La Suvera, Pievescola The Trip to Italy

This programme contains strong language

-Hello.

-Steve? It's Rob.

-Oh, hey, hey.

-How's the show going?

-Just finished, just started the hiatus.

Yeah, I know, I spoke to your agent.

Listen, The Observer wants us to do more restaurant reviews,

-another six lunches.

-Really?

But this time in Italy. La bella Italia, yeah? What do you think?

-Well...

-They'll fly you to Europe.

-First class?

-No, they're offering business.

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?

Thou art more beautiful and more temperate.

Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May

and summer's lease has all too short a date.

Aren't those lines of Mr Shakespeare?

Yes, I don't like to quote my own work.

Aha!

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck.

-You OK?

-Yes, fine.

-How was last night?

-Fine.

Can you elaborate?

I don't want to talk about it and that's not the cue for an ABBA song.

Well, I think when most people say they don't want to talk about it,

it means it didn't go very well, but with you,

I'd infer that it went pretty well.

Yeah, too well.

Very green, isn't it?

It is.

Molta verde.

Giuseppe Verdi sounds very fancy, Joe Green.

Joe Green.

Roberto Brydone. Sounds classier than Rob Brydon, doesn't it?

-Yeah.

-Stefano Coggani.

-Yeah, I prefer my name in Spanish, Esteban.

-What is it?

-SPANISH ACCENT:

-Esteban.

You sound like a bull fighter.

The bull is... muy morte.

No, no morte el toro! You bring home the bull, we milk the bull.

-Don't milk...

-We don't milk the bull, we milk the cow.

Yeah, we don't want to milk a bull, Rob,

-not after what happened last time.

-That was a misunderstanding.

You know that was a simple misunderstanding, I was just... happened to be on the farm.

I've always been an animal lover, you know that.

Right, just a quick one.

Look at that hair. George Michael in the Careless Whisper video.

Why do we have to do this?

A picture is worth a thousand words.

It's not how I imagined it would be.

I've never seen so many deck chairs.

Really reminiscent of Rhyl.

Ever played the Sun Centre in Rhyl?

No. No, that's on my to do list.

See, you've got Shelley there on his funeral pyre.

Byron staring wistfully into space, that's Trelawney,

he's the guy that commissioned the boat so...

Oh, that's a bit awkward.

Hence he's staring at his feet.

They wouldn't sue in those days, not like they do now.

Have you been injured at work while composing romantic poetry

on a boat, call now. 0800 471 471, you could win up to £5,000.

Like Mr Shelley.

Guineas, yes.

You could win up to 5,000 guineas, like Mr Shelley from the UK.

They wouldn't call it the UK.

Like Mr Shelley from Great Britain.

But this is a very idealised version of everything,

I mean he wouldn't have looked like that, he'd been

bobbing around for two weeks so he'd have been bloated beyond belief.

Yeah, everything looks better in a painting, doesn't it?

I sometimes think that one day I will be, and so will you, on a slab.

-Yep.

-You'll have a little tag round your toe

and somebody will be there embalming you.

-Yeah.

-Do you ever think that? Because it is going to happen.

Unless you're lost at sea and we can't find you, which is unlikely.

You will one day lie on a slab. You will, you will!

It's better to accept it, you're going to be on a slab.

And then, and you'll be naked, then somebody else will dress you.

-Yeah well, I...

-I would imagine with you that will happen sometime

before you actually die, somebody else dressing you.

I see you in your later years, having to be dressed.

I will, and I'll be dressed by a very attractive young nurse.

Yeah, but you'll be able to do nothing with her,

absolutely nothing with her, because your mind,

you'll be like The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, and your mind

-will still be as active as it is now.

-I'll still be able to sort of clasp her hand as she walks away.

No, you won't. There'll be no groping at all and that will absolutely kill you from the inside,

because she'll lean over you knowing, and she'll taunt you with her breasts

and there'll be nothing you can do and I'd love to be there.

-I would love to be there.

-I don't know what films you've been watching.

Do you know what I do? I read for Steve.

Have you heard what Rob Brydon does for Steve?

Steve is more or less a vegetable, but Rob goes every day and reads,

and the only reason I do it is to be there watching you unable

to reach out to your Filipino nurse. Knowing how much it's hurting you.

Now Trelawney is worried,

because he's concerned that Byron is going to take Shelley's skull

because he already had a skull which he used to drink from.

Yeah, you see, that lets Byron down,

because all that sort of great passionate poetry

and then you find out he's drinking from a novelty mug.

I would use your skull, not as a novelty mug.

I would saw off the top, like you do when you eat from a monkey.

And I would mount it on the dashboard of my car.

Keep the top as a lid.

Yes, and use it as a cup holder

and put on the best of Partridge on the MP3 player.

I'd laugh my head off while looking at your head, literally off,

pop the latte into your head, and if I was entertaining someone I'd say...

They'd sit there, I mean your work is great, they'd say,

"Isn't he funny?" I'd say, "Not just funny, he's holding my coffee."

Did you know there's another bloke who died on the boat with him?

Yes, and they buried him, they burned him the day before.

-Yeah.

-The warm-up man.

Forgotten. A footnote in history.

If you die with somebody more famous than you...

-It is terrible, like Diana...

-Mother Teresa.

-Mother Teresa.

-Nobody mentions Mother Teresa.

Right, I shall drive as per our agreement.

You can have the new experience of being a passenger.

You sure? It's not new. I've been chauffeur driven many times before.

We are going to Palazzo Lanfranchi in Pisa, where Byron lived,

and it is on the Lungarno Galileo Galilei.

I'm now in fourth gear, OK? Is that all right?

All I said was reverse is next to first,

it's very easy to select it unwittingly.

I'm not slagging you off, I'm alerting you to what might happen.

Crossing the Rubicon here.

No, this is the Arno.

Look, we're in Pisa. Can we go and see the Leaning Tower?

Galileo used the tower of Pisa to illustrate gravity.

In all seriousness, Galileo was a great, great man.

Can't go left there, there are bollards.

Vilified by the church, persecuted.

Why can you not turn left?

As was Marconi, because the church always persecutes people

who come up with scientific solutions.

Not even a proper road, there are umbrellas in there.

And then years later, of course, completely vindicated.

That's telling me to go there, that's telling me I can't.

Oh, hang on. In right here. Go there, go there, go there.

Why do backs sweat so much?

Because you get hot in the car and you're pressed up against leather,

so you're bound to sweat, aren't you?

Yeah, but that's this fashion for leather seats,

never happened with velour.

Jaguar blow cold air through the seats to make your back cool

and I used to think that was an indulgence,

but I might get one now, get a Jag.

Palazzo Lanfranchi. Byron lived here.

Palazzo...Anne Franki?

Lanfranchi.

I thought that was in Amsterdami. Are you sure it's Byron's?

There's no plaque.

Please take a photograph.

I'm just asking why there's no plaque.

I don't know why there's no plaque but please take the photograph.

Ask this lady.

Oh, scusi, sorry. Palazzo Lanfranchi?

-Si, yes.

-Did Byron live here?

No, Byron lived on the other, in the other Palazzo Lanfranchi,

they had so many palaces.

Right, and Shelley, where was...?

Shelley lived over there, where you see the ruins?

There's no palaces any more.

-Si. Si, grazie.

-Arrivederci.

Grazie mille.

Aw, she ignored you.

Where are we going now?

It's in the dossier, the sexed-up dossier in the rear of the car.

OK.

"Set in a wooded hill overlooking the valley below

"in the heart of Tuscany, La Suvera in Pievescola

"is an historic villa full of precious antiques and heirlooms.

Do James Mason.

-AS JAMES MASON:

-"In the heart of Tuscany,

"La Suvera in Pievescola is an historic villa

"full of precious antiques and heirlooms."

Could we now please have Mr Neil Kinnock?

-AS NEIL KINNOCK:

-Oh, all right. "Once a medieval fortress

"and later a papal palace."

That's the best thing you do. That is the best...

-The best thing I do?

-That's the best thing you do.

The sign says go the other way.

Yeah, but the Sat Nav said go this way.

No, I think the signs were right and I'm the navigator.

It would help if we got over 40 miles an hour.

All right. See I changed down then.

Yeah, I loved the crunch sound that you made when you did it as well.

I'm hungry, so let's just stop at the first place we come to.

Oh! Oh, come on, somewhere, please.

You can see things, you can see villages or towns

but you never actually get to them.

Eventually, eventually we'll... I'll sniff one out.

Trattoria Albana.

Thank God for that, food.

Care to explain this?

IN PETE AND DUD VOICE: 'Ere, what are you doing

with the Casanova's autobiography in your sandwich box?

It's just research, that's all.

Just going to plump up the articles with a bit of culture, you know.

This is just extracts. The full thing is 800 pages.

How long was your book? Your autobiography?

I can't remember. 300, 200 and something? 300?

200 of that's got to have been padding.

There's not much padding. I'll be honest with you.

-Have you read it?

-No, of course not, no.

I mean I've skimmed the index in WH Smith's, saved myself the £1.99.

And seeing your name, you weren't tempted to dip in and have a look?

No, I saw it. I just wanted to make sure I got a mention.

Yeah, I speak very highly of you, yes.

I'm sure you do, didn't doubt it, that's why I didn't need to check.

-Prego.

-Grazie.

Ideally he'd open it, but there we are, it's a start.

Yeah, well, you got to pay extra for that.

No, it's good. It's about 300 pages long,

I only go up to winning the British Comedy Award.

For the first time.

Well, how many have you won?

Three.

Really?

-You cheeky bugger.

-Wow.

Look at that genuine shock. Genuine shock, you bastard.

I'm genuinely shocked - three?

Can you mask your genuine shock? There's an idea.

Grazie.

Seven. That's how many.

I thought I'd answer the silent question that was hovering.

-Which is...

-Buono, buono, bene.

What could you possibly write about that could fill,

what was it, 100 pages?

300. 300 pages, I mean, I don't know what you...?

Well, since you asked.

I was born 3rd May, 1965, South Wales, Swansea.

Are these the highlights?

In a little nursing home called, ironically enough, The Bryn,

given the great accolades I would enjoy later in my life

playing a character of that same name.

"Bryn" means "hill" in Welsh, and I've often wondered how different

my life would have been if my mother had chosen instead

the nearby James Bond Home for Expectant Mothers,

so I start with a gag.

And this made the final edition?

My parents were young when they had me, my father a car salesman.

We lived in Baglan, near Port Talbot.

I'm a bit worried there's been crossed wires here

because you seem to have started telling me your life story.

I'm reciting the book.

We're still on page one so settle in.

Have you written yours then?

No. No, I haven't.

I've written the Partridge autobiography -

I, Partridge, We Need to Talk About Alan.

-Do we?

-Yeah. Very successful. I mean very.

Five stars. I don't know if I've seen more five-star reviews.

-Ah.

-Ravioli, pasta.

Remind me at some point to tell you about the time I co-piloted

a fighter jet from RAF Norfolk. Not now but another time.

No, you've already told me that story, on more than one occasion.

No, I probably gave you the bullet points.

-No, it was quite extensive.

-We've got time here so...

No, we haven't. We really haven't.

-This is good.

-You know we're not that far from the hotel,

you know that, don't you? About ten miles.

-I know.

-Because I checked a thing called a map.

That's what they used to use in the olden days, Rob.

Fine, so when we get to the hotel, we'll enjoy the hotel.

Yeah, we could have been eating there now.

This is good, what's wrong with this?

-Nothing wrong with this.

-This is good ravioli.

"He possessed two of the most important ingredients of greatness,

"total self-confidence and super-abundant energy.

"He feared nobody, he was equally at home in a palace or a tavern."

-Tick, tick, tick.

-"A church or a brothel."

-Tick.

"He was totally devoid of a sense of morality, love for him..."

-Well that's not me.

-"..had no connection with evil, it meant pleasure pure and simple."

That's not me I've got a moral compass.

Oh, yes, you have a moral compass, it's just you don't know where it is.

I do have a moral compass and if you gave me three days,

I could find it in the attic.

When was the last time you found yourself wondering,

"Oh, I wonder where my moral compass is?

"I could do with it now."

When I've needed it, I've managed to root it out.

But when? What sort of occasions would they have been?

This is what I'm curious to know.

OK, when I appeared before the Leveson Inquiry,

I think I probably laid my hands on my moral compass then.

Cost me £450,000 in legal fees when I tried to sue News International

and it doesn't make you very popular with certain people.

But you know it's the right thing to do,

so that's why I'm different from Casanova.

Byron had a...17-year-old mistress.

She was married to a 60-year-old nobleman and they all lived together,

everybody knew about it, and of course, they were then exiled

to Pisa because they were fighting for the Carbonari.

-Really?

-Yeah.

I mean I like Carbonara but you know...

-Would you fight for one?

-No.

-No?

No, I mean Italian food's nice but it's not that good.

-Do you know what I'd fight for?

-I'd fight for a curry.

-I might fight after a curry.

-I'd fight for a seafood linguine,

I think, that would get my gander.

Yeah, a good spag bol, I wouldn't fight but you know, I'd...

Stamp your feet?

No, I'd flick someone on the side of their ear, quite painfully.

Flick someone like at school.

Like that, like that. "Ah, fuck off."

Boys at school used to do that, didn't they? I used to hate that.

-Were you a flicker or were you...?

-I was a flicker and a flickee.

I was neither, but I watched at the side

and I saw the flickers and I felt...

I felt what they were doing was wrong and I felt sympathy for the flicked.

And the afflicted?

For the afflicted, yes.

No, I got in there, you know, and I was, you know.

Oh, yeah, you saw injustice and you went in to sort it out.

-I did, you know.

-All right.

Did you front a campaign called Flicked Off?

Protecting the victims of flicking.

-Grazie.

-Prego.

Hello.

Hey, how's it going?

Great, great, we're a bit... Well, it's all right, we're a bit lost.

Oh, dear, well, I'm sorry to hear that.

I'm just calling to remind you that I'm coming out tomorrow.

Oh, great, that's good.

With Yolanda, the photographer.

What, the same photographer as last time?

Yeah, yeah. Is that OK?

Well, who booked her?

I don't know, I think it was the Observer.

Is that a problem? Because I can always try to change it.

No, no, that would be rude.

I'm sure it'll be fine.

All right, great...for you.

All right, well, listen, I'll see you tomorrow.

-Can't wait.

-All right, lovey. Take care, ta-ra.

So our photographer who's coming tomorrow

is the same one we had last time.

-Really?

-Yeah. Yolanda.

The one you slept with?

Yeah.

Is that going to be awkward?

Be interesting.

How do you do it?

Just take your trousers off...

-Serious question.

-And your underpants, socks optional.

I'm seriously asking you, how do you do it?

-It's reputation.

-You're famous?

No, although I don't see any reason to not use everything

you've got in your arsenal.

People say, "Oh, she only slept with you because you're famous."

And you say, "They only slept with you because you're good looking and young."

They sleep with me because of my semi-justified reputation

for being something of a Lothario.

But it was the same with Byron and Shelley, Casanova.

Byron said he felt like he was 60 because he'd had so many affairs,

-36 when he died.

-Yeah, well, he's still...

Ten years younger than us, and a bit.

So we are more than ten years older than him now

when he was complaining about how old he felt.

We're ten years ahead of that.

His girlfriend was still half his age.

When he was in pieces, Shelley fell in love with a 17-year-old.

She was only 17.

-AS MICHAEL CAINE:

-She was only, she was only 16 years old.

AS MICHAEL CAINE: No, she was only 17 years old.

Sounds good.

Do you miss Misha?

Misha was in her mid-20s, you know that, don't you?

Yeah, I'm saying she's younger.

But it's not like a connection with the 17-year-old.

No, I was trying to ask you a serious question

in a sensitive way. Do you miss her?

Yes.

She's the last chance I had to have a real, you know...

We came together through our mutual enthusiasm

for sexual intercourse, and that could easily have evolved

into a family and children and growing old but...

it was not to be.

I try not to think about it really, otherwise I get depressed.

What's the optimum age for a woman, for a man's partner?

-We'll age.

-Most men, mid-20s. 26, maybe?

You know, old enough to be a woman and have a rounded view of life,

but young enough not to have acquired baggage

that they then off load onto you.

As I grow older, I've looked at a photo album the other day,

as I get older in the pictures, my girlfriend stays the same age.

They're like Doctor Whos, they just keep changing.

Would you like to drive, because I've had a lot to drink.

I will drive because I...

But would you drive in an orderly manner, not as if

you're Emerson Fittipaldi taking part in the Paris-Dakar Rally

and not instructing me on how you change down before a corner.

I will neither drive like Emerson Fittipaldi,

neither will I drive like a district nurse.

I will drive briskly but safely.

How do you rate the wild boar?

Very nice, quite aggressive.

An aggressive meat.

-They come at you.

-Yeah.

Once they're on the plate, you're safe, I think, as a rule.

Grazie.

I'll get this, Steve, please.

It's time to play, Guess The Amount.

Contestant today is Steve Coogan.

The Observer's picking up the tab.

Yeah, all right.

Steve comes from the town of Pedantry in the North of England.

Steve, is the amount, A - 76.50 euro,

B - 350 euro,

or C - 2,475,000 euro.

Remember, Steve I can only take your first answer.

A.

Is the right answer, you're going home richer, well done.

Good night, everybody.

That's good. That's the wine as well, everything in there.

-But it is in the middle of nowhere, you know what I mean?

-Yes, I know.

Factor in taxi fares, it would be 300 euro.

MUSIC: "You Oughta Know" by Alanis Morissette

ROB SINGING ALONG: # Is she perverted like me?

# Would she go down on you in a theatre? #

You're stretching all the vowel sounds out. It's very staccato.

"Du, du, du, du, du, du,"

you're doing, "da, da, de da, de da."

Oh, I'm sorry!

"La, la, la." Her whole thing is anger.

Anger comes out like a machine gun, a rapid "da, da, da, da."

Our new coach on the voice, Steve Coogan.

If you've never been angry because a man has dumped you, because...

Well, of course I have. How can you be so insensitive?

Of course I have, and I think you know who he was.

Well, channel it. Channel it.

I think you know only too well which incident I'm referring to.

Look me in the eye and tell me you don't.

# It's not fair to deny me

-STEVE AS ROGER MOORE:

-# And I'm here to remind you

# Of the mess you left when you went away

# It's not fair to remind you... #

Roger Moore sings the very best of Alanis Morissette,

including You Oughta Know.

# You seem very calm

# Things seem peaceful now... #

Oh, like being at home.

Like all your fans.

ROB SINGS: # Cos the love that you gave that we made wasn't able

# To make it enough for you to be open wide

# Open wide! #

She doesn't say open wide again like that, ever.

# Open wide. #

Could we sing it without you correcting me?

# But you're still alive

# And I'm here

# To remind you

# of the mess you left when you went away

# It's not fair

# To deny me

# Of the cross I bear... #

Wow, look at that. Isn't that beautiful?

Yeah.

So you have reserved the Duke of Genoa suite and Napoleon suite.

Which is bigger?

Oh, both are very nice.

-Yeah.

-I think I should have the Napoleon.

-If it's based on height.

-Or complex.

This is your sitting room.

Right.

And this is your bedroom.

You have a beautiful view.

Wow, that is...stunning.

I'm going to show your friend his room.

OK, of course, yeah.

I like your uniform. You look like an air stewardess.

That's, that's...in a good way.

And this is your room.

Amazing.

Yes, it's my favourite room.

Yeah, I'll bet.

Hi, Rob, it's Donna.

I'm just calling to check you got my e-mail with the script pages?

No, I haven't. What is it? What's the part?

It's a really good part. It's a supporting role,

but you're going to be great in it because it's very sympathetic

and people will love you in it, really.

You'll be playing an accountant for the Mob.

Oh, brilliant, all right. Comedy?

No, it's a thriller.

Really, why me?

You're perfect for the part. You look like an accountant,

and also you're totally unknown in America, which is what they want.

Yes, very good.

Yes, you've got to put yourself on tape and e-mail me.

Yeah, I can do that. I can have it with you by tomorrow.

Oh, this is good news, this is exciting.

It is. It is exciting, yeah. How's Steve?

He's fine, he's fine. He's a bit pissed off

about the show ending, but other than that, you know, same as ever.

Che bella palazzo.

It's the sort of place that Byron would have rented.

Ciao, buonasera.

-Buonasera.

-Buonasera.

She's got a lovely gait.

Probably padlocked.

Oh, yes.

There's very little separating Byron from Brydon.

-Yeah.

-Just a D. That's all there is.

Yeah, but the almost anagram of your names

is the only thing that you would have shared, isn't it,

because what Byron represented is probably the antithesis of you,

because he was shaking the tree from the word go,

until when he popped his clogs, and that ain't you, mate. And...

I'm not a risk taker. I'll admit that, although I have played Risk.

And he's a good swimmer.

Again, yeah, yeah.

He struggled with his weight when he was in Italy,

not many people know that about him, he was a bloater.

OK, so maybe now, Rob, we're finding something more solid.

Like him, I am fighting the Carbonara.

Oh, this is lovely.

You could sit here for a good seven or eight minutes more.

MUSIC: "Go No More A-Roving" by Leonard Cohen

AS AL PACINO: You know when I imagined where we'd be,

ten years ago, this is it.

When I imagined where we'd be, ten years ago,

this is what I wanted.

AS DUSTIN HOFFMAN: I love you. I love this city, I love this house.

AS MARLON BRANDO: Now when I imagined where we'd be, ten years ago,

this is what I wanted.

You know. You know.

IN VARIOUS VOICES: You know. You know. You know.

AS WOODY ALLEN: There's too much going on, I can't just close the door

and leave it behind, you know. My head has to be out there.

IN SIGMUND FREUD VOICE: I think it is very unlikely you'll get this part

and you have to come to terms with it I'm afraid, it's very unlikely.

I know.

Well, why you bother then?

Oh, you know, give it a go.

But I think it's very unlikely.

I know.

Then why are you doing it?

AS SEAN CONNERY: Why are you doing it, you fucking idiot?

Because I think I might get it.

I think it's very unlikely that you'll get it.

Why?

Because you are an inferior talent.

Really? You think so.

Yes, I do.

Well, I can hardly hear you.

Why is that?

Because your head is up your fucking arse.

# The night was made for loving

# And the day returns too soon

# Yet we'll go no more a-roving

# by the light of the moon

# We'll go no more a-roving... #