Episode 5 The Sarah Millican Television Programme

Hello and welcome to the Sarah Millican Television Programme.

Now I love a TV dinner. In fact, I don't think ready meals should have the calories on the back.

They should have the TV listings.

Just turn it over and go, "Oh, that goes well with Downton Abbey.

"I'll have two of them."

-Cos you always have two...don't you?

-LAUGHTER

No, no, me neither.

I love Man versus Food. If you went on a date with him, you'd never feel like the greedy one, would you?

I wouldn't split the bill, though. I'm a feminist, but not an idiot!

I like Nigel Slater's cooking shows, but he's always making stuff with leftovers. Sorry? Leftovers?

What are they?

Surely that's the other half of your dinner.

I love watching The Cube. Are you kidding? Philip Schofield making me get inside a perspex box

and then I have to do whatever he tells me to...while he watches?!

-LAUGHTER

-It's like a dream I once had!

You know, I like watching Undercover Boss,

but one thing that always bothers me is how they disguise the boss.

They often just put glasses on them. Is that all you've done?

Sometimes they put a wig on them or a zip-up cardigan.

I'm waiting for the day Ronald McDonald turns up with a baseball cap on over his big red clown wig,

declaring himself Jason, the new team member.

And then he's sprung as soon as someone honks his nose.

I do get annoyed at the end of those programmes. There was one aboard a cruise liner

about a young Filipino lad who worked 18-hour days for less than minimum wage.

He hadn't seen his family for years, one of his kids had died. Awful.

When his boss brought him in, he thought he'd done something wrong and the whole audience is shouting,

"Give him a proper wage!" Instead, his boss said, "You work so hard.

"You've had such a horrible time, I'm going to send you to Disneyland for the weekend."

It was Paris as well! Not even the good Disneyland.

Shows about jobs are very popular. BBC3 had Young Butcher of the Year.

I've thought of some others they could do. Young Cobbler of the Year. Get through to boot camp.

Young Burglar of the Year. Congratulations. You're through to judges' houses.

Young Porn Actor of the Year. Well done. You're through to the live semis.

LAUGHTER

I did a work experience at a veterinary hospital as a teenager.

I thought it would just be cuddling rabbits, but it was more horrific.

"Would you like to sit in on an operation?" I said yes. As I walked in, I saw a bucket to collect pus.

And I don't mean a cat.

"Would you like to hold the tumour?"

This is not what I signed up for!

I'm happy to report that I was pretty feisty even at 16.

I worked as a Saturday kid at WH Smith and when any blokes bought a porn magazine,

I wouldn't offer them a bag.

LAUGHTER

So they'd have to buy a Shields Gazette to hide their shame in.

The manager came down one day and said, "Since you started, sales of the Gazette have shot up!"

I also worked as an audio book producer. One time, a lady from the library came for a visit.

She told me the local old people's home had borrowed some audio books and put one on in the day room.

But when a sex scene came on, the staff said, "OK, that's enough for today,"

and every single old lady came up and quietly asked to borrow the rest to listen to in bed.

Just imagine the clouds of dust coming out from under there!

"Mavis had the audio book last night. Her room will need a proper hoovering."

I never had a chance to do a recording for the audio books.

I wondered if today's most popular books would work in my voice.

Thank you.

LAUGHTER

"I close my eyes tightly as he gently moves my panties..."

Panties?! No women call them panties. Knickers!

LAUGHTER

"..and slowly runs his finger up and down my sex."

Is that what we call it now? "My sex"?

No. "And slowly runs his finger up and down my nunny."

LAUGHTER

"Pulling off his boxer briefs, his erection springs free."

Boing!

"He reaches over to his bedside table and grabs a foil packet."

It's a weird time for a Kit Kat.

LAUGHTER

I suppose when you're reading things like that it saves licking your finger to turn the page.

There is someone who knows all about my employment history. It's my dad, Philip.

-Hello, Dad. Can you hear us all right?

-Certainly can.

-Hello, flower.

-Now you have always had a very good work ethic.

-Yes.

-Did you ever throw a sickie?

-Never.

-Not ever? Not once?

Never threw a sickie. In fact, in them days it was called having one off for the Queen.

I don't know why that sounds rude to me. Having it off for the Queen.

"We're having it off for the Queen."

-Can you remember what I wanted to be?

-Yes.

-What?

You wanted to be either a stripper... LAUGHTER

..or a pisky. It took me ages to find out.

We were down in Cornwall one holiday and found out that a pisky is a Cornish pixie.

-You don't mean pasty?

-No...

-I didn't want to be a pasty?

The stripper thing is weird.

Well, you liked dancing and you thought a stripper was just a nice lady dancing.

It's not a nice lady dancing.

I don't know. I've never seen any.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Do you think I've still got a chance to be a stripper?

Some day. Some day.

You've got more chance of being a stripper than a pisky.

Good answer.

Your job was the job that you did for life.

I loved my first job in WH Smith. Absolutely loved it.

What was I like in those days?

I was there from 16 to 21. What was I like?

I don't know what you were like at WH Smith, but I have somebody here called Ian

who may be able to help.

Oh, shit!

Hello!

This is Ian, my old boss from WH Smith! Yay!

Hello!

I've got your Gazette, Philip.

Oh...!

Oh, I'm glad. I saw a magazine fall out of it and I'm glad it's just a train one. Good to know.

What do you remember about me, Ian?

Always very cheerful, good with the customers,

but mainly good at making me coffee on a Saturday morning before you stuffed supplements into the papers.

Do you remember every Christmas Eve we used to do fancy dress?

A couple of you did, yeah.

That's unfair! There was a few years when we all did it

and then one year there was only me and my friend did it. We decided to do bad taste,

so we had ladders in our tights and really bad make-up on... and nobody noticed!

They thought we had our best clothes on.

-I remember your leaving do.

-Yes, I think we were all stood round in a circle

and I was just about to go when you arrived opposite me.

-I went to give you a hug. I think you thought I was trying to snog your face off!

-I don't remember!

It was probably the first time somebody had tried to do that!

Thank you so much, Dad and Ian. Ladies and gentlemen, my dad Philip and my old boss, Ian! Thank you!

What a nice surprise. I'm glad I was nice.

My dad worked down the pit. During the Miners' Strike in 1984,

local supermarkets rallied round, giving miners' families their end of day stuff - pies, bread, cream cakes

and Marks's decided they wanted to help, too, and gave the miners 13 trays of avocados.

The miners had no idea what to do with them. "Do I peel them?

"They're quite hard. We could throw them at the coppers.

"This one's soft. Terry, put it on the guacamole pile."

I met Duncan Bannatyne recently and he was quite flirty. Flattering, but you couldn't have sex with him.

"I'm out. I'm in. I'm out. I'm in."

I love watching The Apprentice. Lord Sugar enters the boardroom dramatically, after everyone else.

Just once I want him to zip up and say, "I'd give that five minutes."

It's not very representative of the real world. You can't just fire someone.

One of these days, someone will turn up with a UNISON rep for The Unfair Dismissal.

Let's find out what really goes on on The Apprentice. Please welcome the most memorable contestant ever,

Stuart Baggs!

Hello.

-Welcome, Stuart.

-You've done well.

-Thank you. I've got a desk and everything.

In case anyone's forgotten, let's watch a bit of you in action.

I consider myself an absolutely fantastic salesman. Everything I touch turns to sold.

"I'm passionate, I'm a grafter." I'm all of these things, but I'm not a cliche.

I am Stuart Baggs, the brand. I'm confident, I'm unique and successful.

-Why would you want to have a job with Lord Sugar?

-I'm a big fish in a small pond.

-You're not a big fish.

You're not even a fish.

I'm not a one-trick pony. I've got a field of ponies waiting to literally run towards this.

The thing is, you're full of shit, basically.

-Stuart, you are fired.

-Thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Why?!

-Why?

-Now...Alan Sugar said that you would look back at that moment and you would cringe.

-Have you cringed yet?

-Quite a few times. That's horrendous. No wonder I didn't lose my virginity until...

-I still haven't, to be fair.

-Oh!

-Anybody?

-It's not that sort of show.

-Did you just pretend somebody waved?

-LAUGHTER

Aww, bless him.

-With a name like Stuart Baggs, shouldn't you be working at Tesco?

-I'll take any job I can get!

-I'm the most unemployable person in the whole country!

-No, you work for yourself. Is that why?

-Nobody else would take you on?

-There's not a lot of options for me, genuinely.

When I went on the show, I was told that you'll get quite a few job offers. I got none. Not one offer.

AUDIENCE "Aww!" It's not a pantomime!

But I got nothing except an offer for a Channel 5 dating show and then they wouldn't have me.

They said I was too ugly... Sorry. Not their target demographic.

-A minger.

-Awww.

-I'm getting sympathy for once.

-We're a nice show. That's why.

You're not as much of a bell end as I thought you'd be.

You certainly know how to sell yourself.

-You think?!

-Yeah, you do. Here's your latest advert.

-I got no offers.

LAUGHTER

Those balls are shiny, aren't they?

-What was that for?

-That was for Everyman Male Cancer charity.

-I thought I would get naked.

-Did they ask you or...?

Did you just go into the office and start stripping off? Did no one say to move your hand slightly down?

-I can see your Stuart bag.

-The mini brand.

-The mini brand! Is that what you call it?

Never call it mini, love.

Let's talk about where it all started for you. You began by selling yo-yos in the playground?

Can I just clarify this? When I go out, people often say to me, "You sold yo-yos in the playground".

It makes me sound like a predator. I was at school at the time.

Not hanging round in a mac saying, "Do you want to see my yo-yos?"

I think I saw them on the picture there.

-Lord Sugar said you were full of shit.

-Yes.

-Was that a fair assessment of how you behaved?

-No.

-It felt harsh when he said it. Especially there when we saw it.

-Of course it was harsh.

If I wasn't so much of a cock, that could have hurt me.

You sometimes rub people up the wrong way. Have you ever considered working from home?

The thing is, I do genuinely work from home a couple of days a week.

There is nothing better than picking up the phone knowing you're naked and somebody's calling in...

-Do you tell the person you're naked? I would have to.

-It's not that type of phone service I'm offering.

-I don't know what you're up to!

-That's how I make my money.

I'd have to go, "I'd chat now, but I've no knickers on."

-You don't do that?

-No. I don't tell them. There's no disclaimer as such.

Can you make a proper business decision with your wanger out?

-It helps...

-You think it helps?!

-Absolutely.

-You're touching it at the same time, aren't you?

-Not now! Hand up!

-I need to make a decision!

Thank you so much for coming on the show. Ladies and gentlemen, Stuart Baggs. Thank you very much.

APPLAUSE

Now I love watching Coach Trip. Of course, it's nothing like a real coach trip.

None of them are on the run.

I saw the Chuckle Brothers on Coach Trip once and thought, "It must be a celebrity version." Nope.

LAUGHTER

They were just going on holiday.

Have you seen Border Patrol? It's set in New Zealand and one thing they look for is tiger penis.

Must be easy to find on people. I only really know one good place to hide a penis.

Travel shows are all very well, but they don't tell you everything.

I've made a list of things they don't tell you, but they should - Paris is actually shit.

No one goes to Brussels on purpose.

She doesn't like you, she's a prostitute.

Don't feed it or it'll follow you home.

This also applies to animals.

I've never worn fake tan, but my friend says it's so people think she's been on holiday.

But when I'm abroad, I don't tan. I go pink, then red, then blister.

If I want people to think I've been on holiday, I put too much blusher on my nose and iron my tits.

I went on holiday with the girls. One said, "Don't forget to get your bits done."

I got it wrong. They'd all been waxed. I had mine blow-dried.

I'd let it grow. I had a proper quiff and everything.

In Cosmopolitan magazine, there was a list of things for girls to remember to pack for holiday.

Under "In the bedroom" it said adaptors.

Just how different are Spanish cocks?

"It won't go in the hole. I tried forcing it, but I could smell burning."

The internet is full of handy travel tips, although some are more useful than others.

"In France, it's now compulsory to carry an unused breathalyser kit in your car."

If you haven't got one, just drive erratically and the police will give you a free one.

"If the sink plug is missing, cut a tennis ball in half." Great(!) Now I can't play swingball.

"Pack only dark-coloured clothing to cut down on washing while away."

It's also good if you can track down yellow and brown pants.

"To ensure your caravan is level, place a cylindrical packet of biscuits on the floor.

"These will roll if the caravan is not level." I love that they specified a cylindrical packet!

As if people just put Bourbons down and go, "It's champion."

I've been watching that BBC2 show Coast. If you haven't seen it,

-a bloke walks round the coast.

-LAUGHTER

For the new series they went to Holland. Before that, they must have been dying for some global warming!

"A new Coast tonight. Birmingham!"

I'd like to find out more about the show, so please welcome the host of Coast, Neil Oliver.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Hello, Neil.

-Hello.

-Thank you for coming on the show. Let's look at you in action.

The conditions are good for MY passion.

This is, after all, the sort of weather lighthouses were made for.

And I enjoy a good lighthouse, me.

So I couldn't resist a visit to this one on the Needles, especially as they're about to clean the lens.

-How often does the lens get cleaned?

-Just once a year.

-It's going to take about that long.

I'd hate to be responsible for a smear.

APPLAUSE

I wouldn't mind you being responsible for a smear.

LAUGHTER

Now, Neil, you're not just the presenter of a great TV show. You're an archaeologist,

-a historian, an expert on the Vikings...

-Yes.

-So how do you keep your hair looking so manageable?

It's constant variety, I think.

I'm in hotels all the time and I just use whatever's in the little bottles.

No! Some of it's like Fairy Liquid.

I like to think it's all the same stuff, whether it's expensive or in hotels. The same chemicals,

-slightly different colours and textures.

-And do you condition?

-No.

-Look at your lovely locks, though!

-I just wash and go!

So you're out in the wind and rain a lot. Is frizz your mortal enemy?

It never frizzes, it never does anything. I am available for advertising campaigns.

-I'm very easily kept.

-You're very easily kept?!

-Hair-wise.

It sounded like we could have you as a pet.

-Do you get a sore neck from turning to the camera all the time?

-That was an invention of the directors

and the people who were putting the show together the first time.

They felt it would look as if there was a reason to go on a journey

if the presenter was always leaving the camera behind and heading off. So there was a great deal of...

-looking over the shoulder. "Come with me."

-We're following you.

-That's nice. I like that.

-It necessitated a lot of walking away towards cliff edges.

Yeah, do the cameramen get really annoyed because they have to get close and constantly follow you?

It's better for the cameraman because they're normally in front walking backwards.

When you do it that way, they at least are walking forwards, so they like it.

-And when you go over the cliff, they won't. But they'll get it all for the telly.

-They know when to stop.

-Now you live in Stirling.

-I do.

-An old, historic part of Scotland.

-Yeah.

-Have you ever considered moving somewhere that's got lots of nice, new things?

No, that's the beauty of being with an archaeologist. The older you get, the more interesting you become.

-Are you coming on to me?

-You're a very beautiful woman.

Oh, bless you. Oh...

Yay! Oh. It's one of those compliments. "Yay! Oh, he likes old things."

LAUGHTER

-You've got a book.

-I've got several books.

-I'm talking about Amazing Tales For Making Men Out Of Boys.

I've done that a couple of times.

LAUGHTER

It's not that kind of book, Sarah.

To be fair, I've also made boys out of men.

"I want me mam!" "Shut up!"

In most of your programmes, you carry a satchel. What's in it?

-I'm a very clean person.

-OK.

-Very fastidious.

As my smalls are no longer available for wearing, I keep them separate from the big bag,

so I put my yesterday's pants and socks in the bag that I carry around on camera.

So that...

So that everything like that, I know where it all is.

And I can deal with it another day.

I love that now when we watch you, we'll go, "I know what's in that bag. It's just dirty pants."

-Yeah.

-Now this doesn't seem right, you just sitting there.

-I think we should go outside.

-Excellent news.

-Put your coat on.

"Coast" THEME MUSIC PLAYS

SEAGULLS CRY

I love a walk by the coast. The weather's a bit changeable, though.

-I probably should have put my coat on.

-Yeah. Geordie, though.

-Exactly. I don't need a coat.

-Ah, nice.

-It's getting to be hard work now, though, this.

LAUGHTER

-You're a historian.

-Yeah.

-What's your favourite period of history? Mine's the '80s.

-'70s.

-The '70s!

APPLAUSE

Oh! Oh! There's a seagull. That came down awfully low.

-They don't fly that low normally.

-Oh!

-That's a kittiwake.

-Oh!

-Oh, it liked you.

-Yeah.

Is it...? Oh!

It's not normally strawberry! In my experience.

You're finding this a little bit too easy, this walk. Can we up the pace a little bit?

-How close to the coast do you actually go?

-I go all the way.

-All the way in.

-Oh! I've not been there. Have you been there?

Oh, lordy! Get that back in the water!

It's getting a bit chilly now, isn't it?

-That's better.

-Oh, surely not for me.

I've never seen you in a hat before.

Oh!

See what you did then?

Oh! Oh! Oh!

-I should have definitely put my coat on.

-That's sticking to my conditioner.

Oh!

-Ladies and gentlemen, he's been a brilliant sport! Neil Oliver!

-APPLAUSE

Oh!

That's it for tonight. Unfortunately, we didn't have time

to talk about Most Haunted International where Yvette Fielding travels the world looking for

the most gullible audiences. Extreme Water Parks - the first series was great, but now it's on the slide.

Britain's Best Drives, which I think is about cars, not just the bit in front of houses.

And we didn't have time to talk about Wayne Rooney's Street Star,

in which Wayne cruises the streets trawling for talent. Will he never learn?

Good night!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd