Episode 4 The Sarah Millican Slightly Longer Television Programme

This programme contains some strong language.

AUDIENCE CHEERS AND WHISTLES

Hello and welcome to the Sarah Millican Television Programme.

CHEERING

The way we watch television is changing.

It's all box sets these days.

People who watch loads of box sets are like pushers.

"Just try this one.

"If you like it, come back and have another one."

Then you're hooked, aren't you?

If you keep watching episodes while your partner's out, it's like having an affair.

"It didn't mean anything.

"It wasn't a very good episode."

I like watching Heir Hunters. That's H-E-I-R not Air Hunters.

SNIFFS

"Found some. I found some!"

After someone's died, they try to find living relatives to give their belongings to. It's very sad.

And quite depressing if you're watching it on your own.

That's why I've got a cat.

That way, I'm never alone.

And if I died there'd be nobody to find, anyway.

Nom-nom. Meow.

I'm not big on futuristic stuff,

but I would love to see a drama set slightly in the future.

"Oh, they did build that car park."

Razors have six blades.

Amanda Holden is still 39.

There's a sale still on at DFS.

And we're all a little bit fatter.

Cash In The Attic deserved some spin-offs!

"Tom Selleck is the new lodger." 'Tache In The Attic!

"Do you want to see our new toilet?" Slash In The Attic.

"I've been having rough sex with the new lodger."

Rash In The Attic. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Television isn't just about entertainment. It can really help us, too.

Take medical programmes. I've learnt loads from them.

For example, there's medical evidence that wearing bras doesn't stop you getting saggy boobs.

They can make it worse because they get complacent.

Like a lazy eye.

You have to put a sticky plaster over one boob to make the other one work harder!

I love medical telly, but every time I hear someone say, "Ears, nose and throat,"

I always want to say, "Heads, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes."

On TV, when experts ask men to test their testicles, they always liken them to fruit, don't they?

"The should feel like small plums."

I think that's fine as long as it's fruit we all recognise.

What if a really posh doctor said, "They should be between a dragon fruit and a sharon fruit."

I've got nothing.

I had a lady appointment and I said to the doctor, "Everything off?"

She said, "No. You can keep your top on."

I told that to a male friend and he thought I meant like at the hairdresser. "Everything off!"

"Just give us the mirror."

"No, that's lovely. That's lovely.

"I like it. I really like it.

"It's lovely. Me boyfriend will be really pleased.

"It's taken years off."

"About 30."

They say that it's easiest to tell your kids about sex while in the car as you're driving.

You don't have to look at them and vice versa.

What about the people who don't have cars?

Do they have to do it on the bus?

My friend was taught that you stick the penis in the vagina,

but not that you had to move it around a bit.

So he thought it was just like putting bread in a toaster.

When it was done, it just popped out.

Sometimes it was brown.

GROANS AND LAUGHTER

My favourite medical show, I know it's yours too, is Embarrassing Bodies.

It's a helpful show because a lot of people are nervous about going to the doctor's.

A male friend of mine won't go to the doctor's

in case he's asked how much he masturbates.

"And how often do you masturbate?"

NERVOUSLY "Um...how often is normal?"

"How often do you think is normal?"

"21 units a week?"

"That's drinking."

"Five times a day?"

"That's fruit."

It's not like that for women. We can have it as often as we like. Like broccoli - no points!

If a man comes in with a hamster stuck up his arse,

who does he go to - a doctor or a vet?

I suppose it depends who's in the most distress.

"I think he's quite stressed cos he's scratching a lot."

How would you even get one in in the first place?

Best not lure them in with sunflower seeds.

If its cheeks get bigger, you'll never get the little bugger out!

I love Embarrassing Bodies - Live From The Clinic,

where people Skype in with their ailments.

It's like Chat Roulette with cocks!

So it's like Chat Roulette.

I love where one of the doctors is talking to a patient via Skype

and says, "OK, Brian. Can we take a look?"

Then the bloke stands up, turns round and bends over.

"OK, Brian. Thanks.

"Brian.

"Brian?

"Brian, we've seen it, love.

"Sit down again, Brian.

"Brian.

"No, don't part them."

One episode, a really pretty young girl came up on the screen

with the biggest knockers you've ever seen.

The size where even men would say, "Ooh, they must hurt."

And Dr Christian said, "So what is it we can help you with today?"

It's obviously her tits! But you can't be too careful, can you?

They could say, "So, Rachel, those norks are massive, aren't they?"

"I-I was going to ask about the warts I've got on me hands."

What happens if you want to be on but you haven't got a laptop?

Are people going to the library to do this?

In the background, there's a woman putting books away.

There was an episode where a lady's arse prolapsed into her vagina.

# Tonight is the night

# When two become one... #

I think the best thing about Embarrassing Bodies is my favourite medic, Dr Christian.

I've been reading his book about growing up and I've learnt a lot.

Apparently, you can get pregnant if you do star jumps after sex.

But it'll probably stop you from getting sex again.

What could be better than reading Dr Christian's book?

A personal consultation with the man himself.

Please welcome Dr Christian Jessen.

CHEERS AND WHISTLES

Hello. How are you? Welcome to the show. Thanks for coming on.

Feels just like I'm at work again. Do you need anything?

Well...

I don't know if now's the right time. It's probably not.

How often do you masturbate?

LAUGHTER

Um...

About 21 units?

LAUGHING: Good answer!

We're given quite a lot of health advice.

It's hard to know which is true and which is rubbish, so I was going to run a few by you.

See if you could tell us which are true and which are myths. OK.

Does eating crusts make your hair curly?

My mum said so, but no, not true.

So all of our mams are liars? All of them. Yes.

Is it true that you feed a cold and feed a fever? No, that's nonsense.

Doesn't make any difference. Just eat healthily is the message.

Really? Yeah. Cos I just eat loads, whatever.

So eat healthily? Eat healthily. Can I eat loads of healthy things?

You know, like biscuits with raisins in?

It's one of your five a day. It's fine by me. Yeah.

Shut up! It is.

Garibaldis are one of your five a day? A handful of raisins is one.

So enough Garibaldis... A pack of Garibaldis is one of your five a day?

I'm sure I'll now get a complaint letter, but...

Not from me you won't!

You know the rule about eating food off the floor, the two-day rule?

If you drop it and two days later you still fancy it, you can eat it?

Right. Is that true? Is that one that your mum told you?

No, I ma...made it up. Did you make that one up?

I've heard that it's two days on the floor, but three seconds...

The three second rule, that's if it's on a condom.

That's what I heard, shut your faces.

Not from me, she didn't.

You keep your reputation in check. Yeah.

Is it true you can't get pregnant off a toilet seat?

It depends who you're with.

What if the toilet seat was made of an erect penis?

APPLAUSE

I just said, it depends who you're with.

So it's possible, like? If it was an erect...

I can't say that word in front of you.

What do YOU call it? Yeah, that, but it feels wrong now here with you.

Why? Cos you're dressed all nice.

I'm dressed all nice, but it all comes up and there's bits underneath.

Oh, that's fine.

APPLAUSE

Erect penis, then. Erect penis. Say it loud and proud. Erect penis!

Yay!

I love that they cheered you.

Thank you for the mix. It's a pleasure. Tell me, have you ever...?

SQUEAKING What on earth was that?

What was that noise?

That's not someone's laugh. Is that someone's laugh?

It sounded like somebody had brought Sooty and Sweep in.

Is that really your laugh? Do you need a doctor, my love?

I think I'd better go and help. Yeah, I think she might have...

Are you all right? Have you swallowed a dog squeezy toy?

I think she laid an egg, actually.

Now...have you ever been flashed at?

I'd be interested to see if you just looked at it and instead of being shocked,

just went, "Oh, you need to get that seen to."

Have you ever been flashed at? My mother's been flashed at,

I haven't. My mother had the proper dirty mac kind of, you know...

the leery noise that apparently they do on Benny Hill Show.

She's had that.

She was walking home with two Tesco bags in her hands like this.

So she couldn't even have a little stroke or anything.

I don't know if that's what normally happens. Oh, is it not?

"Me hands were full, I couldn't even feel it or nowt!"

Well, that's good to know. But I haven't, no. You haven't, OK.

Have you ever had any celebrity patients?

I have, but I couldn't possibly tell you who - as you well know. Oh, OK.

What if you just whispered it into me mic?

I can tell you this. I filmed a little sketch with David Walliams.

I don't know if you saw, it was the last Comic Relief.

And he comes to see me in clinic with a little problem.

And it's me going like this and the camera pulls away

and it's David from the back, stark bollock naked.

And he really was when we filmed it.

And you have to do a number of takes for things. Of course.

Did you keep coughing through your lines? "Oh, have to do it again."

I was literally on my knees in front of David, pretend examining.

Wouldn't that be awful if you'd been filming that for Comic Relief

and actually there's really something wrong with it?

"Stop filming!"

That would be funny. Next time.

I hope I'm not in that sketch.

My legs in stirrups. Ooh!

Your book says you're TV's favourite doctor. Does it?

Isn't that a bit cocky when Dr Who is still on?

LAUGHTER

I must have written that bit. Yes, possibly.

How were you told about sex?

Did you find out from your parents, or how were you told?

I was given a book that I refused to read

cos I thought it was rude and embarrassing.

Then I went away to school and my school friends told me about sex.

Therefore, I still have no idea what goes on whatsoever!

I was told by me mam and I was nervous,

so she made me stand behind a curtain.

Then she said, "What word are you most comfortable with for the men's bits?"

Men's bits? So I said, "Dick!"

That is true.

Now, I've read your whole book. It's very good.

But there's nothing in it about sex being wrong.

No. Is this going back to Mother again?

LAUGHS Do you not think it is?

No. I quite like sex, actually. Woo! Yeah.

Don't you? Sometimes.

Sometimes I just want a bath and a book.

I love a hairy man. Right.

How hairy can a man be before he's actually a monkey?

It's a fine line, isn't it? It's that Tom Selleck thing.

Should he be in a cage or should he be allowed to walk around? Should he be in a cage?

I'd love a cage with Tom Selleck in it! That would be amazing.

You like hairy men? Yeah. Really do. Damn!

Cos it makes me feel... Oh, sorry. I shaved before I came on.

I shaved as well, but I just did me toes!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

The only bit that's showing is fine. Exactly, that's what I thought.

They're poking out there. I just did my big toe. Normally I do them all.

LAUGHTER

If you're under 25, shut up, it'll come to you as well.

Have you ever taken a picture of anybody's bits

just cos you like the colour? Like...

Like, "That's no good on a cock, but it would look lovely in me hallway."

You could have a body-coloured house. Ah! Oh!

Imagine what colour the bathroom would be.

What colour would yours be?

It'd be like a coffee colour.

Is that healthy? Is that right? I don't know, you tell me!

Well, it... Shall we move on?

Isn't coffee a good colour for your poo?

Coffee's all right. It could have been a lot worse.

Could have been a lot worse. Could have been pea green.

LAUGHTER

I've had that in the past, but I wasn't very well. No.

Did you get antibiotics? Er, I think I just rode it out. Did you?

I'm from the North, love, we don't do antibiotics.

I just wanted you to say... (GEORDIE ACCENT) ..antibiotics.

I got you to say erect penis and you want me to say "antibiotics".

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Is there anything you've never seen?

Anything you've heard of or maybe studied when you were training,

but never seen in the flesh?

There is a condition that fascinates me that I would love to see. You're going to love this!

It's called diphallia. You have two penises.

From the Greek. Wowzers! You actually really have two penises.

You have one... Mine's not this big. We'll use an arm as an example.

You have one normal one, all right? Then underneath...

One normal one(!) ..you have a little one. It's got a watch on!

That's made everyone feel inadequate.

You have one normal one then underneath you have one... Ah! ..working little one.

So the top one works and the bottom one works? They both proper work.

Amazing! I've never seen that. I've seen pictures.

Are they... I'm just going to ask the question. Go on. Are they wide enough to...

To do it? Yeah. With who?

At the same time? Oh!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The same place, or...different...

Don't know, depends... I don't know. You tell me, you're the doctor.

Are they...? They're right next to each other, so they would both go in the same place quite happily.

And are they, size-wise... Yeah.

..do they, like, make a good one?

One is fine. You'd be happy with one.

How do you know? The other one's an added extra.

Like a tickler?

Yeah.

Remember... APPLAUSE

Actually, while I've got you here... Yeah.

SARAH GIGGLING Have we got a couch?

Can I show...you something?

I've got a photo. Oh! Is that all right?

You must get this a lot. I do get it a lot, yeah.

So... Cab drivers. Yeah. Cab drivers? Yeah.

How do they get it through the little pay bit?

Oh, you can. You can.

SARAH LAUGHS

So I'll show you this. Yeah.

AUDIENCE GROANS

Let's have a look. So that's...

Oh, my God! I'm a bit worried, to be honest. What have you been up to?

That's Rash In The Attic! It looks that bad?

It looks sore, doesn't it? That's awful!

It's got little scabby bits on the bottom right.

It's got a hairy stubbly thing in it. Y-Yeah.

Flick to the next picture. It might make it a bit clearer.

APPLAUSE

SARAH CHORTLES

Does it look like I've got a stuffed crust?

I'm still not eating it, sorry. I didn't know that was an option.

Now, you always talk about healthy eating, but do you ever get in from work and just chuck, like,

an Auntie Bessie's frozen dinner in the oven...?

Oh, Yorkshire puddings. Yorkshire puddings. I like a pasty.

And I like a Yorkshire puddin'. Yeah, I do.

At the same time? Oh, no, no. That's like freezer surprise.

Do you know when you're in a station and there's always a pasty shop

and they smell amazing.

Every now and again, particularly if I've got a baseball cap and no-one knows it's me,

I'll get a pasty. Cos they judge you.

When I go to the supermarket, they look in my trolley, see what I'm buying.

And they tut. They do the same with me,

if they see I've got fruit, they do.

They just look disappointed.

They think I've let them all down. Hmm.

What's the most embarrassing bit of your body?

My bum. Your bum?

Why your bum? It's quite big. That's not a bad thing.

Have you seen my bum? Look. Let's have a look. Look.

That looks like a pretty good bum to me. That's a big bum.

You can rest bread rolls on my bum. It's quite large.

And do you? LAUGHTER

Shall we try it? If only we could.

What's your most embarrassing bit?

You didn't know I was going to ask that. No.

Er, I've already told you about my toes. That's not good enough.

You need to do a better one than that.

Really? Yeah. Vagina.

It's just too lovely. Is it?

LAUGHTER

I don't really like underneath me boobs.

What goes on under there?

Sweat.

LAUGHTER

Now, you've been a doctor for a long time. How long?

14 years, something like that.

In your professional opinion, and don't be afraid to use big words. OK.

I won't.

When you have an itchy bum, how do you scratch it without anybody seeing?

Are you sitting or standing?

I'm happy with either answer.

I mean, you know, the public are happy with either answer.

If you're sitting, I move onto one cheek.

Try it now, go onto one cheek.

And then just give it a bit of a... You see, you can do it, can't you?

But then people think you're doing a fart, don't they?

If you do that face as well.

And what about standing up? I suggest back up to a tree.

Like a bear in the woods.

Yeah, that's a good one, I like that one. Um...

Do you spot people in the street, like a model scout? Yeah.

Do you do that? A disease scout? Yeah.

"Don't be alarmed, but I'm going to make THAT a star!"

"Do us a favour, don't drain it over the weekend."

You have this conundrum where I'm on the Tube, see something

and think, "Ooh, I wonder if they know about that." SARAH GASPS

"Should I tell them?" Would you like that? It depends.

If you're doing it in a loud voice on a packed Tube or train... Probably not.

But if you went, "Come here."

Is that not even more scary? You've got such a nice face. I think that would be all right.

Would you be happy for a doctor to come up to you and go, "I've spotted that you've got this thing.

"I think it's this"? Would you be happy?

ALL: Yes.

Unanimous. The whole of them, yeah. Everybody!

Right, I will. Now everybody's all a bit nervous on the way out. Just...

Somebody standing at the door going, "You, this way."

It's going to be like X Factor.

"All the people in this room, you're going through to boot camp!

"All of you in this room, something wrong."

Thank you very much for coming on the show. You've been an absolute joy.

Ladies and gentlemen, Dr Christian Jessen.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, it's nice to know we all might get pulled aside on a train now!

Everyone's talking about reality TV, but have you noticed so many programmes are based on unreality?

Everything is fantasy and sci-fi.

It leaves me a bit cold, to be honest.

I think my boyfriend watches too much of it because he sometimes refers to people as "humans".

"I was on the bus and three humans got on."

If sci-fi has taught me anything, it's that, at some point,

all electrical devices will rise up and try to kill off the human race.

So do be careful with that vibrator.

But what a way to go, eh?

Humans are completely sexually compatible with aliens.

It's never, "I've got a knob, what have you got? Oh, a mincer."

It is much easier and quicker to learn how to use the controls of an alien spaceship than a hire car.

Dr Who never tries to fix something with his sonic screwdriver only to say, "Shit! It's a Phillips!"

LAUGHTER

I can't get away with superheroes, either.

I'd be a rubbish one. I'm too chatty to be a superhero.

I can't keep anything quiet.

I'd be, like, "Guess what, Twitter! I can fly, but kryptonite destroys me."

My trouble is that I add reality to it.

Being a vampire must be a pain in the arse, having to get blood all the time.

My nearest Tesco Metro is ten minutes away and it doesn't even have mangos out of season!

Zombies - how would you know when they don't just want a cuddle?

"Come here. Come here, you hollowed-eyed beauty."

Have you seen True Blood?

It's a mature vampire drama, apparently.

It's not only the necks they're sucking.

In that show, the vampires live alongside humans and get

blood substitute to live on - I Can't Believe It's Not Blood.

Then there's the ultimate sci-fi show, Dr Who.

I saw in the news that they're going to bring back old police boxes.

How confusing for kids who don't know that they're not TARDISs.

Are they going to end up like old phone boxes, smelling of piss

with prostitutes' business cards?

"I'm bigger on the inside, too!"

There's a lot to take in watching sci-fi and fantasy programmes.

My boyfriend can remember all the bizarre character names in the shows he watches.

Such as Daenerys Targaryen in Game Of Thrones.

Yet whenever we go round his friend's house I have to go, "His wife's name is Catherine."

Four years we've known them.

I asked what it was about and he said, "It's a story about a woman with three dragons."

I thought, "What? Hilary Devey?"

I now know that character's full name is Daenerys Stormborn of House Targaryen,

Queen of the Andals and the First Men, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea,

Breaker of Chains and Mother of Dragons.

But she's also known as Dany for short.

Everyone in Game of Thrones has names like that.

If I was a character in it, I'd be Sarah Millican, Mother of Kittens...

Enjoyer of Long Baths and Vanquisher of Biscuits.

If Dany Targaryen is a queen and has three dragons,

does that mean somewhere there's another queen called Kylie Targaryen who's loads better?

The books have maps in the front. As far as I'm concerned,

the only book I'll ever read that has a map in the front is an atlas.

And I've got an audio version of that anyway - a satnav.

Shows like Game Of Thrones are called fantasy.

My fantasy telly would be Phillip Schofield presenting The Great British Bake Off...

naked...

..and his cats.

LAUGHTER

If you haven't seen Game Of Thrones, everyone's medieval

and you never know if they're going to fight or have sex.

Basically, Geordie Shore with capes.

When I heard of it, I thought it was a quiz show like Wheel Of Fortune.

Game Of Thrones! I expected to see Bradley Walsh telling a contestant,

"You've landed on a penalty square.

"Do you want to commit incest with your sister or behead your dad?"

There's so much intrigue. You look at all of them and have no idea who's in charge.

A bit like being in New Look.

And don't get me started on dragons! A sentence I never expected to say.

My fella said, "Did you know that a new-born dragon is only the size of our cat?"

No, I didn't know that - cos they don't exist.

There's only one way to understand the show and that's to meet the people in it.

So, from Game Of Thrones, please welcome Finn Jones, John Bradley and Kristian Nairn,

also known as Ser Loras, Samwell and Hodor.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, hello, hello. Hello. Hello, boys.

You all look lovely. This is just day wear, is it? Yeah.

You look smashing. I have watched Game Of Thrones. Not all of it.

I've watched a good five or six episodes and I've got one question. Right.

What the fuck is going on? ALL LAUGH

Can any of you sum it up like that, in a couple of sentences?

Oh, boobs. Lots of boobs. Lots of boobs? Yeah. OK.

Death. Boobs and death!

LAUGHS

Taking it up a level, I think it's mainly about dysfunctional family relationships.

Just to counteract the boobs and death.

So, boobs, death and Jeremy Kyle?

LAUGHTER That's enough.

Who are the goodies and who are the baddies? It's hard to say.

That's the problem people have.

The baddies and the goodies aren't clearly defined.

Are you all goodies or baddies? I think I'm a goody.

I'm a goody. I'm certainly a goody. We're all goodies!

You don't know who are goodies or baddies, but you're determined to be goodies?

Kristian, your character only ever says, "Hodor". Yes.

So they've assumed that's his name. It's not really his name.

His real name is Walder. Oh, yeah. It's a mystery why he is a bit brain-damaged.

But that's putting it mildly. He can only say one word.

Which is great for learning lines! You must have to put a lot of effort in and a lot of emotion.

Tremendous amount of effort. A happy "hodor" or a sad "hodor"?

Or a sexually frustrated "hodor".

That's 99%. That's 99% of them?

Boobs and death. That's what it's all about.

Hodor is a giant. Yes. How did you get the part?

Well...

Oh. Like that. APPLAUSE

Can I stand beside you?

Wow!

I feel so tiny and feminine...

for the first time ever.

So I think you play the heart-throb.

One of, yes. One of the heart-throbs.

Do women throw their chastity belts at you? I mean, sometimes.

Check out these armour abs! Are you the same underneath?

Yeah!

No, definitely not!

I like the sound of this. I'd like to be in Game Of Thrones.

And because it's MY telly programme, I can do just that.

Hold on a minute.

MUSIC: Theme to Game Of Thrones

Our enemies gather strength, Samwell. We are but three.

They are but many.

'Tis true. Who will aid us now in our hour of darkness?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It is the beautiful, if not stockier than I remember,

Mother of Dragons.

Carry on, pet, you'll not make it past series four.

I am Ser Loras, Knight of the Flowers.

Ooh, hello, flower.

And I am Samwell Tarly of the Night's Watch.

Hang on, pet, cos I'm only up to book two.

But I know who you are. You're Hagrid.

Hodor.

Anyway, I am Sarah... of the House of...

Canesten...

APPLAUSE

..bearer of the burning and the itching...

..come to your aid with my mighty fire-breathing dragon.

ROARING

Dragon...

breathe your fiery breath.

Oh, shit, he's gone out again.

All right, we spent all the money on the wig, right?

We are doomed, but we will not depart this realm without a fight.

To arms! To arms!

We've all got two arms, pet.

What's your point? This is my point!

Ooh! My sword...Warhammer.

Ooh! And this, MY sword, Steeltongue. Ooh!

Oh! Well, while we're all doing it!

These are my trusty blades...

Kitchen Devils!

APPLAUSE

We three shall prevail over our foes with the steel in our hearts.

We shall triumph and ascend to the Iron Throne.

This is so exciting!

Oh, shit!

Shit!

I forgot I was holding them. Oh, shit!

Hodor never liked them, anyway. Oh, don't start talking, flower.

I liked you better the way you were.

So, are you all in proportion?

APPLAUSE

Thanks so much for coming on the show.

Ladies and gentlemen, John, Finn and Kristian from Game Of Thrones.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Unfortunately, we didn't have time to talk about The Walking Dead,

or as it's more commonly known, the Antiques Roadshow.

We didn't talk about 24 Hours In A,

which is basically a normal waiting time.

I couldn't talk about Doctors. I haven't seen it.

I can't get past the receptionist.

The documentary Will My Crash Diet Kill Me?

Yes, love. Have a bun.

Or those shows where they travel back to a time when it was OK to be sexist and racist -

Life On Mars, Ashes To Ashes, Top Gear.

Good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd