Episode 1 The Sarah Millican Television Programme


Episode 1

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Transcript


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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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Hello, and welcome to The Sarah Millican Television Programme,

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the show that dines at the buffet of TV

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while choosing to ignore the salad bar.

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I absolutely love telly and it's taught me all I know.

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I've learnt loads about antiques from watching Antiques Roadshow.

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I like it when they find out what Grandma's vase is worth

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and they pretend they would never sell it.

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"No, I'd never sell this vase. It reminds me too much of me nana."

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"20 grand? For that much, I'll even wash her ashes out of it."

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I've learned that men love Match Of The Day.

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I only like the post-match interviews.

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They'd never work in women's football, would they?

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"What do you think went wrong today?"

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"Well, if you don't know...."

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And Newsnight has taught me a lot of things.

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It's taught me that I wouldn't like to live with Jeremy Paxman.

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"You're avoiding the question. Answer the question!"

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"OK, I might have moved the kitchen scissors into the lounge.

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"On one occasion, and for that misunderstanding,

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"I will give a full and public apology."

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I won't go to bed without watching Newsnight. Honestly, it's brilliant.

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Sends me right off.

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I don't even need a milky drink,

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much to my boyfriend's disappointment.

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So, tonight I'm going to be looking at two of my favourite types of TV.

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Dating shows and nature programmes.

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That's two separate things, of course.

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Unless you're watching Take Me Out.

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Now, when I was a bairn, I was obsessed with wildlife programmes.

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I once asked me mam, "Did Dad climb on your back to make me?"

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Watching wildlife programmes with family can be tricky,

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especially older members. The sex stuff.

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Plus the bit where the older member of the herd

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is pushed out to die alone.

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While the younger members carry on.

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"Bet you're glad we're not elephants, eh, Nana!"

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She couldn't hear.

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There weren't enough chairs in the front room.

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A four-foot child can fit into the mouth of a hippopotamus.

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I'm guessing who found that out isn't allowed to baby-sit any more.

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My sister and I had pets, and often had a rabbit each,

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but I refused to play ball when naming them.

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She wanted them to be a duo, and I always spoilt it.

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So we had Bubbles and Smokey.

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Starsky and Snowy.

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And Cagney and John.

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My rabbit got out once and dug up the corpse of my sister's hamster.

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If only it were possible to high-five a rabbit!

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Some people like animals too much.

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A survey said 275,000 Swiss people have had sex with an animal.

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Which makes you wonder if those giant cowbells

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are actually a rudimentary rape alarm.

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So let's ask the audience, if you had to have sex

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with a wild animal, what would it be?

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Give us a wave if you've got an answer.

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The lady there. Shall we get the Milli-cam?

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We've got a little camera, if you pass it across,

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hold the camera in front of you, love.

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-Hello, love, what's your name?

-Anne.

-Hello, Anne.

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And tell me, which animal would you like to have sex with?

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A lion, because it goes rrraargh!

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You like a bit of that, do you?

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Have we got anybody else who's... We've got loads here.

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Lady in front, pass it to the lady in front.

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-Hello.

-Hello, what's your name?

-Cherry.

-Hello, Cherry.

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Pull it back, it's not a microphone.

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Lovely! And which animal would you like to have sex with?

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-A three-toed sloth.

-A three-toed sloth?

-Yeah.

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They have very short attention spans, they sleep an awful lot,

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and I thought they might be quite cuddly.

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Aww! Isn't that lovely?

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You could just say you don't want to have sex at all.

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Thank you very much. I have got a bit of confession.

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You've told me yours, I've got a bit of a confession for you guys.

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I think I might fancy gorillas. I do, I just like a hairy man.

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It just feels like a natural progression.

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I was in Bristol Zoo last year, and one definitely gave me the eye.

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I read, though, that gorillas have got tiny cocks.

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But it's OK, because they've got massive fingers.

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And imagine the cuddling afterwards, they'd be so warm

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you could probably even take your nightie off.

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I've got a habit of watching animal clips on the internet.

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I'm just about to go to bed,

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and I go, "I'll just have one more clip of cats and then I'll go to bed."

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Then it says, "If you like that one, you might like this one."

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Feels a bit like single men watching porn. "Just one more!"

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And as happens with porn,

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the more cat clips I watch, the more extreme I need them to be.

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I've seen it all. Cats in boxes,

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cats in baths, cats reacting to printers.

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I need something more! I need something harder!

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Oh, two cats cuddling in a sink.

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Ohh, there it is.

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I wish I knew more about animals.

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What I need is an expert off the telly.

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Please welcome a man who dances with wolves, swims with dolphins,

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and can tell us exactly what bears do in the woods.

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It's the star of Springwatch, Chris Packham.

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APPLAUSE

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-Welcome to the show.

-Thank you.

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Now, why do you do Springwatch every year? Isn't it mostly the same?

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Do you ever feel like bringing a wolf in to jazz it up a bit?

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I do, actually.

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I often think, if I had a little sneaky tiger out the back,

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we could let that go at 8:35, it would really start something, wouldn't it?

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OK. Well, maybe think about that for next year.

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-Yeah.

-I'm glad I've helped.

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Let's have a little look at you in action.

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There've been days, I've been rambling through the countryside

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and I fantasise that I creep into an old barn,

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and find a 1950s racing Ferrari

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which I purchase from the farmer for just £100

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because he doesn't know better.

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But it's never come true.

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Today, however, I wander around this headland fantasising that

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I look down into the water and see bobbing there black guillemots.

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Phwoar! Look, all three sets of feet together,

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it's a six footer! I'd go out with a black guillemot.

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Definitely. You'd look smart, wouldn't you?

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Tramping into the Ritz on a Saturday afternoon to tea

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with a black guillemot on your arm. I could go for that.

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Sometimes when I see something like a black guillemot or a white gyrfalcon

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or my favourite bird of all, which is a wallcreeper,

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then everything goes moist, to be honest with you.

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I know you think that's probably weird, but sometimes...

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I don't think I'm the only one that thinks it's weird.

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You know, birds are really good-looking animals.

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I like the look of feathers.

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-I prefer the feel of them to fur or hair or...

-Skin?

-Skin, yeah.

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Sometimes you have your favourite T-shirt on

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and you're listening to The Jesus And Mary Chain

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and you stop and open the window and it's just there!

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HE EXHALES LUSTILY

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APPLAUSE I mean, you know...

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You've made me warm now!

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What is the best way to kill a spider?

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There's no good way to kill a spider.

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Spiders have a great job to do, they're fantastic animals.

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-The only reason they come in is because your house is...

-Filthy.

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You got in before me. It's a crude facsimile of a cave.

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They'll eat the woodlice and take the flies out.

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But I can kill all them as well.

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You can't make choices like that.

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-You've got to be very tolerant of all life.

-No.

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I've been reading up on you. You've got something against pandas.

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What have you got against pandas, you big meanie?

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I haven't got anything particular against pandas.

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But I fear that we spend too much money looking after that one species

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when we have a limited amount of money to spend

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on conserving all of our species.

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It's gone heavier than I thought it was going to, to be honest.

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Pandas are no good at breeding.

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Pandas are a bear, essentially a carnivorous animal,

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which has ended up in the most overpopulated country in the world,

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-eating a very limited range of food.

-They're not very clever, are they?

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-No.

-Shall we just f... them off?

-Don't bet on a loser.

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"Don't bet on a loser"!

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I feel quite sorry for pandas now.

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You see, you can't say to me, I can't play God.

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You're playing God every time you stamp on a spider cos you don't like the look of it.

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Well, maybe if they didn't come in me house, I'd leave them alone.

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I'm the same with burglars. Just...

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What animal do you think there are too many of?

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In the UK, we have far too many domestic cats.

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SHE GASPS IN HORROR

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But I don't have one,

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but what about all the people who put the pictures up on the internet?

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APPLAUSE

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Do you think people have too many?

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Nine million domestic cats kill 60 million songbirds a year.

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So people spend a relative fortune feeding the birds

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and bringing them into their garden, and essentially,

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feeding them to their cats.

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-I see that as a disaster.

-It's just the food chain, though, isn't it?

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Sometimes you like a bit of quiet.

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God! You know, sometimes you just want to put a songbird on mute,

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and that's effectively what a cat is.

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As we saw earlier, you really love guillemots.

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We've got a really cute clip for you.

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This will be a challenge.

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It's a 150-metre drop, and they need to make it all the way to the sea.

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Here goes.

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AUDIENCE GROANS AND LAUGHS

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He falls short and survives the crash landing.

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AUDIENCE: Ohhhh!

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APPLAUSE

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Is everybody all right?

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Are you all right? You actually looked down when it happened.

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-I...

-It's pretty sad, isn't it?

-Well, what about the fox?

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The Arctic fox needs some food.

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It's got a den somewhere with some cutesy-wutesy foxes in...

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Oh, I should have shown them as well!

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Tearing apart the guillemot!

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They've eaten so much guillemot they can barely get out of the den.

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No, that's the cycle of life. Death is part of the cycle of life.

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But it's the emotional rollercoaster. The audience, awww!

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Ahhh. Ohh!

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Terrifying.

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So, Chris, as you may have heard earlier, I do fancy the odd gorilla.

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It's just something about them. Sometimes I can't even tell men and monkeys apart,

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which is where you come in. So it's time to play...

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Who wants to see a monkey's hair?

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"WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE" MUSICAL STING

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So, Chris. The question is, are the following man or monkey?

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Here's the first one.

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Now, that's definitely...

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I think because of the way that the hair pattern is lying there,

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that's ape.

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-That could be chimpanzee.

-OK, let's have a look.

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Wayne and Coleen on holidays there.

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And the next one.

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Oh my goodness me!

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AUDIENCE GROANS

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It's just so horrible, I'm going to say man.

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Let's have a look.

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AUDIENCE GROANS

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Imagine that on the beach! You must smell like a wet dog.

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And the next one.

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Most primates have quite naked lips, because they're very sensitive.

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So that hair overhanging the tongue

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-betrays a moustache, so I'm going for man for this one.

-OK, let's have a look.

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It's a monkey with a Mivvi!

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I think you did pretty well there. Well done.

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Thank you, thank you.

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-Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Packham!

-Thank you.

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APPLAUSE

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I'd like to look after wildlife,

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but I'm not putting fat balls out for the birds.

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I think a bloke from the RSPB made that up

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just so he could hear people say "fat balls" on the telly.

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Anyway, if I'm making snacks, they'll be for me.

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So it seems to me that dating and wildlife

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are both basically eating followed by shagging.

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The main difference being whether or not Bill Oddie is watching.

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Penguins mate for life but spend most of their lives apart.

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This seems to be the secret. That and separate bathrooms.

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Wild turtles just have sex then go their separate ways.

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You can do that when you've both got your own house.

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I love dating shows on TV. I still miss Blind Date.

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-Do you miss Blind Date?

-AUDIENCE: Yes!

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Especially the pensioner specials.

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They were really sweet, though, weren't they,

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with their videos of old people holding hands and sharing humbugs.

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"I'm 93, and I'm not looking for anything long-term."

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If dating is hard, breaking up is even harder.

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When I split up with a boyfriend once,

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we went for a meal to Frankie & Benny's.

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I was so upset, and I'm not saying this to garner pity,

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all I could do was cry and vomit.

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I kept running to the loo to vomit, coming back to cry, running to the loo...

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I felt like a supermodel.

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It was like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders.

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I was... "Maarrrgh" like this, and he was like this...

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His main course came with broccoli.

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You know sometimes a conversation sums up your entire relationship?

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Seven years together. I said, "You don't like broccoli."

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And he said, "Yes, I do. You just never got any in."

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Like I had the magic bloody keys to Asda.

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Whether I've needed it or not,

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there's always been someone in my life

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all too keen to dish out relationship advice.

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But to be fair to him, he's been married for 47 years.

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He's not here, but we can talk to him now

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thanks to the magic of the internet.

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APPLAUSE

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Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome my dad, Philip.

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Hello, Dad.

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-Say hello to the audience.

-Hello, audience!

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-AUDIENCE:

-Hello!

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They're all waving at you. Bless you.

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-You've been married to my mam for 47 years.

-Yes.

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Sound happier!

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So tell me about how you met me mam.

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Seemingly, this is what she told me,

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that when she first saw us,

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I had a sticking plaster just above me nose on me forehead.

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And she thought I'd been in a fight.

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And that I had a nice bum.

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Too much information, but anyway. Had you actually been in a fight?

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I hadn't been in a fight.

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It was a sticking plaster covering a huge burst zit.

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-SHE GIGGLES

-Awww! What a lovely story.

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So, tell me, have you got any advice for people like me,

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who might be courting or dating, what kind of advice could you give?

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You should endlessly talk. Something that I don't think couples do now.

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-I think you're right...

-You learn everything about them.

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-Tell me...

-You learn...

-Tell...

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Is this the kind of conversation you had with me mam?

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Didn't get a word in!

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So what kind of things did you talk about?

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What you're expecting out of life.

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Tell me what you expected out of life.

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-That I would have all mod cons.

-All mod cons.

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Televisions, washing machines, dishwashers, you name it,

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we've got it.

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-Also, we'd have children.

-I was wondering

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where I was going to come in.

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Noticeably after the washing machine.

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I was prepared to work me tits off to get it.

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I think we can all take a little bit away from that, can't we?

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Thank you very much. Everyone, my dad.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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People are a lot more blunt about sex these days.

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I went out with a bloke who said, "What do you do?"

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And I thought he meant for a job. Nope.

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He just listed things, and I went, "No, no, no.

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"Depends on my mood."

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"Not with a Crunchie."

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I found out the difference between sleeping with a man in his 20s and a man in his 30s.

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Generally speaking, sleeping with a man in his 30s,

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it's much better, but you've got to rub his legs afterwards for cramp.

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What I need now is a TV expert on sex and dating.

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I'm so bad at flirting, people ask me if I'm all right.

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And then look for my epi-pen.

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So please welcome the sex inspector, Tracey Cox.

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APPLAUSE

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-Hello.

-Hi.

-Thank you for coming on the show.

-Thank you for having me.

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Now, with a surname like yours, you were bound to end up in this field.

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Absolutely. Everyone says to me, did you make it up?

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I would have been a bit more original than Tracey Cox.

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You could've had a middle name of "Sucks" or something.

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Do you have to work your way up to be a sex inspector?

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Do you start at the bottom?

0:20:140:20:16

It's actually, often people say to me, you're called a sexpert,

0:20:180:20:22

what does it mean? It does sound like

0:20:220:20:23

I lie around with Calvin Klein models practising.

0:20:230:20:26

But actually it comes from a psychology degree specialising in sex therapy.

0:20:260:20:30

So it's all above board.

0:20:300:20:32

What do you think of speed dating?

0:20:320:20:34

Speed dating's brilliant,

0:20:340:20:36

because you can get through a lot of people in a short period of time, so to speak.

0:20:360:20:41

Do you think it's rude to carry on a conversation during sex?

0:20:430:20:47

Depends on the conversation. I think we should talk more during sex.

0:20:470:20:52

Is texting all right?

0:20:520:20:54

-Texting, no. But talking, yes.

-Not even if it's on silent?

0:20:560:21:00

It depends on what position you're in. If they can't see...

0:21:000:21:04

You can sometimes have a book on the go.

0:21:040:21:07

Is there a way to tell if you're any good at sex?

0:21:090:21:12

If you're into sex, it shows and you're much less inhibited in bed.

0:21:120:21:16

So I think you can tell. If you're out and trying to work out who'd be the best lay,

0:21:160:21:20

the best way is to look at whether they eat their food with gusto,

0:21:200:21:24

if they're very enthusiastic, if they laugh a lot, drink a lot.

0:21:240:21:27

I like the eating the food thing,

0:21:270:21:29

you could just imagine you're on the plate.

0:21:290:21:32

If you've got an appetite for life, you're generally good in bed.

0:21:320:21:35

I've got an appetite.

0:21:350:21:37

Do you think men are intimidated by you?

0:21:400:21:42

I am bossy. I remember with one guy, saying,

0:21:420:21:44

"Can you read chapter two, three and four of that book and get back to me?"

0:21:440:21:48

He was a bit like, "Whoa!"

0:21:480:21:50

That is brilliant!

0:21:500:21:53

"I've just bookmarked it for you,

0:21:530:21:54

-"I've turned the page over that I'd like you to concentrate on."

-I did do that!

0:21:540:21:59

I'm the only person that actually comes with an instruction manual.

0:21:590:22:03

It must be quite easy to please you. Just do a bit of reading first.

0:22:030:22:07

-It's not that much work.

-It's only 14 books.

0:22:070:22:10

14 books? And then they can have a go on you.

0:22:100:22:13

That's a lot of reading.

0:22:140:22:16

You must be pretty unembarrassable. Does anything embarrass you?

0:22:170:22:21

Um... No, not really.

0:22:210:22:23

I think I've heard it all by now.

0:22:230:22:24

I was in LA quite recently at a sex fair,

0:22:240:22:27

and I was on my stand, because I've got a range of sex toys...

0:22:270:22:30

Just hold on. Sex fair, and you had a stand?

0:22:300:22:34

-Is it like the WI but with vibrators?

-Yes.

-Yes. OK.

0:22:340:22:38

So I had my products there, I was looking over at a stand over here,

0:22:380:22:41

and it was all these male chastity belts.

0:22:410:22:44

-Were they metal?

-Some were metal, some were wood.

0:22:440:22:47

It was very odd.

0:22:470:22:49

Wood?! You'd have to get the Pledge out.

0:22:490:22:52

So you deal with body language as well.

0:22:580:23:00

What's my body language saying right now?

0:23:000:23:03

Because sort of...

0:23:030:23:04

I'm nervous, and I need a little bit of a wee,

0:23:040:23:07

but does that come across?

0:23:070:23:09

No, you look very relaxed.

0:23:090:23:10

The thing about body language is that you only notice it

0:23:100:23:13

if they're doing something out of kilter.

0:23:130:23:15

If I'm being interviewed and the person interviewing me is nervous,

0:23:150:23:18

they'll often do what's called leaking, where they...

0:23:180:23:21

I need a little bit of a wee, but I'm not going to go that far.

0:23:210:23:25

Your body leaks nervous energy.

0:23:250:23:28

You look composed there, then you see them jigging their leg underneath the table.

0:23:280:23:32

If you're not sure about flirting, is it OK to go straight to licking?

0:23:320:23:36

Flirting is not really my strong point.

0:23:410:23:43

So I've got a little bit of a cocktail party set up over there.

0:23:430:23:46

-OK.

-Let's go across and see if you can teach me some tricks.

0:23:460:23:49

-Of course.

-Let's do it. Excellent.

0:23:490:23:52

MUSIC: "Smooth Operator" by Sade

0:23:520:23:54

So where do we start?

0:23:570:23:59

OK, what you do is you match your flirting to the type of guy

0:23:590:24:03

that you're flirting with. It's different flirting for different guys.

0:24:030:24:07

Let's start with that gentleman, the silver fox guy.

0:24:070:24:10

So he's been around the block,

0:24:100:24:12

he's attuned to picking up signals.

0:24:120:24:14

-You can be sexy and sophisticated with him.

-OK, I'm going in.

0:24:140:24:18

# Smooth operator... #

0:24:180:24:21

-Hi.

-So what I'd like you to do is do what's called a neck display.

0:24:280:24:33

Pull your top down a little bit off the shoulder,

0:24:350:24:38

because it gives him a hint of what you can look like naked.

0:24:380:24:43

And then sort of pretend to massage your neck a bit.

0:24:430:24:45

This makes your breasts look perky.

0:24:450:24:48

-Occh! Oh!

-Also, it wafts pheromones in his direction.

0:24:480:24:51

Rude.

0:24:550:24:56

APPLAUSE

0:24:560:24:57

So, I mean, I followed your instructions

0:25:010:25:04

but that one didn't really work. Is there another type?

0:25:040:25:07

OK, maybe volume control, turn it down a bit.

0:25:070:25:10

-I barely said a word to him.

-OK.

0:25:100:25:14

Let's try somebody who looks a little bit shyer.

0:25:140:25:16

This guy's on his own. Looks a bit shy.

0:25:160:25:19

With shy guys, you want to not scare them off. So keep it very subtle and subliminal.

0:25:190:25:24

Hi.

0:25:260:25:28

When we meet people that we're attracted to,

0:25:280:25:31

our eyebrows flash up and down, we do it instinctively.

0:25:310:25:35

Invade his space at little bit. It's like a conversation opener.

0:25:350:25:39

Sort of adjust your clothing, maybe smooth them down around your hips.

0:25:420:25:47

That says, "I want to look attractive for you."

0:25:490:25:52

That worked(!)

0:25:560:25:58

Maybe, maybe...

0:25:580:26:00

I did the eyebrow.

0:26:000:26:02

The eyebrows were good, maybe turn that down a bit.

0:26:020:26:05

The preening, probably smooth down rather than pull up.

0:26:050:26:07

Good tip, thank you!

0:26:070:26:09

Is it true, I've read, it might have even been in one of your books,

0:26:090:26:14

that men like red lips or licked lips

0:26:140:26:16

-because it looks a bit like...

-HESITANTLY:

-..a vagina.

0:26:160:26:20

-Is that true?

-Absolutely true. It was... Well, it's in lots of books.

0:26:210:26:25

Especially if you've got a bit of a 'tache.

0:26:250:26:28

OK. Let's see. Let's just go for a really basic bloke type.

0:26:310:26:35

What about that muscley guy over there?

0:26:350:26:37

OK.

0:26:370:26:39

Hi. Clear off, bitch.

0:26:390:26:42

Not very good on a stool.

0:26:450:26:47

Cross and uncross your legs slowly.

0:26:490:26:53

Less Sharon Stone, more Kenny Everett, isn't it?

0:27:070:27:13

Draw attention to your mouth, lick your lips, maybe touch your mouth.

0:27:140:27:18

Talk to him, but pitch your voice low, so it's nice and husky.

0:27:230:27:27

-BUTCH VOICE:

-You all right, mate?

0:27:270:27:29

But, you know what, I've got a really nice boyfriend at home

0:27:370:27:41

and I got him by just being myself, so I think I might just stick with that.

0:27:410:27:45

-Thank you very much. Please give a round of applause to Tracey Cox.

-APPLAUSE

0:27:470:27:52

But if my relationship does go tits-up, I've got Tracey's number.

0:27:560:28:00

That's it for tonight.

0:28:000:28:01

I didn't have time to talk about shows like When Sharks Attack,

0:28:010:28:06

which would be great if they gave you an actual timetable.

0:28:060:28:09

They tried Where Sharks Attack, but it's basically the sea.

0:28:110:28:15

And we haven't had time to touch on Snog, Marry, Avoid,

0:28:150:28:18

or as I like to call it, Top Gear.

0:28:180:28:21

Good night!

0:28:210:28:22

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