Episode 2 The Sarah Millican Slightly Longer Television Programme

CHEERING

Hello, and welcome to the Sarah Millican Television Programme.

CHEERING

You may be surprised to know

I've got really broad tastes when it comes to TV.

Sometimes I'll be watching telly with my boyfriend and I'll say,

"Do you fancy watching the adult channel?"

And his eyes light up and he says,

"Yes, I do!"

Then I put BBC Four on.

But the way we watch television, it's changing.

Don't you find every time you take something off series link,

it's like a tiny death?

I always say sorry when I delete something.

"I'm sorry - I have to let you go."

"I thought you were going to get better."

Because we all record things we think we SHOULD watch, don't we?

That BBC Four documentary on the history of the egg whisk.

Or Alan Yentob's Weasels.

But then Friends is on

and it's one you haven't seen...

..this week.

The Sky box is very much like the fridge, I think.

"I'll probably just have a bowl of rocket.

"Ooh! Custard doughnuts!"

Talking of technology, 3-D telly will never take off.

It's just showing off, isn't it?

It's a cock-waving thing.

Actually, it's really good for cock-waving.

You know, I love to travel to places I've never been before,

as long as it's via the Radio Times.

I love watching Sun, Sex And Suspicious Parents.

It's where a young lad or lass go on their first holiday with friends

and their parents secretly follow them with a camera crew.

It should be called Oh, Shit, Mam And Dad Are Over There.

People sometimes think it's called Sun, Sea And Suspicious Parents

rather than Sun, Sex And Suspicious Parents.

What, with the kids just on a lovely beach holiday?

And the parents watching, saying, "I don't understand it.

"He never swims like that at home."

Some of the parents are disappointed in their children's behaviour.

"That's terrible. I'm going to have to teach you how to do blow jobs."

If my mam and dad came on holiday to watch me,

the voiceover would say...

"She's finished one book and is choosing between two others.

"She's looked at the mini-bar, but it's Fruit & Nut,

"and she's never really liked Fruit & Nut.

"She's run downstairs for another toilet roll.

"She's sucking the chocolate off the Fruit & Nut.

"It's 4.30, so she's having a massive breakfast

"and is shoving pastries in her bag."

I went to Spain with my family when I was five,

and I was heavily into counting at the time.

I wandered around the topless beach,

came back and told my mam I'd counted 93 boobs.

And that's the story she always uses to tell any new boyfriend.

I went to Paris recently,

and me and my boyfriend decided to practise our French.

We both have French GCSEs, so we were pretty confident.

We went into a cafe.

Well, I say cafe, we went into McDonald's.

(FRENCH ACCENT) McDonald's.

And my fella placed the whole order in French. Wow.

Then it all went tits-up

when he left the counter and said, "Danke schon!"

I stay in hotels a lot when I'm on the road,

and I always get confused by the towel thing.

You know the towel thing?

There's always a sign that says, "Help us protect the environment."

I always just think, "Do I have to?"

I was just going to have a nap and then watch Pointless.

Do you want me to sort out your recycling?

I will, cos I can, but I still don't really know where to put the cat shit.

I just put it in with the meat, cos that's what it smells like.

But the sign says, "If the towel is in the bath, change it.

"If it's on the rail, use it again.

"If it's on the floor, I'm a man."

And if it's wrapped around your body, keep your mouth shut.

I don't like being disturbed in hotels,

so I always put my Do Not Disturb sign up,

but sometimes there isn't one,

so I make one.

It's roughly torn from a sheet of my notepad

and I write on it, "Do not disturb."

Then I draw some skulls and knives and a severed head.

Always works.

They must walk past and think, "Clearly, she's already disturbed."

I was watching the travel channel the other day.

I saw a programme called Extreme Water Parks,

and I thought, "Surely ALL water parks are extreme?"

Otherwise, it's just a canal.

Or a bath.

My friend is terrified of flying,

so drinks a lot of red wine and takes Valium before the flight.

To calm her down, I said,

"You're more likely to be killed on the drive to the airport

"than on the plane itself."

Then I thought, "Well, yes, that's true,

"because she's full of red wine and Valium.

"And she's driving."

I think people who are scared of flying must be at their best if the shit does hit the fan.

They'd quite happily die being right, wouldn't they?

The plane is plummeting, everyone's screaming,

and they're going, "Thank you!"

I tell you what the best travel shows on television are -

anything by Michael Palin.

Did you see his latest one?

Michael Palin's Brazilian. I think that's what it's called.

He's done so many travel programmes

that now at Heathrow Airport, there are three queues -

EU, non-EU

and Michael Palin.

Michael Palin must be sick of travelling now, mustn't he?

Do you think his next series, he'll just say,

"I've got me sandwiches. I'm just going to stay on the coach"?

Do you know what, maybe I'll just ask him myself

because he's here. Please welcome actor, writer, comedian,

TV presenter and national treasure, Michael Palin.

CHEERING

Hello. Hello.

Now, you've been to... You've been round the world. You've been to Brazil, like we talked about.

You've been to the North and South Pole, the Himalayas...

What's the biggest Toblerone you've ever had?

Have you had one of the huge Toblerones?

No, I haven't had one of the very big ones. Really? No.

You should treat yourself.

How big do they get?

About that.

I mean...so I've heard.

Yeah. Is that when it's fully...?

That's the...?

You mean when it's not on the slack?

An aroused Toblerone. That's an awful thought!

Pretty awesome thought.

Now, you're one of the world's most intrepid travellers.

What I would like to ask you most

is... I know it's going to be rude.

You don't know that.

Is it true you can't go to the toilet on a train when it's in the station?

Well, you can,

but it just lies there on Platform 3 for a while.

It's not very nice for the people about to get on the train.

I'm not bothered.

How would they know it was me?

It's not like anybody's on the platform, going, "Eugh!"

Or maybe they are. I don't know. You're a celebrity now.

They probably... No, I won't get into this.

I'm not at that level, where somebody would put one of mine on eBay, though.

I think they'd do that with one of yours. Oh, gosh.

That's why somebody's in your dressing room right now, probably.

Awful. Now, you're constantly travelling, going round the world.

Does your wife just want to get you out of the house, do you think?

I've got a feeling, yes, that's true. She's always suggesting places.

"Have you been to Papua New Guinea, dear?"

Do you think she's just got a big list that she's just ticking off?

"14,000 miles away, that will give me a few days off."

Do you think travelling men make better lovers

because they're good at finding stuff?

Finding what?

Oh, really?

Finding their way around?

Poor Mrs Palin!

Probably.

Probably. You'd have to ask her.

Oh, no, don't, actually!

Now, I'm asking a lot of questions here, aren't I?

Did you expect the Spanish Inquisition?

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!

Now, when I go away I take... If I go away for a decent length of time,

like a month or something,

then I'll take my slippers and my favourite mug.

Have you got any creature comforts that you like to take away with you?

Um...not really.

I mean...toilet rolls,

because places I go to, you need them.

And would that be like a multipack, or...?

No, the best thing is a flat pack. You know? You can't...

Have you got to just sit for hours before you go,

just tearing it all off?

"Pass us that other roll!"

So that's your luxury, toilet roll. Well, luxury and necessity.

I don't have a luxury, really, no. Just, it's...

You treat yourself with some bog roll.

A spare pair of underpants, love! Spare pair of underpants.

Always have a spare pair. You never know when you'll get taken short.

Hold on, is that in addition to a pair a day,

or do you just go away with one pair?

Like, a pair on and a pair in your bag,

because then you can rub them through, can't you?

I've seen it in streams and that.

That's the ideal. That's the ideal. The ideal!

If you can get your bag down to about that size, that's the best way.

My handbag is bigger than that.

But I need everything in it. Shut up!

How did you get into presenting travel programmes?

Did you just get sick of forcing the neighbours to look at your photographs and think,

"I'm just going to have to make this into a telly programme"?

No, I was hanging around, doing...

I'd done A Fish Called Wanda,

and there were really no other films around, and Python had ended up,

and the BBC came to me, this guy sort of rang me up

and said, "We've got a project for you that only you can do.

"It's basically going around the world in 80 days. You'd be Phileas Fogg.

"You have a camera following you all the way around

"and you have got that absolute combination of physical prowess,

"mental agility, wit, humour, you know, physical presence.

"You're just the man for the job."

And I'm susceptible to a bit of flattery, so I said, "OK, you're on."

And it was only halfway around the world

when the director got a bit pissed in a bar in Madras, I think it was,

I realised I was the fifth person they'd asked to do it.

So much for my natural stardom, but there we are.

You've been almost everywhere around the world.

Can you show me on this globe

where you've had the shits?

Well, you can see, because it's not been cleaned off...

And you thought that was the Sahara Desert!

Another thing about train toilets...

Well, he's been everywhere.

How do you get the doors to lock properly?

You know the toilets, where they just, the door... "Vvvvv..."

Oh, those, yes. And then it opens

and there's a little woman, old lady having a wee.

Yes! She can't reach the button.

She can't get up cos she's having a wee.

Have you ever been stuck in a toilet like that?

I have been stuck in one of those.

It's a terrible, it's a panic, absolute total panic sensation,

especially with the old lady there as well.

You've just got to go out and get help.

You've travelled the world, north to south, east to west.

Have you ever been to South Shields, where I'm from?

I haven't been to South Shields, no. SHE GASPS

But you know Eric Idle was born there? Does he have a plaque there

along with yours, that says...? Along with mine!

I've drawn on a wall, but I don't think that's the same thing.

The council has to draw on it for you, put your name on it.

He must have a plaque, mustn't he? "Sarah Millican leant on this wall."

That's what they ought to put. Well, that would just be a dent.

You wouldn't need a plaque for that.

What would I go and see in South Shields?

What would be the three most important... Three?

You want three things?

What I'd like to know is, have you ever sat on the baggage carousel and just gone all the way round?

Yeah, actually...

It's always tempting.

Actually, I have. No! Yeah.

On A Fish Called Wanda.

There's a bit where I'm on the... Playing Ken...

and I'm making a getaway and I get onto the baggage carousel at Heathrow.

And it goes along, and then I go down a chute...

I don't know quite why, but I did it.

You're generally known - and I think you've proved it tonight -

as a very nice man, aren't you?

You are!

Well, I am. Have you ever been...

a dick?

I heard a story about a journalist. Is this true?

About your house. Is that true?

Oh, well, yeah,

that's often quoted as a time I lost my temper.

I wouldn't say I was a dick. I lost my temper.

Well, maybe I'll be the judge.

Oh, it was about...

early 1980s. Two guys came round to interview me

about my film The Missionary, or something like that.

And...I don't know, they were just very

sort of...

..poncy, pretentious clever dicks, really.

And I walked out of the interview.

But it was my own house, unfortunately.

This was the problem.

I left them in the room and I was going downstairs.

"Oh, actually, hang on. I've done that the wrong way round."

So I went out - bang! - slammed the door and went out into the street.

They were in there...

with my wife!

And finally, are you still a lumberjack, and are you OK?

Yeah!

I cut down trees. I eat my lunch.

I go to the lavatory.

Am Mittwoch gehe ich shopping, kau Kekse zum kaffee.

That's the German version of the Lumberjack Song. Wow!

# Bin ein Holzfaller, fuhl mich stark

# Schlaf des Nachts und hack am Tag. #

And that's still in there, after all those years?

That's one of the stupid things. We did a Python show in Germany.

They took most of our sketches and said, "You have to speak German."

So the only German I know is Python sketches.

So you know, it's great, actually.

I went on a skiing holiday once with some Germans

and we were sort of going up in one of these long train lifts.

It took a long time, and they said,

"You English people, why you never, you never speak German.

"We Germans all speak English, you never speak German.

"Do you know German?" I said, "Well, a little bit." Oh, no!

"What you know?" I said, "Ich bin ein Holzfaller.

"Fuhl mich stark. Ich schlaf des Nachts und hack am Tag.

"Ich falle Baume, ess mein Brot.

"Ich gehe auf das WC. Am Mittwoch gehe ich shopping,

"kau Kekse zum kaffee. Bin ein Holzfaller."

That shut them up.

You have been such a wonderful guest. Thank you very much.

Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Palin.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

He is the nicest man in Britain. I think it's true.

I grew up watching television and apparently, children still do.

And lucky for them, there's a lot of children's television out there.

It was nice to see all our favourite faces of kids' TV

making a comeback this year in that programme. What's it called?

The news.

My friend bought me one of the Bagpuss mice when I got divorced.

"We will fix it, we will mend it!"

Apparently, Relate don't accept "fix it with glue"

as a valid counselling method.

Bagpuss these days is something you usually see on Embarrassing Bodies.

I miss kids' TV.

Danger Mouse was known as DM, wasn't he?

Kids these days wonder why there's a direct message mouse.

I had a look at the listings to see what kids are watching these days.

There's Grandpa In Your Pocket.

I know they shrink as they get older,

but that's ridiculous.

In The Night Garden is a bit iffy, isn't it?

Here are some of the episode titles.

Ninky Nonk Wants A Kiss.

My Ninky Nonk always wants a kiss.

Everybody All Aboard The Ninky Nonk.

All aboard?! At least form a queue!

Iggle Piggle's Mucky Patch.

Washing The Haahoos.

Where Is The Pinky Ponk Going?

It's always good to wash the Haahoo before the Ninky Nonk gets kissed.

Especially if everyone is all aboard it.

And you don't know where the Pinky Ponk is going.

How are kids supposed to follow that?

That's like Game Of Thrones for toddlers.

I could be a Blue Peter presenter,

if they want an old one to stay in the studio

to look after all the pets while they're out bungee-jumping.

Someone has to stay in for the delivery of the sticky-backed plastic.

Keep checking the tortoises aren't dead.

I once made a swing for my doll off Blue Peter.

And it was so shit and stressful

that my mam and dad took me out and bought me one.

So the next week, I made a dog.

What I'd like to do now is find out more about the world of children's television

and who better to tell me about it than the 33rd presenter of Blue Peter?

She's the sort of girl who picked me last for netball.

Please welcome Helen Skelton!

CHEERING

Thank you so much for joining us by Skype

from a Blue Peter assignment in Exeter.

I'd like to say I'm in a glamorous location,

but I'm in a hotel we've blagged our way into

so that I can talk to you.

My life is a series of Premier Inns.

Oh, bless you!

Now, how many times a day do you get asked for a Blue Peter badge?

About 50.

Can I have a Blue Peter badge?

Depends. If you make that swing for your doll again, we'll assess it.

Do you have to take the Blue Peter animals home?

The dog's mine.

Oh, is it? Yeah, the dog

that's on the show at the minute, Barney the dog,

he's my dog, so he comes home with me.

I like that you called him Barney the dog.

Is that his surname?

I call him that because the other presenter's called Barney as well.

Oh, of course!

But you would think you wouldn't get a person and a dog mixed up very often.

"Oh, have you done a shit on the floor again, Barney?!"

"Which one do you mean?"

Do you ever wish you could go to Tenerife for the Blue Peter summer expedition?

You could learn about sunburn, hair of the dog and holiday thrush.

Funnily enough, I'm doing a show for BBC One called Holiday Hit Squad, so...

Fingers crossed for that thrush, love!

Now, you've done a lot of work with the Guides, haven't you?

Yes. I was in the Brownies for a week.

The only bit I liked was the tuck shop at the end.

But at least I got my diabetes badge, which is good.

Did they give you any badges when you worked with the Guides?

Um...no, because, do you know what,

I have worked with the Guides since I joined Blue Peter

and I do their concert, which is brilliant,

but when I was actually a Guide, I got thrown out,

because we were playing hide and seek one week

and my hiding place was so good,

they had to get the police out to look for me.

LAUGHTER

I took it a bit too seriously.

I don't think they should have thrown you out of the Guides.

They should have made you Brown Owl.

I hid in a skip, and apparently that's not a safe place to hide,

but they didn't find me!

Now, you travelled 2,000 miles down the Amazon River

for Sport Relief.

I heard you were kayaking it.

I was!

I'd have been nervous too - don't feel bad.

I'm going to do my own Amazon challenge.

I'm going to try and get them to deliver in time for Christmas.

Now, what do you turn down, if this is the sort of thing you say yes to?

I hate singing and dancing.

I'm terrible at singing and dancing.

The trouble with Blue Peter is

they make you do the things you don't like doing.

So you've kind of got to pretend you're really into it.

I stupidly said that I'm scared of rats,

so they buried me in a coffin of rats at work.

Oh, my God!

I was freaking out - it was awful!

So did nobody tip you off? Because now you've tipped me off,

I'd probably say, "Oh, I hate being sat in a trifle."

Now, you're quite small, aren't you? How tall are you?

Five-three.

You're quite small. Are you over-compensating, do you think?

I think it's a fine line between brave and stupid with me.

If I'm honest, when I said, "Let's go to the Amazon,"

my boss said, "Do a bit of it." I went, "Let's do it all!"

Then I had to go and look at the map.

I didn't realise how big it was. It goes across the whole continent!

Now, when asked what challenge you'd like to do next,

you said you'd like to do Iron Man.

Now, hands off, love, because I've bagsied Robert Downey Jr for myself.

You did a Royal Marine endurance course, didn't you?

That's why I'm in Exeter now.

How many Royal Marines did you endure?

I'm the only girl on the whole site.

You're going to be knackered.

Thank you for being such a great guest.

If you weren't so nice, I'd bloody hate you. Ladies and gentlemen, Helen Skelton!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Another thing I love on telly are antiques shows.

I'm very into antiques.

I've got biscuits in my house that are up to three hours old.

Well, two hours.

I was out for a while and it's a big packet.

Flog It! is where people find stuff in their home

to sell for as much as possible.

Much the same as heroin addicts.

Bargain Hunt used to be presented by David Dickinson.

I don't know what age he is.

Bronze, I think.

I don't understand the Antiques Roadshow.

If I wanted to watch greedy people in a queue,

I'd just stay in Greggs.

Going on the Antiques Roadshow is a bit like going to an STD clinic, isn't it?

They ask you, "Where did you pick this up?"

"How long have you had it?"

"Do you mind if I look at the bottom?"

I like it when the punters bring something in and say,

"We've had this in a box for 120 years

"and we can't work out what it does."

It's a tortoise.

Antiques Roadshow must be like sticker collecting for the Queen.

She must sit in front of it, going, "Got. Got. Need. Got.

"Swapsies."

At my old place, I had a root around in the loft

and found loads of staff. I sold the lot,

but the people in the flat upstairs were livid.

Do you think in years to come, someone will bring on a Rampant Rabbit?

"Yes, it's been in the family."

"I think it was me grandma's."

"Yes, we still use it. Just on special occasions."

I'm not sure you can trust what the experts are saying.

If they say, "It must have great sentimental value,"

it's worth nothing.

If they say, "You'd never want to sell it, would you?"

it's worth nothing.

But when they say,

"It's priceless to you,"

it's worth nothing.

Here are some things I'd like them to say on the Antiques Roadshow.

"We found this in the attic. We don't know what it is."

"It's your boiler. Put it back."

"Sorry this isn't worth anything. Do you have anything else that's been in your family for generations?"

"Eczema."

"Today I brought along something that's been on the shelf for 30 years."

"It's me Auntie Kathleen."

"Today I brought along something that's been in the closet for 30 years."

"It's me Auntie Kathleen."

She's still got the original box.

I want to find out more about antiques,

so I thought I should speak to one of the best in the business.

Please welcome the host of BBC1's Bargain Hunt.

It's Tim Wonnacott.

CHEERING

Hello! Hello!

Now, Bargain Hunt is on its 32nd series.

Yes. I will make this year my 1,000th edition of Bargain Hunt.

Wow! And are the early ones quite valuable now? Yeah!

Only if they're mint and boxed.

Let's have a little look at you in action.

What do you think about this little treasure?

Little is the word, isn't it?

It's a kind of little novelty, is this thing.

I love it because the silver

has been embossed with this diagonal raised stripe,

which means it's easy to grip,

and of course it does beg the question...

what exactly is this brush used for?

My best guess is

that it's a muff brush.

Every well-dressed woman at the end of the 19th century

would have had a muff to keep her hands warm in during winter,

and she'd have used a muff brush

to give her little muff a little dusting over.

You're SO good at keeping a straight face.

You must have known the dual meaning of the word.

Oh, yes. Yes.

Now, you're in quite good condition, aren't you?

I beg your pardon?

You're in quite good condition,

and I think if we cleaned you up a bit and scraped you down,

then you would be quite collectable.

Well, there's a degree of restoration that could be done, that's true.

Oh, really?! Yes.

I like that!

Do you still have your original drawers?

They're all impeccably lined, I can promise you.

He's good! Isn't he good?

How often do you polish your tallboy?

Did you say, "How often do I polish my toe ball?"

Tallboy.

My tallboy?!

Yes. Sorry, is it an accent thing?

Should I do it in you?

POSH ACCENT: How often do you polish your tallboy?

Is that better? That's better, isn't it?

I thought you might have said, "How often does one polish one's tallboy?"

AUDIENCE: Oooh!

It's like a posh off!

I can't win. I can't win. Not often.

I have a large, but beautifully proportioned, chest.

Would you like to appraise it?

That's my usual chat-up line.

Yes.

Appraisal is everything, isn't it?

It's a question of colour, form...

Colour? It's sort of purpley, mottley blue.

Sometimes bit of blue come in.

Does this depend on the temperature, or what? Pretty much.

It does change with the temperature. Does it? Yes.

If they're warm, if IT's warm...

LAUGHTER

SARAH GIGGLES

What would you recommend I start collecting as, like, a future antique?

Is there something you can recommend?

Cos I've got a signed George Forman grill.

I'm just saying, I'm not bragging, I'm just saying.

Have you ever used it?

Erm, have I ever used it?!

Yes!

OK, well that's a shame, really.

Oh, really? Hmm.

It needs to be clean, untouched and in a box.

Probably, yes.

OK. What I really want to know is, are Happy Meal toys actually worth anything?

Or is that just rubbish,

like the thing with the Beanie Babies?

Happy Male toys?

Happy Meal, not Happy Male.

What's a Happy Meal toy?

I know what a happy male is.

I have to say I'm not a Happy Meal toy expert valuer.

I'd have to go to a person who knew more about it.

Some large person.

Understood! Probably.

What's your house like? I imagine it's like me on Boxing Day -

just full of crap you can't shift.

Um, I regard it as a lot of treasures, actually.

But, yeah, I'm afraid it's a fair old crush. Really?

Mm-hm. Thank you so much, Tim.

You've been really great.

But I couldn't let you go

without asking you to give me a valuation on a few bits of mine. Is that all right?

You've brought your bits with you? I've brought me bits with us. Do you mind?

This is an invitation I can't refuse.

Ladies and gentlemen - Tim Wonnacott.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Beep-beep! Beep-beep!

Excuse me! Thank you.

Thank you.

Thanks for doing this, Tim. I'm not an expert like you,

but I think I have got a good eye. You don't mind this, do you? No.

It's meat and drink.

Let's start with this one.

To be honest, this has been hanging on my downstairs loo wall.

What do you think?

Well...

I like the way his nipples follow you around the room.

I don't fancy it's going to be a huge seller, frankly.

Really? No. What's next?

OK. Harsh.

Um...

I've got some furniture.

Scandinavian in origin, I think.

Now, these Danish designs are very, very popular.

OK. Well, it's still in the original box, as you can see.

It's never been assembled. Mint condition.

What do you think?

I don't think it's quite my cup of tea, thanks very much.

OK. Thank you.

Well, I've still got a few bits.

Get your swag bag. Get me bag out.

I've got a dead parrot here.

It's a Norwegian Blue.

Lovely plumage.

Excuse me!

Oi!

Now what?!

I've got... This is Cliff Richard's Wired For Sound.

It's a classic from 1981.

It's my favourite record of all time.

Cliff!

Yes.

And that would be just priceless for you, wouldn't it?

I have got one more thing.

Uh-oh.

Um...

This is MY muff brush.

I can do a little demonstration,

because you were a bit puzzled before.

Like a downward motion...

But all the way out, to get all the mats out.

Like that.

What do you think?

Your muff brush

is a good deal bigger than mine.

Do you think it might be worth something?

It is now!

Just hold it by the handle, cos it's still a bit...

Yes, exactly.

Thank you very much for coming on the show.

Ladies and gentlemen, Tim Wonnacott.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I was not expecting that!

That's it for tonight.

Unfortunately, we didn't have time to talk about

the Antiques Road Trip.

Or as it's also known, the Rolling Stones on tour.

The Muppets - felt animals.

Oh, no, not animals as well!

And Undiscovered Mummies.

Or as it's more commonly known, Jeremy Kyle. Good night.

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