Christmas Special The Sarah Millican Television Programme

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello and welcome to the Sarah Millican Christmas Television programme.

CHEERING

You know, at this time of year it gets to the point where there's

so much good stuff on your TV planner,

you become overwhelmed, don't you?

You start getting up early, just to get through it all.

"If we put in 12 hours every day, we should clear the lot by April."

For me, Christmas is all about telly.

If Jesus was born today, the three wise men would

bring gold, frankincense and a 42 inch plasma with built-in Freeview.

Telly is a big thing for me over Christmas,

but I always find it weird that the news is still on.

How can there be news on Christmas Day? We're all in the house!

If there is news, it should at least be appropriate.

Tonight's headlines - we're low on Rennies

and the Vienetta is still rock hard.

LAUGHTER

Now, I don't normally enjoy the Queen's Speech,

but this year I'm looking forward to it, because at some point she is

going to have to say,

"This year, one jumped out of a bloody helicopter!"

Some shows simply can't do Christmas specials,

because their content isn't appropriate.

You couldn't have Christmas Embarrassing Bodies, could you?

That wouldn't work. "It smells of eggnog and I don't know why!"

Apparently, Ross Kemp is doing a festive edition of his show

called Ross Kemp On Christmas,

where he survives one of the hottest, oppressive,

inhospitable places on Earth - his nan's house on Boxing Day!

It's been a good year for telly.

Dallas came back on Channel 5...

CHEERING

..and we came over all nostalgic, didn't we?

Remember when people used to watch Channel 5?

We had the Olympics.

The Opening Ceremony which showed the world the best of British

and the Closing Ceremony which showed them

George Michael's new single.

"What's this shit? Do Club Tropicana!"

We saw Madness singing Our House on top of Buckingham Palace,

which is very appropriate because we pay for the bloody thing!

We got to see a lot of the Royal Family this year,

including a bit too much of Prince Harry!

Though he did have his hand over the main bits!

Newspapers - don't say naked when you mean nearly naked!

For me, the TV show of the year has been Downton Abbey.

I like it because things are resolved very quickly.

"We're off to war. We're back. How was the war? Beastly!"

"Shall we have a cup of tea?"

Rumour has it, for Christmas Downton have brought out their own

merchandise, including a pregnancy test that simply says, "Lady" or "Whore"!

I think you should be able to buy Downton underwear - a big bra

with "Upstairs" and bloomers with "Downstairs."

And round the back, "Tradesmen, knock before entering!"

You know what I really want for Christmas?

To meet Lord Grantham

and because I am on telly now, these things can actually happen.

He's the star of Downton Abbey and 2012,

so please welcome my guest, the brilliant Hugh Bonneville.

CHEERING

Hello, hello. Hello, hello.

Thank you very much for coming on the show.

You're obviously starring in the big Downton Abbey Christmas special

which we're all very excited about.

What happens?

I can't tell you anything.

All I can tell you is it's not set at Christmas. How about that?

It's a bit different to last year and it's a bit of a rollercoaster,

but all the episodes are rollercoaster and as you say,

the story moves very quickly.

It really does. You can't go for a wee, unless it's a break!

Have you ever acted like a lord at home?

Have you got any servants at home?

Do you get an urge for them because you can have them at work,

have them at home?

I don't think our cleaner would appreciate it very much if I tried!

Your cleaner! Our cleaner!

So you have!

You've now put an image into my head that the lovely lady who does

will never forgive me for. That's awful! Can we cut this bit out?

I'm embarrassed now, really embarrassed.

He's got at least one servant!

Does she live underneath you?

LAUGHTER

I love it when I'm accidentally rude. I didn't even mean that!

Yes, you did! Does she live in the cellar?

We haven't got a cellar. She lives in the attic!

That's a good answer. I like that.

I bet the Abbey itself, I bet it looks amazing at Christmas.

We've got a photo of what it looks like normally, like that,

beautiful and this is what it looks like at Christmas!

Tell me, what is Christmas like in your household?

It's mainly me keeping out of the way, because I am a real klutz.

I mean, I break things, I get in the way,

I open presents before I'm meant to, that sort of thing.

So you don't cook? No, that would be a big mistake. Your wife cooks?

My wife is a brilliant cook.

About once every two years, I announce to the universe that

I am going to cook and I usually burn it and it's miserable

and it ends up in a terrible row, so it's best if I keep away.

I'm not even allowed near the bread sauce, nothing.

But I'm quite good... What's bread sauce? Like ketchup? Yes!

Just when you say you burn things, I'm not a very good cook,

I burn things quite a lot, there's a new word for it these days

- caramelised!

The Americans love Downton, don't they? Mm-hmm.

Do you think they secretly want us to be in charge again?

Yeah, they're regretting 1776 big time. No, of course they don't.

They love ruling the world, or pretending they do.

Thinking they do, bless them.

I was going to say something really horrible, but I changed me mind.

Fat bastards!

That wasn't even it! That wasn't even it.

I can't talk! I cannot talk.

I have got massive knickers on! I can't talk.

Do you pretend to be a lord to get upgraded on planes?

I think that would work. Have you tried it? No, it's never worked.

I absolutely don't...! You've tried it?

You said it's never worked. Don't you know who I am?

It certainly doesn't work.

In fact, earlier in the year, I went to Washington DC to have dinner

at the White House - me and Elizabeth McGovern went

as representatives of Downton Abbey

and did sort of flash my invitation at the Customs and was immediately

hauled into a room for half an hour,

so it has the opposite effect, actually.

Really? Was it quite scary?

It was a bit, because I thought, "I want me dinner.

"I don't want to go home again!"

What did you have for your dinner?

What was... Caramelised beef!

You're also starring in Mr Stink which was written by David Walliams.

Was that based on his time swimming in the Thames? It could have been.

It's a lovely children's book, he's written several now

and this is the first one that's been adapted for television

and it's very funny and very charming and will be on around now.

We've actually got a photo of you as Mr Stink. Let's have a look at this.

How did you cope with the scratchy phase of your beard,

when it's coming in, because when I'm growing in...

Honestly, I could writhe it off.

Did it get scratchy? Very...

Yes, there is an itchy phase, let's put it that way. Certainly is.

And then it gets nice and soft and bouncy. Doesn't it just?

You've played a right posho and a homeless bloke.

Which of these looks are you going for tonight?

You were in Tomorrow Never Dies with Pierce Brosnan, the Bond film.

Yes. Are you gutted that you didn't get to be in any of the good ones

with Timothy Dalton?

You know, the ones with Timothy Dalton?

You were also in Notting Hill. Yes. What was Julia Roberts like?

She always seems lovely. Is she lovely?

Really lovely, she is good fun and we were all...I was certainly terrified

of meeting her, because this great, iconic film star, but you know,

you just remember they wear pants, some bigger than others, whatever!

Sorry, I didn't mean that! I didn't mean...

I didn't mean...

I only said that because you'd been referring to the size of your pants.

We'll probably cut out the bit where I'm talking about me pants.

And just have you saying, "Some bigger than others!"

You've a sex symbol status now!

HUGH SPLUTTERS

Does that give you a bit of a swagger?

No! I've got about as much of a sex symbol status as that little, erm,

snowman there. I was pointing at the snowman.

Don't call me "That", Hugh! "That!"

"She's got big knickers on and I'm calling her that!"

So you're uncomfortable with the sex symbol status?

You are a sex symbol! I'm not a sex symbol. Isn't he a sex symbol?

AUDIENCE: Yes. See? Yes, yes, the over-80s said that! Yes.

Well, you got to take it where you can!

Thank you very much. Merry Christmas to Hugh Bonneville.

Ladies and gentlemen, give him a round of applause. Thank you.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

CHEERING

One of my friends asked

if I switched on the Christmas lights in South Shields

where I'm from. It was only then I realised I hadn't been asked.

AUDIENCE: Aww!

And while Joe McElderry's alive, it's never going to bloody happen.

Christmas is the only time where it's permissible to drink

alcohol at breakfast,

unless you're watching in Scotland, where it's Christmas every day.

Present buying can be hard work.

Everyone's got one of those friends who's a bit right-on

and is highly likely to forward you an e-mail saying they've sent

a goat to Africa for you.

If that was me, I'd mess it up and someone would ring

and say, "There's a goat in me living room."

Ah, shit!

That means there's an African village

all gathering round a Kindle.

I bought my friend, Joan, a hamper last Christmas.

I've never had a hamper but I knew Joan would be like me

and just start opening jars of things she's never heard of,

sticking her finger, going, "What the hell is this? Bloody awful."

There was a jar of quince jelly in there

and it turns out Joan gets the words quince and quim mixed up.

For those who don't know, your quim is your...

Your lady pocket, your spam folder!

Your nunny!

So when she saw a jar of quince jelly, she said,

"Is it made of one?"

"Or have I got to spread it on mine?"

The annoying thing about Christmas is running out of batteries.

Cos the kids all want them for their toys.

Sorry!

Sorry, but if Christmas is coming, then so am I, flower.

One thing I miss about working in an office is the Christmas party.

I am self-employed. I didn't get to go to a Christmas party this year.

So I had to amuse meself.

I mean, I still photocopied me arse, I just had to go to the library.

But let's remember the true meaning of Christmas. Telly!

And the soaps have had another good year. Continuity announcers

often flag trouble to come by saying,

"This Christmas Day, Coronation Street is Devastation Street."

I want to see the Boxing Day episode where they say,

"Nothing has moved in Weatherfield. It's Constipation Street."

If you put Coronation Street into a sat nav,

when you reach it, it just says, "Turn around quickly!"

You'll end up shagging your sister, and working in a knicker factory!

Deirdre Barlow has been in Coronation Street

so long, her glasses have come back into fashion twice!

No, they really haven't.

These are what I wore when I was 16.

I don't do many impressions, but that one is pretty good, isn't it?

At this time of year, everything is coming to a head in the soaps.

In the Christmas EastEnders,

an old character always returns unexpectedly on Christmas Day.

"I've come back." How? How have you come back?

There are no buses, no trains.

It's snowing and the roads are shut.

I want to learn more about the Christmas soaps

so please welcome Christmas star of the East...Enders, Shane Richie!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, Shane. Hello, darling.

Thanks so much for joining us. Absolute pleasure.

You're such a good actor and it's such a good character you developed,

but what I really want to know is, how on earth do you concentrate

with Kat's tits in your face the whole time?

Oh, don't!

Are you...listen, Sarah, how close are you to the camera? How close?

I'm close to you. See if you can get close. Because I want to...

Come here. Come and get close to me and see if we can kiss on screen.

Can we make it work?

AUDIENCE: Woow!

Did it work? Did it work?

Well, I had me tongue out and your mouth wasn't open, so...!

Don't think you're very good kisser!

Shane, it's Christmas, the happiest time of the year.

Who's going to die in EastEnders?

You know, Sarah, sadly someone will die, round about Christmas time.

If you told us who dies, would you get sacked?

Oh, darling, I would get into so much trouble,

because while I am talking to you right now, at the side I have

got a whole team of people, looking at me, just waving contracts.

You know, seriously, thinking about it, though, Sarah,

the normal progression of yourself doing stand-up comedy and back in

the day I've done stand-up, I'm sure it's only a matter

of time till you do a gameshow and then the next progression

is to do either a sitcom or some comedy drama and then you're

going to find yourself either doing Emmerdale, Corrie or EastEnders!

So if you had to choose out the three, want you to be honest,

which one would it be?

I can't really do any of the accents though, that's the problem.

If I did EastEnders, could you teach me?

If I teach you to speak like a Londoner.

We'll do a practice line now. I'll teach you to speak like a Cockney.

Let's do a line now.

OK, this is what we're going to do. I want you to imagine the scene.

You're going to be Alfie's long lost lover, all right? Awesome!

Let's find a name for you. Let's call you...

What sort of name do you want?

Choose a name. What name would you like?

Can I be slightly slaggy? Slightly slaggy?

Shall I call you Slightly Slaggy, then?

Right, so, just picture the scene!

You're going to be a big, old trollop, right,

but what we're going to do, but if people imagine the scene,

we're going to give you a bit of a London accent.

Picture the scene. Everybody at home.

There's this new character. Let's call you Tracey.

There's a couple of girls

really offended in the audience called Tracey!

"Oh, that's the name of a slag, is it?"

Picture the scene.

You're Tracey. You're upstairs in the Queen Vic.

We've just been caught in bed by Kat. OK?

You're going to have to work on your London accent.

I'm going to turn round and say something like,

"Tracey, how are we going to get out of this one, sweetheart"

and you're going to say, "Never mind, Alfie.

"Get that thing out of my body and here's your chocolates back."

And then there's going to be a big doof-doof at the end, all right?

Are you ready? Yeah.

OK, picture the scene, right? It's night time in the Queen Vic.

The camera pans round and takes us upstairs into the bar where

we see Kat outside the door, listening to Alfie and Tracey at it.

Oooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!

Not there, not there, get it out, not there!

Oooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!

Is this all right? Is this...?

We'll leave it there, OK?

Oooh, ooh!

Let me just tick that fantasy off, hold on!

Right, now, so now, Kat comes through the door and goes,

"What's going on here?"

I say, "Kat, this is not what it looks like, darling." Go!

TERRIBLE COCKNEY ACCENT: Never mind, Alfie. Get your cock out

and here's your chocolates back!

EASTENDERS DRUM ROLL

There's our new Christmas episode.

One of my favourite shows of yours is Don't Forget The Lyrics.

You do a lot of singing in that.

You've done a lot of singing in your whole life.

Have you ever forgotten the lyrics? Yeah.

The one that springs to mind... I spent a long time in a musical,

Grease in the West End and also in Manchester back in the '90s.

And I had done the show so many times,

two shows a day for like, three and a half years

and the big song in the show is Sandy and I remember just sitting in front

of 3,000 people and the band started playing and it was going,

# Stranded at the drive-in

# Branded a fool

# What will they say

# Monday at school. #

And all I could think of was,

what the fuck is this girl's name?

And it just went...

HE MUMBLES

# Can't you see I'm in misery

# Made a start now we're apart

# There's nothing left for me... #

What is her...?

# Love has flown all alone

# I sit I wonder why-y-y

# Oh, why she left me... #

HE MUMBLES

The charity single you did for Children In Need way back when,

I take it we raised enough to make you stop singing.

Are your whites still whiter than white?

You know, there's certain things that come back to haunt you, isn't there?

But seriously, the amount of money they paid me

to do that, I'd have sniffed that shit, never mind wash with it!

FAUX COCKNEY ACCENT: Thanks so much for coming on the show, Shane.

Merry Christmas. Ladies and gentlemen, Shane Richie!

Merry Christmas, darling.

Coming in for a kiss!

I am genuinely quite hot right now!

Some people think Christmas is more special if you have kids,

but for me, the wonder of Christmas

is watching old men sleep sitting up.

Oh, look at him. Oh, he's nodded off. His eyes are open.

Nana, have you checked him?

My nana used to pickle her own onions for Christmas.

Sounds like a lot of faff to me.

The best bit was, she pickled normal sized onions.

There was only ever two in a jar.

Cooking is very stressful at Christmas.

A big, pink, wet, shiny thing just sitting in the sink.

Get out of there, Nana, we've got to defrost the turkey.

Just sitting there with her giblets on show.

Christmas is a time for families,

so let's bring on an expert on my family.

Second choice, Mam wasn't available, please welcome my dad, Philip.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hiya, Dad. Can you see me? Certainly can.

I didn't know you were going to dress up for the occasion.

Who says I'm dressed up?

Tell us, what are you looking forward to watching on telly

over Christmas? Do you like Downton? Yes, definitely watch Downton.

Why do you like Downton so much?

It's a bit of history, it shows you how Christmasses used to

be before we had telly, Facebook and Twitter and all that rubbish.

You're not on Facebook or Twitter though, are you? No.

No, but you read all mine, don't you?

I've got no anecdotes any more, because I go, you never guess what I

did the other day and he just tells us what I did the other day.

You tell all the world, so you might as well tell your dad.

Actually, you saying that is a nice thing. That felt a little bit

like a dig!

Obviously, I was always on Santa's nice list, but can you

remember what happened the year that Santa couldn't get what I wanted?

That was the Cabbage Patch phenomenon. Phenomenon.

You wanted a Cabbage Patch doll. Yes.

People were flying over to America on Concorde to get them.

People were flying on Concorde, just for a Cabbage Patch Kid?

That's right. Santa brought you a letter telling you that you had to

take your dad to Fenwick's toy department

and pick any doll you liked.

And you picked the most expensive!

Not stupid!

Obviously, everyone is different, but in our house,

how do we know when Santa's been?

The lounge door is shut.

Because it's never shut normally, is it? Always open.

And when it's shut, it means he's been, doesn't it? That's right.

And me granda used to come every year,

but before Christmas he always said to us,

don't buy any presents for me, don't spend your money on me, spend your

money on yourself and then you'd go and get him and as he walked

in the lounge, the door had been shut, what did he say every year?

Which pile is mine?

It's a good job we paid no attention to him whatsoever.

Thank you very much, Dad. I'll see you on Christmas Day

and remember I still want a Cabbage Patch doll? OK? Righto!

Ladies and gentlemen, my dad Philip.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So that's it for my Christmas special. Unfortunately, we didn't

have time to talk...oh, that reminds me. Mince pies for Santa.

Better put them out now.

They look fancy, don't they? I made them meself. Shut up, I did.

With a little bit of help from Mr Marks and Mr Spencer.

SLEIGH BELLS

Oh, shit!

BANG AND THUD

Ho ho ho ho!

SANTA HO HO HOS

God! You don't have to do this on Downton Abbey, you know!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Normally get the servants to do it for me. Anyway, oh-ho, mince pies!

Shall I have a mince pie before I empty my sack?

BAWDY LAUGHTER

No, presents first.

What have we got here?

One for Dad,

one for Mum...what's this?

Sarah's Kindle!

Now, what happened to my mince pies?

MASSIVE BURP

Oh, oh!

What are you looking at, fatty?

Sorry, Santa, I have got to go and finish me show.

I totally forgot that he's got to go back up as well!

That really is all for tonight.

Unfortunately we didn't have time to talk about the Christmas

cooking shows, like Jamie's Festive 15 Minute Meals

followed by Jamie's 60 Minute Boxing Day Dump.

The Christmas episode of To Buy Or Not To Buy, which is just men

standing around in Ann Summers.

And the answer is Not To Buy.

The festive Holby, which features a large woman

trapped in a sexy Santa outfit

and a bloke with a parsnip up his arse.

Or as it's called in A - an arsnip!

And we haven't had time to talk about the Christmas edition

of I'm A Celebrity.

Two contestants kissing underneath the camel toe.

Good night and Merry Christmas!