Episode 6 The Sarah Millican Television Programme

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello and welcome to the Sarah Millican Television Programme.

Now, I've got a confession - I love Gok Wan.

I love what he's done for women.

How early in life did he develop the instinct he has with us, though?

Did he turn around to the nurse in the delivery room,

and say, "Honey, it should be me slapping your arse for hiding away those curves."

LAUGHTER

A lot of what he does revolves around encouraging women to get their tits out.

There's a fine line between fashion advice and a football chant.

I love watching The Apprentice, and I especially like the episode

where he gives them a list of things to procure.

It's like a treasure hunt, isn't it?

I have to wonder if that's just Lord Sugar's shopping list.

You need to get a mauve pashmina, some perfume, and a nightie for a woman who's about this big.

I spotted a show in the paper called Virgin Diaries.

What's that like?

No entries this month.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Do you know what I've noticed,

and I can say this on the BBC.

We don't really watch adverts any more, do we?

The last advert I watched was for my Sky Plus box, and that one worked.

Do you do what I do, and pause a programme at the beginning

while you have a wee, and get the Quality Street out?

LAUGHTER

And then when they say, "We'll be back after the break",

you can go, "No, you bloody won't."

Women's adverts always have a group of four, one of whom is laughing so hard she might piss out a kidney.

They're trying to make it like Sex and the City,

apart from the fact that they're talking about laxatives and feminine hygiene.

When I'm with my friends, I don't think I've ever said,

"I feel a bit bloated."

But I have said, "Sorry, I've just done a bloody big fart."

LAUGHTER

Advert jingles take up space in your head that could be used for more important stuff.

You still can't remember your nan's birthday, but for 30 years

you've kept, "Ho-ho-ho, Green Giant" in there.

Is that all that'll be left at the end?

What's your name?

Maybe it's Maybelline.

LAUGHTER

The only place you see advertising on the BBC

is on Formula 1.

It's always big brands on the cars, isn't it?

You never see offers for two for one on pork steaks.

Or ladies free before 11 o'clock.

The cars are incredible though.

Some of them can reach over 100 miles an hour before I've even got to the remote.

It's very loud as well, isn't it? Must be really hard to hear the sat-nav.

Round again.

Round again.

Last one.

LAUGHTER

It must be difficult driving round the Monaco street circuit.

I'd just get distracted - "Oh, Bonmarche have got a sale on."

They drive at around 200 miles an hour.

Try steering at that speed with your legs, while opening a sandwich,

and balancing your Monster Munch in between your knees.

If that was Formula 1, I'd be Sebastian Vettel.

It is a male-dominated sport, but one woman who has managed

to get herself involved is the presenter of Formula 1 on the BBC.

Please welcome Suzi Perry.

-Welcome.

-Thank you very much.

-Welcome to the show. Thanks ever so much for coming on.

-Nice to be here.

Now, given the many regulations, weight changes and enhancement of the McLaren power package,

why does Jenson Button look like such a nob on the Santander adverts?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

He's very handsome. It's hard to make him look like a nob. Done a good job, haven't they?

They have managed, though, haven't they? Bless him for trying.

If Max Mosley invited you to a party, what would you go as?

-I'm actually thinking of that.

-What would you go as?

Cat's ears, PVC, a lead...

-Leash.

-Just like a normal Tuesday outfit.

LAUGHTER

Understood. Do you get to drive the Formula 1?

Like, when they've stopped, do you get to have a little go?

-No, sadly not.

-Would you like to?

I'd love to. Would you like to?

How fast can I go? Can I go...

Sometimes I do like 72.

They don't have a middle lane on a track.

Oh, really? Well, where am I supposed to go?

LAUGHTER

I mean, it's all very well doing what they do in a flashy car.

But could they do that in like a Nissan Micra, do you think?

You know, with their family in the back seat.

They can drive anything.

Like a bus?

Now, that's a really good idea.

Let's have a bus driving championship.

-That'd be amazing.

-You'd be more into that, wouldn't you?

I would. Can I sit above the driver, cos that's the best seat,

cos you can pretend you're driving.

When you say above the driver...

-Not like...

-So he can see at least while he's driving? Not...?

No!

I don't mean you sit on the driver's face.

LAUGHTER

He'd be driving, doing that erratic thing

that men do when they get excited when they're driving.

They keep braking.

Apparently.

LAUGHTER

That's...

That's never happened to me.

It's happened to you? You've seen that, have you?

I've...heard about that, yeah.

You dirty bitch.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You always hear the conversations between the pit and the drivers.

Are they allowed personal calls as well?

Like, "Hello, love. Sorry, I can't pop to Asda. I'm busy."

I think they would like it if you called in.

-Oh, really, do you think?

-About lap 35, maybe text a picture of yourself.

LAUGHTER

I have usually got a few of those just in my roll of photos.

Just spare ones. I've always got a couple of spare.

The thing is, if you've already taken photos in advance,

it can have been when it was tidy, you know.

LAUGHTER

If somebody says, "Oh, send us a picture of your..."

What, of your downstairs?

Yeah, and then... I thought that's what you were talking about.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

What if you lose the phone?

They're not going to recognise us off that.

I hope not.

You've been such an amazing guest. Thank you very much for coming on the show.

Ladies and gentlemen, Suzi Perry.

Another one of my favourite shows is MasterChef.

It's like X Factor for dinners.

I just like to watch the early auditions, cos that's when you see the nutters.

Beef and ice-cream.

I'm not allowed to use knives normally.

This rose is for you, John Torode.

They always say a glug of olive oil, don't they?

A glug. What happened to teaspoons?

A glug.

I'm not sure if I'm doing it right, but I take a swig, and then spit it in the pot.

LAUGHTER

Not always. Sometimes I just swallow.

LAUGHTER

I like watching Secret Eaters.

If you haven't seen it, it goes a little like this.

A woman says, "I just don't understand.

I shouldn't be this fat for the amount I eat."

LAUGHTER

Then they film her eating six big dinners in a day,

show it to her, and she goes,

"Oh."

That's it. It's brilliant. At some point she always says,

"I've tried everything." Yeah, that's the problem, love.

If I had a diet programme it would be called,

A Big Shit and a Haircut.

But my favourite food programme is not one you'd expect.

It's The One Show, because I can't eat my tea without it.

There are two types of people - people who watch The One Show,

and those who have a kitchen table.

I've been on The One Show, and it was probably the only time

when my parents have been truly proud,

because it was a show they were already watching.

LAUGHTER

Mock the what?

Eight out of Ten what?

The Sarah what television programme?

It's on at the perfect time so that you don't have to listen to how your partner's day was.

"God, what a day I've had."

"Shut up. I'm trying to listen to Giles Brandreth on the history of candy floss."

LAUGHTER

It should be called It's This or Emmerdale.

It's the only show where you can get comments on jam from Chris Akabusi and the Dalai Lama.

It's like a crazy dinner party where only a couple of people know one another,

and have to make small talk.

"So, Lionel Ritchie...

..have you ever been to the Barnstable Lawnmower Museum?"

LAUGHTER

Having presented the show myself, it's not natural how close they expect you to sit on the sofa.

Before I did the show, I'd only got that close to someone if I fancied them

or was freezing to death.

They told me, pretend you're on your sofa at home.

I said, "Oh, no, you don't want me to do that."

Anyone feeling hungry?

It must be time to see the hosts of The One Show on the big screen.

Please welcome Matt Baker and Alex Jones.

Hello, Matt, hello, Alex, and how are you two?

-Very well, Sarah. How are you?

-I'm good, I'm good.

Thanks very much for joining us on the show.

-It's lovely.

-Let me ask you a question.

How do you keep a straight face when people send in their rubbish pictures of stuff that they've made?

Because a lot of it's properly shit, isn't it?

LAUGHTER

Well, I mean, to be honest with you, what you see is the best.

It's amazing, isn't it, because whatever we ask for, they come in in their hundreds.

We genuinely think no-one is ever going to send in a picture about X, Y, or Z.

Well, we've never ever done a call-out

where nobody's sent a photo.

-That's what we should try and do.

-Challenge them from now on.

Like a picture of a cock made out of pasta shapes.

-We'd so get some.

-That's just off the top of my head.

I could come up with loads of these.

Anyway, this doesn't feel right talking to you like this. Hold on a second.

Brilliant.

That's better.

No, seriously though, Sarah, I know exactly how you feel,

because to be honest with you, I cannot go on air without having had my evening meal.

He doesn't work without some food in him first.

Aw, that's so good to know.

Because I worry that if you waited till after the show,

you'd be bloody starving.

There's always a half-eaten banana behind here as well.

LAUGHTER

If energy levels start to drop throughout the show,

we can just have a quick nibble, put it back,

and then go out for a film.

We've also got... Look, we've also got a cat with a coconut on its head.

Is that just in case energy levels are low as well?

LAUGHTER

Yeah.

You guys are such divas with your demands.

Why is the show usually half an hour, but it's a full 60 minutes on a Wednesday?

Is Wednesday a really heavy news day for pointless shit?

LAUGHTER

Hey, listen, we'd sit down here and talk for as long as people want us to.

We don't really know what's going out on telly.

We just sit here and chat.

-It could come to us at any point.

-Do you do an hour every night, but they just choose to cut it off?

Exactly.

How much time did you spend perfecting

your "I'm really interested in what we're talking about" face?

Like, cos I'm not very good... I'll show you mine.

I'll show you like this.

LAUGHTER

Matt, why don't you do a link to Alex, and we'll watch Alex do an interested face.

Let's see one, OK?

Just any... Just a general... Ready?

Um...

Right. With the Olympics still in our memories,

we've been trying to find out the identity of Britain's oldest pole vaulter.

Now, lots of you have sent in claims

Phil Tufnell grabbed his pole and went to sea.

LAUGHTER

So... One of the things I do love about you, Matt,

is that you're really symmetrical.

Am I?

What do you mean by that? What do you mean?

You just are. You're just really symmetrical. Like, your face is really symmetrical.

And symmetrical is good, because the more symmetrical, the more attractive, apparently.

Well, in that case, you're symmetrical as well, Alex.

Tell your amazing fact.

Alex tells me this every other day, about who you're attracted to.

Oh, so, you're attracted to somebody that reminds you of your mother.

Not if you're a girl, cos then it would be your father,

but if you're a boy, somebody who is similar to your mother.

-We have this every other day.

-Is your boyfriend similar to your father?

Um, in personality, or like...sexiness?

LAUGHTER

Now I feel awkward.

Cos it's a yes to both!

Who was the second-worst guest you've ever had on the show?

LAUGHTER

-Second-worst?

-Well, yeah.

I didn't think we were going to mention Bruce Willis.

LAUGHTER

I think... Oh, there's been so many.

LAUGHTER

Alan Titch... No, we're joking. He was lovely.

Who did we have on who'd just got back off the plane?

-From America.

-David Cassidy.

David Cassidy. David Cassidy.

That man is not welcome here again.

LAUGHTER

He'd just got off a very long flight, so he was completely off his face.

He didn't know which country, programme,

day it was... I mean, he was all over the shop.

-No, it's not very nice.

-They are few and far between, because most of our guests,

honestly, Sarah, as you know, they are absolutely lovely.

They play the game. You know, British public love them, so we're onto a winner, really.

It's just when the Americans come over.

LAUGHTER

It's just we're nutty.

Now, Matt, is there anything that you can't conjure up enthusiasm for,

like I bet you could make something really depressing,

like the end of the world, for example, sound really cheery.

-Do you want to give it a go?

-Yeah, you could.

Yeah, I'll give it a go. So, we're in the show, yeah?

Like, in the show, and then you've got to drop that in.

OK.

Alex, I mean, that was fascinating stuff there

about the pelicans.

Amazing. Now, we've just had...just had some news in.

-The world is going to end in three minutes.

-Yes!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

There you are. Well, hang on.

We've got three minutes. We've got three minutes, everyone.

It's just going to give us enough time to show you our amazing...

Look at this scale model of Didcot town centre.

Made of cheese.

It's been a total joy to have you on. Thank you very much for joining us.

Ladies and gentlemen, Matt Baker and Alex Jones.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, we all love a big shiny Saturday night entertainment show, don't we?

Strictly Come Dancing, The X Factor, Britain's Got Talent...

Basically, anything that involves a panel of judges

telling someone they're not very good at something.

Judging is what we all do on a Saturday night anyway if we go out.

Look at that dress.

Those jeans on those thighs...

If that skirt was any shorter, you'd see wisps.

These shows are about making staying in the same as going out.

There's singing, there's tears,

there's dancing and flirting.

All you need is to get fingered at a car park, and job done.

CHEERING AND LAUGHTER

X Factor has now had 12 Christmas number ones, and one Christmas number two.

I usually manage more than that before EastEnders.

Tulisa said that being fired from X Factor left a nasty taste in her mouth.

LAUGHTER

And you can finish that one off for yourselves.

Which is also what she should have said.

If I was a judge on The Voice, I'd call myself Mill.i.can.

I love Britain's Got Talent, but Amanda Holden cries a lot, doesn't she?

Does she do that thing with her hands to wave her tears back into her eyes?

Crying's brilliant. Why try and stop it?

Afterwards I feel like I've achieved something.

Makes you feel good tired, you know, like after sex.

And if you do both together, you feel properly rested.

LAUGHTER

There's now versions of this show all around the world.

Australia's Got Talent, Armenia's Got Talent,

Vietnam's Got Talent, and in Saudi Arabia, Men Have Got Talent.

The last two years have proved that the most talented people in Britain are some Hungarians, and a dog.

LAUGHTER

I'd like to know more about being a television judge,

so please welcome, from Strictly Come Dancing, Bruno Tonioli.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, Bruno, Come Dancing... Have you ever?

LAUGHTER

Have I ever?

I was watching you backstage, but I could've with pleasure.

LAUGHTER

What a lovely thing to say!

She's so fabulous and funny.

You're so funny.

Do you think you are too hard sometimes?

LAUGHTER

I've never had complaints about being too hard, you know.

-Really?

-Usually they like it hard.

I was talking about judging.

Oh, I'm sorry!

LAUGHTER

There aren't many famous Italians over here.

I think there's just you, Frankie Dettori, and Mama Dolmio.

Mama Dolmio!

And I'm pretty sure she was made in Holland.

Why is that? Why aren't there more Italians here?

No, there's Gino. Gino D'Acampo.

The chef, and...

That's it.

-There's Gino...

-Sophia Loren, but she's about 78.

-She's still Italian, though.

-Still Italian, yeah.

OK. You're in Dancing with the Stars in America.

What's the difference between judging in America, and judging here?

It's funny, because in America, in America you can say fanny, but you can't say pussy.

In Britain, you can say pussy but you can't say fanny.

That's the main difference, is it?

That's it.

LAUGHTER

On Strictly, the last dance should be a slowie, shouldn't it?

The old erection section.

The erection section. The rumba is my favourite.

-Is that the erection one?

-Because it's all about sex.

Basically, it's like having sex, you know.

That's not how I do it.

So what do you do when you're having sex? You don't rub against somebody else?

Just lie there for a bit.

-You're waiting for it to happen.

-And then just put my nightie down.

LAUGHTER

You know, I've always wanted to be a Saturday telly judge.

I've always wanted to be one. Will you help me, Bruno?

-I'd love to.

-Let's do it, let's do it.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Do you think we're going to find a star tonight?

Oh, yes. We're going to find the biggest, brightest, most exciting star Britain has ever seen.

-I'm sure.

-Excellent. Right, who's next?

-What's your name, love?

-Sarah.

It's been quite a journey for you, hasn't it?

Yeah, it has. Two buses, and then it was a walk.

LAUGHTER

Sarah, do you think you can win this?

I wouldn't have thought so, but you're the bloody judge.

-What are you going to do for us?

-I'm going to tell you a story.

There'll be tears, but not necessarily in a good way.

In your own time, pet.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING

GASPS

GASPS AND LAUGHTER

That was the worst sexy geranium I've ever seen.

-Dreadful.

-Oh, enough is enough.

(IN TREMBLING VOICE) I'm sorry, but it's a no from us.

You know nothing. I'm going to be huge!

I'm going to have a number one record...

of shadows.

So a rabbit to you, and a rabbit to you.

-Actually, not you. You look lovely today.

-Oh, thank you. That's so nice.

Actually...

BOOING

Thank you very much for being on the show. Ladies and gentlemen, Bruno Tonioli.

That's it for tonight. Unfortunately, we haven't had time

to talk about those other singing shows that transform your life.

If you win, you'll have no privacy.

Unless you win The Voice. You'll have a fair bit of privacy then.

"Didn't you win The Voice?" "Yes. Now, do you want fries with that or not?"

We haven't had time to talk about This Morning.

They called it that so old people would know when it's on.

The One Show completely confuses them.

LAUGHTER

We haven't had time to talk about rugby, football or cricket. Good.

LAUGHTER

Or snooker. It's extremely boring.

Though it does liven up slightly when there's a gentle kiss on the pink.

Good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd