Episode 2 The Sarah Millican Television Programme


Episode 2

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Transcript


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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hello and welcome to The Sarah Millican Television Programme.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Now, I don't know about you, but I love watching telly with Twitter on

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as it's like watching telly with your friends but you don't have to hoover or buy crisps.

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LAUGHTER

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Watching the telly with one eye on Twitter is like chatting round your office water cooler,

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-or taps, like we used to call them.

-LAUGHTER

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But without the added stress that at some point you might have to change the big bottle.

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LAUGHTER

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I used to work in an office and when the water cooler was running low, I'd start bringing in Capri Suns.

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LAUGHTER

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I'll just risk a bladder infection, it'll be fine.

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LAUGHTER

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I enjoy watching the show Hoarders.

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It puts everything into perspective, watching someone deliberate about

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whether they should throw out a dead rat or if they might need it.

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LAUGHTER

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I really love One Born Every Minute.

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Not for the babies, I just like watching men look like they're going to pass out.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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You know, I love the beginning of I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here

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when they reveal all of the contestants, cos there's always one you thought was dead.

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LAUGHTER

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I'm not sure I could handle it in the jungle. I'm not very good at being hungry.

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-LAUGHTER

-I'd end up just picking off the other contestants.

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-LAUGHTER

-They'd come back and go, "Where's Frankie Dettori?"

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LAUGHTER

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"Sorry, it's two o'clock and I haven't had a sandwich."

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LAUGHTER

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There's always one girl who ends up in the shower all the time looking sexy in a white bikini.

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The first one was Myleene Klass.

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Every time I watched her, I just kept thinking, "But when's she going to wash her fanny properly?"

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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When does she go back in with her Bic razor and her special flannel?

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LAUGHTER

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For me, the worst task would be putting a bikini on.

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LAUGHTER

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"I don't want to." "Come on, get it on."

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"If you don't put it on, you'll have to eat those kangaroo anuses over there."

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"Those? I've been eating those all day!"

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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-"I thought they were nibbles."

-LAUGHTER

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I've always been a fan of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.

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Remember when that bloke tried to cheat by having someone cough in the audience?

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They thought the same thing had happened on Countdown,

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but it turned out pensioners have a lot of phlegm.

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LAUGHTER

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One of my friends once rang me to say he'd been picked to go on Millionaire.

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He was so excited. He said he needed a Phone A Friend. I was so flattered.

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-LAUGHTER

-Then he said, "Have you go Ron's number?"

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LAUGHTER

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-Have you seen All Star Mr And Mrs?

-AUDIENCE: Yes!

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I'm waiting for one where the wife says, "Don't bother putting him in the booth, he never bloody listens."

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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The celebs who've been on All Star Mr And Mrs include John Prescott and his wife Pauline,

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Warwick Davis and his wife Sammy and Ulrika Jonsson plus one.

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LAUGHTER

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Ooh, and Simon Cowell and a mirror.

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LAUGHTER

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I used to love Family Fortunes.

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One of my friends used to panic because she thought Family Fortunes was obligatory.

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-Eventually, all families had to go on.

-LAUGHTER

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-Like jury service.

-LAUGHTER

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I've never done jury service, but when a fella I know did it,

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-he got told off for milking it.

-LAUGHTER

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When it was time to deliver the verdict, he paused, then said,

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"First, let's have a look at his best bits."

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LAUGHTER

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I love Take Me Out.

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You can sometimes see the girls struggling to give Paddy a reason

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for why they've turned their light off. You can't just go, "Urghhh!"

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-LAUGHTER

-I saw one where she said...

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-.."Because he looks like me dad!"

-LAUGHTER

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You don't know who your dad is.

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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But everyone is looking for love.

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I like reading the classifieds, the I Saw You section.

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You know, "You were the bloke on the bus listening to your iPod and looking out of the window.

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"I was the girl standing right beside you crying,

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-"full of another man's child."

-LAUGHTER

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-"Coffee?"

-LAUGHTER

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John Fashanu presents the Nigerian version of Deal Or No Deal.

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They won't open the final box until you've paid a small handling fee.

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LAUGHTER

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The name The Banker sounds like the nickname of a girl you can definitely get off with.

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-"Can I just introduce you to Jane? She's The Banker."

-LAUGHTER

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You wouldn't do that to blokes, though, cos they're all bankers.

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LAUGHTER

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I even bought a Deal Or No Deal boxset.

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-Bit disappointing. Half of them didn't really have anything in them.

-LAUGHTER

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To find out about that and other goings on at the Dream Factory,

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please welcome, live from the Deal Or No Deal studio, Noel Edmonds!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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-Hello, Noel!

-Hello!

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Thank you very much for coming on the show!

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My pleasure! I love the gags.

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Now, you've been a well-known face of television for over 30 years,

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fronted numerous hit programmes,

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so what I really want to know from you is,

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how do you get your beard looking so neat?

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-LAUGHTER

-Is it a spray-on?

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LAUGHTER

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-How do you keep it so tidy? Do you get a woman in?

-LAUGHTER

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LAUGHTER

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-Yes, you do?

-SHE LAUGHS

-Don't say that!

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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This is good. This is brilliant.

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Your beard is very tidy. How often do you trim it?

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Cos that reminds me, I must get a strimmer cord for my bikini line.

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LAUGHTER

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HE LAUGHS

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-Do you trim it every day?

-LAUGHTER

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-Cos I do mine about once a week.

-First thing in the morning.

-LAUGHTER

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-Just before I have to start tucking it in my socks.

-Do you want me to answer?

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-Yeah, I do.

-LAUGHTER

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How do you feel about James May stealing your hair?

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LAUGHTER

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Cos you used to present Top Gear, didn't you? Do you ever look at James May

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and his hair and his shirts and go, "Hang on..."?

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LAUGHTER

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-Do I get to say anything?

-LAUGHTER

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All the bits where you're laughing, you can talk during any one of them.

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LAUGHTER

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-OK, well, let's ask you a question you can answer.

-You do appreciate,

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I am at a disadvantage here cos I can't actually see you.

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You can see me and you could be embellishing this humour

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with all sorts of nasty and provoking hand gestures.

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-LAUGHTER

-I'm not doing anything at all.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Yeah, I can just imagine what you did then.

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APPLAUSE

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Moving on to Deal Or No Deal, is it true that there's a dwarf on a railway line under the studio floor

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-that changes what's in the boxes?

-LAUGHTER

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-Yes.

-LAUGHTER

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I think that's an exclusive. I think we just got an exclusive.

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LAUGHTER

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Now, why are the contestants on the show so chummy?

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Cos they all stay together, don't they, during the series.

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Do you think they're opening each other's boxes backstage?

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LAUGHTER

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There has been that.

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We very fortunately have created a very friendly atmosphere at the hotel

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and we've had marriages, we've had babies

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and we've had a couple in the lift who didn't realise the hotel have a camera in the lift.

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-LAUGHTER

-Oooh!

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-They're pally.

-LAUGHTER

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Now, some people come on and have a system for how they're going to choose their boxes, don't they?

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-Yeah.

-Has there been a really ridiculous system?

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The best one, without a doubt, was the guy that came along

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and started choosing the numbers

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and he was doing it right here and then I said to him,

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"How are you doing this?" and he said, "Well, just before I left to come to Bristol,

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"I got my dog to choose the numbers."

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And it was like, "Well, how did your dog choose the numbers?"

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He said, "Well, I wrote numbers on bits of cheese

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"and then noted which bits of cheese the dog went for."

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And we, by this time, had chosen about 16 boxes and I asked him why he'd stopped.

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He said, "At that point, the dog threw up."

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LAUGHTER

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Now, are you the last person in Britain still using a landline?

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LAUGHTER

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-Yes. Yes.

-LAUGHTER

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Have you ever said anything mean about someone and blamed it on The Banker?

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-LAUGHTER

-You're just...

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-Oh, he has!

-LAUGHTER

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No! No. No, no, no.

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No, no, no, I'm on the player's side.

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LAUGHTER

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What's the weirdest thing you've ever found in a box.

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For example, has anyone ever done the popcorn trick on you?

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Do you know what the popcorn trick is?

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-Where you put it over your...

-No.

-LAUGHTER

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You put the popcorn... This is a good tip for the next time you go to the cinema with your lovely lady,

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-you put the popcorn over your ge.... genitals...

-LAUGHTER

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..and you force yourself through the popcorn

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so that she just, "Oh, I'll have a bit more popcorn, I'll have a bit more popcorn..."

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LAUGHTER

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..and then... Is this only something that I've done?

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LAUGHTER

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Yes. Yes? OK.

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The audience don't know what that is, you don't know what that is.

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-But now you do, now you can try it.

-LAUGHTER

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It must be awful for you when you go to the swimming pool and have to choose a locker.

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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This is fantastic! I'm loving this, Sarah. You are fantastic.

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LAUGHTER

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How long did it take you to get annoyed with people in shops

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saying "Deal!" at you all the time?

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I never get annoyed, cos I had ten years of bloody Blobby.

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LAUGHTER

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-That's a brilliant answer.

-It's a breath of fresh air when people start talking about Deal

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when you've been followed around by a pink and yellow moron.

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LAUGHTER

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That's still Blobby, right? That's not your wife, is it?

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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-Ooh!

-SARAH LAUGHS

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-Ooh! Yellow card.

-LAUGHTER

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Now, I've been watching you since I was seven.

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How come I've got older and you haven't?

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LAUGHTER

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Well, is this the medium for me to actually confess

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that when I joined the BBC, I lied about my age

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because I knew that Radio 1

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would not hire an eight-year-old...

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-LAUGHTER

-..so I added ten years to my age.

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SHE LAUGHS

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You're asking all the questions. Did you enjoy your time here when you did the celebrity show?

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-Because you were rather good.

-It was amazing. It was one of the most amazing days of my life.

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-It was fantastic.

-Bless you. Thank you, love.

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You won £20,000, it was brilliant.

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Did you say I only won?

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-LAUGHTER

-No. I didn't use the word "only".

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-Are you sure?

-You could've had more money,

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but obviously you're not skilled at playing such a sophisticated game.

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-AUDIENCE: Ooooh!

-Right, OK.

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Well, now that you've said that, I think it's about time that we made you play the game.

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LAUGHTER

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It's time for Deal Or Noel Deal.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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THEME MUSIC PLAYS

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-What do you want me to do?

-I'm going to give you the numbers,

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you can open the boxes, and there are questions inside each box for you. OK?

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-Right, yes.

-The questions I think that you'll like are all blue.

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The questions that are a bit cheekier are red.

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So let's pick a number. The first one, let me see, erm, let's go for number seven.

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That was the age when I first saw you on TV

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and realised how nice beards are.

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-LAUGHTER

-Open the box, Noel.

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Good luck.

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-Yes, it's red!

-LAUGHTER

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Do you have the same stylist as Mary Berry?

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LAUGHTER

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-HE LAUGHS

-Yes.

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-Excellent.

-I cannot deny it.

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I work on the principle that if you don't change the way you look

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then you're going to be trendy about once every seven years.

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-LAUGHTER

-Is that coming round any time soon?

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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Now let's try box 22.

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That's the number of yards that restraining order says I should stay away from you.

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-PHONE RINGS

-Ooh.

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Hold on, I've got The Banker on.

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Uh-huh. He's offered me three grand.

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He says I was mis-sold PPI and I'm entitled to make a claim.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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OK, Noel, open the box!

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Number 22. Good luck.

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Yes.

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-It's red again!

-LAUGHTER

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Do you ever ask your wife if you can open her box?

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LAUGHTER

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-PHONE RINGS

-Oh, saved by the bell.

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LAUGHTER

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My first pet's name was Password.

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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My mother's maiden name? My mother never married, thanks very much for bringing that up.

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LAUGHTER

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Thank you so much for coming on the show, Noel.

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-Ladies and gentlemen, Noel Edmonds.

-Oh, thank you.

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-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Thank you, Sarah. Thank you.

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I heard that on his show Apocalypse,

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Derren Brown was accused of using an actor.

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-That's never happened on Hollyoaks.

-LAUGHTER

0:16:010:16:05

Derren Brown's Apocalypse made a man believe that humanity had come to an end

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as he ran around a devastated landscape.

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Derren's best trick on that show, though,

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was making the Welcome To Swindon sign disappear.

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LAUGHTER

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Come to think of it, Derren Brown's greatest ever trick

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-was making Paul McKenna disappear.

-LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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I'm a bit scared of hypnotists and illusionists.

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Whenever Derren Brown says, "I can control your mind"

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I think, "Not on mute, you can't!"

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LAUGHTER

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I think women are harder to please where magic is concerned.

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Producing a rabbit is nothing. We've all got one in our bedside cabinets.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:16:490:16:52

But there aren't many female magicians, are there?

0:16:550:16:58

I suppose you don't want to go home to your dad and tell him you're making money doing tricks.

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LAUGHTER

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David Blaine sexed up magic for a while, didn't he?

0:17:050:17:07

In 2008, he announced his latest feat was to be called The Upside Down Man.

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It was also referred to as The Twat Dangle.

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LAUGHTER

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Which is what I call it when my nightie's too short.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:17:230:17:26

Paul Daniels still says he's the greatest magician there is.

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He's what's known as a dillusionist.

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LAUGHTER

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I always think magicians can seem a bit sad.

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-When they bring their card out, I often expect it to say "Help me!"

-LAUGHTER

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"Look, there's nothing up my sleeves. Just the scars."

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LAUGHTER

0:17:490:17:52

I don't like it when couples say that there's magic between them.

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-I imagine each night he's pulling bunting out of her nunny.

-LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

0:18:020:18:06

Magicians often end up marrying their assistants.

0:18:080:18:11

It's like they're thinking, "If she'll let me shut her in a box

0:18:110:18:14

"and saw her in half, what else will she let us do?"

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-LAUGHTER

-"And when I finish, will she go ta-da?"

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LAUGHTER

0:18:200:18:24

What I'd like to do now is find out the tricks of the magic trade.

0:18:240:18:27

So please welcome magician Pete Firman!

0:18:270:18:29

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hiya!

0:18:340:18:35

-Thank you.

-Thank you very much for coming on the show, Pete.

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-My pleasure!

-Tell me, are you looking for a new glamorous assistant?

0:18:420:18:47

I'm always in the market for one. Have you got a pretty outfit?

0:18:470:18:50

-Oh, I thought you were going to say friend.

-LAUGHTER

0:18:500:18:54

Does magic impress the ladies? Do you find that?

0:18:560:18:59

Unfortunately... From my experience, and it might just be me,

0:18:590:19:02

-I'm not sure the tricks get the chicks.

-Oh, really?

0:19:020:19:05

-No.

-Not even during...

-AUDIENCE: Awww!

0:19:050:19:08

-Not even during sexy time?

-What do you mean? Like, just, pack of cards from behind the lady's ear?

0:19:080:19:15

-No, like now you see it, now you don't.

-Oh, right, I see!

-LAUGHTER

0:19:150:19:20

APPLAUSE

0:19:200:19:23

You used to do a lot of really gross stuff, like blending mice and popping maggots out of your eyes.

0:19:250:19:31

What's the worst thing you've ever done of that ilk?

0:19:310:19:33

Well, those were pretty disgusting.

0:19:330:19:36

Regurgitating a goldfish.

0:19:360:19:38

-Ohh! Was it alive?

-It was alive, yeah.

-Oh, right.

0:19:380:19:42

Cos I've done that with my dinner and that's just called being sick, flower.

0:19:420:19:45

-LAUGHTER

-"Oh, the roast potatoes are still alive!"

0:19:450:19:48

-LAUGHTER

-"Should've chewed them more."

0:19:480:19:51

LAUGHTER

0:19:510:19:53

-So that's the worst thing you've ever done?

-The thing that I quite enjoy doing,

0:19:530:19:57

and when I went to Edinburgh, it went down quite well,

0:19:570:20:01

I used to do this trick that you mentioned where I dropped a mouse in a food processor.

0:20:010:20:06

And it got blended up and then I brought it back to life.

0:20:060:20:09

That was the end of the trick.

0:20:090:20:11

But halfway through the trick, at the point at which the mouse is blended up,

0:20:110:20:15

this lady at the back stands up and she starts swearing

0:20:150:20:18

and she's heckling, a couple of lines or whatever,

0:20:180:20:23

and I thought it had gone away, and then she storms the stage,

0:20:230:20:26

gets up on the stage, all in my grill, swearing and pointing,

0:20:260:20:30

"How dare you? That's terrible! That's so mean!"

0:20:300:20:32

and I was like, "Come on, don't worry about it, they only cost three quid."

0:20:320:20:35

LAUGHTER

0:20:350:20:38

-You and Paul Daniels are both from Middlesbrough.

-Yeah.

0:20:390:20:43

Do you think you could combine your powers

0:20:430:20:46

and make Middlesbrough a bit nicer?

0:20:460:20:49

-LAUGHTER

-Or maybe disappear?

0:20:490:20:51

-LAUGHTER

-There's nowt wrong with it!

0:20:510:20:54

-Aw, it is a lovely place.

-It is lovely.

0:20:540:20:56

I once did a show in Middlesbrough and I had a fancy thing on my phone

0:20:560:21:01

where I could see if there was anything on, cos we had a bit of time to kill,

0:21:010:21:04

so I had a look on my phone and I said, "What's to do in Middlesbrough?"

0:21:040:21:07

-and it came up, "No results."

-LAUGHTER

0:21:070:21:10

-I was gutted cos I was on.

-LAUGHTER

0:21:100:21:14

-I can't have a magician on without you showing me a trick.

-OK.

0:21:160:21:20

-Shall we go and do some magic?

-Definitely.

-DING!

0:21:200:21:22

LAUGHTER

0:21:220:21:25

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Over here!

0:21:260:21:29

-That was great!

-Thanks. Do you not know how to do that?

0:21:320:21:35

That's like step one in magic. I can't believe you can't do that. You had to walk across. What a loser.

0:21:350:21:40

LAUGHTER

0:21:400:21:42

So, what have you got for us?

0:21:420:21:45

-Well, I tell you what, I'll show you a trick.

-OK.

0:21:450:21:47

-I want you to have a seat, though.

-Right.

-The best seat in here.

0:21:470:21:50

-It's not a trick seat or anything, is it?

-No, no, no. You just sit down.

0:21:500:21:53

-OK. I love a bit of sitting down.

-Yeah?

0:21:530:21:56

Sit yourself down. Relax. It's a trick with a newspaper.

0:21:560:21:59

I'm going to thumb through this, and all I ask from you and the audience and everybody at home

0:21:590:22:03

is that you just remember something that catches your eye. It could be a picture.

0:22:030:22:07

it could be a photograph. Remember something from this particular edition.

0:22:070:22:11

Now, if I tore this up, you might have a good idea as to what I was going to try and do.

0:22:110:22:16

-Not the dancing dolls.

-They must have loved you on a paper round.

0:22:160:22:19

-LAUGHTER

-I'm going to tear up the pieces

0:22:190:22:23

and I'm going to stick the pieces back together using magic. The magic of sticky tape.

0:22:230:22:29

I'll take the edges of the newspaper and just squeeze,

0:22:290:22:32

and hopefully just by squeezing the edges of the newspaper, I'll force it to fuse back together

0:22:320:22:36

so the newspaper is back in one piece. Check it out.

0:22:360:22:38

Just a magic word - shazam!

0:22:380:22:41

-It's done.

-Good, cos there's a coupon in there I wanted.

0:22:410:22:44

LAUGHTER

0:22:440:22:46

Look, there's the newspaper.

0:22:460:22:49

-There's that page...

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:22:490:22:52

There's the middle page, there's the third page, there's the front page.

0:22:520:22:56

-That's not bad.

-Oh, look at that! That is amazing!

0:22:560:23:00

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Have you got something you could teach me, though?

0:23:000:23:04

Absolutely! I show you mine and...

0:23:040:23:07

and you just sit where you are.

0:23:070:23:09

LAUGHTER

0:23:090:23:12

I've got some bits here and I've got another chair.

0:23:120:23:14

-We'll sit side by side.

-OK.

-So you know the classic card trick,

0:23:140:23:17

-this is exactly that.

-But I'm doing it. You're going to teach me.

0:23:170:23:20

You're going to do it to me. And I've prepared a little bit of a script,

0:23:200:23:23

sort of like a framework script, just to keep everything on track.

0:23:230:23:27

-So you grab those and whenever you're ready, read the cards.

-OK.

0:23:270:23:30

-Would you like to see a trick?

-I'd love to see a trick!

0:23:300:23:33

-Do you have a pack of cards?

-I do! What a stroke of luck!

0:23:330:23:36

That's good, cos you're a magician. It's like asking a prostitute if she's got a wet wipe.

0:23:360:23:41

LAUGHTER

0:23:410:23:44

Put those on your lap. When they do the "pick a card, any card,"

0:23:470:23:50

they always spread them out like that and fan them.

0:23:500:23:53

So you grab those and spread them out for me.

0:23:530:23:55

-Spread out me fan.

-Spread out your fan.

0:23:550:23:57

-LAUGHTER

-Legs together.

0:23:570:23:59

-LAUGHTER

-Ah, you know me well, Pete.

0:23:590:24:02

Pick a card, any card.

0:24:020:24:04

Done like a pro! All right, I'll pick a card. Now you've got to multi-task. Next line.

0:24:040:24:09

-Sign your name on the card and show it to the audience.

-OK.

-Just pretend you're signing on, pet.

0:24:090:24:13

-All right!

-LAUGHTER

-We're going back to Middlesbrough.

0:24:130:24:16

-SHE LAUGHS

-Done. You have to not look. Avert your little eyes.

-OK.

0:24:160:24:21

-Don't look at anything on the things. OK. Have we got that?

-Have you all seen it?

0:24:210:24:25

-AUDIENCE: Yes!

-OK. Done.

-Shove the card into the deck.

0:24:250:24:29

-Just shove it in anywhere.

-It says shuffle.

-Oh, shuffle!

0:24:290:24:32

-LAUGHTER

-Shove it in anywhere you like, pet.

0:24:320:24:36

OK, so I'll cut the card into the pack. It's lost in the middle.

0:24:360:24:41

-Next line.

-I snap my fingers and the card has vanished.

0:24:410:24:45

-Careful, I might end up back over there.

-LAUGHTER

0:24:450:24:48

-That's brilliant.

-Thanks. I'm good at snapping.

0:24:480:24:50

We've got to check whether it's disappeared.

0:24:500:24:53

Let's go through. No, no, no, no, no, no, no...

0:24:530:24:57

-Are you going to pick them up?

-You've got staff, haven't you?

0:24:570:25:00

-No, no, no, it's gone! Oh, my goodness!

-Whoo!

0:25:000:25:04

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Incredible!

0:25:040:25:07

-What was your card?

-It was the six of diamonds.

0:25:070:25:11

-Six of diamonds.

-You're not going to believe this, and neither am I,

0:25:110:25:16

-because, dot, dot, dot, I'm sitting on it!

-You can't be!

0:25:160:25:19

I don't believe it! Stand up!

0:25:190:25:22

-Step to the side. There is a card!

-SARAH SQUEALS

0:25:220:25:24

-There is a card!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:25:240:25:26

It's my card! It's my card!

0:25:260:25:30

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Wow! Hey, and it's still warm.

-Ohh.

0:25:300:25:35

LAUGHTER

0:25:360:25:38

I did do a little fart cos I was nervous.

0:25:380:25:41

-LAUGHTER

-It smells like magic.

0:25:410:25:43

-LAUGHTER

-That's all well and good, in fact, I was clearly brilliant,

0:25:430:25:47

but real magic is when you saw someone in half.

0:25:470:25:50

DRAMATIC MUSIC AUDIENCE: Oooh!

0:25:500:25:53

-This looks good.

-APPLAUSE

0:25:530:25:56

Shoes off. Watch yourself.

0:25:580:26:01

-Get yourself in.

-Ooh, you bugger.

-LAUGHTER

0:26:020:26:05

-That's right, graceful.

-Oh, God, has anybody got any butter?

0:26:050:26:09

LAUGHTER

0:26:090:26:12

-That's good.

-I'm so graceful!

-LAUGHTER

0:26:120:26:16

-Shimmy down that way.

-Shimmy down.

-Yep.

-OK.

-Lay back.

0:26:160:26:20

-Are your hands in?

-Yes.

-Just put them like that.

0:26:200:26:23

-LAUGHTER

-It saves time later.

0:26:230:26:25

LAUGHTER

0:26:250:26:28

-Happy?

-Yes.

-I'm not going to get you on the lady bits?

0:26:280:26:31

Right.

0:26:310:26:33

-I'm surprised that's shut over my boobs, actually.

-LAUGHTER

0:26:340:26:38

-That's cos half of them are under my arms.

-LAUGHTER

0:26:380:26:41

-And over here we've got Sarah's legs.

-Oh, are you opening my flaps?

0:26:410:26:45

LAUGHTER

0:26:450:26:47

APPLAUSE

0:26:470:26:50

I don't think Debbie's this rude.

0:26:540:26:57

-LAUGHTER

-And then the other stuff.

0:26:570:27:00

-That's the boob cupboard.

-LAUGHTER

0:27:000:27:02

-This is exciting!

-LAUGHTER

0:27:020:27:07

-I'm going to need a bigger saw.

-LAUGHTER

0:27:130:27:16

-Bollocks!

-LAUGHTER

0:27:220:27:25

We're going to run out of time here. That's it for tonight.

0:27:250:27:28

Unfortunately, we didn't have time to talk about University Challenge.

0:27:280:27:32

I thought that was getting through freshers' week without getting the clap.

0:27:320:27:36

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:27:360:27:38

Don't Forget The Lyrics. I really liked that special edition they did with Paul McCartney

0:27:380:27:43

-at the opening ceremony of the Olympics.

-LAUGHTER

0:27:430:27:46

-Eggheads, or as it should be called, Are You Smarter Than A 60-Year-Old?

-LAUGHTER

0:27:460:27:52

We didn't have time to talk about Can't Cook, Won't Cook.

0:27:520:27:55

There aren't enough TV shows that sound like an argument.

0:27:550:27:57

"And I won't bloody hoover, either!"

0:27:570:28:00

CHAINSAW WHIRRS

0:28:000:28:03

Good night!

0:28:030:28:05

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:050:28:08

SARAH SCREAMS

0:28:130:28:15

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:170:28:21

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0:28:210:28:21

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