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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:00:17 | 0:00:21 | |
Hello and welcome to The Sarah Millican Television Programme. | 0:00:35 | 0:00:39 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:00:39 | 0:00:42 | |
Now, I don't know about you, but I love watching telly with Twitter on | 0:00:43 | 0:00:47 | |
as it's like watching telly with your friends but you don't have to hoover or buy crisps. | 0:00:47 | 0:00:51 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:00:51 | 0:00:53 | |
Watching the telly with one eye on Twitter is like chatting round your office water cooler, | 0:00:53 | 0:00:58 | |
-or taps, like we used to call them. -LAUGHTER | 0:00:58 | 0:01:01 | |
But without the added stress that at some point you might have to change the big bottle. | 0:01:01 | 0:01:05 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:01:05 | 0:01:07 | |
I used to work in an office and when the water cooler was running low, I'd start bringing in Capri Suns. | 0:01:07 | 0:01:13 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:01:13 | 0:01:14 | |
I'll just risk a bladder infection, it'll be fine. | 0:01:14 | 0:01:17 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:01:17 | 0:01:19 | |
I enjoy watching the show Hoarders. | 0:01:19 | 0:01:21 | |
It puts everything into perspective, watching someone deliberate about | 0:01:21 | 0:01:25 | |
whether they should throw out a dead rat or if they might need it. | 0:01:25 | 0:01:28 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:01:28 | 0:01:31 | |
I really love One Born Every Minute. | 0:01:31 | 0:01:34 | |
Not for the babies, I just like watching men look like they're going to pass out. | 0:01:34 | 0:01:37 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:01:37 | 0:01:41 | |
You know, I love the beginning of I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here | 0:01:48 | 0:01:52 | |
when they reveal all of the contestants, cos there's always one you thought was dead. | 0:01:52 | 0:01:56 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:01:56 | 0:01:59 | |
I'm not sure I could handle it in the jungle. I'm not very good at being hungry. | 0:01:59 | 0:02:03 | |
-LAUGHTER -I'd end up just picking off the other contestants. | 0:02:03 | 0:02:06 | |
-LAUGHTER -They'd come back and go, "Where's Frankie Dettori?" | 0:02:06 | 0:02:11 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:02:11 | 0:02:15 | |
"Sorry, it's two o'clock and I haven't had a sandwich." | 0:02:15 | 0:02:18 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:02:18 | 0:02:20 | |
There's always one girl who ends up in the shower all the time looking sexy in a white bikini. | 0:02:20 | 0:02:25 | |
The first one was Myleene Klass. | 0:02:25 | 0:02:28 | |
Every time I watched her, I just kept thinking, "But when's she going to wash her fanny properly?" | 0:02:28 | 0:02:33 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:02:33 | 0:02:36 | |
When does she go back in with her Bic razor and her special flannel? | 0:02:39 | 0:02:43 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:02:43 | 0:02:45 | |
For me, the worst task would be putting a bikini on. | 0:02:45 | 0:02:49 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:02:49 | 0:02:52 | |
"I don't want to." "Come on, get it on." | 0:02:52 | 0:02:55 | |
"If you don't put it on, you'll have to eat those kangaroo anuses over there." | 0:02:55 | 0:02:59 | |
"Those? I've been eating those all day!" | 0:02:59 | 0:03:03 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:03:03 | 0:03:05 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:03:05 | 0:03:08 | |
-"I thought they were nibbles." -LAUGHTER | 0:03:09 | 0:03:13 | |
I've always been a fan of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. | 0:03:13 | 0:03:16 | |
Remember when that bloke tried to cheat by having someone cough in the audience? | 0:03:16 | 0:03:20 | |
They thought the same thing had happened on Countdown, | 0:03:20 | 0:03:23 | |
but it turned out pensioners have a lot of phlegm. | 0:03:23 | 0:03:25 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:03:25 | 0:03:28 | |
One of my friends once rang me to say he'd been picked to go on Millionaire. | 0:03:28 | 0:03:32 | |
He was so excited. He said he needed a Phone A Friend. I was so flattered. | 0:03:32 | 0:03:35 | |
-LAUGHTER -Then he said, "Have you go Ron's number?" | 0:03:35 | 0:03:38 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:03:38 | 0:03:41 | |
-Have you seen All Star Mr And Mrs? -AUDIENCE: Yes! | 0:03:41 | 0:03:45 | |
I'm waiting for one where the wife says, "Don't bother putting him in the booth, he never bloody listens." | 0:03:45 | 0:03:50 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:03:50 | 0:03:54 | |
The celebs who've been on All Star Mr And Mrs include John Prescott and his wife Pauline, | 0:03:55 | 0:04:00 | |
Warwick Davis and his wife Sammy and Ulrika Jonsson plus one. | 0:04:00 | 0:04:04 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:04:04 | 0:04:08 | |
Ooh, and Simon Cowell and a mirror. | 0:04:08 | 0:04:10 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:04:10 | 0:04:13 | |
I used to love Family Fortunes. | 0:04:15 | 0:04:17 | |
One of my friends used to panic because she thought Family Fortunes was obligatory. | 0:04:17 | 0:04:21 | |
-Eventually, all families had to go on. -LAUGHTER | 0:04:21 | 0:04:24 | |
-Like jury service. -LAUGHTER | 0:04:24 | 0:04:26 | |
I've never done jury service, but when a fella I know did it, | 0:04:26 | 0:04:30 | |
-he got told off for milking it. -LAUGHTER | 0:04:30 | 0:04:32 | |
When it was time to deliver the verdict, he paused, then said, | 0:04:32 | 0:04:35 | |
"First, let's have a look at his best bits." | 0:04:35 | 0:04:38 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:04:38 | 0:04:41 | |
I love Take Me Out. | 0:04:41 | 0:04:43 | |
You can sometimes see the girls struggling to give Paddy a reason | 0:04:43 | 0:04:46 | |
for why they've turned their light off. You can't just go, "Urghhh!" | 0:04:46 | 0:04:50 | |
-LAUGHTER -I saw one where she said... | 0:04:50 | 0:04:53 | |
-.."Because he looks like me dad!" -LAUGHTER | 0:04:55 | 0:04:58 | |
You don't know who your dad is. | 0:04:58 | 0:05:00 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:05:00 | 0:05:02 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:05:02 | 0:05:05 | |
But everyone is looking for love. | 0:05:06 | 0:05:08 | |
I like reading the classifieds, the I Saw You section. | 0:05:08 | 0:05:11 | |
You know, "You were the bloke on the bus listening to your iPod and looking out of the window. | 0:05:11 | 0:05:16 | |
"I was the girl standing right beside you crying, | 0:05:16 | 0:05:19 | |
-"full of another man's child." -LAUGHTER | 0:05:19 | 0:05:23 | |
-"Coffee?" -LAUGHTER | 0:05:23 | 0:05:26 | |
John Fashanu presents the Nigerian version of Deal Or No Deal. | 0:05:26 | 0:05:30 | |
They won't open the final box until you've paid a small handling fee. | 0:05:30 | 0:05:33 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:05:33 | 0:05:35 | |
The name The Banker sounds like the nickname of a girl you can definitely get off with. | 0:05:35 | 0:05:40 | |
-"Can I just introduce you to Jane? She's The Banker." -LAUGHTER | 0:05:40 | 0:05:45 | |
You wouldn't do that to blokes, though, cos they're all bankers. | 0:05:45 | 0:05:48 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:05:48 | 0:05:50 | |
I even bought a Deal Or No Deal boxset. | 0:05:50 | 0:05:53 | |
-Bit disappointing. Half of them didn't really have anything in them. -LAUGHTER | 0:05:53 | 0:05:57 | |
To find out about that and other goings on at the Dream Factory, | 0:05:57 | 0:06:00 | |
please welcome, live from the Deal Or No Deal studio, Noel Edmonds! | 0:06:00 | 0:06:04 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:06:04 | 0:06:07 | |
-Hello, Noel! -Hello! | 0:06:07 | 0:06:09 | |
Thank you very much for coming on the show! | 0:06:09 | 0:06:11 | |
My pleasure! I love the gags. | 0:06:11 | 0:06:14 | |
Now, you've been a well-known face of television for over 30 years, | 0:06:14 | 0:06:19 | |
fronted numerous hit programmes, | 0:06:19 | 0:06:21 | |
so what I really want to know from you is, | 0:06:21 | 0:06:23 | |
how do you get your beard looking so neat? | 0:06:23 | 0:06:26 | |
-LAUGHTER -Is it a spray-on? | 0:06:26 | 0:06:28 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:06:28 | 0:06:31 | |
-How do you keep it so tidy? Do you get a woman in? -LAUGHTER | 0:06:31 | 0:06:35 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:06:38 | 0:06:41 | |
-Yes, you do? -SHE LAUGHS -Don't say that! | 0:06:41 | 0:06:45 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:06:45 | 0:06:48 | |
This is good. This is brilliant. | 0:06:48 | 0:06:51 | |
Your beard is very tidy. How often do you trim it? | 0:06:51 | 0:06:55 | |
Cos that reminds me, I must get a strimmer cord for my bikini line. | 0:06:55 | 0:06:58 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:06:58 | 0:07:00 | |
HE LAUGHS | 0:07:00 | 0:07:03 | |
-Do you trim it every day? -LAUGHTER | 0:07:03 | 0:07:06 | |
-Cos I do mine about once a week. -First thing in the morning. -LAUGHTER | 0:07:06 | 0:07:10 | |
-Just before I have to start tucking it in my socks. -Do you want me to answer? | 0:07:10 | 0:07:14 | |
-Yeah, I do. -LAUGHTER | 0:07:14 | 0:07:18 | |
How do you feel about James May stealing your hair? | 0:07:19 | 0:07:23 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:07:23 | 0:07:26 | |
Cos you used to present Top Gear, didn't you? Do you ever look at James May | 0:07:26 | 0:07:30 | |
and his hair and his shirts and go, "Hang on..."? | 0:07:30 | 0:07:32 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:07:32 | 0:07:36 | |
-Do I get to say anything? -LAUGHTER | 0:07:36 | 0:07:39 | |
All the bits where you're laughing, you can talk during any one of them. | 0:07:39 | 0:07:42 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:07:42 | 0:07:45 | |
-OK, well, let's ask you a question you can answer. -You do appreciate, | 0:07:45 | 0:07:48 | |
I am at a disadvantage here cos I can't actually see you. | 0:07:48 | 0:07:52 | |
You can see me and you could be embellishing this humour | 0:07:52 | 0:07:55 | |
with all sorts of nasty and provoking hand gestures. | 0:07:55 | 0:08:00 | |
-LAUGHTER -I'm not doing anything at all. | 0:08:00 | 0:08:02 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:08:02 | 0:08:06 | |
Yeah, I can just imagine what you did then. | 0:08:06 | 0:08:09 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:08:09 | 0:08:11 | |
Moving on to Deal Or No Deal, is it true that there's a dwarf on a railway line under the studio floor | 0:08:11 | 0:08:16 | |
-that changes what's in the boxes? -LAUGHTER | 0:08:16 | 0:08:21 | |
-Yes. -LAUGHTER | 0:08:23 | 0:08:25 | |
I think that's an exclusive. I think we just got an exclusive. | 0:08:25 | 0:08:28 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:08:28 | 0:08:30 | |
Now, why are the contestants on the show so chummy? | 0:08:30 | 0:08:34 | |
Cos they all stay together, don't they, during the series. | 0:08:34 | 0:08:39 | |
Do you think they're opening each other's boxes backstage? | 0:08:39 | 0:08:42 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:08:42 | 0:08:44 | |
There has been that. | 0:08:44 | 0:08:46 | |
We very fortunately have created a very friendly atmosphere at the hotel | 0:08:46 | 0:08:52 | |
and we've had marriages, we've had babies | 0:08:52 | 0:08:57 | |
and we've had a couple in the lift who didn't realise the hotel have a camera in the lift. | 0:08:57 | 0:09:02 | |
-LAUGHTER -Oooh! | 0:09:02 | 0:09:06 | |
-They're pally. -LAUGHTER | 0:09:06 | 0:09:08 | |
Now, some people come on and have a system for how they're going to choose their boxes, don't they? | 0:09:08 | 0:09:14 | |
-Yeah. -Has there been a really ridiculous system? | 0:09:14 | 0:09:16 | |
The best one, without a doubt, was the guy that came along | 0:09:16 | 0:09:21 | |
and started choosing the numbers | 0:09:21 | 0:09:23 | |
and he was doing it right here and then I said to him, | 0:09:23 | 0:09:26 | |
"How are you doing this?" and he said, "Well, just before I left to come to Bristol, | 0:09:26 | 0:09:31 | |
"I got my dog to choose the numbers." | 0:09:31 | 0:09:34 | |
And it was like, "Well, how did your dog choose the numbers?" | 0:09:34 | 0:09:38 | |
He said, "Well, I wrote numbers on bits of cheese | 0:09:38 | 0:09:41 | |
"and then noted which bits of cheese the dog went for." | 0:09:41 | 0:09:46 | |
And we, by this time, had chosen about 16 boxes and I asked him why he'd stopped. | 0:09:46 | 0:09:51 | |
He said, "At that point, the dog threw up." | 0:09:51 | 0:09:54 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:09:54 | 0:09:58 | |
Now, are you the last person in Britain still using a landline? | 0:09:58 | 0:10:03 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:10:03 | 0:10:06 | |
-Yes. Yes. -LAUGHTER | 0:10:11 | 0:10:15 | |
Have you ever said anything mean about someone and blamed it on The Banker? | 0:10:15 | 0:10:20 | |
-LAUGHTER -You're just... | 0:10:20 | 0:10:23 | |
-Oh, he has! -LAUGHTER | 0:10:23 | 0:10:26 | |
No! No. No, no, no. | 0:10:27 | 0:10:31 | |
No, no, no, I'm on the player's side. | 0:10:31 | 0:10:33 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:10:33 | 0:10:35 | |
What's the weirdest thing you've ever found in a box. | 0:10:35 | 0:10:38 | |
For example, has anyone ever done the popcorn trick on you? | 0:10:38 | 0:10:41 | |
Do you know what the popcorn trick is? | 0:10:41 | 0:10:44 | |
-Where you put it over your... -No. -LAUGHTER | 0:10:44 | 0:10:48 | |
You put the popcorn... This is a good tip for the next time you go to the cinema with your lovely lady, | 0:10:48 | 0:10:52 | |
-you put the popcorn over your ge.... genitals... -LAUGHTER | 0:10:52 | 0:10:56 | |
..and you force yourself through the popcorn | 0:10:56 | 0:10:59 | |
so that she just, "Oh, I'll have a bit more popcorn, I'll have a bit more popcorn..." | 0:10:59 | 0:11:03 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:11:03 | 0:11:05 | |
..and then... Is this only something that I've done? | 0:11:05 | 0:11:09 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:11:09 | 0:11:11 | |
Yes. Yes? OK. | 0:11:11 | 0:11:14 | |
The audience don't know what that is, you don't know what that is. | 0:11:14 | 0:11:17 | |
-But now you do, now you can try it. -LAUGHTER | 0:11:17 | 0:11:21 | |
It must be awful for you when you go to the swimming pool and have to choose a locker. | 0:11:21 | 0:11:25 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:11:25 | 0:11:28 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:11:28 | 0:11:32 | |
This is fantastic! I'm loving this, Sarah. You are fantastic. | 0:11:34 | 0:11:40 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:11:40 | 0:11:42 | |
How long did it take you to get annoyed with people in shops | 0:11:42 | 0:11:45 | |
saying "Deal!" at you all the time? | 0:11:45 | 0:11:48 | |
I never get annoyed, cos I had ten years of bloody Blobby. | 0:11:48 | 0:11:52 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:11:52 | 0:11:55 | |
-That's a brilliant answer. -It's a breath of fresh air when people start talking about Deal | 0:11:55 | 0:12:00 | |
when you've been followed around by a pink and yellow moron. | 0:12:00 | 0:12:03 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:12:03 | 0:12:04 | |
That's still Blobby, right? That's not your wife, is it? | 0:12:04 | 0:12:07 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:12:07 | 0:12:10 | |
-Ooh! -SARAH LAUGHS | 0:12:10 | 0:12:13 | |
-Ooh! Yellow card. -LAUGHTER | 0:12:13 | 0:12:17 | |
Now, I've been watching you since I was seven. | 0:12:17 | 0:12:19 | |
How come I've got older and you haven't? | 0:12:19 | 0:12:22 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:12:22 | 0:12:24 | |
Well, is this the medium for me to actually confess | 0:12:24 | 0:12:29 | |
that when I joined the BBC, I lied about my age | 0:12:29 | 0:12:34 | |
because I knew that Radio 1 | 0:12:34 | 0:12:38 | |
would not hire an eight-year-old... | 0:12:38 | 0:12:40 | |
-LAUGHTER -..so I added ten years to my age. | 0:12:40 | 0:12:43 | |
SHE LAUGHS | 0:12:43 | 0:12:45 | |
You're asking all the questions. Did you enjoy your time here when you did the celebrity show? | 0:12:45 | 0:12:49 | |
-Because you were rather good. -It was amazing. It was one of the most amazing days of my life. | 0:12:49 | 0:12:54 | |
-It was fantastic. -Bless you. Thank you, love. | 0:12:54 | 0:12:57 | |
You won £20,000, it was brilliant. | 0:12:57 | 0:13:00 | |
Did you say I only won? | 0:13:00 | 0:13:02 | |
-LAUGHTER -No. I didn't use the word "only". | 0:13:02 | 0:13:05 | |
-Are you sure? -You could've had more money, | 0:13:05 | 0:13:07 | |
but obviously you're not skilled at playing such a sophisticated game. | 0:13:07 | 0:13:11 | |
-AUDIENCE: Ooooh! -Right, OK. | 0:13:11 | 0:13:14 | |
Well, now that you've said that, I think it's about time that we made you play the game. | 0:13:14 | 0:13:18 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:13:18 | 0:13:20 | |
It's time for Deal Or Noel Deal. | 0:13:20 | 0:13:24 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:13:24 | 0:13:26 | |
THEME MUSIC PLAYS | 0:13:26 | 0:13:29 | |
-What do you want me to do? -I'm going to give you the numbers, | 0:13:31 | 0:13:35 | |
you can open the boxes, and there are questions inside each box for you. OK? | 0:13:35 | 0:13:39 | |
-Right, yes. -The questions I think that you'll like are all blue. | 0:13:39 | 0:13:43 | |
The questions that are a bit cheekier are red. | 0:13:43 | 0:13:47 | |
So let's pick a number. The first one, let me see, erm, let's go for number seven. | 0:13:47 | 0:13:52 | |
That was the age when I first saw you on TV | 0:13:52 | 0:13:56 | |
and realised how nice beards are. | 0:13:56 | 0:13:58 | |
-LAUGHTER -Open the box, Noel. | 0:13:58 | 0:14:02 | |
Good luck. | 0:14:04 | 0:14:06 | |
-Yes, it's red! -LAUGHTER | 0:14:06 | 0:14:08 | |
Do you have the same stylist as Mary Berry? | 0:14:08 | 0:14:13 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:14:13 | 0:14:17 | |
-HE LAUGHS -Yes. | 0:14:17 | 0:14:18 | |
-Excellent. -I cannot deny it. | 0:14:18 | 0:14:21 | |
I work on the principle that if you don't change the way you look | 0:14:21 | 0:14:25 | |
then you're going to be trendy about once every seven years. | 0:14:25 | 0:14:28 | |
-LAUGHTER -Is that coming round any time soon? | 0:14:28 | 0:14:31 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:14:31 | 0:14:34 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:14:34 | 0:14:37 | |
Now let's try box 22. | 0:14:37 | 0:14:40 | |
That's the number of yards that restraining order says I should stay away from you. | 0:14:40 | 0:14:44 | |
-PHONE RINGS -Ooh. | 0:14:44 | 0:14:46 | |
Hold on, I've got The Banker on. | 0:14:48 | 0:14:51 | |
Uh-huh. He's offered me three grand. | 0:14:51 | 0:14:54 | |
He says I was mis-sold PPI and I'm entitled to make a claim. | 0:14:55 | 0:14:58 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:14:58 | 0:15:01 | |
OK, Noel, open the box! | 0:15:03 | 0:15:06 | |
Number 22. Good luck. | 0:15:06 | 0:15:08 | |
Yes. | 0:15:08 | 0:15:10 | |
-It's red again! -LAUGHTER | 0:15:10 | 0:15:13 | |
Do you ever ask your wife if you can open her box? | 0:15:13 | 0:15:17 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:15:17 | 0:15:20 | |
-PHONE RINGS -Oh, saved by the bell. | 0:15:20 | 0:15:23 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:15:23 | 0:15:25 | |
My first pet's name was Password. | 0:15:25 | 0:15:29 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:15:29 | 0:15:31 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:15:31 | 0:15:34 | |
My mother's maiden name? My mother never married, thanks very much for bringing that up. | 0:15:34 | 0:15:39 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:15:39 | 0:15:41 | |
Thank you so much for coming on the show, Noel. | 0:15:41 | 0:15:44 | |
-Ladies and gentlemen, Noel Edmonds. -Oh, thank you. | 0:15:44 | 0:15:47 | |
-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE -Thank you, Sarah. Thank you. | 0:15:47 | 0:15:50 | |
I heard that on his show Apocalypse, | 0:15:56 | 0:15:59 | |
Derren Brown was accused of using an actor. | 0:15:59 | 0:16:01 | |
-That's never happened on Hollyoaks. -LAUGHTER | 0:16:01 | 0:16:05 | |
Derren Brown's Apocalypse made a man believe that humanity had come to an end | 0:16:05 | 0:16:09 | |
as he ran around a devastated landscape. | 0:16:09 | 0:16:12 | |
Derren's best trick on that show, though, | 0:16:12 | 0:16:14 | |
was making the Welcome To Swindon sign disappear. | 0:16:14 | 0:16:17 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:16:17 | 0:16:20 | |
Come to think of it, Derren Brown's greatest ever trick | 0:16:20 | 0:16:23 | |
-was making Paul McKenna disappear. -LAUGHTER | 0:16:23 | 0:16:26 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:16:26 | 0:16:28 | |
I'm a bit scared of hypnotists and illusionists. | 0:16:30 | 0:16:34 | |
Whenever Derren Brown says, "I can control your mind" | 0:16:34 | 0:16:37 | |
I think, "Not on mute, you can't!" | 0:16:37 | 0:16:39 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:16:39 | 0:16:42 | |
I think women are harder to please where magic is concerned. | 0:16:42 | 0:16:45 | |
Producing a rabbit is nothing. We've all got one in our bedside cabinets. | 0:16:45 | 0:16:49 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:16:49 | 0:16:52 | |
But there aren't many female magicians, are there? | 0:16:55 | 0:16:58 | |
I suppose you don't want to go home to your dad and tell him you're making money doing tricks. | 0:16:58 | 0:17:02 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:17:02 | 0:17:05 | |
David Blaine sexed up magic for a while, didn't he? | 0:17:05 | 0:17:07 | |
In 2008, he announced his latest feat was to be called The Upside Down Man. | 0:17:07 | 0:17:12 | |
It was also referred to as The Twat Dangle. | 0:17:12 | 0:17:15 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:17:15 | 0:17:19 | |
Which is what I call it when my nightie's too short. | 0:17:20 | 0:17:23 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:17:23 | 0:17:26 | |
Paul Daniels still says he's the greatest magician there is. | 0:17:30 | 0:17:34 | |
He's what's known as a dillusionist. | 0:17:34 | 0:17:36 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:17:36 | 0:17:38 | |
I always think magicians can seem a bit sad. | 0:17:38 | 0:17:41 | |
-When they bring their card out, I often expect it to say "Help me!" -LAUGHTER | 0:17:41 | 0:17:46 | |
"Look, there's nothing up my sleeves. Just the scars." | 0:17:46 | 0:17:49 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:17:49 | 0:17:52 | |
I don't like it when couples say that there's magic between them. | 0:17:54 | 0:17:58 | |
-I imagine each night he's pulling bunting out of her nunny. -LAUGHTER | 0:17:58 | 0:18:02 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:18:02 | 0:18:06 | |
Magicians often end up marrying their assistants. | 0:18:08 | 0:18:11 | |
It's like they're thinking, "If she'll let me shut her in a box | 0:18:11 | 0:18:14 | |
"and saw her in half, what else will she let us do?" | 0:18:14 | 0:18:17 | |
-LAUGHTER -"And when I finish, will she go ta-da?" | 0:18:17 | 0:18:20 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:18:20 | 0:18:24 | |
What I'd like to do now is find out the tricks of the magic trade. | 0:18:24 | 0:18:27 | |
So please welcome magician Pete Firman! | 0:18:27 | 0:18:29 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:18:29 | 0:18:32 | |
Hiya! | 0:18:34 | 0:18:35 | |
-Thank you. -Thank you very much for coming on the show, Pete. | 0:18:37 | 0:18:42 | |
-My pleasure! -Tell me, are you looking for a new glamorous assistant? | 0:18:42 | 0:18:47 | |
I'm always in the market for one. Have you got a pretty outfit? | 0:18:47 | 0:18:50 | |
-Oh, I thought you were going to say friend. -LAUGHTER | 0:18:50 | 0:18:54 | |
Does magic impress the ladies? Do you find that? | 0:18:56 | 0:18:59 | |
Unfortunately... From my experience, and it might just be me, | 0:18:59 | 0:19:02 | |
-I'm not sure the tricks get the chicks. -Oh, really? | 0:19:02 | 0:19:05 | |
-No. -Not even during... -AUDIENCE: Awww! | 0:19:05 | 0:19:08 | |
-Not even during sexy time? -What do you mean? Like, just, pack of cards from behind the lady's ear? | 0:19:08 | 0:19:15 | |
-No, like now you see it, now you don't. -Oh, right, I see! -LAUGHTER | 0:19:15 | 0:19:20 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:19:20 | 0:19:23 | |
You used to do a lot of really gross stuff, like blending mice and popping maggots out of your eyes. | 0:19:25 | 0:19:31 | |
What's the worst thing you've ever done of that ilk? | 0:19:31 | 0:19:33 | |
Well, those were pretty disgusting. | 0:19:33 | 0:19:36 | |
Regurgitating a goldfish. | 0:19:36 | 0:19:38 | |
-Ohh! Was it alive? -It was alive, yeah. -Oh, right. | 0:19:38 | 0:19:42 | |
Cos I've done that with my dinner and that's just called being sick, flower. | 0:19:42 | 0:19:45 | |
-LAUGHTER -"Oh, the roast potatoes are still alive!" | 0:19:45 | 0:19:48 | |
-LAUGHTER -"Should've chewed them more." | 0:19:48 | 0:19:51 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:19:51 | 0:19:53 | |
-So that's the worst thing you've ever done? -The thing that I quite enjoy doing, | 0:19:53 | 0:19:57 | |
and when I went to Edinburgh, it went down quite well, | 0:19:57 | 0:20:01 | |
I used to do this trick that you mentioned where I dropped a mouse in a food processor. | 0:20:01 | 0:20:06 | |
And it got blended up and then I brought it back to life. | 0:20:06 | 0:20:09 | |
That was the end of the trick. | 0:20:09 | 0:20:11 | |
But halfway through the trick, at the point at which the mouse is blended up, | 0:20:11 | 0:20:15 | |
this lady at the back stands up and she starts swearing | 0:20:15 | 0:20:18 | |
and she's heckling, a couple of lines or whatever, | 0:20:18 | 0:20:23 | |
and I thought it had gone away, and then she storms the stage, | 0:20:23 | 0:20:26 | |
gets up on the stage, all in my grill, swearing and pointing, | 0:20:26 | 0:20:30 | |
"How dare you? That's terrible! That's so mean!" | 0:20:30 | 0:20:32 | |
and I was like, "Come on, don't worry about it, they only cost three quid." | 0:20:32 | 0:20:35 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:20:35 | 0:20:38 | |
-You and Paul Daniels are both from Middlesbrough. -Yeah. | 0:20:39 | 0:20:43 | |
Do you think you could combine your powers | 0:20:43 | 0:20:46 | |
and make Middlesbrough a bit nicer? | 0:20:46 | 0:20:49 | |
-LAUGHTER -Or maybe disappear? | 0:20:49 | 0:20:51 | |
-LAUGHTER -There's nowt wrong with it! | 0:20:51 | 0:20:54 | |
-Aw, it is a lovely place. -It is lovely. | 0:20:54 | 0:20:56 | |
I once did a show in Middlesbrough and I had a fancy thing on my phone | 0:20:56 | 0:21:01 | |
where I could see if there was anything on, cos we had a bit of time to kill, | 0:21:01 | 0:21:04 | |
so I had a look on my phone and I said, "What's to do in Middlesbrough?" | 0:21:04 | 0:21:07 | |
-and it came up, "No results." -LAUGHTER | 0:21:07 | 0:21:10 | |
-I was gutted cos I was on. -LAUGHTER | 0:21:10 | 0:21:14 | |
-I can't have a magician on without you showing me a trick. -OK. | 0:21:16 | 0:21:20 | |
-Shall we go and do some magic? -Definitely. -DING! | 0:21:20 | 0:21:22 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:21:22 | 0:21:25 | |
-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE -Over here! | 0:21:26 | 0:21:29 | |
-That was great! -Thanks. Do you not know how to do that? | 0:21:32 | 0:21:35 | |
That's like step one in magic. I can't believe you can't do that. You had to walk across. What a loser. | 0:21:35 | 0:21:40 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:21:40 | 0:21:42 | |
So, what have you got for us? | 0:21:42 | 0:21:45 | |
-Well, I tell you what, I'll show you a trick. -OK. | 0:21:45 | 0:21:47 | |
-I want you to have a seat, though. -Right. -The best seat in here. | 0:21:47 | 0:21:50 | |
-It's not a trick seat or anything, is it? -No, no, no. You just sit down. | 0:21:50 | 0:21:53 | |
-OK. I love a bit of sitting down. -Yeah? | 0:21:53 | 0:21:56 | |
Sit yourself down. Relax. It's a trick with a newspaper. | 0:21:56 | 0:21:59 | |
I'm going to thumb through this, and all I ask from you and the audience and everybody at home | 0:21:59 | 0:22:03 | |
is that you just remember something that catches your eye. It could be a picture. | 0:22:03 | 0:22:07 | |
it could be a photograph. Remember something from this particular edition. | 0:22:07 | 0:22:11 | |
Now, if I tore this up, you might have a good idea as to what I was going to try and do. | 0:22:11 | 0:22:16 | |
-Not the dancing dolls. -They must have loved you on a paper round. | 0:22:16 | 0:22:19 | |
-LAUGHTER -I'm going to tear up the pieces | 0:22:19 | 0:22:23 | |
and I'm going to stick the pieces back together using magic. The magic of sticky tape. | 0:22:23 | 0:22:29 | |
I'll take the edges of the newspaper and just squeeze, | 0:22:29 | 0:22:32 | |
and hopefully just by squeezing the edges of the newspaper, I'll force it to fuse back together | 0:22:32 | 0:22:36 | |
so the newspaper is back in one piece. Check it out. | 0:22:36 | 0:22:38 | |
Just a magic word - shazam! | 0:22:38 | 0:22:41 | |
-It's done. -Good, cos there's a coupon in there I wanted. | 0:22:41 | 0:22:44 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:22:44 | 0:22:46 | |
Look, there's the newspaper. | 0:22:46 | 0:22:49 | |
-There's that page... -CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:22:49 | 0:22:52 | |
There's the middle page, there's the third page, there's the front page. | 0:22:52 | 0:22:56 | |
-That's not bad. -Oh, look at that! That is amazing! | 0:22:56 | 0:23:00 | |
-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE -Have you got something you could teach me, though? | 0:23:00 | 0:23:04 | |
Absolutely! I show you mine and... | 0:23:04 | 0:23:07 | |
and you just sit where you are. | 0:23:07 | 0:23:09 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:23:09 | 0:23:12 | |
I've got some bits here and I've got another chair. | 0:23:12 | 0:23:14 | |
-We'll sit side by side. -OK. -So you know the classic card trick, | 0:23:14 | 0:23:17 | |
-this is exactly that. -But I'm doing it. You're going to teach me. | 0:23:17 | 0:23:20 | |
You're going to do it to me. And I've prepared a little bit of a script, | 0:23:20 | 0:23:23 | |
sort of like a framework script, just to keep everything on track. | 0:23:23 | 0:23:27 | |
-So you grab those and whenever you're ready, read the cards. -OK. | 0:23:27 | 0:23:30 | |
-Would you like to see a trick? -I'd love to see a trick! | 0:23:30 | 0:23:33 | |
-Do you have a pack of cards? -I do! What a stroke of luck! | 0:23:33 | 0:23:36 | |
That's good, cos you're a magician. It's like asking a prostitute if she's got a wet wipe. | 0:23:36 | 0:23:41 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:23:41 | 0:23:44 | |
Put those on your lap. When they do the "pick a card, any card," | 0:23:47 | 0:23:50 | |
they always spread them out like that and fan them. | 0:23:50 | 0:23:53 | |
So you grab those and spread them out for me. | 0:23:53 | 0:23:55 | |
-Spread out me fan. -Spread out your fan. | 0:23:55 | 0:23:57 | |
-LAUGHTER -Legs together. | 0:23:57 | 0:23:59 | |
-LAUGHTER -Ah, you know me well, Pete. | 0:23:59 | 0:24:02 | |
Pick a card, any card. | 0:24:02 | 0:24:04 | |
Done like a pro! All right, I'll pick a card. Now you've got to multi-task. Next line. | 0:24:04 | 0:24:09 | |
-Sign your name on the card and show it to the audience. -OK. -Just pretend you're signing on, pet. | 0:24:09 | 0:24:13 | |
-All right! -LAUGHTER -We're going back to Middlesbrough. | 0:24:13 | 0:24:16 | |
-SHE LAUGHS -Done. You have to not look. Avert your little eyes. -OK. | 0:24:16 | 0:24:21 | |
-Don't look at anything on the things. OK. Have we got that? -Have you all seen it? | 0:24:21 | 0:24:25 | |
-AUDIENCE: Yes! -OK. Done. -Shove the card into the deck. | 0:24:25 | 0:24:29 | |
-Just shove it in anywhere. -It says shuffle. -Oh, shuffle! | 0:24:29 | 0:24:32 | |
-LAUGHTER -Shove it in anywhere you like, pet. | 0:24:32 | 0:24:36 | |
OK, so I'll cut the card into the pack. It's lost in the middle. | 0:24:36 | 0:24:41 | |
-Next line. -I snap my fingers and the card has vanished. | 0:24:41 | 0:24:45 | |
-Careful, I might end up back over there. -LAUGHTER | 0:24:45 | 0:24:48 | |
-That's brilliant. -Thanks. I'm good at snapping. | 0:24:48 | 0:24:50 | |
We've got to check whether it's disappeared. | 0:24:50 | 0:24:53 | |
Let's go through. No, no, no, no, no, no, no... | 0:24:53 | 0:24:57 | |
-Are you going to pick them up? -You've got staff, haven't you? | 0:24:57 | 0:25:00 | |
-No, no, no, it's gone! Oh, my goodness! -Whoo! | 0:25:00 | 0:25:04 | |
-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE -Incredible! | 0:25:04 | 0:25:07 | |
-What was your card? -It was the six of diamonds. | 0:25:07 | 0:25:11 | |
-Six of diamonds. -You're not going to believe this, and neither am I, | 0:25:11 | 0:25:16 | |
-because, dot, dot, dot, I'm sitting on it! -You can't be! | 0:25:16 | 0:25:19 | |
I don't believe it! Stand up! | 0:25:19 | 0:25:22 | |
-Step to the side. There is a card! -SARAH SQUEALS | 0:25:22 | 0:25:24 | |
-There is a card! -CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:25:24 | 0:25:26 | |
It's my card! It's my card! | 0:25:26 | 0:25:30 | |
-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE -Wow! Hey, and it's still warm. -Ohh. | 0:25:30 | 0:25:35 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:25:36 | 0:25:38 | |
I did do a little fart cos I was nervous. | 0:25:38 | 0:25:41 | |
-LAUGHTER -It smells like magic. | 0:25:41 | 0:25:43 | |
-LAUGHTER -That's all well and good, in fact, I was clearly brilliant, | 0:25:43 | 0:25:47 | |
but real magic is when you saw someone in half. | 0:25:47 | 0:25:50 | |
DRAMATIC MUSIC AUDIENCE: Oooh! | 0:25:50 | 0:25:53 | |
-This looks good. -APPLAUSE | 0:25:53 | 0:25:56 | |
Shoes off. Watch yourself. | 0:25:58 | 0:26:01 | |
-Get yourself in. -Ooh, you bugger. -LAUGHTER | 0:26:02 | 0:26:05 | |
-That's right, graceful. -Oh, God, has anybody got any butter? | 0:26:05 | 0:26:09 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:26:09 | 0:26:12 | |
-That's good. -I'm so graceful! -LAUGHTER | 0:26:12 | 0:26:16 | |
-Shimmy down that way. -Shimmy down. -Yep. -OK. -Lay back. | 0:26:16 | 0:26:20 | |
-Are your hands in? -Yes. -Just put them like that. | 0:26:20 | 0:26:23 | |
-LAUGHTER -It saves time later. | 0:26:23 | 0:26:25 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:26:25 | 0:26:28 | |
-Happy? -Yes. -I'm not going to get you on the lady bits? | 0:26:28 | 0:26:31 | |
Right. | 0:26:31 | 0:26:33 | |
-I'm surprised that's shut over my boobs, actually. -LAUGHTER | 0:26:34 | 0:26:38 | |
-That's cos half of them are under my arms. -LAUGHTER | 0:26:38 | 0:26:41 | |
-And over here we've got Sarah's legs. -Oh, are you opening my flaps? | 0:26:41 | 0:26:45 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:26:45 | 0:26:47 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:26:47 | 0:26:50 | |
I don't think Debbie's this rude. | 0:26:54 | 0:26:57 | |
-LAUGHTER -And then the other stuff. | 0:26:57 | 0:27:00 | |
-That's the boob cupboard. -LAUGHTER | 0:27:00 | 0:27:02 | |
-This is exciting! -LAUGHTER | 0:27:02 | 0:27:07 | |
-I'm going to need a bigger saw. -LAUGHTER | 0:27:13 | 0:27:16 | |
-Bollocks! -LAUGHTER | 0:27:22 | 0:27:25 | |
We're going to run out of time here. That's it for tonight. | 0:27:25 | 0:27:28 | |
Unfortunately, we didn't have time to talk about University Challenge. | 0:27:28 | 0:27:32 | |
I thought that was getting through freshers' week without getting the clap. | 0:27:32 | 0:27:36 | |
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE | 0:27:36 | 0:27:38 | |
Don't Forget The Lyrics. I really liked that special edition they did with Paul McCartney | 0:27:38 | 0:27:43 | |
-at the opening ceremony of the Olympics. -LAUGHTER | 0:27:43 | 0:27:46 | |
-Eggheads, or as it should be called, Are You Smarter Than A 60-Year-Old? -LAUGHTER | 0:27:46 | 0:27:52 | |
We didn't have time to talk about Can't Cook, Won't Cook. | 0:27:52 | 0:27:55 | |
There aren't enough TV shows that sound like an argument. | 0:27:55 | 0:27:57 | |
"And I won't bloody hoover, either!" | 0:27:57 | 0:28:00 | |
CHAINSAW WHIRRS | 0:28:00 | 0:28:03 | |
Good night! | 0:28:03 | 0:28:05 | |
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE | 0:28:05 | 0:28:08 | |
SARAH SCREAMS | 0:28:13 | 0:28:15 | |
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd | 0:28:17 | 0:28:21 | |
. | 0:28:21 | 0:28:21 |