Christmas Special The Sarah Millican Television Programme

APPLAUSE

Hello and welcome to the Sarah Millican

Christmas Television Programme.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

People always talk about the good old days of TV at Christmas,

don't they?

"Oh, it was so much better then.

"25 million people sat down to watch the same programme."

That's because they had no choice.

It's like saying the Blitz was popular.

In the days of one TV, your mam could stop you watching

too much telly on Christmas day, couldn't she?

Now you can disappear into the toilet for half an hour

with your iPhone.

"Are you watching telly in there?"

"No, Ma, just had too many boiled eggs this morning."

I like to think by inserting sweets with particular shows,

it's a bit like finding the right wine for the right meat, you know?

For Strictly, I like Quality Street cos then

I can make my own outfit out of the wrappers.

That justifies both tins.

For News at Ten, I have After Eights.

And for EastEnders,

I like Jelly Babies because someone must die!

When babies are born on December 25th,

they are often given names like Noel and Holly.

I'd call mine Rennie.

They still have The Snowman on every year.

I worry, though, cos it first came out in 1980.

Given what other celebrities were doing back then,

you half expect to see the boy

with a snowy handprint on his pyjama bottoms.

As tribute to The Voice, when carol singers come to my house,

I turn my back on them.

I think the ultimate Christmas special would be Dr Who

turns up in Downton Abbey

and teaches Mrs Patmore how to do perfect roast potatoes.

Then flies, with the Snowman,

to Albert Square where he rescues the Queen from a fire.

And puts the whole story in a Kirstie Allsopp snow globe.

Setting fire to the Christmas pudding is a tradition.

Something your dad always wants to do.

And if it doesn't light straight away, he says,

"I know what'll help this." And comes back with a jerry can.

"I know what I'm doing.

"I did this last year in the OLD house."

I don't have any grandparents any more.

It's a shame you can't get a rescue one, isn't it?

There should be, like, a Battersea Dogs Home for nans.

Their motto could be, "Grandmas aren't for life,

"they're just for Christmas.

"And possibly birthdays.

"This is Ethel. She sometimes snaps.

"Not good with children.

"Barks at the telly.

"Partially house-trained.

"Used to be one of a pair."

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

With a lot of people living overseas now, it's quite common

for the family to watch their young relatives open presents on a webcam.

There's nothing like seeing their little faces light up, then go dark,

then freeze, then wobble a bit, then turn it off.

If they really loved me, they'd be here.

But, for me, Christmas is all about watching telly.

And you know what's changed the way we do that? Sky+.

Although my mam still refuses to pause live TV.

She thinks she'll be behind everyone for ever.

Like, she'll be forced to live in the past.

Once upon a time, there wasn't enough good telly.

Now there's too much.

I've never seen my boyfriend look more worried

than when the planner says we've got 3% left.

I'm a bit uncomfortable, actually.

What is that?

I love Phillip Schofield.

They say for men's hair, it's good to have a bit of salt and pepper.

Phillip Schofield is all salt.

I don't mind a high sodium diet.

I'm not the only one. Everyone has a crush on someone on TV.

A psychologist told me

that it's often a person who reminds you of your dad.

At least that's what I put my attraction to Samuel L Jackson down to.

The giveaway that boys have a crush on someone on TV

is when they put a cushion on their lap.

My boyfriend did it during Springwatch once.

I thought, "Aha! That's for Michaela Strachan,"

because I don't know if I can compete with a stoat.

Gordon Ramsay's an attractive bloke but he's always frowning, isn't he?

You'd worry that his sex face was the same as the one he pulls

when there's not enough seasoning in a risotto.

A friend of mine fancies Phil Spencer

and uses estate agent speak whenever we're watching him.

"He could see a knickers reduction opportunity with me.

"He could slip me for a profit.

"He could knock my hallway through any day."

Yes, I love Christmas.

I bought a chocolate Advent calendar this year.

I came home from work the next day, my boyfriend looked really guilty.

I said, "What have you done?"

He said, "I've just eaten a fortnight."

You can tell what social class you're in by the kind of eggs

you have on Christmas morning. Eggs Benedict - posh.

Poached eggs - trying to be posh.

And if you're common as muck like me, Easter eggs.

Oh, this must be my present from the BBC.

Oh, I love opening a present.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

I love opening presents. Let's do that.

Oh, it's Phillip Schofield!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Merry Christmas!

SARAH GIGGLES

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

-Hello.

-Merry Christmas, darling.

-Oh, don't do that!

I've loved you since I was 12.

Merry Christmas, and thank you so much for being on the show,

lovely Phillip Schofield. This is a really big moment for me.

Cos we've never met, have we? Our paths have never crossed.

No, and even now, we're separated by distance, which is unfair.

This feels like this might be a legal thing, though.

I've got a question for you. Holly or fern?

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

That's a tricky one. That's a very tricky one.

We had such a brilliant time with Fern, that was marvellous,

and we clicked.

And I thought no-one could ever replace her,

and then along came Holly, who is just such a delight to work with.

And I love going into work every morning to see her.

I meant as a table decoration, but, OK.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You can compare two women if you want.

Now, you've done a lot of testicle examinations on This Morning.

Is there any chance an enthusiastic amateur could come and have a go?

-Yeah, definitely. You're on the list.

-I've got warm hands.

You're quite the Silver Fox, aren't you?

Do the curtains match the carpet, or...?

Do you have a bit of Just For Men down below?

I'll answer you honestly, as decently as I can at Christmas.

And that is, look at that,

and look at those.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

LAUGHTER

Oh, no. I'm quite warm.

LAUGHTER

So am I.

You once received some pubic hair in the post from a fan.

-Yes!

-Has that gone grey now, too?

Because it shouldn't because it isn't.

So that WAS you?

I have actually written to you in the past.

I wrote to you a number of times, when I was sort of 12, 13,

when you were in the Broom Cupboard. Going Live! kind of era.

I sent a photograph of my bedroom once to you.

Cos it had pictures of you.

And you sent it back and wrote on the back, "A true fan,"

and then signed it.

But the point is that you sent it back.

Do you know, bizarrely...

-..I have a vague recollection of that.

-No, shut up!

-Even if you're lying, that has made me very happy.

-I never lie.

Mm-hm.

This is my best Christmas present ever.

What's the best Christmas present you've ever received?

When I was really little, my mum and dad stayed up late

in the weeks and weeks leading up to Christmas,

and made me my own zoo, a handmade zoo.

My dad was really very, very clever with his hands.

He was a brilliant craftsmen. I wish I'd kept my zoo.

I'll make you a zoo.

All the animals will have proper hair and everything.

SARAH CHUCKLES

Do you ever think about making the competition questions

in This Morning a bit,

A, harder,

B, ridiculously easy,

or C, Lionel Richie?

Definitely C.

What do you do when a guest doesn't turn up,

like, if somebody's stuck in traffic, or for whatever reason

they don't arrive and you need a guest, what do you do then?

-Well, after we've tried to contact you...

-I was going to say,

I am normally really close, Phillip.

I've seen the smears up the studio window.

It's in the lower ones as well.

You asked for that.

Now, why don't you present This Morning on Fridays?

Can you just not be arsed?

It was because Dancing On Ice, when we started doing Dancing On Ice,

the rehearsal's on Saturday, did the show on the Sunday,

and, so, I never saw the family.

So it was because I got a day off for the family when they were younger.

And then they grew up and I just kept the Fridays off.

Do you watch, like, on a Friday, or, like everyone else,

do you just skip it cos it's just Eamonn and Ruth?

They're lovely, but they're a bit sort of substitute teachers,

aren't they? Just can't keep control.

How often on Dancing On Ice do you think to yourself,

"Oh, go on, drop her."

It depends who it is.

Do you have a favourite moment from Dancing On Ice?

We had Pamela Anderson, who was on, and she was a lovely lady,

but a dreadful skater.

She provided me with one of my most extraordinary moments.

She did a huge lift, she was lifted by her partner,

finished the routine, she turned around and skated towards me.

And they were out.

It looked like the airbag had gone off.

-Now, I've got one more Christmas wish.

-What's that?

MAGICAL HARP MUSIC

Yeah, you're in the Broom Cupboard!

Ta-da!

It's been a long time.

-Did you get my Christmas cards?

-Yes, I did. Here we go.

It's like being in the Broom Cupboard again.

Here we are, here's a lovely card. This one's from Sarah.

Yeah, they're all from me, love.

Oh, that's the special one, the one with the glitter.

You see on the front, underneath the Merry Christmas?

If you have a look at the front there...

In the shape of a heart?

Yeah, I did a potato print of my vajazzle for you.

It's a lovely shape.

That's the compliment I mostly get!

But there is still something missing. Hang on.

LAUGHTER

Perfect!

-Is that the way you want me?

-That's the way I want you.

This is the best Christmas ever!

APPLAUSE

Thank you ever so much. Phillip Schofield!

It's my pleasure.

-And Sarah?

-Oh, yes?

Ha-ha! I'm coming in!

-Mwah! Thank you.

-Merry Christmas.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

After all that excitement,

I need to talk about something gentle like a Sunday night drama.

Why do we like soothing dramas on a Sunday night?

Because we want to be reminded of good times gone by,

like Friday night.

Downton's a Sunday night favourite.

In Downton times, a lot more people died of things they shouldn't have

because they were too repressed to say what the problem was.

They'd have to say, "I've got a problem with my finger." "Let me take a look."

"It's, um, up my bum."

LAUGHTER

"It's touching something knobbly."

LAUGHTER

Then there was Mr Selfridge. He invented fitting rooms.

What an arse.

The lights are too bright. Though they are good for plucking your tache, especially in Marksies.

The curtain is never wide enough

but it means you can show the girls walking past what a happy woman looks like.

I'm looking forward to the spin-off Miss Selfridge

where skinny girls stare at you and ask, "Is it for a present?"

LAUGHTER

Now, we couldn't have a Christmas show without talking about

one of the biggest shows of the year, Call The Midwife.

CHEERING

It's all about a group of midwives.

There's a posh one, a tough one, a very young one

and an older one who pretends to be young.

It's basically the Spice Girls on gas and air.

I love it when the midwives say, "I'm going to need hot water and towels."

I always think, "I'd be stressed and fancy a bath, too."

LAUGHTER

Those women are all very cheerful considering

they live on a bomb site, have too much sex and all the men are bastards.

Oh, hang on, I'm thinking of Geordie Shore!

And there are a lot of bikes in it. No, that's Geordie Shore!

LAUGHTER

This is at the time when a man and woman had to have a chaperone when they went out on a date.

A chaperone was there to hold your handbag

while you went off to get fingered outside.

LAUGHTER

"I'm not putting it on the ground. It'll get dirty."

Call The Midwife wasn't their first choice for title.

Others they thought of were Game Of Moans,

Nuns And Nunnies,

and Sorry About Your Carpet.

LAUGHTER

How do they measure how dilated the woman is down there?

Is that why rulers need to be shatterproof?

LAUGHTER

I think I've got too smutty a mind to watch Call The Midwife.

The other day I nearly spat my tea out

when one of the midwives complimented a mother on her lovely curtains.

LAUGHTER

You know what? Because it's Christmas,

I think I'm going to call the midwives right now.

Please welcome Judy Parfitt and Helen George,

also known as Sister Monica Joan and Nurse Trixie Franklin from Call The Midwife.

-Hello.

-Hello.

-Welcome to the show.

-Thank you.

-Merry Christmas.

-Merry Christmas.

-It's lovely to have you here.

What I would like to know is before phones, how did they call the midwife?

Was it like the Bat-Signal but with a fanny in the sky?

How would you recognise it? You'd be like, "Is it? Is it a flower? I don't know what it is."

-They used to have carrier pigeons.

-Carrier pigeons?

-Yes, yes.

-Really?

-And it would just say, "It's coming out!"

-Yes.

-Put it in a pigeon and send it.

-They'd send the pigeon.

Right, OK. That's good to know.

Sister Monica is obsessed with cake, knitting and astrology, isn't she?

-Yes.

-I totally get that

apart from the knitting and the astrology.

-They're good things to be obsessed with, aren't they?

-I think so.

What do you think is the best thing about living in the 1950s? What was the best thing?

I like the fact that you can eat white bread and you don't feel bad.

I eat white bread and I don't feel bad, love.

You were allowed to have boobs, back then, weren't you?

-Pointy boobs as well.

-Very pointy. I felt very left out.

-How do you get them into a point?

-Tissue paper.

-Really?

You don't just roll them? Like...

Until they eventually fill the end of your bra. Just keep on.

"Come here, you've got warm hands. Keep rolling."

I'm not very good with babies.

How long do you have to hold them

before you can ask if somebody else wants a go?

I'm not good with them.

And they're heavy as well, so you're kind of ugh.

They're lovely when they're quiet.

When they're quiet and haven't shat themselves?

And they haven't pooed.

We have naked babies on set all the time doing the birth stuff

and they just poo everywhere. It's like that yellow curry.

Yellow poo.

-You've just put me off curry for life.

-I know!

And people will say, "Oh, you've just got a little..."

Curry poo on your face!

You obviously all know how to hold babies.

I've only ever held one baby and I'm not very good at it.

I hold them, you know, like that.

You know what I mean? Out like that, by their feet.

LAUGHTER

When you auditioned for the part,

did you have to display any midwifery skills at the audition?

I didn't audition, darling.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

-You were just given the part?

-Of course!

-Well, I apologise.

-Well, I should think so.

I just assumed people had auditions. No?

-I auditioned.

-You auditioned!

-She's young.

Well, that's because, you know, they wanted to make sure

that they definitely liked you and you'd obviously just muscled your way in.

Helen, you practised the medical techniques on your husband, didn't you?

I used my dog because I didn't have, you know, a prosthetic doll to practise with,

so I'd come back and sort of... She's a Yorkshire terrier.

She's kind of baby-sized so it just seemed like the natural progression.

So your husband was the pregnant lady?

Yes, on his back with his legs up with a blanket over.

It conjures up the most extraordinary picture.

So he had the blanket over, his legs up?

-He delivered a Yorkshire terrier!

-And he had a Yorkshire terrier?

Very successful, yes.

Did you hand the Yorkshire terrier back to your husband to cradle?

-I wrapped her in a blanket and she looked like ET.

-That is adorable.

Do you enjoy leaving the young ones to do the delivery of the babies?

You get up to quite a bit of mischief.

-Do you enjoy that part of your character?

-Yes, I love it.

-What's your favourite bit of mischief you've got up to?

-Eating cakes.

-Everybody else is working, just in the corner snaffling away?

-Yes.

I think I could do your part.

But I mean obviously I'd have to audition!

Helen, I didn't know this,

-you did backing vocals for Elton John for a while.

-I did, yes.

Do you have a song when delivering a baby?

You know, like, Circle Of Life or Tiny Dancer or something appropriate?

Like I'm Still Standing Because My Fanny's Too Sore To Sit Down?

PHONE RINGS

Oh, excuse me. This is very odd that the phone has gone. Hello?

Now? Really? I think this is for one of you two.

-Apparently someone's about to drop. Yeah.

-Shall we?

-We should probably hurry up.

-Absolutely.

-Do you want to help us?

-Oh, really?

-Yes, come.

-We'll show you how.

-I'll give it a bash.

-And then you can hold a baby.

-Oh...great.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

SHE SCREAMS

Ooh!

Oh, sweetie, you're doing very well.

Now just remember to breathe in and out. Where's Nurse Sarah?

-She should be here by now.

-I'm sure she'll be here soon. Oh, calm yourself.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Someone has called the midwife.

I must get to Nonnatus House at once for the...baby thing.

LAUGHTER

I'm not an expert.

LAUGHTER

Oh.

Oh. Ah... Ow!

Oh, you bugger. Oh, you bugger.

No wonder Victoria Pendleton is so grumpy.

LAUGHTER

I'm coming, I'm coming!

Shit! Cobblestones!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Ooh!

Cobblestones!

LAUGHTER

WOMAN SCREAMS

Nearly there!

Yes! Yes!

Yes! Yes!

I've arrived.

LAUGHTER

MUSIC: 'Call The Midwife' Theme Tune

-Right, I'm here. How may I assist?

-Sarah, where have you been?

I don't know, but I'm going back, flower.

LAUGHTER

Well, you're here now. This is Mary. She's doing very well.

Everything is as it should be and she is four fingers dilated.

Four fingers?

Does anybody else really fancy a KitKat?

Argh!

That's one for you, love? OK. Anyone else? Bounty? Twix?

Penguin?

-We need hot water.

-That's a good idea because I'm parched.

I'll have four sugars in mine, flower.

Perhaps you'd better just stay with the father.

What's he doing here anyway? This is the 1950s.

We couldn't afford another set, love. This isn't BBC One, you know.

-Hello, love. What's your name?

-Joseph.

Mary and...

Joseph?

And if you have a little boy, what are you going to call him?

Keith.

Let's get you out of here.

Don't forget the cap, the way your wife did.

LAUGHTER

Argh!

We're almost ready, love. One big, last push.

Argh!

It's looking angry down there.

She's going to be off her cello lessons for a good while.

That's it. There we go. There we are.

There we are.

It's a boy!

BABY CRIES

I have witnessed a moment in history that will change the world for ever.

From today I have witnessed the birth

of the baby Phillip Schofield!

APPLAUSE

MUSIC: 'This Morning' Theme Tune

Thank you so much for coming on the show.

Ladies and gentlemen, Helen George and Judy Parfitt!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That's it for tonight.

Unfortunately we haven't had a chance to talk about all the repeats that are on at Christmas.

We haven't had a chance to talk about all the repeats that are on at Christmas.

LAUGHTER

We haven't had a chance to talk about any Christmas spoilers,

or children, as I call them.

Or the Sherlock Christmas special where he figures out some of the biggest Christmas mysteries

like who gave you the secret gift at the office Christmas party

and when will it clear up?

LAUGHTER

Or the Christmas Grand Designs

which is just going to be people eating sandwiches in a caravan because their house isn't finished.

And we haven't had time to talk about the Embarrassing Bodies Christmas special,

or as I'm calling it, Jingle Balls.

LAUGHTER

Good night and Merry Christmas!