Volume 1 The Sarah Millican Television Programme


Volume 1

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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hello and welcome to the Sarah Millican television programme!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Now, I've got a confession. I love Gok Wan.

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I love what he has done for women.

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How early in life did he develop the instinct he has with us, though?

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Did he turn around to the nurse in the delivery room and say,

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"Honey, it should be me slapping your arse for hiding away those curves!"

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A lot of what he does revolves around encouraging women to get their tits out.

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There's a fine line between fashion advice and a football chant.

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LAUGHTER

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You may be surprised to know I've got really broad tastes

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when it comes to TV.

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Sometimes I will be watching telly with my boyfriend and I'll say,

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"Do you fancy watching the adult channel?"

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And his eyes light up and he says,

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-"Yes, I do!"

-LAUGHTER

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-Then I put BBC Four on.

-LAUGHTER

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When fast-forwarding in the advert breaks,

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some people should only be allowed to do times-6.

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Honestly, times-30 is too much for you, pet!

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When you can hit the Doritos logo

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and not end up at the end credits, I might allow you to try times-12!

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Unless it's a football match.

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I'm shit hot. I can do times-30.

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-"Sponsored by..."

-SHE EXHALES

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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I've got a bit of a habit of watching animal clips on the Internet.

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I'm just about to go to bed and I'll go,

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"I'll just have one more clip of cats and then I'll go to bed."

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Then it says, "If you like that one, you might like this one."

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It's a bit like single men watching porn. "Just one more!"

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As happens with porn, the more cat clips I watch,

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the more extreme I need them to be. I've seen it all.

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Cats in boxes, cats in baths, cats reacting to printers.

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-LAUGHTER

-"I need something more!

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"I need something harder!

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-"Oh, two cats cuddling in a sink."

-LAUGHTER

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-"Oh, there it is!"

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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David Attenborough has taught me a lot about animals.

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Female black widow spiders eat their mates after sex.

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Lucky buggers!

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I'm always starving after sex!

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If I've missed my lunch, I could have a threesome!

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LAUGHTER

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-Missed my lunch!

-LAUGHTER

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At 15 inches, the eyes of the giant squid

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are the largest on the planet,

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especially when they've just found out what calamari is.

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"Thought that was onion rings!"

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Sometimes, when I see something like a black guillemot

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or a white gyrfalcon or my favourite bird of all,

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which is a wall creeper, then...

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everything goes moist, really, to be quite honest with you!

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LAUGHTER

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You think that's probably weird but you sometimes...

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I don't think I'm the only one that thinks that's weird!

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But, you know, birds are really good-looking animals.

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You know, I like the look of feathers.

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-I prefer the feel of feathers to fur or hair or skin.

-Skin?

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Skin, yeah. LAUGHTER

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You've sometimes got your favourite T-shirt on

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and you've been listening to The Jesus And Mary Chain in the car

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and you stop and you open the window and it's just THERE!

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HE SIGHS

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Now, you love...

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You love horses.

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But you know what happened to horses when they are not very good?

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-LAUGHTER

-Do you...

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LAUGHTER

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Do you ever use a Pritt Stick and get sad?

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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-SHE HUMS

-Aw!

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-LAUGHTER

-I knew him!

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-I actually might cry!

-Really?

-That is awful!

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-Could you do it to camera?

-LAUGHTER

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Do you have to take the Blue Peter animals home?

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-The dog is mine.

-Is it?

-The dog that's on the show at the minute,

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Barney the dog, he's my dog so he comes home with me.

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I like that you called him Barney The Dog. Is that his surname?

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We have to call him that

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-because the other presenter is called Barney as well.

-Of course!

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But you would think you wouldn't get a person and a dog mixed up often.

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"Have you done the shit on the floor again, Barney?"

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"Which one do you mean?"

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Do people watch your shows to see if you'll get injured or killed?

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LAUGHTER

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Without a doubt.

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The first thing that kids ask is,

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"When was the last time you got bitten?"

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"What is the thing you are most scared of?"

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"What was the thing that nearly killed you the most?"

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It's the thing that fascinates people.

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They desperately want to see me get munched.

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What was the thing that nearly killed...

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LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

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-Not in that way!

-They are...

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I apologise.

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-I apologise.

-This is definitely your crowd, not mine.

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It is my crowd. They see innuendo in every sentence!

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There's a question I've always wanted to ask you.

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-Does Bear Grylls shit in the woods?

-LAUGHTER

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Have you got any creature comforts that you like to take away with you?

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Not really.

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I mean, toilet rolls. The places I go to, you need them.

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-Would that be like a multipack?

-LAUGHTER

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No, the best thing is a flat-pack.

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You know, you can't...

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Have you just got to sit for hours before you go, tearing it all off?

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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"Pass us that other roll!"

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You know, I love the beginning of I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here!

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when they reveal all of the contestants.

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Cos there's always one you thought was dead.

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LAUGHTER

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I'm not sure I could handle it in the jungle.

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I'm not very good at being hungry.

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I would end up just picking off the other contestants.

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They would come back and go, "Where's Frankie Dettori?"

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LAUGHTER

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"Sorry. It's two o'clock and I hadn't had a sandwich!"

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For me, the worst task would be putting a bikini on!

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LAUGHTER

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"I don't want to!"

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"Come on. Get it on.

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"If you don't put it on, you'll have to eat those kangaroo anuses over there."

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"Those? I've been eating those all day!"

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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"I thought they were nibbles!"

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Does anyone in the room eat on their own regularly?

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A few people do. Yeah.

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I used to have a series of office jobs

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and I would rather be alone in the park.

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I'm not paid for my lunch hour

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so I'm not spending it with those bell-ends!

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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It comes to something when you'd rather risk getting flashed at

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than having to talk to Computer John.

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LAUGHTER

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By the way, if there is anybody watching from any of my old jobs, I don't mean you!

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LAUGHTER

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John...

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-..in computers.

-LAUGHTER

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When I was clearing out my kitchen cupboards,

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I found a Christmas pudding from 1988.

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It was fine with a bit of custard on.

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LAUGHTER

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I've only ever made one cake and it was for my ex-husband.

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That's not the reason he's "ex". It's probably one of the reasons.

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He said, "That'll be lovely with a bit of custard on."

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When people offer to put custard on something,

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it's never a compliment, is it?

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Imagine the first night in bed with a new partner

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and he looks at your who-d'ya-me-wotsit and says,

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"That'll be lovely with a bit of custard on."

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LAUGHTER

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"Why's that, then?" "It's a bit dry."

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LAUGHTER

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"And whose fault is that?"

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Another one of my favourite shows is MasterChef.

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They always say a glug of olive oil, don't they? A glug.

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What happened to teaspoons? A glug!

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I'm not sure if I'm doing it right

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but I take a swig and then spit it in the pan.

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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Not always. Sometimes I just swallow!

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LAUGHTER

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I like watching Secret Eaters.

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If you haven't seen it, it goes a little like this.

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A woman says, "I just don't understand!

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"I shouldn't be this fat for the amount that I eat!"

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LAUGHTER

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Then they film her eating six big dinners in a day,

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show it to her and she goes, "Ah!"

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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If you were a bread, what kind would you be?

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Cos I think Mary Berry might be, like, a sourdough.

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-What would you be?

-I would be a baguette!

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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I would be... I think I would be a crusty bloomer.

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A crusty bloomer.

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-Love a crusty bloomer.

-Love the crusty bloomers!

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Get this mess out onto there.

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That's the basic scone mix.

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It's quite a wet mix. Now what I need to do is shape it into a ball.

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Obviously, scone, I prefer it wet than dry.

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LAUGHTER

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If the dough...if it's too dry, it doesn't work.

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-Dry is not good, is it?

-LAUGHTER

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In scone, what we do is chaff.

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-It's a light, gentle fold.

-OK.

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It's a nice...

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MUSIC: "Unchained Melody" by The Righteous Brothers

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# Oh, my love

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# My darling

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# I've hungered for your touch

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# A long lonely time...#

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Thank you very much.

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Let's give a big round of applause to Paul Hollywood!

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-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Thank you.

0:11:420:11:45

But my favourite food programme is not one you would expect.

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It's The One Show, because I can't eat my tea without it.

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LAUGHTER

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I've been on The One Show

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and it's probably the only time when my parents have been truly proud,

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cos it was a show they were already watching.

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-LAUGHTER

-"Mock the what?"

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"8 Out of 10 what?"

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"The Sarah what Television Programme?"

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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It's on at the perfect time

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so that you don't have to listen to how your partner's day was.

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"God! What a day I've had!" "Shut up. I'm trying to listen to

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"Gyles Brandreth on the history of candyfloss!"

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It's the only show where you can get comments on jam

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from Kriss Akabusi and the Dalai Lama.

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It's like a crazy dinner party where only a couple of people

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know one another and have to make small talk.

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"So, Lionel Richie..."

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"..have you ever been to the Barnstaple Lawn Mower Museum?"

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LAUGHTER

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Having presented the show myself,

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it's not natural how close they expect you to sit on the sofa.

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Before I did the show, I'd only got that close to someone

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if I fancied them or was freezing to death.

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They told me, "Pretend you are on your sofa at home."

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I said, "Oh, no. You don't want me to do that!"

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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How do you keep a straight face

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when people send in their rubbish pictures of stuff they have made?

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LAUGHTER

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Because a lot of it is properly shit, isn't it?

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LAUGHTER

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To be honest with you, what you see is the best!

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Why is the show usually half an hour

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but it's a full 60 minutes on a Wednesday?

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Is Wednesday a really heavy news day for pointless shit?

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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-You tell me.

-Brilliant!

-APPLAUSE

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I used to like watching Adrian Chiles in the morning

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but only because he looks slightly worse than I do!

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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I'd be rubbish at breakfast TV.

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BBC NEWS THEME

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..leading to a 70% decline in the bee population worldwide.

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So potential problems in store, there, for us beekeepers, perhaps.

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Sarah, what do you think about bees?

0:14:150:14:18

-I like bees best when they're dying.

-LAUGHTER

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Like in the winter and they want you to stand on them

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cos they are in such pain, but I just leave them.

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"You climbed in my pop. You are on your own, mate."

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-LAUGHTER

-Are you tired? I'm tired.

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-I'm sorry if I smell a bit.

-LAUGHTER

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-Can you smell bacon?

-LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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In a boost to the economy, the latest figures show consumer spending

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rose 1.2% last month. Do you think, then,

0:14:590:15:02

there is a light at the end of the tunnel, Sarah?

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You never look at me any more, do you, Bill?

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LAUGHTER

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I don't know if you know this, but you know nobody is watching

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at this time in the morning, don't you?

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They might have you on, but you'll just be on mute.

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LAUGHTER

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You're just a clock to most people.

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APPLAUSE

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I really like driving,

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but I'm not the biggest fan of car programmes.

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There's Top Gear, Fifth Gear. I can't be arsed with all of that.

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I'm waiting for a show called Automatic.

0:15:420:15:45

LAUGHTER

0:15:450:15:47

They have a feature called Star In A Reasonably Priced Car.

0:15:470:15:51

The best thing is the leaderboard where the celebrities' times

0:15:510:15:54

are ranked, with allowance made for road conditions.

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You get things on the leaderboard like this:

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Steve Coogan, dry.

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LAUGHTER

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Carol Vorderman, slightly damp.

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LAUGHTER

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And Davina McCall, very wet.

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LAUGHTER

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You can get celebrity voices on your sat nav now.

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I've got George Michael on mine.

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"You haven't reached your destination

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"but hurl yourself out of the car anyway."

0:16:220:16:24

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:16:240:16:28

You are a motoring aficionado, a journalist and an all-round expert.

0:16:280:16:33

-So they say.

-What I'd like to know is have you ever had sex in a car?

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LAUGHTER

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Yes.

0:16:410:16:42

CHEERING

0:16:420:16:44

APPLAUSE

0:16:440:16:47

Do you ever fantasise about two ginormous airbags

0:16:470:16:50

going off in your face?

0:16:500:16:51

Occasionally.

0:16:550:16:56

Don't we all, love? Don't we all?

0:16:570:16:59

Now, whose voice do you have on your sat nav?

0:16:590:17:02

Do you have a voice on your sat nav?

0:17:020:17:03

No, I just have a normal disembodied female voice.

0:17:030:17:07

Is that how you like your women?

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LAUGHTER

0:17:080:17:10

APPLAUSE

0:17:100:17:13

I mean, it's all very well doing what they do in a flashy car

0:17:150:17:18

but could they do that in, like, a Nissan Micra, do you think?

0:17:180:17:22

You know, with the family in the back seat.

0:17:220:17:25

-They can drive anything.

-Like a bus?

0:17:250:17:30

Now, that's a really good idea.

0:17:300:17:33

-Let's have a bus-driving championship.

-That would be amazing.

0:17:330:17:36

-You'd be more into that, wouldn't you?

-I would.

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Can I sit above the driver?

0:17:380:17:39

Cos that's the best seat because you can pretend you're driving.

0:17:390:17:42

-When you say above the driver...

-Not like...

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-So he can see, at least, while his driving, not...

-No.

0:17:450:17:48

LAUGHTER

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I don't mean you sit... on the driver's face!

0:17:500:17:53

APPLAUSE

0:17:530:17:57

The thing about driving, it's doing that erratic thing that men do

0:18:020:18:06

when they get excited when they're driving they keep braking and...

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LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH

0:18:090:18:11

That's... That's... That's never happened to me.

0:18:130:18:16

LAUGHTER

0:18:160:18:18

-So that's happened to you. You've seen that, have you?

-I've...

0:18:180:18:23

Heard about that, yeah.

0:18:230:18:25

You dirty bitch!

0:18:260:18:28

LAUGHTER

0:18:280:18:30

APPLAUSE

0:18:300:18:32

People often think

0:18:350:18:36

that you and Phil Spencer are an item, don't they?

0:18:360:18:39

-Yes.

-Have you ever thought, "Fuck it. I'm going to have a go on that?"

0:18:390:18:43

LAUGHTER

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"People are thinking it. I might as well have a go."

0:18:450:18:48

LAUGHTER

0:18:480:18:50

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:18:530:18:57

You're damned if you do, you're damned if you don't.

0:19:010:19:04

I can deny it till I'm blue in the face, it doesn't convince anyone.

0:19:040:19:07

-So you have.

-No...

0:19:070:19:09

LAUGHTER

0:19:090:19:11

Do you think it's rude to carry on a conversation during sex?

0:19:110:19:15

It depends on the conversation. I think we should talk more during sex.

0:19:160:19:19

Is texting all right?

0:19:190:19:21

LAUGHTER

0:19:210:19:24

-Texting, no. But talking, yes.

-Not even if it's on silent?

0:19:240:19:28

I suppose it depends on the position.

0:19:280:19:30

If they can't see, you can probably get away with it.

0:19:300:19:32

If they can't see, you can sometimes have a book on the go.

0:19:320:19:35

What's the best offer Phil has given you?

0:19:360:19:39

LAUGHTER

0:19:390:19:41

LAUGHTER

0:19:460:19:48

This is all of the questions, you do know that? They're all about this.

0:19:480:19:51

-Yeah.

-Have you touched it? That's the next one.

0:19:510:19:53

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:19:530:19:57

I really like that show Jewish Mum Of The Year.

0:19:590:20:02

I think they should do more of these but with different categories.

0:20:020:20:05

My mam would be great in Geordie Mam Of The Year.

0:20:050:20:09

She once made me a terry-towelling boob tube.

0:20:090:20:13

She didn't mind me being sexy as long as I was warm.

0:20:130:20:16

LAUGHTER

0:20:160:20:18

When I was little and I didn't know a word,

0:20:180:20:20

I'd ask my mam, but there was one time I must have asked a rude word

0:20:200:20:24

and she said to us,

0:20:240:20:25

"In the future, when you're asking about a word

0:20:250:20:28

"and you think it might be rude,

0:20:280:20:30

"just say so, so I can brace myself."

0:20:300:20:32

So then I'd go, "Mam, this word might be rude."

0:20:340:20:38

"What's Velcro?"

0:20:390:20:41

LAUGHTER

0:20:410:20:43

APPLAUSE

0:20:430:20:45

"Mam, what's tea-bagging?"

0:20:450:20:47

"Oh, thank God. I thought it was going to be something rude.

0:20:490:20:52

"That's when you steep the tea bag for a long time

0:20:520:20:54

"so that the tea is strong enough

0:20:540:20:56

"to take away the taste of bollocks in your mouth."

0:20:560:20:59

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:20:590:21:01

At school we had a swimming teacher that never went in the pool, ever.

0:21:040:21:08

We all wondered why and then my friend said, "Maybe she's soluble."

0:21:080:21:12

LAUGHTER

0:21:120:21:13

I grew up watching all those American dating movies

0:21:150:21:17

so when I was playing rounders

0:21:170:21:19

and the PE teacher told me to go for third base

0:21:190:21:22

I wanked him off.

0:21:220:21:23

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:21:230:21:26

In netball, it was always the popular girls that were asked

0:21:280:21:32

to pick teams and I was usually picked last.

0:21:320:21:35

There was even a time when one team decided

0:21:350:21:37

they would rather be a man down than have me on their side.

0:21:370:21:40

AUDIENCE: Aw!

0:21:400:21:42

But once, just once, the teacher asked me

0:21:420:21:45

if I'd like to pick a team. Of course I bloody did.

0:21:450:21:49

So I picked every girl in that class who had glasses or an inhaler...

0:21:490:21:54

LAUGHTER

0:21:540:21:57

..a wonky eye, club feet, braces or a sling.

0:21:570:22:02

I built myself a team of mutants.

0:22:040:22:06

LAUGHTER

0:22:060:22:09

Or, as I like to call them, my friends.

0:22:090:22:11

We will trip people up with our crutches

0:22:120:22:15

and we'll see the ball better with our jam-jar glasses.

0:22:150:22:19

We will obscure the opponents' vision with our massive perms.

0:22:190:22:23

Now, if this was a Hollywood film, we would have won. But it wasn't.

0:22:250:22:29

It was a comprehensive school in South Shields. We got slaughtered.

0:22:290:22:34

For most of those girls, it was the first time

0:22:340:22:37

they'd held a netball when not putting it in a cupboard.

0:22:370:22:40

Well, this is quite some story

0:22:410:22:43

at the Olympics of 2012.

0:22:430:22:45

This girl has come from nowhere.

0:22:450:22:47

She has limited athletic ability

0:22:490:22:51

and absolutely no certificates

0:22:510:22:53

apart from something proving that she can swim 10m.

0:22:530:22:56

AUDIENCE JOIN APPLAUSE

0:22:560:22:58

Sarah Millican will now attempt the forward roll.

0:22:580:23:02

We're looking for a clean entry, a clean exit,

0:23:030:23:07

rhythm and balance in between.

0:23:070:23:09

And she goes into the forward roll!

0:23:090:23:11

Oh, and she struggles a bit to get up.

0:23:110:23:14

A lovely present to finish.

0:23:140:23:16

The audience here in London go mad.

0:23:170:23:20

What a sensational performance from Sarah Millican.

0:23:200:23:24

Water-boarding.

0:23:240:23:27

Is it more fun than skiing? And...

0:23:270:23:29

LAUGHTER

0:23:290:23:31

Cos I think it's my least favourite of the water sports.

0:23:320:23:36

-Which is your favourite?

-Of all the water sports?

-Yeah.

0:23:360:23:39

Bath.

0:23:390:23:40

LAUGHTER

0:23:400:23:42

APPLAUSE

0:23:420:23:44

Sarah, what's happening in your game?

0:23:470:23:49

Well, there are lots of men in coloured shirts

0:23:490:23:53

but I'm not sure who are the goodies and who are the baddies.

0:23:530:23:58

It looks like only one of the players remembered to bring a ball

0:23:580:24:01

and now everyone's chasing around trying to get it.

0:24:010:24:05

The crowd seemed to be asking if someone takes it up the a...

0:24:050:24:08

Arsenal have scored at the Emirates.

0:24:080:24:10

We'll keep an eye on that one, that's for sure.

0:24:100:24:14

Because we've got to teams who badly need a win

0:24:140:24:16

if they're going to qualify for the Champions League next season. So...

0:24:160:24:19

-Oh! Oh! Oh!

-Well, it sounds like there have been developments already.

0:24:190:24:23

-Sarah.

-Oh, Rachel has just said she still loves Ross.

0:24:230:24:27

Oh, I love Ross.

0:24:270:24:30

That's...Ross County

0:24:300:24:32

and Rachel...

0:24:320:24:34

Town.

0:24:340:24:36

I'm not surprised, Sarah. The form Ross County are in.

0:24:360:24:39

Three consecutive away wins on a Wednesday and no yellow cards.

0:24:390:24:42

-That's the first time that's happened since February 1994.

-Oh, my God!

0:24:420:24:46

-What ARE you watching now, Sarah?

-I'm being good, Jeff.

0:24:460:24:50

-I'm watching Chelsea.

-And how are they doing?

-Not so good.

0:24:500:24:54

Ollie's cut his hair off and one of the girls is worried

0:24:540:24:56

she might have chlamydia.

0:24:560:24:58

LAUGHTER

0:24:580:24:59

My favourite reality show is Made In Chelsea,

0:24:590:25:02

as that's the one that's closest to my lifestyle.

0:25:020:25:05

A non-stop round of partying, modelling and fashion blogging.

0:25:070:25:11

"Sniffed me leggings, can get another day out of them."

0:25:110:25:13

Now, are you going to teach me how to talk all dead posh

0:25:160:25:18

-and that, like Gabriella?

-I am going to do my best.

-Yeah?

-Yes.

0:25:180:25:21

What are we going to do? How the hell are we going to do that?

0:25:210:25:24

First of all, I'd like you to stand up for me, because I think what

0:25:240:25:27

-we'll do first of all is a bit of centring and rooting work.

-Oh!

0:25:270:25:30

SHE GIGGLES

0:25:300:25:32

This is going to help to give you confidence

0:25:320:25:34

when you're doing the audition...

0:25:340:25:36

I do feel confident when I've had a good run.

0:25:360:25:38

Perfect.

0:25:390:25:40

So, what I'd like you to do is to stand with your feet

0:25:400:25:43

hip-width apart and place your...

0:25:430:25:44

Hip-width?

0:25:440:25:46

And place your hands on your belly for me.

0:25:480:25:51

Oh, which belly?

0:25:510:25:53

Do you want the one in the knickers or the one

0:25:530:25:55

that's just slightly over the top?

0:25:550:25:56

You're doing very well.

0:25:560:25:58

Next thing we're going to work on now is something that's called

0:25:580:26:00

oral posture.

0:26:000:26:02

Oh, that's down on me knees?

0:26:020:26:03

Oral posture...

0:26:130:26:15

Cos if you're in the car, you just lean over a bit...

0:26:150:26:18

That's when we're looking at what the lips, teeth, tongue

0:26:180:26:21

and jaw are doing, and primarily we're going to be focusing...

0:26:210:26:23

Teeth?

0:26:230:26:25

Teeth?!

0:26:250:26:27

I'm almost certain you're not supposed to use teeth.

0:26:270:26:30

Just a little bit, like...

0:26:300:26:31

-Sorry.

-It's all right.

0:26:330:26:35

Looking at the jaw for this one, so, with RP,

0:26:350:26:37

what we're after is a lovely released jaw.

0:26:370:26:40

That means there'll be more space in the mouth,

0:26:400:26:43

in the oral cavity.

0:26:430:26:44

Absolutely, so there's lots more room for those lovely

0:26:460:26:48

-RP vowels to bounce around.

-There's lots of room in there.

0:26:480:26:52

So, you're going to love this,

0:26:530:26:54

because I'd like you to place your hands together...

0:26:540:26:56

Brilliant. I want you to adopt a dropped jaw position, which is...

0:26:560:27:01

Absolutely. And what I'd like you...

0:27:010:27:03

-AUDIENCE LAUGH

-Shut up!

0:27:030:27:05

What I'd like you to do is,

0:27:050:27:06

we're going to shake our hands forward and backwards very quickly...

0:27:060:27:09

I promise there is a purpose to this.

0:27:170:27:19

The head should stay beautifully still,

0:27:210:27:23

the jaw should be lovely and released.

0:27:230:27:25

And we're going to do it on an "ah" sound. Doing it on an "ah" sound.

0:27:250:27:29

-So, you can watch me first of all, if you'd like...

-I'd like to.

0:27:290:27:32

No problem.

0:27:320:27:33

Ahhhhh.

0:27:330:27:35

Ready? And...

0:27:440:27:46

BOTH: Ahhhhhhh.

0:27:460:27:48

-Very well done.

-It's a very small one.

0:27:500:27:53

Awww. Look.

0:27:530:27:55

That's it for tonight.

0:27:580:28:00

Unfortunately, we didn't have time to talk about House,

0:28:000:28:02

Hugh Laurie's limp...

0:28:020:28:04

Although he wouldn't be if I got me hands on him.

0:28:040:28:06

We haven't had time to talk about Murder, She Wrote...

0:28:080:28:10

Who came up with that title? Yoda?

0:28:100:28:13

-YODA'S VOICE:

-Murder, she wrote.

0:28:180:28:20

Ice Road Truckers.

0:28:230:28:24

The producers decided to make it grittier, which sort of ruined it.

0:28:240:28:28

Question Of Sport.

0:28:290:28:31

For me, the question is always, "What's on the other side?"

0:28:310:28:35

About The Dog Whisperer.

0:28:350:28:36

(He's shagging me leg again.)

0:28:380:28:39

Get the broom.

0:28:400:28:42

Never mind, he's finished. Get a cloth.

0:28:420:28:45

All those shows where they travel back to a time when it was OK

0:28:470:28:50

to be sexist and racist -

0:28:500:28:52

Life On Mars, Ashes To Ashes,

0:28:520:28:54

Top Gear.

0:28:540:28:56

Goodnight.

0:28:560:28:57

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