Episode 7 The Thick of It


Episode 7

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Transcript


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This programme contains very strong language from the start and adult humour.

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We're on dual commentary. Yeah, like the tennis.

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Yeah, sadly without Boris Becker.

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I'm surprised Sue Barker doesn't sink her teeth into his thighs, aren't you?

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OK, team, we need to get it out there that the police arrest backlog

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is not a DoSAC FUBAR, OK?

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The Home Office cut paperwork, there are more bobbies on the beat.

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No-one to process them at the stations.

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I doubt there are any major criminals on the loose, this is about paperwork,

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it's not Con Air! I mean, I wish it was!

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-That to Peter.

-Oh, good morning, Minister!

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How did it go with the DPM?

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Oh, so that good. I've got to go.

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Anyone read Wolf Hall?

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I'm just shuttling messages between them.

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I'm like a blue-bottomed fly, frankly. Ah! From Fergus.

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It's the one set on a plane.

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No, that's Snakes on a Plane.

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This one is Nicolas Cage on a plane.

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Heaven's sake!

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Look, Phil,

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every petty criminal in the country is in a holding pattern because...

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that barrel of cocks at the Home Office can't process

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their arrests quick enough, so why am I the one

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who has to gimp himself out all day to Martha Kearney and Eddie Mair?

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Since the inquiry DoSAC looks toxic and weak. They're trying to pile

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-all the Government's ills on us.

-Whose fault's that?

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I said I'm sorry about the inquiry, OK?

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I started writing you a letter but it seemed pretentious. If it's consolation,

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I haven't felt that humiliated since my trunks fell down at a swimming gala.

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It's of no consolation to think of you naked in front of 500 boys.

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Yeah, absolutely, Trevor. OK, yeah, drinks soon.

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Yeah, you too. OK, bye.

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Oh, God!

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I just felt my ovaries cringe!

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I'm trying to flirt our way out of this police backlog.

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Peter, quick reminder, Think Socially,

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-the social enterprise scheme, we're launching it tomorrow.

-Sod that!

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I need to keep a low profile, give it to Fergus and Adam.

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Sorry, Han, can I just put you on pause there?

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-I'm in the minister's office.

-Oh, great!

-Oh, no, the proper one!

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I'm just pausing you there. Mary Drake.

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From the Home Office, she's going to come over, fancies a chat.

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But I told old Iron Blouse that I'd talk to her presently!

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-What part of that sentence doesn't she understand?

-Just thought you'd like to know.

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Don't want to be accused of being a barricade or anything!

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ALL: Blockage.

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Look, things were said at that inquiry, Terri...

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They certainly were.

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Well, can you just be a fucking professional and get Fergus in here?

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I am an F-wording professional.

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Wait, wait, Terri, can you give this to Fergus,

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and tell him he's going to front Think Socially tomorrow?

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-Ah. Yeah, OK, err, um, Peter, may I just...

-No, you may not.

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I thought we weren't talking to the Proclaimers.

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We have to play happy families for Mary, pretend I don't want

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to strangle Fergus's bollocks so they look like glace cherries.

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Sorry. Can I?

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-Christ, you just can't flush her.

-Can I borrow her?

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Yeah, but there's a fine if you don't bring her back.

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It should be a fine if you DO bring her back.

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Ever since this inquiry, Mannion and Fergus,

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-their communication has totally broken down.

-Yes.

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-Which is why we have the double stamp system.

-Yeah...

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No decisions without a dual approval, what?

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Occasionally, just because of a, well...

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a time-sensitive decision, I have got a stamp from Peter,

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but unfortunately been unable to locate Fergus.

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OK, let's fast-forward to the bit where I don't want to eat my own lips off.

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In order to prevent a Fergal paper jam,

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I have stamped certain decisions

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based on what I imagined he might think.

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So, you have approved a policy that Fergus is going to launch,

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that Fergus knows nothing about?

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-Sort of.

-Sort of, or sort of exactly?

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Sort of exactly.

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You're telling me that you have been running parts of this country?

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What the fuck are you trying to do, prove the Mayans right?

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Ha-ha! "Dear Jim, please could you fix it for me for two departments

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"to fuck up on the same day?" "Yes, I can!"

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So, this government arrest backlog is a really lovely gift token...

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-Mmm.

-The question is, what does Daddy buy with it?

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Err, you, the daddy man, err, you could...

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how about you point up the split between the HO and DoSAC?

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-Take the sort of, a "government divided" route.

-Nice.

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Meanwhile, an unarrested feral underclass has gone Mad Max,

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and police station waiting rooms are heaving like the hedgehog carvery at a Gypsy wedding.

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PHONE RINGS

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Oh, I do apologise, excuse me. I need to take this.

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-We need to drop Malcolm.

-Right.

-I can't get on my high horse

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about crime issues the day after my director of communication

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may have, ie definitely HAS, committed perjury.

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And I like getting on my high horse.

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I look good on it. Like a knight.

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So they're actually going to pursue this?

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Right. Thanks for the heads-up, mate, yeah.

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Listen, I need a police station with a lot of exits and entrances,

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in case the press show up.

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Sam. Sam, Sam. Brentford, right, OK.

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Listen, Sam. Get a hold of Greg Fraser for me. I need some hard lawyering.

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-OK.

-Pink. Pink, pink flowers.

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-Pink.

-For my mother. It's her 80th birthday.

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Lovely big bouquet of pink ones.

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Lovely. How are you doing?

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I'm bitchin', yes, I'm as busy as a two-twatted hooker.

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Great. I was thinking, Malcolm...

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Maybe you should take a bit of time off, just maybe tour the Highland distilleries,

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or whatever it is your people do, you know? Take up stunt kiting.

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Well, we don't take advice from a guy who looks like he gels his hair by sticking it up a cow's vagina.

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All right, fair enough.

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-Here's an idea that you could pitch to Millertron 3,000.

-Yes.

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Get him to go to a police station, yeah?

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-But pick a big one, right?

-Right.

-Lewisham. It's more impact in a big one.

-Yeah, yeah.

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-But make sure you get as many press there as possible.

-Yeah. OK.

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Dan Miller is visiting a police station.

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What? Why? Why, why aren't I visiting a police station?

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-Why didn't you think of that?

-Yes, why didn't you think of that?

-I did, I nearly did, OK?

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I was about to think of that. Christ, it's like Harry Potter all over again.

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I thought of that, I just didn't write it down.

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It was Gandalf at school, but same principle.

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-Fergus has got an idea about the police backlog, just tell him.

-Yeah, I'm going to.

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It is basically an issue of manpower, so we outsource, we get the private sector in to clear it up.

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It's problem solved, it's obvious, really.

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-Yeah, yeah. Yes, you, yes, it is obvious, that's two obvious things you've missed today.

-Idiot!

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-Yeah, what do you think?

-No, I think it's good,

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-I mean, private sector dives in and saves us, it plays well for us.

-Thank you.

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Till we get the bill! Cos we got no money.

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Anyway, I'm just popping out to Tesco Metro, anyone want a yoghurt?

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No, Glenn, no.

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Ah, Peter. This War of the Roses with the Home Office?

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It ends now. We want a united realm.

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There's no vision in division.

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Well, yes, there is. Anyway, tell Perkin Warbeck over there.

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OK, people, could we briefly form a coherent group?

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Mary Drake is in the building, she's on her way up.

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OK. Shields up, guys. Centurions, we're forming a tortoise.

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OK. Terri. Think Socially.

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Did I sign off on this?

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Because I hadn't heard of Think Socially until I said it just then.

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-OK, er...

-So what is it?

-Simple explanation.

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-Love to hear it.

-Yeah. Very...

-Oh, God, here's Mary.

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Bunch up, everyone, so she doesn't see the corpses.

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Look, synchronise lies, all right?

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Mary, hi, hi. Emma. We met at the away day.

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I so enjoyed our mood play.

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Yes. You actually did, didn't you?

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Ah, you must be the legendary Terri.

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I've heard a great deal about you.

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-Oh, please, don't believe everything that you hear.

-I fully intend not to.

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-Stewart, shakras balanced?

-Er...sorry. Tiny bit of housekeeping.

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Terri, um, er...Think Socially. Just checking in on that.

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Yes. Yes, it's a go thing. Double stamped, yes.

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Mary. Great to see you again.

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I'm here in an angry capacity.

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Ah! The cream in our coffee, Mary.

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The message from the Home Office is this,

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"Move away from the backlog, there's nothing to see.

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"Let the police do their jobs, let us do ours."

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-Sorry to be, er...contrary, Mary.

-HE CHUCKLES

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But, er...Peter and I have just been discussing this very issue.

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Shut up. Let me tell you something now.

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DoSAC is one rat's whisker away

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from being shut down and subsumed by the Home Office

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and put in charge of cocking up the tea run!

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And I like mine weak and white.

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Like my men.

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Stewart, any thoughts from within your fucking dream yurt?

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I will go and try and defrag this situation.

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But I am staying strictly macro.

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Subtitles. You need subtitles!

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Sorry, er, Think Socially.

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Terri, would you mind explaining rationally why I appear to be giving

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a ringing endorsement to a piece of shit that I've never even heard of?

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-It's not my fault, it's the double stamping nonsense, that's the reason.

-Oh, really?

-Yeah.

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Because, right now, I want to double stamp on your fucking throat.

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I'm taking that seriously as a physical threat.

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You know, one of the many, many things that baffles me about you is you remain unmurdered!

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What time are we due at the Mirror?

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-Oh, not for another hour.

-Oh, OK.

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Got plenty of time to get into your Boudica mode.

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I am woman, hear me roar!

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Get your jugs out, get on your chariot.

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SHE CHUCKLES

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Crikey!

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I think, given that I'm hoping to get back into cabinet at some point,

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I might...keep my jugs in the cupboard.

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THEY CHUCKLE

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Or...I suppose I could always pop one of them out

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if the interview's flagging.

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It's an option!

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Um... I did apologise, didn't I, for telling you to fuck off?

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Yes.

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Good. Because I, you know, I didn't mean it.

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I wouldn't be here if I thought you meant it.

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I've got plenty of places to fuck off to.

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It's a big funeral home, isn't it?

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KNOCK ON DOOR

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-M Tucker.

-Olly.

-Malcolm.

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Um, we need to have a little chat.

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You're not splitting up with me, are you?

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Because I'm pregnant and it's quads, so, you know. You're not laughing.

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Well, I'm laughing on the inside.

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Which is a tad ironic,

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-because I'm leaving here in five minutes to get arrested.

-Hang on.

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Sorry, er...you're going to be arrested at the exact same time

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that Dan Miller's doing his Lewisham walkabout?

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Yeah. But I'm going to Brentford where nobody will be watching me

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because they'll all be with him.

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So the Leader of the Opposition is going to be filmed at a police station

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at the exact moment as his Head Of Communications is being arrested.

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Yes! OK, great, great, so that's a sack full of face-chewing rats,

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-thank you very much.

-Look, it's... this is what you have to deal with, right?

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It's just another day at the fuck office.

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So now, I have to step into your shoes, but after you've shat in them?

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Olly, look at me. I'm not pulling anything out of a magic hat.

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The rabbits have fallen to pieces,

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their fucking heads are coming off and frightening the kids.

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So somebody else is going to have to help out.

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Well, who says I even want to be you, Malcolm?

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-Who says that?

-Nobody says that.

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Except every screaming atom of that etiolated stick of fuck you call a body says that.

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Every fibre of your being, every stamen...says that.

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But you are not me, Olly.

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No.

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And you never will be me.

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I knew Malcolm F Tucker, sir.

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And you are not Malcolm Fucking Tucker.

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You're not even fucking Manchester's top Malcolm Tucker tribute band.

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And trying to be me, you?

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Trying to be me will fucking kill you. I give you 18 months

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before you're a washed-out, weeping alcoholic

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with no fucking bladder control.

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Sleeping on your brother-in-law's sofa.

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And so on and so on, it doesn't have to be like that now, Malcolm,

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politics has actually changed.

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-Oh?

-Right. Yeah, yeah. And you probably haven't noticed because you've been on transmit

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for the last fucking eight years Waa-waa-waa-waa-waa!

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And whilst you've been doing that, everybody else has been changing,

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and it's all a bit softcore now, it's all a bit algorithms now.

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You don't have to be Malcolm Tucker to sit in that chair.

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Oh, how quickly they grow up. You fucking think you know me?

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Well, yeah. Yeah, I know you.

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You know Jackie fucking Chan about me.

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You know fuck all about me!

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I am totally beyond the realms of your fucking tousle-haired,

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fucking dim-witted compre-fucking-hension.

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I don't just take this fucking job home, you know.

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I take this job home, it fucking ties me to the bed,

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and it fucking fucks me from arsehole to breakfast.

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Then, it wakes me up in the morning with a cup full of piss

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slammed in my face, slaps me about the chops,

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to make sure I'm awake enough so it can kick me in the fucking bollocks.

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This job has taken me in every hole in my fucking body.

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Malcolm is gone, you can't know Malcolm,

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because Malcolm is not here!

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Malcolm fucking left the building fucking years ago!

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This is a fucking husk.

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I am a fucking host for this fucking job.

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Do you want this job?

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-Yeah.

-Yes, you do fucking want this job.

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Then, you're going to have to fucking swallow this whole fucking life

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and let it grow inside you like a parasite.

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Getting bigger and bigger and bigger until it fucking eats your insides alive

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and it stares out of your eyes and tells you what to do.

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Malcolm, this sounds like the fucking video you leave on YouTube

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after you've blown your brains out.

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I'm as dead as fucking 2 Tone.

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But I can fashion my own exit.

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Oh, Christ! What, are you going to fly to Switzerland

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and have a wank off a nurse and a bye-bye pill, are you?

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Funny, funny man.

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Political exit.

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No, I know.

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I'm going to leave the stage with my head held fucking high, right?

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What you're going to see is a masterclass in fucking dignity, son.

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The audience will be on their feet. "There he goes," they'll say.

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"No friends, no real friends. No children, no glory, no memoirs."

0:13:210:13:27

Well, fuck them.

0:13:300:13:31

-Hello.

-Hello.

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Hi. Nicola Murray, Leader of... Oh! I've got to stop saying that.

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-Hello. Helen, hi.

-Declan.

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Declan, hi.

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-Nice to see you again.

-Yes, again, er...

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Do you not remember me?

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I, I'm so sorry, you look very familiar,

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but it's just I meet so, well, I met so many people.

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You're for the chop!

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SHE CHUCKLES

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Oh, right. You're... OK!

0:13:520:13:55

-Uh-huh!

-Mr Chop. Yeah.

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I'll look forward to giving you a bit of a grilling!

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-Well, this might be your chance, I'm the one doing the interview.

-Are you? Great.

0:14:000:14:05

-Here we...

-Here's an old friend.

-Hello. Oh, yeah.

-Wow! Yeah.

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Still, still doing that joke!

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Big, though, isn't it?

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Um, if you'd just excuse us for one minute, Mr Ch... Um...

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-Declan.

-Declan, Declan, yes, yes, yes, of course.

-Yeah, sorry.

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-I just need a quick strategy chat.

-Sure.

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I am...ever so close to being on the verge

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of balling my fucking eyes out disappointed about this.

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I mean, this was it, was it? What was the alternative?

0:14:290:14:32

Going on Strictly Come Dancing

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and doing a fucking hookie waltz with Abu Hamza?

0:14:330:14:37

This is pretty low. This is lower than my mother's pelvic floor, Helen.

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I had to virtually go on the game to get you this.

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So frankly, I don't care if he wants to roll around in apple sauce with you,

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get in there and do as you're told.

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Right. I will go, because I'm choosing to go in,

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but I just need you to know, for the record...

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Just get in there before I push you in.

0:14:550:14:57

If they video this as well, I'm going to swallow my own fucking thumbs.

0:14:590:15:04

OK.

0:15:040:15:05

-So, sorry about that, yes, just...

-Not at all.

0:15:050:15:07

Now, we're going to be videoing this too, if that's OK,

0:15:070:15:09

so I thought interview first, then, I'll get myself into my chop costume and we do a little double act.

0:15:090:15:13

What news from the front, my hardy legionnaires?

0:15:130:15:16

Er...Forest Hill running smooth, Croydon lag time, get it?

0:15:160:15:18

Down 15 minutes, slamming the hoods.

0:15:180:15:21

Boom! Fuck the Home Office.

0:15:210:15:23

-Yeah.

-Double stamped.

-Fuck the police!

0:15:230:15:25

-No, that doesn't work.

-Christ, I haven't felt this alive for months.

0:15:250:15:28

I feel like I've had a health scare.

0:15:280:15:30

OK. Dan Miller's station visit's on.

0:15:300:15:32

He's going to be meeting and greeting. Urgh!

0:15:320:15:35

-Er, Emma, which police station is it?

-Lewisham.

0:15:350:15:37

Actually, Phil, how long is the waiting time there?

0:15:370:15:40

Well, that's a big nick. Tough nut to crack.

0:15:400:15:42

Phil, can you stop pretending you're in The Sweeney and just give me a fucking fact?

0:15:420:15:46

-How long?

-It's coming down. Hour, hour and a half, tops.

-OK.

0:15:460:15:49

So listen, I was thinking of learning a new language.

0:15:490:15:51

TELEPHONE RINGS

0:15:510:15:53

Oh, sorry, got to take that.

0:15:530:15:54

Oh! It's my sister.

0:15:540:15:56

Peter, we need to get as many staff as possible down to Lewisham, OK?

0:15:560:15:59

When Miller gets there, we need them to be processing like, like human Pentiums.

0:15:590:16:03

Yeah, I, I agree, I don't care who's queuing for arrest

0:16:030:16:06

or if they go on to kill again, Lewisham's the priority.

0:16:060:16:08

Brilliant! We make it seem like Dan Miller's the problem, he's wasting police time.

0:16:080:16:12

-He's the backlog.

-Err, Peter.

-Um? Yeah.

0:16:120:16:14

When you have a moment, can I get a quote on Malcolm's arrest?

0:16:140:16:17

-Malcolm?

-Tucker.

0:16:170:16:19

Malcolm Tucker's being arrested?

0:16:190:16:21

Well, I was thinking of coming down there in October anyway.

0:16:210:16:24

-What the fuck? This is...

-I've been getting calls for 15 minutes.

0:16:240:16:27

Not the same sources that told you David Beckham was running for mayor?

0:16:270:16:30

Malcolm's solicitor phoned the police, who phones journalists, and they tell me.

0:16:300:16:34

-And after all that people phoning you...

-Yes? Yes?

0:16:340:16:37

..then you just, then, you just have a little tuna salad, do you, watch Loose Women?

0:16:370:16:40

You lay an egg over there and...

0:16:400:16:42

Terri, Terri, can you spot who the blockage is in this office?

0:16:420:16:45

I have been getting on with doing exactly what you told me to,

0:16:450:16:47

-which was...

-What?

-..dealing with this arrest backlog.

-Can't you react to events? Fuck!

0:16:470:16:51

Yes, just doing one thing at a time, are you, because you're a uni-tasker?

0:16:510:16:55

All the press will focus on, right, is Malcolm's arrest,

0:16:550:16:57

-and not on anyone else who's being arrested, we have been trumped again!

-No, this is good.

0:16:570:17:01

We swoop in, sort the system, and we get Tucker in clink, it's a double stamp.

0:17:010:17:06

-Which police station's he going to?

-Brentford, apparently.

-Brentford.

0:17:060:17:09

Shit, it's off-grid! It'd be here, the vector would be here.

0:17:090:17:12

-Right.

-OK, listen up, everybody.

0:17:120:17:14

Forget Lewisham.

0:17:140:17:16

I want every warm body we've got down to Brentford.

0:17:160:17:18

Let's put the fucker in a cell with a genuine psychopath.

0:17:180:17:22

Can I just make sure that this is a double stamp?

0:17:220:17:24

This is a double stamp.

0:17:240:17:27

Yeah, well, don't worry, I can come down

0:17:270:17:28

and I'll have that wall whitewashed in about half an hour.

0:17:280:17:32

So you're telling me I literally cannot get arrested?

0:17:330:17:36

Look, I haven't got the staff to deal with the workload right now.

0:17:360:17:39

My client is doing everything he can to help you with your inquiries.

0:17:390:17:42

They are processing arrests at Lewisham, head down there.

0:17:420:17:44

-We can't go to Lewisham.

-Why not?

0:17:440:17:46

-Dan Miller's there, fondling truncheons.

-Oh!

0:17:460:17:50

-This, as you can see, is our control...

-Hello, Dan Miller, hello.

0:17:500:17:53

Hello, Dan Miller.

0:17:530:17:54

..room - nerve centre, shall we say? - where we've been

0:17:540:17:57

-managing the situation.

-Hi, Dan Miller.

0:17:570:17:59

So you must be incredibly concerned with the log jam we've been seeing.

0:17:590:18:02

Oh, absolutely, yesterday was a very challenging day.

0:18:020:18:05

I can imagine.

0:18:050:18:06

Yeah, but since we've had the additional help from the private contractors,

0:18:060:18:10

we're really getting on top of it.

0:18:100:18:11

Great. Well, well, yeah. Can I just...?

0:18:110:18:14

Oh, of course.

0:18:140:18:15

Olly. What the fuck are we doing here? Everything's fine.

0:18:150:18:20

I'm like lube at a funeral.

0:18:200:18:22

Yeah. I can't believe it but DoSAC have actually turned this around, they've Apollo 13'd it.

0:18:220:18:26

Fucking press!

0:18:280:18:30

Excuse me, is there another way out of here?

0:18:310:18:33

-You could hang yourself.

-Fuck off!

0:18:330:18:36

It's down there, turn right, on the left.

0:18:360:18:39

Have you heard that Malcolm Tucker's going to get arrested?

0:18:390:18:42

Two minutes, I will have something for you on that.

0:18:420:18:44

-Tell me that was a rhetorical question.

-Malcolm was supposed to get arrested quietly,

0:18:440:18:48

on the other side of town, but, obviously, it's actually got out.

0:18:480:18:51

How?

0:18:510:18:52

Do I have to say this? Do I have to say it out loud? Because the police...

0:18:520:18:55

Oh, why don't you say it out loud?

0:18:550:18:57

Yes, yes, maybe they can do me a favour and throw you down the fucking stairs.

0:18:570:19:01

This is basically the same fucking exit.

0:19:060:19:08

This is rubbish!

0:19:150:19:16

This is, this is literally rubbish.

0:19:160:19:19

Malcolm! Malcolm! There he is! There he is! Mr Tucker!

0:19:200:19:23

Hey! Get the fuck back here!

0:19:230:19:25

Jesus Christ.

0:19:250:19:27

OK, go. Go, go, go!

0:19:270:19:29

You drive off like that again and I'll stick your meter so far down your throat,

0:19:290:19:33

you'll be able to tell the price of your next shit.

0:19:330:19:35

Why the fuck have you brought me to a police station

0:19:350:19:37

when one of our most senior figures is about to be arrested?

0:19:370:19:40

Um...don't clasp your hands behind your back, it makes you look like you've been cuffed.

0:19:400:19:44

TELEPHONE RINGS

0:19:440:19:46

-Oh, it's him.

-Marvellous!

0:19:460:19:48

Put him on speakerphone, he might want to do an interview down the line.

0:19:480:19:51

-Oliver Reeder.

-'Olly, some press turned up at Brentford.'

0:19:510:19:53

I've just been chased into a cab. It's like Hard Day's fucking Night.

0:19:530:19:57

-'Where can I go?'

-Er...I'm hearing Hackney's good, 82% operational.

0:19:570:20:01

Olly, will you please keep the rest of the press there,

0:20:010:20:05

with Dan in Lewisham?

0:20:050:20:06

Please. I need my dignity.

0:20:060:20:09

-Come on, give me my fucking dignity...

-Er, thanks for calling.

0:20:090:20:12

OK, we need to get out of here as quickly as we possibly can.

0:20:120:20:15

-Thank you very much.

-That was really, er, wonderful. Carry on.

0:20:150:20:18

Super, super station. Love what you've done with it.

0:20:180:20:20

Malcolm's gone. What's happening? Did he escape?

0:20:200:20:23

No, the press were there, it was taking too long.

0:20:230:20:25

Christ's sake! It's Tora fucking Bora all over again.

0:20:250:20:28

Where did he go? We've got to get everyone there now.

0:20:280:20:30

I'll find out, I'll find out.

0:20:300:20:32

-Let's get a chopper in the air. Be like the OJ chase!

-He is getting bloody arrested today, OK?

0:20:320:20:36

Absolutely. It's legacy stuff - the men who threw Malcolm Tucker in the slammer!

0:20:360:20:39

Can I just say my idea for pop-up prisons doesn't seem so stupid now.

0:20:390:20:42

Oh, blah, blah! Being this close won't... Hackney, Hackney!

0:20:420:20:45

-Where's Hackney?

-There. That's Hackney, right there.

-OK, OK, it's my manor.

0:20:450:20:49

Adam, Adam, make it happen. Boots on the ground, yeah?

0:20:490:20:52

This is fucking awesome, it's like COBRA! I hope I get defence next.

0:20:520:20:55

-Want the headset now, don't you?

-Fuck off.

0:20:550:20:57

I'm making myself an Earl Grey, Glenn. Can I get you something?

0:20:570:21:00

No, I'm tea-d out, thank you, Terri.

0:21:000:21:01

-Oh. Do you want a hand?

-You could open that cupboard door.

0:21:010:21:04

Are you moving offices or something?

0:21:040:21:06

Yeah, you could say that. I'm going to a prison cell.

0:21:060:21:08

-Oh, Glenn!

-Yeah.

0:21:080:21:10

-No!

-Yeah.

0:21:100:21:11

I've decided I'm going to resign.

0:21:110:21:13

Then after that I'm going to go to a police station and hand myself in.

0:21:130:21:16

-No, no, no, no...

-I perjured myself at the inquiry, Terri.

0:21:160:21:19

They'll find out. They always do.

0:21:190:21:21

I'll have a roof over my head, three meals a day and regular sex.

0:21:210:21:24

I might even work out. Get some abs.

0:21:240:21:26

What about your sister, Glenn? You've got to whitewash her walls!

0:21:260:21:29

Come out, everyone!

0:21:290:21:31

Tally-ho!

0:21:310:21:32

Yoo-hoo!

0:21:320:21:33

Come on, bring out your fucking dead.

0:21:330:21:36

Right, everybody, listen. I've got an announcement to make.

0:21:360:21:39

-Erm...

-What is it? Have you got an erection?

-No.

0:21:390:21:41

I would like to tell you all that I'm resigning.

0:21:410:21:44

-Is that it?

-No, you closeted Regency homosexual, that is not it.

0:21:440:21:50

Morally, this department is in the gutter.

0:21:500:21:55

-Thanks for the speech, Glenn, but we have work...

-You stay and take the punishment!

-Hoo-hoo-hoo!

0:21:550:21:59

-I will lamp you, with a lamp.

-Glenn, you've gone a tiny bit psychotic, my love.

0:21:590:22:04

You, Fergus,

0:22:040:22:05

when you asked me to join you, all you had was your principles,

0:22:050:22:09

but over the last two years, you've bent like a human fucking palm tree,

0:22:090:22:14

swaying to the guff of these six-toed, born-to-rule pony fuckers.

0:22:140:22:19

If you're going to go, just go.

0:22:190:22:21

-Oh!

-Spare us this Peter Finch bullshit.

0:22:210:22:23

Adam, you're waiting for your turn!

0:22:230:22:25

Oh, no, I remember!

0:22:250:22:27

It's your turn right now!

0:22:270:22:29

Brilliant. Bring it.

0:22:290:22:30

-You are simply the most loathsome human being I have ever met.

-Yeah.

0:22:300:22:33

You were so well suited at the Mail, it's a shame you came over here.

0:22:330:22:37

Hear, hear!

0:22:370:22:38

Do you know what? I hate you both. Tweedletwat and Tweedleprick.

0:22:380:22:41

You contribute absolutely nothing to the world,

0:22:410:22:44

so thank fucking God you have no power.

0:22:440:22:47

-Er, we do actually. It's...

-No, you don't.

0:22:470:22:49

And, Peter, it's been dreadful. I hope your cock falls off.

0:22:490:22:53

Phil, do you know what you are? You're like an eight-year-old trapped in a 12-year-old's body.

0:22:530:22:57

This is great! Why is no-one filming this?

0:22:570:23:00

-And Emma.

-Yeah, yeah, do Emma, do Emma.

0:23:000:23:02

Yeah. Emma, I'm sorry, you're just a standard-issue insipid posh bitch.

0:23:020:23:05

That's it!

0:23:050:23:06

Terri!

0:23:060:23:07

Oh! Whoa, whoa!

0:23:070:23:09

I don't think I've ever met anyone quite so proud,

0:23:090:23:12

and yet quite so useless.

0:23:120:23:14

But I do have to thank you, because I have managed to stay in shape

0:23:140:23:19

purely through the energy I spend in pitying you every day.

0:23:190:23:23

Glenn, you're just embarrassing yourself.

0:23:230:23:27

Fuck you all up the wrong 'un! Ta-ta! Bye-bye!

0:23:270:23:29

That was better than IMAX Inception.

0:23:290:23:32

EMMA: Poor, poor Glenn.

0:23:320:23:34

Should we try and get him back?

0:23:340:23:35

Fuck, no! He's gone completely mental.

0:23:350:23:38

He's gone Glenn-tal.

0:23:380:23:40

There he is, there he is!

0:23:400:23:41

Malcolm! Can you tell us why you're here today?

0:23:410:23:45

Why are you here today, Malcolm?

0:23:450:23:47

Are you here to be arrested?

0:23:470:23:48

Nothing to say.

0:23:480:23:50

THEY SHOUT OVER EACH OTHER

0:23:500:23:52

Nothing to say. There's nothing to say.

0:23:520:23:54

Out of my way, you fucking human Mooncup.

0:23:540:23:57

Have a bit of class.

0:23:570:23:58

Is this arrest by appointment, Mr Tucker?

0:23:580:24:01

You do not have to say anything.

0:24:010:24:02

However, it may harm your defence if you do not mention when questioned

0:24:020:24:06

something which you later rely on in court. Anything you do say may be...

0:24:060:24:10

Malcolm! Malcolm!

0:24:100:24:11

THEY SHOUT OVER EACH OTHER

0:24:110:24:13

Quiet! Quiet! Quieten down!

0:24:150:24:17

-Quieten down!

-Give us something.

0:24:170:24:19

I have a brief statement I will read on behalf of my client.

0:24:190:24:22

"I am innocent of all charges and vow to do everything in my power to clear my name.

0:24:220:24:27

"I will fight this all the way, and I am confident no jury will be able

0:24:270:24:30

"to look me in the eye and say anything other than I am an innocent man.

0:24:300:24:34

"But to avoid any distraction to my official duties,

0:24:340:24:36

"and to begin preparations for my acquittal,

0:24:360:24:39

"I am standing down as senior communications officer to my party,

0:24:390:24:42

"and, with heavy heart, I am leaving top-tier politics for good."

0:24:420:24:45

That is all we have to say at this time. Thank you.

0:24:450:24:48

Have you anything further to add?

0:24:480:24:51

No, I want to say something, I want to say something.

0:24:510:24:54

Doesn't matter.

0:25:010:25:03

THEY SHOUT OVER EACH OTHER

0:25:040:25:06

Have you been sacked, Mr Tucker?

0:25:080:25:10

'..standing down as senior communications officer to my party...'

0:25:140:25:17

-Oh, I do feel grubby.

-I feel fucking great! It's a huge scalp.

0:25:170:25:22

Size of a pizza!

0:25:220:25:23

How about a toast to the old bastard's hopeful incarceration

0:25:230:25:26

with a fine 12-year-old Glen-fuck it?!

0:25:260:25:28

WOMAN LAUGHS

0:25:280:25:30

I haven't worked all that long,

0:25:300:25:32

or all that closely with Malcolm Tucker,

0:25:320:25:34

but I wish him luck in clearing his name,

0:25:340:25:36

although, obviously, if he is found guilty,

0:25:360:25:38

then the full weight of the law should be...

0:25:380:25:41

Oh, sorry. Full force of the law should be...

0:25:410:25:43

I haven't worked all that long...

0:25:430:25:45

With him gone, um, I feel fresh hope we can mend

0:25:450:25:49

and rebuild a credible politics of integrity and honour.

0:25:490:25:53

So, er, thank you very much for coming,

0:25:530:25:55

I look forward to seeing much more of you in the coming weeks and months.

0:25:550:25:58

Not you, Rod, obviously. You're a twat.

0:25:580:26:00

But... In spite of the awards, er, er, for being a twat, I believe.

0:26:000:26:03

So, thanks, fellas. Don't be strangers.

0:26:030:26:06

-Oh, Phil, is it too much for you?

-It's strong!

-Oh, poor old Phil!

0:26:090:26:13

Did you get it in your eye?

0:26:130:26:15

I've got an image now of you puking up on some stripper's shoes

0:26:150:26:18

and then bursting into tears.

0:26:180:26:20

Drinking on the job, Peter. Why not? You've already got the efficiency of a man who's half-cut.

0:26:200:26:25

Oh, then I must have dreamt that my idea had successfully reduced the arrest backlog.

0:26:250:26:30

-DoSAC did do rather well today, er, actually.

-Thank you.

0:26:300:26:34

But there's a conspicuous blockage that will lead to a personnel change.

0:26:340:26:37

Stewart, you're out. You're going to be pickled in a think tank.

0:26:370:26:41

-WOMAN:

-What?

0:26:410:26:42

Of course I am, Mary. And whose authority is this coming from, hmm?

0:26:420:26:45

The PM, whilst acknowledging the need for thoughts,

0:26:450:26:50

is keener on actions these days.

0:26:500:26:52

I'm going to be providing those.

0:26:520:26:54

Stewart, there's no need for you to clear your desk,

0:26:540:26:57

cos you're a walking thought pod, aren't you?

0:26:570:26:59

Absolutely. Thank you very much.

0:26:590:27:02

Thanks.

0:27:020:27:04

Um, you know...

0:27:040:27:06

I've spent ten years detoxifying this party, hmm?

0:27:060:27:11

It's been a bit like renovating an old, old house, yeah?

0:27:110:27:16

You can take out a sexist beam here, a callous window there,

0:27:160:27:20

replace the odd homophobic roof tile.

0:27:200:27:23

But after a while you realise that this renovation is doomed.

0:27:230:27:27

Because the foundations are built on what

0:27:270:27:29

I can only describe as a solid bed of cunts.

0:27:290:27:34

Wow!

0:27:340:27:35

EMMA: Bye, Stewart.

0:27:350:27:36

Bye-bye, Stewart.

0:27:360:27:37

Thanks for everything!

0:27:370:27:39

Sod it.

0:27:430:27:44

Now, if we can just get a couple of pictures,

0:27:500:27:52

someone will give you a knife and fork,

0:27:520:27:54

and if you can pretend to eat me.

0:27:540:27:56

What a great day!

0:27:560:27:58

Peter? Sorry, the Sun have just been on.

0:27:580:28:00

I'm afraid a prisoner who was accused of assaulting his wife was accidentally released,

0:28:000:28:04

-he's gone back and attacked the wife and children.

-Oh, shit in the couscous!

0:28:040:28:08

EMMA: Right, OK, we need a joint statement.

0:28:080:28:10

-Both departments were too busy with the backlogs.

-Fuck it all!

0:28:100:28:13

-Yeah, basically stuff fell through the cracks.

-Exactly.

-No-one's fault.

0:28:130:28:16

-Can this be double-stamped?

-Fuck the stamps!

0:28:160:28:18

And whose fault is it the man was released?

0:28:180:28:20

-Terri, meeting in my office.

-Well, uh, in Peter's office.

-Well, I'm meeting in my office.

0:28:200:28:24

I'm meeting in my office.

0:28:240:28:25

THEY ALL TALK OVER EACH OTHER

0:28:250:28:27

What a shit day!

0:28:270:28:28

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