Episode 4 The Sarah Millican Television Programme

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello and welcome to my new show

where I celebrate my love of all things TV and pray that it never leaves me.

-Don't leave me, TV.

-LAUGHTER

-I'm having your baby.

-LAUGHTER

I love television. It's taught me everything I know.

When I'm watching Casualty, I like to add a bit of realism

-by waiting for six hours on a plastic chair before I watch it.

-LAUGHTER

On MasterChef, Gregg Wallace really knows a thing or two about ingredients.

-People are constantly trying to dip soldiers in his head.

-LAUGHTER

They always say, "Cooking doesn't get tougher than this". Oh, really?

Try making a roast dinner for eight people with your mother-in-law standing over your shoulder saying,

-"Oh, you make gravy like that, do you?"

-LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Tonight I'm going to be talking about some of my favourite TV programmes - makeover shows.

You know, like property or going through people's wardrobes.

I'd like to see a property show where they decorate your house

-in a really disgusting way just for a laugh.

-LAUGHTER

Whatever happened to Changing Rooms?

LAUGHTER

I'm not very domesticated and a bit of a hoarder.

I read that the secret to creating the illusion of space is decluttering.

-I might just get rid of the oven.

-LAUGHTER

The rule is, anything you haven't touched in the last six months, dump it. Or him, as the case may be.

LAUGHTER

When I was clearing out my kitchen cupboards, I found a Christmas pudding from 1988.

-LAUGHTER

-It was fine with a bit of custard on.

LAUGHTER

I've only ever made one cake and it was for my ex-husband. That's not the reason that he's ex, by the way.

It's probably one of the reasons. He said, "That'll be lovely with a bit of custard on".

When people offer to put custard on something, it's never a compliment, is it?

Imagine the first night in bed with a new partner

and he looks at your whojamiwatsit and says, "That'd be lovely with a bit of custard on."

LAUGHTER

Well, why's that, then? "It's a bit dry."

LAUGHTER

-And whose fault's that?

-LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I also found a tin of marrowfat peas that I'd won in a raffle in 1995.

-I was clearly keeping them for Armageddon.

-LAUGHTER

I mean the real thing, I don't mean just sitting down to watch a Bruce Willis film,

thinking, "You know what would go perfect with this?"

-"Really old marrowfat peas."

-LAUGHTER

I've also got a pineapple cutter.

It produces pineapple rings in a big sort of pineapple dildo.

LAUGHTER

-Or Louie Spence as he's known.

-LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I'm not home much these days. I spend a lot of time in hotel rooms on tour

and all I really want when I get in is a bath with my book and a cup of tea.

I stayed in a hotel in Bristol and when I got into my room, there was only a shower.

-So I rang down, and that's rang with a telephone, I didn't run down.

-LAUGHTER

-Bloody idiot.

-LAUGHTER

I rang down and said, "Is there any chance I could swap to a room with a bath?"

The fella said, "There are no baths in this building

"but there is an Apple Mac in every room."

LAUGHTER

I said, "Well, unless there's a bath app..."

LAUGHTER

"..I'm not really interested."

So I did what you'd all do if you were in a hotel room with time on your hands.

I put the glass over the plughole and thought, "Well, I'll see how high I can get the shower, then".

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-I got it about a foot high.

-LAUGHTER

But my book was ruined and my tea just tasted of warm water.

LAUGHTER

I live in a small flat and I'm thinking of moving at the moment.

I viewed a flat once that had windows painted on the living room wall, painted on.

I didn't know they had wildebeest in Gateshead.

-LAUGHTER

-Well, mebbes on a Saturday night.

-LAUGHTER

-That's not going to fool you, though, is it?

It's like being lonely and painting a person on the wall.

-LAUGHTER

-Or being horny

-and having a cardboard cut-out of Dermot O'Leary.

-LAUGHTER

-I imagine.

-LAUGHTER

I went to see one place that the estate agent described as "a single man's flat lacking a woman's touch".

The living room had a telly and computer pulled really close to an armchair

-with a pair of underpants in a bag underneath.

-LAUGHTER

-Behold the Wankertron 3000!

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Lacking a woman's touch? What, the flat or the owner?

LAUGHTER

You know, what I need is an expert off the telly to help me through all things domestic.

-She's touched up more old wrecks than Catherine Zeta Jones.

-LAUGHTER

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome star of Beeny's Restoration Nightmare, Sarah Beeny!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much for coming on the show.

Now, there's not much you don't know about property makeovers. Let's have a look at you in action.

Graham and Sarah decide to vent their frustration...

..by unblocking the original alcove.

It's very therapeutic, smashing a wall down, I have to say.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Wow.

What do you think it is about property advice that men find so sexy?

-LAUGHTER

-I think they think I'm really, really strict and I think...

SHE LAUGHS

They think I'm going to say, "You need to get your drill out

"and get your hammer out and do as you're told!"

-And you quite rightly just save that for your husband, don't you?

-LAUGHTER

Let's have a look at the house. Look at that. Wow.

Does it not just feel a little bit like you're living in Downton Abbey?

-Do you ever shout for people to bring you biscuits?

-I do.

-It's got 97 rooms.

-Yeah.

-How many of those are toilets?

I'm a little bit obsessed with toilets, actually.

-Cos I like them to not look like...

-We've got a photo of one of your toilets.

-That, to me, just looks like a chair.

-Yeah. That was the plan.

But is that a good plan? You can't run over that with a Flash wipe. You'd have to get your Pledge out.

LAUGHTER

You've got... It looks really grand, and then you've got a little bin in the corner

-with what looks like a Sainsbury's bag.

-Yeah.

-LAUGHTER

That is a bad look.

LAUGHTER

People ask your advice a lot. Why don't they ask the proper questions like,

"Should I move in with my boyfriend even though my flat's better?"

-Do you know, they do.

-Do they?

-Because I also... I have a property website and I have a dating website.

-So you can combine the two.

-Yeah. Cos I'm thinking, now that we've got a property website,

you can buy and sell houses, and a dating website where you can meet someone, and a wedding venue,

-all I need to do is funerals and I've pretty much cleaned up.

-LAUGHTER

Maybe you could cast your expert eye over some of these pictures we found on property websites.

Have a look at this one advertising a flat in a converted church.

LAUGHTER

I didn't even know Jeremy Clarkson was moving, did you?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And we've got another one. Let's have a look.

-Now... Oh, yeah, people have spotted it. People have spotted it.

-LAUGHTER

If you have a quick glance out of the window...

LAUGHTER

..you can see a dog burying a bone there.

LAUGHTER

And we've got the next one.

Now, you might not be able to spot it straight away. Has anybody spotted it? Yep.

Look in the mirror.

LAUGHTER

But to be fair, at least we know the heating's working all right.

LAUGHTER

You've had quite a tough time on Restoration Nightmares. You're still renovating.

-We've pretty much finished the house now.

-We've got a shot of one of the finished room. Let's have a look.

-Hm. That's finished, is it?

-LAUGHTER

Well, just... I mean, if you don't mind, the picture on the left, you've got the string showing.

My dad always did it straight across the back really tight so you can't see the string. It's untidy.

-And you've got, like, half a table popping out there.

-LAUGHTER

-I'm assuming to other half's in the other room, is it?

-LAUGHTER

And I don't know what's on your telly on the right, but it looks like a very old programme.

LAUGHTER

Basically, if I'd designed this, this is how it would look.

LAUGHTER

So you've got a hot tub there, an ironing board already up, just for ease.

LAUGHTER

And if you can see, on the right out the window, we've got the dogs for you.

LAUGHTER

I've also got the man with his cock out on the left.

LAUGHTER

Actually, you know, I wasn't thinking that we'd be able to sell the house before,

-but now I'm thinking we need you in.

-You're welcome.

-LAUGHTER

So that is property sorted. Ladies and gentlemen, big round of applause for Sarah Beeny!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Thank you!

Now, I watch Cash In The Attic but wouldn't want them rummaging around at mine.

I don't have an attic, just a spare room

with a Christmas tree still full decorated.

-LAUGHTER

-And boxes of knackered vibrators.

LAUGHTER

-It's where sex goes to die.

-LAUGHTER

-Like Sex Toy Story 4.

-LAUGHTER

All the vibrators just chat and say, "No, she loved me the most".

LAUGHTER

It's awkward when people buy you things for your flat, especially your partner.

I had flu last year and my boyfriend said he was going to get me a present to cheer me up.

How lovely. I'm quite easy to cheer up. I like flowers and chocolates.

My favourite flowers are daffodils, which were in season at the time

and were everywhere in buckets for £1.

Chocolate-wise, I'm quite happy with a Twix or a Twirl. You're talking £1.60 and I'm champion.

-LAUGHTER

-He chose to disregard that relevant information

and came home with something that he thought was entirely appropriate, which was a Mr Potato Head.

LAUGHTER

-I still don't really know why.

-LAUGHTER

But ironically, when I opened it, I wanted to rearrange his bloody face.

LAUGHTER

People are responding to the recession in different ways. I quite fancy joining the WI.

In my head, it's just sewing badly while drinking tea with women in their 50s.

But I've heard it's quite strict. Especially the competitions.

My friend's mam once made a Victoria sponge

in a category where she was the only entrant. She wasn't even placed.

-LAUGHTER

-That's harsh.

Record numbers of men have taken up knitting recently.

Apparently the reason they like it so much is the repetition of movement.

LAUGHTER

In these times of austerity, what I need is an expert

to teach us how we can pull our horns in.

So coming to us direct from the city of London, please welcome BBC business editor Robert Peston.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, Robert. Thank you very much for joining us.

Great pleasure, Sarah.

You're the man who broke the news of the financial crash to the nation,

secured numerous groundbreaking scoops.

But what I really want to know is, are you really 51?

-LAUGHTER

-How do you stay looking so young, flower?

I'm told there's a painting in the attic somewhere, I'm not sure. LAUGHTER

Now, I'm sure we've all introduced our own austerity measures at home.

You know, buying own-brand jaffa cakes,

-splitting the ply of the toilet roll so it lasts us twice as long.

-LAUGHTER

Have you placed any austerity measures at home?

Oh, blimey. Erm... LAUGHTER

-Is that a no?

-I'll tell you what I have started doing.

I have started to make my own bread and it is much, much cheaper

than bought bread and so much nicer.

-Do you use a bread-maker?

-I do use a break-maker.

-Was the bread-maker very expensive?

-LAUGHTER

I knew you were going to get onto that. APPLAUSE

As a business editor, I have calculated the cost of each loaf,

taking into account the depreciation of the bread-maker, and I can tell you, it's still very good value.

-I bet you've done a spreadsheet, haven't you, flower?

-I'll send you it. Would you like to see it?

-No.

-LAUGHTER

The national debt, we owe £1.1 trillion.

That's nearly £16,000 per person. Who's been spending all of that?

LAUGHTER

-The audience don't look like they've been spending £16,000.

-LAUGHTER

-Not on their outfits, anyway.

-LAUGHTER

You and me, all of us, actually our indebtedness is bigger than the government's debt.

But the national debt is going up by about £5,000 per second.

Who the hell did we borrow the money off, Wonga.com?

LAUGHTER

All this money's been lost, effectively.

Has anyone ever asked a woman to look for the money? Because women are better at finding things.

Well, one of the things I did point out two or three years ago is

if you look at the people who got us into this mess,

almost all of them are men, so I think it's perfectly reasonable to say men are to blame,

and maybe, actually, if women had been in charge, we wouldn't be in such dire straits.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The World Bank. Now, we're currently in Manchester. Where's the closet branch?

LAUGHTER

The World Bank, you've got to go to Washington, I'm afraid. Sorry.

-Oh, really? The one in Tyne and Wear?

-LAUGHTER

Why do you want to go to the World Bank?

Just in case they did free balance transfers.

LAUGHTER

Now, I reckon, cos everybody is a member of a gym they don't go to,

if we all cancelled simultaneously, would that clear the national debt?

LAUGHTER

What about people like me who just aren't stupid enough to join a gym in the first place?

-You're the bright one.

-Excellent!

-You know what you want.

-Will you write that on a bit of paper and show my mam?

-LAUGHTER

-I've got my own theory of why Greece went bust. Do you want to hear it?

-Please.

Erm, it's because they didn't use the optics to pour spirits during the 90s.

LAUGHTER

For a laugh, have you ever been tempted to get a wheelbarrow full of fake money

and rush out of a bank shouting, "They've collapsed! Save yourselves!"?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It has to be said, occasionally people who want to be mean to me

re-show a clip of me on the Ten O'clock News at the height of the crisis,

and I made some remark about how, in this moment of crisis,

we should all be investing in shotguns and baked beans,

which unfortunately one or two people took seriously, I think.

If you had the shotguns, you wouldn't need the beans. That's why they didn't take you seriously.

Thank you so much for coming on the show, Robert.

So what you're basically saying, in summary, is we're screwed over the bins out the back.

-But it could be worse!

-It could be worse. Ladies and gentlemen, Robert Peston!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I love shows like How To Look Good Naked.

I'm lucky enough to have met Gok Wan and it was so hard not to get my bangers out

and shout, "Thanks for letting us have wobbly bits!"

Men don't really watch Gok's shows, which is weird as the women are naked.

I think to some men, naked women aren't as sexy if they're empowered.

-That's not really a joke, it's just a bloody good point, isn't it?

-LAUGHTER

Plus, a lot of men aren't that bothered about clothes.

-Gok should do an equivalent for men, How To Smell Good Naked.

-LAUGHTER

-Please!

-LAUGHTER

I always watch Britain & Ireland's Next Top Model with a big plate of food.

And sometimes try to feed chips through the telly screen.

LAUGHTER

But I have learnt a lot from it. My boyfriend wanted to take some saucy pics of me

and I was worried about what to do with my face.

-I know what to do with the rest, I'm not stupid.

-LAUGHTER

But thanks to Britain & Ireland's Next Top Model I have a few different faces.

-I know the one you're definitely not supposed to do, which is this one.

-LAUGHTER

I wanted to have a look at the photos to see what I look like.

-Turns out my head wasn't on any of them.

-LAUGHTER

I do like going shopping but I don't like shop assistants.

I don't like the ones that are overly helpful. I find it very claustrophobic.

-"Look, I just want to touch your jumpers."

-LAUGHTER

So I make them regret their helpfulness.

When they say, "Would you like the receipt in the bag?"

I say, "No, actually, could you post it to my accountant, please?"

LAUGHTER

I've had a few bad experiences in fitting rooms.

I once had to get cut out of a dress in Monsoon.

LAUGHTER

It's never a good day.

The woman said, "Stop crying, I'm going to get some scissors."

LAUGHTER

Whenever I hear on the news, "Monsoon kills seven"...

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

..I'm never that surprised.

It's probably suicide from the embarrassment.

So, let me ask the audience, what's the worst experience you've ever had in a fitting room?

We've got a lovely lady there with a nice sparkly scarf. Get the MilliCam, my little camera.

Just hold that, love. Oh, she's done this before, she's done it at a good height.

Don't do it too low, good height, excellent.

-What's your name, love?

-Helen.

-Hello, Helen, and what was your story about the fitting room?

Well, I've always been a big girl. But when I got married, I was slightly slimmer than I am now.

I was a size 16. Well-rounded.

So when I went to try my wedding dress on,

we went into a beautiful wedding place

and the lady said, "We've only got size 14 dresses."

And I said, "OK." She said, "But we'll try." So she took me into the fitting room.

And she put me in this beautiful wedding gown and it had laces at the back

and she struggled and struggled and got me into this size 14 dress.

And she turned me round and my breasts were hanging out.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

She then turned round and went, "Oh, you are well-endowed, we need to sort those puppies out,"

and proceeded to man-handle them into my dress.

-Tell me this ends by you punching her.

-LAUGHTER

Erm, no, it ended with me buying the dress. LAUGHTER

-Wow! Really?

-Yes, really.

-Is this your fella beside you?

-Yeah.

-Wow, you lucky, lucky man.

-LAUGHTER

That is a great story. Thanks very much, give her a round of applause!

APPLAUSE

I took some clothes into a fitting room in Marks and Spencer a few months ago

and the woman took me to the cubicle and she gave me the tag.

-And she said, "Just give me a shout if you need any bigger sizes."

-LAUGHTER

So I swished the curtain back really fast and said, "I think you'll find you mean different, you bitch!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

But the lights in fitting rooms are never very flattering, are they?

Well, now I know that I'd look great in a fridge or a hospital.

-But those lights are very good for plucking your tash.

-LAUGHTER

-Sometimes it's the only reason I go in.

-LAUGHTER

I heard a story about a woman who trimmed her pubes and put the clippings in an M&S bag.

-A month later she needed to return a pair of shoes.

-LAUGHTER

Put them in the M&S bag, took them back. You've got to think on your feet when things like that happen.

"And why are you returning them?"

-Cos they're covered in pubes.

-LAUGHTER

So when it comes to fashion, I need all the help I can get.

I want an expert from the telly. I'm not going to ask you lot, am I?

Please welcome the star of Britain & Ireland's Next Top Model

and chief inspector of the fashion police, superstar designer Julien Macdonald.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hello, lovely man.

-Hello.

-Hello, lovely to see you.

Hello, hello, hello. Thank you very much for joining us on the show.

Must have been hard for you to get into fashion cos you grew in Merthyr Tydfil.

-I did indeed.

-Did you ever vajazzle a miner?

-LAUGHTER

-ER, ER not OR. ER.

-LAUGHTER

Now you, as a designer, you've got to look great all the time.

Do you ever sneak out to the supermarket just in your jim-jams?

-No. Never.

-Not ever? I've picked up a curry once with no bra on.

-LAUGHTER

That must have been spicy! LAUGHTER

-I brought some of my clothes for you to have a look at.

-Wow!

-So you can tell me what you think. Is that OK?

-Are these them?

-Yeah. Let's do this.

I'm being very brave doing this.

-Wow! So this is it.

-Yes.

Well, you could've made more of an effort really, couldn't you?

-I've brought some of my best bits!

-What's this?

Well, it's got cats on it and I like cats.

I didn't... I actually didn't know you were a pussy woman.

LAUGHTER

-My friend said to me, "That's your I'm going to die alone top."

-LAUGHTER

I said, "But I won't, though, because I'll have all of my friends with us."

-LAUGHTER

-Do you not approve of animals on clothes.

-Oh, yeah, I love animals.

I'm wearing animals, as well, but we won't go into that.

LAUGHTER

Now what is this gorgeous brown smock? LAUGHTER

The word smock is never a compliment, is it?

See, I like it but it does look a little bit like a sofa, doesn't it?

Well, I would say like a brown sack, myself.

-Well, maybe I'm not as rude as you.

-LAUGHTER

Oh, my gosh!

-And I didn't buy them at the same time.

-You do like a shift, don't you?

-I love a shift. Sometimes I'm dying for a shift.

-LAUGHTER

-What could I wear that with?

-Well, obviously, you should wear it with your favourite thing

cos there's about 100 pairs of these gorgeous black leggings.

There's some jeggings in there but I've only worn them once cos they're a bit thrushy.

LAUGHTER What is this you've got, the Hitman Roadshow?

This is a 22-year-old T-shirt from when I saw Jason Donovan when I was 14,

-I can't get rid of that.

-Well, you've changed a lot since then. You've got a bit larger, I think.

LAUGHTER

I was 14, yeah, I hadn't finished growing. I didn't have boobs or anything then.

-Oh, a little bow.

-Oh, you might like this cos I think this is my first designer piece.

-This is a Ted Rogers, Baker.

-Ted Baker. LAUGHTER

I don't think Ted Rogers does a range of clothes.

APPLAUSE

Thank you very much for the makeover, but I have the perfect outfit for you.

Er, you will never have felt more comfortable or looked more fantastic than in this next outfit.

Are you ready? Can I show you?

-Well, I normally do the makeover.

-It's my turn now.

-LAUGHTER

-He said I was large.

There's nothing the matter with being large anyway.

-I'm just... I'm just...

-LAUGHTER

I'm just sort of normal woman size, it's just you're used to dealing with children.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Come with me. Let me show you something. Come round here.

-Oh, here we go.

-Come round this way.

OK.

So you've got to get your outfit on, flower.

-I'm just going to take some bits off first, obviously.

-LAUGHTER

That's, er, massive knickers.

CHEERING AND LAUGHTER # I'm sexy and I know it

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND LAUGHTER

# Too many broken hearts in the world

# There's too many dreams can be broken in two

# Too many broken hearts in the world

# So I won't give up the fight for you

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

There you go, Julien, comfy is the new black.

-Thank you very much, Julien Macdonald.

-APPLAUSE

Thank you! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That's it for tonight.

I wish I had more time to talk about shows like A Place In The Sun,

where people move their whole family abroad for a better life

and then realise the problem was their family.

LAUGHTER

I didn't have time to talk about What Not To Eat.

I love that show but I prefer to watch it backwards.

-That way it ends with a happy person looking at a table full of food.

-LAUGHTER

And Supersize vs Superskinny. Great TV show, terrible sumo wrestling match.

-Good night.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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