Episode 6 The Sarah Millican Television Programme

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

WHISTLING

Hello and welcome to the Sarah Millican Television Programme.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

People say parents shouldn't use the TV as a babysitter.

But I think it's fine. As long as the TV is over 14 years old.

LAUGHTER

When I'm watching telly, I like to put the subtitles on.

Nothing's wrong with my hearing.

I like feeling superior to people who can't spell there and their and your and you're.

My TV is at the wrong angle, so half of the time I just see my own reflection in it.

This must be a foreign film.

It's just a miserable-looking woman on a sofa staring.

People say don't sit close to the telly because it's bad for your eyes.

It's also bad for my self-esteem.

I've got Sky TV at home. The satellite bloke came to the door, he said, "Did you order a dish?"

I thought, "You're a bit full of yourself."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Now, I love watching animal programmes on the telly.

I like Rolf Harris's new show, Rolf's Animal Clinic.

Because it's moved to Channel 5, they can't call it Animal Hospital any more.

It's followed by Homes Under The Mallet.

Followed closely later by Place Place Place.

LAUGHTER

The word "clinic" makes me think of other things.

I'm assuming there are rabbits in the waiting room

texting all of their sexual partners,

trying to spell chlamydia.

LAUGHTER

I'm always offended when the vet doesn't say how lovely my cat is.

"Look at his little face." He never does that.

Although, I hate it when my gynaecologist does it.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"Ooh, look, it's smiling at us."

LAUGHTER

I'm not really good with big animals.

I've only sat on a horse once.

It was at the school fair and it was more of a mule.

Within five minutes, it had stood on my sister's foot and broken my fanny.

LAUGHTER

I've got a horrible feeling it was my first boyfriend.

LAUGHTER

You know that show Walking With Dinosaurs?

We liked it so much, we went to see the arena tour.

There were animatronic dinosaurs and some with men working them.

There was a little girl about five, sitting beside us with her mum,

who was trying to figure out how the brontosaurus was moving.

She said, "I know they're not real as they died a long time ago."

"And there can't be a man inside because they're too big."

"So there must be a giraffe in it."

LAUGHTER

Since getting a kitten, I don't watch cat videos any more on the internet.

It's lovely having a real kitten, although he doesn't play the piano as much as I expected.

LAUGHTER

To be fair, he is quite restricted in that little jacket.

LAUGHTER

I do feel sorry for meerkats.

People must walk past them in the zoo these days.

"I'm not bothered about them. I've got one at home that sits on my bed in a little cravat."

LAUGHTER

Me and my fella always prioritise when going around the zoo.

We see the animals first that are likely to die out.

It's also the best way to see relatives at Christmas.

LAUGHTER

David Attenborough has taught me a lot about animals.

Female black widow spiders eat their mates after sex.

Lucky buggers.

I'm always starving after sex.

If I missed my lunch, I could have a threesome.

LAUGHTER

Miss my lunch?

LAUGHTER

At 15 inches, the eyes of the giant squid are the largest on the planet.

Especially, when they've just found out what calamari is.

"I thought it was onion rings."

The world's biggest dick can be found on a blue whale.

I thought it was on Top Gear.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The hummingbird is the only animal that can fly backwards.

Although, I did hit a dog with my car the other day.

I didn't.

It was a couple of weeks ago.

LAUGHTER

Red-eyed tree frogs don't really exist.

That's just how they look if you don't turn the flash off on your camera.

These days, my favourite animal show is CBBC's Deadly 60.

It covers 60 deadly animals per series.

So far, they've done three series. That's 180 deadly animals.

What are they going to do in the fourth series?

Just because you can trip over a tortoise doesn't make it deadly.

"This chicken could kill

if it's not cooked properly."

So please welcome, he's deft, he's brave, he's uninsurable,

the host of Deadly 60, Steve Backshall.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hello, Steve.

-Hello, hello.

-Thank you for coming.

Let's have a look at you in action with a giant squid.

'For protection, safety diver Scott, cameraman Simon, and I

have to wear chainmail suits, like medieval knights

going scuba diving.'

'Look at that!'

'Wow!'

'At first, he didn't seem that pleased to see us.'

'Look at all the ink it's squirting into the water.'

'And here, that's where that snapping beak is.'

'There's the eye.'

'I'm going to stay clear.'

'I don't want to get my fingers too close.'

'Oh! Dear me! Ow!'

'The strength of the beak!'

'It's actually bitten me right through the chainmail suit.'

APPLAUSE

What exactly did he bite you with there?

It was with its beak. It's like a big parrot's beak in the centre

of all those arms. It's the only hard part of the body.

It could actually break your bones even through the chainmail.

I thought it was just flirting for a bit.

Just like, "Look what I've got down here." It wasn't that at all. OK.

Um, you are known as an all-round action man.

Aren't you? So, have you got actual genitalia

or are you dead smooth down there?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

But there is actually going to be a Steve Backshall action-man doll coming out next year.

It's the most surreal thing I've ever seen.

They scanned my head and everything. It's like a ten-inch version of me.

That's going to be smooth then.

They're already way ahead of us with the ten inches.

LAUGHTER

It would be a little bit odd if it wasn't.

It would be because it's for kids.

-It's not for big girls like me.

-No, it isn't.

Not for the mums.

Do you think people watch your shows to see if you'll get injured or killed?

LAUGHTER

Without a doubt. The first thing that kids ask is,

"When did you last get bitten?" "What are you most scared of?"

"What was the thing that nearly killed you the most?"

It's the thing that fascinates people.

They desperately want to see me get munched.

What was the thing that nearly killed you?

LAUGHTER

Not in that way.

They are... I apologise.

-I apologise.

-This is definitely your crowd not mine, isn't it?

It is my crowd. They see innuendo in every sentence.

And what was the thing that almost killed you?

I think, probably, on the last series, the one that took us most by surprise...

We were filming Komodo dragons.

Most of the time, because they are cold-blooded, they do nothing, they're dull.

What I wanted to do was to get them feeding. I dragged a piece of meat through the area where they were.

And they just went "Grrr!" and went into predatory mode.

-And they started hunting us.

-You brought that on yourself, flower.

LAUGHTER

Somebody said I should have seen it coming.

And when was the last time you were munched?

LAUGHTER

We want to know, don't we?

LAUGHTER

If memory serves, quite a long time ago.

LAUGHTER

I think you might have some volunteers tonight.

One thing I've noticed watching your show, I do love your show,

one thing I noticed is you're often topless, aren't you?

We've got a photo to show everybody.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

I looked at a few photos for...

LAUGHTER

For research. I like that one best.

Because that looks like what you'd look like lying down.

LAUGHTER

I try to imagine myself as a craggy old rock in this situation.

-I approve.

-I'll put that in the bank.

Ooh! He's got a bank.

Camouflage, I understand it. Why don't zebras?

LAUGHTER

There's a serious answer to that.

-Tell us the proper answer.

-Their main predator is the lion.

The lion has massively reduced colour vision, so don't tend to see

in colours, so the black and white stripes that are created by zebras,

particularly when they're running in a herd,

cause confusion, they blend in the reeds and grasses the zebras are running in.

Once they're moving, it becomes an efficient camouflage against the lion.

Do they ever stand in a row and another animal will come up,

an antelope will just come up and point at the lion and go,

"Can you see them?"

"See what?"

"Yes!"

There's a proper answer. Brilliant.

There's a question that I've always wanted to ask you.

Um, does Bear Grylls shit in the woods?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

That's good. I like that.

I'm pretty sure he does.

Anyone who spends time... Actually, it's a great pleasure of the outdoors.

-Is it?

-I'm serious. Absolutely.

Provided you're not in Richmond Park.

You're actually, you know, miles from anywhere.

-Do you take stuff with you to...?

-You use nettles.

-Nettles? You are crazy, aren't you?

-That was a joke.

-Oh, OK.

-Because you are so hard, I think you would do that.

-Yes.

-Brambles. Barbed wire.

-"I'm going to wipe my arse with nettles."

Isn't the fix for nettles wee?

It is, isn't it?

-Dock leaves.

-Dock leaves.

-You're thinking of jellyfish.

-Oh, yeah.

Why did that man wee on me after the nettles, then?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I'm good at Hungry Hippos.

Do you think that would help me if I was to meet one?

In Hungry Hippos, don't you have to...?

Slap them on the head really hard.

-That won't work.

-That won't help?

-I don't think so.

-How would I handle a hippo? Is there a way you can...?

You stay as far away from them as you can.

-Really?

-Although, about three or four weeks ago,

I was diving in a pool in the Okavango Delta

and swam into a hippo underwater.

It was one of the most frightening things. It was as close to me as you are.

-Oh, my god.

-Yeah... I'm usually...

I'm usually so good...

LAUGHTER

Is there a similarity between me and a hippo?

Just the closeness?

Yes! Absolutely, absolutely. And...

LAUGHTER

-You got away, obviously, because you are here, thank god.

-Yes.

I'm smart like that. I picked up that he was here so he didn't die.

You were also adventurer in residence at National Geographic.

How does that work? Were you there? Were you not?

-In residence?

-In residence.

-Adventurer?

It has to be the coolest job title I've ever had.

I even had business cards with "Adventurer in residence" on them.

-That is so cool.

-Te first night I got them,

I went out with friends celebrating because I'd got this great job.

I gave each of them a card. About 11 o'clock,

I met this lady and started talking to her. She said, "What do you do for a living?"

I said, "You won't believe this but I'm adventurer in residence at National Geographic."

She went, "Why do you boys always do this?"

"You're so pathetic. You're the fifth bloke tonight that's told me that."

LAUGHTER

-That's brilliant.

-I didn't even get my one moment of triumph.

Your friends are shits.

LAUGHTER

Thank you so much. Ladies and gentlemen, Steve Backshall.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I don't watch much sport on the telly.

But I like the darts cos I love the names.

Phil "The Power" Taylor.

My fried bought a laptop and she said, "I got it from a bloke they call The Butcher."

I said, "Why do they call him that?" She says, "Cos he sells meat."

LAUGHTER

There are only two types of darts players.

Type one, overweight. And type two, diabetes.

LAUGHTER

I do know some things about sport.

Did you know that cheerleading is offered as a subject at 58% of schools?

Cheerleading? Isn't that just a spelling test for slags?

"Give me an A!"

One thing I can be sure of, you've never been given an A.

LAUGHTER

Apparently, a volleyball player jumps about 300 times in each match.

Mind you, so do nervous clay pigeon shooters. "Jesus! What was that?"

LAUGHTER

To keep fit, we should do something that makes you sweat for 30 minutes five times a week.

My boyfriend started watching Hollyoaks.

LAUGHTER

The only way I would normally work up a sweat is going up some stairs or having a tricky poo.

LAUGHTER

Or when I walk in Topshop and the staff look up as if to say, "Is it for a present?"

LAUGHTER

Surfing is one sport that looks like fun.

But it's just like bad sex.

You lie down, you're a long way from where you need to be, and after

a hundred strokes you're still no bloody closer.

He struggles to get on top, then he struggles to stay up.

You get a brief ride but you end up wet and salty and fishing crabs out your knickers.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

On The World's Strongest Man, why don't they do more practical things

like opening jars or windows that have been painted shut?

When I watch the long jump, I can see my cat watching in awe.

He was looking at the sandpit, thinking, "The Olympics' toilet facilities are brilliant."

LAUGHTER

My mum enjoyed watching Daley Thompson on the Olympics. She's always loved him.

When I was little, she'd say, "Ooh! I could drink his bath water."

I don't think that's a sign of love!

I love my boyfriend, I wouldn't drink his bath water.

At the very least, I'd sieve it first.

LAUGHTER

I enjoyed watching the Olympics closing ceremony.

It was nice to see George Michael in a car crash when he wasn't behind the wheel.

LAUGHTER

At school, we had a swimming teacher that never went in the pool ever.

We all wondered why. Then my friend said, "Maybe she's soluble."

LAUGHTER

My PE teacher would try and motivate us by saying things like,

"There is no 'I' in team."

How would you know? If you could spell, you wouldn't be a PE teacher.

LAUGHTER

I grew up watching all those American dating movies.

When I was playing rounders and the PE teacher told me to go for third base, I wanked him off.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Why do they show goals from so many different angles?

Four or five times, then again in slow motion.

But when I ask my boyfriend if I look nice in my dress, he goes, "Aye."

What about from this angle? Or what about from this angle?

On Sky Sports, they are always saying, "Press the red button."

Amazing how quickly men can find the button when they really want to.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I've got a friend who loves football.

She told me about Soccer Saturday, where you watch blokes watching football. That's a bit weird.

It's like, if a parade went by your house and you sent someone to the window to have a look for you.

What's happening now?

Uh-huh.

That sounds lovely.

And now?

LAUGHTER

To explain the point of sport, please welcome Soccer Saturday host Jeff Stelling.

APPLAUSE

Hello, Jeff.

-Hi, Sarah.

-Thank you for coming on the show.

You have ten seconds to persuade me why I should love football. Go!

Absolutely easy. David Beckham, Jamie Redknapp, Jose Mourinho,

David Ginola, Wayne... No. Why did Wayne Rooney get in there? Um...

Hot fit athletic bodies, Pukka Pies. Are you coming with me?

The pie thing is interesting.

LAUGHTER

Explain the thing about watching the men watching the football.

Does it make you feel a bit dirty?

Why aren't you just watching a match? Why are you...

-I don't understand the concept.

-On Saturday afternoon, we can't show live football.

It might stop people going to the games. So, instead,

people watch football and tell you what you're missing.

It's a football show but you don't see any football, you don't see goals, near misses, or any shots.

It's a bit like watching Aston Villa.

LAUGHTER

Did you pick that at random? Or did you know that's my boyfriend's football team?

You done research!

LAUGHTER

You look like you have fun. We've got a clip of you defending Middlesbrough

after a survey named it the worst place in the UK to live. Let's have a look.

'This is not a rant, but the people who compile this tosh, no disrespect,

are the type that go north of Rickmansworth only to go to the Edinburgh Festival Fringe.'

'They think everybody in the north lives in Coronation Street-style terraces.'

'They're the type who buy skinny lattes and call their mushy peas guacamole.'

'The sort who go out to the Ganges on holiday so some bearded bloke

-can sit them cross-legged and teach...'

-'Go on, Jeff!'

-'They're the sort who use

their Blackberries in the silent carriages on British Rail.'

-'And they have Babyshambles as their ringtone.'

-'Go on!'

'They think Little Britain was funnier then The Likely Lads.'

'They've never been to Middlesbrough. They don't know about the Cleveland Hills.' 'ALL SHOUT'

APPLAUSE

'That study was put together by wheat-free-cake-eating Guardian...'

'Sorry. There's a goal to tell you about at Goodison Park. Here's Alan Smith.'

APPLAUSE

Now, you support Hartlepool nil, don't you?

That's what...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That's what they're called, isn't it?

-Not quite. Nearly right.

-When a player called James Brown scored for Hartlepool,

you brought out a model of the singer and did a dance.

-Would we like to see?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

-Let's have a little watch.

'Hartlepool 1 Colchester 0.'

'I'm not going to sing but I'll tell you what...'

"# I feel good"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

There's a player called David Goodwillie. Do you plan to do something similar with him?

I don't do stand-up.

LAUGHTER

You're a bit of a sex symbol, aren't you?

No, he is. Don't be mean.

Do you get pervy letters from fans?

-Occasionally.

-Did you get mine?

LAUGHTER

You were the host of Countdown. Did you ever get the conundrum?

I got one conundrum in three years.

How did you get the Countdown theme out of your head?

Were you in bed with your wife going...? MIMICS COUNTDOWN THEME

-Yep.

-Yes?

30 seconds was all I needed.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Did any rude words appear when you were host?

-Yes.

Yeah, they did. Most of them got cut out.

You know, you'd have things like...

There was one student I remember, he got a nine, I went to him and said,

"Dave, what have you got?" He said, "I've got nine."

I said, "What's your nine?" He said, "I've got 'shitfaced'."

LAUGHTER

I said, "Well, I got shitfaced but I don't boast about it on national TV."

But it was in the Oxford English Dictionary.

-Is it?

-Yeah, it's in the Oxford English Dictionary.

-Did he win?

He was the defending champion. It wasn't just the contestants.

Sometimes, you had people in Dictionary Corner

who were mischievous. Gino D'Acampo.

Celebrity chef. He is a naughty man.

So I crossed to him and I said,

"OK, Gino, what have you got?"

He said, "Jeff, I've got a six."

I said, "OK, what's your six then?"

He said, "Minger."

I said, "Gino, you cannot have minger."

He said, "OK, Jeff, I've got a five."

LAUGHTER

What was the five?

Er, don't.

Jeff, those guys you talk to on Soccer Saturday,

they really know what they're talking about, don't they?"

I don't know anything about football but I reckon I could give it a go.

How hard can it be?

That goal is Hartlepool's 100th in the league already this season.

It Hartly seems fair to the other teams.

-Sarah, what's happening in your game?

-Well, er...

there are lots of men in coloured shirts.

But I'm not sure who are the goodies and who are the baddies.

It looks like only one of the players remembered to bring the ball

and now everyone's chasing around trying to get it.

And the crowd seem to be asking if someone takes it up the...

Arsenal have scored at the Emirates.

We'll keep an eye on that one that's for sure.

We've got two teams who badly need a win

to qualify for the Champions League next season.

-So...

-Oh! Oh! Oh!

-Sounds like there have been developments. Sarah.

Rachel has just said she still loves Ross.

Ah! I love Ross.

That's Ross County.

And Racheltown.

I'm not surprised, Sarah, the form Ross County are in.

Three consecutive away wins on a Wednesday and no yellow cards.

-That's the first time that's happened since February 1994.

-Oh, my god!

-Quickly back to Sarah. Give us an update.

-Talk about embarrassing.

This bloke has got a cock that looks like a parsnip.

LAUGHTER

I don't get it. Why do these fellas go on the pitch

wearing such short shorts?

What are you watching now, Sarah?

I'm being good. I'm watching Chelsea.

-And how are they doing?

-Not so good.

Ollie's cut his hair off and one of the girls is worried she has chlamydia.

Right! Goals going in all around the country on this crucial day for several big clubs.

Not least in the north-east derby. What's happening now, Sarah?

The wide midfielder has drifted into the hole.

The full-back overlapping. Drilled a perfect ball to feet.

The full-back's crossed it back stick. Perfect for the big number 9. He's given the keeper the eye.

Sold him all over the place. Hit it early doors.

Got to be a competitor for goal of the season, Jeff.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Oh! Right.

And then Del Boy fell through the bar and spilt his drink all over himself. Bloody hilarious.

Show me the bloke with the parsnip cock.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Thanks for coming on the show. Ladies and gentlemen, Jeff Stelling.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That's it for tonight. We didn't have time to talk about Bondi Vet.

It sounds glamorous but if you've got your finger up a dog's arse,

it doesn't matter if you're wearing shorts.

Or Canine Cops, in which Bud the sniffer dog finds a stash of cocaine

then goes for a 400-mile walk.

LAUGHTER

Or Frozen Planet. For an animal, seeing David Attenborough turn up

is like seeing Kate Adie in the Middle East. You know you're in trouble.

Or Question Of Sport. For me, the question is always, "What's on the other side?"

LAUGHTER

Or the Dog Whisperer. (He's shagging my leg again.)

Get the broom.

Never mind, he's finished. Get a cloth.

LAUGHTER

We haven't had time to talk about Monsters Inside Me. That was a disappointment.

Good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd