Episode 3 The Sarah Millican Television Programme

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

Hello, and welcome to my new show, all about television.

I love television, it's taught me everything I know.

I spend so much time with my TV, it's like family. Take EastEnders...

EastEnders has taught me many things.

Turn off the baby monitor before shagging your neighbour!

And at some point, we're all going to have to marry Ian Beale.

TV shows help you to punctuate your day. Like The One Show.

When you hear the music for The One Show, you know technically it's OK to start drinking.

That's really resonated with you lot, hasn't it?

Some of you are going, "Yeah, I knew that"

and others are going, "Is that right? Can I start?"

The One Show is described as a magazine show.

You know, those magazines you can get that are about spiders,

different types of ham and what JLS think of dry-stone walling.

Tonight I'm going to be talking about two of my favourite types of TV.

Survival shows and food programmes.

Although the closest I get to both is eating chips outside.

And I've done that.

We all like watching cookery shows.

It's like food porn. I'm not really interested in the making of it,

I just like the money shot at the end.

Nigella is shot like an episode of CSI, isn't it?

Only shot from the waist up!

I love those bits where she comes out in the night for a snack

like a sexy badger.

I don't think being a TV chef can be very good for your health.

Poor Gordon Ramsay's got all those lines on his forehead

from where he's been constantly looking under the grill.

I've always been picky though.

I remember watching the classic scene in Silence Of The Lambs

when Hannibal Lecter says, "I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti."

I remember thinking, "Oh, I bet I wouldn't like fava beans."

I'd have to hide them under my lettuce.

I don't like meals for one though.

AUDIENCE: Aw!

No, it's not that they make us feel lonely.

I just don't think they're big enough.

I love a family-sized anything.

I think they should have a range called Hungry.

When we eat in pubs, my fella will only eat puddings

if they've got the word 'explosion' or 'extravaganza' in the name.

Have you ever pretended you were waiting for a friend

in a restaurant and eaten two dinners?

No, me neither.

Does anyone in the room eat on their own regularly?

A few people do?

Yeah, because I used to have a series of office jobs

and I'd rather be alone in the park.

I'm not paid for my lunch hour so I'm not spending it with those bell ends.

It comes to something when you'd rather risk getting flashed at

than having to talk to "Computer John."

By the way, if there is anyone watching from any of my old jobs, I don't mean you...

..John...

...in computers.

My friend bought me something to cheer me up

when I'm eating on my own.

A bag of wobbly eyes.

I'll show you what I mean, I've got my phone. I've taken some pictures.

So this is the first one.

That's a Creme Egg.

But if you put the eyes on, you don't feel like you're on your own.

And then the next one...

Oh, that's not supposed to be there.

And then, look at that custard slice. He looks nervous, doesn't he?

And he's every bloody right to be nervous, look at the next one!

So as well as knowing nothing about cooking,

I don't know much about wine either.

Although I do like watching those experts on the telly.

What I need is a winey, which is very different from a wino.

Or so his agent promises me.

Here to help me learn some more

is the resident wine critic from Saturday Kitchen and Iron Chef UK.

He's got a firm body, nutty top notes and a lovely nose. It's Olly Smith.

At last!

-Hello.

-Hello.

-Thank you very much for coming on the show.

-A massive pleasure to be here.

-Oh, bless you.

Shall we watch a little clip of you in action. Can we watch that?

Absolutely, fire away.

With the clever addition of the squid from the sea,

I'm setting sail towards a white wine.

And I'm selecting the rather fragrant Vina Costeira 2010.

You could dab it behind your ears.

APPLAUSE

So, Olly...

Do you ever worry that you're encouraging people to drink wine a bit early in the day?

Well, I think with a meal, if it's lunchtime, that's a good thing.

It's not something that's just for a certain type of person,

It's for people of all ages who enjoy good flavour. That's what it should be about.

Have you ever drank wine from a box?

-Yes!

-Oh.

-Yeah.

We shouldn't be snobby about the way wine reaches us.

I'd drink it out of an udder, as long as it tasted brilliant.

-That's milk, love.

-Yes.

-Just checking that you did know that.

-You're not putting wine on your kids' Frosties or anything?

-No.

-My mam used to have green pop on our Frosties.

-Really? Green pop?

Yep, she's got no teeth. No, she has.

Is that Five Alive or what was the...

-Limeade, love.

-Limeade.

You've never taken a bottle back and got 10p, have you, love?

HE MOUTHS

Do you spit or swallow?

Do you start off by swallowing a few times to impress them,

then after a while you just...

spit it out cos you don't give a shit any more.

It... It all depends who I'm with.

That's...

That's a bloody good answer!

I should be honest with you, I don't really like wine.

You should try Sparkling Moscato.

The best wine is always the fizzy ones, isn't it?

-They're great...

-That's a fact.

Or pair it with food

cos quite often you get a different feeling and flavour when you pair up different types of food.

You know, the meat and the fish,

that sort of thing, but what about the kind of food I eat?

A little bird told me about that, so I brought along a few examples.

Oh, OK. What have you got?

First of all, I thought, I know you love your beans on toast.

That's very true, you know me well.

And it being a vaguely Italian dish, tomatoey, I thought...

-I always ask for this in Italian restaurants, I always do.

-Do you?

Yeah.

I walk straight in and I go, "Sod your pizzas and your pasta.

"Have you got any beans on toast?

"As my friend Olly says, 'It's Italian.'"

It's sort of vaguely Italian, yeah. So I've got an Italian red.

OK.

If you taste the wine and the flavours last

after you've sipped, then that's a good wine.

If they go right away, it's not terrible,

-it's just for chugging on a Tuesday night.

-How long do they last?

Five, ten, twenty seconds.

Oh, I thought you meant the next day you're like, "Oh, I can still...

"I can still feel that in the back of me throat. That is a good wine."

For a long time, people likened wine to fruits and strawberries.

-It's quite off-putting.

-Aw!

-You don't like that one?

Tastes like petrol!

Scampi in a basket.

-Have you been spying on me?

-A little.

-Scampi in a basket?

-Yep.

-Now for that,

maybe a lemonade to bring out the flavours of the fish?

I have got a drink that does in fact have lemonade in it.

-A pint of bitter shandy!

-CHEERING

That's genuinely the only alcoholic drink that I ever drink.

-That is awesome.

-I've been spying on you.

-You have. I think I'm going to...

-Give it a whirl.

I don't drink often, so it still hits us, so I'll have to be careful.

If you like sweeter things, you should find a drink they'll do light.

Aw...

Aw... It's like having a big wee when you've been dying for ages.

The last time I had a pint of shandy, I went straight to Tesco's afterwards

and I was a little bit giggly, I don't mind telling you.

And I bought furniture polish,

and I haven't even got any furniture that you can polish. That's how mental I am.

-I think you've convinced us.

-Have I?

-I think so.

-Brilliant.

-Let's give him a round of applause. Thank you very much, Olly Smith.

-Thank you. Hurrah.

I feel bloody hammered now.

When it comes to TV shows,

cookery and survival skills make up many of my favourites.

When I first heard on This Morning that someone was cooking with Gino D'Acampo

I thought it was a new type of outdoor travel stove.

My phone died last week and I had to use a pay phone.

I felt like Bear Grylls.

When I put the phone to my ear,

I realised someone had shoved a steak pie in the receiver.

AUDIENCE GROAN

Don't ask me how I know, it was definitely steak.

When I first passed my driving test five years ago, my dad said,

"You need to keep the following things in the boot of your car at all times.

"A blanket, a shovel

"and a flask."

And he's right cos whenever I've killed a man, I'm always parched.

He did add recently that in winter

you should consider carrying two hessian sacks.

I said, "Why? In case you have a surplus of kittens?"

AUDIENCE GROAN

Hold on, sorry, it was OK to kill a man...

..but leave the kittens alone?

My parents were always very cautious when I was a child.

When warning me off strangers, my mam would always say,

"Don't go home with any strangers or Debbie's dad from across the way."

Men compare survival skills by watching programmes about drinking water from plants

and which animals are easiest to catch.

All a woman needs is a photo of her ex, a match and Gloria Gaynor.

The closest most people get to living in the wild is camping.

The closest you'll get me to being in a tent

is on a fat day when I've discarded the belt.

We did go camping as a bairn. I remember wandering into the woods

and finding some monkey nuts to eat.

And years later a friend said, "Do you want a monkey nut?"

I looked in the bag and went, "They're not monkey nuts."

The best way to survive the desert or avalanches

is to not go on such posh holidays.

The only way you'll have to cut your arm off in Malaga

is if you're one night stand is still lying on it.

Someone told me recently that a torch is a good thing to carry

for safety. If someone attacks you,

you shine it in their eyes and it will dazzle them so you can escape.

So I bought one, and I casually refer to it as my rape torch.

Which I know sounds bad, like I'm helping them out a bit, doesn't it?

"Oh, no, down there, love. Down there."

What I really need here is an expert from the television

to talk me through how to survive

in the most extreme and hostile environments.

Like a Primark sale or when a new IKEA opens.

And do you know what, we've got one.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the star of the Long Way Round

and Extreme Frontiers, Charley Boorman.

-Come up to the sofa.

-Thank you.

-It's so nice of you to come to my show.

-Oh, you're welcome.

-Thanks for having me as a guest.

-My pleasure.

-Let's have a little look at you in action.

-OK.

This is pretty much, I think, the start of the Road Of Bones now.

This is not going to look pretty.

They were 12 of the most exciting hours of motorcycling

I've ever, ever done in my life.

CHARLEY GROANS

Charley's really injured himself. This bit's beat us, actually.

We're now part of a support crew's story, you know what I mean?

Please don't let anyone get hurt doing this.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-So is that fun for you, what that was, that clip there, was it?

-Yeah.

No, it was, I mean...

I suppose when we did Long Way Round, Ewan and I,

it was something that we'd always wanted to do, this big adventure.

And I think all of us have a little bit of adventure in us

and it doesn't matter what it is,

but for us it was pushing motorbikes through rivers

and making porn star noises.

Now you ride for a long period of time on your motorbike...

Does your bum get sore?

It... It...

No, actually, it doesn't, but you do have to...

When you're out in the middle of nowhere,

going to the bathroom is always a bit of a problem.

When you're riding through Africa, you sometimes get runny tummy.

And if Ewan or I had runny tummies,

you'd be riding along for hours and suddenly he'd pull over

and run into the bushes holding a pack of baby wipes.

But you do need to keep a clean bum when you're sitting on a bike

for long periods of time cos you don't want a rashy bum.

That's a good tip that we can all take home, isn't it?

I think generally you should keep a clean bum all the time!

One of the funnest things...

There was a lot of odd food that you ate

and there was no food in Mongolia

so we were always kind of begging for food.

You'd stop by little gers and they'd invite you in,

and one day they invited us in for a cup of tea and they said, "Are you hungry?"

And we said we'd love to eat something.

They lifted this cauldron and there were 200 testicles.

Had you counted them? Was that how you...

You'd just do them in pairs, wouldn't you?

"Poor fella, poor fella, poor fella..."

It was actually 199...

199!

They said, "Would you like one?" So we all had one.

Ewan's was actually quite small, mine was enormous.

You're very...

LAUGHTER You're very close to Ewan, aren't you?

I am very close to him, I have seen his lightsaber.

When you travel with him, do you ever bicker?

Sometimes, I mean we argued over the testicle, as to whose was bigger.

What, like fought over it?

I managed to get it into my mouth and I must say, when you eat testicles

-I mean, you bite them, they pop.

-AUDIENCE GROANS

It's what that pop represents,

it's pretty horrible.

To be honest, we complain when we've just got to hold them for a bit.

Now, it is really good talking to you

but there is another survival expert that I know.

He's not here, but he is at home,

and through the magic of television and the internet, we can talk to him.

So I'm going to put this on.

They said they've got a lightweight contraption for me to wear

so that he can see me.

Now, the person we're going to talk to...

Huh!

Oh, I nearly went, "Oh, ya bugger." There we go.

It's the man who taught me my life skills,

like how to kill a dog with an umbrella.

He's always prepared for any situation.

-You might learn something from him, Charley.

-OK.

Please welcome my dad, Philip.

-Hello.

-Hi, Sarah.

-Hello, Dad.

Say hello to the audience.

Hello, audience.

ALL: Hello!

It's the first time I've seen you on Skype with clothes on.

He's normally stripped to the waist

cos they've got the heating on full belt.

Now tell me...

We've got Charley Boorman here, a survival expert,

but you clearly know a bit about this sort of thing as well, don't you?

I remember you taught us,

when we were quite small, how to get out of a burning building.

-Charley, you've got kids.

-Yeah.

So if your kids were in a burning building,

have you told them how to get out?

Well, if the house is on fire, I've told them to get marshmallows.

If the house is on fire...

That's good cos you're being practical and they might be hungry.

So, Dad, what was your advice you gave to me and my sister?

Well, as you know, you had a bay window upstairs in the bedroom.

Oh, yeah, cos they're quite posh, you know.

In the wardrobe used to be your rope.

Don't ask. Don't ask.

You might want to know but I bloody don't.

And I taught you to smash both windows out.

How do you smash a double glazed window?

Well, you have to have something really sharp,

like a big, glass ashtray.

A big, glass ashtray?

Can you tell how the fire started?

And all you do is tie your rope...

fasten it, put it around your waist,

then climb down the rope on the outside.

What, I'm abseiling down the side of a building?

Where are you in this scenario?

Six miles under the North Sea in a coal mine.

I couldn't come out and help you.

Selfish!

That's why I taught you,

so you could do it without your dad there.

AUDIENCE: Aw!

-But you would lower us down if you had been there.

-Of course.

-But you wouldn't be able to do that now.

-Why?

Well, you know, I've put a bit of beef on, Dad.

And 30 years.

Do you not think I could still hold you, like?

AUDIENCE: Aw!

We might have to put it to the test next time I see you.

I'm not breaking any windows just to show you that!

Thank you very much, Dad.

Let's give him a round of applause.

-Thanks, Dad, bye!

-Thanks, see ya!

So that is survival sorted.

I feel ready for the journey home across Manchester now.

Ladies and gentlemen, a big round of applause for Charley Boorman.

Thank you very much. You take care, now. Bye-bye.

Food and survival are intrinsically linked.

My nana was a big woman, but always maintained it wasn't her fault.

"I've just got to walk past a cream cake shop and I put weight on."

Yet in her bag she always carried an emergency pasty.

I was on Saturday Kitchen last year

and put myself in quite a compromising position.

I didn't know the maximum amount of Michelin stars you can have is three.

So they said, about the chef, "He's got one Michelin star."

And I thought, "Oh, I wouldn't brag about that. I've had reviews like that."

My food tastes are a bit simpler. I love an offer in a supermarket.

I love a woop sticker.

You know those stickers they put on food in the supermarkets when it's about to go off.

Cabinet full of foods with woop stickers on!

It's like the last hour in a nightclub.

"Please take me home."

"This is me last chance."

I don't have a very dangerous life.

But give us a chicken breast with literally hours left to eat it...

..and my life becomes like 24.

I've got a friend who loves a woop sticker too.

And I once went to hers and she was making a Thai green curry

with sausages.

I do quite like cheap supermarkets.

They all do adverts trying to be like the Marks & Spencer's one now.

Have you noticed that's all posh and sexy?

They just need to change the wording a bit.

You know Marks' adverts say, "It's not just chicken..."

Yeah, that's my sexy voice, shut up.

I feel sorry for my boyfriend.

"Put it in there."

So the Marks' ones say, "It's not just chicken..."

I think the Aldi ones should say,

"It's not...quite chicken."

I love a tin of sweets at Christmas.

Some families are Quality Street families, some favour Roses,

where you do both.

I read last Christmas that there are fewer sweets in them now

than ever before.

When I say read, I mean counted.

My favourite food programme recently is definitely

The Great British Bake Off.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I love that show

cos sometimes when Paul Hollywood makes things with his hands,

it's quite erotic.

When he smacks that dough...

I've never wanted to be dough so much in my life.

He likes big baps and he cannot lie.

That's right, he's the star of The Great British Bake Off,

please welcome Paul Hollywood.

Hello. How are you doing? Thank you very much for coming on the show.

-Pleasure.

-Welcome to the show.

Now, you were one of the finalists in Heat's Weird Crush poll.

-Did you know this?

-Er... I did hear, yes.

I don't know how you didn't win.

They mustn't have been getting all of my entries.

And you have turned into something of a sex symbol, haven't you? Let's...

I think I can see why.

# Want to get rowdy

# Going to get a little unruly

# Get it fired up in a hurry

# Want to get dirty

# It's about time that I came to start the... #

Come on!

# Sweat dripping over my body

# Dance and getting a little naughty

# Want to get dirty

# It's about time for my arrival. #

So what you're looking for is that.

Where did you find that from?!

Where did we find them from?

We cut them together from my own personal collection.

Now, you can mix butter icing with your hands, can't you?

Apparently yes, I can. It's simple. It's just throwing everything in.

But I'm not really bothered about how to make butter icing.

I just want to know how to make my hand go that fast.

Cos while you're whisking up butter icing,

women at home are all creaming their pants.

Can you show me how to make some scones?

I'll make you a quick scone, I want you to do it.

-Now, I want you to be my sous chef, all right?

-Oh, OK.

-So, if I give you an apron.

-Have I got a pinny? OK. Thank you. Oh, God.

There's your hat. If I stick that to sit on the back...

Your skullcap.

Like that.

-Dinner lady.

-Part me hair. I've got dinner lady arms, so...

What we're going to do, get your hands in there, squeeze it first.

Right, squeeze it off.

And you just basically...

If you were a bread, what kind would you be?

Cos I think Mary Berry might be like a sour dough.

-What would you be?

-I'd be a baguette.

-I'd be... I think I'd be a crusty bloomer.

-A crusty bloomer?

-Oh, the crusty bloomers.

-The crusty bloomers...

OK, all I'm doing, I'm adding the milk now, and I'm turning

this flour into a very basic scone mix,

-and it's soft and you can see the way it is now.

-Yes, I can.

-Now, that...

-LAUGHTER

What, that weren't even rude!

I'm going to tip this mess out onto there, all right?

That's the basic scone mix and it's quite a wet mix.

Now, what I need to do, is just shape it into a ball.

Now, obviously scone, I'd prefer it wet than dry, if...

If the dough, if it's too dry, it doesn't work.

-Dry's not good, is it?

-No.

-In scone, what we do is chaff, so it's a light gentle fold.

-OK.

All right? So it's a nice...

# Oh, my love

# My darling

# I've hungered for your touch

# A long lonely time... #

Thank you very much, let's give a big round of applause for Paul Hollywood.

Thank you very much, love. Thank you.

That's it for tonight.

I wish I had more time to talk about my love of cooking.

It's one of my favourite things. There's nothing I like more than watching someone do the cooking.

We didn't have time to talk about microwave food,

which is ironic.

Or tapas. It's not a meal.

Just a load of trailers for a meal!

Now, souffles are a lot like boyfriends.

You can always try again,

but it's annoying thinking about the time and eggs

you wasted on the last one.

And if the show was longer,

I would also like to have covered James Martin...

..in mascarpone.

Good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd