Episode 4 The Sarah Millican Television Programme

Hello and welcome to the Sarah Millican Television Programme.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The great thing about watching your favourite TV show with other people is NOTHING, stop talking!

LAUGHTER

Yeah, tell us about your day, then.

Are you done?

They're talking again.

Should I just record this and watch it later on, when you've gone?

I never know whether I'm pausing the telly or playing my boyfriend.

I was hoping I might get offered one of those exploring travel shows

like Caroline Quentin's Passage to India.

Although I don't like travelling very far because I've just got a cat.

It would probably just be me going around the Trafford Centre

picking up a few bits.

LAUGHTER

I tried to watch The Voice but I wasn't really sure about it.

The rotating chairs were quite good but I always felt for Tom Jones.

He needs a chair like my Nan had that lifts you out of it.

Then we could pop him in the bath.

I think, thanks to TV,

if pushed, I could give birth, buy some tat at an auction,

get amazing abs in three weeks and teach a child how to behave.

You know how to check a bloke's prostate,

but no-one I know will let us have a go.

LAUGHTER

Have you ever noticed that whenever the news report extreme weather conditions,

it's always much worse than what you've got.

They've got a man in a boat in his lounge and you're all,

"Oh, my shoes are soaking and they're suede!"

I call it the Think Yourself Lucky section of the news.

It should be at the end of every news programme.

"These winds might have broken slates off your roof,

"but this lady is holding onto her dog's tail so he doesn't blow away.

"Think yourself lucky! Goodnight."

It's a really positive way to end the news.

Well, positive for everybody apart from the poor sod in the clip.

"We'd like to film you for BBC News."

"Oh, it's not for the Think Yourself Lucky bit, is it?"

"Yes it is."

"Oh, man!"

I only really watch the news when I have to.

I don't mean, like, if somebody I know is on the run.

"They're not on the six o'clock news, I'll check again at ten."

What I mean is, I usually only watch the news

when I have to prepare for a topical programme like Mock The Week.

The problem with the news is, as soon as I've learned it,

it's bloody changed!

I got a text from a woman I know recently saying,

"Just watched you on Have I Got News For You.

"Loving the dark hair and haven't you lost weight?"

I replied, "No, it was a repeat".

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"I've gone the other way, flower."

Some news can be quite exciting.

As soon as something happens, they have to start talking about it,

even if they don't know what's going on.

"There's been a loud bang in Birmingham,

"so we're asking some of the locals what they think it could be."

You should never get your news from a man in a bobble hat.

The news should definitely have a recap at the beginning, I think.

"Previously on the economy - it was a bit shit

"and now it's a bit better, but no-one's really noticed yet."

I'm not keen on Sky News.

There's someone reading the news,

there's other things going on at the side

and the thing they call the crawler along the bottom with breaking news.

There's just too much going on for me.

It's the same reason why I never bought a rabbit.

It's moving, it's vibrating, then there's the rabbit ears!

Too much, it's too much. It feels like being on the fair.

I used to love Newsround.

Right up until the day I asked my mam for a tortoise

and ten minutes later, John Craven said people weren't allowed tortoises anymore.

It was like my mam had rang him.

Of course, these days, you don't just get the news from the telly,

the Internet is most people's main source.

I often get mine from Twitter and you can take Twitter anywhere.

My boyfriend once came out of the bathroom and said, "Whitney Houston's dead."

I said, "what did you do to her?"

One of my favourite parts of the news is when some poor bugger

is standing in Downing Street late at night for no apparent reason.

So please welcome, live from Downing Street, for no apparent reason,

the BBC's Political Editor, Nick Robinson.

Hello, Nick, thanks very much for joining us.

You've even called your book Live From Downing Street.

Have you ever had to sign for a parcel?

Or a pizza maybe?

You don't have to sign for pizzas, pet -

you've never done that before, have you?

You have to cut up!

So are you just in a caravan a lot of the time,

eating tins of soup, waiting for the big story to break?

If only.

They won't even let us go through the front door of number ten

to have a pee, actually.

So if you're on a big story, they won't let you in.

Do you just do it up against the door instead?

Do you think people who watch the news

but don't really understand it think that you might be the Prime Minister?

You may well laugh, but I was once filming in a pub for a piece,

it was during the Iraq war,

for a piece about public attitudes to the Iraq war.

This guy kept telling me that I ought to bring the troops home.

I said, "I'm not Tony Blair, I just report on what he's doing."

He got more and more angry that I wouldn't bring the troops home.

Eventually, he left the pub and I thought, I'm going to be fine.

He came back with a plastic plate of chips and curry

and then he threw it at me.

It wasn't good because I didn't have another suit.

Did you open your mouth really wide? That's what I would have done.

-Who is your favourite politician?

-Who's my favourite?

I'll tell you someone I miss and I'll get booed when I say this.

I miss George W Bush.

AUDIENCE: Boo!

Because he just gave great news conferences.

I was once asking him a question and we were outside,

it was an incredibly hot day in America.

I'd been in the sun and it might not have escaped your attention, Sarah,

but I'm a little tonsorially challenged, I'm bald.

I hadn't got a hat or sun cream and I was going more and more red.

The president looked at me and he said,

"Next time, you should cover your bald head."

I said, "I didn't know you cared."

I thought he couldn't hear because he was walking off.

He turned around and said, "I don't."

LAUGHTER

Finally, do you ever worry that by wearing a Mac,

people might think you're a flasher?

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you so much for coming on the show, Nick.

-Ladies and gentlemen, Nick Robinson.

-Thank you.

I used to like watching Adrian Childs in the morning

but only because he always looks slightly worse than I do.

I think breakfast news should be more relevant.

Things like, "Debbie came in wearing the same clothes as yesterday,

"what a slut!"

Or they should help you prioritise.

"The economy - now would be a good time to dry your hair.

Watching the news when you wake up.

What the newsreaders need to know

is most men watching them have an erection.

I'd be rubbish at breakfast TV.

..leading to a 70% decline in the bee population worldwide,

so potential problems in store there for us beekeepers, perhaps.

Sarah, what do you think about bees?

I like bees best when they're dying.

In the winter, they want you to stand on them

because they're in such pain.

I just leave them. You climbed in my pot, you're on your own, mate.

Are you tired? I'm tired.

LAUGHTER

I'm sorry if I smell a bit.

Can you smell bacon?

LAUGHTER

In a boost to the economy,

the latest figures show consumer spending rose 1.2% last month.

Do you think there's a light at the end of the tunnel, Sarah?

You never look at me any more, do you Bill?

LAUGHTER

I don't know if you've noticed, but you know nobody's watching at this time in the morning?

-LAUGHTER

-Like, they... might have you on but you'll just be on mute.

LAUGHTER

You're just a clock to most people.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

According to the Met Office, parts of Britain have suffered their coldest winter on record.

Remote areas of northern Scotland have plunged to minus 30 degrees,

the lowest temperature recorded since the big freeze of 1963.

Sarah, what do you do to warm up?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Will you stop asking us questions so early in the morning?

Do you want jam on yours or your special honey from home?

LAUGHTER

I only got up for a wee and this is what happened.

LAUGHTER And now a travel update.

The M6 is congested from junctions 5-9.

There's been an accident on the M25 clockwise at junction 16.

And the A4 is stationary.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Can we do one of those fake-laughter-then-serious-faces- at-the-camera

-that you do so well? Can we do one of those?

-Fake laughter?

I've no idea what you mean.

THEY DO A FAKE LAUGH

LAUGHTER

-So, Bill, you get off at 3:45, is that right?

-I do, yes.

-So what time do you go to bed, then?

-About quarter to ten

-most days.

-Wow.

Like a pensioner.

LAUGHTER

-Or a toddler.

-Yes.

Does somebody tuck you in?

Yes, my wife does.

Oh, lovely! Then she stays up and watches all the porno and that.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Is it hard going to bed that early?

LAUGHTER

No! They are filthy!

That was a genuine question!

She just tucks me in and then she leaves the room.

LAUGHTER

I tend to get a bit windy first thing in the morning.

Are there any tips you could give us

for squeaking one out quietly?

LAUGHTER

-Some...

-Did you just do one there?!

LAUGHTER

-You finish work at 9:15, don't you?

-Yes.

-What do you do for the rest of your day?

-Well,

er, start preparing for the programme for the next day,

so get briefed about...

More news?

More news, but I go home and have a nap.

-Awesome.

-Fantastic.

How long...? Now, now, Do you do, like, a five-minute nap,

do you do a disco nap,

like, 20 minutes, or do you have a sleep?

It's important.

LAUGHTER

Cos you're, like, king of the naps, I guess.

-Pyjamas...

-Really?

-Bed...

-Wow.

-Hour and a half.

-An hour and a half?! That's not a nap!

-The full deal.

Yeah! LAUGHTER

-That's a sleep!

-I know, it's great.

-Do you get tucked in for that, as well?

-Sometimes.

SHE GASPS

LAUGHTER

Does getting up so early mean you can have a second breakfast?

Cos you might have toast early on, but then you could get in and go,

-"I could totally have a fried egg sandwich now."

-No. No.

-I have my breakfast in two parts, but earlier in the day.

-Right.

Because my wife makes me the most delicious home-made muesli.

And I take it into work...

Delicious? Muesli?

LAUGHTER

No, when she makes it, it's delicious. Wonderful.

Does she...?

How does she make it delicious? Does she cover it in chocolate, or...?

LAUGHTER

-..put some fruit pastilles in it?

-Lots of fresh fruit, that sort of thing.

LAUGHTER And I eat half of it before the programme,

do the programme, then half after the programme.

-So is it...? Hold on.

-OK.

Is it, like, a big bowl and you get halfway down and you go,

"It's time to do the news,"

or do you have two bowls?

One bowl, eaten in two parts.

-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-Eurgh...

-LAUGHTER

-Eurgh!

Nobody went "Eurgh" at muesli, but you're eurgh-ing at that!

It's got a lid...

-A lid?

-It's got a lid, comes in a container.

I eat half, feel relatively full,

put the lid on,

go into the studio, do the programme, come out, eat the rest.

-Has the milk been on the whole time?

-Yes!

But it's... GROANING

LAUGHTER

Remember to wink here!

She pours it on the muesli the night before and puts it in the...

HOWLS OF OUTRAGE

What is the matter with you people?!

We've never had muesli. We don't know how you're supposed to eat it.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Look at them!

Look at them! They're all lost.

Sausage sandwich,

bacon sandwich...

LAUGHTER

..Frosties...

When you have your Weetabix and you mash them down, is it like that?

No, it's not like that.

So it's still quite...?

It's still nice and oaty and nutty and fruity.

And lots of fibre.

Oh, do you need that, do you?

Yes.

LAUGHTER

There's a question. Cos I get up and I have...

LAUGHTER

..a toilet visit, normally.

When do you do that?

Did that change your routine when you started doing breakfast,

"I'm going to have to have me poo the night before."

LAUGHTER

See, er, the thing is...

Nobody's ever asked you when you have your poo.

I can't believe I'm about to tell you!

-You want to know?

-Yeah, I really do.

Every half an hour there's a little break for the regional news.

It's three minutes and 15 seconds.

LAUGHTER

But then you've only got time for a certain short kind of break, yeah?

If you need a longer break,

you have to do it before or afterwards,

and after a while, your body gets trained

to know when is the time to go.

Even going for a short break can be a problem.

Once, one of my colleagues went out and found the thing was locked

because there was a cleaner in there. SHE GASPS

Yeah, difficult. That was awkward.

But, um, otherwise, you know, it's a matter of self-discipline.

-A matter of self-discipline!

-Yes.

LAUGHTER

"I will tell my body when I will shite."

LAUGHTER

Bill, it's been an absolute pleasure.

Thank you very much for being on the show.

Ladies and gentlemen, Bill Turnbull!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

I really like that show, Jewish Mum Of The Year.

I think they should do more of these, but with different categories.

My mam would be great in Geordie Mam Of The Year.

She once made me a Terry Towelling boob tube.

LAUGHTER

She didn't mind me being sexy as long as I was warm.

LAUGHTER

When I was little and I didn't know a word, I'd ask me mam,

but there was one time I must have asked a rude word,

and she said to us, "In the future, when you're asking about a word

"and you think it might be rude, just say so, so I can brace meself."

LAUGHTER

So then I'd go, "Mam, this word might be rude."

"What's Velcro?"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"Mam, what's teabagging?"

LAUGHTER

"Oh, thank God, I thought it was going to be something rude.

"That's when you steep the teabag for a long time

"so that the tea is strong enough

"to take away the taste of bollocks in your mouth."

LAUGHTER

I've also been watching The Only Way Is Essex.

TOWIE is responsible for vajazzling, isn't it?

Have we got anybody in the room who's been vajazzled?

-LAUGHTER

-We'd probably have heard you walk in.

LAUGHTER

You can do it on the cheap, though, just in case you were wondering.

-Just Pritt Stick a tube of glitter.

-LAUGHTER

Does it have to be all smooth for a vajazzle or can you just thread it through your bush?

LAUGHTER

Like when you're decorating a Christmas tree, you make sure it looks good from all angles.

LAUGHTER

Of course, there's a northern version of TOWIE.

It's called Geordie Shore

and it's like someone watched TOWIE and went,

"This is too highbrow. It needs more jager bombs and shagging."

LAUGHTER

I love it, but it's like someone's fired an orange paint cannon into a zoo.

LAUGHTER

So what does a real Geordie man think of these new Geordie men?

I know just the fella.

It's my dad, Phillip.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello, Dad. I've got me fancy little camera. Can you see us all right, love?

Yes, I can see you perfectly all right.

Excellent. Now,

You've been watching some telly for us.

Did you watch The Only Way Is Essex?

Yes.

Is that the one where they do the bejavelin?

LAUGHTER

-No, that was the Olympics, Dad.

-LAUGHTER

It's like a posh version of Geordie Shore.

You watched Geordie Shore.

What did you think of that, then?

Do you want to know the truth?

-Yes, but try not to swear.

-LAUGHTER

..too much.

It's horrendous.

LAUGHTER

Aw, that's a bit mean.

No. Sarah...

they're people who've got no morals,

no manners, no respect for themselves...

LAUGHTER

..not prepared to accept responsibility,

live in a skip... LAUGHTER

Could I just remind you that it's a comedy programme?

LAUGHTER

And what do you think about Holly?

She's the one with the red hair. What about her?

Holly wants to start being the hunter and not the prey.

Oh, that's quite good. That's quite deep, isn't it?

So would you watch any of these programmes again?

Never, unless you asked us.

-LAUGHTER

-Awww!

Thank you very much. Everyone, my dad, Phillip.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

THe thing is, on Geordie Shore,

they have sex so much it's like they think they're dying out.

LAUGHTER

I described Geordie Shore to someone who's never seen it and she said,

"Oh, it sounds like Friends."

LAUGHTER

Yes, but with more Canesten.

LAUGHTER

But to find out what the Shore is really all about,

please welcome Holly, Charlotte, Gaz and James from Geordie Shore!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello!

Thank you very much. Thank you very, very much.

I'm a genuine fan. Thank you very much for coming on the show.

Now, is there anything out of bounds? The girls,

do you ever look at an outfit and go, "It's just too slutty," ever?

GAZ: No, never.

LAUGHTER

I didn't direct the question to you, but well done for answering for the girls!

"No, never."

You all look lovely tonight, you really do.

-You've all...

-Scrubbed up!

LAUGHTER

Now, from the show, do you ever get a day off from the show?

Because you live together. Do you ever get a day off when you think,

"I'm just going to read a book and I'm not going to shag anybody"?

You can't read books?

Once you're in there, you're in there six weeks at a time, you've got no phone, no internet,

no TV, no nothing. You're just in there five nights a week.

-That's why we're shagging all the time.

-What are you meant to do?

-No board games?

-Kerplunk? Have you got Kerplunk?

-No.

One game on Xbox.

That's all you've got? I think we should post some stuff to you!

I feel sorry for you. It's like you're in prison.

You're in a shagging prison!

So just like prison, then!

LAUGHTER

Anyway, what are we all doing sitting here? You guys like to party, don't you?

-Yeah!

-Let's do it!

APPLAUSE

I'm Holly.

I'm Charlotte.

I'm Gaz.

I'm James.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'm Sarah!

OVERLAPPING COMMENTS

GAZ: That's hilarious!

Now, I'm not very good at heels, as you can tell.

You can't walk like that in a nightclub,

so can you do a demonstration of a sexy walk?

Right, so, you just have to strut with confidence.

-Head high, just try not to fall.

-Try not to fall.

So you just go...strut...

-Wow, that is really good!

-WHOOPING AND CHEERING

I'm going to give it a go. Are you ready?

Head high...and just strut.

LAUGHTER

CHEERING

I can't take this seriously!

I haven't been clubbing since the olden days.

Right.

So how am I supposed to behave? Like, what should I do

-when I'm in a nightclub?

-Right, OK. Dance.

Shall we do a demonstration?

You dance and I'll talk you through it.

-Do you want to know the main dance if you want to pull a lad?

-Yes.

Are you on the pull tonight, Sarah?

OK...

LAUGHTER

Right, here we go.

-Right, so you're in a club.

-Come with us.

So you're dancing.

And you spot a guy that you like

and you're like, "How am I going to get him?"

Right, I'm just going to do the move, and then you slutdrop.

AUDIENCE SHRIEKS

Oh, my God, if I go down I'm never coming back up!

Go on, Sarah.

We'll talk you through it again. You're in a club and you spot a guy

-that you like and you go, "Whoa!"

-Have I had a drink?

Yeah,

so you're a little bit tipsy and you walk around...

And then you turn your back to him, and then...

slutdrop!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

HOWLS OF LAUGHTER

You're supposed to get back up!

I think I need a bit more practice, but that was a pretty good first go.

Yeah!

LAUGHTER

Oh, no!

Oh, shit!

Hiya, Dad. I didn't know you were coming back.

Have you been watching the whole time?

Yup.

LAUGHTER

What do you think?

I hope you're not coming home like that tonight!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

This isn't me at all.

This is clearly not me at all.

This is not my experience.

I'm going to show you what it SHOULD be like.

This kind of music's not my thing. Let's play some music.

MUSIC: "Power To All Our Friends" by Cliff Richard.

Cliff Richard.

-Can I dance to this?

-Yeah.

I've got some presents for you, as well. Bring the presents on.

Oh, right, OK.

LAUGHTER

Look at all that, kids!

Does this come in short sleeve or a v-neck?

LAUGHTER

Lovely nana cardies for the girls.

Let's have a big round of applause

for Holly, Charlotte, Gaz and James

from Geordie Shore!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Bye-bye!

-Thank you!

I'm coming!

I'm coming!

LAUGHTER

That's it for tonight.

Unfortunately, we didn't have time to talk about News24,

which I thought was a whole station about Jack Bauer.

LAUGHTER

Ice Road Truckers - the producers decided to make it grittier,

which sort of ruined it.

LAUGHTER

The Kardashians - look what a sex tape can do for your career.

I made a sex tape once, but it was just audio.

LAUGHTER

It was just me on me own eating a peach.

LAUGHTER

Big Brother - although that's on Channel 5 now,

which is a bit like hearing

that one of your old friends has become a prostitute.

-LAUGHTER

-Good night!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd