Episode 6 The Sarah Millican Television Programme

This programme contains some strong language.

APPLAUSE

Hello!

Hello, and welcome to

The Sarah Millican Television Programme,

the show that kneels at the altar of TV

before realising it can't get up without some help.

I absolutely love telly and it's taught me everything that I know.

-We all love Frozen Planet, don't we?

-AUDIENCE: Yes!

The only programme on the telly that makes you put a cardie on.

David Attenborough is like your uncle.

But without the tendency to hug you

just a bit too long once you've turned 15.

I've learnt a lot about crime from watching Sherlock.

In the one I saw, he deduced a visitor had been to Tunisia,

owned three dogs and had attended his ex-girlfriend's birthday.

Well done, Sherlock. I can look on Facebook, as well.

Sherlock, of course, is played by Benedict Cumberbatch.

What a name - Cumberbatch.

Sounds like something Paul Hollywood has just taken out of the oven.

I do find it disappointing when my Cumberbatch doesn't rise.

LAUGHTER

But apparently, it can happen to anyone.

I've learnt that there's no better entertainment

than a good Saturday night extravaganza like Strictly.

I don't think I could ever go on Strictly.

I worry that just before doing one of the lifts,

Brendan Cole would turn to me and say, "Actually, you better lift me."

LAUGHTER

I'm not into dancing at all.

I think you dance at your wedding, and then again when he dies.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

So tonight I'm going to be talking about

two of my favourite types of TV.

Crime shows and medical programmes.

On the telly, all doctors seem to be part-time investigators, don't they?

The closest I get to that

is when my doctor tells me to list my recent partners.

LAUGHTER

I love Casualty. I only ever watch the first five minutes, though.

It always starts with someone saying, "Don't be silly.

"I've been tightrope walking without a protective helmet for years."

LAUGHTER

"Yes, in stilettos.

"Oh, the chainsaw helps me balance."

LAUGHTER

Did you know that there are people whose job it is

to be a professional casualty for hospital dramas

and ambulance training?

It's a bit awkward when they fancy a day off, though.

They have to call in healthy.

"I woke up this morning and I feel fantastic.

"I won't be in for a couple of days."

All the actors in those programmes have to learn the technical terms.

For years, I thought a defibrillator

was something that gets bobbly bits off your woolly jumper.

It's not that much of an emergency. Just keep your coat on.

But I've got those new parking sensors on my car,

and when I'm trying to get in a space,

for the fourth time, probably,

it sounds like someone dying in Holby City.

Beep, beep, beep-beep-beep-beep, beeeeeep.

Which was appropriate that one time with that poor fella.

LAUGHTER

I've got a friend who, for any injury,

can tell you how long the wait in A&E is.

They should put a chart on the wall like that.

Sprained ankle - two hours. Broken arm - three hours.

If you've got something up your bum - two minutes,

cos they want to see the nutters.

So if you cut your finger off, just stick it up your arse.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

At least at the end of most hospital dramas

you know if the medical procedure has worked.

If there was a homeopathic medical drama,

the episode would last for weeks.

And nothing would happen.

Just lots of gormless people saying, "I feel a bit better, thanks."

Don't worry about that. Homeopathic jokes never work.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

But you have to keep things formal with your doctor, don't you?

If you call them by their first name and then show them your bits,

it feels more like a first date.

"What do you think of that?"

My dad found out recently that he had gout.

My sister caught him on the computer looking at Gout.com.

He shouted down the stairs, "I've never even had any bloody pheasant!"

He had to go for a routine prostate examination recently.

Give us a cheer if you know what that involves.

-AUDIENCE CHEERS

-The men are like, "Muuuhhh!"

There's a lady there clapping.

He was a bit worried, as he hadn't had anything like that before.

And I said, "There's no need to worry.

"The doctor's done this a million times. It'll be fine."

And he said, "The problem is that I'm a bit constipated."

Well, actually, what he said was, "I'm a bit backed-up."

He was worried it would be less like an examination

and more like a game of Whac-A-Mole.

LAUGHTER

And he said, "I just want to get

"a couple of turds under me belt before the appointment."

Don't put them under your belt, Dad. They'll section you.

I've been wearing glasses since I was six, so for 30 years.

And at my last check-up,

the optician said my eyesight is improving.

You'd think I'd be thrilled, wouldn't you? But I was gutted.

There's a reason your eyesight is

supposed to get worse as you get older.

It's so that you can't see the full deterioration of your face.

You know when you see an old lady with a full tache,

and you think she's just given up?

She hasn't. She's blind as a bat

and she's looked in the mirror that morning

and gone, "Champion."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I love Embarrassing Bodies. What did people do before that show?

Maybe that's why there were more flashers then.

"Please don't scream.

"I just want to know if you've seen one this shape before."

OK, in case you haven't guessed it, I'm not really a medical expert.

I have dressed up as a nurse a couple of times.

I wore 70 denier tights and washed his arse with a cloth.

I can never see what men find so sexy about it.

So to help me through the icky world of TV medics,

please welcome the star of Embarrassing Bodies,

Dr Pixie McKenna.

APPLAUSE

-Welcome, Dr Pixie.

-Thank you.

-Let's have a look at you in action.

We're attaching specialist monitoring equipment

to Dr Pixie's body and brain,

so that Dr Lewis' assistant can measure how her brain behaves

under the influence of six units of neat vodka.

LAUGHTER

So how are you feeling now, Pixie?

I'm feeling a little bit squiffy, actually.

Could you say, "Sister Susie's sewing shirts for sailors"?

LAUGHTER

Sister Susie...sewing..shir...

No! Ha-ha!

APPLAUSE

So do you just get hammered for a living?

It's brilliant!

Now Doctor, Doctor, I'm suffering vaginal dryness.

It's not a joke.

I just wondered if you could suggest something.

Because you do talk a lot in your show about vaginal dryness.

I mean, I know vaginas are supposed to be moist,

but...like a fruit cake, or...?

LAUGHTER

..like, sponge. Not as dry as a meringue, not as sloppy as a trifle.

-Sponge is good.

-Like a good sponge!

Ha-ha! I like that a lot!

Erm, have you ever said to a patient, "What the fuck is that?"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Have you ever seen something that made you jump onto a chair?

Not quite jump on a chair, but sometimes...

-Smells are the things that get me.

-AUDIENCE: Eugh!

-Smells are bad.

-Are you good at sort of hiding that from your face?

Anyone who watches me knows I'm not good at hiding anything from my face.

I go...and make all these faces all the time, unfortunately.

That's good. Because then they know something's definitely wrong.

Let me ask you, how much sex should couples ACTUALLY have?

Like, what's the least amount you can get away with?

LAUGHTER

You know, the NHS says you should have sex every three days.

-The NHS?!

-Yes!

-What business is it of theirs?

If you want to have a baby, you should have sex every three days.

Oh, if you want to have a baby. That's a totally different question.

You can extrapolate that rule to your daily life, don't you think?

Every three days?

It's healthy, it's calorie-burning.

-Is it?

-It's free.

-Hmm...

It may be financially free, but it's not emotionally free.

You set up special units in supermarket car parks, don't you?

Everywhere. We crop up everywhere.

How bad can it be, if somebody's willing to show it in a Portakabin?

The good thing about that is they always have the RAC.

Someone can join the RAC and get their knob checked at the same time.

Of course they can!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Now, Dr Pixie, I'd like your diagnosis

on some genuine X-ray pictures that we've found,

-if that's all right.

-Oh, I'm no good at anatomy!

LAUGHTER

-Honestly!

-You might be quite good at these.

No, I called the liver the lung. I failed.

-You called the liver the lung?

-Yes.

I'm not surprised you failed anatomy.

-That's why you just stick to giblets now.

-Exactly!

OK, let's have a look at the first one.

What do you think's going on here?

-Any ideas?

-No ideas. This isn't an exam, is it?

Yeah, we are going to mark you at the end.

No. That is a bullet. Now, wouldn't you think that it would

probably be best to get that out of you?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Well, this is actually

84-year-old Fred Gough from the West Midlands,

who's had that inside him for 67 years.

After unknowingly being shot in World War II.

How are you unknowingly shot? In the almost nadgers?

LAUGHTER

OK, what about the next one? What is your diagnosis for this one?

I know that one! I'd say that's a key!

That is a key! This is student Chris Foster,

who swallowed his key

to stop his friends taking him home.

And finally, let's have a look at the last one, then.

AUDIENCE GASPS

Anybody spot what it is? Can you spot what it is, Dr Pixie?

I have no idea what that is.

This unfortunate man got a Buzz Lightyear action figure...

AUDIENCE SHRIEKS AND LAUGHS

.."accidentally" stuck up his bum.

How does that work?

"Honest, I just slipped."

Shame it wasn't a Woody.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"You've got a friend in me."

Well, this has been way more fun than a usual trip to the doctor.

Ladies and gentlemen, Dr Pixie McKenna. Thank you!

APPLAUSE

I also love TV about crime and shows like Watchdog.

It's good to pick up tips.

For example, if someone asks you for your mother's maiden name

and the name of your first pet, you're either being scammed,

or they're trying to find out your porn star name.

Thousands of people fall for scams every year.

The Nigerian bank account one, the bogus timeshares one,

and Children In Need.

Apparently, that one's real.

I sent £5 to the World Wildlife Fund for a panda.

Still haven't got one.

But I have got a card from the Post Office saying

there's something I need to collect.

The crime series The Wire was so popular in the USA

that it caused crime to go down in some areas

while criminals watched it.

Until the DVD came out,

and shoplifting went through the roof.

Me and my fella bought the box set for Christmas last year,

instead of getting engaged.

We thought it was a longer-term commitment.

I had my phone stolen when I was in France last year.

We were in a restaurant and there was a bloke

asking for money from people sat outside.

We were inside, cos I don't like wasps.

Or the French.

He had a sheet of paper with some French on it.

Unless it had said, "Ou est le supermarche?"

Or "J'aime la discotheque," we had no chance.

We decided to not make eye contact with him.

He came over, put his sheet of paper down,

lifted it back up, and left, taking my mobile phone with him.

All sleight of hand.

Like a really shit close-up magic trick.

The restaurant called the police, and within five minutes

an unmarked car with three plain-clothes policemen arrived,

and whisked my boyfriend away to help try to spot him in the street.

He was off having the adventure of a lifetime with three armed coppers,

running into Metro stations going, "Piew! Piew! Piew!"

What noise does a French...

What noise does a French gun make?

-"Clunk! I surrender!"

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The thing is, my boyfriend is no good at faces.

And bearing in mind this was a man we had purposely not looked at.

He's so bad at faces I'm surprised he's never picked up

the wrong girlfriend from the train station.

"Hi, babes. I thought you were coming to pick me up."

"There's a lady in the car.

"She's wearing glasses.

"I wondered why you looked cross."

We were burgled once a long time ago. It's horrible, isn't it?

And they took everything that had a plug. Everything electrical.

Except the telly.

It was an old telly with a wood veneer

and they just left it.

But they took the remote.

I mean...so not only have I still got a rubbish telly,

now I've got to do exercise to turn it on.

Now that's obviously a horrible crime,

but what crimes are actually all right?

You know, like stealing stationery from work is all right, isn't it?

Yeah. People going, "Yeah."

But I wonder if you should ask about that at your interview.

You know, for the job?

"Have you got the proper Bics or just the shit ones?"

I think eating food as you go around the supermarket is fine too.

Sometimes I end up at the till with just a small bag of barcodes.

LAUGHTER

Driving with a headlight out.

I mean, a car, not the boob.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I know someone who knows a lot about crime.

He's not here, but we can speak to him by the magic of the internet.

They've told me there's some kind of

lightweight head stuff I have to put on.

LAUGHTER

AUDIENCE CHEERS AND WHISTLES

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome my dad, Phillip.

APPLAUSE

-Hello!

-All right?

-How are you?

Champion!

We've been talking about crime.

Now you've had something quite recent happen to you,

haven't you, on Bonfire Night?

You were like the victim of a crime, I suppose, weren't you?

Well...crime...

I was busy opening my garage door.

I'd put the car away, and a young lad rode by on his bike

and threw a lit firework at me.

Oh, my God! So what happened after he threw the lit firework at you?

-I caught it.

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So he clearly hadn't realised that you're something of a superhero?

So you caught the lit firework, and then?

I went into the back lane

-and I threw it back at him.

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

SHE LAUGHS

And where did it land?

In the hoodie on the back of his jacket.

I hoped and prayed that it would explode

and blow his bloody head off.

We'll probably cut that bit from the telly programme.

Up until then, you sounded like a bit of a hero.

But after that you just sound...

I don't know, like a scary old man.

Thank you very much, Dad. Let's give him a round of applause.

That's all right, darling.

APPLAUSE

Now, the king of crime shows is Crimewatch, isn't it?

A mate of mine rang Crimewatch to say that she'd seen the crime.

Turns out she'd seen the reconstruction being filmed.

"He had an accomplice who seemed to powder his nose a lot.

"The getaway van was very distinctive.

"On the side, it said BBC TV. I hope that helps."

So what I need here is an expert.

Someone who is a loose cannon, wants another 24 hours.

It's his last case and he's too old for this shit.

He breaks the rules but he always gets results.

Ladies and gentlemen, please say 'allo, 'allo, 'allo

to ex-copper and Crimewatch star, Rav Wilding.

APPLAUSE

-Hello.

-Hello.

-Thank you very much for coming on the show.

-Thanks for having me.

-So, Rav, I love your work. I've always been a big fan.

-Let's have a look at some of your highlights.

-OK!

Eugh!

AUDIENCE WHOOPS

And another?

-And another.

-Oh, no!

I have to ask, when you were in your police uniform,

did people not just think you were a stripper?

-HE LAUGHS

-Erm, I did get hit on a few times.

But it was normally from, well...

prostitutes and drug addicts.

That's not being hit on, love.

-They're touting for business.

-Oh, OK!

If you have to pay for a date, it's not going well.

You were in the army, the police,

-and you were a security guard.

-Yes.

Are you on UniformDating.com?

Because I went on there

and I ended up with a trombonist from the Salvation Army.

Have you met any crazy criminals?

Have you ever met any...?

Well, yeah, I worked eight years in Peckham, so there's a fair few.

But there was this one guy that I nicked

and I sent him off to court.

I didn't hear anything and a year later, I got a call saying,

"Rav, can you come down to the front office?

"There's this guy, he's desperate to see you. He will not go away."

And I came down and it was the same fella that I nicked a year before

for having this dodgy passport.

He had this massive smile on his face and he was like,

"Hello! You're the best! You're the best!"

And I was like, "Where have you been?" He said, "In jail."

He's been in jail because of me, but he wanted to thank me

because he had such a lovely time in prison

because he was put in prison by the guy off the telly.

So whenever one of my shows was on, he was like,

"That's the one that put me in here!"

He was like this little celeb!

So he dined out on that story for a year?

-Well, dined in, I suppose, didn't he?

-He did, yeah.

Now, I spend a lot of time in strange cities late at night

and I was wondering if we could try something.

Like, imagine I'm alone waiting for a bus. It's dark, it's dangerous.

It's Gateshead.

-Come with me, come with me. Don't be scared.

-OK.

LAUGHTER

TRAFFIC NOISES

OK, now I want you to go and hide.

If you hide in the shadows, if that's all right.

-And then see if you can sneak up on me. Is that OK?

-I'll give it a go.

I bet you can't.

So I'd probably have a bit of music on.

Best of Disney.

Ha-ha! You think I'm joking. Ha-ha!

# Under the sea... #

LAUGHTER

It's cold. I probably should have put a coat on.

Huh...it's Gateshead, though.

It's illegal.

-Oh, oh! Oh, my God!

-Ha-ha!

-Oh, my God!

That was really good and slightly arousing.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So is...hee-hee-hee!

Is there a way that I could have protected my bag better?

I thought I had a good hold of it, because I was holding it as well.

Definitely. It's wide open, for starters.

But the zip, the flappy bit's come off the zip.

Well, fix the flappy bit, then!

Because not only could someone take the bag,

they could put their hands in...

There's something buzzing in there! You might want to sort that out.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Buzzin' for you.

-He-ey!

So is it true that there are things in your bag

that you could use as weapons?

Yeah...is the answer,

but only if you take them out as a proper object.

So say you had an umbrella there to keep you dry.

If someone attacked you

and you used the umbrella to defend yourself, that's OK.

But if you took it out on a hot, sunny day

because it would be a great weapon, that's not allowed in the eyes of the law.

But what if the weather's changeable?

-I like your thinking!

-You don't check your bag very much.

-You just leave it like that for years.

-I like your thinking.

So there's potential that you could have to use it to keep you dry.

Exactly. So it's just about having a good story when you've maimed a man.

I can do stories.

So let me show you things I've got in here that might be quite useful.

I've got keys. I'm not actually a security guard but I could be.

Oh, wowzers. Yeah, keys can be very good.

You can put them in between your fingers, you can scratch with them.

You can do a lot with those.

Even if someone attacks you, lob that at them.

It's a distraction technique.

If you've done that, when you use them again

you'd have to make sure you cleaned all the meat off,

otherwise it wouldn't get in the door.

The meat would be very good, because you'd get the DNA off it.

Oh, scrape the meat off into a little plastic bag. I like it!

So other things I've got...

I've got heavy-flow Tampax.

That can make any man run.

And he's got a rough idea what my temperament's going to be.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I've got tweezers. Tweezers are good?

Yes, because you'd pluck a hair and, again, get the DNA from that.

You really think I'm just going to hold him down?

I'm going to gouge his bloody eyes out!

Although I do sometimes pluck them from my boyfriend's nostrils.

-Oh! And it must hurt.

-It brings tears to his eyes, yeah.

-Do you want a...?

-I'd rather not.

-OK. I'm just offering.

Oh, I've got a woolly hat. And I've found this is quite useful as well.

Because if you put it on...I'll show you...if you put it on like that,

but you pull it up a bit so it's a bit, you know...

-LAUGHTER

-I used to do this on the way in.

I used to have a really dodgy journey into work.

It was six in the morning, it was dark,

I had to walk along a dual carriageway.

So I'd put my hat on, pull it up,

and I'd sing When The Saints Go Marching In

quietly under my breath.

Because the way to avoid the nutter is to BECOME the nutter.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Untouchable!

What about this one?

I don't know if I could do anything with this one.

What about this,

erm...this black belt that I got off my karate instructor last week?

Can I do anything with that?

My mum used to do that when she was a student nurse.

She used to have a black belt hanging out her bag when she'd walk home.

-Really?

-Yeah, they were scared!

So what, I just wrap that around somebody's neck or something?

Or do that!

-Thank you very much for all of your tips.

-No problem.

Guys, give him a round of applause, Rav Wilding!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

That's it for tonight.

We haven't talked about the daytime soap, Doctors.

If you don't like going to see your GP, just keep watching that.

What you've got is bound to come up sooner or later.

On that, or Pet Rescue.

We didn't have time to talk about NHS Direct.

But we have talked about Doctors,

which is where they would have directed you anyway.

To be fair, on the phone they can't see you.

They're playing sickness Battleships.

"B4!"

"Hit! You've sunk me testicle."

Good night!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd