Episode 1 The Sarah Millican Television Programme

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello, and welcome to The Sarah Millican Television Programme,

the show that dines at the buffet of TV

while choosing to ignore the salad bar.

I absolutely love telly and it's taught me all I know.

I've learnt loads about antiques from watching Antiques Roadshow.

I like it when they find out what Grandma's vase is worth

and they pretend they would never sell it.

"No, I'd never sell this vase. It reminds me too much of me nana."

"20 grand? For that much, I'll even wash her ashes out of it."

I've learned that men love Match Of The Day.

I only like the post-match interviews.

They'd never work in women's football, would they?

"What do you think went wrong today?"

"Well, if you don't know...."

And Newsnight has taught me a lot of things.

It's taught me that I wouldn't like to live with Jeremy Paxman.

"You're avoiding the question. Answer the question!"

"OK, I might have moved the kitchen scissors into the lounge.

"On one occasion, and for that misunderstanding,

"I will give a full and public apology."

I won't go to bed without watching Newsnight. Honestly, it's brilliant.

Sends me right off.

I don't even need a milky drink,

much to my boyfriend's disappointment.

So, tonight I'm going to be looking at two of my favourite types of TV.

Dating shows and nature programmes.

That's two separate things, of course.

Unless you're watching Take Me Out.

Now, when I was a bairn, I was obsessed with wildlife programmes.

I once asked me mam, "Did Dad climb on your back to make me?"

Watching wildlife programmes with family can be tricky,

especially older members. The sex stuff.

Plus the bit where the older member of the herd

is pushed out to die alone.

While the younger members carry on.

"Bet you're glad we're not elephants, eh, Nana!"

She couldn't hear.

There weren't enough chairs in the front room.

A four-foot child can fit into the mouth of a hippopotamus.

I'm guessing who found that out isn't allowed to baby-sit any more.

My sister and I had pets, and often had a rabbit each,

but I refused to play ball when naming them.

She wanted them to be a duo, and I always spoilt it.

So we had Bubbles and Smokey.

Starsky and Snowy.

And Cagney and John.

My rabbit got out once and dug up the corpse of my sister's hamster.

If only it were possible to high-five a rabbit!

Some people like animals too much.

A survey said 275,000 Swiss people have had sex with an animal.

Which makes you wonder if those giant cowbells

are actually a rudimentary rape alarm.

So let's ask the audience, if you had to have sex

with a wild animal, what would it be?

Give us a wave if you've got an answer.

The lady there. Shall we get the Milli-cam?

We've got a little camera, if you pass it across,

hold the camera in front of you, love.

-Hello, love, what's your name?

-Anne.

-Hello, Anne.

And tell me, which animal would you like to have sex with?

A lion, because it goes rrraargh!

You like a bit of that, do you?

Have we got anybody else who's... We've got loads here.

Lady in front, pass it to the lady in front.

-Hello.

-Hello, what's your name?

-Cherry.

-Hello, Cherry.

Pull it back, it's not a microphone.

Lovely! And which animal would you like to have sex with?

-A three-toed sloth.

-A three-toed sloth?

-Yeah.

They have very short attention spans, they sleep an awful lot,

and I thought they might be quite cuddly.

Aww! Isn't that lovely?

You could just say you don't want to have sex at all.

Thank you very much. I have got a bit of confession.

You've told me yours, I've got a bit of a confession for you guys.

I think I might fancy gorillas. I do, I just like a hairy man.

It just feels like a natural progression.

I was in Bristol Zoo last year, and one definitely gave me the eye.

I read, though, that gorillas have got tiny cocks.

But it's OK, because they've got massive fingers.

And imagine the cuddling afterwards, they'd be so warm

you could probably even take your nightie off.

I've got a habit of watching animal clips on the internet.

I'm just about to go to bed,

and I go, "I'll just have one more clip of cats and then I'll go to bed."

Then it says, "If you like that one, you might like this one."

Feels a bit like single men watching porn. "Just one more!"

And as happens with porn,

the more cat clips I watch, the more extreme I need them to be.

I've seen it all. Cats in boxes,

cats in baths, cats reacting to printers.

I need something more! I need something harder!

Oh, two cats cuddling in a sink.

Ohh, there it is.

I wish I knew more about animals.

What I need is an expert off the telly.

Please welcome a man who dances with wolves, swims with dolphins,

and can tell us exactly what bears do in the woods.

It's the star of Springwatch, Chris Packham.

APPLAUSE

-Welcome to the show.

-Thank you.

Now, why do you do Springwatch every year? Isn't it mostly the same?

Do you ever feel like bringing a wolf in to jazz it up a bit?

I do, actually.

I often think, if I had a little sneaky tiger out the back,

we could let that go at 8:35, it would really start something, wouldn't it?

OK. Well, maybe think about that for next year.

-Yeah.

-I'm glad I've helped.

Let's have a little look at you in action.

There've been days, I've been rambling through the countryside

and I fantasise that I creep into an old barn,

and find a 1950s racing Ferrari

which I purchase from the farmer for just £100

because he doesn't know better.

But it's never come true.

Today, however, I wander around this headland fantasising that

I look down into the water and see bobbing there black guillemots.

Phwoar! Look, all three sets of feet together,

it's a six footer! I'd go out with a black guillemot.

Definitely. You'd look smart, wouldn't you?

Tramping into the Ritz on a Saturday afternoon to tea

with a black guillemot on your arm. I could go for that.

Sometimes when I see something like a black guillemot or a white gyrfalcon

or my favourite bird of all, which is a wallcreeper,

then everything goes moist, to be honest with you.

I know you think that's probably weird, but sometimes...

I don't think I'm the only one that thinks it's weird.

You know, birds are really good-looking animals.

I like the look of feathers.

-I prefer the feel of them to fur or hair or...

-Skin?

-Skin, yeah.

Sometimes you have your favourite T-shirt on

and you're listening to The Jesus And Mary Chain

and you stop and open the window and it's just there!

HE EXHALES LUSTILY

APPLAUSE I mean, you know...

You've made me warm now!

What is the best way to kill a spider?

There's no good way to kill a spider.

Spiders have a great job to do, they're fantastic animals.

-The only reason they come in is because your house is...

-Filthy.

You got in before me. It's a crude facsimile of a cave.

They'll eat the woodlice and take the flies out.

But I can kill all them as well.

You can't make choices like that.

-You've got to be very tolerant of all life.

-No.

I've been reading up on you. You've got something against pandas.

What have you got against pandas, you big meanie?

I haven't got anything particular against pandas.

But I fear that we spend too much money looking after that one species

when we have a limited amount of money to spend

on conserving all of our species.

It's gone heavier than I thought it was going to, to be honest.

Pandas are no good at breeding.

Pandas are a bear, essentially a carnivorous animal,

which has ended up in the most overpopulated country in the world,

-eating a very limited range of food.

-They're not very clever, are they?

-No.

-Shall we just f... them off?

-Don't bet on a loser.

"Don't bet on a loser"!

I feel quite sorry for pandas now.

You see, you can't say to me, I can't play God.

You're playing God every time you stamp on a spider cos you don't like the look of it.

Well, maybe if they didn't come in me house, I'd leave them alone.

I'm the same with burglars. Just...

What animal do you think there are too many of?

In the UK, we have far too many domestic cats.

SHE GASPS IN HORROR

But I don't have one,

but what about all the people who put the pictures up on the internet?

APPLAUSE

Do you think people have too many?

Nine million domestic cats kill 60 million songbirds a year.

So people spend a relative fortune feeding the birds

and bringing them into their garden, and essentially,

feeding them to their cats.

-I see that as a disaster.

-It's just the food chain, though, isn't it?

Sometimes you like a bit of quiet.

God! You know, sometimes you just want to put a songbird on mute,

and that's effectively what a cat is.

As we saw earlier, you really love guillemots.

We've got a really cute clip for you.

This will be a challenge.

It's a 150-metre drop, and they need to make it all the way to the sea.

Here goes.

AUDIENCE GROANS AND LAUGHS

He falls short and survives the crash landing.

AUDIENCE: Ohhhh!

APPLAUSE

Is everybody all right?

Are you all right? You actually looked down when it happened.

-I...

-It's pretty sad, isn't it?

-Well, what about the fox?

The Arctic fox needs some food.

It's got a den somewhere with some cutesy-wutesy foxes in...

Oh, I should have shown them as well!

Tearing apart the guillemot!

They've eaten so much guillemot they can barely get out of the den.

No, that's the cycle of life. Death is part of the cycle of life.

But it's the emotional rollercoaster. The audience, awww!

Ahhh. Ohh!

Terrifying.

So, Chris, as you may have heard earlier, I do fancy the odd gorilla.

It's just something about them. Sometimes I can't even tell men and monkeys apart,

which is where you come in. So it's time to play...

Who wants to see a monkey's hair?

"WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE" MUSICAL STING

So, Chris. The question is, are the following man or monkey?

Here's the first one.

Now, that's definitely...

I think because of the way that the hair pattern is lying there,

that's ape.

-That could be chimpanzee.

-OK, let's have a look.

Wayne and Coleen on holidays there.

And the next one.

Oh my goodness me!

AUDIENCE GROANS

It's just so horrible, I'm going to say man.

Let's have a look.

AUDIENCE GROANS

Imagine that on the beach! You must smell like a wet dog.

And the next one.

Most primates have quite naked lips, because they're very sensitive.

So that hair overhanging the tongue

-betrays a moustache, so I'm going for man for this one.

-OK, let's have a look.

It's a monkey with a Mivvi!

I think you did pretty well there. Well done.

Thank you, thank you.

-Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Packham!

-Thank you.

APPLAUSE

I'd like to look after wildlife,

but I'm not putting fat balls out for the birds.

I think a bloke from the RSPB made that up

just so he could hear people say "fat balls" on the telly.

Anyway, if I'm making snacks, they'll be for me.

So it seems to me that dating and wildlife

are both basically eating followed by shagging.

The main difference being whether or not Bill Oddie is watching.

Penguins mate for life but spend most of their lives apart.

This seems to be the secret. That and separate bathrooms.

Wild turtles just have sex then go their separate ways.

You can do that when you've both got your own house.

I love dating shows on TV. I still miss Blind Date.

-Do you miss Blind Date?

-AUDIENCE: Yes!

Especially the pensioner specials.

They were really sweet, though, weren't they,

with their videos of old people holding hands and sharing humbugs.

"I'm 93, and I'm not looking for anything long-term."

If dating is hard, breaking up is even harder.

When I split up with a boyfriend once,

we went for a meal to Frankie & Benny's.

I was so upset, and I'm not saying this to garner pity,

all I could do was cry and vomit.

I kept running to the loo to vomit, coming back to cry, running to the loo...

I felt like a supermodel.

It was like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders.

I was... "Maarrrgh" like this, and he was like this...

His main course came with broccoli.

You know sometimes a conversation sums up your entire relationship?

Seven years together. I said, "You don't like broccoli."

And he said, "Yes, I do. You just never got any in."

Like I had the magic bloody keys to Asda.

Whether I've needed it or not,

there's always been someone in my life

all too keen to dish out relationship advice.

But to be fair to him, he's been married for 47 years.

He's not here, but we can talk to him now

thanks to the magic of the internet.

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome my dad, Philip.

Hello, Dad.

-Say hello to the audience.

-Hello, audience!

-AUDIENCE:

-Hello!

They're all waving at you. Bless you.

-You've been married to my mam for 47 years.

-Yes.

Sound happier!

So tell me about how you met me mam.

Seemingly, this is what she told me,

that when she first saw us,

I had a sticking plaster just above me nose on me forehead.

And she thought I'd been in a fight.

And that I had a nice bum.

Too much information, but anyway. Had you actually been in a fight?

I hadn't been in a fight.

It was a sticking plaster covering a huge burst zit.

-SHE GIGGLES

-Awww! What a lovely story.

So, tell me, have you got any advice for people like me,

who might be courting or dating, what kind of advice could you give?

You should endlessly talk. Something that I don't think couples do now.

-I think you're right...

-You learn everything about them.

-Tell me...

-You learn...

-Tell...

Is this the kind of conversation you had with me mam?

Didn't get a word in!

So what kind of things did you talk about?

What you're expecting out of life.

Tell me what you expected out of life.

-That I would have all mod cons.

-All mod cons.

Televisions, washing machines, dishwashers, you name it,

we've got it.

-Also, we'd have children.

-I was wondering

where I was going to come in.

Noticeably after the washing machine.

I was prepared to work me tits off to get it.

I think we can all take a little bit away from that, can't we?

Thank you very much. Everyone, my dad.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

People are a lot more blunt about sex these days.

I went out with a bloke who said, "What do you do?"

And I thought he meant for a job. Nope.

He just listed things, and I went, "No, no, no.

"Depends on my mood."

"Not with a Crunchie."

I found out the difference between sleeping with a man in his 20s and a man in his 30s.

Generally speaking, sleeping with a man in his 30s,

it's much better, but you've got to rub his legs afterwards for cramp.

What I need now is a TV expert on sex and dating.

I'm so bad at flirting, people ask me if I'm all right.

And then look for my epi-pen.

So please welcome the sex inspector, Tracey Cox.

APPLAUSE

-Hello.

-Hi.

-Thank you for coming on the show.

-Thank you for having me.

Now, with a surname like yours, you were bound to end up in this field.

Absolutely. Everyone says to me, did you make it up?

I would have been a bit more original than Tracey Cox.

You could've had a middle name of "Sucks" or something.

Do you have to work your way up to be a sex inspector?

Do you start at the bottom?

It's actually, often people say to me, you're called a sexpert,

what does it mean? It does sound like

I lie around with Calvin Klein models practising.

But actually it comes from a psychology degree specialising in sex therapy.

So it's all above board.

What do you think of speed dating?

Speed dating's brilliant,

because you can get through a lot of people in a short period of time, so to speak.

Do you think it's rude to carry on a conversation during sex?

Depends on the conversation. I think we should talk more during sex.

Is texting all right?

-Texting, no. But talking, yes.

-Not even if it's on silent?

It depends on what position you're in. If they can't see...

You can sometimes have a book on the go.

Is there a way to tell if you're any good at sex?

If you're into sex, it shows and you're much less inhibited in bed.

So I think you can tell. If you're out and trying to work out who'd be the best lay,

the best way is to look at whether they eat their food with gusto,

if they're very enthusiastic, if they laugh a lot, drink a lot.

I like the eating the food thing,

you could just imagine you're on the plate.

If you've got an appetite for life, you're generally good in bed.

I've got an appetite.

Do you think men are intimidated by you?

I am bossy. I remember with one guy, saying,

"Can you read chapter two, three and four of that book and get back to me?"

He was a bit like, "Whoa!"

That is brilliant!

"I've just bookmarked it for you,

-"I've turned the page over that I'd like you to concentrate on."

-I did do that!

I'm the only person that actually comes with an instruction manual.

It must be quite easy to please you. Just do a bit of reading first.

-It's not that much work.

-It's only 14 books.

14 books? And then they can have a go on you.

That's a lot of reading.

You must be pretty unembarrassable. Does anything embarrass you?

Um... No, not really.

I think I've heard it all by now.

I was in LA quite recently at a sex fair,

and I was on my stand, because I've got a range of sex toys...

Just hold on. Sex fair, and you had a stand?

-Is it like the WI but with vibrators?

-Yes.

-Yes. OK.

So I had my products there, I was looking over at a stand over here,

and it was all these male chastity belts.

-Were they metal?

-Some were metal, some were wood.

It was very odd.

Wood?! You'd have to get the Pledge out.

So you deal with body language as well.

What's my body language saying right now?

Because sort of...

I'm nervous, and I need a little bit of a wee,

but does that come across?

No, you look very relaxed.

The thing about body language is that you only notice it

if they're doing something out of kilter.

If I'm being interviewed and the person interviewing me is nervous,

they'll often do what's called leaking, where they...

I need a little bit of a wee, but I'm not going to go that far.

Your body leaks nervous energy.

You look composed there, then you see them jigging their leg underneath the table.

If you're not sure about flirting, is it OK to go straight to licking?

Flirting is not really my strong point.

So I've got a little bit of a cocktail party set up over there.

-OK.

-Let's go across and see if you can teach me some tricks.

-Of course.

-Let's do it. Excellent.

MUSIC: "Smooth Operator" by Sade

So where do we start?

OK, what you do is you match your flirting to the type of guy

that you're flirting with. It's different flirting for different guys.

Let's start with that gentleman, the silver fox guy.

So he's been around the block,

he's attuned to picking up signals.

-You can be sexy and sophisticated with him.

-OK, I'm going in.

# Smooth operator... #

-Hi.

-So what I'd like you to do is do what's called a neck display.

Pull your top down a little bit off the shoulder,

because it gives him a hint of what you can look like naked.

And then sort of pretend to massage your neck a bit.

This makes your breasts look perky.

-Occh! Oh!

-Also, it wafts pheromones in his direction.

Rude.

APPLAUSE

So, I mean, I followed your instructions

but that one didn't really work. Is there another type?

OK, maybe volume control, turn it down a bit.

-I barely said a word to him.

-OK.

Let's try somebody who looks a little bit shyer.

This guy's on his own. Looks a bit shy.

With shy guys, you want to not scare them off. So keep it very subtle and subliminal.

Hi.

When we meet people that we're attracted to,

our eyebrows flash up and down, we do it instinctively.

Invade his space at little bit. It's like a conversation opener.

Sort of adjust your clothing, maybe smooth them down around your hips.

That says, "I want to look attractive for you."

That worked(!)

Maybe, maybe...

I did the eyebrow.

The eyebrows were good, maybe turn that down a bit.

The preening, probably smooth down rather than pull up.

Good tip, thank you!

Is it true, I've read, it might have even been in one of your books,

that men like red lips or licked lips

-because it looks a bit like...

-HESITANTLY:

-..a vagina.

-Is that true?

-Absolutely true. It was... Well, it's in lots of books.

Especially if you've got a bit of a 'tache.

OK. Let's see. Let's just go for a really basic bloke type.

What about that muscley guy over there?

OK.

Hi. Clear off, bitch.

Not very good on a stool.

Cross and uncross your legs slowly.

Less Sharon Stone, more Kenny Everett, isn't it?

Draw attention to your mouth, lick your lips, maybe touch your mouth.

Talk to him, but pitch your voice low, so it's nice and husky.

-BUTCH VOICE:

-You all right, mate?

But, you know what, I've got a really nice boyfriend at home

and I got him by just being myself, so I think I might just stick with that.

-Thank you very much. Please give a round of applause to Tracey Cox.

-APPLAUSE

But if my relationship does go tits-up, I've got Tracey's number.

That's it for tonight.

I didn't have time to talk about shows like When Sharks Attack,

which would be great if they gave you an actual timetable.

They tried Where Sharks Attack, but it's basically the sea.

And we haven't had time to touch on Snog, Marry, Avoid,

or as I like to call it, Top Gear.

Good night!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd