Episode 6 The Sarah Millican Slightly Longer Television Programme

This programme contains some strong language

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello and welcome to the Sarah Millican Television Programme.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, I've got a confession - I love Gok Wan.

I love what he's done for women.

How early in life did he develop the instinct he has with us, though?

Did he turn around to the nurse in the delivery room and say,

"Honey, it should be me slapping your arse for hiding away those curves."

LAUGHTER

A lot of what he does revolves around encouraging women to get their tits out.

There's a fine line between fashion advice and a football chant.

I love watching The Apprentice and I especially like the episode

where he gives them a list of things to procure.

It's like a treasure hunt, isn't it?

I often wonder if that's just Lord Sugar's shopping list.

"You need to get a mauve pashmina, some perfume and a nightie

"for a woman who is about this big."

I spotted a show in the paper called Virgin Diaries.

What's that like?

No entries this month.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Do you know what I've noticed,

and I can say this on the BBC,

we don't really watch adverts any more, do we?

The last advert I watched was for my Sky Plus box and that one worked(!)

Do you do what I do, and pause a programme at the beginning,

while you have a wee and get the Quality Street out?

LAUGHTER

And then, when they say, "We'll be back after the break",

you can go, "No, you bloody won't."

Women's adverts always have a group of four, one of whom is laughing so hard she might piss out a kidney.

They're trying to make it like Sex And The City,

apart from the fact that they're talking about laxatives and feminine hygiene.

When I'm with my friends, I don't think I've ever said,

"I feel a bit bloated."

But I have said, "Sorry, I've just done a bloody big fart."

LAUGHTER

It's hard to escape adverts on the internet, though. They're everywhere.

What's this cookie thing?

I don't think I could be any more accepting of cookies,

but the deliveries never come.

Some adverts stay with you for years.

Impulse - remember that?

Men DO act on impulse, but it's not always a good thing.

A carrier bag full of Peperami - that's a man acting on impulse.

Advert jingles take up space in your head that could be used for more important stuff.

You still can't remember your nan's birthday, but for 30 years

you've kept # Ho-ho-ho, Green Giant! # in there.

Is that all that'll be left at the end?

What's your name?

Maybe it's Maybelline.

LAUGHTER

Adverts get a bit special at Christmas, don't they?

The John Lewis one has a bloody premiere.

In last year's, a snowman bought gloves for his wife,

as she was cold.

He killed his last wife, when he bought her a hot-water bottle.

Do you remember public safety adverts?

Remember The Tufty Club? It had a squirrel helping you across the road.

I'd take that from a squirrel,

cos I've never seen one squashed in the road(!)

I wouldn't take it from a badger or a pheasant, though.

"Look left, look right and walk slowly across a really busy road.

"And if a car comes, stop in the middle of the road

"and look at the car till everything goes black.

"Good luck, out there!"

The only place you see advertising on the BBC is on Formula 1.

It's always big brands on the cars, isn't it?

You never see offers for two-for-one on pork steaks.

Or ladies free before 11 o'clock.

Formula 1 is not so much a sport,

it's more of a sound effect, isn't it?

Obviously not as good as this one...

SHE MIMICS A COMICAL HORN

SHE MIMICS A COMICAL HORN

The cars are incredible, though. Some of them can reach over 100mph

before I've even GOT to the remote.

It's very loud as well, isn't it?

Must be really hard to hear the sat-nav.

"Round again.

"Round again.

"Last one."

It must be difficult driving round the Monaco street circuit.

I'd just get distracted... "Oh, Bonmarche have got a sale on."

I do know how traffic lights work. If it stays on red too long,

I end up looking for something to eat in me handbag.

The someone beeps at me and that's how I know it's gone green.

I think the reason there are no female Formula 1 drivers

is that when they screeched into the pits,

the mechanics wouldn't be able to stop themselves overcharging.

"Yeah, your tyres are all right there, love, but, er,

"that gearbox doesn't sound too good.

"I'll have a look, if you've got half an hour spare."

They drive at around 200mph.

Try steering at that speed with your legs, while opening a sandwich,

and balancing your Monster Munch in-between your knees.

If that was Formula 1, I'd be Sebastian Vettel.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

It is a male-dominated sport, but one woman who has managed

to get herself involved is the presenter of Formula 1 on the BBC.

Please welcome Suzi Perry.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Welcome. Thank you very much.

Welcome to the show. Thanks ever so much for coming on. Nice to be here.

Now, given the many regulations, weight changes and enhancement of the McLaren power package,

why does Jenson Button look like such a knob on the Santander adverts?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

He's very handsome. It's hard to make him look like a knob. Done a good job, haven't they?

They have managed, though, haven't they? Bless him for trying.

If Max Mosley invited you to a party, what would you go as?

I'm actually thinking of that. What would you go as?

Cat's ears, PVC, a lead, leash.

A normal Tuesday outfit.

LAUGHTER

Do you get to drive the...?

When they've stopped, do you get to have a little go?

No, sadly not. Would you like to? I'd love to. Would you like to?

How fast can I go? Can I go...? Sometimes I do, like, 72.

They don't have a middle lane on a track.

Oh, really? Well, where am I supposed to go?

LAUGHTER

I mean, it's all very well doing what they do in a flashy car,

but could they do that in, like, a Nissan Micra, do you think,

you know, with their family in the back seat?

They can drive anything. Like a bus?

That's a really good idea. Let's have a bus driving championship.

That'd be amazing. You'd be more into that.

I would. Can I sit above the driver, cos that's the best seat,

cos you can pretend you're driving? When you say above the driver...?

Not like... So he can see, at least, while he's driving? Not...? No!

I don't mean you sit on the driver's face.

LAUGHTER

He'd be driving, doing that erratic thing

that men do when they get excited driving. They keep braking.

Apparently.

LAUGHTER

That's... That's never happened to me.

It's happened to you? You've seen that, have you?

I've...heard about that, yeah.

You dirty bitch.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Formula 1, I've heard the drivers wee in the car.

Do they just do it on the seats? Cos I've done that?

I really have.

So they don't ever do it in the car? I'm not saying they don't ever.

They might do it in the car.

Do they just let it go? I think they just do it in their suits.

Has it got elastic on the ankles?

Otherwise, you'll have to change that little bit of carpet.

You always hear the conversations between the pit and the drivers.

Are they allowed personal calls, as well?

Like, "Hello, love. Sorry, I can't pop to Asda. I'm busy."

I think they would like it if you called in.

Oh, really, do you think? About lap 35,

maybe text a picture of yourself.

LAUGHTER

I have usually got a few of those just in me roll of photos.

Just spare ones. I've always got a couple of spare.

The thing is, if you've already taken photos in advance,

it could have been when it was tidy, you know.

LAUGHTER

If somebody says, "Oh, send us a picture of your..."

What, of downstairs?

Yeah, and then... I thought that's what you were talking about.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

What if you lose the phone?

They're not going to recognise us off that.

I hope not.

Is it as noisy as it seems?

More. It's more noisy? It's very noisy.

You can't go to a Formula 1 race without having ear defenders on

or... Really?

Sometimes when you've got those on, you forget other people can hear you.

Do you do that? I've done that on a plane when I've had those on

and then I've just been merrily farting away,

because I couldn't hear it.

I spent quite a lot of time on a plane and always seem to sit behind

people, maybe they're like you, that seem to fart away

and I think, "You dirty bastard!

"How can you do that?!"

Practise, practise, practise!

You've been such an amazing guest. Thank you very much

for coming on the show. Ladies and gentlemen, Suzi Perry.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Another one of my favourite shows is MasterChef.

It's like X Factor for dinners.

I just like to watch the early auditions,

cos that's when you see the nutters.

"Beef and ice-cream.

"I'm not allowed to use knives, normally."

"This rose is for you, John Torode."

They always say a glug of olive oil, don't they?

A glug. What happened to teaspoons?

A glug.

I'm not sure if I'm doing it right, but I take a swig

and then spit it in the pan.

LAUGHTER

Not always. Sometimes I just swallow.

LAUGHTER

The chefs practise each dish a million times.

Their families must get SO pissed off.

"We've had salmon tureen with rosewater biscuits

"25 times this week.

"I just want a bloody pasty."

Gregg often leans over the chefs and says, "You haven't got long left."

You wouldn't want to see Gregg Wallace in a hospital, would you?

I like watching Secret Eaters.

If you haven't seen it, it goes a little like this.

A woman says, "I just don't understand.

"I shouldn't be this fat for the amount I eat."

LAUGHTER

Then they film her eating six big dinners in a day,

show it to her, and she goes, "Oh."

That's it. It's brilliant. At some point, she always says,

"I've tried everything." Yeah, that's the problem, love.

If I had a diet programme, it would be called,

A Big Shit And A Haircut.

But my favourite food programme is not one you'd expect.

It's The One Show, because I can't eat my tea without it.

There are two types of people -

people who watch The One Show and those who have a kitchen table.

I've been on The One Show and it was probably the only time

when my parents have been truly proud,

because it was a show they were already watching.

LAUGHTER

"Mock The what?"

"8 Out Of 10 what?"

"The Sarah what Television Programme?"

The One Show follows on from local news.

I don't like how they say, "And now for the news where you are."

What, in the bath?

It's on at the perfect time, so that you don't have to listen to how your partner's day was.

"God, what a day I've had."

"Shut up. I'm trying to listen to Gyles Brandreth on the history of candy floss."

LAUGHTER

It should be called It's This Or Emmerdale.

It's the only show where you can get comments on jam from Chris Akabusi and the Dalai Lama.

It's like a crazy dinner party, where only a couple of people know one another

and have to make small talk.

"So, Lionel Ritchie...

"..have you ever been to the Barnstable Lawnmower Museum?"

LAUGHTER

Having presented the show myself, it's not natural how close they expect you to sit on the sofa.

Before I did the show, I'd only got that close to someone if I fancied them

or was freezing to death.

They told me, "Pretend you're on your sofa at home."

I said, "Oh, no, you don't want me to do that."

Alex interviewed The Rolling Stones recently, but, apparently,

Keith Richard doesn't really have an opinion

on the rebirth of traditional boat-building in Dorset.

Alex did her final university exams in Magaluf.

What kind of questions did she have?

"If WKD is three euros a bottle and Sol is ten bottles for 20,

"will you know who the father is?"

Anyone feeling hungry?

It must be time to see the hosts of The One Show on the big screen.

Please welcome Matt Baker and Alex Jones.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, Matt, hello, Alex. How are you two?

Very well, Sarah. How are you? I'm good, I'm good. Thanks very much

for joining us on the show. It's lovely. Let me ask you a question.

How do you keep a straight face when people send in their rubbish pictures of stuff that they've made?

Because a lot of it's properly shit, isn't it?

LAUGHTER

Well, I mean, to be honest with you, what you see is the best.

It's amazing, isn't it, because whatever we ask for, they come in in their hundreds?

We genuinely think no-one is ever going to send in a picture about X, Y, or Z.

Well, we've never ever done a call-out,

where nobody's sent a photo.

That's what we should try and do. Challenge them, from now on.

Like a picture of a cock made out of pasta shapes.

We'd so get some.

That's just off the top of my head. I could come up with loads of these.

Anyway, this doesn't feel right talking to you like this. Hold on a second.

Brilliant. That's much better.

No, seriously, though, Sarah, I know exactly how you feel,

because, to be honest with you, I cannot go on air without having had my evening meal.

He doesn't work without some food in him first.

Aw, that's so good to know...

..because I worry that if you waited till after the show,

you'd be bloody starving.

There's always a half-eaten banana behind here, as well.

LAUGHTER

If energy levels start to drop throughout the show,

we can just have a quick nibble, put it back and then go out for the film.

We've also got... Look, we've also got a cat with a coconut on its head.

Is that just in case energy levels are low, as well?

LAUGHTER

Yeah.

You guys are such divas with your demands.

Why is the show usually half an hour, but it's a full 60 minutes on a Wednesday?

Is Wednesday a really heavy news day for pointless shit?

LAUGHTER

Hey, listen, we'd sit down here and talk for as long as people want us to.

We don't really know what's going out on telly.

We just sit here and chat. It could come to us at any point.

Do you do an hour every night, but they just choose to cut it off?

Exactly.

How much time did you spend perfecting your

"I'm really interested in what we're talking about" face?

Like, cos I'm not very good... I'll show you mine.

I'll show you like this.

LAUGHTER

Matt, why don't you do a link to Alex and we'll watch Alex do an interested face?

Let's see one, OK?

Just any... Just a general... Ready?

Um... Right. With the Olympics still in our memories,

we've been trying to find out the identity of Britain's oldest pole vaulter.

Now, lots of you have sent in claims.

Phil Tufnell grabbed his pole and went to see.

LAUGHTER

So... One of the things I do love about you, Matt,

is that you're really symmetrical.

Am I?

What do you mean by that? What do you mean?

You just are. You're just really symmetrical. Like, your face is really symmetrical.

And symmetrical is good, because the more symmetrical, the more attractive, apparently.

In that case, you're symmetrical, as well, Alex.

Tell your amazing fact.

Alex tells me this every other day, about who you're attracted to.

Oh, so you're attracted to somebody that reminds you of your mother.

Not if you're a girl, cos then it would be your father,

but if you're a boy, somebody who is similar to your mother.

We have this every other day. Is your boyfriend similar to your father?

Um, in personality or like...sexiness?

LAUGHTER

Now I feel awkward.

Cos it's a yes to both!

Speaking of facts, have you found that your general knowledge

has improved since doing the show?

Are you good at pub quizzes now?

Well, that's the reason, really, I'd like to stay for

as long as possible, because I can see a win in the distance.

I haven't gathered quite enough info yet.

You're getting there?

For me, though, facts, it, sort of, goes in

and I have this short-term memory and it all then dissolves.

By the next day, I don't even know who I am, half the time.

If you were in a pub quiz team, you would be the one doing the writing?

Oh, he's got lovely writing, for a boy.

Lovely writing for a boy?!

Matt has lovely straight, up and down, big.

We might just cut out the bit where you said you were talking about his handwriting.

Matt, you used to live on a sheep farm.

How much do you really love animals?

Oh, I do, yeah, a lot. They're a big part of my life.

Aww. Honestly, it's often the best way...the best company are animals.

They answer you back, man! Ha'way! Come on!

We made you say, "Ha'way". That's excellent.

Is sheep dip as delicious as it sounds?

If there was only ONE show - see what I did there?! -

if there was only ONE show on telly, which would you like it to be?

Oh, this one, otherwise we wouldn't have a job, would we?

Oh, yeah!

Countryfile comes a close second. Of course - Countryfile!

Of course, Countryfile!

Matt, you were part of a 1970s revival band called Disco Inferno.

Yep, yep.

Your character was called Butch Bender.

Butch Bender?!!

Hang on, you need it in context. Can you remember the names of

the other people in the band? Yeah.

Randy Todger.

Richard Itchin.

Oh. Richard Itchin? Any others? What's short for Richard?

Don't say it?

What a lovely moment!

Who was the second-worst guest you've ever had on the show?

LAUGHTER Second-worst? Well, yeah.

I didn't think we were going to mention Bruce Willis.

LAUGHTER

I think... Oh, there's been so many.

LAUGHTER

Alan Titch... No, we're joking. He was lovely.

Who did we have on who'd just got back off the plane...

from America? David Cassidy. David Cassidy. David Cassidy.

That man is not welcome here again.

LAUGHTER

He'd just got off long flight, so he was completely off his face.

He didn't know which country, programme,

day it was. He was all over the shop.

No, it's not very nice. They are few and far between, because most of our guests,

honestly, Sarah, as you know, they are absolutely lovely.

They play the game. You know, the British public love them, so we're onto a winner, really.

It's just when the Americans come over. I'm joking!

LAUGHTER

Joke. It's just we're nutty.

We've come up with this way of sort of seeing how much

of a game for a laugh they are, at the beginning,

because Matt and I will mime to the trumpets at the beginning of the show.

It just happens, it's natural. And if our guests join in,

it means they're game, they're up for it, so we know we'll have a good show.

That's really quite judgey, isn't it? Is it almost foolproof? Does it work.

Oh, yeah. All the time. We had, to be fair, we had Alan Titchmarsh

on tonight, but he didn't blow the trumpets, because he was repotting

a hydrangea. Fair enough.

Of course he fuckin' was(!)

Now, Matt, is there anything that you can't conjure up enthusiasm for?

Like, I bet you could make something really depressing,

like the end of the world, for example, sound really cheery.

Do you want to give it a go? Yeah, you could.

Yeah, I'll give it a go. So, we're in the show, yeah?

Like, in the show and then you've got to drop that in.

OK.

Alex, I mean, that was fascinating stuff there

about the pelicans.

Amazing. Now, we've just had...just had some news in.

The world is going to end in three minutes. Yes!

I wonder what it's going to be like? There you are. Well, hang on.

We've got three minutes, everyone.

It's just going to give us enough time to show you how amazing...

Look at this scale model of Didcot town centre. Made of cheese.

It's been a total joy to have you on. Thank you very much for joining us.

Ladies and gentlemen, Matt Baker and Alex Jones.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, we all love a big shiny Saturday night entertainment show, don't we?

Strictly Come Dancing, The X Factor, Britain's Got Talent...

Basically, anything that involves a panel of judges

telling someone they're not very good at something.

Judging is what we all do on a Saturday night, anyway, if we go out.

"Look at that dress."

"Those jeans on those thighs."

"If that skirt was any shorter, you'd see wisps."

These shows are about making staying in the same as going out.

There's singing, there's tears,

there's dancing and flirting.

All you need is to get fingered in a car park and job done.

CHEERING AND LAUGHTER

X Factor has now had 12 Christmas number ones and one Christmas number two.

I manage more than that before EastEnders.

My favourite bit is judges' houses, although I want it to be more like

Come Dine With Me. Instead of all the crying and singing,

they could have a root around Gary Barlow's bedside drawer,

to see if he's got any pictures of me.

God knows, I've sent him plenty.

Tulisa said that being fired from X Factor left a nasty taste in her mouth.

LAUGHTER

And you can finish that one off for yourselves...

which is also what she should have said.

I'd be a great judge on The Voice, cos I used to work in an office

and I'm a demon on spinny chairs.

I could go whole days without getting out of it.

Wheel meself to the printer, wheel meself to the kitchenette.

If I was a judge on The Voice, I'd call myself Mill.i.can.

The trouble with Tom Jones dropping names all the time

is that, nowadays, he can't bend down to pick them up.

A lot of people wonder why Tom Jones' face is dark. It's not fake tan.

Just remember that his female fans chuck their underwear at him.

GROANING

At least he's not red-faced.

GROANING

I enjoyed that show Splash!, but I think it would have been better

if they'd kept the leisure centre open during filming.

Eddie The Eagle bellyflopping into the middle of a mother and toddler

aqua-aerobics session.

Some goose-pimply 12-year-old tapping Vernon Kay on the shoulder

to say he's lost his locker key.

My favourite bit was the fact that you could press the red button

to see the celebs go through the verruca pool.

I love Britain's Got Talent, but Amanda Holden cries a lot, doesn't she?

Does she do that thing with her hands to wave her tears back into her eyes?

Crying's brilliant. Why try and stop it?

Afterwards, I feel like I've achieved something,

makes you feel good tired, you know, like after sex.

And if you do both together, you feel properly rested.

LAUGHTER

There's now versions of this show all around the world -

Australia's Got Talent, Armenia's Got Talent,

Vietnam's Got Talent and, in Saudi Arabia, Men Have Got Talent.

The last two years have proved that the most talented people in Britain are some Hungarians and a dog.

LAUGHTER

I'd like to know more about being a television judge,

so please welcome, from Strictly Come Dancing, Bruno Tonioli.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, Bruno, Come Dancing... Have you ever?

LAUGHTER

Have I ever?

I was watching you backstage, but I could have, with pleasure.

LAUGHTER

What a lovely thing to say! She's so fabulously funny.

You're so funny.

Do you think you are too hard sometimes?

LAUGHTER

I've never had complaints about being too hard, you know.

Really? Usually they like it hard. I was talking about judging.

Oh, I'm sorry!

LAUGHTER

There aren't many famous Italians over here.

I think there's just you, Frankie Dettori and Mama Dolmio.

Mama Dolmio! And I'm pretty sure she was made in Holland.

Why is that? Why aren't there more Italians here?

No, there's Gino. Gino D'Acampo, the chef, and...

That's it. There's Gino... Sophia Loren, but she's about 78.

She's still Italian, though. Still Italian, yeah.

OK. You're in Dancing With The Stars in America.

What's the difference between judging in America and judging here?

It's funny, because in America, in America you can say "fanny", but you can't say "pussy".

In Britain, you can say "pussy", but you can't say "fanny".

That's the main difference, is it? That's it.

LAUGHTER

On Strictly, the last dance should be a slowie, shouldn't it?

The old erection section.

The erection section. The rumba is my favourite.

Is that the erection one? Because it's all about sex.

Basically, it's like having sex, you know.

That's not how I do it.

So what do you do when you're having sex? You don't rub against somebody else?

Just lie there for a bit.

You're waiting for it to happen. And then just put my nightie down.

LAUGHTER

You know, I've always wanted to be a Saturday telly judge.

I've always wanted to be one. Will you help me, Bruno?

I'd love to. Let's do it, let's do it.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Do you think we're going to find a star tonight?

Oh, yes. We're going to find the biggest, brightest, most exciting star Britain has ever seen.

I'm sure. Excellent. Right, who's next?

What's your name, love? Sarah.

It's been quite a journey for you, hasn't it?

Yeah, it has. Two buses - and then it was a walk.

LAUGHTER

Sarah, do you think you can win this?

I wouldn't have thought so, but you're the bloody judge.

What are you going to do for us? I'm going to tell you a story.

There'll be tears, but not necessarily in a good way.

In your own time, pet.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING

GASPING

GASPING AND LAUGHTER

That was the worst sexy geranium I've ever seen.

Dreadful. Oh, enough is enough.

TREMBLING SPEECH: I'm sorry, but it's a no from us.

You know nothing. I'm going to be huge!

I'm going to have a number one record...

of shadows.

So a rabbit to you and a rabbit to you.

Actually, not you. You look lovely today. Oh, thank you. That's so nice.

Actually...

BOOING

Thank you very much for being on the show.

Ladies and gentlemen, Bruno Tonioli.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That's it for tonight. Unfortunately, we haven't had time

to talk about those other singing shows that transform your life.

If you win, you'll have no privacy.

Unless you win The Voice. You'll have a fair bit of privacy, then.

"Didn't you win The Voice?" "Yes. Now, do you want fries with that or not?"

We haven't had time to talk about This Morning.

They called it that so old people would know when it's on.

The One Show completely confuses them.

We haven't had time to talk about rugby, football or cricket.

Good.

Or snooker. It's extremely boring.

Though it does liven up slightly when there's a gentle kiss on the pink.

Good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd