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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING | 0:00:17 | 0:00:20 | |
Hello and welcome to The Sarah Millican Television Programme! | 0:00:36 | 0:00:39 | |
CHEERING | 0:00:39 | 0:00:41 | |
Now, I'm sure everyone watching this show has a TV licence | 0:00:44 | 0:00:48 | |
because you can go to prison if you haven't got one. | 0:00:48 | 0:00:50 | |
That would be a really rubbish conversation. | 0:00:50 | 0:00:53 | |
"What are you in for?" "Murder. What about you?" | 0:00:53 | 0:00:56 | |
"Six episodes of EastEnders. | 0:00:56 | 0:00:59 | |
"Although that was murder." | 0:00:59 | 0:01:01 | |
I think you should be able to get points on your TV licence. | 0:01:02 | 0:01:06 | |
Got up early to watch Jeremy Kyle? Three points. | 0:01:06 | 0:01:10 | |
Accidentally deleted that episode of Bake Off where Paul Hollywood says, | 0:01:10 | 0:01:14 | |
"Caress the dough with your fingers like a lover"? | 0:01:14 | 0:01:17 | |
Six points! | 0:01:17 | 0:01:19 | |
Top Gear on Series Link? | 0:01:19 | 0:01:21 | |
Lifetime ban. | 0:01:21 | 0:01:22 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:01:23 | 0:01:26 | |
American shows are all the rage on our telly at the moment, aren't they? | 0:01:31 | 0:01:35 | |
Mad Men is a very successful series, | 0:01:35 | 0:01:37 | |
but weird to watch with an older generation. | 0:01:37 | 0:01:40 | |
Cos I get the impression we're taking different things from it. | 0:01:40 | 0:01:43 | |
I'm thinking, "Isn't it terrible the way they treated women back then?" | 0:01:43 | 0:01:46 | |
While me Uncle Terry's thinking, | 0:01:46 | 0:01:48 | |
"Ah, those were the days!" | 0:01:48 | 0:01:50 | |
24 had the time on the screen. | 0:01:53 | 0:01:55 | |
The only other place you get that over here is on breakfast telly. | 0:01:55 | 0:02:00 | |
I'd love to see Jack Bauer throwing to the weather! | 0:02:00 | 0:02:02 | |
We've all learned how to speak American from television, haven't we? | 0:02:05 | 0:02:08 | |
Some of the words are quite confusing, though. | 0:02:08 | 0:02:11 | |
For example, you might not know that the word "scrumping", | 0:02:11 | 0:02:14 | |
which to us means stealing apples, | 0:02:14 | 0:02:15 | |
in America, it means dry humping. | 0:02:15 | 0:02:18 | |
Imagine getting those two mixed up! | 0:02:22 | 0:02:25 | |
And ending up with loads of apples! | 0:02:26 | 0:02:28 | |
Here are some other ones that I've learned. | 0:02:32 | 0:02:34 | |
They say sidewalk, | 0:02:34 | 0:02:36 | |
we say crab. | 0:02:36 | 0:02:38 | |
You might not know all of these. | 0:02:42 | 0:02:45 | |
They say eggplant, | 0:02:45 | 0:02:46 | |
we say chicken. | 0:02:46 | 0:02:48 | |
They say ice box, | 0:02:54 | 0:02:55 | |
we say guest bedroom. | 0:02:55 | 0:02:57 | |
They say gas, | 0:03:08 | 0:03:10 | |
we say, "Sorry about that." | 0:03:10 | 0:03:12 | |
They say, "Have a nice day." | 0:03:15 | 0:03:17 | |
We say, "What are you looking at?" | 0:03:17 | 0:03:19 | |
They say lady bug, | 0:03:22 | 0:03:24 | |
we say chlamydia. | 0:03:24 | 0:03:26 | |
One of my favourite American shows is Friends. | 0:03:37 | 0:03:40 | |
I've seen the cast more than my actual friends. | 0:03:40 | 0:03:44 | |
It's still a really funny show but they couldn't make it now. | 0:03:45 | 0:03:47 | |
It'd just be six people sitting in a coffee shop, | 0:03:47 | 0:03:50 | |
looking at their phones. | 0:03:50 | 0:03:51 | |
And I've changed since it started on telly. | 0:03:54 | 0:03:57 | |
Now I look at Monica in her fat suit and think, | 0:03:57 | 0:03:59 | |
"She looks all right." | 0:03:59 | 0:04:00 | |
Here are some episodes they never made. | 0:04:03 | 0:04:05 | |
The One Where Joey's Knob Falls Off. | 0:04:05 | 0:04:08 | |
The One Where Phoebe Stands Alongside Her Twin. | 0:04:11 | 0:04:14 | |
And The One Where Gunther Is Arrested For Wanking In The Coffee. | 0:04:17 | 0:04:20 | |
Of course, one of the best shows to come out of America is Homeland. | 0:04:26 | 0:04:30 | |
Essentially, it's a woman trying to work out if a bloke is lying to her. | 0:04:30 | 0:04:34 | |
I'll save you the trouble, love. | 0:04:34 | 0:04:36 | |
Probably. | 0:04:36 | 0:04:37 | |
Damien Lewis plays a character who was kept as a hostage in the desert, | 0:04:39 | 0:04:42 | |
locked up inside for eight years. | 0:04:42 | 0:04:45 | |
Well, inside is the best place for him. | 0:04:45 | 0:04:47 | |
It's hot out there and he's awfully ginger! | 0:04:47 | 0:04:49 | |
Carrie must catch Brody, even though she shagged him. | 0:04:52 | 0:04:56 | |
If Damian Lewis had sex with me, | 0:04:56 | 0:04:58 | |
I'd be chasing him for an hour every Sunday, too! | 0:04:58 | 0:05:02 | |
To give him another thank-you card. | 0:05:02 | 0:05:04 | |
I think the British version of Homeland would be very different, | 0:05:07 | 0:05:10 | |
cos our Government's so unpopular. | 0:05:10 | 0:05:13 | |
They'd say, "We've only got five minutes to save the Prime Minister. | 0:05:13 | 0:05:16 | |
"I'll write a letter to the army to get help." | 0:05:16 | 0:05:19 | |
They're always talking about moles as well, aren't they? | 0:05:22 | 0:05:25 | |
When did moles get this reputation? | 0:05:25 | 0:05:27 | |
How effective can a spy be if it's blind? | 0:05:27 | 0:05:31 | |
Personally, I've never trusted stoats. | 0:05:33 | 0:05:35 | |
There's a lot of obsession with wires, as well. | 0:05:38 | 0:05:41 | |
I'm always wired. Well, underwired. | 0:05:41 | 0:05:44 | |
I'd like to see that show! | 0:05:44 | 0:05:46 | |
The Underwire. "It's a war. | 0:05:46 | 0:05:49 | |
"A war between discomfort and tits on your knees." | 0:05:49 | 0:05:53 | |
I've decided my mission is to find out everything about the show, | 0:06:04 | 0:06:08 | |
so here to face my interrogation | 0:06:08 | 0:06:10 | |
is Homeland's Director of CIA counter-terrorism, David Harewood. | 0:06:10 | 0:06:14 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:06:14 | 0:06:17 | |
Hello! | 0:06:22 | 0:06:24 | |
Now, you're a very successful stage and screen actor. | 0:06:24 | 0:06:29 | |
So I've got one main question for you. Go on. | 0:06:29 | 0:06:32 | |
Why don't you do more shows with your top off? | 0:06:34 | 0:06:37 | |
Mainly because nobody asks me! | 0:06:43 | 0:06:45 | |
Oh? I would... AUDIENCE: Oh? | 0:06:45 | 0:06:47 | |
There's easily women in the audience going, "Ask him! Bloody ask him!" | 0:06:47 | 0:06:51 | |
No. Maybe later. | 0:06:52 | 0:06:55 | |
Your character is under permanent threat of attack. Mm. | 0:06:55 | 0:06:59 | |
What's it like living in Streatham? | 0:06:59 | 0:07:02 | |
You know, I love it, because it's so unpretentious. | 0:07:04 | 0:07:07 | |
You know, I'm not very pretentious myself, | 0:07:07 | 0:07:11 | |
so one minute I'm kind of flying off to LA | 0:07:11 | 0:07:14 | |
and walking past palm trees and plastic surgeons, | 0:07:14 | 0:07:17 | |
there's a plastic surgeon just opposite the hotel. | 0:07:17 | 0:07:19 | |
And the next minute you're on a plane and back to Streatham | 0:07:19 | 0:07:22 | |
and you're walking past Greggs and WHSmith's. | 0:07:22 | 0:07:24 | |
And I love that. I think it's a great kind of... | 0:07:24 | 0:07:28 | |
It's a great leveller. | 0:07:28 | 0:07:30 | |
Is there really a Greggs next door to Smith's? | 0:07:30 | 0:07:32 | |
Yes. In Streatham, not in Hollywood. | 0:07:32 | 0:07:35 | |
No, no. Because you could get your pasty and a Take a Break | 0:07:35 | 0:07:38 | |
and then you're done. | 0:07:38 | 0:07:40 | |
Exactly. Yes. That's amazing. Yeah. | 0:07:40 | 0:07:42 | |
I'd not thought of moving to Streatham. I do love a Greggs pasty. | 0:07:42 | 0:07:46 | |
I like the sausage, bean and cheese melt. | 0:07:46 | 0:07:49 | |
It makes me feel dirty in a really good way. | 0:07:51 | 0:07:53 | |
Properly bad. | 0:07:55 | 0:07:57 | |
Um... SHE GIGGLES | 0:07:57 | 0:07:59 | |
Dirty! Yeah, really... Yeah. | 0:07:59 | 0:08:02 | |
Ohh! Um... | 0:08:02 | 0:08:03 | |
Have you just done something there? No, no. | 0:08:04 | 0:08:07 | |
Well... | 0:08:07 | 0:08:08 | |
I'll check later. | 0:08:08 | 0:08:10 | |
There's no time now. | 0:08:10 | 0:08:12 | |
Claire Danes did a lot of snot acting, didn't she? | 0:08:12 | 0:08:15 | |
She did, yeah. She cried a lot. | 0:08:15 | 0:08:17 | |
Do you think that's the main factor of the show's success? | 0:08:17 | 0:08:20 | |
Her snot? Was it her snot, | 0:08:22 | 0:08:25 | |
or did somebody come on and like, dab snot on? | 0:08:25 | 0:08:28 | |
It was fake snot. It was fake?! Yes. | 0:08:30 | 0:08:32 | |
Is there like, a snot wrangler? | 0:08:32 | 0:08:34 | |
So the snot wrangler comes in and just dumps it all over your face! | 0:08:35 | 0:08:39 | |
Somebody out the back with a cold, just providing it. | 0:08:39 | 0:08:42 | |
AUDIENCE GROANS | 0:08:42 | 0:08:43 | |
Are people surprised you're British when they've seen you in that show? | 0:08:45 | 0:08:48 | |
British people are surprised that I'm British. That's the scary... | 0:08:48 | 0:08:51 | |
The scary thing is I meet people in the street and they say, "What are you doing here? You're American." | 0:08:51 | 0:08:56 | |
And I say, "No, I'm British." It's a nice compliment, though? | 0:08:56 | 0:08:59 | |
I've been working here for 25 years! So I was... | 0:08:59 | 0:09:01 | |
Do you ever worry that your Brummie accent is going to come out? | 0:09:04 | 0:09:08 | |
BRUMMIE ACCENT: No, not really. I try... | 0:09:08 | 0:09:11 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:09:11 | 0:09:13 | |
"No, not really." Can you teach me to do an American accent? | 0:09:17 | 0:09:21 | |
Are there tricks to this? There are tricks to it. | 0:09:21 | 0:09:23 | |
There are certain words that you'd find very... That are key words. | 0:09:23 | 0:09:27 | |
OK. So I want you to say, "Water, butter, weather." | 0:09:27 | 0:09:30 | |
GEORDIE ACCENT: Water, butter, weather. | 0:09:30 | 0:09:32 | |
Are we supposed to be laughing at me in this? | 0:09:34 | 0:09:37 | |
Water, butter, weather. This could be more difficult than I thought! | 0:09:37 | 0:09:40 | |
Now I want you to say... | 0:09:42 | 0:09:43 | |
AMERICAN ACCENT: Water. | 0:09:43 | 0:09:44 | |
AMERICAN ACCENT: Water. | 0:09:45 | 0:09:47 | |
CHEERING | 0:09:47 | 0:09:49 | |
AMERICAN ACCENTS: Butter. Butter. | 0:09:50 | 0:09:53 | |
Weather. | 0:09:53 | 0:09:54 | |
GEORDIE: Weather. Weather. | 0:09:54 | 0:09:56 | |
I slipped, didn't I? You did. AMERICAN: Weather. | 0:09:56 | 0:09:59 | |
DEEPER AMERICAN ACCENT: Water, butter, weather. | 0:09:59 | 0:10:01 | |
CHEERING | 0:10:01 | 0:10:02 | |
That was very... That was very... | 0:10:05 | 0:10:07 | |
Very, very sexy, as well. | 0:10:07 | 0:10:09 | |
Oh, thanks! | 0:10:09 | 0:10:11 | |
You dropped it down a little bit. | 0:10:11 | 0:10:13 | |
DEEP VOICE: I-I did. | 0:10:13 | 0:10:14 | |
Do you know the tricks for Geordie? | 0:10:15 | 0:10:17 | |
Like, there's some words that are massively Geordie. | 0:10:17 | 0:10:20 | |
So see if you like this. | 0:10:20 | 0:10:22 | |
STRONG GEORDIE ACCENT: Antibiotics. | 0:10:22 | 0:10:25 | |
Can you do that? Antibiot... | 0:10:25 | 0:10:27 | |
Antibiotics. Antibiot... Biotic... | 0:10:27 | 0:10:30 | |
I can't say "Biotic..." I can't say that. | 0:10:30 | 0:10:32 | |
Try another one. Go on. | 0:10:32 | 0:10:34 | |
Wonky risotto. | 0:10:34 | 0:10:35 | |
GEORDIE ACCENT: Wonky risotto? | 0:10:37 | 0:10:40 | |
He's very good, isn't he? Wonky risotto. | 0:10:40 | 0:10:43 | |
I need more time! | 0:10:43 | 0:10:44 | |
I've heard that the best phrase for a Brummie accent - | 0:10:46 | 0:10:50 | |
and you might correct me on this - is... | 0:10:50 | 0:10:53 | |
BRUMMIE ACCENT: "..Roast beef Monster Munch." | 0:10:53 | 0:10:55 | |
Waterboarding. | 0:10:59 | 0:11:00 | |
Is it more fun than skiing? | 0:11:01 | 0:11:04 | |
And... | 0:11:04 | 0:11:05 | |
Is it? Cos I think it's my least favourite of the water sports. | 0:11:06 | 0:11:10 | |
Which is your favourite? | 0:11:10 | 0:11:12 | |
Of all the water sports? Yeah. | 0:11:12 | 0:11:13 | |
Bath. | 0:11:13 | 0:11:15 | |
Your character oversaw a good few lie detector tests. Mm. | 0:11:22 | 0:11:26 | |
Have you ever taken one yourself? | 0:11:26 | 0:11:29 | |
No, I've never... But I used to be quite a good liar. | 0:11:29 | 0:11:31 | |
Oh, really? Mm. I was a very good liar, back in the day. | 0:11:31 | 0:11:36 | |
Especially with the ladies. Sorry, girls. | 0:11:36 | 0:11:38 | |
AUDIENCE: Ooooh! | 0:11:38 | 0:11:39 | |
ONE PERSON CLAPS Are you enjoying...? | 0:11:39 | 0:11:41 | |
Where's the clapping? Somebody clapped?! | 0:11:41 | 0:11:43 | |
Who clapped?! Where are you?! | 0:11:43 | 0:11:45 | |
OUT! | 0:11:45 | 0:11:46 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:11:46 | 0:11:49 | |
We'll just have them killed outside. | 0:11:55 | 0:11:57 | |
So you're... | 0:11:59 | 0:12:00 | |
So you've never taken a lie detector test? No. No. | 0:12:00 | 0:12:03 | |
Not a real one. Are you enjoying this interview? | 0:12:03 | 0:12:06 | |
Yes. | 0:12:09 | 0:12:10 | |
KLAXON BLARES | 0:12:10 | 0:12:12 | |
It's broken. It's broken! | 0:12:17 | 0:12:19 | |
You've been an amazing guest. Thank you for coming on the show. | 0:12:21 | 0:12:24 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, David Harewood. | 0:12:24 | 0:12:26 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:12:26 | 0:12:29 | |
Now, there are certain types of telly programmes | 0:12:36 | 0:12:39 | |
that really start to appeal as you get older | 0:12:39 | 0:12:42 | |
and gardening shows are one of them. | 0:12:42 | 0:12:44 | |
Gardeners' World features someone called Bob Flowerdew. | 0:12:44 | 0:12:49 | |
What a name for a gardener! | 0:12:49 | 0:12:52 | |
If he worked in most gardens, he'd be called Kevin Cat-shit! | 0:12:52 | 0:12:56 | |
I love watching those transformation garden shows. | 0:13:03 | 0:13:06 | |
"We've only got two days to totally transform this garden! | 0:13:06 | 0:13:09 | |
"Otherwise it's gonna take three days!" | 0:13:09 | 0:13:11 | |
I've got a garden for the first time as an adult | 0:13:16 | 0:13:19 | |
and I've watched the gardening programmes | 0:13:19 | 0:13:21 | |
but they just don't answer all of my questions. | 0:13:21 | 0:13:24 | |
Here are some things that I'd still like to know. | 0:13:24 | 0:13:26 | |
Which weeds can I pretend are really plants? | 0:13:26 | 0:13:29 | |
Is next door watching me sunbathe through their window | 0:13:31 | 0:13:33 | |
and, if not, how can I make them? | 0:13:33 | 0:13:35 | |
If I throw snails over the wall, | 0:13:37 | 0:13:39 | |
how long will it take them to come back? | 0:13:39 | 0:13:41 | |
How big does the garden have to be | 0:13:43 | 0:13:45 | |
before I can justify a sit-on lawnmower? | 0:13:45 | 0:13:48 | |
How much weedkiller would a 45-year-old man, | 0:13:50 | 0:13:53 | |
weighing about 14 stone... | 0:13:53 | 0:13:54 | |
..have to drink before it killed him? Asking for a friend. | 0:13:56 | 0:13:59 | |
Apparently, you can get rid of slugs with beer. | 0:14:02 | 0:14:05 | |
If they end up pissed and a bit clingy, | 0:14:05 | 0:14:07 | |
just leave a kebab out with a bit of salt on it. | 0:14:07 | 0:14:09 | |
One tip I read was to put Vaseline on birdhouse poles. | 0:14:11 | 0:14:16 | |
Now I just have a garden full of lubed-up squirrels! | 0:14:16 | 0:14:19 | |
Apparently, and this is true, | 0:14:22 | 0:14:24 | |
if you have lion poo in your garden, | 0:14:24 | 0:14:26 | |
it stops wildlife digging up all your valuable plants. | 0:14:26 | 0:14:30 | |
Personally, I'd say if you've got lions shitting in your garden, | 0:14:30 | 0:14:35 | |
you've got bigger problems than a few dead shrubs! | 0:14:35 | 0:14:38 | |
"Oh, there goes another postman! | 0:14:39 | 0:14:41 | |
"It's a pity. I thought he'd be able to run faster than that! | 0:14:42 | 0:14:46 | |
"Maybe it's the catalogues that slowed him down." | 0:14:46 | 0:14:49 | |
I've just bought a strimmer for clearing the undergrowth. | 0:14:50 | 0:14:55 | |
Ladyshave just wasn't robust enough. | 0:14:55 | 0:14:57 | |
My new neighbour is a keen gardener - | 0:15:08 | 0:15:11 | |
he's got a loft full of plants! | 0:15:11 | 0:15:13 | |
Seems happy enough. | 0:15:13 | 0:15:14 | |
I noticed some foxgloves in my garden yesterday. | 0:15:17 | 0:15:20 | |
They were really lovely. | 0:15:20 | 0:15:22 | |
So I hung them on the fence | 0:15:22 | 0:15:23 | |
in case the fox who dropped them comes past again. | 0:15:23 | 0:15:26 | |
There are some plants that are poisonous | 0:15:29 | 0:15:31 | |
and shouldn't be eaten under any circumstances. | 0:15:31 | 0:15:33 | |
I call them vegetables. | 0:15:33 | 0:15:35 | |
I used to love playing out when I was a kid. Happy on my own. | 0:15:39 | 0:15:43 | |
The upside of loneliness is that you get really good at Swingball. | 0:15:43 | 0:15:47 | |
It was only recently that I found out | 0:15:49 | 0:15:51 | |
you're supposed to play it with two people! | 0:15:51 | 0:15:54 | |
I just thought it was a spare bat. | 0:15:54 | 0:15:56 | |
My friend and her horrible husband | 0:15:59 | 0:16:01 | |
had a huge row about their patio makeover. | 0:16:01 | 0:16:04 | |
I asked her what he was so angry about | 0:16:04 | 0:16:06 | |
and she said, "He wants decking." | 0:16:06 | 0:16:07 | |
I said, "I couldn't agree more, but what's he angry about?" | 0:16:07 | 0:16:10 | |
Well, I need some help on this, | 0:16:16 | 0:16:18 | |
so please welcome top television gardener Diarmuid Gavin! | 0:16:18 | 0:16:22 | |
Hello, love. How are you? | 0:16:29 | 0:16:31 | |
I'm great, Sarah. How are you? | 0:16:31 | 0:16:33 | |
I'm good. Thanks so much for coming on the show, love. | 0:16:33 | 0:16:36 | |
Now, how would you tend my lady garden? | 0:16:36 | 0:16:38 | |
Describe it to me. Is it unruly or is it beautifully manicured? | 0:16:40 | 0:16:44 | |
It's, um... | 0:16:46 | 0:16:47 | |
It needs a bit of work. | 0:16:50 | 0:16:51 | |
And it...it might be a two-man job! | 0:16:54 | 0:16:56 | |
What's the...? I can do the work of three men! | 0:17:02 | 0:17:04 | |
You bring Titchmarsh and Monty and we'll talk! | 0:17:05 | 0:17:08 | |
What makes something a weed, and how can I tell? | 0:17:11 | 0:17:14 | |
What's the difference between a weed and a plant? | 0:17:14 | 0:17:17 | |
There is no difference. | 0:17:17 | 0:17:18 | |
A weed is just a plant growing in a place you don't want it. | 0:17:18 | 0:17:21 | |
So something growing where you don't want it to grow? | 0:17:21 | 0:17:24 | |
Apparently, a common problem is planting too deep. | 0:17:25 | 0:17:28 | |
Now, that surprises me cos I didn't think you could go too deep. | 0:17:30 | 0:17:34 | |
What are you planting? | 0:17:36 | 0:17:37 | |
Oh, now it's a proper question about gardening. Um... | 0:17:40 | 0:17:43 | |
Er...a man's cock. | 0:17:45 | 0:17:47 | |
WHISTLES AND APPLAUSE | 0:17:49 | 0:17:51 | |
I just say, "Go all the way until it stops." | 0:17:56 | 0:17:58 | |
OK. In bulbs, a lot of people ask that question for bulbs. | 0:18:00 | 0:18:04 | |
So twice the depth of the bulb | 0:18:04 | 0:18:06 | |
and it'll always go towards the light. | 0:18:06 | 0:18:08 | |
Just like a man's... | 0:18:08 | 0:18:10 | |
I did not know that about a man's... | 0:18:14 | 0:18:17 | |
..bulb. | 0:18:19 | 0:18:20 | |
How long does it take you to harden off? | 0:18:22 | 0:18:24 | |
CHEERING AND WHISTLES | 0:18:30 | 0:18:32 | |
It depends on who's asking! | 0:18:39 | 0:18:41 | |
What grows well in warm, damp conditions and... | 0:18:43 | 0:18:48 | |
does it respond to Canesten? | 0:18:48 | 0:18:49 | |
Er... | 0:18:54 | 0:18:55 | |
Mushrooms. And no. | 0:18:56 | 0:18:59 | |
Now, beef tomatoes... | 0:19:02 | 0:19:05 | |
Are they promising something they just can't deliver? | 0:19:05 | 0:19:08 | |
They're just big, juicy tomatoes. That's all. | 0:19:12 | 0:19:15 | |
There's no meat in them at all! | 0:19:15 | 0:19:17 | |
Have you ever dug up anything odd in a garden? | 0:19:23 | 0:19:26 | |
I dug up a cat, once. | 0:19:26 | 0:19:28 | |
Was it dead? | 0:19:30 | 0:19:31 | |
It was. | 0:19:34 | 0:19:36 | |
And the lady had told me she'd buried the cat in the garden, | 0:19:36 | 0:19:39 | |
and I just forgot where. | 0:19:39 | 0:19:41 | |
So, up it came with the digger. | 0:19:41 | 0:19:43 | |
Now, how can I tell if a trampoline will take my weight? | 0:19:45 | 0:19:49 | |
We just put a trampoline in our garden. If it takes me, it'll take you. | 0:19:51 | 0:19:55 | |
It'll even take the two of us. | 0:19:55 | 0:19:57 | |
Oh, OK! AUDIENCE: Wooo! | 0:19:57 | 0:19:59 | |
That's a weird offer, but I'm up for it. | 0:19:59 | 0:20:01 | |
Now, we're all being asked to save rainwater. | 0:20:03 | 0:20:06 | |
Do you like big butts - and you cannot lie? | 0:20:06 | 0:20:08 | |
Yes! | 0:20:13 | 0:20:15 | |
Seeing as you asked so nicely. | 0:20:18 | 0:20:20 | |
What is the correct position in a garden for a semi-deflated Space Hopper? | 0:20:24 | 0:20:29 | |
Cos I've got one and I don't know where to put it. | 0:20:30 | 0:20:33 | |
Is Space Hopper a kind of euphemism? | 0:20:35 | 0:20:38 | |
No. | 0:20:41 | 0:20:42 | |
I don't know what it would be a euphemism for! | 0:20:44 | 0:20:47 | |
It's just like an inflatable thing. It's got ears that you hold on to! | 0:20:48 | 0:20:52 | |
I've never realised how ridiculous a Space Hopper sounds when you describe it. | 0:20:52 | 0:20:57 | |
You sit on it and then you bounce along. | 0:20:57 | 0:20:59 | |
You blow this thing up? Yes. You sit on it? Sit on it. | 0:21:00 | 0:21:05 | |
You hold onto its ears. | 0:21:05 | 0:21:06 | |
Then you... You bounce along. | 0:21:06 | 0:21:09 | |
Are you on one now? | 0:21:09 | 0:21:11 | |
I don't believe you just made me describe a Space Hopper! | 0:21:13 | 0:21:17 | |
Is it still acceptable to wee in a paddling pool at the age of 38? | 0:21:20 | 0:21:24 | |
No. | 0:21:29 | 0:21:30 | |
Awww. You're not me dad. | 0:21:31 | 0:21:33 | |
What's your favourite tool? | 0:21:38 | 0:21:40 | |
I am quite partial to | 0:21:41 | 0:21:44 | |
a long-handled shovel, with a long wooden shaft. | 0:21:44 | 0:21:47 | |
It's very good for the back. | 0:21:47 | 0:21:49 | |
Digging, you know? Yeah. | 0:21:50 | 0:21:52 | |
Use the back. | 0:21:52 | 0:21:53 | |
No, I like a long shaft. | 0:21:53 | 0:21:55 | |
Not so good for my back, though. | 0:21:57 | 0:21:59 | |
Has your wife ever imposed a hosepipe ban? | 0:22:02 | 0:22:05 | |
It's been lovely having you on the show. Ladies and gentlemen, Diarmuid Gavin! | 0:22:19 | 0:22:23 | |
So I'm starting to like gardening programmes and shows for older people, | 0:22:34 | 0:22:38 | |
but I can still enjoy a bit of youth TV. | 0:22:38 | 0:22:41 | |
On Cribs, a camera crew is shown around a celebrity's house. | 0:22:41 | 0:22:45 | |
Often, it's not even their house, | 0:22:45 | 0:22:47 | |
which must be tricky when you're showing people round. | 0:22:47 | 0:22:50 | |
"This is the...lounge. | 0:22:50 | 0:22:52 | |
"This is the en-suite... | 0:22:53 | 0:22:55 | |
"kitchen. | 0:22:55 | 0:22:56 | |
"This is the wardrobe where I keep all of my... | 0:22:56 | 0:22:59 | |
"gimp. | 0:22:59 | 0:23:00 | |
"This is the...dungeon | 0:23:02 | 0:23:05 | |
"where we keep the wine." | 0:23:05 | 0:23:07 | |
Catfish is a show that follows people on the internet | 0:23:08 | 0:23:11 | |
who are having relationships with other people on the internet | 0:23:11 | 0:23:14 | |
who are lying about who they are. | 0:23:14 | 0:23:16 | |
You can tell straight away. Too many jobs. | 0:23:16 | 0:23:19 | |
"Oh, he's lovely. He's a rapper | 0:23:19 | 0:23:22 | |
"and a male model | 0:23:22 | 0:23:24 | |
"and a footballer | 0:23:24 | 0:23:26 | |
"and a cowboy. | 0:23:26 | 0:23:28 | |
"Some people call him Maurice." | 0:23:28 | 0:23:31 | |
Whit-whoo. | 0:23:39 | 0:23:40 | |
One of my favourite shows this year was The Big Reunion, | 0:23:42 | 0:23:45 | |
where they reunited '90s pop bands for one last concert/tour. | 0:23:45 | 0:23:49 | |
Old, awesome bands. | 0:23:49 | 0:23:51 | |
A couple of new faces. | 0:23:51 | 0:23:53 | |
Same people, just new faces. | 0:23:53 | 0:23:55 | |
The boy bands really exaggerated how busy they were. | 0:23:58 | 0:24:01 | |
Blue work seven-day weeks. | 0:24:01 | 0:24:02 | |
Five didn't even have a day off in six months. | 0:24:02 | 0:24:05 | |
911 had to invent a new month in 1996 | 0:24:05 | 0:24:07 | |
just to get through their world tour. | 0:24:07 | 0:24:10 | |
Surely the most offensive thing isn't being asked to do the show, | 0:24:11 | 0:24:14 | |
it's being asked when you're still going. | 0:24:14 | 0:24:17 | |
Your manager rings you. "Good news. I've got you on that Big Reunion." | 0:24:17 | 0:24:20 | |
"But we're still together!" | 0:24:20 | 0:24:22 | |
"Ah, shit. Sorry, lads, I didn't know." | 0:24:22 | 0:24:24 | |
But if you like people singing on TV, there's nothing better than Glee. | 0:24:26 | 0:24:30 | |
Glee couldn't be any camper if Dale Winton turned up | 0:24:30 | 0:24:33 | |
singing ABBA songs while wearing sequinned, bum-less, cowboy chaps! | 0:24:33 | 0:24:37 | |
If they had a British version, it would be called Glum. | 0:24:40 | 0:24:43 | |
A bunch of talented losers who don't end up doing anything | 0:24:45 | 0:24:48 | |
because after-school club funding has been cut. | 0:24:48 | 0:24:51 | |
While fans of Glee are called Gleeks, | 0:24:52 | 0:24:55 | |
fans of Glum would be called Glunts. | 0:24:55 | 0:24:57 | |
We never had a glee club at our school, which is just as well. | 0:25:06 | 0:25:08 | |
People seemed to have enough reasons to bully me | 0:25:08 | 0:25:11 | |
without tap dancing and singing show tunes. | 0:25:11 | 0:25:13 | |
I love watching Glee, but I can't watch it with my boyfriend | 0:25:14 | 0:25:17 | |
because he doesn't understand that sometimes a band just appears out of nowhere. | 0:25:17 | 0:25:21 | |
He'll watch Game of Thrones | 0:25:21 | 0:25:23 | |
and find all that fantasy nonsense totally feasible, | 0:25:23 | 0:25:26 | |
but "Where did the band come from? | 0:25:26 | 0:25:28 | |
"They weren't there before. And no-one ever thanks them." | 0:25:28 | 0:25:32 | |
What I'd like to do is find out more about my favourite show | 0:25:33 | 0:25:36 | |
so please welcome, all the way from Glee Club, Matthew Morrison. | 0:25:36 | 0:25:39 | |
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING | 0:25:39 | 0:25:42 | |
Hello! | 0:25:46 | 0:25:47 | |
Now, Glee is my favourite show, so the question I have to ask you is, | 0:25:50 | 0:25:54 | |
"Are you really here?" | 0:25:54 | 0:25:56 | |
Um, yes, I'm really here. | 0:25:58 | 0:26:00 | |
But my name is Matthew, not Will. | 0:26:00 | 0:26:03 | |
In real life, I'm not the kind of guy who hangs out around high schools! | 0:26:03 | 0:26:07 | |
Bet you're glad to hear that. That's probably for the best. Fair enough! | 0:26:08 | 0:26:12 | |
I love Glee. I love all the singing and all the dancing. | 0:26:12 | 0:26:15 | |
But tell me, how do you get your curls so tight? | 0:26:15 | 0:26:18 | |
You've got a bloody good head of hair on you! Thank you. | 0:26:18 | 0:26:22 | |
I thank my mom for that. | 0:26:22 | 0:26:24 | |
Does she blow dry it for you? She does. | 0:26:24 | 0:26:26 | |
Now, is it true you only ate potatoes | 0:26:29 | 0:26:32 | |
so that you could get a six-pack? | 0:26:32 | 0:26:35 | |
That was a diet you did? Is that true? | 0:26:35 | 0:26:37 | |
Sweet potatoes. Oh, shit! | 0:26:37 | 0:26:40 | |
Did you try it? Did you decide to do that? | 0:26:43 | 0:26:46 | |
Just chips every day! | 0:26:46 | 0:26:48 | |
To be honest, it wasn't much of a change from what I was doing before. | 0:26:49 | 0:26:52 | |
You play a Spanish teacher. Mm-hm. | 0:26:54 | 0:26:57 | |
What's the sexiest thing you can say in Spanish? | 0:26:57 | 0:27:00 | |
I can't really speak Spanish! | 0:27:01 | 0:27:03 | |
Ohhh. Um... | 0:27:04 | 0:27:06 | |
Hay labios. Jamon, lechugo. | 0:27:06 | 0:27:08 | |
SOME CHEERS | 0:27:08 | 0:27:10 | |
That just sounded like you were putting an accent on. | 0:27:10 | 0:27:12 | |
IN SPANISH ACCENT: I love you. I won't let you go. | 0:27:12 | 0:27:15 | |
Is that what you said? No, no! | 0:27:15 | 0:27:17 | |
That's what it sounded like! | 0:27:17 | 0:27:18 | |
It sounds like, "I love you, I won't let you go," | 0:27:18 | 0:27:20 | |
but I actually just said, "lips, ham, and lettuce." | 0:27:20 | 0:27:26 | |
Hay labios... That works for me. | 0:27:26 | 0:27:28 | |
Jamon, lechugo. "I love you, ham." | 0:27:28 | 0:27:31 | |
And your lettuce. And I won't let your lettuce go. | 0:27:31 | 0:27:34 | |
Let's make that sound rude. It doesn't sound that rude at the minute, but we'll work on it. | 0:27:35 | 0:27:39 | |
What is the first rule of Glee Club? | 0:27:39 | 0:27:42 | |
Is it, "You can't speak a cappella outside of Glee Club?" | 0:27:42 | 0:27:45 | |
That's right. Absolutely, yeah. | 0:27:45 | 0:27:47 | |
And, you know, you never thank the band, like you said. | 0:27:47 | 0:27:50 | |
That's a rule? Never thank the band! Never thank the band. | 0:27:50 | 0:27:53 | |
"5, 6, 7, 8... Now shut up!" | 0:27:53 | 0:27:56 | |
Um, can I smell you? | 0:27:58 | 0:28:00 | |
That was just... | 0:28:00 | 0:28:02 | |
Which part of me would you like to smell? | 0:28:05 | 0:28:07 | |
Like, a neck would do. | 0:28:10 | 0:28:12 | |
Is that OK? I'll come to you. I'll come to you. | 0:28:12 | 0:28:14 | |
AUDIENCE: Wooo! | 0:28:14 | 0:28:16 | |
Shut up! | 0:28:16 | 0:28:17 | |
Ooh, that's nice. That's nice. | 0:28:21 | 0:28:23 | |
It's slightly overtaken by that! | 0:28:23 | 0:28:25 | |
Ooh! | 0:28:28 | 0:28:30 | |
Wowsers! | 0:28:31 | 0:28:33 | |
I got two smells there! | 0:28:33 | 0:28:35 | |
I'm not going to say which one I preferred! | 0:28:37 | 0:28:39 | |
Can I touch you? | 0:28:40 | 0:28:41 | |
Sorry, that's fine. It's fine. | 0:28:43 | 0:28:45 | |
How low can... No, it's fine. | 0:28:45 | 0:28:47 | |
Do you know the second most... No, it's only two inches. | 0:28:49 | 0:28:52 | |
From the ground! | 0:28:52 | 0:28:53 | |
Wow. That is impressive. | 0:28:57 | 0:28:59 | |
You must have very short legs! | 0:29:01 | 0:29:02 | |
Now, you said you're very proud to be Scottish. | 0:29:06 | 0:29:08 | |
I don't think many people know that you are Scottish. I am? | 0:29:08 | 0:29:11 | |
Oh... | 0:29:11 | 0:29:13 | |
No, I absolutely am. | 0:29:13 | 0:29:15 | |
How far back are the Scottish roots? | 0:29:26 | 0:29:28 | |
I... Three generations. | 0:29:30 | 0:29:31 | |
Oh, you're not Scottish, then. Shut your face. | 0:29:31 | 0:29:34 | |
No, no. No. I'm not a real Scot. | 0:29:34 | 0:29:37 | |
You're not a real one. No. | 0:29:37 | 0:29:39 | |
Now, you did a gig at the White House for the Obamas. | 0:29:39 | 0:29:42 | |
That must have been terrifying. | 0:29:42 | 0:29:43 | |
It was at Christmas time and I did a Hawaiian Christmas song | 0:29:43 | 0:29:46 | |
because he's from Hawaii. So you sucked up to him properly! | 0:29:46 | 0:29:49 | |
Absolutely. Now, Obama gave you a hug afterwards. | 0:29:49 | 0:29:52 | |
How did that feel? Did you just feel really safe? | 0:29:52 | 0:29:55 | |
Does he give good hug? He does. | 0:29:55 | 0:29:57 | |
When Obama is in the room, he is the coolest guy in the room. | 0:29:57 | 0:30:00 | |
Like, hands down, he is just a really cool guy. | 0:30:00 | 0:30:03 | |
It was a cool hug. | 0:30:03 | 0:30:05 | |
Was it a bit too long? Did you hold on for a bit too long? | 0:30:05 | 0:30:08 | |
No, because you get a Secret Service member pulling you off right away. | 0:30:08 | 0:30:12 | |
Wow, they pull you off, as well?! | 0:30:12 | 0:30:13 | |
Can you teach me any vocal warm-ups? | 0:30:23 | 0:30:26 | |
Is there anything that you always do before you start singing? | 0:30:26 | 0:30:29 | |
My vocal warm-ups sound pretty nasty, but I'll give you a tame one. Really? | 0:30:29 | 0:30:34 | |
Oh, I could do a nasty one. | 0:30:34 | 0:30:35 | |
It's what I've heard! | 0:30:38 | 0:30:40 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:30:40 | 0:30:43 | |
That's because I told you! | 0:30:47 | 0:30:50 | |
Dressing room 2. All right! | 0:30:50 | 0:30:51 | |
RISING IN PITCH: # Bumblebee, bumblebee, bumblebee, bumblebee | 0:30:53 | 0:30:56 | |
FALLING: # Bumblebee, bumblebee, bumblebee, bumblebee. # | 0:30:56 | 0:30:58 | |
Should I give it a go? Yeah. | 0:30:58 | 0:31:00 | |
SHAKILY: # Bumblebee... # | 0:31:00 | 0:31:01 | |
It's just what I talk like! Shut up. | 0:31:03 | 0:31:06 | |
# Bumblebee, bumblebee | 0:31:06 | 0:31:08 | |
VERY HIGH: # Bumblebee! # | 0:31:08 | 0:31:09 | |
Yeah! | 0:31:09 | 0:31:11 | |
# Bumblebee, bumblebee. # Is that all right? | 0:31:11 | 0:31:14 | |
Yeah, do you need some water? | 0:31:14 | 0:31:16 | |
Yeah! And a shotgun. | 0:31:16 | 0:31:17 | |
Do you think I would make it in Glee Club? | 0:31:20 | 0:31:21 | |
Nope. | 0:31:21 | 0:31:22 | |
Could I not even help tidy up after Glee Club? | 0:31:30 | 0:31:32 | |
Don't even audition. | 0:31:32 | 0:31:33 | |
AUDIENCE: Aw! | 0:31:33 | 0:31:36 | |
Hey, I meant to say, "Don't stop believing." | 0:31:36 | 0:31:40 | |
But I think I could fit in really well, cos I'm a bit of an outcast | 0:31:40 | 0:31:44 | |
and I wear glasses, and that's it, isn't it? | 0:31:44 | 0:31:47 | |
Is that it? You're an outcast with your own damn TV show?! | 0:31:47 | 0:31:52 | |
Oh, yeah! Ah! | 0:31:52 | 0:31:55 | |
Let's hope the people from school are watching! | 0:31:55 | 0:31:57 | |
Do you think so? | 0:32:00 | 0:32:02 | |
My favourite song is Cliff Richard's Wired For Sound. | 0:32:07 | 0:32:10 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:32:10 | 0:32:12 | |
I don't think I know that one. | 0:32:12 | 0:32:14 | |
You don't know... I don't know that one. You know Cliff Richard? | 0:32:14 | 0:32:17 | |
SHE GASPS | 0:32:17 | 0:32:20 | |
Oh, damn! I'm in trouble, huh? | 0:32:20 | 0:32:22 | |
Oh, my God! Have you... You've never heard of Cliff Richard? | 0:32:22 | 0:32:26 | |
Afraid not. He's like our Elvis! | 0:32:26 | 0:32:28 | |
Obviously! | 0:32:28 | 0:32:30 | |
I'm gonna get booed off stage in a second! | 0:32:30 | 0:32:33 | |
Now, you do a bit of break-dancing, don't you? | 0:32:33 | 0:32:36 | |
I did. You did? Back in the day. | 0:32:36 | 0:32:39 | |
I call it broke-dancing, now. | 0:32:39 | 0:32:41 | |
Because every time I do it, like, I'm older now | 0:32:41 | 0:32:44 | |
so my back hurts the next day. It's not a good thing. | 0:32:44 | 0:32:47 | |
Can you... I mostly dance sitting down, especially when I'm driving. | 0:32:47 | 0:32:51 | |
Can you give me any tips for sit-down dancing? | 0:32:51 | 0:32:53 | |
Sit-down dancing? Like the roll of a wave, just like this. | 0:32:53 | 0:32:57 | |
You know? | 0:32:57 | 0:32:59 | |
But if you're driving, you might go... | 0:32:59 | 0:33:02 | |
I could do it. And if I've got the window open, I could get it all the way out! Yes. | 0:33:02 | 0:33:06 | |
Like that? Like that? | 0:33:08 | 0:33:10 | |
Woo-oo-oo! | 0:33:10 | 0:33:12 | |
I'm properly shit at this. | 0:33:12 | 0:33:13 | |
I don't think... LOUD POPPING SOUND What was that?! | 0:33:14 | 0:33:17 | |
Nothing! What happened there? | 0:33:17 | 0:33:18 | |
You just kind of turn me on a little bit. | 0:33:18 | 0:33:21 | |
You appeared in a TV movie called Once Upon a Mattress. | 0:33:29 | 0:33:31 | |
I did. Was it a porno? | 0:33:31 | 0:33:33 | |
Was the full title Once Upon a Mattress and Twice Against a Wall? | 0:33:36 | 0:33:39 | |
Ah! | 0:33:45 | 0:33:47 | |
Are you a karaoke king on a night out? No. | 0:33:47 | 0:33:50 | |
Not at all? | 0:33:50 | 0:33:51 | |
No. | 0:33:51 | 0:33:53 | |
Really? Why? | 0:33:53 | 0:33:54 | |
The thing is, when you go to do karaoke, | 0:33:54 | 0:33:57 | |
I feel like if you're actually a really good singer, | 0:33:57 | 0:33:59 | |
people don't like it, because it's more for like, fun and just... | 0:33:59 | 0:34:03 | |
so my go-to karaoke song is Baby Got Back. Right. | 0:34:03 | 0:34:06 | |
By Sir Mix-a-Lot. | 0:34:06 | 0:34:07 | |
RAPS: I like big butts and I cannot lie | 0:34:07 | 0:34:09 | |
You other brothers can't deny... | 0:34:09 | 0:34:11 | |
Yeah. That's my go-to karaoke song. | 0:34:11 | 0:34:14 | |
It's also good to know! | 0:34:14 | 0:34:15 | |
It's all...it's all information. | 0:34:21 | 0:34:23 | |
When I do karaoke, I do it in a private booth. | 0:34:24 | 0:34:28 | |
OK. I bet you do! | 0:34:28 | 0:34:30 | |
It's not the only thing I do in a private booth, but let's save that for later. | 0:34:30 | 0:34:34 | |
But I like the small speakers and I like the tall speakers. | 0:34:34 | 0:34:38 | |
And, uh, | 0:34:38 | 0:34:40 | |
if they've got music, | 0:34:40 | 0:34:42 | |
then they're wired for sound. | 0:34:42 | 0:34:44 | |
# Walkin' about with a head full of music | 0:34:46 | 0:34:48 | |
# Cassette in my pocket and I'm gonna use it - stereo | 0:34:48 | 0:34:53 | |
# Out in the streets, you know | 0:34:53 | 0:34:56 | |
# Wo-wo-wo wo-wo-wo | 0:34:56 | 0:34:59 | |
# Into the car, go to work and I'm cruisin' | 0:35:00 | 0:35:03 | |
# I never think that I'll blow all my fuses | 0:35:03 | 0:35:06 | |
# Traffic flows | 0:35:06 | 0:35:07 | |
# Into the breakfast show | 0:35:07 | 0:35:10 | |
# Wo-wo-wo wo-wo-wo | 0:35:10 | 0:35:13 | |
# Wo-wo-wo | 0:35:15 | 0:35:16 | |
# Power from the needle to the plastic | 0:35:17 | 0:35:22 | |
# AM, FM, I feel so ecstatic now | 0:35:22 | 0:35:28 | |
# It's music I've found | 0:35:28 | 0:35:30 | |
# And I'm wired for sound | 0:35:30 | 0:35:33 | |
# Power from the needle to the plastic | 0:35:35 | 0:35:40 | |
# AM, FM, I feel so ecstatic now | 0:35:40 | 0:35:46 | |
# It's music I've found | 0:35:46 | 0:35:49 | |
# And I'm wired for sound | 0:35:49 | 0:35:51 | |
# I was small boy | 0:35:54 | 0:35:56 | |
# Who don't like his toys | 0:35:56 | 0:35:58 | |
# I could not wait to get... | 0:35:58 | 0:36:02 | |
# Wired for sound. # | 0:36:02 | 0:36:05 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, Matthew Morrison! | 0:36:20 | 0:36:22 | |
Thank you! | 0:36:22 | 0:36:24 | |
And for once, we're going to thank the bloody band! | 0:36:27 | 0:36:31 | |
Thank you, guys! | 0:36:31 | 0:36:32 | |
And thank you, dancers! | 0:36:34 | 0:36:36 | |
SCHOOL BELL RINGS | 0:36:38 | 0:36:40 | |
That's all we've got time for tonight. | 0:36:41 | 0:36:43 | |
Unfortunately, we haven't had time to talk about high school shows | 0:36:43 | 0:36:46 | |
like Grange Hill - they never did songs. | 0:36:46 | 0:36:49 | |
Well, they did, but it was about heroin. | 0:36:49 | 0:36:51 | |
They're bringing back Dawson's Creek. He's older now, | 0:36:54 | 0:36:57 | |
and manages the creek with cod liver oil! | 0:36:57 | 0:36:59 | |
We haven't had time to talk about The Wire. | 0:37:01 | 0:37:03 | |
People complained they couldn't understand what was being said. | 0:37:03 | 0:37:06 | |
Southerners had the same problem with Byker Grove! | 0:37:06 | 0:37:09 | |
And 24 - proof of what a bloke can get done in a day when he puts his mind to it! | 0:37:10 | 0:37:14 | |
Good night! | 0:37:14 | 0:37:16 | |
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd | 0:37:40 | 0:37:43 |