Episode 1 The Sarah Millican Television Programme


Episode 1

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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language

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APPLAUSE

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Hello and welcome to the Sarah Millican Television Programme.

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CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

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I love watching medical shows on the telly.

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I saw a documentary that said thousands of people

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over 60 have ADHD and I thought,

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"Surely a hyperactive pensioner is a good thing?"

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It might make them move a bit faster in the Post Office!

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And they'll finally be warm!

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Drugs Live was a weird show, where people took drugs on TV

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and we watched the effects they had on them.

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I don't do drugs and I don't really drink,

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so sometimes if I want to mix things up,

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I'll put my clocks back an hour and then watch UK Gold Plus 1.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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It properly fucks you up!

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Is it now, is it then?

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I like Nigella, but her sexy cooking has got out of hand.

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She only cooks things with plums in,

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so she can look at the camera and go,

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(AS NIGELLA) "Plums!"

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In saying that, her cock and ball bag pie was to die for.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Now, when I was watching the last series of X Factor,

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it felt like I disagreed with everything the judges said.

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If I thought someone sang well, the judges didn't put them through.

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If I thought they were just noise in thrushy jeans...

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You've had those before, haven't you, flower?

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They generally come with free Canesten.

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..Then they went straight through to boot camp.

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So I posted on Twitter, "I disagree with everything the X Factor

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"judges say. Does that mean I'm old, sensible or tone deaf?"

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Some people said, "You're old like me," others said, "Sensible,"

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and one person responded, "You're a fat unfunny dyke!"

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I thought, "They weren't any of the options I gave you."

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X Factor is a bit like being in a bad relationship.

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I keep going back, he never makes me happy.

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And I always get judged on my performance.

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It's weird they have the sob stories on X Factor, but not on Strictly.

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Some of those poor buggers haven't had an acting job

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since the end of the '80s.

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Reality shows like X Factor

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and Strictly are always described as emotional rollercoasters.

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I always thought an emotional rollercoaster was

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when you found you couldn't fit in one of the seats.

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Oh, no. You, go on.

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I'll hold your bag.

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For me, X Factor is more like the Log Flume cos thanks to

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Gary Barlow, I always end up a little bit wet.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Now, dance shows are popular at the moment.

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There's So You Think You Can Dance, Got To Dance

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and if it's a family party, You'd Better Bloody Dance.

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I'm not looking like a tit on my own!

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The dancing show I'd like to see is Dances With Wolves.

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A minor celebrity dancing whilst crying.

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WHIMPERS

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FIERCE BARKING AND SNAPPING

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I'm going to pitch that.

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I love Strictly.

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As soon as Brucie danced out on the first step episode, I thought,

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"I bloody love you." When he does his "jokes"...

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he always reminds me of Basil Brush.

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He's all teeth and expectation!

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Boom boom!

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That's just his pacemaker.

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My mam always said, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say

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"anything at all," so please welcome Strictly judge Craig Revel Horwood.

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APPLAUSE

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-Hello, Craig.

-Hello, darling.

-Welcome to the show, love.

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Thank you, my love.

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-You've had an interesting life, haven't you?

-I have.

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Can we expect to see the Craig Revel Horwood movie?

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Well, that would be good. I'd enjoy that.

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I don't know that the viewers would like it though.

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Who would play you in the film of your life? Kylie, or...?

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That's not a bad idea. She just needs to grow six more feet, darling.

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Have you got a lot of feet?

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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-Were you always judgemental as a child?

-I guess I was.

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I used to judge myself.

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I used to put on little shows for my family at Christmas.

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I'd get dressed up in drag at seven

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and then we had big fabulous sliding doors.

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I'd open them up and do

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the Big Spender number with a feather boa and a blond wig.

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-My father chased me around the house, however.

-It wasn't his wig, was it?

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When you say "at seven",

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was that your age or was that the time of evening you did it?

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And then at nine...

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-Do you dance at weddings?

-No. I hate dancing at weddings.

-Why?

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Because I feel like I'm being judged. I know that sounds odd!

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Dancing in public has never been a good scenario for me.

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But you've made a career off the back of it though. Um...

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Dancing is quite erotic, isn't it? It can be quite erotic on Strictly.

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Are you ever glad that you're behind a desk?

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Well...

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I do like sexy dancing. It's got to be said, darling.

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Who was the worst dancer you've ever had?

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-I think that was Quentin Wilson.

-And what about on the show?

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-Who was worse between John Sergeant and Ann Widdecombe?

-Ann Widdecombe.

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Although she did manage to polish the floor.

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Have you ever held up the wrong number by mistake

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and had to bluff your way through giving that score?

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We have little buzzers that we press

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and I have accidentally pressed the number next to the number I wanted.

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And then of course I had to try and... It was a low score.

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I had to then try and find as many things wrong with it as I could.

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I love the fact that you said there that it was quite a low score,

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like you ever give anything higher than that.

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Well, I remember it was a four. But I'd wanted to give a seven.

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So it was a bit of a disaster.

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So instead of just pausing and saying,

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"I'm sorry, I've made a mistake, let's do it again,"

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-you just carried on saying how shit they were!

-The point...

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-It's live television. What can you do, darling?

-Be nicer?

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-Have you ever regretted being too harsh?

-Only once.

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When I called Patsy Palmer a scrubber

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in a puffer jacket that cries all the time.

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I did regret that actually. She's a very lovely lady.

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-Were you getting her mixed up with her character again?

-Yeah.

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Yeah, it's easy to do, isn't it?

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And finally, you were the face of British Sausage Week...

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LAUGHTER

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Don't go any further with that.

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You can't tell me what to do. I'm not dancing.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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I was King of the Sizzle!

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When you signed up to it,

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did you think you were signing up to something different?

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No, I knew exactly what I was in for,

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but I loved the trophies I used to hand out.

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They were complete big sausages, probably about that big.

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All gold. And they looked exactly like dildos. They were hilarious.

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And I had to hand them

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to every butcher that won for the best sausage!

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That might be the best job anybody's ever had.

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Thanks so much for coming on the show.

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Ladies and gentlemen, Craig Revel Horwood.

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APPLAUSE

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He's lovely really, isn't he? Britain's Got Talent is tricky.

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You can't compare jugglers and dancing dogs.

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Yes, you can, cos jugglers are shit.

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I like to see them practising backstage.

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The juggler juggling and the dog going mental watching all the balls.

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Throw the bloody thing!

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I think, if a dog can really dance, put it on Strictly.

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Brendan Cole has finally met his match.

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He does strike me as something of a leg humper anyway.

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It must be hard for the contestants on Britain's Got Talent.

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Being buzzed off by David Walliams is not as fun as it sounds.

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I buzz myself off at home all the time.

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It's the only way I can watch the show.

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I drove past the Britain's Got Talent audition queue in Birmingham.

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I didn't know that's what it was at the time.

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I assumed it was the dole office.

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I thought, "Why is he signing on with a hula hoop?"

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Britain's Got Talent went all over the world.

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Canada's Got Talent ran for only one series. Turns out...nope!

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Andrew Lloyd Webber does those talent shows where

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he tries to find something good for the West End of London.

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In my experience, it'd be more toilets.

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And fewer twats.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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I love those search for a star programmes,

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especially the Lloyd Webber Jobcentre ones.

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But when someone got voted off, it was brutal.

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For the Wizard of Oz,

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the one leaving had to hand in her ruby slippers. Ouch.

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For the Sound of Music, the rest of the contestants sang,

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# So long, farewell... #

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Brutal. I don't know if you saw the Jesus Christ Superstar one.

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They nailed him to a cross!

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If you come back on Sunday, the job's yours.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Now, I've always enjoyed judging people. You, horrible top.

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-Um...

-LAUGHTER

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It's nice.

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But what would it be like to do it professionally?

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Let's ask someone who knows and add a bit of girl power to the proceedings.

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Please welcome Superstar judge Melanie C.

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APPLAUSE

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-Hello. Thank you very much for coming on the show.

-It's a pleasure.

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I'm so excited to have an actual Spice Girl in the room.

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-I'm a massive fan.

-A real life one.

-And the best one. Um...

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-APPLAUSE

-Totally. See? I'm right!

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I've got a really important question that I've been dying to ask you.

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What is it like when Victoria smiles?

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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You must have seen her smile!

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She's got such a pretty face, if she smiled, it would be so lovely.

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-Is it nice? Is it like Narnia?

-Yes. The thing is...

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The thing is with Victoria, if you're with her in private,

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she's so funny and she's always laughing and joking,

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but I think, you know, she's one of the most written about written about

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and photographed women in the world and I think her pout is her armour.

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-That's how she feels comfortable.

-To protect herself, I suppose.

-Yeah.

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Next time you see her, just get her to sneak one out once in a while.

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I mean a smile. That sounds terrible!

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What was the audition for the Spice Girls like?

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It was weird. The first thing was on how you looked and how you moved.

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They were like, "Yeah, yeah, no, no, yeah."

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-Oh, that's harsh!

-And then you came back to sing.

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So singing was very secondary?

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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I fell into that trap!

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You should have lied, said the singing was first.

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-Yes, it was.

-If a Spice Girl turned up to an audition now,

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who would you put through and who would you send home,?

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-if you were on the other side?

-AUDIENCE: Oooh!

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-How mean's that?

-I totally went there. Shut your face!

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You know what?

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With the girls, we all would admit we all had different strengths

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and tried to play to that. There were some great singers in the band.

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Everyone can sing, but some were stronger than others and some are better dancers than others.

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A band needs all of that. I think with the Spice Girls, what made us

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so successful, was our chemistry and our energy.

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It would have been better if you'd picked one, but it's fine.

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We'll add that in later on.

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Yeah, ask me a question and take one of the names and edit it in.

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It's all editing. It's fine.

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Now, when I've had a crappy day, and this is true,

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I put the Spice Girls on and I dance around in my nightie in my flat.

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-Do you?

-Is there music you always put on when you've had a crappy day?

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Um...

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I like some like big ballads cos singing makes me feel great.

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So I like really give it loads. I do that in the car as well.

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I don't think about people seeing you.

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At traffic lights, when you pull up and you glance across,

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and you realise they have just seen you feeling for beard.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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It's dangerous to get your tweezers out,

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but if you've got nails, you can just try and get a couple.

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Now, you helped to find Jesus for Jesus Christ Superstar with

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Andrew Lloyd Webber.

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On a scale of one to ten, how creepy is he in person?

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The things is, I have to say about Andrew, is I think

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he is probably the most misunderstood person in the public eye.

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But he's a genius. And I was astounded by him.

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He was funny, he was quick and he was so kind to the contestants.

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I need to press you for a number.

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SHE LAUGHS

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Zero. He's not creepy, he's lovely.

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Later on, we'll get you to say loads of numbers.

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-And then we'll just cut one in.

-Geri Halliwell.

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Seven.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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I love it that you've just accidentally told us

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which one you would have sent home.

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Not really, Geri. Mwah.

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How do you think the actual Jesus would have done on the show?

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I love what you've done with the loaves and fishes,

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but you sound a bit karaoke.

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What advice would you give to someone on how to win over

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the public on a talent show?

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Well, my advice would be to always be yourself,

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unless you're really boring or a bit of a knob.

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-Unless you're really boring or a bit of a knob.

-Yeah.

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And then you should suppress that!

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Just be really fake.

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Just be really fake!

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That's the best advice ever!

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That's advice for life!

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Now, the whole Olympics was obviously just a cover

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for the real agenda, which was to get the Spice Girls back together.

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No, that's fact.

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Whose idea was it to get you all in Zimmer frames?

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-Yeah.

-We've got a photo of this, on top of the taxis.

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Of all the Spice Girls, who do you think has aged the best?

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AUDIENCE: Oooh!

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-Cos I think they've all aged really well.

-Looking pretty good actually.

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We're doing all right.

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We're all getting close to 40, or...someone is 40.

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-LAUGHTER

-Which...?

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-Which one's 40?

-Your favourite.

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-You're my favourite.

-Aw, thanks.

-Genuinely.

-I'm 38.

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-I'm 37.

-Are you?

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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I don't know what I've won, but I've definitely won!

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Maybe, as an ending...

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Maybe you could judge how I've interviewed you.

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Oh, my God!

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-How did I do?

-Well, you know...

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I've been interviewed a lot of times by lots of different people,

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all over the world, for many years.

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And... And that was one of them.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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AUDIENCE: Aw!

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-No, I've really enjoyed it.

-I'm still 37.

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Um... Thank you so much for coming on the show.

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Ladies and gentlemen, Melanie C.

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CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

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Now, let's talk about medical shows.

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I love One Born Every Minute, the documentary set in a maternity ward.

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Thankfully, there isn't one born every minute in the show.

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I don't know if I could watch 60 pixelated nunnies,

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one after the other.

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Mine doesn't look like that. Theirs are all squared off.

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My pain threshold is very low. At my second ever smear test... Oh, yes.

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We're going there.

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-LAUGHTER

-..I was pretty tense.

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The first one, you don't really know what's going to happen.

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And then the second one, you know exactly what's going to happen.

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When the nurse had finished, she saw how tense I still was and said,

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"You're going to have to relax.

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"If you don't, you're going to be taking it home."

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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I've seen a woman on One Born Every Minute where the baby's

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stuck halfway out.

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If that was me, I'd say, "You know what? Just leave it.

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"I'll buy bigger pants.

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"If I take my bra off, my boobs will probably still reach."

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One Born Every Minute is a very female-heavy programme,

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understandably, but they could encourage more men

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to watch by having an honest male voiceover.

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Something like, "Tracy is making a fuss.

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"Tracy is crying. Again.

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"Tracy should remember whose idea this was in the first place."

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Medical dramas are good for men

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because they hate going to the doctor's.

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My boyfriend got a box set, in the hope the rash he'd got would crop up on Quincy.

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I saw Dr Christian on a new version of his show called

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Embarrassing Old Bodies.

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It was daft o'clock in the morning and I'm watching old men's todgers.

0:21:080:21:12

And I thought, "It's time for bed." I mean, as in...

0:21:130:21:16

-"It's time for bed."

-SHE YAWNS

0:21:160:21:19

Not like, "It's time for bed!"

0:21:190:21:22

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:21:220:21:24

I'm the youngest and I was always a little bugger to my older sister.

0:21:260:21:30

My mam used to pick her up whenever she used slang.

0:21:300:21:33

So my sister would say, "Am gaan oot" and my mam would reply,

0:21:330:21:36

"You're going out!"

0:21:360:21:38

And I would irritatingly parrot, "You're going out!"

0:21:380:21:41

One time, my sister had been to hospital about a bad finger.

0:21:410:21:45

When she came back, I said, "What's the matter with it?"

0:21:450:21:48

She said, "It's gangrene," and I went, "It's going green!"

0:21:480:21:52

I love on Holby, you know when they go in with a bad ankle, they

0:21:540:21:58

always get told they've actually got a problem with their heart?

0:21:580:22:01

It's like a mechanic padding out the bill.

0:22:010:22:03

Have you noticed that all of the extras seem to do

0:22:030:22:06

the rounds of the other soaps? I find myself watching someone on their deathbed and thinking,

0:22:060:22:11

"Let the bugger die. He was shoplifting from Rita's Kabin last week!"

0:22:110:22:16

You know? I think I'd be useless in Casualty.

0:22:180:22:21

PHONE RINGS AND CASUALTY THEME MUSIC

0:22:210:22:24

I told me mam not to ring us while I'm at work.

0:22:240:22:27

Oh, God! I'm actually IN Casualty, aren't I?

0:22:270:22:29

Please welcome Tony Marshall, Azuka Oforka, Suzanne Packer and Charlie Dale from Casualty.

0:22:290:22:35

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

0:22:350:22:37

Hello!

0:22:370:22:39

Welcome to the show. Thank you for coming.

0:22:390:22:43

Do any of you walk past people up ladders or using a chainsaw

0:22:430:22:46

and think, "I know what's going to happen here. I've seen this one"?

0:22:460:22:51

-No, that hasn't happened.

-That's never happened?

0:22:510:22:53

Do people ever confuse you with your roles?

0:22:530:22:56

Suzanne, do people ever just lob it out and say, "Do you mind having a look at this, pet?"

0:22:560:23:00

They do it on a Sunday morning

0:23:020:23:04

when I am trying to nip in to a DVD shop in me pyjamas

0:23:040:23:08

and then they start asking me advice on their bleeding piles.

0:23:080:23:13

Wow!

0:23:130:23:15

Your character, Big Mac -

0:23:170:23:20

-you've been a hospital porter for five years.

-Mm-hmm.

0:23:200:23:22

Do you just lack ambition?

0:23:220:23:24

He's like me. He's just happy where he is.

0:23:270:23:30

-Happy where he is?

-Exactly.

-Anything for a peaceful life?

0:23:300:23:33

-Exactly.

-I like it.

0:23:330:23:35

Why does no-one on Casualty ever know they're pregnant,

0:23:350:23:38

before they end up just pushing their baby out?

0:23:380:23:41

It's not like we don't know what causes it!

0:23:440:23:46

I think, perhaps, we've got a lot of fuller figured actresses, perhaps.

0:23:470:23:52

And they don't notice.

0:23:520:23:54

AUDIENCE: Ooohh!

0:23:540:23:55

What?

0:23:550:23:56

I speak as a fuller-figured member!

0:23:580:24:01

So you think women are fatter and they don't know they're pregnant?

0:24:030:24:06

You asked the question, not me.

0:24:060:24:08

I asked the question. You answered like that, though, flower!

0:24:080:24:11

Shall we move on?

0:24:120:24:14

You'll know this. How do you get blood out of your clothes?

0:24:140:24:17

Is it the same as red wine?

0:24:170:24:18

Do you have to like, splash on a white bodily fluid?

0:24:180:24:22

RAUCOUS LAUGHTER

0:24:220:24:24

There's a couple of people going, "I've tried that, it doesn't work!"

0:24:260:24:30

"You just end up with a hell of a mess on your carpet!"

0:24:300:24:33

Have any of you ever tried just kissing it better?

0:24:350:24:37

-Excuse me?

-When you're at work,

0:24:370:24:40

and somebody's not very well, just tried kissing it better, yourself?

0:24:400:24:44

-Oh, kissing it BETTER!

-What do you think I said?

0:24:440:24:48

-I don't know, I don't know.

-Did you think I said kissing it bigger?

0:24:480:24:51

That does work!

0:24:530:24:54

LAUGHTER

0:24:540:24:56

Why, on Casualty - it's been going a long time, hasn't it -

0:25:020:25:06

have you never had an accident where someone's been hoovering and...

0:25:060:25:11

LAUGHTER

0:25:110:25:14

..and their trousers fall down...

0:25:160:25:17

RAUCOUS LAUGHTER

0:25:170:25:20

..and they trip and they end up with the hose up their arsehole?

0:25:200:25:23

Because my friend's boyfriend said this happens all the time!

0:25:230:25:27

-All the time?

-We have had a mobile phone in a certain area.

0:25:270:25:32

-I can reveal.

-Did you?

0:25:320:25:35

They were checking the ringtone or something?

0:25:350:25:38

RAUCOUS LAUGHTER

0:25:380:25:41

I can't add anything funnier to that.

0:25:420:25:46

PHONE RINGS

0:25:460:25:50

Excuse me.

0:25:500:25:52

Yes?

0:25:520:25:54

Yes, visiting hours are from two to eight.

0:25:540:25:56

No problem. All right. Bye.

0:25:560:26:00

PHONE RINGS

0:26:000:26:03

Holby City Casualty unit.

0:26:030:26:06

Aha, yeah. Oh, you poor thing!

0:26:060:26:10

Does it smell a bit?

0:26:100:26:12

Is there a discharge? Really?

0:26:140:26:17

That is a lot, isn't it? No, no, no, don't come in!

0:26:170:26:21

SIREN WAILS

0:26:210:26:23

But Channel 5 might want to make a documentary about you.

0:26:230:26:27

Oh, em, just take two Neurofen and try not to scratch it, flower.

0:26:270:26:32

What's happening over here? Who's this then?

0:26:330:26:37

SARAH GIGGLES

0:26:370:26:39

Excuse me, are you medically qualified?

0:26:440:26:47

Erm...in a...

0:26:470:26:49

..in a Gillian McKeith sort of way.

0:26:490:26:52

So, no, not really.

0:26:540:26:57

SHE GIGGLES

0:26:590:27:01

CASUALTY THEME TUNE

0:27:010:27:04

CHEERING AND WHISTLING

0:27:040:27:07

But I've got me own uniform!

0:27:090:27:13

It's wipe clean.

0:27:130:27:14

Inside AND out.

0:27:140:27:17

SHE GIGGLES

0:27:170:27:20

-SENSUOUSLY:

-Plums!

0:27:250:27:28

Nurse, patient's complaining of pain in the lower legs.

0:27:330:27:37

I am going in for CPR.

0:27:370:27:39

# Nelly the elephant packed her trunk and said goodbye to the circus... #

0:27:400:27:43

Join in if you know it!

0:27:430:27:45

# Off she went with a trumpety-trump Trump, trump, trump. #

0:27:450:27:48

PATIENT FLATLINES

0:27:480:27:51

We're losing him.

0:27:510:27:52

Give me the dif...the diff...tip

0:27:520:27:54

..the jump-starty thing.

0:27:540:27:56

DEFIBRILLATOR CHARGES

0:27:560:27:59

Clear!

0:27:590:28:00

FAINT RHYTHM

0:28:020:28:04

No...work...work with us, flower.

0:28:050:28:09

Have you not seen the telly ever?

0:28:090:28:12

When I do the doof, you do the jump at the same time. Is that all right?

0:28:120:28:15

We'll get you in RADA, it'll be champion, love. Yeah, OK, right.

0:28:150:28:19

Clear!

0:28:190:28:21

DEFIBRILLATOR CHARGES

0:28:210:28:22

Clear!

0:28:220:28:24

RHYTHM PULSES

0:28:240:28:25

CHEERING

0:28:250:28:27

DEFIBRILLATOR CHARGES

0:28:310:28:33

Excuse me, love. Where do you think you're going with that, now?

0:28:420:28:45

This is bloody brilliant. I'm taking it home.

0:28:450:28:48

Thanks so much for coming into the show. Ladies and gentlemen,

0:28:500:28:52

Tony, Azuka, Charlie and Suzanne from Casualty.

0:28:520:28:57

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:570:29:01

That's it for tonight.

0:29:040:29:05

Unfortunately, we didn't have time to talk about House -

0:29:050:29:08

Hugh Laurie's limp,

0:29:080:29:09

although he wouldn't be if I got me hands on him!

0:29:090:29:13

The documentary The Man Who Looks Like A Tree.

0:29:150:29:17

He looks better now that he's had his roots done!

0:29:170:29:20

And we haven't had time to talk about Embarrassing Bodies Live -

0:29:220:29:26

which is just the changing room at Primark! Good night!

0:29:260:29:29

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:29:290:29:32

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:29:320:29:35

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