Episode 3 The Sarah Millican Television Programme

This programme contains some strong language.

Hello! And welcome to the Sarah Millican Television Programme!

CHEERING

Now I love telly, but I always want to rename shows with what I think they should be called.

Like I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here should be called

Oh, Yeah, I Remember Him, He Was In That Thing With That Woman.

LAUGHTER

I love Derren Brown's shows. He's a great manipulator of the mind.

He's even convinced us all he's not called Darren.

Jamie Oliver's just done a show on 15-minute meals.

Last time it was 30-minute meals, this time 15. I'll just hang on.

I'll wait until they're three-minute meals, cos he's finally got himself a bloody microwave!

They say television's for everyone, but some programmes are clearly aimed at blokes.

Saying that, Ross Kemp is a guilty pleasure of mine.

Ross Kemp On Gangs. Ross Kemp On Toast!

And if he's unreasonable and a little bit weepy, it's just Ross Kemp On.

And if I need a little bit of testosterone, I watch Danny Dyer.

AUDIENCE "Ooh"

They seem to be sick of using the word "dangerous" in his programmes,

so they've started using softer language, but in that gruff voice.

They say people have been "naughty".

LAUGHTER

Danny, he's a murderer! He needs to go to prison, not on a bloody step!

"There's gonna be a kerfuffle.

"A bit of a to-do."

World's Deadliest Hoo-Has.

I've been watching a lot of Man Versus Food. That is good shit, isn't it?

LAUGHTER

I read on his Facebook page - not that I've been checking him out - that he's retired.

And I thought, "Ah, he's finally full."

I used to think comedy was my dream job. Nope!

There must be an opening for a Woman Versus Food.

Travel the world eating big dinners with people clapping when I finish.

I'm not even bothered about the travelling bit.

I'd like to see a British version of Ice Road Truckers where they have to start a car on a chilly morning.

It's all right. He's got de-icer and a Boots Advantage card for scraping.

Actually, I love Ice Road Truckers. It's not often you get to see 30-metre skid marks.

That's enough about blokey shows. What I enjoy is stuff like The One Show and This Morning.

I love the gear changes that they do where the subjects can vary so dramatically,

you have to get your voice right. Let's see if I can do one now.

LAUGHTER

It's lovely to have Nigel Havers on!

-GRAVELY:

-Herpes affects millions.

I'm a big fan of Sex And The City and one of my male friends told me the reason it has female nudity

is to encourage more male viewers. That's bullshit.

If that were true, Ross Kemp On Gangs would have bits that say,

"We're in hostile terrain, surrounded by landmines and it's over 40 degrees Celsius.

"What shoes would you recommend, Terry?"

I love those makeover shows, especially 10 Years Younger.

I'd like to ring up and say, "Can I go on twice, please?"

I like it when they revisit people they made over. "Are you happier?"

"Well, thanks to you I'm saddled with catalogue debt keeping this up."

LAUGHTER

I see Surprise Surprise has returned, but I do miss Cilla Black.

We always used to watch it on a Sunday night as a family.

Every week my mam would lean over and go, "There's a reason we're not in touch with some of our family.

"So don't get any ideas, right."

Another thing I love is craft shows. The kind of thing presented by Kirstie Allsopp.

I loved craft at school. The best thing about it was painting glue on your hands and peeling it off.

APPLAUSE

Oh, you liked that?

You could pretend you had eczema.

Ah, the fun we had.

My sister made a coil pot for my mam out of clay. My mam gave it a good soak in the sink

as her and my dad had been using it as an ashtray. But when she put her hands in, it had disintegrated!

When I say coil pot, it's made from coiling a sausage of clay around in a circle.

It wasn't somewhere for my mam to keep her coil!

She kept that inside, anyway.

The annoying thing when someone makes you a present is that you can't take it back.

You have to take it apart and hand a small bag of stuff into Hobbycraft. "That's yours."

I could get into pottery, but only if you played Unchained Melody and a ghost was feeling my tits.

In Kirstie's Homemade Home, Kirstie takes what's in your house and makes something amazing.

I followed her lead and turned my boyfriend into a bean bag chair.

She does amazing things. She blew a molten glass bauble and made a wreath.

If I tried to blow a glass bauble, I'd probably need a wreath as well!

Please welcome the woman who makes everything around her lovely - it's Kirstie Allsopp!

-Thank you very much for coming on the show, lovely Kirstie.

-Very nice to be on your vintage set.

-It's old.

People often think that you and Phil Spencer are an item, don't they?

-Yeah.

-Have you ever thought, "Fuck it! I'm going to have a go on that"?

"People are thinking it. I might as well have a go."

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

Damned if you do, damned if you don't. I can deny it until I'm blue in the face. It convinces no one.

-So you have.

-No...! LAUGHTER

It's a very hard to explain relationship.

And...we haven't. People say, "You must have. Some late night in a hotel room. You must have."

-But we just haven't.

-Really?

-It would be like snogging your brother.

-Oh, really?

-Yeah.

I haven't got a brother, but I can imagine.

What's the best offer Phil has given you?

LAUGHTER

He...

This is ALL of the questions. They're all about this.

Have you touched it?

Do you get a better deal from estate agents because they know you?

-Phil and I believe that all estate agents are not bad and some very good ones get a bad rap.

-Really?

-You really believe that?!

-Really.

-Wow. Can you point out the ones that are nice? We don't know any.

AUDIENCE: No!

One estate agent gazumped a client of ours and we were firm.

-Gazumped is a great word. It sounds a lot more fun than it is.

-Yeah.

Have you and Phil ever gazumped?

Do you really do all of this crafts stuff at home? Your loft must be full of crap.

It is absolutely full of crap. I do a lot of fixing at home.

I don't get to do that many new projects, which is a bit sad, but the fixing and mending...

-It takes up less time.

-You can start it. I have a whole collection of little clamps.

-Like big clamps... Actually, let's not go there.

-No, tell us about your clamps, Kirstie.

Tell us about your different-sized clamps.

It's when you glue things. You know, imagine that this bit was coming off the desk.

I'd just bin it. The whole desk.

My boyfriend takes lots of magazines and newspapers into the toilet.

Is that sort of upcycling it into a library?

What you can do with magazines is decoupage.

You can cut pictures out and then stick them. I could decoupage these tables.

Whatever magazines he likes, you could theme that table.

-Like a tit table.

-LAUGHTER

Come on in. I did this myself.

-You do a lot of gluing, don't you?

-Yes.

-What's the stickiest substance you've ever come across?

Adhesive carpet spray.

-Good answer!

-Yes.

-That was mine as well.

Some African tribes use a mixture of semen and blood to glue their drum skins down.

That's not a euphemism, by the way. Will that work with Christmas cards?

-The smell!

-It's the stirring that bothers me.

-You've got to stir it together so that it's blended.

-They've got to emulsify it?

-Yes!

-Wow!

-I don't know. I made that bit up.

What is macrame? Is it the same as other pastas?

-You've made your own babies, haven't you?

-Yes.

That must be the toughest craft there is.

-Was there much stitching and gluing?

-A lot of stitching. 11lbs 11 ounces.

-Oh, my God! That is huge!

-Yeah, that was out the sun roof.

-Do you still love that one?

-Yes... LAUGHTER

-But it was a Caesarean section.

-Yes.

-Obviously.

-As it should be.

Otherwise, you'd be on a cushion still now!

You've got a book out at the moment, haven't you? I followed your advice and instead of buying it,

-I've made a copy.

-LAUGHTER

-That's good.

-This is it here.

APPLAUSE

-You can have a closer look.

-That is beautif...

-Oh, I love that dress.

-Wait until you find what I've stuck it down with!

LAUGHTER

Thanks so much for coming. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Kirstie Allsopp!

I hope she washes her hands first.

My boyfriend can't stand craft shows, but he loves sci-fi.

I quite like sci-fi, but sometimes there's a cop-out at the end.

It's like the writers are sitting at 10 to 4 and they're stuck,

so the lazy bastards just reverse the polarity, whatever that means.

Or it turns out it all happened on the holodeck, the pretendy room.

Like when we had to write a story at school and the teacher said, "You've got 10 minutes to finish,"

so every single story I wrote ended, no matter what was happening, with, "So they all went home and had tea."

LAUGHTER

We went to see Doctor Who Live because my boyfriend's in his 30s.

In the interval, he stood in a queue to meet one of the scarecrows, the silent ones.

In a queue of five-year-olds.

I took a photo of them. He is the happiest I've ever seen him. I'll never make him that happy.

I could get some sackcloth.

"I could be quiet for you."

-LAUGHTER

-He couldn't.

If I was to have sex with an alien in Doctor Who, it would be the Ood. Do you remember them?

They look like they've had loads of tagliatelle just hanging down.

I think that would be pretty special down there.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I like Brian Cox because I think he's made science sexy, hasn't he?

SHOUTS OF "Ooh!"

I like his astronomy shows. I've always been into astronomy, although I don't know anything about it.

When we first got together, me and my boyfriend went away to the country.

We stayed in a little cabin. He kept calling it a chalet, but it was definitely a cabin.

One night, the sky was really clear and he said, "I'm going to show you some constellations."

He pointed out Orion and I thought, "I know that one," but I went, "Ooh!"

Then he said, "That's the North Star," and I thought, "I know that one an' all,"

but I said, "You're so knowledgeable."

Then he said, "There's the Plough." I thought, "I only know those three.

"Everything else from now on in is learning."

He looked around and he went...

"There's another Plough."

I said, "You don't know any more than I do."

We saw five Ploughs that night!

And then he saved me from a bear.

We were in the Lake District.

I said it was probably a badger, but he insisted it was a bear.

It was very low down, so it must have been going on its arms.

LAUGHTER

It was wearing a black and white stripy hat.

The only thing I remember from Science at school is that when there was a fire,

the lab burned down with a green flame.

And always let a Bunsen burner cool down before you start pretending it's a willy.

LAUGHTER

Otherwise, you burn your lips.

APPLAUSE

One time in Science, we had to wire up a frog to a battery

and it turned out that was the last year of the French exchange programme.

We did experiments burning magnesium, growing cress

and seeing how long it took to make the supply teacher cry.

For most of us, Biology class was the first time we got a good look at a man's penis.

He doesn't teach any more.

LAUGHTER

In Physics, we learnt that moisture can reduce friction,

though Christian Andrews had learnt that at the back of the bike sheds.

LAUGHTER

They taught us about all the great scientists.

All I remember about Galileo is that they would not let him go... # Let him go! #

LAUGHTER

I want to find out more about science, so please welcome scientist, doctor, TV presenter

and all-round clever clogs, Michael Mosley!

APPLAUSE

-Hello, Michael.

-Hello.

-Welcome to the show.

You're my favourite scientist because you do stuff that people are interested in

like food and the body...

-and food.

-LAUGHTER

-You swallowed a camera to show the workings of your inside?

-I did indeed.

-You had to drink four pints of laxative at one point?

-I did.

That was to clear out the system before I had to swallow the camera.

It was very unfortunate because that evening I was going to dinner with the Director-General of the BBC

and everything exploded.

It was a very bad moment, but I was beautifully clean when I swallowed the camera the next morning.

If you're ever doing it, my top tip would be don't go out to dinner. Just stay very close to a toilet.

Do not, whatever you do, take the train.

To be honest, every time I've been on a train, it feels like you've already been on there.

You've had your legs waxed and you ate chocolates until you were sick.

Were you just a bit depressed at the time?

What's really, really depressing is the hair has not grown back.

They look better than mine.

Tell us about your famous 5 to 2 diet. Is that what time you have your second dinner?

It's basically fasting. I did this film because I was a bit overweight.

I was about 13½ stone. I went for...

-SHE LAUGHS

-Sorry.

Is that what "overweight" sounds like?

-Yeah.

-I've learnt something tonight. Thanks for that.

They put me through an MRI machine and told me I was a TOFI.

A TOFI is somebody who is thin on the outside, fat inside.

They showed me these images with my kidneys and liver encased in fat.

-They said, "You have to do something about this."

-You're a thin person with a fat person trying to get out?

The fat person is trapped inside.

-So you went on this diet?

-I went on the diet. What happens is I fast two days a week. So on a Monday...

Hold on, hold on. When you say "fast"...

-I have 500 calories.

-How many Minstrels is that?

-About three!

-About three Minstrels?

-No, about two packets.

Are you working on those days?

Yeah, I feel absolutely fine. We get used to just eating three meals a day and we do that all the time.

-Sorry, three?

-LAUGHTER

Four or five or six. The idea of eating a lot less for one day is really quite shocking,

-but when you do it, it's actually all right. Give it a go.

-No.

LAUGHTER

I struggle to get between meals.

I'll challenge you on that one. I'll come back and see the super-slim one. It works.

I don't respond well to peer pressure.

You can't make us. You're not me mam!

You say that going to the gym is a waste of time because then you have a muffin.

Can I just ask where this gym is?

LAUGHTER

Almost every gym. Basically, people go to the gym, they do the exercise and then they reward themselves.

Exercise very rarely helps people lose weight.

They did some research and found that people ate more when they started thinking about doing exercise.

Yeah, because the thought of exercise makes me depressed.

One thing that really interests me is the golden ratio.

-You're going to do a little demonstration for me.

-I am.

-OK, let's go to my lab.

APPLAUSE

So...

So tell me more about the golden ratio.

It's the golden mean, the divine proportion. It was something the Greeks discovered.

-It's probably best if I show it on these guys.

-Yeah. I see my delivery's arrived!

I think this is extraordinary. OK...

I think it's extraordinary as well!

-I'm just going to measure from his...

-From his what?

LAUGHTER

From his belly button. Right, that's 112.

And to the top of his head, just up there...

And there, that's 68.

-So that is 1.64. OK?

-OK.

-And I'm about to do some more.

-OK.

-What are we measuring now, Michael?

-I'm measuring the length of her forearm.

-That is 1.56. OK?

-Right.

So you're kind of beginning to see a pattern here.

I'll do your face. Let's go down there. I think I should not have used the indelible one.

LAUGHTER

So that gives you a ratio of 1.6.

Before we go on with your magic sums, tell me about this. Now...

We know this, don't we? Ladies, we know this, don't we?

That, apparently... You must know this. This is the same size...

-..as your vagina.

-HE LAUGHS

-Did you know that?

-I didn't know that.

Well, it is mine.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Is that not...

-I thought that was a thing. Is that not a thing?

-It's not a thing I've ever heard of.

-Do us your sums.

-Sorry.

What you see here is a ratio of approximately 1.6, 1.62.

The divine proportion is a number of...

1.62 is the absolute epitome of perfection.

He should be ever so slightly longer in the leg. Your arm is very good. Your face is beautiful.

OK, let me... I've got some cards here.

-George Clooney.

-Yeah. SHOUTS OF "Ooh!"

-The audience all went, "Ooh!"

-He's like the ultimate, isn't he, really?

-He is. George is beautiful.

He is 12 inches... SHE LAUGHS

He is 12 inches by 7.5

which is approximately 1.61.

-That is close.

-He has absolutely beautiful proportions.

What about somebody close to my heart, Phillip Schofield?

What do you think? Let's have a measure of him.

-He's too fat in the face and his teeth...

-What?

He's close. His nose is right for his mouth. If I look at the proportions there...

"His nose is right for his mouth!"

He's got a ratio, which is the right one, of about 1.6. His mouth is 1.6 times wider than his nose.

-That's the proportion you're looking for.

-Well, he's still perfect to me.

These are people that we recognise off the telly. What about a normal bloke? We've got this picture.

You look at him and you think, "He's a serial killer."

LAUGHTER

-No, he's really skewy.

-Do you want to tell him to his face? He's in the audience.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I think you look lovely, flower.

-It's my rugby nose.

-It's your rugby nose that makes you look a bit skewy?

You look at that and his nose is almost as wide as his mouth which is not a good look.

But I bet his wife loves him. Am I right? Yes.

She's got a ring on her finger. That's good.

OK, let's do some comparisons.

SHE GIGGLES

I'm looking out at the audience here!

-Whoa, yes!

-Mick Hucknall's not in. Don't worry.

Mick Hucknall and then Michael Mosley.

Now, what's interesting about Mick Hucknall is he's not a looker, is he?

LAUGHTER

He's basically got an enormous, square face.

-Yes.

-I reckon he's about 1.4.

-That's weak, isn't it?

-That's bad.

-What about you? Are you...?

-A bit fat-faced, I'd say.

A bit like a serial killer? I'm getting my own back, flower!

-What about Angelina?

-Ooh!

Ooh, OK. You're interested.

Good.

-And this woman.

-Whoo!

-Do you want to have a go?

-I think I can fix her a bit.

She's all right, isn't she,

but I think if I just did...

Like that. That might help you compare them.

-Does that help?

-That's perfect.

-Is she pretty much perfect?

-As close to perfect as it gets.

I had a look at her earlier and her proportions are perfect...

-On your phone, was it?

-I didn't quite...

LAUGHTER

I haven't tried that one, but they have actually...

A gynaecologist has examined 5,000 uteruses

and he's discovered that the perfect womb is basically a ratio of 1 to 1.6.

-It works the same inside and out?

-Perfect, yeah.

-What about this one?

She's absolutely gorgeous. I don't know who she is. I don't think I've seen her before.

The ratio is just...spectacular.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

What I'd like to do...

I don't know about her, but I'd quite like to do you.

-So I think the nose there... We're getting the look now.

-You're just having fun now, aren't you?

Let's see.

-Ooh...

-Don't "ooh"! What does "ooh" mean?

-I can't breathe now.

-Perfect. Absolutely gorgeous.

-Bless you!

-Better than...?

-Just a bit more, I think, there.

Just blend it into my actual 'tache, why don't you?

-Better than her?

-Which do we prefer?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Thank you so much for coming on the show. Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Mosley!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Better than Angelina. I bet Brad Pitt's regretting that.

Call me, call me.

-Look at the size of that!

-LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

That's it for tonight. Unfortunately, we didn't have time to talk about Trinny and Susannah.

In fact, no-one has for five years.

For God's sake, one of you go into the bloody jungle!

Or Gok Wan who now says he'll make you look like a goddess.

Six arms and the head of an elephant!

What about Chris Tarrant's new show, Extreme Railways?

That's when you're trying to get from Manchester to London for under 100 quid after 4pm on a Friday!

And we haven't had time to talk about Inside Nature's Giants,

which I thought was Peter Andre's documentary about his honeymoon with Jordan. Good night!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd