Episode 3 The Thick of It

This programme contains strong language.

I'm finding Mr Tickel's tent-based twattery even more annoying.

Peter Mannion has been picking on a man with a history of depression.

-..I call app Britain.

-App.

-I call app Britain.

-I call app Britain.

Silicone playgrounds are, is, go.

I just hope Mannion can keep his baccy stained fingers out of it.

I call you up, app...

I couldn't have looked more of a twat unless I'd announced it dressed as a mermaid with scallops on my tits!

I was picked up at 7. Of course I haven't walked the dog.

I barely had time to take myself for a shit.

Phil, I'm sure you have Peter withdrawal symptoms

but I need you to keep an eye on the Tickel issue.

Thought camp ETA 13 minutes, OK? You're taking the bridge, Kieran.

You can start by not referring to him as gypo or gypsy, Phil.

It's not the abbreviation that's the problem.

If he has a thorn in his paw it must be from when you took him for a walk yesterday.

What do you mean, you're in charge? You are not in fucking charge.

You've got to keep me informed.

I want the full crunch on all the feeds as usual, everything below the equator.

Take him to the dog hospital.

No, I'm not being sarcastic. There is one.

-The number will be in the folder.

-Try and keep an eye on things, right?

-Bile...

-Mm, what?

Where are you taking us, Stewart? This mind Kampf is in the middle of nowhere.

Thought camp, Peter, and isolation is the mother of renewal. We shall retreat to go forward.

Terrible signal. Phil sounded like he was phoning in a report on an African coup.

-Why's he even gone in today?

-I put him on Tickel oversight.

-Oh, the eviction.

Well, cutting the guy ropes on his tent is hardly the siege of Troy.

Bailiffs thought it would be easier today, quicker or quieter.

I want Phil sealed off, right? He makes no statement today, not even off the record.

-He wanted to feel useful.

-Then he should sell his organs.

-Glenn.

-What?

-What the fuck are you doing here?

Oh, God, you're not living here, are you?

Oh, no. I've just go some stuff I've got to catch up on.

Plus one of my neighbours is having a rooftop barbecue

and I didn't fancy being bombarded with chicken bones and Radio 1.

Anyway, why aren't you on Stewart's away day?

Drinking herbal tea and playing leapfrog? I told Stewart where to get off.

Yeah, well, we've got the whole palace to ourselves, eh? Rosencratz and Guildenstern.

But very much alive. Well, one of us.

-I'll put the kettle on.

-Sure.

Easy on the milk, Shaky Hands.

OK, people, abandon phones all ye who enter here.

And watches, too. Time is a leash on the dog of ideas

This is like some weird inverted Dodge City.

Presumably we're allowed to keep our six shooters. I might want to blow my brains out.

Stewart, my son's coming back from a school trip

and I'm gonna need to find out what time the coaches are arriving.

Sorry, Mary, same rules for everyone.

Reception will take a message, yeah,

but I mean we all have children, yeah? I don't literally but...

OK, lovely people. Let's go truffling in the forest of knowledge.

Come on, quick. Quick. Fuck, fuck, it's hot.

Jesus Christ. What's happened?

Is this the start of some zombie apocalypse?

What are you guys doing in?

Well, work comes first with me, Adam. You know that.

Protestant ethic. Not that I'm at all anti-Catholic.

-You're in for...?

-A meeting with Fergus.

Heads up. Lady and the Tramp are in, too.

-Yeah, I know. Cheers.

-Just make sure you copy me in on any minutes.

-OK.

How about you copy that, yeah?

Cos it's party business. It's not ministerial.

The meeting is in the department.

While Peter is absent, I'm his surrogate - the king's hand.

Yeah. Finish him off with that hand as well, do you?

Prick.

I may... I may be needed. I've been needed in the past.

OK, people. I'd like to start this session with a question.

When is a party not a party?

-When it's at your house?

-Peter!

A party is not a party when it is plural.

There she is, the party, singular.

She thinks like you, she votes like you, she is not you

and yet of course she is you.

HE SIGHS I feel like I've joined the Scientologists.

Some of these people want a federal Britain, others don't,

and as long as we continue to do nothing we can call that consensus.

Why am I the only senior minister here? Is JB punishing me?

Look, Mary Drake's here, Home Office.

And yes, JB is punishing you.

OK, let's, let's MacIntyre this. Stand up.

-MacIntyre?

-In fact, chairs to the side, please.

Great, vague prancing about.

Isn't that one of the fundamental principles of democracy?

-Oh, I'm sorry, Peter, do you want to share your thoughts?

-Hmm?

No, we just hoped we were going to do some dancing, er, Stewart.

What, Merce Cunningham, something like that?

-OK, maybe later you can share it with us.

-Fabulous.

But first, let me share something with you.

Silicone Playgrounds, yeah?

What caused this slow motion pile up? Shall we sit down and chew over hash tag epic fail

or shall we try and get some solutions on their feet?

That's it just put it at the side, Peter.

I was hoping to catch the snooker after I've finished collating those healthy workplace stats.

Just down there. Glenn, you're a marvel.

You're like a modern day Jeeves. Only not modern... day.

You're like Jeeves but only not as good.

This meeting, is it something I should be in on?

Well, it's not really a meeting, it's more sort of faces with lips making noise.

Uh-huh. Sounds like a meeting.

Yeah, well you know, Fergus just called someone in

-for a... for an exploratory chat.

-Right.

Stop Slytherin getting wind of it.

Oh, hang on. I've got to go.

You need to get back to your telly? It takes a while to warm up, doesn't it?

Here we are at the coal face.

Ah, Adam, this is Tara Strachan.

-Hello, lovely to meet you.

-Hi there.

-Really lovely, lovely.

-Shall we...?

-Just...

-Thank you.

-She's an economist and a lady.

-Yes, obviously. Lovely.

-Ahem. What's going on? Who's the skirt?

I'd love to bring you up to speed, Phil, I really would,

but I'm not going to live long enough.

So tell you what? Why don't you go and help Glenn watch his telly?

I think the dancing's on in a minute.

-I really like your coat, by the way.

-Thank you.

-It's like a leopard.

-It is a little bit.

-Or a cheetah.

-Am I supply-side economics?

-No.

-Oh, bugger.

OK, Mary, you've got to help Peter work out what political concept he is. You have one guess left.

Keep the energy up, guys. Chins up, yeah.

-Am I a solid, sensible concept?

-No.

-The beauty of this model...

-Yeah.

-..is that micro banking can happen anywhere, OK?

-Great.

-Small, low interest loans, that's the way forward.

This is terrific, I mean, it's so fucking us it's brilliant.

Adam! Adam!

Oh, don't worry, I don't mind swearing. Shows passion.

I've done some community enterprise case studies.

Sisters who want to set up a pop-up bakers in a disused travel agents.

The boiler guy who wants to take on an apprentice.

Yeah. The helping hand for hands-on people.

-Yeah.

-I like that, that's great, that's really good.

Making sure the can-doers don't get canned.

Terrific, yeah, really good.

Would I be comfortable or uncomfortable...?

Yes or no questions only, please, Peter.

Would I be uncomfortable talking to Andrew Marr about this concept on the television?

Yes.

-Am I diversity?

-No.

You're out of questions, Peter.

Oh, for fuck's sake. Inclusivity's practically the same as diversity.

-No, it's not.

-No, it isn't, Peter.

I could be at home watching the snooker with a bottle of unpronounceable scotch.

Can I sit down now?

I'm sitting down, I don't care.

Actually we can all sit down now. Thanks, Peter.

So take a chair because Emma's going to co-steer module 4 with me.

We're gonna do a kind of Top Trumps stats check on the PM's future enemies, yeah?

Strengths, weaknesses, blocking moves and take downs.

-Em.

-Great, thank you, Stewart.

You've turned into the wrong Mitford sister.

Basically, we'd set up a network of micro-credit lenders at neighbourhood level.

This is great. So what would it be called? Like the Citizens' Bank or...?

-The People's Bank.

-Erm, community...

-The credit fund.

-No, no, credit's a bad word.

-Negative.

-Something with advance.

-The We Bank.

-The We Bank?

-I like that.

Although it does sound a bit like a sperm bank but for wee.

Bit of a farce going on here with your Mr Tickle.

They've turned up to evict him and he's not there.

Good, self-evicted. Gone. Problem solved.

Anyway, what's going on with Fergus and Adam and the sexy stranger?

She's an economist, apparently.

Oh, don't be ridiculous, she's far too attractive.

You can get sexy economists. What about Stephanie Flanders?

Yeah, that's true. I quite like Emily Maitlis.

Really? Oh, I'm sure she'd love a grey pounding.

-Do you want to have an idea-gasm?

-Yes, please.

-Ask me how we'd initially fund this?

-How would we initially fund this?

-How would we initially fund this?

A one-off Robin Hood tax.

Steal from the fat cats,

raise enough seed capital for hundreds of start-up funds for fledgling businesses.

You know what? This could work really well for us.

This... This is... Yeah.

-Yeah?

-I mean, let's just talk figures.

-What sort of start-up capital are we talking here?

-Erm...

Not very much. I think we're looking at about 2 billion.

-2 billion.

-2 billion.

Good. I erm... Well, obviously, I'd have to ring the Treasury.

-Sure.

-And twist a few arms. You know, it'll take a couple of weeks to work out

but we are extremely keen to set that process in motion.

Nicola Murray. We're assuming she's on her way out.

That's a given. She's a political accident nobody can quite remember how it happened.

Contender one - Ben Swain.

Now, ABC1's over-thirties consider him shifty and unfocused.

Can't think why that is.

-Geoff Holhurst.

-Tiny head.

-Yeah, an Achilles head.

Ah, Dan Miller, definitely our anti-fave.

Charming, charismatic, clever, dedicated and phwoar, God, he's hot.

Yes, thanks, Em.

-OK, let's architecturalise this, yeah?

-Oh, don't bother.

If it's Ben Swain, we all shout "sweaty Swain" as he dehydrates himself through PMQs.

Holhurst looks like a shepherd dressed up to meet the Queen

and if it's Dan Miller we're fucked.

I should tell you I do also have a meeting with Dan Miller booked in.

-What?

-I would just knock that right on the head, don't do it.

Well, he's in opposition, we rule.

We're the rulers, we're the governors.

-And in the end, this is so fucking us.

-Fuck, yeah.

-Yeah.

Here, Tara Strachan, LSE, Harvard,

author of Strapped: Why We're In Debt To Each Other,

Small Is Bountiful, expert in micro financing

and community credit guilds.

-God, that sounds dreary.

-Bloody hell, that's all 4th sector stuff.

I mean, why have they kept me out here like a stray dog?

And why are they keeping Mannion out of it?

This is government business.

Right, that's enough, stop, stop, stop. I demand an explanation.

Sorry, Phil, we're busy.

Maybe come back in, I don't know, 2017?

As Peter's representative, it's as though you lied to him. That's probably illegal.

If you want to see something probably illegal, pass me that fucking stapler over there.

Er, listen is there a problem with me being here?

You're not supposed to be here.

The minister is unaware that you're here, so you have to leave.

So she's a security risk? Oh, no - I'd forgotten. You're not allowed within 50 feet of a woman.

How d'you explain this, then? I'm within 50 feet of you. You're a woman.

-Oh, brilliant. That is really good.

-Fuck! Tickle's dead!

-Oh, shit.

-Jesus.

Oh, God, he's killed himself. Suicide.

He used a car exhaust.

Hey, classic. The Bohemian Rhapsody of suicides.

-Oh, Phil, for fuck's sake.

-I'm sorry, I just, you know...

I mean it's, it's... It's good, in a way.

He was drawing attention to an issue

and now he's not drawing attention to it because...

Can you just turn it down, all right, because we have somebody in?

I'm gonna ring Terri.

-God, I was just ringing you.

-I got a heads-up from Reuters

whilst I was planting the dwarf irises.

This is gonna take a lot of managing.

-Who's that?

-No-one.

-Ah, Minister, sorry.

-Yes, I'm halfway through a draft. Any minute.

-Thank you, Terri.

Is this the homeless nurse? That's awful.

Er, yes, this is Mr Tickel, it's a tragedy.

Homeless out of choice, right, Fergus?

Er, now is really not the time to...

This is a tragedy and it's complicated.

Not complicated enough for you to voice any public opposition.

Do you think we could not wash our dirty linen in public?

I'm not the one who shat the bed.

-Tara, could you give us two minutes?

-Yeah.

This situation calls for a black coffee and my Bluetooth headset.

Do not touch that phone, Glenn. That is a comms phone.

-Erm...

-No filters, Emma. First thoughts. We're policy jamming here.

OK, erm, 24/7 parliament.

Oh, sorry, a little bit of mental housekeeping.

There is only positivity in the circle.

When someone makes a suggestion, we say, "yes and".

Yes and what?

We could, we could make a noise.

What noise would you suggest, Mary?

Yes and

-ho.

-Great. Let's run with that. Yes and ho.

-Thanks, Emma.

-24/7 parliament.

ALL: Yes and ho.

-Pay the unemployed to drive ambulances.

-Yes and ho.

-Free thermals for the elderly.

-Yes and ho.

-I'm just telling it straight.

-Adam, the girl is still in our office.

Well... Well, then, let's get rid of her.

Well, ask her out, that'll do it.

-Did you get her a tea?

-What?

-Er, she needs a tea.

-Well, get her a tea.

-You get her a tea.

-She's your girlfriend.

-Get her a fucking tea.

-I'm the minister. I don't even know where tea is made.

-Make her a tea.

-Could you make her a tea?

-I'm in charge.

-You're not in charge.

-I am in charge.

-Get hold of Mannion. They need to know about this.

-I am Mannion.

Hi. Sorry.

Can I get you anything? A tea, coffee?

-Oh, no, don't, don't worry, you just...

-Sure?

-Yeah.

-OK, sit tight.

It's fine, the protest is over so it solves the problem. It's gone away.

It's like there's a little 12-year-old boy in a suit

with a fucking light sabre in his desk -

don't think I don't know it's there -

-running this department when Mannion's away.

-Yeah?

-It's a fucking joke.

-No, it's not, no, it's not. Have you seen Game of Thrones season 2?

-No.

Or Anakin Skywalker - he was young.

Er, Frodo, in his thirties - still young for a hobbit, you know?

I'm in charge because I'm a Jedi and you're a fucking Ewok.

Right, what is the Ewok position on this, then?

-Free tea bags.

-Yes and ho.

Free maternity leave for people getting a puppy.

Yes and ho.

Obese Olympics.

Yes and ho.

The line from Stewart via Emma was that I do nothing.

That was the one clear instruction they gave me, OK?

-We ignore him and he goes away.

-He is dead.

-Which makes him easier to ignore.

As a minister I should at least express condolences.

-That, that should come from Peter.

-But he's not here. I am.

Has anyone seen my Bluetooth headset?

Look, I speak for Peter and I say that we look guilty if we say we're sorry he died.

I'll take that as a no.

Listen, Phil, I was a journalist, OK?

Now, if you don't respond you create a vacuum

that sucks in speculation

and then you can't respond - you get sucked fucking inside out.

Look, Tickle wasn't the Queen of people's hearts.

-He was a twat in a tent.

-Tick-EL! He was called Tick-EL!

We drove a man to his death. We are responsible for this.

Glenn, please, shush.

Do you think we could just pretend to behave like compassionate professionals in control,

-just for once?

-Yeah, OK, er...

Look, er, whatever the fallout from today, megaphone Mary,

you brought her in, she's your problem.

Right, fuck. Adam, we need to.

Could be... Hang on they're coming back. I'll ring you back.

Great stuff, Tara, we're going to go ahead with the bank.

-Yep, meeting's over.

-Don't you need to talk to the Treasury?

-Done that.

-OK, well, let's talk details.

-When it comes to interest rates, there's still quite a lot...

-Hey, don't talk us out of it.

-You don't want to do that.

-So, is this the green light?

Uh-huh, yep, £2 billion.

-Oh, my God!

-Oh!

-Crikey.

-Ohh! That's great.

-Oh, right, OK!

-Oh, my God.

-Great, great, terrific.

-We'll be in touch.

-Thank you.

-Lovely to meet you.

-Great.

What have we just green-lit?

Well, we are starting a community bank with £2 billion.

Right, is that the £2 billion we keep in the biscuit tin?

This is just great, this is just fucking great.

-Oh...

-I hang around this moral abattoir to do something exactly like this and you shut me out.

So I'm spending my bank holiday founding a bank?

I thought the point about bank holidays is that they're supposed to be shut.

You know, when we see something we like we just buy it,

that's the way we work round here.

I hope the Tickel situation is all OK.

-Well, it'll be fine.

-Thank you.

-Great. Lovely to meet you.

-See you soon.

Right.

Right, I'm in fucking charge and I am going Nordic drama.

Adam, secure the economist. You get Stewart and Mannion back here stat.

Brilliant, got that guys, yeah? OK?

Sure, I'll do it your way for now, Fergus,

but they left me in charge for a reason.

I bet you line up all your action figures on the edge of your bath, don't you?

One, I've got a shower and two, they're still in the boxes.

Emma, it's Phil, same message as before. Tickle's topped himself, the press want me to respond,

so just fucking ring me, OK?

-Have you got them?

-No, everyone's ignoring me.

It's like the first year of university.

-Fuck it, the whole of university.

-PHONE RINGS

Jesus. Hello?

No, I can categorically say that Peter Mannion will not be resigning over this.

-Thank you.

-Who was that?

-World At One. I handled it.

You don't handle the World At One, Phil. They're not stolen goods.

If you want to go and play phones, you can go down to the creche

where there's a big phone with big boggly eyes

that go round and round when you wheel it about.

Now piddle off.

We've got to put something out there, Terri.

That boy is a simpleton.

Two hundred years ago they wouldn't have let him milk a cow.

Jonty! Terri here over at Hectic House.

-SHE LAUGHS

-No! No, Peter's not resigning!

-Free apples.

-Yes and ho.

-Free coffins.

-Yes and ho.

Reduce the deficit with spending cuts.

Yes and ho.

Peter, Peter, I want to hear new ideas ricocheting off your sinuses like a pinball,

not just a 2-year-old slogan.

OK, Dr Jazz, let's hear it.

We do away with computers.

-Yes and ho.

-You idiot, that's fucking mental.

No blocking, Peter, only counterpoint.

Do away with computers, what do we think? How would it affect us?

-Good idea, bad idea?

-Good idea for me. I wouldn't get any more of your fucking emails.

Try and stay cross-legged if you can, Peter. Don't break the circle.

I'm 54, Stewart. My knees are fucked and my patience is snapped.

Some of us had to go through this hippy shit the first time around.

I'm not talking about selling it to the electorate.

I'm talking about exploring it within the free space of the circle.

OK, give me the ball. Give me the ball. Give me the ball.

-No.

-Give me the fucking ball, Stewart.

-Let's do away with you.

-What?

Filters off, daddyo, let it all hang out.

Just suppose your free-range, no-consequences bullshit

was hugely entertaining when we were in opposition and shitting money

but now that we're in government and it's all gone a bit JG Ballard,

it's irrelevant and infantile.

Oh, very droll, Peter.

And maybe the reason you don't mind handing your phone in

is that it doesn't ring as much as it used to.

Oh, sorry, doesn't ring as much as it used to, yes and ho.

Er, I'm sorry but does the sign on the door say "do disturb"?

No. Sorry. It is urgent.

Your office says Peter Mannion and Stewart Pearson should check their phones and call back now, please.

Fine, well, you've, you've burst the thought bubble, erm, receptionist,

so that's great. Thank you very much. Fantastic.

OK, everyone just take...

Sorry, is that a phone, Emma?

Er, hotline, Number 10.

It's just I'm amending some boring policy drafts.

They're encrypted but I've got to keep it on me.

And Stewart hasn't got one.

Want the opinion of an old lag? Mannion will have to go.

Stick to policemen are getting younger, Glenn.

Peter's going nowhere

and I don't mean that in a Glenn's career kind of way.

I've seen a lot of people resign and they're always happier afterwards.

You're thinking of lobotomies.

Peter resigns over my dead body.

Yes, yes. That would be the ideal scenario.

It's probably just Phil, he's run out of colouring books or something.

Anything to get out of Stewart's think sphincter.

Hello, receptionist. Could I have my phone, please?

-Your name, sir?

-It's Stewart.

-Stewart...?

-Stewart Pearson.

-Peter Mannion, mine's the old Nokia.

-It's engaged.

-Yeah, thank you.

-Look, the one with Stewart written on it.

-No, nothing.

-Just keep trying.

-It's engaged.

-I can't get any reception.

-No, you won't round here.

No reception at reception, we always say. The best spot, sounds stupid, is the children's play area.

Top of the slide.

Nothing.

God, I hate the country. Get higher, you idiot.

That's it, that's it, I've got something.

Download the intel, Peter. Come on. Put it on speaker.

No. I've got loads of messages from my wife and from Phil.

-She's taking the dog to the hospital.

-Oh, come on.

She's... She's had a long wait.

-The wound in his paw's gone septic.

-Oh, please, Peter, move on.

-Tickle's dead.

-What?

-Tickle's dead.

OK, it's my turn on that signal, Peter, get down.

Wait, I'm listening to the fucking message.

I need to get this signal. Just get down.

-Stop being so childish.

-Jesus Christ.

-Just get down, Peter.

-I've got it, I've got it.

-Playtime's over. Tickle's dead, OK?

Number 10's gone off-the-hook mental. Take my phone to call the PM.

Right, Phil's meeting us, he's going to bring a shirt, suit and tie.

You are not going to arrive looking like the manager of an organic wine bar.

-Right, come on, come on, come on! Movement.

-Sh! Hello?

Update, Phil's intercepting Peter.

Everyone's coming back here, half an hour.

Coverly, comms. Yeah, can you hold on one second please?

ETA plus 30 minutes GMT.

Well, anyway, Mannion has surely got to freeze housing disposals now.

Yeah, on that point, Glenn, I wonder if it might be at all helpful

if we collated every single statement Mannion's made about Tickle and the sell-off policy.

Yeah, as a sort of favour to selected hacks,

put a bit of air between us and the policy, a lot of air.

Adam, this is not the time for party political point scoring.

-At least let the body get cold.

-Of course. Understood.

What was it...? What was it Peter said to those Welsh chartered surveyors?

"The health service should be for care not subsidised housing."

Now, I mean, that is...

Jesus. Is this what we came into politics for?

Yeah, that and the pussy.

What's that? I'm supposed to be commenting on a suicide not a fucking camel race.

It will balance out the bad news. You know - yin-yang.

-Jon Snow does it.

-I want Tickle's movements over the last 24 hours

and I want his complete mental health records since he first sat on a potty.

Do you think you might need one or two computers for that, Stewart?

We're going to try and dredge up some fire-fighting strategy.

Absolutely. I'll top-load you as soon as we arrive.

Yep, thanks. OK. All right. Bye.

Can I...? Can I take the seatbelt off?

No, Peter. Stewart, what are you doing?

It helps with the car sickness.

This is great, isn't it, Stewart?

A conference on crisis management that's been scuppered by an actual fucking crisis.

We don't even know why he killed himself yet.

I mean, suicide, it's pathetic.

At least take some of your enemies with you, that's a noble death.

This is going nuts. So many questions being asked.

It started with why did Phil bring a tie from the '90s?

-I brought an alternative.

-But that's too far the other way.

-It makes him look guilty.

How can he be guilty? He's got the perfect alibi. He was at boot camp.

-Oh!

-Brilliant, let's release that, hey?

There's no actual blood on his hands and he remembered to wipe the fingerprints off the knife.

Look, you can wear my tie, what about mine?

-What's on your tie?

-Tintin moon rockets.

-Oh, for fuck's sake.

It amazes me you ever found your way out of your mother's womb.

-Here he is!

-Minister!

-Minister, does the government have blood on its hands?

-Are you resigning?

-Have you got anything to say to the family?

-Shouldn't you have done more, Minister?

-Please!

-Not the trousers.

Let's show a little more decorum.

A man has died in tragic and complicated circumstances.

This is not the time for barked questions or hurried judgement.

There will be a statement presently.

Was Mr Tickel killed by politics, Mr Mannion?

-Do relax...

-Heads up now, yeah?

Terri, poppet, can you send me out a cry mail?

"We give a toss, we're sorry for your loss, yeah?"

Peter, we might need to relaunch the trousers.

Get him a tie, a bland one. Glenn, one of yours, yeah?

Peter, I have a bit of news that I should probably make you aware of.

Yes, I do know, Fergus. A man with an amusing name has died.

Er, no, actually. It's that this morning I... Well, I set up a community bank.

-What?

-You did what? You... You... You set up a bank?

I had a moment of weakness and they exploited it, like Hugh Grant.

Yeah, well, we didn't really have much choice

because it was all going to piss in a kettle here,

-so we had to get the economist out of the way.

-What economist?

Well, we were having a preliminary meeting when Phil started to crow,

Glenn was having a meltdown - it was embarrassing.

You bought a bank out of social embarrassment?

I sometimes buy the Big Issue out of social embarrassment, I don't buy a fucking bank.

-Oh...

-Peter, this is so fucking us.

Just wind back, right. Let's get this straight, so I can deal with you two properly.

How much is this bank?

-Well, 2 billion.

-2 billion.

-2 billion!

-Sweet Tracy Emin!

All right, don't need to shit yourself about it because we're not buying it, OK?

-It's funded by taxes.

-That's all right then.

Oh, great, the triple! I'm a nurse killer, a banker and now I'm raising fucking taxes!

Well, you are meant to be the bad cop, so what's our out?

You're giving me an actual noose along with the metaphorical one.

-Trousers!

-Sorry, I'm getting your trousers.

-TEXT ALERT

Jesus, what were you guys doing at the hotel? There's a picture of you on a slide.

-It's been tweeted by a golfer.

-Oh, for...

No, no, no, no, no, no.

It's gonna go big, bigger than Charlie bit my finger.

-You look like the Shit Family Robinson.

-Aaahhhh!

-Jesus Christ!

-Shit!

Oh, poor Stewart. I think a bit of his brain broke.

My phone broke. I was up to Warlock General in Dragonlance.

A year of my life, gone.

Er, Peter, speaking of socially embarrassing situations,

what the fuck were you doing being photographed on a slide?

It was the only place we could get a fucking signal.

Two grown men in a playground - that's a pretty clear signal.

Peter, Number 10 have seen the photo. They don't want you to make a statement.

Fergus, looks like you're up.

-Statement on Tickle in 10 minutes OK?

-Bring it!

-I'm gonna go and talk Stewart down.

-I don't want the fucking trousers.

ADAM: Peter, sorry to take this off you.

Yeah, but that's swings and roundabouts, isn't it?

MOBILE Coverly, comms. Yeah, statement in er... Emma?

-Yes.

-Statement in?

-Nine.

-Nine, nine minutes.

Yep. OK, everyone. Terri Coverly offline.

OK, shall I bring you some tea?

Oh, Peter, that tie's a bit rubbish, isn't it?

Can I just...? Why don't I just help you with that?

-Just... I'm very willing to...

-Take it.

PHIL: Jesus, Christ, Terri. Next time why don't you just lick his spats?

This is not about changing policy, this is not about running away from our obligations...

Here you go. I managed to wrestle your tie back off Terri.

There's some of her fingernails in it.

Well, in the grand scheme of things, that's not such a big deal.

-You're not gonna watch your guy give the statement?

-No.

He's not my guy, Phil. I'm on my own here. There's no one quite like me, not here, not any more.

Yeah. You're the last VHS in Oxfam.

They won't take them anymore, I've tried.

Series one to five of the X Files - nothing, can't give them away.

For a fairer NHS, for a fairer public housing programme.

He's exactly why people hate politicians.

He's making me hate politicians, him in particular.

Any second now he's gonna do the imaginary tits.

There they are. THEY CHUCKLE

Thank you.

Look at him.

Moments like this make you realise why Elvis shot so many TVs.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd