Episode 5 The Sarah Millican Television Programme


Episode 5

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Transcript


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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hello!

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Hello and welcome to The Sarah Millican Television Programme,

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where I tell TV, I love it,

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and then get jealous that it's seeing other presenters.

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I love television - it's taught me everything I know.

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I love The Apprentice...

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a show where Lord Sugar fires people who don't actually work for him.

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It's like me ringing Colin Firth and saying, "It's not you, it's me."

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When they get fired, they have to get straight in a taxi,

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which, ironically, is driven by the bloke who won Series 3.

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I love Total Wipeout.

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It's pure light entertainment.

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It's lots of people falling off things into water.

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Basically, You've Been Drowned.

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Richard Hammond mocking people for minor mishaps...

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it's like George Michael criticising your parking.

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I've learned much while watching Crimewatch.

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If you're going to commit a major crime,

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get your hair done and put some lippy on,

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so you don't look like shite in the reconstruction.

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Basically, on Crimewatch,

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it's the police, saying, "We can't do this, can you help us out?"

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It would be like on Embarrassing Bodies, the doctor saying,

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"Do you know what the hell this is?"

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"Shall we just cut it off?"

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Tonight, I'm going to talk about two different types of TV programmes -

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sport and entertainment.

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I don't mean when you watch someone do the long jump,

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and there's dog dirt in the sand.

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Sport is on telly all the time, you just can't avoid it.

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It's like PE at school.

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Remember in the infant school,

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when you just wore vests and pants for PE?

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One summer day, I was wearing a sundress with no vest,

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so, when it came to PE, I was just wearing pants.

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None of them found me a vest.

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The teacher made everyone do it just in their pants.

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I'm pretty sure if I could remember her name,

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I could get her arrested...

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Mrs Pullin.

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People say PE lessons are a valuable preparation for life.

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Yes, without PE, your first experience

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of standing crying in your pants

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would be in your 30s,

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in a fitting room, in Top Shop.

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I hated the communal showers in PE.

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I didn't need a shower anyway,

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because I never got picked for anything.

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I just put things away at the end.

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Honestly, how much of a sweat can I work up,

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putting hockey sticks back in a cupboard?

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According to statistics, PE was most people's worst experience at school.

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It came ahead of bullying!

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"Please punch me in the face - it'll get me out of rounders."

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I wasn't a very good swimmer.

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When we did our 25 metres,

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the pool that we did it in was really small,

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so we had to do corner to corner to corner to corner.

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I've never been very good at swimming on my front -

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I've always been better on my back.

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I was so nervous of hitting my head, that I turned too quickly,

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so instead of getting a 25 metres badge,

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they gave me a certificate for 10 metres,

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as I'd just done a little circle in the middle.

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I was better than my friend, Debbie, though.

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She was so rubbish at swimming, she didn't think anyone would notice

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if she just walked across the pool.

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As long as she did the arms.

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It was so tragic that nobody had the heart to tell her

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that we could see her legs because it was water!

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She was like a rubbish Jesus!

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They let us try fancy sports at school,

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and I found out I'm pretty good at javelin.

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But it turns out it's judged on distance, not height.

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I was also good at darts as a child.

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I nearly always hit the wooden square on the wall

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and, occasionally, the round felt bit in the middle.

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That was at an after-school club we had called Tiddlers,

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where we'd drink tea,

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watch old films and play darts.

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I've got a horrible feeling that I was dropped off at an old people's home.

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In netball, it was always the popular girls

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that were asked to pick teams, and I was usually picked last.

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There was even a time when one team decided

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they would rather be a man down than have me on their side.

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-AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

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But once, just once, the teacher asked me if I'd like to pick a team.

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Of course I bloody did.

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So I picked every girl in that class who had glasses or an inhaler...

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..a wonky eye, club feet, braces or a sling.

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I built myself a team of mutants.

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Or as I like to call them, my friends.

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We'll trip people up with our crutches.

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We'll see the ball better with our jam-jar glasses.

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We'll obscure the opponent's vision with our massive perms.

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If this was a Hollywood film, we would've won,

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but it wasn't -

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it was a comprehensive school in South Shields.

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We got slaughtered.

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For most of those girls,

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it was the first time they'd held a netball

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when not putting it in a cupboard.

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Some people continue doing PE as an adult.

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Some people even hire personal trainers to be mean to them

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and motivate them to lose weight.

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Or you could just get married to the wrong man.

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The last time I was in a gym, they were called leisure centres.

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I was only really interested in vending machines.

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But to be fair, you can work up a sweat

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if your Double Decker gets stuck and you have to shake it loose.

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A friend of mine once saw a woman Immac-ing her nunnie

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in the changing room at the gym.

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She popped it on, but you know you've got to keep them separate.

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She had her legs apart for 15 minutes while it worked.

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Another friend saw a man on a treadmill eating a Happy Meal.

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With the Olympics coming up,

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people will get motivated to be more active.

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I feel the same when Wimbledon starts and I want to play tennis.

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Or when Delia Smith's on the telly and I want to eat.

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Or when Gary Barlow's on the telly...

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and I want to eat.

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I ate a bar of Dairy Milk recently.

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Recently! It's still in my teeth.

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When I'd finished, I noticed it said on the wrapper,

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"Dairy Milk are proud sponsors of the Olympics,"

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and I thought, "Oh, my God, have I just done a sport?"

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What I need is an expert from the telly to teach me about sport.

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If a red-faced man in a pub ever tells you

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that women don't know about sport,

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just saying her name will instantly shut them up.

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Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome top BBC sport presenter,

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Clare Balding.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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-Hello.

-Hello.

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Thank you for coming on the show.

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Do you actually watch the sport when you're presenting,

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even if it's something shit, like golf?

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-I love golf.

-Really?

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I commentate on golf for the radio.

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So the Open golf, I had Phil Mickelson on the final day -

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none of this will mean anything - but I was very excited.

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For ten holes, he played magic golf. It was amazing, then he fell apart.

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-Magic golf?

-Magic golf.

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Is that like crazy golf?

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Yes, it was like crazy golf. It was so exciting.

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-Get it in the windmill.

-Over the bridge, brilliant.

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Have you ever been commentating on a sport and thought,

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"Oh, my God, I've just forgotten all of the rules to this?"

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-Frequently, yes.

-So, you've got no idea if they're doing well or not?

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Not so much you've got no idea whether they're doing well,

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but you sometimes go blank.

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I presented darts once.

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And only once.

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At the end of it, as I was going live for the final link,

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I couldn't remember the name of the guy who'd won it.

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Seriously, I couldn't.

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I just thought, "Oh, please come." So I kept the sentence going and... "Wonderful scenes here.

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"Congratulations to..."

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And as I went "to", the name popped into my head.

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You didn't just say, "The big fat one!"?

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Next time.

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-You can have that as a standby.

-That's good.

-You're welcome.

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At school, were you always picked first for games?

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No, I'm quite crushed by that and damaged psychologically.

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I just commentated on them and I found myself with a career.

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Sort of get your own back.

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-Yes, totally.

-I like that.

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-On all those bitches.

-Yeah.

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Now, you love horses,

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but you know what happens to horses when they're not very good?

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D'you...

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D'you ever...

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D'you ever use a Pritt Stick and get sad?

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LAUGHTER

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"Aw..."

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"I knew him."

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-I actually might cry.

-Really?

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-That's awful.

-Could you do it to camera?

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They've a very good retraining of racehorses charity set up

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that makes sure that racehorses that don't want to race any more,

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they can do something else, train for something else.

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-What else do they do?

-My dad trained...

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My dad trained a horse for the Queen once called Forge,

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and he ended up not liking racing at all and became an extra in films.

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-He was in that series, Trainer. Do you remember that?

-Oh, yeah.

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He decided... They had this shot at Newbury Racecourse.

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They did the race many times, and by the third go,

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he thought, "I don't like this," so he lay down.

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"I'm not doing any more of this,"

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and that is why he wasn't a good racehorse.

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-Quite a diva.

-Yeah, he was. "Get me off set!"

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"I want my own caravan."

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Is it a caravan? It's a trailer, isn't it? Not a caravan!

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I'd make a rubbish diva! "I want a caravan."

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"Take your trailer and stuff it up your arse!"

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I have sat on a horse once, only once ever, and it hurt my nunnie.

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Then it stood on my sister's foot,

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and we thought, "We're never going to a school fair ever again."

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But I was a little bit worried that I might have lost my virginity.

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It had never been sore down there before.

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Is it possible to lose your virginity?

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I don't think it's possible to lose your virginity,

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but I think, way back in Victorian times,

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they would make women ride side-saddle

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to make sure there wasn't the danger of legs spread.

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-Legs akimbo.

-Yeah.

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Maybe when they got married,

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their husband would think they weren't a virgin but they were.

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-Wow.

-Yeah.

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-He'd have his torch out and that, wouldn't he?

-Yeah.

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That's amazing, but maybe after that, they're allowed to ride a horse properly.

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I think sometimes it's a good excuse.

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"Oh, I've just been riding... a lot."

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"I've just been on a horse."

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It's been great talking to you.

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-Has it?

-It really has,

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but I'm not very good at ending these conversations.

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As you know, a good finish is very important.

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So what I need is an expert to help me out,

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someone who knows about big finishes.

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Please welcome, world champion gymnast, Beth Tweddle.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Thank you for coming on the show. How are your Olympic preparations?

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Training is going really well.

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I start competition season soon,

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so that'll be a kick-start to 2012 and getting me moving.

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You could actually win gold. It's very exciting, isn't it?

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Yes, everything is going my way at the minute,

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but it's just about what happens on the day.

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Looking forward to the challenge

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and hopefully I can end that career with an Olympic medal.

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You're effectively doing roly-polies for a living.

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-Is that a job?

-I'd like to say so.

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Some people, including my boyfriend, would disagree.

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He quite often says I'm a bit of a bum, I don't do anything.

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But I call it a job.

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You must be really good at sex, though, mustn't you?

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Ever been getting it on with your boyfriend

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and stopped to chalk your hands?

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You'll have to ask him about this.

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So, Beth, I'm looking for a big finish for my chat with Clare

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and when I was little, me and my sister bought some leotards,

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not as spangly as yours, but they were nice.

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We didn't bother with the gymnastics -

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we'd just wanted to do the ta-da at the end.

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That was the only bit we were interested in.

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As a world champion, you've obviously done a lot of ta-das.

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You're clearly very good at it.

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Let's have a look at what you're going to teach me.

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Yeah, I've got a few skills I'm going to show you -

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keep a close eye and you can have a go next.

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OK, deal.

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APPLAUSE

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CHEERING

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Oh!

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Oh!

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That was amazing.

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Your boyfriend is very lucky.

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Is there any chance I could just do a forward roll?

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-Yes, but there's one condition.

-OK.

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A really good ta-da, but can we call it a "pre-SENT"?

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Is that what it's called? A present?

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Rather than a little ta-da, a nice present.

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So you do, "Present!"?

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-Without the sound effect, yes.

-Really? Am I not allowed to say it?

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Taking the fun out of sport, isn't she?

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-Let's do it. Shall we do it?

-Yes.

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-Clare, would you mind commentating?

-Oh, love to.

-Excellent, let's do it.

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Well, this is quite some story at the Olympics of 2012.

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This girl has come from nowhere.

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She has limited athletic ability

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and absolutely no certificates,

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apart from something proving she can swim 10 metres.

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Sarah Millican will now attempt the forward roll,

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looking for a clean entry,

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a clean exit, rhythm and balance in between.

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And she goes into a forward roll. She struggles to get up.

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Lovely present to finish.

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What a finish from Sarah Millican,

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and the flowers come onto the stage.

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The audience here in London go mad.

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What a sensational performance from Sarah Millican.

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Oh, thank you very much. That was fantastic, thank you.

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APPLAUSE

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Thank you and good luck in London. Beth Tweddle, everybody.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And thank you for the brilliant commentary, Clare Balding.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Now, one of my favourite entertainment shows on the telly

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is Strictly Come Dancing,

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but I would never want to go on in case I never got picked.

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Strictly would be better if it was more like a nightclub,

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where you have to signal to your friends to rescue you

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if Anton du Beke sidles up.

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ITV has got Dancing On Ice,

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which is basically Strictly with a bigger insurance budget.

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Apparently, they tried to get Brucie to host it, but unfortunately,

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the local scouts kept coming round and gritting the stage...

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and asking if he needed anything doing.

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Dancing On Ice is like someone saw Strictly and went,

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"It's good, but it's just not gay enough."

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Let's be honest, though - talent show wise,

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everything has been done, hasn't it?

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We're down to finding

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Britain's best opera-singing, one-legged break-dance crew

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who are doing it for their nanas.

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People want to go on The X Factor

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because they think it'll change their lives, and it does.

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They can't go out any more, because people think they're shit!

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Did anyone here play a musical instrument at school?

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Recorder.

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That's not an instrument, flower.

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It's just a fancy rape alarm.

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It would have the same effect, wouldn't it?

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SHE SCREECHES

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I tried playing the clarinet at school.

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My teacher told me I needed to practise in the summer holidays

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for three hours every day.

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I was in the middle of the Sweet Valley High books.

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He had no chance.

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I took the clarinet box in to the teacher after the summer holidays

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and blew the dust off it.

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He understood.

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It's a shame you can't do that with boyfriends.

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"You haven't touched him for six weeks, have you?"

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"Do you want to stop?" "Yes, please."

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"Did you blow it even once?"

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LAUGHTER

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"I can't get a note out of it."

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APPLAUSE

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My one and only talent is I can do a horn.

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SHE MIMICS A SQUEAKY HORN

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I can't do it without doing me hand, though. Always have to do the hand.

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MIMICS HORN

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MIMICS HORN TWICE

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My fella and I were once in HMV,

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and he was thrilled that he knew the track that they were playing.

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As we got to the till, the next track came on, and he knew that too.

0:19:250:19:28

"Still got it!"

0:19:280:19:30

We asked what it was, and the lad behind the counter said

0:19:300:19:33

it was called The Best Dad Album In The World Ever.

0:19:330:19:36

I love Glee, and, in some ways, my school was very similar.

0:19:400:19:43

Overwhelmed with emotion,

0:19:430:19:45

someone would burst into song in the hallway,

0:19:450:19:47

then everybody would join in...

0:19:470:19:49

kicking and punching them till they stopped.

0:19:490:19:52

At one school disco,

0:19:520:19:54

we were encouraged to bring our own mix tapes.

0:19:540:19:57

Momentarily forgetting how uncool my music taste and I were,

0:19:570:20:00

I handed my favourite one in.

0:20:000:20:02

Halfway through the night, they played it. I was thrilled.

0:20:020:20:06

First song, Kylie Minogue's Got To Be Certain.

0:20:060:20:08

I could see the other kids looking around as if to say,

0:20:080:20:11

"Whose tape's this? We must immediately stop bullying her

0:20:110:20:14

"and show her how to do her hair properly."

0:20:140:20:17

It was all going so well until the opening bars of Al Jarreau's theme from Moonlighting.

0:20:170:20:22

# Some walk by night... #

0:20:220:20:24

MUSIC CUTS ABRUPTLY

0:20:240:20:26

It's like living it all again(!)

0:20:260:20:29

So, what I need is an expert from the telly to teach me

0:20:290:20:31

about all things showbiz.

0:20:310:20:33

He can put his left foot in, he can put his left foot out,

0:20:330:20:35

and I'm pretty sure he can shake it all about.

0:20:350:20:38

Please welcome the star of Pineapple Dance Studios

0:20:380:20:40

and Dancing On Ice, Louie Spence!

0:20:400:20:42

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:20:420:20:45

Thanks very much for coming on the show, Louie.

0:20:500:20:53

Now, let's see a little bit of you in action.

0:20:530:20:55

DRUMBEAT PLAYS IN BACKGROUND

0:20:550:20:58

That was just my intro music. I have that every morning.

0:21:090:21:13

I just can't help myself!

0:21:170:21:19

How do you deal with your shyness?

0:21:210:21:23

I don't know! I really don't.

0:21:230:21:25

Apart from the shyness and having an impediment, you know, it's hard.

0:21:250:21:28

It is hard being me.

0:21:280:21:30

But it must be hard to come out of your shell every once in a while,

0:21:300:21:33

-cos you're so quiet, normally(!)

-It was never hard for me to come out!

0:21:330:21:36

Happened a long time ago!

0:21:360:21:38

I came kicking out the womb, "Hey!"

0:21:380:21:41

See, my best dance move is the boob dance. Do you know the boob dance?

0:21:430:21:46

Well, you're giving me a bit of competition there, actually.

0:21:460:21:49

Is it going to be that one?

0:21:490:21:51

Well, whatever you do, it doesn't matter about the bottom half.

0:21:510:21:54

You always have your arms in the air, cos then your boobs look fantastic. That's what I do.

0:21:540:21:58

Then your boobs are pointing where they're supposed to be rather than resting at me belly.

0:21:580:22:02

Sometimes when I'm at home and I'm naked...

0:22:020:22:04

You know when sometimes you're naked

0:22:040:22:05

but you're talking about boring things with your partner, logistics,

0:22:050:22:09

"What time are you going to be in?" that sort of thing.

0:22:090:22:12

And I just put me arms up and hold the doorframe.

0:22:120:22:15

It makes me tits look amazing!

0:22:150:22:17

He's never noticed that it looks really weird.

0:22:170:22:21

What's the weirdest place you've ever broken into dance?

0:22:210:22:24

Well, I mean, for me, it's not really weird to break into dance anywhere,

0:22:240:22:28

-cos if I hear a bit of music...

-It's expected.

-Exactly.

0:22:280:22:30

I suppose funerals aren't really a great thing to go, you know...

0:22:300:22:33

-On top of the coffin.

-A quick tap dance, you know what I mean?

0:22:330:22:37

Their favourite tune comes on, and there's me in the background, "Wo-o-oah!"

0:22:370:22:40

Have you ever danced your way out of a fight?

0:22:420:22:44

You know what, I may have danced my way into one, not out of one.

0:22:470:22:50

Louie, you might have gathered that I don't know anything about dance.

0:22:530:22:57

-No.

-That's quite clear.

0:22:570:22:59

I've got a list of dance moves here.

0:22:590:23:00

Um, do you think you can show me what they are?

0:23:000:23:02

-Can I show you what they are?

-Yeah. Come with me, pet.

0:23:020:23:05

APPLAUSE

0:23:050:23:07

Now, they're going to come pretty thick and fast, OK?

0:23:140:23:17

That's how I like 'em, darling! LAUGHTER

0:23:170:23:20

They say it's the girth that takes your breath away!

0:23:200:23:22

Let's see how many you can do against the clock. Are you ready?

0:23:260:23:29

Right.

0:23:290:23:31

MUSIC: "It's Like That" by Run DMC

0:23:310:23:34

Vogue.

0:23:340:23:36

Hootchy kootchy.

0:23:370:23:39

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:23:390:23:41

Robot.

0:23:430:23:44

AUDIENCE CLAP ALONG

0:23:440:23:46

-Krumping.

-AUDIENCE:

-Whoo!

0:23:470:23:50

SARAH LAUGHS

0:23:510:23:53

Mashed potato.

0:23:530:23:55

Mashed potato - that one?

0:23:550:23:57

Funky chicken.

0:24:000:24:03

LAUGHTER

0:24:030:24:05

No, no, no!

0:24:060:24:07

Funky chicken!

0:24:100:24:11

The Lasso.

0:24:150:24:16

-AUDIENCE:

-Wo-o-oo!

0:24:170:24:20

-Eat the pasty.

-What?

0:24:240:24:26

Eat the pasty!

0:24:260:24:27

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:24:290:24:31

I made that one up!

0:24:310:24:32

Running man.

0:24:350:24:36

CHEERING

0:24:370:24:40

Charleston.

0:24:400:24:42

CHEERING

0:24:430:24:45

The Cossack.

0:24:470:24:48

Woo-hoo-hoo!

0:24:500:24:52

CHEERING

0:24:520:24:54

The Caterpillar.

0:24:560:24:57

And your final one...

0:25:040:25:06

..is the Get Off Dance.

0:25:080:25:10

Ladies and gentlemen, Louie Spence!

0:25:100:25:13

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:25:130:25:15

SARAH LAUGHS

0:25:180:25:20

Get off!

0:25:200:25:22

That's it for tonight.

0:25:350:25:36

Unfortunately, we didn't have time to talk about

0:25:360:25:38

Andrew Lloyd Webber's search for Nancy.

0:25:380:25:41

If Andrew Lloyd Webber is ever searching for the Child Catcher

0:25:410:25:44

from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, he should just look in the mirror.

0:25:440:25:47

LAUGHTER

0:25:470:25:50

We didn't have time to mention Popstar To Operastar -

0:25:500:25:52

surely the easiest way to go from one to the other

0:25:520:25:55

is just to eat loads.

0:25:550:25:57

-LAUGHTER

-Good night!

0:25:570:25:59

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:25:590:26:01

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:26:240:26:27

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