Browse content similar to Episode 1. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!
Line | From | To | |
---|---|---|---|
This programme contains some strong language | 0:00:05 | 0:00:12 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:00:19 | 0:00:22 | |
Hello and welcome to the Sarah Millican Television Programme. | 0:00:32 | 0:00:36 | |
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE | 0:00:36 | 0:00:40 | |
I love watching medical shows on the telly. | 0:00:40 | 0:00:43 | |
I saw a documentary that said thousands of people | 0:00:43 | 0:00:46 | |
over 60 have ADHD and I thought, | 0:00:46 | 0:00:49 | |
"Surely a hyperactive pensioner is a good thing?" | 0:00:49 | 0:00:53 | |
It might make them move a bit faster in the Post Office! | 0:00:53 | 0:00:57 | |
And they'll finally be warm! | 0:00:57 | 0:00:59 | |
Drugs Live was a weird show, where people took drugs on TV | 0:01:00 | 0:01:03 | |
and we watched the effects they had on them. | 0:01:03 | 0:01:06 | |
I don't do drugs and I don't really drink, | 0:01:06 | 0:01:09 | |
so sometimes if I want to mix things up, | 0:01:09 | 0:01:11 | |
I'll put my clocks back an hour and then watch UK Gold Plus 1. | 0:01:11 | 0:01:15 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:01:15 | 0:01:18 | |
It properly fucks you up! | 0:01:21 | 0:01:23 | |
Is it now, is it then? | 0:01:25 | 0:01:28 | |
I like Nigella, but her sexy cooking has got out of hand. | 0:01:28 | 0:01:31 | |
She only cooks things with plums in, | 0:01:31 | 0:01:33 | |
so she can look at the camera and go, | 0:01:33 | 0:01:36 | |
(AS NIGELLA) "Plums!" | 0:01:36 | 0:01:38 | |
In saying that, her cock and ball bag pie was to die for. | 0:01:43 | 0:01:47 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:01:47 | 0:01:50 | |
Now, when I was watching the last series of X Factor, | 0:01:55 | 0:01:58 | |
it felt like I disagreed with everything the judges said. | 0:01:58 | 0:02:01 | |
If I thought someone sang well, the judges didn't put them through. | 0:02:01 | 0:02:05 | |
If I thought they were just noise in thrushy jeans... | 0:02:05 | 0:02:09 | |
You've had those before, haven't you, flower? | 0:02:11 | 0:02:15 | |
They generally come with free Canesten. | 0:02:15 | 0:02:18 | |
..Then they went straight through to boot camp. | 0:02:18 | 0:02:22 | |
So I posted on Twitter, "I disagree with everything the X Factor | 0:02:22 | 0:02:26 | |
"judges say. Does that mean I'm old, sensible or tone deaf?" | 0:02:26 | 0:02:30 | |
Some people said, "You're old like me," others said, "Sensible," | 0:02:30 | 0:02:34 | |
and one person responded, "You're a fat unfunny dyke!" | 0:02:34 | 0:02:38 | |
I thought, "They weren't any of the options I gave you." | 0:02:40 | 0:02:44 | |
X Factor is a bit like being in a bad relationship. | 0:02:47 | 0:02:51 | |
I keep going back, he never makes me happy. | 0:02:51 | 0:02:54 | |
And I always get judged on my performance. | 0:02:54 | 0:02:58 | |
It's weird they have the sob stories on X Factor, but not on Strictly. | 0:02:58 | 0:03:03 | |
Some of those poor buggers haven't had an acting job | 0:03:03 | 0:03:06 | |
since the end of the '80s. | 0:03:06 | 0:03:08 | |
Reality shows like X Factor | 0:03:10 | 0:03:12 | |
and Strictly are always described as emotional rollercoasters. | 0:03:12 | 0:03:16 | |
I always thought an emotional rollercoaster was | 0:03:16 | 0:03:19 | |
when you found you couldn't fit in one of the seats. | 0:03:19 | 0:03:22 | |
Oh, no. You, go on. | 0:03:24 | 0:03:26 | |
I'll hold your bag. | 0:03:29 | 0:03:31 | |
For me, X Factor is more like the Log Flume cos thanks to | 0:03:33 | 0:03:37 | |
Gary Barlow, I always end up a little bit wet. | 0:03:37 | 0:03:40 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:03:40 | 0:03:43 | |
Now, dance shows are popular at the moment. | 0:03:46 | 0:03:49 | |
There's So You Think You Can Dance, Got To Dance | 0:03:49 | 0:03:51 | |
and if it's a family party, You'd Better Bloody Dance. | 0:03:51 | 0:03:54 | |
I'm not looking like a tit on my own! | 0:03:54 | 0:03:57 | |
The dancing show I'd like to see is Dances With Wolves. | 0:03:57 | 0:04:01 | |
A minor celebrity dancing whilst crying. | 0:04:01 | 0:04:05 | |
WHIMPERS | 0:04:05 | 0:04:06 | |
FIERCE BARKING AND SNAPPING | 0:04:06 | 0:04:09 | |
I'm going to pitch that. | 0:04:14 | 0:04:17 | |
I love Strictly. | 0:04:17 | 0:04:18 | |
As soon as Brucie danced out on the first step episode, I thought, | 0:04:18 | 0:04:22 | |
"I bloody love you." When he does his "jokes"... | 0:04:22 | 0:04:27 | |
he always reminds me of Basil Brush. | 0:04:27 | 0:04:30 | |
He's all teeth and expectation! | 0:04:31 | 0:04:33 | |
Boom boom! | 0:04:36 | 0:04:38 | |
That's just his pacemaker. | 0:04:38 | 0:04:40 | |
My mam always said, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say | 0:04:42 | 0:04:46 | |
"anything at all," so please welcome Strictly judge Craig Revel Horwood. | 0:04:46 | 0:04:49 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:04:49 | 0:04:52 | |
-Hello, Craig. -Hello, darling. -Welcome to the show, love. | 0:04:57 | 0:05:00 | |
Thank you, my love. | 0:05:00 | 0:05:02 | |
-You've had an interesting life, haven't you? -I have. | 0:05:02 | 0:05:05 | |
Can we expect to see the Craig Revel Horwood movie? | 0:05:05 | 0:05:08 | |
Well, that would be good. I'd enjoy that. | 0:05:08 | 0:05:11 | |
I don't know that the viewers would like it though. | 0:05:11 | 0:05:14 | |
Who would play you in the film of your life? Kylie, or...? | 0:05:14 | 0:05:18 | |
That's not a bad idea. She just needs to grow six more feet, darling. | 0:05:21 | 0:05:25 | |
Have you got a lot of feet? | 0:05:25 | 0:05:28 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:05:28 | 0:05:31 | |
-Were you always judgemental as a child? -I guess I was. | 0:05:33 | 0:05:37 | |
I used to judge myself. | 0:05:37 | 0:05:39 | |
I used to put on little shows for my family at Christmas. | 0:05:39 | 0:05:44 | |
I'd get dressed up in drag at seven | 0:05:44 | 0:05:46 | |
and then we had big fabulous sliding doors. | 0:05:46 | 0:05:50 | |
I'd open them up and do | 0:05:50 | 0:05:51 | |
the Big Spender number with a feather boa and a blond wig. | 0:05:51 | 0:05:56 | |
-My father chased me around the house, however. -It wasn't his wig, was it? | 0:05:56 | 0:06:00 | |
When you say "at seven", | 0:06:02 | 0:06:04 | |
was that your age or was that the time of evening you did it? | 0:06:04 | 0:06:08 | |
And then at nine... | 0:06:09 | 0:06:11 | |
-Do you dance at weddings? -No. I hate dancing at weddings. -Why? | 0:06:13 | 0:06:19 | |
Because I feel like I'm being judged. I know that sounds odd! | 0:06:19 | 0:06:24 | |
Dancing in public has never been a good scenario for me. | 0:06:26 | 0:06:30 | |
But you've made a career off the back of it though. Um... | 0:06:30 | 0:06:34 | |
Dancing is quite erotic, isn't it? It can be quite erotic on Strictly. | 0:06:36 | 0:06:41 | |
Are you ever glad that you're behind a desk? | 0:06:41 | 0:06:44 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:06:44 | 0:06:47 | |
Well... | 0:06:47 | 0:06:49 | |
I do like sexy dancing. It's got to be said, darling. | 0:06:49 | 0:06:53 | |
Who was the worst dancer you've ever had? | 0:06:53 | 0:06:57 | |
-I think that was Quentin Wilson. -And what about on the show? | 0:06:57 | 0:07:02 | |
-Who was worse between John Sergeant and Ann Widdecombe? -Ann Widdecombe. | 0:07:06 | 0:07:10 | |
Although she did manage to polish the floor. | 0:07:10 | 0:07:13 | |
Have you ever held up the wrong number by mistake | 0:07:17 | 0:07:20 | |
and had to bluff your way through giving that score? | 0:07:20 | 0:07:24 | |
We have little buzzers that we press | 0:07:24 | 0:07:26 | |
and I have accidentally pressed the number next to the number I wanted. | 0:07:26 | 0:07:31 | |
And then of course I had to try and... It was a low score. | 0:07:31 | 0:07:35 | |
I had to then try and find as many things wrong with it as I could. | 0:07:35 | 0:07:39 | |
I love the fact that you said there that it was quite a low score, | 0:07:39 | 0:07:43 | |
like you ever give anything higher than that. | 0:07:43 | 0:07:47 | |
Well, I remember it was a four. But I'd wanted to give a seven. | 0:07:47 | 0:07:50 | |
So it was a bit of a disaster. | 0:07:50 | 0:07:52 | |
So instead of just pausing and saying, | 0:07:52 | 0:07:55 | |
"I'm sorry, I've made a mistake, let's do it again," | 0:07:55 | 0:07:58 | |
-you just carried on saying how shit they were! -The point... | 0:07:58 | 0:08:02 | |
-It's live television. What can you do, darling? -Be nicer? | 0:08:02 | 0:08:06 | |
-Have you ever regretted being too harsh? -Only once. | 0:08:09 | 0:08:14 | |
When I called Patsy Palmer a scrubber | 0:08:14 | 0:08:16 | |
in a puffer jacket that cries all the time. | 0:08:16 | 0:08:20 | |
I did regret that actually. She's a very lovely lady. | 0:08:20 | 0:08:24 | |
-Were you getting her mixed up with her character again? -Yeah. | 0:08:24 | 0:08:28 | |
Yeah, it's easy to do, isn't it? | 0:08:28 | 0:08:30 | |
And finally, you were the face of British Sausage Week... | 0:08:30 | 0:08:34 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:08:34 | 0:08:37 | |
Don't go any further with that. | 0:08:38 | 0:08:41 | |
You can't tell me what to do. I'm not dancing. | 0:08:41 | 0:08:44 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:08:44 | 0:08:48 | |
I was King of the Sizzle! | 0:08:48 | 0:08:50 | |
When you signed up to it, | 0:08:50 | 0:08:53 | |
did you think you were signing up to something different? | 0:08:53 | 0:08:56 | |
No, I knew exactly what I was in for, | 0:08:59 | 0:09:01 | |
but I loved the trophies I used to hand out. | 0:09:01 | 0:09:03 | |
They were complete big sausages, probably about that big. | 0:09:03 | 0:09:07 | |
All gold. And they looked exactly like dildos. They were hilarious. | 0:09:07 | 0:09:12 | |
And I had to hand them | 0:09:12 | 0:09:14 | |
to every butcher that won for the best sausage! | 0:09:14 | 0:09:17 | |
That might be the best job anybody's ever had. | 0:09:20 | 0:09:23 | |
Thanks so much for coming on the show. | 0:09:23 | 0:09:25 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, Craig Revel Horwood. | 0:09:25 | 0:09:28 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:09:28 | 0:09:31 | |
He's lovely really, isn't he? Britain's Got Talent is tricky. | 0:09:35 | 0:09:38 | |
You can't compare jugglers and dancing dogs. | 0:09:38 | 0:09:42 | |
Yes, you can, cos jugglers are shit. | 0:09:42 | 0:09:45 | |
I like to see them practising backstage. | 0:09:45 | 0:09:48 | |
The juggler juggling and the dog going mental watching all the balls. | 0:09:48 | 0:09:52 | |
Throw the bloody thing! | 0:09:52 | 0:09:54 | |
I think, if a dog can really dance, put it on Strictly. | 0:09:55 | 0:09:59 | |
Brendan Cole has finally met his match. | 0:10:02 | 0:10:06 | |
He does strike me as something of a leg humper anyway. | 0:10:06 | 0:10:10 | |
It must be hard for the contestants on Britain's Got Talent. | 0:10:11 | 0:10:15 | |
Being buzzed off by David Walliams is not as fun as it sounds. | 0:10:15 | 0:10:20 | |
I buzz myself off at home all the time. | 0:10:20 | 0:10:23 | |
It's the only way I can watch the show. | 0:10:24 | 0:10:28 | |
I drove past the Britain's Got Talent audition queue in Birmingham. | 0:10:28 | 0:10:31 | |
I didn't know that's what it was at the time. | 0:10:31 | 0:10:34 | |
I assumed it was the dole office. | 0:10:34 | 0:10:36 | |
I thought, "Why is he signing on with a hula hoop?" | 0:10:38 | 0:10:42 | |
Britain's Got Talent went all over the world. | 0:10:44 | 0:10:47 | |
Canada's Got Talent ran for only one series. Turns out...nope! | 0:10:47 | 0:10:52 | |
Andrew Lloyd Webber does those talent shows where | 0:10:54 | 0:10:57 | |
he tries to find something good for the West End of London. | 0:10:57 | 0:11:00 | |
In my experience, it'd be more toilets. | 0:11:00 | 0:11:03 | |
And fewer twats. | 0:11:04 | 0:11:06 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:11:06 | 0:11:09 | |
I love those search for a star programmes, | 0:11:15 | 0:11:18 | |
especially the Lloyd Webber Jobcentre ones. | 0:11:18 | 0:11:21 | |
But when someone got voted off, it was brutal. | 0:11:21 | 0:11:24 | |
For the Wizard of Oz, | 0:11:24 | 0:11:25 | |
the one leaving had to hand in her ruby slippers. Ouch. | 0:11:25 | 0:11:29 | |
For the Sound of Music, the rest of the contestants sang, | 0:11:29 | 0:11:33 | |
# So long, farewell... # | 0:11:33 | 0:11:35 | |
Brutal. I don't know if you saw the Jesus Christ Superstar one. | 0:11:35 | 0:11:39 | |
They nailed him to a cross! | 0:11:39 | 0:11:42 | |
If you come back on Sunday, the job's yours. | 0:11:42 | 0:11:46 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:11:46 | 0:11:49 | |
Now, I've always enjoyed judging people. You, horrible top. | 0:11:52 | 0:11:56 | |
-Um... -LAUGHTER | 0:11:56 | 0:11:59 | |
It's nice. | 0:12:01 | 0:12:04 | |
But what would it be like to do it professionally? | 0:12:04 | 0:12:07 | |
Let's ask someone who knows and add a bit of girl power to the proceedings. | 0:12:07 | 0:12:11 | |
Please welcome Superstar judge Melanie C. | 0:12:11 | 0:12:14 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:12:14 | 0:12:16 | |
-Hello. Thank you very much for coming on the show. -It's a pleasure. | 0:12:24 | 0:12:28 | |
I'm so excited to have an actual Spice Girl in the room. | 0:12:28 | 0:12:31 | |
-I'm a massive fan. -A real life one. -And the best one. Um... | 0:12:31 | 0:12:34 | |
-APPLAUSE -Totally. See? I'm right! | 0:12:34 | 0:12:38 | |
I've got a really important question that I've been dying to ask you. | 0:12:38 | 0:12:43 | |
What is it like when Victoria smiles? | 0:12:43 | 0:12:47 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:12:47 | 0:12:50 | |
You must have seen her smile! | 0:12:50 | 0:12:52 | |
She's got such a pretty face, if she smiled, it would be so lovely. | 0:12:52 | 0:12:56 | |
-Is it nice? Is it like Narnia? -Yes. The thing is... | 0:12:56 | 0:13:00 | |
The thing is with Victoria, if you're with her in private, | 0:13:00 | 0:13:03 | |
she's so funny and she's always laughing and joking, | 0:13:03 | 0:13:07 | |
but I think, you know, she's one of the most written about written about | 0:13:07 | 0:13:11 | |
and photographed women in the world and I think her pout is her armour. | 0:13:11 | 0:13:15 | |
-That's how she feels comfortable. -To protect herself, I suppose. -Yeah. | 0:13:15 | 0:13:18 | |
Next time you see her, just get her to sneak one out once in a while. | 0:13:18 | 0:13:22 | |
I mean a smile. That sounds terrible! | 0:13:22 | 0:13:25 | |
What was the audition for the Spice Girls like? | 0:13:27 | 0:13:30 | |
It was weird. The first thing was on how you looked and how you moved. | 0:13:30 | 0:13:36 | |
They were like, "Yeah, yeah, no, no, yeah." | 0:13:36 | 0:13:39 | |
-Oh, that's harsh! -And then you came back to sing. | 0:13:39 | 0:13:41 | |
So singing was very secondary? | 0:13:41 | 0:13:44 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:13:44 | 0:13:46 | |
I fell into that trap! | 0:13:49 | 0:13:51 | |
You should have lied, said the singing was first. | 0:13:53 | 0:13:56 | |
-Yes, it was. -If a Spice Girl turned up to an audition now, | 0:13:56 | 0:13:59 | |
who would you put through and who would you send home,? | 0:13:59 | 0:14:03 | |
-if you were on the other side? -AUDIENCE: Oooh! | 0:14:03 | 0:14:06 | |
-How mean's that? -I totally went there. Shut your face! | 0:14:06 | 0:14:10 | |
You know what? | 0:14:10 | 0:14:11 | |
With the girls, we all would admit we all had different strengths | 0:14:11 | 0:14:15 | |
and tried to play to that. There were some great singers in the band. | 0:14:15 | 0:14:19 | |
Everyone can sing, but some were stronger than others and some are better dancers than others. | 0:14:19 | 0:14:24 | |
A band needs all of that. I think with the Spice Girls, what made us | 0:14:24 | 0:14:27 | |
so successful, was our chemistry and our energy. | 0:14:27 | 0:14:30 | |
It would have been better if you'd picked one, but it's fine. | 0:14:30 | 0:14:34 | |
We'll add that in later on. | 0:14:34 | 0:14:37 | |
Yeah, ask me a question and take one of the names and edit it in. | 0:14:37 | 0:14:40 | |
It's all editing. It's fine. | 0:14:40 | 0:14:43 | |
Now, when I've had a crappy day, and this is true, | 0:14:44 | 0:14:47 | |
I put the Spice Girls on and I dance around in my nightie in my flat. | 0:14:47 | 0:14:51 | |
-Do you? -Is there music you always put on when you've had a crappy day? | 0:14:51 | 0:14:55 | |
Um... | 0:14:55 | 0:14:57 | |
I like some like big ballads cos singing makes me feel great. | 0:14:57 | 0:15:01 | |
So I like really give it loads. I do that in the car as well. | 0:15:01 | 0:15:04 | |
I don't think about people seeing you. | 0:15:04 | 0:15:06 | |
At traffic lights, when you pull up and you glance across, | 0:15:06 | 0:15:09 | |
and you realise they have just seen you feeling for beard. | 0:15:09 | 0:15:13 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:15:13 | 0:15:16 | |
It's dangerous to get your tweezers out, | 0:15:21 | 0:15:24 | |
but if you've got nails, you can just try and get a couple. | 0:15:24 | 0:15:29 | |
Now, you helped to find Jesus for Jesus Christ Superstar with | 0:15:29 | 0:15:32 | |
Andrew Lloyd Webber. | 0:15:32 | 0:15:34 | |
On a scale of one to ten, how creepy is he in person? | 0:15:34 | 0:15:39 | |
The things is, I have to say about Andrew, is I think | 0:15:42 | 0:15:45 | |
he is probably the most misunderstood person in the public eye. | 0:15:45 | 0:15:49 | |
But he's a genius. And I was astounded by him. | 0:15:49 | 0:15:53 | |
He was funny, he was quick and he was so kind to the contestants. | 0:15:53 | 0:15:58 | |
I need to press you for a number. | 0:15:58 | 0:16:00 | |
SHE LAUGHS | 0:16:00 | 0:16:02 | |
Zero. He's not creepy, he's lovely. | 0:16:02 | 0:16:05 | |
Later on, we'll get you to say loads of numbers. | 0:16:05 | 0:16:08 | |
-And then we'll just cut one in. -Geri Halliwell. | 0:16:08 | 0:16:11 | |
Seven. | 0:16:11 | 0:16:12 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:16:12 | 0:16:15 | |
I love it that you've just accidentally told us | 0:16:22 | 0:16:25 | |
which one you would have sent home. | 0:16:25 | 0:16:28 | |
Not really, Geri. Mwah. | 0:16:28 | 0:16:32 | |
How do you think the actual Jesus would have done on the show? | 0:16:32 | 0:16:36 | |
I love what you've done with the loaves and fishes, | 0:16:36 | 0:16:40 | |
but you sound a bit karaoke. | 0:16:40 | 0:16:42 | |
What advice would you give to someone on how to win over | 0:16:42 | 0:16:45 | |
the public on a talent show? | 0:16:45 | 0:16:48 | |
Well, my advice would be to always be yourself, | 0:16:48 | 0:16:52 | |
unless you're really boring or a bit of a knob. | 0:16:52 | 0:16:56 | |
-Unless you're really boring or a bit of a knob. -Yeah. | 0:16:56 | 0:17:00 | |
And then you should suppress that! | 0:17:00 | 0:17:02 | |
Just be really fake. | 0:17:02 | 0:17:05 | |
Just be really fake! | 0:17:05 | 0:17:07 | |
That's the best advice ever! | 0:17:07 | 0:17:09 | |
That's advice for life! | 0:17:09 | 0:17:12 | |
Now, the whole Olympics was obviously just a cover | 0:17:13 | 0:17:16 | |
for the real agenda, which was to get the Spice Girls back together. | 0:17:16 | 0:17:20 | |
No, that's fact. | 0:17:23 | 0:17:26 | |
Whose idea was it to get you all in Zimmer frames? | 0:17:26 | 0:17:29 | |
-Yeah. -We've got a photo of this, on top of the taxis. | 0:17:29 | 0:17:33 | |
Of all the Spice Girls, who do you think has aged the best? | 0:17:36 | 0:17:39 | |
AUDIENCE: Oooh! | 0:17:39 | 0:17:42 | |
-Cos I think they've all aged really well. -Looking pretty good actually. | 0:17:42 | 0:17:46 | |
We're doing all right. | 0:17:46 | 0:17:48 | |
We're all getting close to 40, or...someone is 40. | 0:17:48 | 0:17:51 | |
-LAUGHTER -Which...? | 0:17:51 | 0:17:54 | |
-Which one's 40? -Your favourite. | 0:17:54 | 0:17:58 | |
-You're my favourite. -Aw, thanks. -Genuinely. -I'm 38. | 0:17:58 | 0:18:02 | |
-I'm 37. -Are you? | 0:18:02 | 0:18:05 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:18:05 | 0:18:07 | |
I don't know what I've won, but I've definitely won! | 0:18:11 | 0:18:15 | |
Maybe, as an ending... | 0:18:17 | 0:18:19 | |
Maybe you could judge how I've interviewed you. | 0:18:19 | 0:18:23 | |
Oh, my God! | 0:18:23 | 0:18:25 | |
-How did I do? -Well, you know... | 0:18:26 | 0:18:29 | |
I've been interviewed a lot of times by lots of different people, | 0:18:29 | 0:18:32 | |
all over the world, for many years. | 0:18:32 | 0:18:35 | |
And... And that was one of them. | 0:18:35 | 0:18:38 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:18:38 | 0:18:41 | |
AUDIENCE: Aw! | 0:18:51 | 0:18:53 | |
-No, I've really enjoyed it. -I'm still 37. | 0:18:53 | 0:18:57 | |
Um... Thank you so much for coming on the show. | 0:18:57 | 0:19:00 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, Melanie C. | 0:19:00 | 0:19:02 | |
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE | 0:19:02 | 0:19:05 | |
Now, let's talk about medical shows. | 0:19:12 | 0:19:14 | |
I love One Born Every Minute, the documentary set in a maternity ward. | 0:19:14 | 0:19:18 | |
Thankfully, there isn't one born every minute in the show. | 0:19:18 | 0:19:21 | |
I don't know if I could watch 60 pixelated nunnies, | 0:19:21 | 0:19:24 | |
one after the other. | 0:19:24 | 0:19:26 | |
Mine doesn't look like that. Theirs are all squared off. | 0:19:26 | 0:19:30 | |
My pain threshold is very low. At my second ever smear test... Oh, yes. | 0:19:33 | 0:19:38 | |
We're going there. | 0:19:38 | 0:19:40 | |
-LAUGHTER -..I was pretty tense. | 0:19:40 | 0:19:43 | |
The first one, you don't really know what's going to happen. | 0:19:43 | 0:19:46 | |
And then the second one, you know exactly what's going to happen. | 0:19:46 | 0:19:49 | |
When the nurse had finished, she saw how tense I still was and said, | 0:19:49 | 0:19:53 | |
"You're going to have to relax. | 0:19:53 | 0:19:55 | |
"If you don't, you're going to be taking it home." | 0:19:55 | 0:19:57 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:19:57 | 0:20:00 | |
I've seen a woman on One Born Every Minute where the baby's | 0:20:03 | 0:20:06 | |
stuck halfway out. | 0:20:06 | 0:20:08 | |
If that was me, I'd say, "You know what? Just leave it. | 0:20:08 | 0:20:12 | |
"I'll buy bigger pants. | 0:20:13 | 0:20:15 | |
"If I take my bra off, my boobs will probably still reach." | 0:20:15 | 0:20:20 | |
One Born Every Minute is a very female-heavy programme, | 0:20:23 | 0:20:26 | |
understandably, but they could encourage more men | 0:20:26 | 0:20:30 | |
to watch by having an honest male voiceover. | 0:20:30 | 0:20:33 | |
Something like, "Tracy is making a fuss. | 0:20:33 | 0:20:36 | |
"Tracy is crying. Again. | 0:20:40 | 0:20:42 | |
"Tracy should remember whose idea this was in the first place." | 0:20:43 | 0:20:47 | |
Medical dramas are good for men | 0:20:50 | 0:20:52 | |
because they hate going to the doctor's. | 0:20:52 | 0:20:55 | |
My boyfriend got a box set, in the hope the rash he'd got would crop up on Quincy. | 0:20:55 | 0:20:59 | |
I saw Dr Christian on a new version of his show called | 0:21:02 | 0:21:05 | |
Embarrassing Old Bodies. | 0:21:05 | 0:21:08 | |
It was daft o'clock in the morning and I'm watching old men's todgers. | 0:21:08 | 0:21:12 | |
And I thought, "It's time for bed." I mean, as in... | 0:21:13 | 0:21:16 | |
-"It's time for bed." -SHE YAWNS | 0:21:16 | 0:21:19 | |
Not like, "It's time for bed!" | 0:21:19 | 0:21:22 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:21:22 | 0:21:24 | |
I'm the youngest and I was always a little bugger to my older sister. | 0:21:26 | 0:21:30 | |
My mam used to pick her up whenever she used slang. | 0:21:30 | 0:21:33 | |
So my sister would say, "Am gaan oot" and my mam would reply, | 0:21:33 | 0:21:36 | |
"You're going out!" | 0:21:36 | 0:21:38 | |
And I would irritatingly parrot, "You're going out!" | 0:21:38 | 0:21:41 | |
One time, my sister had been to hospital about a bad finger. | 0:21:41 | 0:21:45 | |
When she came back, I said, "What's the matter with it?" | 0:21:45 | 0:21:48 | |
She said, "It's gangrene," and I went, "It's going green!" | 0:21:48 | 0:21:52 | |
I love on Holby, you know when they go in with a bad ankle, they | 0:21:54 | 0:21:58 | |
always get told they've actually got a problem with their heart? | 0:21:58 | 0:22:01 | |
It's like a mechanic padding out the bill. | 0:22:01 | 0:22:03 | |
Have you noticed that all of the extras seem to do | 0:22:03 | 0:22:06 | |
the rounds of the other soaps? I find myself watching someone on their deathbed and thinking, | 0:22:06 | 0:22:11 | |
"Let the bugger die. He was shoplifting from Rita's Kabin last week!" | 0:22:11 | 0:22:16 | |
You know? I think I'd be useless in Casualty. | 0:22:18 | 0:22:21 | |
PHONE RINGS AND CASUALTY THEME MUSIC | 0:22:21 | 0:22:24 | |
I told me mam not to ring us while I'm at work. | 0:22:24 | 0:22:27 | |
Oh, God! I'm actually IN Casualty, aren't I? | 0:22:27 | 0:22:29 | |
Please welcome Tony Marshall, Azuka Oforka, Suzanne Packer and Charlie Dale from Casualty. | 0:22:29 | 0:22:35 | |
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE | 0:22:35 | 0:22:37 | |
Hello! | 0:22:37 | 0:22:39 | |
Welcome to the show. Thank you for coming. | 0:22:39 | 0:22:43 | |
Do any of you walk past people up ladders or using a chainsaw | 0:22:43 | 0:22:46 | |
and think, "I know what's going to happen here. I've seen this one"? | 0:22:46 | 0:22:51 | |
-No, that hasn't happened. -That's never happened? | 0:22:51 | 0:22:53 | |
Do people ever confuse you with your roles? | 0:22:53 | 0:22:56 | |
Suzanne, do people ever just lob it out and say, "Do you mind having a look at this, pet?" | 0:22:56 | 0:23:00 | |
They do it on a Sunday morning | 0:23:02 | 0:23:04 | |
when I am trying to nip in to a DVD shop in me pyjamas | 0:23:04 | 0:23:08 | |
and then they start asking me advice on their bleeding piles. | 0:23:08 | 0:23:13 | |
Wow! | 0:23:13 | 0:23:15 | |
Your character, Big Mac - | 0:23:17 | 0:23:20 | |
-you've been a hospital porter for five years. -Mm-hmm. | 0:23:20 | 0:23:22 | |
Do you just lack ambition? | 0:23:22 | 0:23:24 | |
He's like me. He's just happy where he is. | 0:23:27 | 0:23:30 | |
-Happy where he is? -Exactly. -Anything for a peaceful life? | 0:23:30 | 0:23:33 | |
-Exactly. -I like it. | 0:23:33 | 0:23:35 | |
Why does no-one on Casualty ever know they're pregnant, | 0:23:35 | 0:23:38 | |
before they end up just pushing their baby out? | 0:23:38 | 0:23:41 | |
It's not like we don't know what causes it! | 0:23:44 | 0:23:46 | |
I think, perhaps, we've got a lot of fuller figured actresses, perhaps. | 0:23:47 | 0:23:52 | |
And they don't notice. | 0:23:52 | 0:23:54 | |
AUDIENCE: Ooohh! | 0:23:54 | 0:23:55 | |
What? | 0:23:55 | 0:23:56 | |
I speak as a fuller-figured member! | 0:23:58 | 0:24:01 | |
So you think women are fatter and they don't know they're pregnant? | 0:24:03 | 0:24:06 | |
You asked the question, not me. | 0:24:06 | 0:24:08 | |
I asked the question. You answered like that, though, flower! | 0:24:08 | 0:24:11 | |
Shall we move on? | 0:24:12 | 0:24:14 | |
You'll know this. How do you get blood out of your clothes? | 0:24:14 | 0:24:17 | |
Is it the same as red wine? | 0:24:17 | 0:24:18 | |
Do you have to like, splash on a white bodily fluid? | 0:24:18 | 0:24:22 | |
RAUCOUS LAUGHTER | 0:24:22 | 0:24:24 | |
There's a couple of people going, "I've tried that, it doesn't work!" | 0:24:26 | 0:24:30 | |
"You just end up with a hell of a mess on your carpet!" | 0:24:30 | 0:24:33 | |
Have any of you ever tried just kissing it better? | 0:24:35 | 0:24:37 | |
-Excuse me? -When you're at work, | 0:24:37 | 0:24:40 | |
and somebody's not very well, just tried kissing it better, yourself? | 0:24:40 | 0:24:44 | |
-Oh, kissing it BETTER! -What do you think I said? | 0:24:44 | 0:24:48 | |
-I don't know, I don't know. -Did you think I said kissing it bigger? | 0:24:48 | 0:24:51 | |
That does work! | 0:24:53 | 0:24:54 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:24:54 | 0:24:56 | |
Why, on Casualty - it's been going a long time, hasn't it - | 0:25:02 | 0:25:06 | |
have you never had an accident where someone's been hoovering and... | 0:25:06 | 0:25:11 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:25:11 | 0:25:14 | |
..and their trousers fall down... | 0:25:16 | 0:25:17 | |
RAUCOUS LAUGHTER | 0:25:17 | 0:25:20 | |
..and they trip and they end up with the hose up their arsehole? | 0:25:20 | 0:25:23 | |
Because my friend's boyfriend said this happens all the time! | 0:25:23 | 0:25:27 | |
-All the time? -We have had a mobile phone in a certain area. | 0:25:27 | 0:25:32 | |
-I can reveal. -Did you? | 0:25:32 | 0:25:35 | |
They were checking the ringtone or something? | 0:25:35 | 0:25:38 | |
RAUCOUS LAUGHTER | 0:25:38 | 0:25:41 | |
I can't add anything funnier to that. | 0:25:42 | 0:25:46 | |
PHONE RINGS | 0:25:46 | 0:25:50 | |
Excuse me. | 0:25:50 | 0:25:52 | |
Yes? | 0:25:52 | 0:25:54 | |
Yes, visiting hours are from two to eight. | 0:25:54 | 0:25:56 | |
No problem. All right. Bye. | 0:25:56 | 0:26:00 | |
PHONE RINGS | 0:26:00 | 0:26:03 | |
Holby City Casualty unit. | 0:26:03 | 0:26:06 | |
Aha, yeah. Oh, you poor thing! | 0:26:06 | 0:26:10 | |
Does it smell a bit? | 0:26:10 | 0:26:12 | |
Is there a discharge? Really? | 0:26:14 | 0:26:17 | |
That is a lot, isn't it? No, no, no, don't come in! | 0:26:17 | 0:26:21 | |
SIREN WAILS | 0:26:21 | 0:26:23 | |
But Channel 5 might want to make a documentary about you. | 0:26:23 | 0:26:27 | |
Oh, em, just take two Neurofen and try not to scratch it, flower. | 0:26:27 | 0:26:32 | |
What's happening over here? Who's this then? | 0:26:33 | 0:26:37 | |
SARAH GIGGLES | 0:26:37 | 0:26:39 | |
Excuse me, are you medically qualified? | 0:26:44 | 0:26:47 | |
Erm...in a... | 0:26:47 | 0:26:49 | |
..in a Gillian McKeith sort of way. | 0:26:49 | 0:26:52 | |
So, no, not really. | 0:26:54 | 0:26:57 | |
SHE GIGGLES | 0:26:59 | 0:27:01 | |
CASUALTY THEME TUNE | 0:27:01 | 0:27:04 | |
CHEERING AND WHISTLING | 0:27:04 | 0:27:07 | |
But I've got me own uniform! | 0:27:09 | 0:27:13 | |
It's wipe clean. | 0:27:13 | 0:27:14 | |
Inside AND out. | 0:27:14 | 0:27:17 | |
SHE GIGGLES | 0:27:17 | 0:27:20 | |
-SENSUOUSLY: -Plums! | 0:27:25 | 0:27:28 | |
Nurse, patient's complaining of pain in the lower legs. | 0:27:33 | 0:27:37 | |
I am going in for CPR. | 0:27:37 | 0:27:39 | |
# Nelly the elephant packed her trunk and said goodbye to the circus... # | 0:27:40 | 0:27:43 | |
Join in if you know it! | 0:27:43 | 0:27:45 | |
# Off she went with a trumpety-trump Trump, trump, trump. # | 0:27:45 | 0:27:48 | |
PATIENT FLATLINES | 0:27:48 | 0:27:51 | |
We're losing him. | 0:27:51 | 0:27:52 | |
Give me the dif...the diff...tip | 0:27:52 | 0:27:54 | |
..the jump-starty thing. | 0:27:54 | 0:27:56 | |
DEFIBRILLATOR CHARGES | 0:27:56 | 0:27:59 | |
Clear! | 0:27:59 | 0:28:00 | |
FAINT RHYTHM | 0:28:02 | 0:28:04 | |
No...work...work with us, flower. | 0:28:05 | 0:28:09 | |
Have you not seen the telly ever? | 0:28:09 | 0:28:12 | |
When I do the doof, you do the jump at the same time. Is that all right? | 0:28:12 | 0:28:15 | |
We'll get you in RADA, it'll be champion, love. Yeah, OK, right. | 0:28:15 | 0:28:19 | |
Clear! | 0:28:19 | 0:28:21 | |
DEFIBRILLATOR CHARGES | 0:28:21 | 0:28:22 | |
Clear! | 0:28:22 | 0:28:24 | |
RHYTHM PULSES | 0:28:24 | 0:28:25 | |
CHEERING | 0:28:25 | 0:28:27 | |
DEFIBRILLATOR CHARGES | 0:28:31 | 0:28:33 | |
Excuse me, love. Where do you think you're going with that, now? | 0:28:42 | 0:28:45 | |
This is bloody brilliant. I'm taking it home. | 0:28:45 | 0:28:48 | |
Thanks so much for coming into the show. Ladies and gentlemen, | 0:28:50 | 0:28:52 | |
Tony, Azuka, Charlie and Suzanne from Casualty. | 0:28:52 | 0:28:57 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:28:57 | 0:29:01 | |
That's it for tonight. | 0:29:04 | 0:29:05 | |
Unfortunately, we didn't have time to talk about House - | 0:29:05 | 0:29:08 | |
Hugh Laurie's limp, | 0:29:08 | 0:29:09 | |
although he wouldn't be if I got me hands on him! | 0:29:09 | 0:29:13 | |
The documentary The Man Who Looks Like A Tree. | 0:29:15 | 0:29:17 | |
He looks better now that he's had his roots done! | 0:29:17 | 0:29:20 | |
And we haven't had time to talk about Embarrassing Bodies Live - | 0:29:22 | 0:29:26 | |
which is just the changing room at Primark! Good night! | 0:29:26 | 0:29:29 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:29:29 | 0:29:32 | |
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd | 0:29:32 | 0:29:35 |