Love and Marriage The Vicar of Dibley

# The Lord is my shepherd

I shall not want

# He maketh me to lie down

in green pastures

# He lea-ea-eadeth me

# Beside the still waters...

# ..Still waters. #

Sorry. Where are we?

Voting

on a name for the new road.

Good.

So long as we don't name it after

any of us.

I hate self-publicity.

What's the suggestion?

David Horton Road.

Oh, please!

In the name of all that is holy, NO.

I agree with the vicar on this.

Very poor idea, Hugo.

I'd rather name it in memory

of someone who is no longer with us.

Someone like, say...my predecessor

as chairman of the parish council.

Excellent!

Your predecessor...

Your father's cousin?

Whose name was?

David Horton. That's right.

All those in favour

of naming it

David Horton Road

after my predecessor...?

Carried.

Now, Vicar,

you had a couple of things?

Yes.

By the next time we meet,

Hugo here will have married the

lovely Alice Tinker.

That's right.

Dibley's answer to Michelle

Pfeiffer, only much, much prettier.

This is an ideal opportunity

to offer him a few words

of encouragement. Anyone?

Well, certainly. Yes. I've not known

what it is to be married, Hugo,

but I still hope to plant my seed

in a certain acreage of womanhood.

But I reckon if you treat Alice

like I treat my prize cow,

you won't go far wrong...

apart from making her eat grass

and getting her mounted by a bull,

of course.

If you do that, you'll get arrested,

like my father was.

Well, that's very helpful, Owen.

Any words of wisdom from you, Jim?

I-I've been married 43 years,

and the secret

of a successful marriage, Hugo,

is sex and plenty of it.

Well, hooray.

With as many different women

as possible.

Oh, no.

Especially Orientals, cos they can..

Thank you. That's quite enough.

..What about you, Frank?

I've never had sex with an Oriental.

I meant have you any words

of advice?

I can do no better than read

from this week's horoscope.

"Libra - romance is in the air,

"and happiness shall

be yours eternally."

That's absolutely splendid.

Yes.

Except you're Capricorn.

Right.

"Capricorn - forget romance, you

are heading for total catastrophe."

Good Lord! This is totally out of

the blue, Your Grace. I don't know.

I'm aware of the importance

of inner-city work,

and I've always

wanted to do missionary stuff.

You know how fond I am

of all things missionary.

It's just... Oh, dear. It really

would be very hard to leave Dibley.

Ding-dong, Avon calling!

Or rather, ding-dong,

On the other hand, leave it with me.

OK. Bye. And love to Rocky. ..OK.

So, what can I do for you,

quivering bride-to-be?

Well, Mum's making my wedding dress.

Mmm.

I want to run it by you

before she actually starts knitting.

Knitting...

As you can see, we're going for

the traditional white.

Good idea.

With red and blue stripes, just

to give it that British look.

Right.

Hence the policeman's helmet, also?

Yeah.

Right.

And the Flopsy bunnies,

will they work?

Definitely.

They balance out Tarka the otter.

It would look very odd

with just an otter.

Yes. Well, that I don't deny.

And then for my train, she thought..

Thomas the tank engine.

Right.

Along with Percy and Gordon.

It's quite a lot to pull up

the aisle - three steam engines.

No, they'll be very light.

She's making them out of lino.

What do you think?

Can I be brutally honest?

As brutally honest as you want.

As long as you don't say anything

nasty or critical.

Well, working

within those particular parameters,

I love this dress.

Oh, Brillo Pads!

Excuse me.

Mrs Alice Horton.

David, Hugo, come on in.

Hello, husband-to-be.

Hello, wife-to-be.

Hello, father-in-law-to-be.

Hello, Miss Tinker.

Tea, Alice?

OK.

Bye-bye, Daddio. Doo-doo.

It's like the planet of the Clangers

in here.

I've invited a lot of family and

friends,

so I want to make sure this

wedding's not a total embarrassment.

Oh, fear not. Hugo and I have kept

a very careful eye on things.

Yes.

All the catering is sorted out.

Good old Burger King.

Yes.

Can't have too many gherkins

at a wedding.

And we've been tweaking your speech.

Yes, your joke about the Australian

stung by a snake on his todger.

I'll just go and help Alice.

Would you like to sit down?

Oh, my God!

Please tell me

she's not wearing this!

No, that's just a drawing.

She'll be wearing the finished

dress,

She'll be wearing the finished

dress,

She'll be wearing the finished

dress,

She'll be wearing the finished

dress,

sculpted from only the

finest-quality wool and linoleum.

And what's that?

That is Bobby Moore

receiving the World Cup in 1966.

If she wears this dress, I am not

coming! This is just what I feared.

Vicar, I will see you at drinks

on Tuesday,

by when I expect to hear

that changes have been made.

Oh, when he kisses me

I go all goose-pimply,

like a great big pimply goose.

Oh, it's all going to be so perfect!

I have been having second thoughts

about this dress.

Really? You think I should go nude?

No.

It's a thought.

I just think it should be simpler.

Oh, you mean like lots of hearts

or something?

Yeah.

With a different Dr Who in each one?

NO.

Hi. Welcome to the party. Come in.

Let me take your coat.

Oh, great.

Nice blouse!

Oh, thank you. My mum

knocked it up from some curtains.

Fun.

Hello, Vicar.

Hello, Hugo.

I got so lucky. SO many girls

don't have any dress sense at all.

Oh, God. I've forgotten

to put my make-up on. ..Oh, hell.

Who cares? It's the woman inside

that counts, eh, Ali-pally?

Every time, Vic-stick.

BOTH: Girl power!

Geraldine, I'd like you

to meet my little brother Simon.

Well, hello.

Would you excuse me just, er...?

Move it!

..Hi, I'm Geraldine!

Yes, I've heard you on the radio.

It's very amusing.

Was I? Oh, was I?

A very funny story about the

choirboy and the cucumber.

Thanks.

So, you're the prodigal brother.

In what way prodigal?

Too much drink. Too much sex.

Too little responsibility.

Ah-huh-ha.

Well, that's my kind of prodigal.

So, here we are - total

strangers trying to find out

more about each other.

So just plucking a question totally

at random - are you married?

No, my wife died six years ago.

Good...God! How awful.

Yeah, well, it's a long time now.

So, is there another special lady

in your life at the moment?

No.

But you'd like one!

Yes, I'd love one.

Point me towards a buxom blonde

and I'd be out of that door like

a bullet out of a great big gun.

Blonde... Right. Blonde...

Well, I suppose blondes

are valuable people too.

I'm looking forward to

the rehearsal.

You're coming?

Wild

dinosaurs wouldn't keep me away.

I want to see you in action, Vicar.

Oh, please, just call me Geraldine.

Hey, just call me Gerry!

Actually, forget the ruddy vowels,

just call me Grr.

Grr, it is.

# De-de de de de DE... #

Hello, Jim. Come on in.

What can I do for you

this merry day?

There's something

I'd like to try out on you.

Oi-oi.

It's my best-man speech.

Nothing I'd like better!

Right, well... Ladies and gentlemen,

pray silence for the best man.

I would like to begin

with a quotation

from that great song of Abba's.

Kn-Kn-Kno... Kn-Kn-Kno...

Knowing me...

Kn-Kn-Kno... Kn-Kn-Kno...

Knowing you...

I'm going for some water from the

kitchen. I'll still be listening.

Right.

Know... Know... Know...

Knowing me...

Know... Know... Know...

Knowing you...

Ah-ha...

There is nothing we can do

We just have to face it

this time

We are through

Now I hear you saying

Why has he chosen

Know... Know... Know... Know...

Knowing me?

Just going to get a biscuit as well.

Know... Know... Know...

Knowing you.

Surely, that song is about divorce?

Right!

But that is my point.

You see, know...know...know...

know...know...knowing Hugo

and know...know...know...

know...know...knowing Alice,

I am sure, unlike Abba,

they will never divorce.

She said ten. I can't imagine

what's held her up.

Morning.

Morning.

Simon not here?

No, something else came up.

Oh.

Right. Some dinosaurs perhaps.

Pardon?

Nothing.

Right. Let's get started,

shall we?

Jim, have you got the ring?

No, I haven't.

No, I know you haven't got it now,

but you will have it on the day?

That's right.

Right. So...

Have you got the ring?

No. I'll have it on the day.

Right. Moving on, then.

Owen, it's a wedding video.

It's not Schindler's List.

Oh, Alice, this one's filthy!

Sorry. Please excuse me. I've got

to get ready for evensong.

Right.

I-I'll leave you to it. ..Oh,

hello, Uncle Simon.

Hi, bog brush.

I'm sorry I missed the rehearsal.

It's that bloody motorway.

Don't worry.

Shall I help you with that?

No, I do it every day.

Actually, if you could help

at the back... Thanks.

Well, hello! Blondie!

What this? This is just a whim,

just a whimsical whim.

That's me for you - born whimy.

I planned to go out for dinner this

evening, get away from big brother.

I was wondering, would you join me?

Yeah, wouldn't mind.

Don't forget my hen party tonight,

Geraldine. I'll be round at eight.

Ah. God obviously hates me.

Another day.

Another day.

How about tomorrow?

I have to get back to Liverpool

straight after the reception.

Liverpool?

Yes,

I'm "your friend in the north."

Oh, blondie...

I'll see you at the wedding.

Now I'm anybody's!

This is the best party I've ever

been to in my whole life.

Is it?

Me too. It's wild, isn't it?

Everybody's been so nice,

haven't they?

I can't imagine a better best man

than Jim.

I think his speech

is going to be a real highlight.

Oh, dear Frank agreeing

to give me away!

Yes.

It would have been nice

to have had Mr Horton,

being my actual biological father,

but for obvious reasons

that's not possible.

Sorry, sorry. Just slipped

into a parallel universe

where nothing made sense.

You said Mr Horton was your father.

Yes. He didn't bring me up,

but Mum said that one night

they had a "stand" together

and

that makes him my biological father.

Gateway to hell wide open now.

I suppose that's one reason Hugo and

me get on so well - being related.

Nobody would know...

..until the day

the first child was born...

with eight legs...

and webbed feet...

and fur.

And there she is.

Our first glimpse of the vicar

on this very special wedding day.

What are you doing?

Are you all right, Vicar?

I'm just a

bit off-colour. I've a cold coming.

Like me to rub

some Vick on your chest?

No, that won't be necessary.

Shame.

Owen, I'm going

to have to cancel the wedding.

Because of a sniffle?

No, because I just found out

last night

that Alice's

biological father is David Horton.

That's right. What's the problem?

Sorry? Has the British

legal and ethical system

entirely bypassed Dibley?

David Horton!

You do know who I mean?

Yes. The cousin

of our David Horton's father.

His predecessor on the council.

Dirty Dave Horton,

the stud of Stadhampton.

Oh, right! Right! Obviously!

Oh, Owen.

I love you.

Shall we go to bed, then?

No.

Oh, I'd better hurry.

ORGAN PLAYS "HERE COMES THE BRIDE"

We come together to witness

the marriage of Alice and Hugo.

Before we begin, we'll sing

one of Alice's favourite hymns.

I say "hymn"...

# Come a little bit closer, baby

Get it on, get it on tonight

# Tonight

# When two become o-one

# I need some love like I've

never needed love before...

# I wanna make love to you, baby!

# Now I'm back for more...

I wanna make love to you, baby

# Set your spirit free

# It's the only way to be-e-e-e. #

If any person here knows

of any just cause or impediment

why these two should not

be joined together in matrimony,

let them speak now

or forever hold their peace.

I do.

The groom is already married.

He married me three years ago,

and don't let him deny it.

I've got the marriage certificate

to prove it.

Oh, sorry. Wrong church.

Have you got the ring?

Yes.

No.

Right.

With this ring, I thee wed.

With this ring...

..I thee wed.

With my body, I thee worship.

W-W-W-W...

Repeat after me -

I, Alice Springs Tinker...

..take thee, Hugo Horton...

..take thee, Hugo Horton...

..to be my lawful wedded husband...

..to be my lawful wedded husband,

to have and to hold...

..to have and to hold...

..from this day forward...

..for richer, for poorer...

..for better, for worse,

till death us do part. Amen.

..in sickness and in health...

Yes, in that too.

I know true love when I see it,

and I saw it in this pair

from the moment I arrived in Dibley.

I also know true insanity.

I think I've had a little glimpse

of that too.

And so, by the power vested in me,

I now pronounce you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

No, Jim.

Not you.

# Wild thing

You make my heart sing

# You make everything...groovy. #

Splendid service, Vicar.

I'll throw my bouquet. Ready?

I wonder who the next bride will be.

Don't tell me you believe

in all that superstitious nonsense.

Ah! Gosh.

Looks like it's me.

Here we are.

Oh, thank you.

Ahem.

While Alice and Hugo are getting

ready,

I'd like to make

a small announcement.

A speech for every occasion, eh?

I'd just like to say that today

was a very special wedding for me

because I am, in fact,

going to be leaving Dibley.

So it was my last marriage here.

I'm going to miss you all to bits,

obviously.

It's just that I feel the real

problems are in the inner cities,

so I'm going to a new parish

in Liverpool.

And I happen to know

a couple of tall people there,

so I think the whole experience

will be very satisfying.

Thank you.

Vicar, for the first time in my life

I'm speechless.

Well, not the first time.

As a baby, I was speechless,

obviously.

And in 1972, I lost my voice

for a day,

so in a sense

I was speechless then...

Dear Frank.

You're the best vicar

we've ever had.

Thank you.

All the others were ugly bastards.

You're a very tender human being.

You've been just wonderful,

and after you we want another woman

vicar...

Turned you into a feminist!

..with a lovely arse, like yours.

I spoke too soon.

So you're becoming a Liver bird.

It's gonna be great.

What a cruel sod Fate is. David's

asked me to run the estate for him.

I shall be moving to Dibley.

Really?

Dibley?

It's such a pity. We could have

really got to know each other good.

Excuse me.

Sorry.

Just another teeny change of plan.

Vicar.

Sod it, I'll tell you later.

Big hand for the bride and groom,

who are in their going-away gear!

We're off to Barbados.

Quite amusing, actually. I've put a

little firework in the exhaust pipe.

No, no, no? So did I.

Oh, dear. Me too.

I must say, I think marriage looks

rather good fun, don't you, Vicar?

Well, don't quote me on it,

but, er...yes, I do.

So, the man from McDonald's goes

to the Pope and says,

"Holy Father,

I have a proposition for you.

"I will give the Church

a million quid

"if every time you say

the Lord's Prayer,

you say 'Give us

this day our daily hamburger.' "

Mm.

The Holy Father thinks about this

and he says,

"My son,

I cannot change the holy text."

So the man says, "OK.

50 million quid."

So the Pope says,

"I'll put it to the cardinals."

So he says to his cardinals, "I've

some good news and some bad news.

"The good news is that I can get

the Church 50 million smackeroonies.

"The bad news is we'll have to lose

the contract with Wonderloaf."

You see, cos they already had

a deal going...

Over the daily bread.

Do you get it?

Brilliant.

Oh, you get it. What a relief!

Stay.