Episode 5 The Sarah Millican Slightly Longer Television Programme

This programme contains some strong language

Hello, and welcome to The Sarah Millican Television Programme!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It seems to me that lots of people are a bit snobby about watching the cable channels.

But they're well worth flicking through.

I've noticed a lot of the shows have "extreme" in the title.

Extreme Couponing.

What's the extreme bit? Is Dad using the chainsaw to cut out the coupons?

While a tiny child holds the magazine?

Extreme Furniture.

That would just be me getting on a bar stool!

Trying to keep the conversation going while doing the "hup" noise!

And there's Laid Bare, a behind-the-scenes look at the porn industry.

Behind-the-scenes?

What, are they putting their clothes on?

Just eating sandwiches.

I wish the Dog Whisperer was just a man leaning into a Yorkshire Terrier

going, "Your breath stinks."

Then there's It's Me Or The Dog,

where people decide who did the turd on the kitchen floor!

It's me or the dog!

Someone's been eating out of the bin during the night.

It's me or the dog.

Yeah, it was me.

You know, times are tough. The economy is struggling. Lots of people are short of money.

But, as ever, TV is there to help us out.

Shows like SuperScrimpers are great.

Here are some money-saving tips that I've learnt.

Don't buy the SuperScrimpers book. Just get it out the library!

Don't buy Christmas presents for elderly relatives too early.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Clean your windows with vinegar.

That way, your kitchen smells of chips!

Wondering what to do with all of that unused Windolene?

Pop it on your chips.

Use your dad's pants as dusters, but not while he's still wearing them.

If anything, it makes it more smeary!

Make your own hair removal wax by melting sugar with water and lemon juice.

I did that and it all went wrong.

Now I've got a caramel bikini line!

But the boys seem to like it!

And so do the wasps.

Some of the money-saving tips are bloody rubbish, though.

"Don't spend money on expensive gym memberships."

That's it.

Just don't!

"Save money on cotton wool. Use small pieces of cut-up tights to remove nail varnish."

But then you'll have to buy new tights!

Save money on tights by sticking cotton wool to your legs.

"Don't buy deodorisers for your shoes. Put cat litter in them overnight."

But then your cat will have a shit in them!

Mind, that smell of cheese is almost gone!

"Save money on pets. Make friends with a dog owner and walk their dog."

Save money on a partner. Have sex with your friend's husband.

Have you noticed how all economic terms sound like something else?

Quantative easing. Is that like an economic Rennie?

Sounds more like a big dump.

"Just nipping off for some quantative easing. Anyone seen Heat magazine?"

Inflation - is that like bloating?

So is deflation a bucket of Activia and a good fart?

Apparently, the banks have demanded an injection of liquidity. Dirty buggers!

One thing I do understand is pie charts.

That's what I call the menus in Greggs.

Now, we all need help understanding this stuff,

and who better to give us that help

than TV's money-saving expert Martin Lewis?

Hello, Martin. Thank you very much for joining us.

Now, do you actually spend anything, or are you just a tight-arse?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I have spent a penny, on occasion, if that counts!

GROANING

Is any of the shampoo in your house not nicked from a hotel?

The thing is, what you do with that is you get...

That's a no, then!

It's an implied freebie when you go into a hotel.

There's nothing wrong with taking them. Stealing the towels and dressing gown is difficult!

But the shampoo is there to be used. You said "difficult"! You didn't say it was different!

Take me away now!

Have you got loads of the little sachets of sugar in your house from cafes?

That's slightly different,

because then you're only meant to take one or two.

You're not meant to take the whole lot,

so I'm not sure you would get the same implied consent of taking it.

They don't know if you're not the sort of person who has four sugars,

so you could just take three and put one in your tea.

Couldn't you? I like the way you think.

Do you want to come work for me?

No.

I don't pay very well.

One of your tips is you say, "Take a sponge into the shower,"

cos it saves soap, doesn't it?

Does it have to be a sponge, or could a Swiss roll do the job?

It's not actually one of my tips, but I like it anyway.

It would be dual purpose. You know, you'd enjoy it.

Exactly. You'd have a bite first before you start under your armpits!

Do you love an all-you-can-eat buffet, though?

I do. I do. I'm not allowed often, but I go in there,

and the thing about an all-you-can-eat buffet is

you have to do it actually

as a practical experiment of how you're going to get the maximum in.

People make terrible mistakes.

They fill the plate up with stuff they don't want.

You go in first, you take your first plate,

and you do a small trial of each of the different goods out there.

You make sure you understand how much they would cost

if you were buying them elsewhere, and then you go back again

and you maximise your plate, finding out which is going to

give you the best value when you're sitting in there.

You eat as much as you can just before the point that you're sick,

Sarah - just BEFORE the point, right -

and then you've got it all in there, and if you've deep pockets...

What's your thermostat set at at home?

Um... Four jumpers and a big blanket!

Really? Do you wear jumpers in the house? Do you know what number it's on?

It doesn't work. It's set as a temperature. It's a bit accurate.

I think, since you ask the question, it's at 68 degrees Fahrenheit

and it's turned off as soon as possible after the winter ends.

I'd like to be anything more, but I've got a little baby and she's more important than saving money!

Aw!

Hasn't she got any jumpers?

Do you haggle with your wife?

Like, "I'll take the bins out if you touch it."

Why would she want to touch the bins?

Well, if that's what you call it at home...

When you give your wife flowers, are they usually wreaths you've found on the side of the road?

You ask that - I was so proud the other week

cos there was a lovely bunch of flowers reduced to 20p in the supermarket.

And normally, when you buy flowers, you take the price off

but I was so proud of the bargain, I left it on, just to show her!

It's true! And what did she say?

She was delighted. She's tighter than I am!

Even after having a baby?

You mentioned that you have a baby. Congratulations.

I'm surprised you didn't have twins, though.

Did they not have a BOGOF on babies at the time?

But you did get a good return on your deposit, which is nice(!)

Um, did you give... Oh, no, I don't know if I can do that!

Don't do it. Whatever it was, don't do it!

Did you give your wife an injection of liquidity?

No, but I've got a great endowment!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Now, did you know that you were the UK's second most searched person in 2010?

Do you just look a bit suspicious? Is that what it is?

I was the most searched person in 2009.

I've been in quite a few years - the second most in 2010.

And I think I'm right to say that the person who beat me that year

was Cheryl Cole, and I think the thing is,

when people search me it's obviously because they want to see my tips,

and with Cheryl...

One of your money-saving tips is to buy cheap cola and flush it down the toilet.

Is that to clean it, or just cos it's horrible?

It does, it does a really good clean.

Bicarbonate of soda and white vinegar are really good.

But I have to admit, there are some things that I say which I admit even I don't do myself.

If you're on a water meter,

there's the old phrase, "If it's yellow, let it mellow,

"if it's brown, flush it down."

I have to say I draw the line a bit above that one.

I flush. I press the little flush, not the big flush.

Don't press the big flush if it's just a bit of yellow.

You press the little flush.

The thing with my diet, sometimes I need to do the two and then a bucket of water.

You can break it up with a stick. That helps as well.

Do you ever make economic mistakes?

Like, do you ever... Not being paid enough to come on this show!

You're not being paid at all, are you, love? Exactly!

If you could only give us one money-saving tip, what would it be?

If you give people two DVD players and one cost ?150 and one cost ?50,

you ask them which one's better, they say the ?150 one.

But often there's not much in it. It's called retail snobbery.

We think because it costs more, it must be better,

and that's the way stores try and get too much money off us.

Judge it on the product, not on the price. And that's why we didn't pay you that much.

If you think you can get your money's worth!

If you were Chancellor of the Exchequer, what would you do?

Resign!

Thank you very much, Martin. You've been a brilliant guest. Ladies and gentlemen, Martin Lewis!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So I've listened to his advice, but there must be an easier way of making money. There must be.

Ah!

Let's have a go at this.

Pizza, pizza, pizza! Hooray!

I had a horrible feeling there was going to be fruit coming out. Thank God that didn't happen!

Have some BBC money. There you go, flower!

It's more than Martin got paid, but...

Have you noticed there are so many history programmes on TV at the moment?

Everything I've learned about history, I've got from Blackadder!

I told Blackadder's writer Richard Curtis, and he was both thrilled and appalled.

I take most history with a pinch of salt,

especially the history of tequila!

AUDIENCE CHEERS

We didn't do history at school. We just did humanities.

So we just coloured in Romans for four years!

The only thing I know is that the Romans wore pink outfits.

We didn't do World War II at school.

But I heard about it from my granddad.

I wasn't sure if I'd follow it, cos I hadn't seen World War I.

But I do know a few things.

The Romantic era was when Spandau Ballet were top of the hit parade.

The Great Depression lasted from 1929 to World War II

because that's when everyone cheered up!

"Something's happening now!"

Stockings, chocolate and GI blow-jobs!

One of my friends watches a ridiculous amount of Hitler programmes.

They're always on the history channels.

Surely they've covered all angles now,

though I've never seen Hitler Says The Funniest Things.

I saw in the listings that a show called Secrets Of World War II

was on at 6.45am.

I thought, "Put it on at that time and they'll stay secret!"

It's not just the history programmes that have ancient artefacts on.

The other day on Top Gear, I saw some opinions from the 1970s.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I love Who Do You Think You Are? Bloody love it.

But every time it comes on, I'm disappointed that the theme tune

isn't, "Swing it, shake it, move it, make it!"

By Series 25, it'll be called Who The Fuck Is That?

The Australian version of Who Do You Think You Are? is called What Do You Think You Did?

I've actually been on Who Do You Think You Are? They don't tell you where you're going beforehand.

I had to have "cold weather training".

My boyfriend said, "That'll be for the bit when you go back to South Shields"!

When we were filming at my parents' house, the crew needed us to be quiet

while they recorded the sound of the room.

The sound man said, "Recording at Sarah's parents' house, in the back room."

My dad leaned right into the microphone and said,

"Dining room."

I still feel a bit bad for not knowing much about history,

so to explain it all to me, please welcome TV historian Dan Cruickshank.

Hello!

Hello, Sarah.

Hello, Dan, welcome to the show. Thank you very much for coming.

Can we go back to ancient times? You can try. Thank you. Thank you.

Before the Iron Age, was everything just really creased?

Well, very bent. Very bent and wobbly, I'm sure.

Bent and wobbly.

What is oral history? I've heard that happens to most couples, after a while.

Explain.

I'm not going to explain that to you!

I'm certainly not going to explain it you. Not now, anyway!

Not now. We'll do that... Well, not do it... It's...

As part of your series The Art of Dying,

you asked the BBC Obituary Department if you could read your own obituary.

Did it have a date on it?

I didn't ask for that. Oh! They just gave you it?!

You know what television's like. Hmm, I do.

You do. It's pretty ghastly.

And, um... I'm having a lovely time, just so you know.

Apart from this evening. It wasn't my idea, but the producer decided to have my obituary written.

It was disappointing. It was short.

But he told me... He told me...

I'd reached a reasonable average level. I don't know, a page and a bit.

I've written mine, so tell us what you think of this.

"Here lies Sarah Millican. She finally finished all the biscuits.

"She's buried with her cats.

"They're not happy.

"But at least they won't be hungry for a bit.

"She bought a double plot, so can you let Phillip Schofield know, please."

What historical figures would you have for dinner?

Oh, now, this would be to entertain?

I don't mean like you would eat them.

Good for you. All the fat ones!

Have over for dinner.

I live in Spitalfields in east London.

And there's a notorious character there -

now dead, thank goodness, we suppose -

Jack the Ripper. Oh.

I suppose I would rather like to have this mysterious character at my dining table

to question him.

You'd want a few others as well, cos that would just be awkward, if it was just you and him!

He may not reveal his secrets!

Cos you had a thought that Jack the Ripper may have lived in your house, is that correct?

He had a sense of humour. Wicked sense of humour.

He wanted to torment and tease the police force.

And my house is just a few doors down from the police station.

And then I thought, "He'd probably lodge in the area, wouldn't he?"

And my house would have been a perfect place.

It was a cheap lodging house at the time.

So you've come to this in quite an intelligent way.

I just thought maybe you were still getting his post!

That's it!

You are an expert on the sex industry in 18th-century London, are you not?

Weirdly enough, I am. I'm sorry, but there we go. Academic research.

Don't apologise, it's smashing. Well, it's great to be an expert on something, yeah.

And you believe that one in five women were prostitutes in London then?

The calculations made at the time

and, indeed, various figures one can put together,

suggests that that's the case.

And therefore... One in five! One in five.

I think that's what my mam thinks London's like now, though.

One in five! Possibly more.

Was the Ming Dynasty just full of ugly people?

Because it does sound like a really ugly soap opera, doesn't it?

Now, which other car parks have got kings in?

That was a brilliant story, wasn't it? It was such a good story!

I understand the fact that he was found in a car park,

because I've lost my car in a car park and wandered round and gone,

"I think I'm going to die in here!"

So I totally get it. I totally get it.

If you could go back to any time in history, when and where would it be?

Well, it would have to be the 18th century, I suppose.

That would be fantastic, just to walk the streets of London

in the mid 18th century, looking and observing.

Just counting all the prostitutes.

One, two, three, four, definitely.

One, two, three, four, yes.

Does it annoy you when people say, "And the rest is history."

Because you're like, "Come on, that's the bit that's great!"

Everything is history, isn't it? Everything is history.

This is history now, thank goodness!

Living history. Harsh!

All history is something that happened yesterday, or even a few minutes ago.

Things we can reflect on and learn lessons from.

So the bit where I nearly had to describe to you what oral sex was -

that's history? It's now blessedly history!

But... I like that bit of history.

You've been such an interesting guest. Thanks for coming on the show.

Ladies and gentlemen, Dan Cruickshank.

That's history sorted!

Let's get back to proper telly!

Those structured reality shows are as popular as ever, aren't they?

The Only Way Is Essex, The Valleys, Geordie Shore.

Or as I like to call them, regional idiot shows.

What's next? Ipswich Has Imbeciles?

Dipshits Of Devon?

Cornwall Has...

There are three types of people who watch TOWIE.

People who watch ironically,

people who want to have that lifestyle,

and people who've lost their remote control.

If I wanted to find out inane nonsense about people I don't know or care about,

I'd phone me mam!

The men on TOWIE are so obsessed with their appearance.

I don't know blokes like that.

I don't know any blokes who own a full-length mirror.

All the men I know just check for bogeys when they're in the car.

I can't believe that Joey Essex is his real name.

Surely they just gave him that surname

so he'd know what to say to a taxi driver to get him home.

TOWIE gave the world the "vajazzle".

Why call it that? Why not "glunt" or "sequim"?

In TOWIE, you can always tell when your fella's having an affair,

cos he comes back from a night out with a glittery mouth!

They even had anal bleaching!

They say you can't polish a turd, but you can give it a big entrance!

I do love watching Geordie Shore,

but I sometimes think I might have caught something off them

through the telly. There's so much yeast in that house,

people driving past must think they're near a brewery.

I watched an episode of The Valleys the other day

as they demonstrated tea-bagging.

My boyfriend suggested it once,

but changed his mind when he heard the kettle boil.

Surely it's only a matter of time till one of them says,

"Prestatyn! As far as it'll go."

The big reality show from the States is Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

Kim Kardashian became famous as the result of a sex tape,

or as we call it in our tape, gaffer tape.

She's described as a socialite, which comes from two words -

"sociable" and "parasite".

Like a pissed fly.

She has a fashion boutique called DASH.

I dread to think what her underwear range is called.

But my favourite reality show is Made In Chelsea,

as that's the one that's closest to my lifestyle.

A non-stop round of partying, modelling and fashion blogging.

Sniff me leggings. I can get another day out of them!

One of the blokes is the VIP host for a celebrity hang-out.

Talk about made-up job titles!

He might as well be a unicorn trainer!

Most of the women in Made In Chelsea are "ladies who lunch".

I don't see what's so impressive about that!

I lunch, breakfast, brunch, dinner and tea!

Don't take me on, ladies!

One of them is called Binky.

She sounds like she's been named by a xylophone!

Along with her brother, Plinky-Plonk.

They seem to just keep the nicknames they had at school!

If I did that, I'd be called Norma No-Mates!

I'd like to know more about the world of Made In Chelsea,

because I think I'd fit right in.

So to tell me all about it, please welcome a former star of the show, Gabriella Ellis.

Hello, Gabriella. Hello. Welcome to the show. Thanks very much for coming.

Just how posh are you?

Like, do you make common boyfriends use the tradesmen's entrance?

Um, posh?

We live in Chelsea,

so we get branded as really posh,

but I'm the same as everyone else, I like to think.

And you had to make a difficult choice to leave. I did, yes.

Was that because of the bedroom tax, or...

It must have been hard. Was it hard? It was very difficult, actually.

I didn't tell anyone that I was leaving.

So the last scene that you see, when I walk in the room and say I'm leaving, everyone burst into tears.

It was two years of my life. It was a big, big part.

That's nice that they burst into tears. It was.

If they'd just went, "Bye!"

See you!

You're a bit of a role model, aren't you?

Nowadays, a lot of kids want rich parents, don't they?

Have you ever wanted to visit the North and see how the other half live?

Like Camden, for example?

I've been to Camden! You've been to Camden?! I've been to Camden, yes.

Is this the furthest north you've been, Salford?

I've been to Sunderland. Wow! Is that further? Why? Cos...

What's your favourite Pot Noodle flavour?

Er... Do you not even know what a Pot Noodle is?!

I know what a Pot Noodle is, don't worry. You've seen the adverts.

I've seen the adverts, yeah. Um...

Just say chicken. Chicken. Chicken and sweetcorn?

I feel like that's going to be there. No? That sounds a bit fancy!

Is music your biggest love? It is.

It's not still Ollie?

It's not Ollie, no. Ollie and I are best friends now.

Oh, that's lovely. That's really nice. I was with them all last night.

You say that even though Ollie is gay,

he still knows how to satisfy a woman.

He... Was he just good at ironing?

It's enough! Sometimes it's enough.

Do you know what? He IS good at ironing.

Do the Chelsea girls go in for the vajazzling as well?

Like TOWIE and the lady garden area?

But is it like posher where you've got somebody in, like,

you've got your own lady gardener.

To look after, you know, to trim your box hedging.

We're not really into our vajazzles.

We like to just, you know, keep it clean.

Keep it clean's good! Keep it clean.

I think I could fit in.

I think you could. In that show. I really do.

I do need a little bit of help with this area!

With the...? With the accent.

Because at the moment I do sound a lot like I could work in any call centre, don't I?

"Hello, you're through to Orange. I understand you're thinking of leaving." See?

So what I think I need is a highly trained vocal coach.

Please welcome Samantha Mesagno.

Hello. Hello.

Thanks for coming on, pet. My pleasure.

Are you going to teach me to talk all dead posh and that,

like Gabriella? I'll do my best. Yeah? Yes.

OK. How the hell are we going to do that?

First of all, I'd like you to stand up for me

because I think what we'll do first is a bit of centring and rooting work.

SARAH GIGGLES

This is going to help to give you confidence when you're doing the audition.

I do feel confident when I've had a good rooting. I do.

Perfect. What I'd like you to do is stand with your feet hip-width apart

and place your hands on... Hip-width?!

And place your hands on your belly for me.

Which belly?

Do you want the one in my knickers or the one that's just over the top?

Just around your belly button area.

Belly button. That bit there?

Absolutely. When we're starting to do this exercise,

I want you to think about your inner bear,

because that's what's going to give you the confidence, all right?

So... Hold on!

My inner... Your inner bear.

Like, grrr! Like... Absolutely.

I was going to say, there's not much bare down there.

So...

Right, inner... Grrr!

Absolutely. Inner bear. So how this is going to go is

I'm going to give you a double bounce of sound

and you're going to repeat it.

OK. Then I'll do another double bounce of sound and you repeat it.

We're going to work on the lovely RP vowels when we do this, all right?

OK. Stop laughing, you!

Hands on the belly. Focus on that centre, and...

Huh-huh!

Give it a try. Huh-huh! Lovely.

Hi-hi! Hi-hi.

Ho-ho. Ho-ho.

I feel like Santa, now! There you go. Ho-ho-ho!

Ho-ho-ho-ho!

You're doing very well. Thanks.

The next thing we're going to work on now is something called oral posture.

Oh, that's down on me knees?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

No? Oral posture is...

Cos if you're in the car, you just lean over.

That's when we're looking at what the lips, teeth, tongue and jaw are doing

and primarily we're going to be focusing on the jaws. Teeth? Teeth?!

I'm almost certain you're not supposed to use teeth.

Just a little bit, like...

That's all right. Looking at the jaw for this one.

So with RP, what we're after is a lovely released jaw.

That means there'll be more space in the mouth, in the oral cavity.

Absolutely. So there's lots more room for those lovely RP vowels to bounce around.

There's lots of room in there!

So, you're going to love this.

I'd like you to place your hands together.

Brilliant. I want you to adopt a dropped-jaw position, which is "uh".

Absolutely. LAUGHTER

Shut up! And what I'd like you to do...

What I'd like you to do is, we're going to shake our hands forward and backwards really quickly.

I promise there is a purpose to this!

That's what he always says!

He's just tense, apparently.

The head should stay beautifully still,

the jaws should be lovely and released.

And we're going to be doing it on an "ah" sound.

Do an "ah" sound. So you can watch me, if you like, first of all,

and then... I'd like to. All right.

Ahhhhh!

Now your turn.

Ready? Yeah. And...

TOGETHER: Ahhhhh!

Very well done. It's a really small one!

Aw!

Look. Aw!

That's brilliant for loosening the jaw,

because I can see that yours... Actually, it might not be that tight. Moving on.

The next... The next thing I really want us to look at

is the vowel changes. I'm moving on to the major, major RP vowel sounds.

The first one that I'd like you to consider is the "oh" sound.

Found in the words like "don't" and "know". Say that for me.

GEORDIE ACCENT: Don't. Know.

That's how I say it. Don't and know. So give me the "oh" sound.

Oh! Much better!

Incorporate that now...

Oh. Don't. Don't. Know. Know.

Much better! Well done! POSH: Don't know.

And last but not least, the other really important vowel is the long vowel sound "ah"

moving from its short position, potentially with your accent,

so if you were saying words like "laugh" and "bath" and "grass",

they would be lengthened with a long "ah" sound

to "barrth", "laurrgh", "grarrss".

Give it a go for me.

POSH VOICE: Laugh. Good.

Bath. Lovely.

Grass. Very good!

APPLAUSE

How we would complete that is to do a get-in line,

so it's a practice sentence,

so incorporating those vowels we've worked on,

a possible practice sentence might be, "I don't know if I want a bath."

But I always know.

I just want to go...

GEORDIE: I don't know if I want a bath.

It's not even any words, it's just...bluhr!

DEEP, POSH VOICE: I don't know if I want a bath.

APPLAUSE

I think I've got it. I really do.

I just need to accessorise. Bear with us a second.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Why don't you say this and have a conversation with Gabriella?

Oh, God! OK.

OK. Let's do this.

POSH VOICE: "So anyway, like...

"..I'm having drinkies with Binky and Cheska

"when who should so turn up but Millie?

"And, like, she's so up in my grill.

"And she's like, 'Way,' and I'm like, 'No way.'

"So I totally throw my glass of pop in her face.

"Only Cava. Totally worth it.

"Anyway, j'adore Chelsea. Don't you think, Gabs?"

GEORDIE ACCENT: I divvent know what you were talking about, pet!

Thank you very much for coming on the show.

Ladies and gentlemen, Gabriella Ellis and Samantha Mesagno.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

DEEP, POSH VOICE: That's it for tonight.

Unfortunately, we didn't have time to talk about the BBC's economics editor Stephanie Flanders,

whose radio show is called Stephanomics.

It's a shame she doesn't do it on the telly.

She could show statistics on a "Stephy graph".

Business news, which is what we call it at home when the cat's, like, totally shat where he shouldn't.

And we didn't have time to talk about the rest of history.

Apparently, there's, like, fucking loads of it.

Ciao!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd