Volume 1 The Sarah Millican Television Programme

This programme contains some strong language

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello and welcome to the Sarah Millican television programme!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, I've got a confession. I love Gok Wan.

I love what he has done for women.

How early in life did he develop the instinct he has with us, though?

Did he turn around to the nurse in the delivery room and say,

"Honey, it should be me slapping your arse for hiding away those curves!"

A lot of what he does revolves around encouraging women to get their tits out.

There's a fine line between fashion advice and a football chant.

LAUGHTER

You may be surprised to know I've got really broad tastes

when it comes to TV.

Sometimes I will be watching telly with my boyfriend and I'll say,

"Do you fancy watching the adult channel?"

And his eyes light up and he says,

-"Yes, I do!"

-LAUGHTER

-Then I put BBC Four on.

-LAUGHTER

When fast-forwarding in the advert breaks,

some people should only be allowed to do times-6.

Honestly, times-30 is too much for you, pet!

When you can hit the Doritos logo

and not end up at the end credits, I might allow you to try times-12!

Unless it's a football match.

I'm shit hot. I can do times-30.

-"Sponsored by..."

-SHE EXHALES

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I've got a bit of a habit of watching animal clips on the Internet.

I'm just about to go to bed and I'll go,

"I'll just have one more clip of cats and then I'll go to bed."

Then it says, "If you like that one, you might like this one."

It's a bit like single men watching porn. "Just one more!"

As happens with porn, the more cat clips I watch,

the more extreme I need them to be. I've seen it all.

Cats in boxes, cats in baths, cats reacting to printers.

-LAUGHTER

-"I need something more!

"I need something harder!

-"Oh, two cats cuddling in a sink."

-LAUGHTER

-"Oh, there it is!"

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

David Attenborough has taught me a lot about animals.

Female black widow spiders eat their mates after sex.

Lucky buggers!

I'm always starving after sex!

If I've missed my lunch, I could have a threesome!

LAUGHTER

-Missed my lunch!

-LAUGHTER

At 15 inches, the eyes of the giant squid

are the largest on the planet,

especially when they've just found out what calamari is.

"Thought that was onion rings!"

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Sometimes, when I see something like a black guillemot

or a white gyrfalcon or my favourite bird of all,

which is a wall creeper, then...

everything goes moist, really, to be quite honest with you!

LAUGHTER

You think that's probably weird but you sometimes...

I don't think I'm the only one that thinks that's weird!

But, you know, birds are really good-looking animals.

You know, I like the look of feathers.

-I prefer the feel of feathers to fur or hair or skin.

-Skin?

Skin, yeah. LAUGHTER

You've sometimes got your favourite T-shirt on

and you've been listening to The Jesus And Mary Chain in the car

and you stop and you open the window and it's just THERE!

HE SIGHS

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Now, you love...

You love horses.

But you know what happened to horses when they are not very good?

-LAUGHTER

-Do you...

LAUGHTER

Do you ever use a Pritt Stick and get sad?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-SHE HUMS

-Aw!

-LAUGHTER

-I knew him!

-I actually might cry!

-Really?

-That is awful!

-Could you do it to camera?

-LAUGHTER

Do you have to take the Blue Peter animals home?

-The dog is mine.

-Is it?

-The dog that's on the show at the minute,

Barney the dog, he's my dog so he comes home with me.

I like that you called him Barney The Dog. Is that his surname?

We have to call him that

-because the other presenter is called Barney as well.

-Of course!

But you would think you wouldn't get a person and a dog mixed up often.

"Have you done the shit on the floor again, Barney?"

"Which one do you mean?"

Do people watch your shows to see if you'll get injured or killed?

LAUGHTER

Without a doubt.

The first thing that kids ask is,

"When was the last time you got bitten?"

"What is the thing you are most scared of?"

"What was the thing that nearly killed you the most?"

It's the thing that fascinates people.

They desperately want to see me get munched.

What was the thing that nearly killed...

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

-Not in that way!

-They are...

I apologise.

-I apologise.

-This is definitely your crowd, not mine.

It is my crowd. They see innuendo in every sentence!

There's a question I've always wanted to ask you.

-Does Bear Grylls shit in the woods?

-LAUGHTER

Have you got any creature comforts that you like to take away with you?

Not really.

I mean, toilet rolls. The places I go to, you need them.

-Would that be like a multipack?

-LAUGHTER

No, the best thing is a flat-pack.

You know, you can't...

Have you just got to sit for hours before you go, tearing it all off?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"Pass us that other roll!"

You know, I love the beginning of I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!

when they reveal all of the contestants.

Cos there's always one you thought was dead.

LAUGHTER

I'm not sure I could handle it in the jungle.

I'm not very good at being hungry.

I would end up just picking off the other contestants.

They would come back and go, "Where's Frankie Dettori?"

LAUGHTER

"Sorry. It's two o'clock and I hadn't had a sandwich!"

For me, the worst task would be putting a bikini on!

LAUGHTER

"I don't want to!"

"Come on. Get it on.

"If you don't put it on, you'll have to eat those kangaroo anuses over there."

"Those? I've been eating those all day!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"I thought they were nibbles!"

Does anyone in the room eat on their own regularly?

A few people do. Yeah.

I used to have a series of office jobs

and I would rather be alone in the park.

I'm not paid for my lunch hour

so I'm not spending it with those bell-ends!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It comes to something when you'd rather risk getting flashed at

than having to talk to Computer John.

LAUGHTER

By the way, if there is anybody watching from any of my old jobs, I don't mean you!

LAUGHTER

John...

-..in computers.

-LAUGHTER

When I was clearing out my kitchen cupboards,

I found a Christmas pudding from 1988.

It was fine with a bit of custard on.

LAUGHTER

I've only ever made one cake and it was for my ex-husband.

That's not the reason he's "ex". It's probably one of the reasons.

He said, "That'll be lovely with a bit of custard on."

When people offer to put custard on something,

it's never a compliment, is it?

Imagine the first night in bed with a new partner

and he looks at your who-d'ya-me-wotsit and says,

"That'll be lovely with a bit of custard on."

LAUGHTER

"Why's that, then?" "It's a bit dry."

LAUGHTER

"And whose fault is that?"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Another one of my favourite shows is MasterChef.

They always say a glug of olive oil, don't they? A glug.

What happened to teaspoons? A glug!

I'm not sure if I'm doing it right

but I take a swig and then spit it in the pan.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Not always. Sometimes I just swallow!

LAUGHTER

I like watching Secret Eaters.

If you haven't seen it, it goes a little like this.

A woman says, "I just don't understand!

"I shouldn't be this fat for the amount that I eat!"

LAUGHTER

Then they film her eating six big dinners in a day,

show it to her and she goes, "Ah!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

If you were a bread, what kind would you be?

Cos I think Mary Berry might be, like, a sourdough.

-What would you be?

-I would be a baguette!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I would be... I think I would be a crusty bloomer.

A crusty bloomer.

-Love a crusty bloomer.

-Love the crusty bloomers!

Get this mess out onto there.

That's the basic scone mix.

It's quite a wet mix. Now what I need to do is shape it into a ball.

Obviously, scone, I prefer it wet than dry.

LAUGHTER

If the dough...if it's too dry, it doesn't work.

-Dry is not good, is it?

-LAUGHTER

In scone, what we do is chaff.

-It's a light, gentle fold.

-OK.

It's a nice...

MUSIC: "Unchained Melody" by The Righteous Brothers

# Oh, my love

# My darling

# I've hungered for your touch

# A long lonely time...#

Thank you very much.

Let's give a big round of applause to Paul Hollywood!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Thank you.

But my favourite food programme is not one you would expect.

It's The One Show, because I can't eat my tea without it.

LAUGHTER

I've been on The One Show

and it's probably the only time when my parents have been truly proud,

cos it was a show they were already watching.

-LAUGHTER

-"Mock the what?"

"8 Out of 10 what?"

"The Sarah what Television Programme?"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's on at the perfect time

so that you don't have to listen to how your partner's day was.

"God! What a day I've had!" "Shut up. I'm trying to listen to

"Gyles Brandreth on the history of candyfloss!"

It's the only show where you can get comments on jam

from Kriss Akabusi and the Dalai Lama.

It's like a crazy dinner party where only a couple of people

know one another and have to make small talk.

"So, Lionel Richie..."

"..have you ever been to the Barnstaple Lawn Mower Museum?"

LAUGHTER

Having presented the show myself,

it's not natural how close they expect you to sit on the sofa.

Before I did the show, I'd only got that close to someone

if I fancied them or was freezing to death.

They told me, "Pretend you are on your sofa at home."

I said, "Oh, no. You don't want me to do that!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

How do you keep a straight face

when people send in their rubbish pictures of stuff they have made?

LAUGHTER

Because a lot of it is properly shit, isn't it?

LAUGHTER

To be honest with you, what you see is the best!

Why is the show usually half an hour

but it's a full 60 minutes on a Wednesday?

Is Wednesday a really heavy news day for pointless shit?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-You tell me.

-Brilliant!

-APPLAUSE

I used to like watching Adrian Chiles in the morning

but only because he looks slightly worse than I do!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I'd be rubbish at breakfast TV.

BBC NEWS THEME

..leading to a 70% decline in the bee population worldwide.

So potential problems in store, there, for us beekeepers, perhaps.

Sarah, what do you think about bees?

-I like bees best when they're dying.

-LAUGHTER

Like in the winter and they want you to stand on them

cos they are in such pain, but I just leave them.

"You climbed in my pop. You are on your own, mate."

-LAUGHTER

-Are you tired? I'm tired.

-I'm sorry if I smell a bit.

-LAUGHTER

-Can you smell bacon?

-LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

In a boost to the economy, the latest figures show consumer spending

rose 1.2% last month. Do you think, then,

there is a light at the end of the tunnel, Sarah?

You never look at me any more, do you, Bill?

LAUGHTER

I don't know if you know this, but you know nobody is watching

at this time in the morning, don't you?

They might have you on, but you'll just be on mute.

LAUGHTER

You're just a clock to most people.

APPLAUSE

I really like driving,

but I'm not the biggest fan of car programmes.

There's Top Gear, Fifth Gear. I can't be arsed with all of that.

I'm waiting for a show called Automatic.

LAUGHTER

They have a feature called Star In A Reasonably Priced Car.

The best thing is the leaderboard where the celebrities' times

are ranked, with allowance made for road conditions.

You get things on the leaderboard like this:

Steve Coogan, dry.

LAUGHTER

Carol Vorderman, slightly damp.

LAUGHTER

And Davina McCall, very wet.

LAUGHTER

You can get celebrity voices on your sat nav now.

I've got George Michael on mine.

"You haven't reached your destination

"but hurl yourself out of the car anyway."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You are a motoring aficionado, a journalist and an all-round expert.

-So they say.

-What I'd like to know is have you ever had sex in a car?

LAUGHTER

Yes.

CHEERING

APPLAUSE

Do you ever fantasise about two ginormous airbags

going off in your face?

Occasionally.

Don't we all, love? Don't we all?

Now, whose voice do you have on your sat nav?

Do you have a voice on your sat nav?

No, I just have a normal disembodied female voice.

Is that how you like your women?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I mean, it's all very well doing what they do in a flashy car

but could they do that in, like, a Nissan Micra, do you think?

You know, with the family in the back seat.

-They can drive anything.

-Like a bus?

Now, that's a really good idea.

-Let's have a bus-driving championship.

-That would be amazing.

-You'd be more into that, wouldn't you?

-I would.

Can I sit above the driver?

Cos that's the best seat because you can pretend you're driving.

-When you say above the driver...

-Not like...

-So he can see, at least, while his driving, not...

-No.

LAUGHTER

I don't mean you sit... on the driver's face!

APPLAUSE

The thing about driving, it's doing that erratic thing that men do

when they get excited when they're driving they keep braking and...

LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH

That's... That's... That's never happened to me.

LAUGHTER

-So that's happened to you. You've seen that, have you?

-I've...

Heard about that, yeah.

You dirty bitch!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

People often think

that you and Phil Spencer are an item, don't they?

-Yes.

-Have you ever thought, "Fuck it. I'm going to have a go on that?"

LAUGHTER

"People are thinking it. I might as well have a go."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

You're damned if you do, you're damned if you don't.

I can deny it till I'm blue in the face, it doesn't convince anyone.

-So you have.

-No...

LAUGHTER

Do you think it's rude to carry on a conversation during sex?

It depends on the conversation. I think we should talk more during sex.

Is texting all right?

LAUGHTER

-Texting, no. But talking, yes.

-Not even if it's on silent?

I suppose it depends on the position.

If they can't see, you can probably get away with it.

If they can't see, you can sometimes have a book on the go.

What's the best offer Phil has given you?

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

This is all of the questions, you do know that? They're all about this.

-Yeah.

-Have you touched it? That's the next one.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I really like that show Jewish Mum Of The Year.

I think they should do more of these but with different categories.

My mam would be great in Geordie Mam Of The Year.

She once made me a terry-towelling boob tube.

She didn't mind me being sexy as long as I was warm.

LAUGHTER

When I was little and I didn't know a word,

I'd ask my mam, but there was one time I must have asked a rude word

and she said to us,

"In the future, when you're asking about a word

"and you think it might be rude,

"just say so, so I can brace myself."

So then I'd go, "Mam, this word might be rude."

"What's Velcro?"

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

"Mam, what's tea-bagging?"

"Oh, thank God. I thought it was going to be something rude.

"That's when you steep the tea bag for a long time

"so that the tea is strong enough

"to take away the taste of bollocks in your mouth."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

At school we had a swimming teacher that never went in the pool, ever.

We all wondered why and then my friend said, "Maybe she's soluble."

LAUGHTER

I grew up watching all those American dating movies

so when I was playing rounders

and the PE teacher told me to go for third base

I wanked him off.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

In netball, it was always the popular girls that were asked

to pick teams and I was usually picked last.

There was even a time when one team decided

they would rather be a man down than have me on their side.

AUDIENCE: Aw!

But once, just once, the teacher asked me

if I'd like to pick a team. Of course I bloody did.

So I picked every girl in that class who had glasses or an inhaler...

LAUGHTER

..a wonky eye, club feet, braces or a sling.

I built myself a team of mutants.

LAUGHTER

Or, as I like to call them, my friends.

We will trip people up with our crutches

and we'll see the ball better with our jam-jar glasses.

We will obscure the opponents' vision with our massive perms.

Now, if this was a Hollywood film, we would have won. But it wasn't.

It was a comprehensive school in South Shields. We got slaughtered.

For most of those girls, it was the first time

they'd held a netball when not putting it in a cupboard.

Well, this is quite some story

at the Olympics of 2012.

This girl has come from nowhere.

She has limited athletic ability

and absolutely no certificates

apart from something proving that she can swim 10m.

AUDIENCE JOIN APPLAUSE

Sarah Millican will now attempt the forward roll.

We're looking for a clean entry, a clean exit,

rhythm and balance in between.

And she goes into the forward roll!

Oh, and she struggles a bit to get up.

A lovely present to finish.

The audience here in London go mad.

What a sensational performance from Sarah Millican.

Water-boarding.

Is it more fun than skiing? And...

LAUGHTER

Cos I think it's my least favourite of the water sports.

-Which is your favourite?

-Of all the water sports?

-Yeah.

Bath.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Sarah, what's happening in your game?

Well, there are lots of men in coloured shirts

but I'm not sure who are the goodies and who are the baddies.

It looks like only one of the players remembered to bring a ball

and now everyone's chasing around trying to get it.

The crowd seemed to be asking if someone takes it up the a...

Arsenal have scored at the Emirates.

We'll keep an eye on that one, that's for sure.

Because we've got to teams who badly need a win

if they're going to qualify for the Champions League next season. So...

-Oh! Oh! Oh!

-Well, it sounds like there have been developments already.

-Sarah.

-Oh, Rachel has just said she still loves Ross.

Oh, I love Ross.

That's...Ross County

and Rachel...

Town.

I'm not surprised, Sarah. The form Ross County are in.

Three consecutive away wins on a Wednesday and no yellow cards.

-That's the first time that's happened since February 1994.

-Oh, my God!

-What ARE you watching now, Sarah?

-I'm being good, Jeff.

-I'm watching Chelsea.

-And how are they doing?

-Not so good.

Ollie's cut his hair off and one of the girls is worried

she might have chlamydia.

LAUGHTER

My favourite reality show is Made In Chelsea,

as that's the one that's closest to my lifestyle.

A non-stop round of partying, modelling and fashion blogging.

"Sniffed me leggings, can get another day out of them."

Now, are you going to teach me how to talk all dead posh

-and that, like Gabriella?

-I am going to do my best.

-Yeah?

-Yes.

What are we going to do? How the hell are we going to do that?

First of all, I'd like you to stand up for me, because I think what

-we'll do first of all is a bit of centring and rooting work.

-Oh!

SHE GIGGLES

This is going to help to give you confidence

when you're doing the audition...

I do feel confident when I've had a good run.

Perfect.

So, what I'd like you to do is to stand with your feet

hip-width apart and place your...

Hip-width?

And place your hands on your belly for me.

Oh, which belly?

Do you want the one in the knickers or the one

that's just slightly over the top?

You're doing very well.

Next thing we're going to work on now is something that's called

oral posture.

Oh, that's down on me knees?

Oral posture...

Cos if you're in the car, you just lean over a bit...

That's when we're looking at what the lips, teeth, tongue

and jaw are doing, and primarily we're going to be focusing...

Teeth?

Teeth?!

I'm almost certain you're not supposed to use teeth.

Just a little bit, like...

-Sorry.

-It's all right.

Looking at the jaw for this one, so, with RP,

what we're after is a lovely released jaw.

That means there'll be more space in the mouth,

in the oral cavity.

Absolutely, so there's lots more room for those lovely

-RP vowels to bounce around.

-There's lots of room in there.

So, you're going to love this,

because I'd like you to place your hands together...

Brilliant. I want you to adopt a dropped jaw position, which is...

Absolutely. And what I'd like you...

-AUDIENCE LAUGH

-Shut up!

What I'd like you to do is,

we're going to shake our hands forward and backwards very quickly...

I promise there is a purpose to this.

The head should stay beautifully still,

the jaw should be lovely and released.

And we're going to do it on an "ah" sound. Doing it on an "ah" sound.

-So, you can watch me first of all, if you'd like...

-I'd like to.

No problem.

Ahhhhh.

Ready? And...

BOTH: Ahhhhhhh.

-Very well done.

-It's a very small one.

Awww. Look.

That's it for tonight.

Unfortunately, we didn't have time to talk about House,

Hugh Laurie's limp...

Although he wouldn't be if I got me hands on him.

We haven't had time to talk about Murder, She Wrote...

Who came up with that title? Yoda?

-YODA'S VOICE:

-Murder, she wrote.

Ice Road Truckers.

The producers decided to make it grittier, which sort of ruined it.

Question Of Sport.

For me, the question is always, "What's on the other side?"

About The Dog Whisperer.

(He's shagging me leg again.)

Get the broom.

Never mind, he's finished. Get a cloth.

All those shows where they travel back to a time when it was OK

to be sexist and racist -

Life On Mars, Ashes To Ashes,

Top Gear.

Goodnight.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd