Episode 5 The Sarah Millican Television Programme

This programme contains some strong language.

Hello, and welcome to the Sarah Millican Television Programme!

It seems to me that lots of people are a bit snobby about watching the cable channels.

But they're well worth flicking through.

I've noticed a lot of the shows have "extreme" in the title.

"Extreme Couponing".

What's the extreme bit? Is Dad using the chainsaw to cut out the coupons?

While a tiny child holds the magazine?

"Extreme Furniture".

That would just be me getting on a bar stool!

Trying to keep the conversation going while doing the "hup" noise!

I wish the Dog Whisperer was just a man leaning into a Yorkshire Terrier

going, "Your breath stinks."

Then there's "It's Me or the Dog",

where people decide who did the turd on the kitchen floor!

It's me or the dog!

Someone's been eating out of the bin during the night.

It's my other dog.

Yeah, it was me.

You know, times are tough. The economy is struggling. Lots of people are short of money.

But, as ever, TV is there to help us out.

Shows like SuperScrimpers are great.

Here are some money-saving tips that I've learnt.

Don't buy the SuperScrimpers book. Just get it out the library!

Don't buy Christmas presents for elderly relatives too early.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Clean your windows with vinegar.

That way, your kitchen smells of chips!

Use your dad's pants as dusters, but not while he's still wearing them.

If anything, it makes it more smeary!

Make your own hair removal wax by melting sugar with water and lemon juice.

I did that and it all went wrong.

Now I've got a caramel bikini line!

But the boys seem to like it!

And so do the wasps.

Some of the money-saving tips are bloody rubbish, though.

"Don't spend money on expensive gym memberships."

That's it.

Just don't!

"Save money on cotton wool. Use pieces of cut-up tights to remove nail varnish."

But then you'll have to buy new tights!

Save money on tights by sticking cotton wool to your legs.

"Don't buy deodorisers for your shoes. Put cat litter in them overnight."

But then your cat will have a shit in them!

Mind, that smell of cheese is almost gone!

"Save money on pets. Make friends with a dog owner and walk their dog."

Save money on a partner. Have sex with your friend's husband.

Now, we all need help understanding this stuff,

and who better to give us that help

than TV's money-saving expert, Martin Lewis.

Hello, Martin. Thank you very much for joining us.

Now, do you actually spend anything, or are you just a tight-arse?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I have spent a penny, on occasion, if that counts!

Is any of the shampoo in your house not nicked from a hotel?

The thing is, what you do with that...

That's a no, then!

It's an implied freebie when you go into a hotel.

There's nothing wrong with taking them. Stealing the towels and dressing gown is difficult!

-But the shampoo is there to be used.

-You said "difficult"! You didn't say it was different!

Take me away now!

Are you... One of your tips is you say take a sponge into the shower

cos it saves soap, doesn't it?

Does it have to be a sponge, or could a Swiss roll do the job?

It's not actually one of my tips, but I like it anyway.

It would be dual purpose. You know, you'd enjoy it.

Exactly. You'd have a bite first before you start under your armpits!

What's your thermostat set at at home?

Um... Four jumpers and a big blanket!

Really? Do you wear jumpers in the house? Do you know what number it's on?

It doesn't work. It's set as a temperature. It's a bit accurate.

I think, since you ask the question, it's at 68 degrees Fahrenheit

and it's turned off as soon as possible after the winter ends.

I'd like to be anything more, but I've got a little baby and she's more important than saving money!

Aw!

Hasn't she got any jumpers?

When you give your wife flowers, are they usually wreaths you've found on the side of the road?

You ask that, I was so proud the other week

cos there was a lovely bunch of flowers reduced to 20p in the supermarket.

And normally, when you buy flowers, you take the price off,

but I was so proud of the bargain, I left it on, just to show her!

-It's true!

-And what did she say?

She was delighted. She's tighter than I am!

Even after having a baby?

You mentioned that you have a baby. Congratulations.

I'm surprised you didn't have twins, though.

Did they not have a BOGOF on babies at the time?

But you did get a good return on your deposit, which is nice(!)

Um, did you give... Oh, no, I don't know if I can do that!

Don't do it. Whatever it was, don't do it!

Did you give your wife an injection of liquidity?

No, but I've got a great endowment!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

One of your money-saving tips is to buy cheap cola and flush it down the toilet.

Is that to clean it, or just cos it's horrible!

It does, it does a really good clean.

If you talk about bicarbonate of soda and white vinegar are really good.

But I have to admit, there are some things that I say which I admit even I don't do myself.

If you're on a water meter,

there's the old phrase, "If it's yellow, let it mellow,

"if it's brown, flush it down."

I have to say I draw the line a bit above that one.

I flush. I press the little flush, not the big flush.

Don't press the big flush if it's just a bit of yellow.

You press the little flush.

The thing with my diet, sometimes I need to do the two and then a bucket of water.

If you were Chancellor of the Exchequer, what would you do?

Resign!

Thank you very much, Martin. You've been a brilliant guest. Ladies and gentlemen, Martin Lewis!

So I've listened to his advice, but there must be an easier way of making money. There must be.

Ah!

Let's have a go at this.

Pizza, pizza, pizza! Hooray!

I had a horrible feeling there was going to be fruit coming out. Thank God that didn't happen!

There you go, flower!

It's more than Martin got paid, but...

Have you noticed there are so many history programmes on TV at the moment?

Everything I've learned about history, I've got from Blackadder!

I told Blackadder's writer Richard Curtis, and he was both thrilled and appalled.

I take most history with a pinch of salt,

especially the history of Tequila!

AUDIENCE CHEERS

We didn't do History at school. We just did Humanities.

So we just coloured in Romans for four years!

The only thing I know is that the Romans wore pink outfits.

We didn't do World War II at school.

But I heard about it from my granddad.

I wasn't sure if I'd follow it, because I hadn't seen World War I.

But I do know a few things.

The Romantic Era was when Spandau Ballet were top of the hit parade.

The Great Depression lasted from 1929 to World War II

because that's when everyone cheered up!

Ought to be something happening now!

Stockings, chocolate and GI blow-jobs!

I saw in the listings that a show called Secrets of World War II

was on at 6.45am.

I thought, "Put it on at that time and they'll stay secret!"

It's not just the history programmes that have ancient artefacts on.

The other day on Top Gear, I saw some opinions from the 1970s.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I love Who Do You Think You Are? Bloody love it.

But every time it comes on, I'm disappointed that the theme tune

isn't "Swing it, shake it, move it, make it!"

By Series 25, it'll be called, Who the Fuck is That?

The Australian version of Who Do You Think You Are? is called, What Do You Think You Did?

I've actually been on Who Do You Think You Are? They don't tell you where you're going beforehand.

I had to have "cold weather training".

My boyfriend said, "That'll be for the bit when you go back to South Shields"!

When we were filming at my parents' house, the crew needed us to be quiet

while they recorded the sound of the room.

The sound man said, "Recording at Sarah's parents' house, in the back room."

My dad leaned right into the microphone and said,

"Dining room."

I still feel a bit bad for not knowing much about history,

so to explain it all to me, please welcome TV historian, Dan Cruickshank.

Hello!

Are you well?

Dan, welcome to the show. Thank you very much for coming.

-Can we go back to ancient times?

-You can try.

-Thank you.

-Thank you.

Before the Iron Age, was everything just really creased?

Well, very bent. Very bent and wobbly, I'm sure.

Bent and wobbly.

What is oral history? I've heard that happens to most couples, after a while.

Explain.

I'm not going to explain that to you!

I'm certainly not going to explain it you. Not now, anyway!

Not now. We'll do that... Well, not do it... It's...

As part of your series, The Art of Dying,

you asked the BBC Obituary Department if you could read your own obituary.

Did it have a date on it?

-I didn't ask for that.

-Oh! They just gave you it?!

-You know what television's like.

-Hmm, I do.

You do. It's pretty ghastly.

-And, um...

-I'm having a lovely time, just so you know.

Apart from this evening. It wasn't my idea, but the producer decided to have my obituary written.

It was disappointing. It was short.

But he told me... He told me...

I'd reached a reasonable average level. I don't know, a page and a bit.

I've written mine, so tell us what you think of this.

"Here lies Sarah Millican. She finally finished all the biscuits.

"She's buried with her cats.

"They're not happy.

"But at least they won't be hungry for a bit.

"She bought a double plot, so can you let Phillip Schofield know, please."

What historical figures would you have for dinner?

Oh, now, this would be to entertain?

I don't mean like you would eat them.

-Good for you.

-All the fat ones!

Have over for dinner.

I live in Spitalfields in East London.

And there's a notorious character there,

now dead, thank goodness, we suppose,

-Jack the Ripper.

-Oh.

I suppose I would rather like to have this mysterious character at my dining table

to question him.

You'd want a few others as well, cos that would just be awkward, if it was just you and him!

He may reveal his secrets!

Cos you had a thought that Jack the Ripper may have lived in your house, is that correct?

He had a sense of humour. Wicked sense of humour.

He wanted to torment and tease the police force.

And my house is just a few doors down from the police station.

And then I thought, "He'd probably lodge in the area, wouldn't he?"

And my house would have been a perfect place.

It was a cheap lodging house at the time.

So you've come to this in quite an intelligent way.

I just thought maybe you were still getting his post!

That's it!

Now, which other car parks have got kings in?

-That was a brilliant story, wasn't it?

-That was such a good story!

I understand the fact that he was found in a car park,

because I've lost my car in a car park and wandered round and gone,

"I think I'm going to die in here!"

So I totally get it. I totally get it.

Does it annoy you when people say, "And the rest is history."

Because you're like, "Come on, that's the bit that's great!"

Everything is history, isn't it? Everything is history.

This is history now, thank goodness!

-Living history.

-Harsh!

All history is something that happened yesterday, or even a few minutes ago.

Things you can reflect on and learn lessons from.

So the bit where I nearly had to describe to you what oral sex was,

-that's history?

-It's now definitely history!

-But...

-I liked that bit of history.

You've been such an interesting guest. Thanks for coming on the show.

Ladies and gentlemen, Dan Cruickshank.

That's history sorted!

Let's get back to proper telly!

Though structured reality shows are as popular as ever, aren't they,

there are three types of people who watch TOWIE.

People who watch ironically,

people who want to have that lifestyle,

and people who've lost their remote control.

If I wanted to find out inane nonsense about people I don't know or care about,

I'd phone me mam!

TOWIE gave the world the "vajazzle".

Why call it that? Why not "glunt" or "sequim"?

In TOWIE, you can always tell when your fella's having an affair,

cos he comes back from a night out with a glittery mouth!

They even had anal bleaching!

They say you can't polish a turd, but you can give it a big entrance!

But my favourite reality show is Made in Chelsea,

as that's the one that's closest to my lifestyle.

A non-stop round of partying, modelling and fashion blogging.

Sniff me leggings. I can get another day out of them!

One of the blokes is the VIP host for a celebrity hang-out.

Talk about made-up job titles!

He might as well be a unicorn trainer!

Most of the women in Made in Chelsea are "ladies who lunch".

I don't see what's so impressive about that!

I lunch, breakfast, brunch, dinner and tea!

Don't take me on, ladies!

One of them is called Binky.

She sounds like she's been named by a xylophone!

Along with her brother, Plinky-Plonk.

They seem to just keep the nicknames they had at school!

If I did that, I'd be called Norma No-Mates!

I'd like to know more about the world of Made in Chelsea,

because I think I'd fit right in.

So to tell me all about it, please welcome a former star of the show, Gabriella Ellis.

-Hello, Gabriella.

-Hello.

-Welcome to the show. Thanks very much for coming.

Just how posh are you?

Like, do you make common boyfriends use the tradesmen's entrance?

Um, posh?

We live in Chelsea,

so we get branded as really posh,

but I'm the same as everyone else, I like to think.

-And you had to make a difficult choice to leave.

-I did, yes.

Was that because of the bedroom tax, or...

-It must have been hard. Was it hard?

-It was very difficult, actually.

I didn't tell anyone that I was leaving.

So the last scene that you see, when I walk in the room and say I'm leaving, everyone burst into tears.

It was two years of my life. It was a big, big part.

-That's nice that they burst into tears.

-It was.

If they'd just went, "Bye!"

-See you!

-That would be my worry.

You're a bit of a role model, aren't you?

Nowadays, a lot of kids want rich parents, don't they?

Have you ever wanted to visit the north and see how the other half live?

Like Camden, for example?

-I've been to Camden!

-You've been to Camden.

-I've been to Camden, yes.

Is this the furthest north you've been, Salford?

-I've been to Sunderland.

-Wow!

-Is that further? Yes.

-Why?

-Cos...

Do the Chelsea girls go in for the vajazzling as well?

Like TOWIE and the lady gardener?

But is it like posher where you've got somebody in, like.

You've got your own lady gardener.

To look after, you know. To trim your box hedging.

We're not really into our vajazzles.

We like to just, you know, keep it clean.

-Keep it clean's good!

-Keep it clean.

I think I could fit in.

-I think you could.

-In that show. I really do.

I do need a little bit of help with this area!

-With the?

-With the accent.

Because at the moment I do sound a lot like I could work in any call centre, don't I?

"Hello, you're through to Orange. I understand you're thinking of leaving." See?

So what I think I need is a highly-trained vocal coach.

Please welcome Samantha Mesagno.

-Hello.

-Hello.

-Thanks for coming on, pet.

-My pleasure.

Are you going to teach me to talk all dead posh and that

-like Gabriella?

-I'll do my best.

-Yeah?

-Yes.

OK. How the hell are we going to do that?

First of all, I'd like you to stand up for me

because I think what we'll do first is a bit of centring and rooting work.

SARAH GIGGLES

This is going to help to give you confidence when you're doing the audition.

I do feel confident when I've had a good root. I do.

Perfect. What I'd like you to do is stand with your feet hip-width apart

-and place your hands on...

-Hip-width?!

And place your hands on your belly for me.

Which belly?

Do you want the one in my knickers or the one that's just over the top?

Just around your belly button area.

Belly button. That bit there?

Absolutely. So how this is going to go,

is I'm going to give you a double bounce of sound

and you're going to repeat it.

-OK.

-Then I'll do another double bounce of sound and you repeat it.

We're going to work on the lovely RP vowels when we do this, all right?

OK. Stop laughing, you!

Hands on the belly. Focus on that centre, and...

Huh! Huh-huh!

-Give it a try. Huh-huh!

-Lovely.

-Hi-hi!

-Hi-hi.

-Ho-ho.

-Ho-ho.

I feel like Santa, now! Ho-ho-ho!

Ho-ho-ho-ho!

-You're doing very well.

-Thanks.

The next thing we're going to work on now is something called oral posture.

Oh, that's down on me knees?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-No?

-Oral posture is...

Cos if you're in the car, you just lean over.

That's when we're looking at what the lips, teeth, tongue and jaw are doing

and primarily we're going to focus in...

Teeth? Teeth?!

I'm almost certain you're not supposed to use teeth.

Just a little bit, like...

That's all right. Looking at the jaw for this one.

So with RP, what we're after is a lovely released jaw.

That means there'll be more space in the mouth...

Absolutely. So there's lots more room for those lovely RP vowels to bounce around.

There's lots of room in there!

So, you're going to love this.

I'd like you to place your hands together.

Brilliant. I want you to adopt a dropped-jaw position, which is "Uh".

-Absolutely.

-LAUGHTER

-Shut up!

-And what I'd like you to do...

What I'd like you to do is we're going to shake our hands forward and backwards...

I promise there is a purpose to this!

The head should stay beautifully still,

the jaws should be lovely and released.

And we're going to be doing it on an "Ah" sound.

Do an "ah" sound. So you can watch me, if you like, first of all,

-and then...

-I'd like to.

-All right.

Ahhhhh!

Now your turn.

-Ready?

-Yeah.

-And...

TOGETHER: Ahhhhh!

-Very well done.

-It's a really small one!

Aw!

Look. Aw!

That's brilliant for loosening the jaw,

because I can see that yours... Actually, it might not be that tight. Moving on.

The next... The next thing I really want us to look at

is the vowel changes. I'm moving on to the major, major RP vowel sounds.

The first one that I'd like you to consider is the "O" sound.

Found in the words like "don't" and "know". Say that for me.

-GEORDIE ACCENT:

-Don't. Know.

-That's how I say it. Don't and know.

-So give me the O sound.

-O.

-Much better!

-Incorporate that now...

-MIMICS A CROW

-O.

-Don't.

-Don't.

-Know.

-Know.

-Much better! Well done!

-POSH:

-I don't know.

And last but not least, the other really important vowel is the long vowel sound "Ah"

moving from its short position, potentially with your accent,

So if you were saying words like laugh and bath and grass,

they would be lengthened with a long "ah" sound

to bath, laugh, grass.

Give it a go for me.

-POSH VOICE:

-Laugh.

-Good.

-Bath.

-Lovely.

-Grass.

-Very good!

I think I've got it. I really do.

I just need to accessorise. Bear with us a second.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Why don't you say this and have a conversation with Gabriella?

Oh, God! OK.

OK. Let's do this.

-POSH VOICE:

-"So anyway, like...

.."I'm having drinkies with Binky and Cheska

"when who should so turn up but Millie.

"And, like, she's so up in my grill.

"And she's like, 'Way', and I'm like, 'No way'.

"So I totally throw my glass of pop in her face.

"Only Cava. Totally worth it.

"Anyway, j'adore Chelsea. Don't you think, Gabs?"

GEORDIE ACCENT: I'd never know what you were talking about, pet!

Thank you very much for coming on the show.

Ladies and gentlemen, Gabriella Ellis and Samantha Mesagno.

-SEXY, POSH VOICE:

-That's it for tonight.

Unfortunately, we didn't have time to talk about the BBC's economics editor, Stephanie Flanders,

whose radio show is called Stephanomics.

It's a shame she doesn't do it on the telly.

She could show statistics on a "Stephy graph".

Business news, which is what we call it at home when the cat's like totally shat where he shouldn't.

And we didn't have time to talk about the rest of history.

Apparently, there's like fucking loads of it.

Ciao!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd