Volume 2 The Sarah Millican Television Programme

This programme contains some strong language.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, and welcome to the Sarah Millican Television Programme.

CHEERING

Now, I don't know about you, but I love watching telly with Twitter on,

as it's like watching telly with your friends,

but you don't have to Hoover or buy crisps.

Drugs Live was a weird show, where people took drugs on TV

and we watched the effects they had on them.

I don't do drugs and I don't really drink,

so sometimes if I want to mix things up,

I'll put my clocks back an hour and then watch UK Gold +1.

I tell you, it properly fucks you up!

Is it now? Is it then?

Cash In The Attic deserved some spin-offs, didn't it?

Tom Selleck as the new lodger...

'Tache In The Attic.

Do you want to see our new toilet?

Slash In The Attic.

I've been having rough sex with the new lodger.

Rash In The Attic.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, let's talk about medical shows.

I love One Born Every Minute,

the documentary set in a maternity ward.

Thankfully, there isn't one born every minute in the show.

I don't know if I could watch 60 pixellated noonies one after the other.

Mine doesn't look like that. Hers is all squared off.

My pain threshold is very low.

At my second ever smear test - oh, yes, we're going there...

..I was pretty tense.

The first one, you don't really know what's going to happen.

Then the second one, you know exactly what's going to happen.

When the nurse had finished, she saw how tense I still was and said,

"You'll have to relax, love,

"cos if you don't, you're going to be taking it home."

One Born Every Minute is a very female-heavy programme, understandably.

But they could encourage more men to watch by having an honest male voiceover.

Something like... "Tracey is making a fuss."

"Tracey is crying...again."

"Tracey should remember whose idea this was in the first place."

My favourite medical show, and I know it's yours too,

is Embarrassing Bodies.

And it's such a helpful show, because a lot of people are nervous about going to the doctor.

A male friend of mine won't go to the doctor

in case he's asked how much he masturbates.

"And how often do you masturbate?"

"Um...

"How often is normal?"

"How often do you think is normal?"

"21 units a week?"

"That's drinking."

"Five times a day?"

"That's fruit."

How often do you masturbate?

Um...

About 21 units?

Good answer.

I love Embarrassing Bodies Live From The Clinic,

where people Skype in with their ailments.

It's like Chat Roulette with cocks.

So it's like Chat Roulette.

I love on the live shows when one of the doctors

is talking to a patient via Skype and says,

"OK, Brian, can we take a look?"

And the bloke stands up, turns round and bends over.

"OK, Brian. Thanks."

"Brian!"

"Brian?"

"Brian, we've seen it, love."

"Sit down again, Brian."

"Brian."

"No, don't part them!"

What happens if you want to be on but you haven't got a laptop?

Are people going to the library to do it?

In the background, there's a woman just putting books away.

Now, you know this. How do you get blood out of your clothes?

Is it the same as red wine - do you have to splash on a white bodily fluid?

A couple of people going, "I've tried that - it doesn't work."

"You just end up with a helluva mess on your carpet."

Have you ever said to a patient,

"What the fuck is that?!"

Have you ever seen something that made you jump onto a chair?

I didn't quite jump on the chair, but sometimes smells are the things that really get you.

AUDIENCE GROANS

You've been almost everywhere around the world, haven't you?

Can you show me on this globe...

where you've had the shits?

You can see, because it's not been cleaned off...

And you thought that was the Sahara Desert!

Does eating crusts make your hair curly?

My mum said so, but no - not true.

-So all of our mams are liars?

-All of them!

Is it true that you feed a cold and feed a fever?

No, that's nonsense.

Doesn't make any difference. Just eat healthily is the message.

-Oh, really?

-Yeah.

Cos I just eat loads whatever.

-So eat healthily?

-Eat healthily.

Can I eat loads of healthy things like...

you know, biscuits with raisins in?

-It's one of your five a day. It's fine by me.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-Shut up!

-It is!

Garibaldis are one of your five a day?!

A handful of raisins is one,

so enough Garibaldis...

Garibaldis is one of your five a day?!

I'm sure I'll now get a complaint letter for saying that.

Not from me, you won't.

In case you haven't guessed, I'm not really a medical expert.

I have dressed up as a nurse a couple of times.

I wore 70 denier tights and washed his arse with a cloth.

I could never see what men find so sexy about it.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Nurse, a patient's complaining of pain in the lower legs.

Oh, I'm going in for CPR.

# Nellie the elephant packed her trunk

# And said goodbye to the circus... #

Join in if you know it.

# Off she went with a trumpety-trump Trump, trump, trump! #

LONG BEEP

-Oh!

-We're losing him.

Right, give me the diff...diff...

The jump-starty thing.

DEFIBRILLATOR WHINES

Clear!

BEEPS

No...

Work with us, flower.

Have you not seen the telly ever?

When I do the doof, you do the jump at the same time. Is that all right?

We'll get you in order. It'll be champion, love.

OK, right. OK.

Clear!

Clear!

BEEPS

Thank you!

DEFIBRILLATOR WHINES

THUD!

Excuse me! Where do you think you're going with that?

This is bloody brilliant - I'm taking it home!

Now, I tell you what I like on telly.

Maybe it's because I'm round a lot during the day,

but I love quiz shows.

Although I'm not very good at them!

I used to hate Countdown because it made me feel thick.

I like it now.

I'm much better at it now.

Ever since you can pause the telly.

Games you play at home are often turned into telly - like Charades

became Give Us A Clue.

But there is one game that's not on the telly, but should be.

The Great Big Family Row.

What are they playing for? A share of Nana's house.

Now, you've been a well-known face of television for over 30 years, fronted numerous hit programmes.

So what I really want to know from you is...

how do you get your beard looking so neat?

Is it a spray-on?

How do you keep it so tidy - do you get a woman in?

Yes, you do!

I don't shave or wax!

This is brilliant!

Your beard is very tidy. How often do you trim it?

Cos that reminds me, I must get a strimmer for me bikini line.

NOEL GIGGLES

Do you do it every day?

Because I do mine about once a week.

First thing in the morning...

Just before I have to start tucking it in me socks.

I do.

So, Richard, I read somewhere

that you'd filled Anne Robinson's old slot.

CHEERING

I'll be honest - it took me and Xander both to do that.

Did any rude words appear while you were host?

It wasn't just the contestants.

Sometimes you had people in Dictionary Corner as well

who were mischievous.

Gino D'Acampo.

The celebrity chef. He is a naughty man.

So I crossed to him and I said,

"OK, Gino, what have you got in Dictionary Corner?"

He said, "Jeff, I've got a six."

I said, "What's your six, then?"

He said, "minger".

I said, "Gino, you cannot have minger."

He said, "OK, Jeff, I've got a five."

LAUGHTER

What's the stupidest answer anyone's ever given?

We had one the other day. We had words ending "ZZ".

And on the first podium, the contestant was a student.

And he just immediately went,

"Jizz".

That's brilliant!

And was it pointless?

It was pointless. In the dictionary, it doesn't mean what you might imagine it means.

It means what an animal looks like

when you catch it out of the corner of your eye -

the jizz of an animal.

The jizz of an animal in my head is something quite different.

And all of theirs!

Yes, but you understand, a rabbit's jizz is very different to...

LAUGHTER

Come on!

A rabbit's jizz is very different to a cat's jizz, for example.

This is the longest conversation I've had about jizz ever,

and I'm loving it!

Sarah, everybody here knows that's not true.

How long did it take you to get annoyed with people in shops saying

"Deal!" at you all the time?

I never get annoyed, because I had ten years of bloody Blobby!

Breath of fresh air when people start talking about "Deal"

when you've been followed around by a pink and yellow moron.

That's still Blobby, right? It's not your wife, is it?

Yellow card!

Question two.

We asked 100 people to name a good place to touch a lady.

Oh, dear!

Is this a good question for you?

Is this a category you were hoping would come up?

It is a good category for me, except you've only asked yourself.

So now I have to try and get inside you, if you like.

Because I can see it, let's say the nape of your neck.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

No, Richard, the vagina,

because everywhere else is pointless!

Of course, of course.

I've been wearing glasses since I was six, so for 30 years.

At my last check-up, the optician said my eyesight is improving.

You think I'd be thrilled, but I was gutted.

There's a reason your eyesight is supposed to get worse as you get older.

It's so you can't see the full deterioration of your face.

You know when you see an old lady with a full 'tache

and you think she's just given up?

She's hasn't. She's blind as a bat.

She's looked in the mirror that morning and gone, "Champion!"

Deirdre Barlow has been in Coronation Street so long

her glasses have come back into fashion twice.

No, they really haven't.

These are what I wore when I was 16.

I don't do many impressions, but that one's pretty good, isn't it?

I've had a few bad experiences in fitting rooms.

I once had to get cut out of a dress in Monsoon.

That's never a good day.

The woman said, "Stop crying. I'm going to get some scissors."

Whenever I hear on the news, "Monsoon kills seven..."

I took some clothes into a fitting room in Marks & Spencer a few months ago,

and the woman took me to the cubicle and she gave me the tag

and she said,

"Just give me a shout if you need any bigger sizes".

So I swished the curtain back really fast and said,

"I think you'll find you mean 'different', you bitch!"

You've played a right posho and a homeless bloke.

Which of these looks are you going for tonight?

Now, you're in quite good condition, aren't you?

I beg your pardon?

You're in quite good condition, and I think if we cleaned you up a bit and scraped you down,

then you'd be quite collectable.

Well, there's a degree of restoration that could be done, that's true.

Do you still have your original drawers?

They're all impeccably lined, I can promise you.

Isn't he good?!

How often do you polish your tallboy?

Now, how would you tend to my lady garden?

Describe it to me. Is it unruly or is it beautifully manicured?

It's, um...

It needs a bit of work.

Um...

and it might be a two-man job.

-You were also in Notting Hill.

-Yes.

What was Julia Roberts like?

-She always seems lovely. Is she lovely?

-She's really lovely.

She's good fun. I was certainly terrified of meeting her, this great iconic film star,

but, you know, you just remember that they wear pants - some bigger than others - whatever.

I didn't mean...!

I didn't mean...

Now, is it true you only ate potatoes

so that you could get a six-pack?

That was a diet that you did - is that true?

-Sweet potatoes.

-Oh!

Shit.

Did you try it?

Just chips every day.

To be honest, it wasn't much of a change from what I was doing before.

Has your wife ever imposed a hosepipe ban?

-You appeared in a TV movie called Once Upon A Mattress.

-I did.

Was it a porno?

Was the full title Once Upon A Mattress And Twice Against A Wall?

My darling creature!

Tell me...tell me you'll let me know again those embracing arms,

those tumbling tresses.

Tell me, Sarah, you will!

Go on, now! Go!

Walk out the door!

Turn around now,

because you're not welcome any more.

My darling, this is so unlike you!

You bastard!

Reality Shows like Strictly and X Factor

are always described as "emotional rollercoasters".

I always thought an emotional rollercoaster

was when you found you couldn't fit in one of the seats.

Oh, no, you go on.

I'll hold your bag.

For me, the X Factor is more like the log flume,

because thanks to Gary Barlow, I always end up a little bit wet.

If a Spice Girl turned up to an audition now,

who would you put through and who would you send home if you were on the other side of...?

How mean is that?!

I totally went there. Shut your face!

With the girls, we all would admit we all had different strengths

and we just tried to play to that.

And there was some great singers in the band.

Everyone can sing, but some were stronger than others

and some were better dancers than others

and, you know, a band needs all of that.

With the Spice Girls, what made us so successful was our chemistry

and our energy.

Would have been better if you'd picked one, but it's fine.

We'll add that in later on.

Just ask me a question and take one of the names

and then add it in!

It's all edited. It's fine.

Now, one of my favourite shows of yours is Don't Forget The Lyrics.

You do a lot of singing in that.

Thank you.

-You've done a lot of singing in your whole life. Have you ever forgotten the lyrics?

-Yeah.

The one that springs to mind...

I spent a long time in a musical, Grease, in the West End

and also in Manchester, back in the '90s,

and I'd done the show so many times - two shows a day for three and a half years.

And the big song in the show is Sandy.

And I remember sitting in front of 3,000 people

and the band started playing, and it was going...

# Stranded at the drive-in

# Branded a fool

# What will they say

# Monday at school? #

And all I could think of was,

"What the fuck is this girl's name?"

I had to sing...

# Uh-hum-hum...

# Can't you see?

# I'm in misery... #

Now, you helped to find Jesus for Jesus Christ Superstar

with Andrew Lloyd Webber. On a scale of 1 to 10,

how creepy is he in person?

I have to say about Andrew,

I think he's probably the most misunderstood person in the public eye.

But he's a genius.

I need to press you for a number.

Zero. He's not creepy - he's lovely.

Well, later on, we'll get you to say loads of numbers...

and then we'll just cut one in.

Geri Halliwell. Seven.

CHEERING

I love that you've just accidentally told us which one you'd have sent home!

It wasn't really Geri!

Dance shows are popular at the moment. There's So You Think You Can Dance, Got To Dance...

And if it's a family party, you'd better bloody dance.

I'm not looking like a tit on me own.

The dancing show I'd like to see is Dances With Wolves.

Admiring a celebrity dancing whilst crying.

SHE HOWLS

I'm going to pitch that.

Judging is what we all do on a Saturday night anyway if we go out.

"Look at that dress!"

"Those jeans on those thighs..."

"If that skirt was any shorter, you'd see wisps."

These shows are about making staying in the same as going out.

There's singing, there's tears,

there's dancing and flirting.

All you need is to get fingered in a car park and job done.

Who was the worst dancer you've ever had?

Er...I think that was Quentin Willson.

And what about on the show?

Who was worse between John Sergeant and Ann Widdecombe?

Ann Widdecombe. Although she did manage to polish the floor.

On Strictly, the last dance should be a slowie, shouldn't it?

The old erection section.

The erection section. The rumba is my favourite.

-Is that the erection one?

-Yeah, because it's all about sex.

It's basically like having sex.

That's not how I do it.

So what do you do? You don't rub against somebody else?

Just lie there for a bit.

Waiting for it to happen!

Yeah, and then just put me nightie down.

Right, who's next?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What's your name, love?

Sarah.

It's been quite a journey for you, hasn't it?

Yeah, it has. Two buses and then it was a walk.

Sarah, do you think you can win this?

I wouldn't have thought so, but you're the bloody judge.

In your own time, pet.

MUSIC: "Apache" by The Shadows

That was the worst sexy geranium I have ever seen!

-Dreadful!

-Oh! Enough is enough.

I'm sorry, but it's a no from us.

You know nothing!

I'm going to be HUGE!

I'm going to have a No 1 record!

Of...shadows...

So a rabbit to you and a rabbit to you!

-Actually, not you. You look lovely today.

-Aww, thank you!

That's so nice!

Actually...

AUDIENCE BOOS

That's it for tonight. Unfortunately, we didn't have time to talk about Bondi Vet.

It sounds glamorous, but if you've got your finger up a dog's arse,

it doesn't matter if you're wearing shorts or not.

The Kardashians - look what a sex tape can do for your career.

I made a sex tape once,

but it was just audio.

It was just me on me own, eating a peach.

Unfortunately, we didn't have time to talk about the Christmas cooking shows,

like Jamie's Festive 15-Minute Meals,

followed by Jamie's 60-Minute Boxing Day Dump.

We haven't had time to talk about rugby, football or cricket.

Good!

Or snooker. It's extremely boring.

Though it does liven up slightly

when there's a gentle kiss on the pink.

Good night!

# Walkin' about with a head full of music

# Cassette in my pocket and I'm gonna use it

# Stereo

# Out on the streets, you know

# Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh Whoa whoa whoa

# Into the car, go to work And I'm cruisin'

# I never think that I'll blow all my fuses

# Traffic flows

# Into the breakfast show

# Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh Whoa whoa whoa

# Whoa whoa whoa

# Power from the needle to the plastic

# AM, FM

# I feel so ecstatic

# Now

# It's music I've found

# And I'm wired for sound

# I'm a small boy

# Who don't like his toys

# I could not wait to get

# Wired for sound. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd