold turkey and chips.

-Lovely!

No turkey for me, Barbara.

Ooh, I've got some sausage rolls there I could heat up! Now, does anyone fancy a sausage roll? ..Jim?

No...

Denise? David?

THEY GROAN

Antony, have another Celebration - it is Christmas Day!

No, you're all right. Cheers, Mam.

Ooh, Barbara, I'd love a date! Where are they, Barbara?

(I'm going barmy with her!)

"Eat Me Dates"!

How do they think them up?

< I think I best get off to Emma's.

Oh, Antony, have you got any presents to take round for them?

-No, I've gave Emma hers.

-Oh...

Should I wrap some Roses up for you in a little bag?

If I take the wrappings out of here...

you'd never know they'd been opened.

It's all right - I don't want to take them anything.

See you tomorrow, Nana. All right, love.

Cheers for that record token!

Hey, Antony, are you going to tell Emma tonight that you love her?

You DO love her! You do, you love her!

-He does!

-EVERYONE AGREES

Hey, Lurkio!

Film...

Book...

Stage play...

Four words...

First word...

Second word...

Third word...

And fourth word...

sounds like...

No?

Love On The D-hole!

NAN: Have a nice time, love.

See you later.

Happy Christmas!

See you, tubby!

-Jim!

-Well, I'm only giving him a bit of practice for after the nut roast!

-Hey, Barbara, you know that stuff that Antony bought me from Body Shop, don't you?

-Yeah.

Do you know what it said on it? "Not tested on animals".

-What do you think?

-Well, how do you mean?

Well, supposing some were to fall on a dog?

I didn't say anything to Antony.

-Wasn't his fault.

-No.

-No.

Hey, Mam, this is the first time our Antony's ever bought us presents.

Yeah! She's good for him, that Emma, ain't she?

-He got me the Delia Smith cookery book.

-Aw...

Bloody hell, you might be getting coriander on the old Dairylea soon!

-Oh, Jim...!

-I know! Bloody Christmas Day!

I love them gloves what Dad bought you, Mam.

Yeah... Well, he didn't actually buy them for me.

I bought them and I wrapped them,

-but he did write the tag.

-Aw!

Barbara, what can I do with this stone?

Here, Mam.

-Put it in one of these sweetie wrappers.

-Ta.

Don't put it back in there, Mam.

I can't stop thinking about poor old Elsie on her own all day.

Jim, you're right! I must go to her!

..Will you give me a lift, Dave?

Of course, I will, Nana, yeah.

You right now, then, Nana?

I'll take you now. All right.

I've got some nice cold turkey and stuffing for you to take to Elsie.

Can I keep this hat, Barbara?

I'd like to show it to Elsie. She'd like that, being housebound.

-Do you want to take her a hat, Mam?

-Oh, yes, please, love!

Do you want to take her a cracker?

No, I don't think she'd be up to pulling it.

She's very weak, you know.

I don't think she could stand the bang.

Mind you, I think she'd like one of them little toys.

She's been a bit egg-bound lately.

The bang might start the ball rolling.

You all right, Nana? Oh, ta, love.

Egg-bound? Housebound? Not much hope for poor bloody Elsie, is there?

Is that all right? Ta, love.

-Here you are, Mam.

-Thanks, love.

-All your presents are in there.

-Thanks.

Thanks for getting them all from Marks's. I can take them back at the sales and get twice as much.

-Bye, Nana.

-Bye-bye, love.

-Thanks for the Boots voucher.

-Oh, it was a pleasure, love.

-See you tomorrow.

-Can't wait(!) Season's greetings, Norma(!)

Jim, I marked off in the Radio Times what I want you to video for me.

Won't be long.

You be careful swerving round them corners with Nana on the back!

We don't want her falling off(!)

MOTORBIKE REVS UP

Ain't Christmas Day a long day?

Yeah.

-I know it's the same as any other day, but it does seem long.

-Yeah.

It does.

-Hey, Mam, can you imagine me nana and Elsie in their hats?

-Aw...!

They'll be asleep by 7.00.

Yeah!

It's lovely when you get to that age and all you have to think about is nodding off with somebody there.

Bugger off! She's gone round there to save her own gas bill!

-Guess what...

-What?

-I've got to go to the toilet.

-Oh...

Bloody hell! It's Vanessa!

Well, I'm as full as a bull's bum.

-Oh, Jim!

-I'll tell you what - don't bother with the sausage rolls. I'll have a couple of boiled eggs

after all that rich food.

Just do us a few soldiers...

And cut the crusts off, will you?

Right...

Oh, Jim...

-I've got all that horrible washing-up to do.

-Well, it won't do itself.

TV: Welcome Chris DeBurgh...

-# No business like show business... #

-Ask Denise to get the Radio Times.

Denise?

Mam, will you come up?

HE FARTS

Oh, Mam, a load of water's came out...!

I think me waters have broken...

-Oh!

-And Dave's not even here.

Oh, Denise...

Oh, my God, Denise! Oh, Denise!

Wait there! I'll go and ring Dave on the mobile!

-Yeah... I've got the mobile!

-Oh!

-Oh, God... I'll ring the hospital...

-Yeah...

-I'll tell your Dad...

-Yeah...

JIM!

Mam, don't leave me!

JIM!

Jim!

-Get upstairs! Denise's waters have broken.

-What's broken?

Her waters! Go and calm her down. She's upset cos Dave's not here.

Take her this birthing tape! Come on! NOW!

Bloody hell! What is it - the bloody Dam Busters?

And Dave would've been here, only for your bloody mother!

HE HUMS "The Dam Busters"

Denise, it's your dad, love.

Come in, Dad, come in.

It's not too messy, is it?

No, come in.

-HE KISSES HER

-You're all right.

What's the matter?

I don't know.

I can't even remember what I'm supposed to be doing off my baby book.

-I'm supposed to be doing my breathing, and I can't even remember how to breathe.

-Come on!

You'll be all right. Here...

-Let's play your tape, eh?

-MUSIC STARTS

# Pie Jesu

# Pie Jesu... #

-Denise...

-Yeah?

You definitely sure it wasn't just a great big piss, love?

No, I know it wasn't.

But I don't know what I'm gonna do.

And Dave's gonna miss it...

And he's supposed to be helping me with me breathing...

He's supposed to be counting them things, he was supposed to be...

them things what I'm having...

Dad, I'm so scared...!

I don't even think I want the baby any more.

And I don't think Dave wants it either.

He didn't even want to feel it kicking before.

And I bet you he'll leave it all to me.

And I don't even know anything about babies.

You'll be all right.

There's nothing to it.

What if the baby doesn't like me?

What if I don't like the baby?

Of course you'll like it - you'll love it.

I remember the first time your mum...

when your mum put...

you in my arms and I looked at you...

Oh, God, you were beautiful and I knew... I knew then...

I'd do anything for you, anything for you.

And our Antony.

# ..Agnus Dei... #

What if I'm not a good mum like me mam?

You'll be a wonderful mother!

# ..Agnus Dei... #

Dad...

If Dave doesn't come back, will you come with me to the hospital?

Of course I will!

I'll be right there...

outside...

but your mum'll be inside with you.

You promise you'll stay with me?

Of course I'll stay with you.

I'll always be there for you...

-Yeah...

-Always...

Hey, Denise...

..I'm gonna be a grandad!

NEW SONG STARTS ON TAPE

# She may be the face I can't forget

# The trace of pleasure or regret... #

I phoned the hospital. They told me to tell you to come in.

The taxi's on its way.

-Bloody hell, Barb! It's double fare Christmas Day!

-Oh, Jim!

-..Let's get you downstairs.

-Come on.

Let's go.

HE SWITCHES TAPE OFF

Let me go first, love.

Now don't slip on this carpet with those shoes on your little feet.

-Are you all right?

-Yeah.

-Are you hurting?

-Yeah.

It'll be over soon.

-Oh!

-Oh...

Sit down, love, sit down.

Breathe, Denise, breathe.

-Breathe...

-THEY ALL BREATHE

-Good girl!

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Oh, please let that be Dave!

..Oh, Dave!

What's going on?

It's all right. Her waters broke!

Trust you not to be here! You're a right useless lump of shite!

-I was taking your nana home.

-It's all right, Dave.

Oh, Denise... Denise!

-You might give birth on Christmas Day!

-Jesus!

CAR TOOTS ITS HORN

Jim, taxi!

-Hang on a minute, pal.

-I'll just put me shoes on!

I can't believe it, Dave!

It's not due for three weeks.

-I hope it's all right.

-Yeah.

I love you, Denise.

Dave, your helmet, you clown!

..Mam! We need to go now!

Dave, wait for me!

I'm switching these off.

-I'm not made of money!

-Jim, your daughter's in agony!

Here, love, get your shoes on.

-Ta. I'm all right.

-Are you all right?

-Yeah.

No, I can walk meself.

Tell the driver to follow that star!

CAR STARTS UP

# Have yourself a merry little Christmas

# Let your heart be light

# From now on, our troubles will be out of sight

# Have yourself a merry little Christmas

# Make the yuletide gay

# From now on, our troubles will be miles away

# And have yourself...

# A merry little Christmas Night. #

Subtitles by Martin Maguire BBC Scotland 1999