1982 Christmas Special The Two Ronnies

-# Christmas comes but once a year

-It's just as well

# A time for all to have good cheer

# It's that as well

# Christmas comes but once a year

# A bite full of baccy and a belly full of beer

# Our relatives come from far and near... #

Well, you can't have everything, can you?

# Eating the turkey roast Oh, ain't it nice?

-# Round a fire, warm as toast

-Toilet's just like ice

# Too much noise, and too much grub Did they have to shut the pub?

# Roll on Boxing Day

# Oh, but we wouldn't be without it Wouldn't be without it

# Ain't a doubt about it Wouldn't be without it

# Wouldn't be without our Christmas cheer

# Especially around this time of year

# Father's talking politics With his paper hat on

# Mum is going bonkers cos the Christmas cake's been sat on

# Uncle's gone to pieces since he got that jigsaw puzzle

# Auntie Nora bought it him He bought her a muzzle

-# Christmas comes but once a year

-It's just as well

# A time for all to have good cheer

# It's that as well

# Christmas comes but once a year

# A bite full of baccy and a belly full of beer

# Our relatives come from far and near... #

Well, you can't have everything, can you?

-# Newlyweds Lorraine and Don

-Oh, they can't half scoff

-# She wants to have the telly on

-He wants to have it off

# Chocolate papers, cigarette butts I think I'm going crackers and nuts

# Roll on Boxing Day

# Oh, but we wouldn't be without it Wouldn't be without it

# Ain't a doubt about it Wouldn't be without it

# Wouldn't be without our Christmas cheer

# Especially around this time of year

# Gather round for the Christmas speech

# God save the Queen... #

Hooray!

-# Someone mucked the picture up

-Her face is green

-# Can't go out because it's pouring

-Grandma's jawing, Grandad's snoring

# Cat's been sick on the parquet flooring... #

Still, you can't have everything, can you?

# Presents around the Christmas tree, just take your pick

-# Pine needles fall into your tea

-Gives it a kick

# I'll never eat again the rest of me life

# My health's gone sour and so's the wife

# Rabbit-rabbit, rabbit-rabbit Rabbit-rabbit, rabbit-rabbit

# Yak-yak, yak-yak

# We would be without it Wouldn't be without it

# Ain't a doubt about it Wouldn't be without it

# Wouldn't be without our Christmas cheer

# Especially

# Around this time of year. #

CHEERING

-Oh, wotcher, Sid.

-Wotcher, George.

-I got you a pint in, look.

-Oh, lovely, thanks.

I thought you must be round the corner here cos I saw all the others

move into the main bar.

How are your feet, by the way?

There's nothing wrong with my feet.

I'm on the Odour Eaters now.

I had them, once.

Ain't half hard to swallow, aren't they?

Look, there's nothing wrong with my feet, Sidney.

They all went in there to see Chas and Dave.

A special seasonal attraction.

Oh, that's what it was, is it?

I thought the regulars had got drunk earlier than usual this year.

I put it down to Christmas.

They'll be drunk till New Year, once that lot get started.

Eh, that reminds me, have you had your invite yet?

What invite's that?

Invite, New Year's Eve!

The government, as a special bonus,

they're going to throw a street party

for all the unemployed all over Britain. New Year's Eve.

-Is that right?

-Yeah. They're going to hold it up the M1.

Could be a bit dangerous that, George,

you know with all them juggernauts and whatstheirnames.

No, no, it'll be all right

as long as we don't get a table in the fast lane, Sid.

It's a joke, it's a joke!

David Attenborough told it on...Songs of Praise.

Oh, I get it!

Oh, I see, yeah. Yeah, I expect they would,

they'd close it to traffic for the day.

Oh, they would, yes, they would, yeah(!) Give me strength.

Talking about wildlife, George, you know,

I've got a bit of a problem with Lil.

Have you?

Nothing that a good solicitor won't cure, I've told you that before.

It's not that, it's just the other morning, I came down the stairs

and there was an American letter lying on the doormat.

American letter? Oh, dear.

Still, could have been worse, couldn't it, eh?

My cousin Ivy's got a pen pal lives in Paris.

Who was it from?

-Buck.

-Eh?

Buck.

Well, there's no need for... Who?

My American cousin, Buck in El Paso.

Oh, yeah. How is he?

Well, as a matter of fact he's got a bit of a problem and all, you know.

-Has he?

-Cos you know he's a bit of a whatsaname, don't you?

-Who, Buck is?

-Oh, yeah. Bit of an animal lover.

-An animal lover?

-Yeah, well he keeps and breeds these rare species, you see.

-Oh.

And he's moving to a smaller place

and he asked me if I'd like one of his pets, you see.

Well, you know, George, what I'm like about animals, don't you? Eh?

-You know what I mean? Love 'em, don't I?

-Yeah.

That's why I married Lil.

Yeah, I remember, Sidney, I remember.

Yeah, she likes 'em and all.

You proposed to her in a zoo, didn't you?

That's right, that's right.

Well, I thought it might make a nice little surprise present for her,

you see? Seeing as I didn't give her one for Christmas.

Didn't you? That's not like you, Sid.

Anyway, it's a good idea, save you a few bob, an' all, as a present,

-wouldn't it, eh?

-Yeah.

-What kind of a little pet is it?

It's a buffalo.

-Buffalo?

-Yeah, a buffalo.

You're going to give Lil a buffalo?

A great big evil smelling hairy thing like that?

Oh, she's not that bad with a bit of make-up on.

I'm talking about the buffalo, Sid.

You can't keep a buffalo in Croydon.

Why not? Fella next door to you's got a cat.

Yeah, I mean, look at the trouble that causes.

Just imagine if it was a buffalo getting over the fence

and having a go in my rhubarb.

Anyhow, it might escape and meet another female lady buffalo.

Oh, don't be silly, George.

Who else is going to be stupid enough

to have another buffalo in our area?

How about your brother?

Oh, yeah, I forgot about him.

You see, they might breed, mightn't they, eh?

Then before you know where you was,

you'd be up to your neck in breeding buffaloes.

Funny enough, Buck's neighbours weren't too understanding

about that sort of thing. You know, they used to bang on the wall.

Disturb the buffaloes during the mating season.

No consideration, some people, have they?

-How many's he got?

-14.

End of it was he took them all down the communal gardens

for grazing and what have you, you know?

Then this lorry passed and backfired and of course you know

what buffaloes do when they're frightened.

Well, I can imagine, yeah, yeah.

Well, that's what they did, all over Buck.

What a way to go.

-Stampeded.

-Oh, they stampeded and all, did they?

They reckon he was up to his neck in whatsaname.

He would be, yeah.

Plaster.

No, as you say, you see,

even if Lil did get to like it and take to it as a pet, let's face it,

she'd only end up being called Buffalo Lil.

Of course she would, yeah.

It's all right to give her a present

as long as it's something reasonable.

How about a shoal of piranhas?

She's always saying she wants you to give her a surprise in the bath.

I'm right with you, George. The more I think of it,

a buffalo just wouldn't fit in this area, would they?

No, of course you wouldn't. You just follow my example, do as I do,

you can't go far wrong, right? Happy New Year.

There's a blooming great kangaroo

hopping up and down in the road outside.

Blimey, Skippy must have slipped his leash. I'll have to go.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

we are pleased to welcome Mr David Essex singing...

By the way, that is not his real name.

-Isn't it?

-Oh, no.

Only calls himself that because that is where he was born.

I don't believe you.

A lot of people do that, you know?

Julie London, Susannah York, Stratford Johns, Burt Lancaster,

Shirley Anfield.

Ah, no. I know Shirley Anfield, she was not born in Shirley.

-She was born in Luton.

-In a field in Luton.

-Why don't you do that?

-Oh, I daren't.

-Not where I come from.

-Where is that?

Berkhamsted.

Ladies and gentlemen, David Essex.

APPLAUSE

# The nights are colder now

# Maybe I should close the door

# And anyway the snow has covered all your footsteps

# And I can follow you no more

# The fire still burns at night

# My memories are warm and clear

# But everybody knows it's hard to be alone at this time of year

# It was only a winter's tale

# Just another winter's tale

# And why should the world take notice

# Of one more love that's failed?

# A love that could never be

# Though it meant a lot to you and me

# On a world-wide scale, we're just another winter's tale

# While I stand alone

# A bell is ringing far away

# I wonder if you hear I wonder if you're listening

# I wonder where you are today

# Good luck, I wish you well

# For all that wishes may be worth

# I hope that love and strength

# Are with you for the length of your time on Earth

# It was only a winter's tale

# Just another winter's tale

# And why should the world take notice

# Of one more love that's failed?

# A love that could never be

# Though it meant a lot to you and me

# On a world-wide scale

# We're just another winter's tale

# It was only a winter's tale

# Just another winter's tale

# And why should the world take notice

# Of one more love that's failed?

# A love that could never be

# Though it meant a lot to you and me

# On a world-wide scale

# We're just another winter's tale. #

APPLAUSE

Thank you very much. Thank you.

I haven't actually been here myself before but I hear some frightfully

good reports about it.

They are doing some rather interesting things.

I wanted, anyway, my dear,

to bring you to a place that has a certain sort of ambience.

You mean atmosphere?

Atmosphere, dear. Yes. Ambience.

HE SLURPS

Ah.

The food, of course, is de rigueur, but so too is the decor,

the whole surroundings, you know, the ambience.

HE TAPS BOWL LOUDLY

Ah! HE SLURPS

I like a place that has a certain sort of elegance,

as our French cousins would say, you know?

One likes an aura of...

HE BELCHES Oh, dear.

HE BELCHES

..Of sophistication.

I absolutely demand, er...

Waiter.

Waiter? ..Top-quality service and, erm...

All done by the region, you know?

-Yes.

-I mean, the place does have a certain, erm...

The place does have a certain...

How can I put it?

-Ambience.

-You notice it too, do you?

Oi! Garcon!

Where's the sauce? You know I like flipping sauce.

I've only got one pair of hands, you know?

Flipping sauce.

Has a certain sort of standard, you know? A sort of je ne sais quoi.

Oh, look at her, look at her! Wahey!

-Very nice, too.

-Waitress?

-They don't rush you at all, do they?

-No, they certainly don't.

Oh, manners.

Waiter, I think we're ready to order now.

You're going to have the...

I'm afraid I shall have to ask you to leave, sir.

-What? Why?

-You aren't wearing a tie.

You're asking me to leave because I'm not wearing a tie,

you're letting him stay although he has the table manners

of a demented warthog on heat?

-Yes, sir.

-Well, I'm sorry, but I demand to speak to the manager.

Certainly. Mr Ferguson?

Yeah, what's the matter, what's the matter?

APPLAUSE

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Tonight I've been asked to be brief.

And...they don't come much briefer.

Our producer actually is a man can't stand rambling.

He's a little bit fragile, had a little bit too much, you know...

at the BBC party.

A little too much senna pod punch.

No, I joke. No, he is actually one of the few people I know

who can pickle onions by breathing on them.

And he is obsessed with gadgets.

When he goes out of his office,

he leaves his swivel chair on automatic pilot.

He has a solar heating panel at home which is so sensitive

that when Esther Rantzen smiles on television, the kettle boils.

Actually, it's funny...

It's funny I should mention the Christmas party just like that,

you know, because it was at the Christmas party

that I heard the joke I'm going to tell you tonight.

Now, once again, I'm afraid, it's not much of a joke.

But then it wasn't much of a party!

To give you an idea of how cheapskate the BBC have now become,

there's a 10% service charge on the coffee vending machine.

The party, as usual, was held in the studio, you know,

Studio One next door.

In fact, during the afternoon, it had been used for Panorama

and they were still sweeping up after Michael Foot.

No, he was being...

It's not been seen yet, the show.

He was being interviewed about his appearance in general,

and the rumour that the moths in his jacket

had applied for a home improvement grant.

I'll be honest, it was a little bit of a dull affair, this party.

After 10 minutes, the Britvic barrel had run dry...

..and, as usual, the BBC hadn't provided any records at all

for the record player so we had to dance to a doughnut.

Anyway, all of a sudden more people turned up than expected

so they brought in their emergency plan to make the food go further.

They got Big Daddy to sit on the crisps.

Incidentally, talking of my wife and children, please, I almost forgot,

a little wave to my youngest daughter.

Thank you for the lovely new string vest you bought Daddy for Christmas.

Stop worrying. She's worried. Worrying it's the wrong size.

Stop worrying, dear. I'm wearing it now. Look.

No, we all like to know our gifts are appreciated, and,

I've got to be honest, at the moment I'm in the doghouse at home.

My bedroom's being redecorated.

However, I was telling you about the BBC party.

Now, it was all a bit quiet...

at this party because, over in the corner,

Percy Edwards was nesting in a bowl of Twiglets...

..and it was at this point I happened to run into my agent

who I'm very, very fond of, who found me years ago,

to be honest, working in obscurity.

I was a resident MC in a confessional box.

To be...

To be honest, things aren't all that much better now.

The other day, I was booed off a speak-your-weight machine.

But I digress. Now, here's the joke my agent told me at the party.

And it's the one about the two men who work for London Transport.

That's not the joke, by the way. I wouldn't make any unkind jests.

No, no. Let's not make any unkind jests about London Transport

because, let's face it,

they're doing their best to get us back on our feet.

Now, one night, these two chaps come out of the pub, you see,

after a somewhat boisterous late-night party.

The landlord had an extension, which we won't dwell on.

And they find the car won't start, you see?

So, quick as a flash, the first one says...

Or was it the second one?

Anyway, he says, "Duh...

"Why don't we go to the bus station," he says.

Because he's not stupid, this chap.

Just thick. He said, "Let's go to the bus station,"

one of them says, "And borrow a bus."

"Good idea," says the other one.

"We'll borrow a bus and drive home in that."

I don't think they'd have got

too much out of Smiley's People, these two, by the way.

So they walk down to the road to the bus depot

which is all shut up for the night,

and a minute later, there they are, in the garage,

deciding which of the buses to drive home.

And after they look around for a minute, the first one says,

"Um, ain't that just our luck," he says,

"There isn't a single 71 among the lot of them."

And the other...

And the other one says, "How stupid can you get?

He says, "How stupid can you get?

"All we've got to do is take a 92 and get off at the roundabout."

HANDBELL MUSIC

HORSE-DRAWN CARRIAGE APPROACHES

DISCORDANT BELLS

MUSIC: Deck The Halls

DING-DONG MELODY

MELODY CHANGES KEY

DING-DONG

Ah.

Ah. We're enjoying it immensely.

I have a house party with me for the weekend.

BELL RINGS

It's for you, sir.

Hello?

Oh, right. By all means, certainly. Thank you.

It's the BBC saying could we make this the last carol

because they want to get on with the next item of the programme.

Would you care to join us in a carol, sir?

I'd be more than delighted, my dear.

Oh, thank you.

My, but it's cold, to be sure.

MUSIC: Good King Wenceslas

DINGDONG

That's great, isn't it(?)

I come home, I've got to go straight back again.

You promised Sandra you'd bring the tree.

You're late home from the office party and you've forgotten it.

Of course I'm late.

I'm the boss, I'm the host - it's staff relations.

Yeah, what about your own relations? You don't think about them.

Oh, there, there, Sandra. Look! Look at her crying.

-Shut up. And hurry back.

-Hurry back? What for?

-What kind of a life do I have?

-Better than you deserve.

Do you know, sometimes I don't know why I married you.

Nor do I. You'd have done better with Edgar Wintlow.

I probably would!

20 miles for a flaming damn Christmas tree!

Roll on Easter.

I'll skin the so-and-so who sold me them doors.

MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO

'We interrupt this programme with a warning to motorists.

'We're receiving reports of strange lights in the sky over a wide area.'

You want to take more water with it, my son.

'In the Home Counties,

'unusual electrical interference is also causing...'

RADIO STATIC

Oh, interfere with yourself!

RADIO OFF

'There have also been reports of radios switching themselves back on.

'The Air Ministry spokesman has refused to...'

ELECTRICAL DISTORTION

Typical. I've just had this serviced!

Oh, I know what they've done. They've gone and put two-star in.

There was nothing about THIS on the forecast.

Basildon?

Basildon? It's Christmas Eve.

Why would I be going to Basildon?

Anyhow, my motor's snuffed it.

Snuffed it?

Looks all right to me.

-ENGINE STARTS

-There we are.

-There we go.

-Oh, very smooth.

Been going to evening classes, have you?

Where are you from then?

You wouldn't believe me if I told you.

All right, don't tell me, then.

Well, if you want to know,

I'm from a small planet in the system Cassiopeia.

Alpha Drogon. In the outer ring of the Andromeda galaxy.

Oh.

Very nice. What's your name?

Ted.

That's a bit ordinary, isn't it?

I would've thought if you'd come from right up there,

you'd be called Thrag or Squogloff or something.

No, we're all called Ted.

So what are you doing in this neck of the woods, then, Ted?

Well, I missed my spaceship.

Ah. And where was that bound?

Basildon.

(Ask a silly question.)

Do you fancy a roll-up?

Now, listen, mush, if you're extra terrestrial, I am the Pope.

Oh, that's a turn up.

So, in that case, this is the Popemobile, is it?

If you start extracting the Michael, son, out you get, right?

Look, I'm ET, straight up.

Well, straight up and a bit to the left, you know?

This is a close encounter you are having.

And we all know what kind. Take your hands off my knee.

Look, I'm kosher. I'm a master of the secrets of the universe.

Prove it.

Take a card.

Take a card?!

All right, ask me a question.

Go on, anything you like. Something profound.

What is the meaning of Stonehenge?

Nice one, nice one.

Very simple, that. Doddle.

You know these exhaust centres where you go in and the bloke says,

"Put it up on the ramp"? Same thing...only for flying saucers.

Right, that's it, that's it. Enough's enough. Come on.

Out of it. Out of it.

Go on, you can walk back to Basildon yourself.

Come on, come on. Be shrewd, be shrewd.

I've got my transporter. I can beam you up, Scotty.

I don't want to go up Scotty.

I'm going to go back to my office to collect the Christmas tree,

all right? So you can transport yourself back to Basildon.

-And good luck.

-Wait a minute!

No, it's a time transporter.

Take you back 100 years.

Plenty of trees, no problem.

Oh, pull the other... Argh!

Blimey. It's a British Rail winter break weekend.

Don't worry, it's the ice age. It often happens.

I must have come back 100,000 years by mistake.

ROARING

What's that?

Well, it's not a brass monkey, that's for sure.

Let's get out of here.

See?

100 years ago, 1882, Christmas trees everywhere.

Where's my car?

Oh, dear, I must have left it in the ice age.

Never mind, they can always invent the wheel

and the XJ6 at the same time.

Ah, here's a good one.

Oi! You there!

-I know that bloke.

-Ugly looking article, isn't he?

That's my great-grandfather.

Hey, he used to be a gamekeeper. We've got photos of him.

Hey, Great Grandad, it's me, little Sydney.

Stay where you are, you blackguard!

I must go over and introduce myself!

-No!

-Damn poachers.

-Come on, run.

Stop or I'll shoot.

I'll set the dog on you, you ruffians.

HE HOWLS

Here.

-This is where I live. Is it 1982?

-Yes.

-Who's got the tree?

-I have.

-It's enormous.

-Well, it's grown.

100 years.

Never mind all that. I'm just glad to be home, that's all.

Yvonne will be wondering where I am.

The fact is, I don't think she will be.

What's this? Edgar Whitlow?

Get off her. Get off my missus.

Yvonne!

They don't seem to be paying any attention to me.

Sorry about that. You don't exist.

-What?

-Well, it's our fault, really.

We ran away and your great grandad had an accident jumping that fence.

What kind of accident?

A very nasty accident.

Consequently your great grandad never had your grandad

and your grandad, needless to say, never had your dad.

And your dad, since he didn't exist, of course, never had you.

You aren't, I'm afraid, old son.

-Aren't what?

-Aren't nothing, I'm afraid.

But my Yvonne. And my little Sandra.

Where's Sandra? Who's this lot?

I'm afraid your Yvonne and Edgar Whitlow begat those.

Once Edgar Whitlow began to begat, he went to begot a lot.

My wife married a sex maniac.

Well, we could all say that, old boy.

-Where are they now?

-Well, they've popped upstairs for a moment.

But I want my little Yvonne, I want my little Sandra!

I want my little home.

You weren't saying that earlier on in the evening.

You should have counted your blessings when you had them.

-Well, I'm off.

-What?

-Looks like my minicab's here.

-Don't leave me here.

You're not here, mate. You don't exist.

Why can't we go back 100 years and make great grandad well again?

Go back 101, knock the fence down, more like it.

Aren't you going to take me, then?

Sorry, mate. I'm due the other side of the galaxy in half an hour.

Well, that time transporter thing, chuck it down!

How long have you been there?

Oh, what a horrible bump.

-Well, I...

-Poor thing. Come on.

-Let's get you in.

-Oh.

Come on.

Oh.

Here, where's that ruddy Edgar Whitlow?

Edgar? I don't know. At home, I suppose.

And where's Sandra?

Hello, Dad.

Are there eight little boys in there?

Where?

Where's the tree?

Tree?

Didn't I come back with a big tree?

You've just been in the garage, love.

Your father's not quite right, Sandra.

It's that bump on the head, love. It's made you a bit senseless.

On the contrary, Eve,

I think it's finally returned me to my senses.

-Happy Christmas, darling.

-Hello, hello, hello.

Come on, put her down now. Hey, want a Christmas tree?

-We've got two by mistake.

-Oh, that's very nice, isn't it?

Look at that. Thanks, Edgar.

-A tree! A tree!

-They said there's going to be snow in the forecast.

Oh, and there's the carol singers.

THEY SING GOD REST YOU MERRY, GENTLEMEN

Mistletoe. May I?

Yeah, help yourself. As long as it's not eight times!

Right, let's get this load of scrap to Basildon.

KNOCK AT DOOR Come in.

-Morning.

-Good morning. Good morning.

Are you Dr Spalding, the specialist who helps people with bad memories?

Excuse me a moment, would you?

Yes, I am, yes.

Yes, now what seems to be the problem?

-I can't remember.

-Oh. Well, then how can I cure you?

No, I mean I don't mean I can't remember.

I mean that is my problem.

-You know, I keep forgetting things.

-Oh. What sort of things?

I can't remember.

How long have you been having this problem?

-What problem?

-This is getting us nowhere.

Why don't I take your personal details - name, address and so on -

and then, after that, we can discuss your problem?

-Excellent.

-Right.

Well, I'll be getting along.

I knew there was something.

I was trying to remember my name.

Oh, of course you were.

It'll be in my appointments diary, won't it?

-What?

-Of course it will. Let's have a look.

Must be in here somewhere. Ah, yes, here we are. Yes.

According to this, you are April 1st.

My God, I must be the Queen of England.

No, that would be silly, wouldn't it?

I know what you could do, why don't you ring your wife

and then she would tell you what your name is?

That's a good idea. I shall ring my wife because she has the same number

-as I have.

-Oh, what's that?

How should I know? Anyway, I'll ring directory enquiries.

Hello, can you give me my telephone number, please?

-Oh, thank you very much.

-Any luck?

Yes, apparently it's 9.45am, precisely.

Hello?

Guess who? Who? Good gracious.

-Did they tell you?

-Yes, apparently I'm someone called Thunder Thighs.

We're getting somewhere, aren't we?

Now, Mr Thunder Thighs, where were you born?

-It's very difficult to say.

-Oh, that place in Wales, you mean?

That one? Yes, it is damn difficult to say.

I'll just put Cardiff, I think.

Cardiff. Sex?

Funnily enough, I was looking at that this morning,

I made a note of it.

It's completely gone.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Completely gone.

Right, while we're trying to find out what sex you are,

why don't we have a drink?

-What? What a good idea. What have you got?

-Well, at the moment,

I've got a very severe case of amnesia.

-Well, might as well open that.

-Yes.

I know what you'd really like.

Why don't we have a nice...

A nice... Oh, dear, what are they called?

My secretary gives it to me every afternoon at four o'clock.

It's in a cup.

A bosom?

A bosom!

How about a nice bosom to warm you up, yes?

-I'd love that.

-Oh, good. Black or white?

-White, please.

-White?

Oh, well I'll have the same.

Then we shan't have to split a set, shall we?

Miss Thing, Miss Thing.

We'd like two bosoms, please.

Could you bring them in straight away?

Yes. No milk in mine.

Good heavens.

Good heavens, you're not wearing any...

Not you, Miss Thing, I'm talking to this gentleman.

You're not wearing any of those...

What of the...? What are they called?

The things... You know, those. You're not wearing any of those...

What you put on in the morning.

-Kettle?

-No.

-Before that.

-Terry Wogan.

No.

-What are the things that go up your leg?

-Dogs.

Something that does up?

-Does up? A charlady?

-A charlady.

Yes, well, something like a charlady.

An au pair. An au pair.

A dog's au pair. Well, not a dog's au pair.

I mean, I had a dog called Towser once.

It's an au pair of Towser's.

An au pair of Towser's. An old pair of trousers.

Goodness me. You're not wearing any either.

Good heavens. So I'm not.

This calls for shock therapy.

Shock therapy?

Now, sit down there and face front.

Now, very soon I'm going to go...

-WAA!

-Oh!

You're right, it's worked! It's all came back,

I've remembered who I am.

I'm the Secretary of State for Employment.

-I should forget that again, if I were you.

-I beg your pardon...

-BOO!

-Oh! It's worked with me too.

My memory has returned completely!

Goodness me. Do you know, I even remember what sex I am.

Oh, and shall I tell you something?

-What's that?

-I remembered what sex I am, darling.

-Forget it!

-Forget what?

Forget what?

Well, ladies and gentlemen, that's the end of our Christmas show.

We'd like to thank our special guest David Essex,

the charming actress Brigit Forsyth

and everyone else concerned in the making of the show.

We thoroughly enjoyed ourselves and we hope you have.

Yes, I'm afraid we won't be seeing you again until next year,

but to tide us over, the BBC

have very kindly given us a steady job starting tonight.

-So it's a merry Christmas from me.

-And it's a happy New Year from him.

BOTH: Good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media