Winter The Vicar of Dibley

# The Lord is my shepherd I shall not want

# He maketh me to lie down in green pastures

# He leadeth me

# To silent, still water

# Still water. #

Sorry I'm late, everyone, I was glued to the footie.

With digital you can choose your own angles.

I've just watched it in front of Ginola's shorts.

-I was glued to the telly as well.

-Are you a footie fan, Jim?

No, no, no. I mean I was actually glued to the telly.

I was trying to build an Airfix model of the spaceship Enterprise

and I had a bit of spillage.

-How did you get unstuck?

-Well, I didn't.

Right, let's get started. First thing on the agenda

is this year's Christmas show.

Now, last year was a disappointment.

-Your juggling, Owen.

-No-one's juggled with live puppies before.

-Or since.

-I only dropped a couple!

We need this year's show to be a triumph. It is the millennium -

-2,000 years since Jesus' birth.

-Well, we're one step ahead of you.

Over to you, Hugo.

Well, six months ago, the vicar approached me, Frank and Jim...

..to form a Christmas show subcommittee

to come up with big ideas.

We've been meeting once a fortnight and we're pretty excited

because this week we had a breakthrough.

What's that?

-We've agreed the date of the first full meeting.

-Right, when's that?

February 10th.

-Next year?

-Yes.

-2000?

-Yes.

-After Christmas?

-Yes.

Hugo, we want this to be the best Christmas ever.

-And we don't have a show.

-Sorry.

I could juggle with kittens.

They don't mind being dropped.

-How do you know?

-Experience.

-Moving swiftly on.

-All we need is one of us to come up with one idea for the best Christmas show ever.

By tomorrow.

Mmm.

I've got it. I've darn well got it!

Well done.

Listen, Christmas is all about the baby Jesus, isn't it?

Yes, and I warn you to be careful before you suggest juggling babies.

On second thoughts, perhaps I haven't got it.

Yes, of course, bishop, our show will be very, very special indeed.

We haven't decided, but I'm sure the best idea is round the corner.

Nice to see me, to see me nice!

Spoke too soon on that one.

I'll speak to you in January, then.

Oh, love to Julio, by the way.

And Juan too. Has his nasty piercing infection cleared up?

OK, bye.

How's it going, lady of the lump?

-Weird. I can feel it moving around.

-Ooh!

You've never had anything moving around inside you, have you?

Not a baby, no.

It's amazing. It's almost as if it's alive.

But it IS alive, Alice.

Oh, yeah. Oh, brillo!

Do you mind if I just get on? Got a bit of a Christmas crisis.

I'll just sit here, then. Get out your way. Get my breath back.

Right, I'll just get my stuff, then.

-RAVE MUSIC PLAYS

-Can you turn that down a bit?

It's a funny thought - when they're 70, babies like that one you've got in your tum

will go gooey over music like that.

The way we got sentimental about Abba, they'll get teary-eyed over Smack My Bitch Up.

Yeah, Abba were a bit experimental for me.

-I like my music more middle of the road.

-What would that be?

The Wombles, really.

Right, right.

They were a great band, weren't they?

# Remember you're a womble. #

Yeah, v, v funky, weren't they?

You never hear of them any more, do you?

Take That split up and Robbie Williams and Gary Barlow carried on, but what happened to the Wombles?

You never see Uncle Bulgaria on Later With Jools Holland.

Because Uncle Bulgaria was a man in a suit.

Uncle Bulgaria never wore a suit.

There was always a man inside Uncle Bulgaria.

I don't care what he got up to in private.

Many rock stars are gay. It doesn't mean he wasn't a great musician.

He wasn't a musician at all. He was just a costume. Uncle Bulgaria is in a box somewhere.

Uncle Bulgaria is dead?

Let's finish this before I stab you to death.

I have got to devise a show for people to remember for 1,000 years.

-That's easy!

-And not Dibley's Wombling merry Christmas.

Oh, right. Difficult.

I suppose the Nativity is the obvious choice.

Yes, but we need to give it a twist.

Well, I suppose you could do it on an actual farm.

Not a farm, you silly girl!

So the audience can follow the story round the farmyard on a magical moonlit night.

Visit the shepherds in a real field.

Have Mary and Joseph in a stable with real cows - that sort of thing.

-Alice?

-Yeah?

How does it feel to have your first very good idea indeed?

-Great, it feels great.

-Good.

-And here comes some more.

Maybe the wise men can't see Jesus when they come into the stable

and we'll have to go, "He's behind you!"

-Oh, your taxi's arrived.

-Then Jesus can escape from Herod right up a sort of giant beanstalk.

Oh, it's a spaceship come to collect you for experiments(!)

KNOCKING >

-Enter next hopeful thespian.

-Hello, vicar.

-Hello, Frank.

-I'd like to audition for one of the wise men.

-Right, here's the script.

I'll read the other wise men, shall I?

All right. Ready?

Here we go. "Lo, behold, a wondrous star in the East."

IN A FUNNY VOICE: "Let us follow it,

"my noble companions."

Right. "Perchance we will encounter the son of God."

STRANGE AMERICAN ACCENT: "Then we will worship him."

Interesting, but I don't understand the voice.

Well, I was just thinking, I'm playing a wise man.

Now, who's wise? And I thought - of course, Stephen Hawking!

The voice.

Right, right.

AS HAWKING: "Take this myrrh.

"It's very nice."

I can see you've really thought about this...more's the pity(!)

Can I call you? It's very good.

AS HAWKING: Thank you.

-Right, who's next?

-It's Owen.

-Can you send him in?

-Yes.

Right...Owen.

And...and you've come to audition for...?

The king!

Of course - there were three kings and you are one of them.

That's right.

Will you do an Elvis impression on the night?

It would be mad to dress up as him and not do some rock'n'rolling.

# Are you lonesome tonight?

# Do you miss me tonight? #

Can I just store that and come back to you?

Certainly.

Would it help if I slept with you?

-Sorry?

-I've heard you can get on in acting by sleeping with the director.

I would be only too happy to oblige.

Um...no.

-Who's next?

-It's Jim. He's come as one of the kings as well.

Right. I hope it isn't Martin Luther King!

Right.

He'll come back later.

-So, how can I help?

-We'd like to play Mary and Jesus,

with me as Mary.

Oh, God! Oh, good!

Actually, Alice, I was banking on you for the pivotal role

of woman who sleeps through the entire thing in another inn.

Oh, that would be nice, but I want to play Mary.

It's just that you don't actually fit the vital requirements, I'm afraid.

Joseph was a carpenter

and, I'm afraid, Hugo just isn't, is he?

-Just finished them in evening class.

-Right, good.

The crucial thing is they weren't English. Mary only spoke Hebrew.

SHE SPEAKS FLUENT HEBREW

Yep, just like that.

-Please?

-Please?

I'll think about it.

-SHE SOBS: I want to play Mary.

-It's an excellent, perfect idea.

-Hurrah! Ooh!

-See you on the set, Reverend Spielberg.

Er...Hugo,

will your father be willing to act?

Absolutely. He was hoping you'd ask him to play God.

Actually, no. I had another part in mind.

THEY SPEAK IN HEBREW

There we are, that's for you.

Nice, Jim, but one of the kings wouldn't have been Billie Jean.

Now, then, everyone,

welcome to your first rehearsal.

Now, then, let's just whip around the circle

to check which parts we're playing.

For instance, I am Geraldine. Hi.

I'm your director. I'm also the announcing angel and the narrator.

-I'm Alice. I'm playing Mary.

-I'm Hugo. I'm Joseph.

I'm David. I'm...

Herod.

I am Jim.

And I, er... No, no, no...

No.

Good, moving on.

I'm Owen. I'm third shepherd, first king

and it's my farm we're performing in for a very reasonable rent.

-Owen!

-For free.

-Yes, thank you.

Since this is an experimental play,

I would like to use the rehearsal methods from Brook's productions.

-Brooke Shields?

-No, Peter Brook from the Royal Shakespeare Company.

I wouldn't mind being directed by Brooke Shields!

"This way to the bedroom, Jim."

Shut up, Jim!

"Andre Agassi, get out of that bed, you lazy sod!

"I've got Jim Trott here."

Can we get on, vicar? I've got a meeting in April(!)

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I got carried away.

It's been a very long life with very little sexual experimentation.

In Brook's classic productions, there was a lot of improvisation

to enable the actors to explore the background of their characters.

Hugo, Alice, here we go. Let's clear the floor, make an open space.

Don't worry, Alice, it's just pretending.

Now, Alice, you're playing Mary. You're young, unmarried, a virgin and you find out you're pregnant.

-That happened to my cousin.

-No, it didn't.

She gave birth three times, but she never ever had sex with a man.

Except me.

And me.

And me, if I'm honest.

-Now then, Alice, unmarried and yet pregnant, all right?

-OK.

That very day, who comes home? Joseph, your fiance, a humble carpenter.

So, ooh, OK? And centre and go.

-Knock, knock.

-Who is it?

It's me, Joseph, your boyfriend, a humble carpenter.

-Oh, come on in, Joe. Cup of tea?

-Yes, please.

Busy day?

Yes, I've been carpentering all day.

Oh, good.

And yourself? Interesting day?

Er...well, yes, actually.

-I spent the morning shopping. Got you a lovely supper.

-What is it?

Loaves and fishes.

A family recipe.

-Great. And this afternoon?

-I came home and the angel of the Lord was waiting

who made me with child who shall be Lord of all mankind.

Oh, right.

-Hummus?

-Please.

-You'd react a bit more than that, wouldn't you? It's quite big news.

-OK, yes, sorry. Good point.

-Absolutely, so centre and go.

A bit of a turn-up for the books, Joe. I'm pregnant

and God the maker of all mankind is the father.

Oh, oh.

Actually, have you got any taramasalata...?

No, no, no! You're completely useless. Sit down immediately!

I'll be Joseph. I'll show you how to do it.

Hello, Mary!

-Hello, Joseph.

-Any news?

-Yeah, I'm pregnant.

-Hang on a minute! You're telling me you're pregnant?

-Yes.

Well, who's the father, you little scrubber!

-God almighty, creator of all things.

-I've heard that story before(!)

Who is it?!

SHAKY VOICE: I don't know.

I went to the loo and the angel of the Lord was sitting on the loo.

Then he said, "You don't need the loo. You're pregnant."

Oh, forgive me!

Get away from me, you bastard!

What?

How could you doubt me? I'm going to Bethlehem on me own.

And out of character. Well done!

-Whisky?

-Yes, please, lots.

I'm whacked. It's exhausting, all this directing.

No wonder Stanley Kubrick died.

Right.

Right.

Now, obviously, vicar, I'm very happy to play Herod,

but I did just wonder if we weren't missing a trick with him -

a chance to make him more rounded, to bring out his nicer side.

-The nicer side of Herod?

-Yes.

You mean like the playful side of Hitler?

Exactly!

I mean, there's Herod - a cultured, sophisticated man,

into music, into ancient art,

and then he massacres just one batch of babies

and that's all people can remember.

-It's not fair.

-So I have written a short singlet,

nothing definitive, but perhaps putting his side of things

a little more... Well, you know.

Right.

"Herod strokes his adoring dog, Cuddles, then turns to two soldiers.

"'Take a batallion of men to Judea and kiss all the babies there.'

"Soldier one: 'Did he say kiss all the babies?'

"Soldier two, who is hard of hearing: 'No, he said kill all the babies.'

"Soldier one: 'Oh, well, let's go and massacre them then.'"

-It's an interpretation.

-No, it's not.

Naughty!

Come on, now, focus.

You're in the fields, tending your sheep, before the angel appears.

A bit of chatter. Make something up.

Right. Right.

Fellow shepherds, did anyone see Ground Force last night?

No, no... Oh, yes, that Charlie Dimmock!

She can propagate my seedlings any time.

No, no.

When she leans over it's like two pumpkins rolling in a growbag!

And lo, an angel of the Lord appeared before them.

Shall I prompt you for this bit?

OK, but I am a vicar - I do actually know it.

-Just in case.

-OK.

Be not afraid, for I am an angel of the Lord

and I bring you glad tidings of great joy.

-For tonight...

-No, no, no! It's a dramatic pause, do you see?

It looked like you'd forgotten it.

For I am an angel of the Lord

and I bring you glad tidings of great joy.

-For tonight...

-No, the pause.

-But you paused a bit longer than you did in the first pause.

-I thought you'd forgotten it.

-I'll start again. You don't say anything.

We won't say anything. Not even our lines?

Yes, your lines!

-You've got to have a prompt.

-Right, Frank can prompt me, can't he?

-Yes.

-Thank you.

She's not very angelic, is she?

And lo,

an angel of the Lord appeared before them...

-Be not afraid...

-No, be afraid!

Be very afraid!

Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

Sorry to disturb you, vicar.

No, that's absolutely fine.

Oh!

-Yum!

-Yeah!

-The thing is, I'm a bit worried about this giving birth business.

-Oh.

I watched a video of a birth last night and it looked really horrible.

I don't want my baby bursting through my stomach.

Was it called Alien by any chance?

That's right.

Right, right.

Also, I've heard that mothers-to-be should avoid unnecessary strain.

So maybe I shouldn't be acting in the play at all, cos it is pretty stressful.

Oh, Alice, I'm sorry, but you've only got one line, haven't you?

"But I am great with child." Six words.

I'm worried I'm going to forget them and the worry might cause me damage.

I see your point, but on the other hand,

if you leave me high and dry, this fist will cause you damage

in the face department - obviously, the choice is yours.

-I think it will be OK.

-Yeah, I think so, I really do.

Ah-ah-ah! sorry!

Can you sod off now? I'd like to be alone with Sean Bean.

Isn't he lovely!

Ooh, you've nicked my cake!

Right, everyone, thank you for an excellent day's rehearsal

after a slightly shaky start.

-What do you think?

-About that?

-What?

Well, I just don't think it IS the greatest story ever told.

There's the one about people who were burgled who thought the robbers hadn't taken anything.

Then they developed their photos and found photos of the robbers with toothbrushes up their bottoms.

So you think I should write "the second greatest story ever told"?

Yes. A man got out of a car and his wife heard banging on the roof.

The police said, "Get out and don't look round." But she did look round

and it was a lunatic banging her husband's severed head on the roof.

Perhaps I should just write "one of the top ten stories ever told".

That's forgetting Jackie Collins' stories - The Bitch, The Stud.

And Beatrix Potter - she wrote lovely stories.

Newsroom South East's local stories.

Sorry, can we stop right there?

Can I remind you all a little bit of the story we're telling here?

2,000 years ago, a baby is born in a stable, the poorest of the poor.

Yet during his lifetime, he says things that are so astonishing,

that millions of people are still living their lives by them today.

He said, "Love thy neighbour." He told us to turn the other cheek, whatever people might do to us.

Does that include Simon bonking you like a beachball?

Yes, it does, Owen.

Sadly, it does.

But most astonishingly,

I believe that this tiny, little baby boy

actually was the son of God.

And when he was younger than I am today, he was brutally crucified

for simply telling people to love each other.

The men who did it thought, "He's dead and gone." Yet here we are,

2,000 years later,

in a village in the middle of England

doing a play about his birth.

Now, I think that's a pretty great story.

ALL: Yes.

Yes, all right, it's a good poster. Leave it as it is.

Thank you, although the toothbrush one is gripping. We can do it next year.

Frank can play the toothbrush.

Yes, please.

Ooh, ooh, ooh!

Ooh.

DOG BARKS

Right, it's time to get going.

Break a leg and if you feel like improvising, just go for it.

Ooh!

Oh, I think it's started.

Exactly like that. She's very good at it. Well done, Alice.

All right, everyone, give 'em hell!

Actually, no, give them a quite heavenly evening, please.

And Jim, I'm sorry, I think this beard is far too long.

Oh, no, no...

Yes, you could be right.

Hello, everybody.

Hi. Welcome to the farmyard Nativity.

I hope you all enjoy watching it as much as we enjoyed rehearsing it.

We haven't charged anybody anything to come in, so at the end there will be two angels at the gate.

All donations will be welcome.

Here we go...

I'd just like to say I'll be here slaughtering Daisy tomorrow.

So order your Christmas beef after the show.

Right, thank you very much, Owen.

And it came to pass that there was a decree from Caesar Augustus

that all the world should be taxed.

And Joseph went to Bethlehem with Mary, his espoused wife,

who was great with child and riding upon a donkey.

But the donkey did run away

during rehearsals this afternoon, so in the end

she actually turned up on a small motorised lawnmower.

And so Mary and Joseph came unto an inn in Bethlehem

and knocked upon the door.

Innkeeper, have you a room where we may rest?

No, no, no.

No, no, no. No room in the inn.

We're fully booked because of the millennium.

(But I am great with child.)

Also I am great with child, so it's particularly awkward.

(You, you.)

Oh, sorry!

But also I am great with child.

Oh, I forgot it!

(In that case, I have a stable you can use.)

In that case, the vicar has a stable you can use.

So Mary and Joseph went into the stable the innkeeper kindly offered,

there to make preparations for the birth of the Holy child.

Oh, I can feel it coming!

-That's good.

-No, I really can.

Oh!

-She was good, wasn't she?

-Very convincing.

-I was good, wasn't I?

-No.

-No.

And at that time in Jerusalem

Herod had heard of the impending birth of the king of the Jews

and he was sore troubled, for Herod was a cruel and jealous king.

Soldiers go forth unto Bethlehem and kill all the infants there,

for I shall have no other king but me.

-And so...

-But...

kill them gently...

for I am not as cruel and jealous as some would have me be.

-And so...

-In fact...

I really love children, indeed I see some in my court

and would give them many gifts of sweets and chocolates - for you.

-Thank you, Herod.

-And for you.

-Thank you, Herod.

-And for you.

-I love you, Herod.

And meanwhile in the fields, some shepherds were tending their flock.

SHEEP BAA

Improvise.

See that ewe over there? She's pretty.

No, no, no. Yes, I wouldn't mind giving her one.

And lo, an angel of the Lord appeared before them

and they were sore afraid.

Be not afraid, for I am an angel of the Lord

and I bring you tidings of great joy.

For tonight...

I know, you pillock!

Sorry, sorry.

Great joy.

Wow, you're good!

-Oh!

-I mean, this is a Judi Dench-type quality performance.

And so it was that the three wise men who looked like the shepherds,

but who were completely different people, approached the stable

riding camels, or doing very good camel-riding impressions.

And as they came unto the manger,

they saw Mary who was great with child and looking rather hot.

Aagh!

And in the company of only some cattle

and her husband, Joseph.

Oh, my God!

Oh!

Jesus, she's having a baby!

The line is, "Look, she's having a baby Jesus."

No, she really IS having a baby. Have a look!

Oh! Ugh!

Vicar!

Excuse me one second. Thank you.

What are you doing?! We've got them in the palm of our hands.

Aagh! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! We must have some towels.

-Owen, run and get some towels.

-I haven't got any.

-No towels?

-Why would I?

-To dry yourself after a bath.

-I don't have a bath.

-Would anyone here have some towels?

-You could use these?

My entire costume is made of towels.

No, no, no!

Excuse us. Is there a doctor in the house?

-I'm a vet.

-Could you come and help?

Over my dead body.

I'm not having my grandchild brought into the world by James Heriot.

It's common sense, surely!

Oh, dear!

Are you sure it's a good idea having Herod take care of Jesus?

He's not Herod now. He's Mr Horton.

Oh, yes!

Come on, push, push! >

-Come on, Geraldine, give us a hand.

-All right.

Breathe.

It hurts!

Next time you get a contraction, hang on to my hand, grip it as tight as you like.

It's coming!

-OK.

-Here it comes!

-OK.

-Here it comes!

-Aagh!

-Yeaow!

Ya bitch! Ah-ah-ah-ah!

Oh, oh, oh!

Thank you.

Oh, my God, here comes another one!

Please!

Can't we do something? We are the three wise men.

No, no, no, we are the kings. Oh, right!

Most kings are brain-dead, inbred cretins.

Deep breathing. Deeper, deeper.

ALICE: Oh!

-Oh!

-Here's Hugo.

-Oh, my God!

-Oh, my God!

Just one more push. Oh, my God, I can see the head!

God, I hope that is a head!

It's very realistic.

It's coming. It's coming.

ALICE MOANS

Aagh!

BABY CRIES

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS

And there, in a stable,

2,000 years ago,

God himself took part in the miracle of birth

and Mary held in her arms

a very special and very realistic child.

Brillo pads!

Most excellent.

One, two... One, two, three...

four.

LOUDLY: # Silent night

# Holy night... # Ssh!

QUIETLY: # All is calm

# All is bright

# Round yon virgin mother and child...

SHEEP BAAS

# Holy infant so tender and mild

# Sleep in heavenly peace

# Sleep in heavenly peace. #

-SOFTLY:

-Merry Christmas to you all.

She really is the most beautiful baby.

-Thank you. Could I just check something with you, vicar?

-Mmm.

Have I actually given birth to the son of God?

Because I find it a bit of a responsibility.

-No, Alice, you haven't.

-Oh, phew!

Apart from anything, she's a girl, isn't she?

So she is. Good clue.

-Have you thought of any names?

-Yeah. Go on, Alice.

Well, we've thought about it long and hard

and we'd like to name her after you.

Oh, guys!

Oh, I don't know what to say!

So I'm calling her "Vicar".

Or Geraldine.

Oh, Geraldine!

Oh, even better!

Splendid-o!

Yes...Geraldine.

Good choice.

Excellent choice.

Subtitles by Jayne MacKinnon BBC - 1999

-A little Christmas gagette for you.

-Great.

-Santa Claus goes to the doctor.

-Oh, dear!

He says, "Doctor, I think I've got a mince pie stuck up my bottom."

I wonder how that got there!

So the doctor says, "OK, Mr Claus, bend over, please.

"Oh, yes, you do have a mince pie stuck up your bottom,

"but you're in luck - I've got some cream for that."

You see? Cream for the mince pie.

-You mean he's going to take it out and eat it?

-No...

-It's not hygienic.

No, he isn't because it's a joke.

Doctors - what are they going to do next? Take out your appendix and have it with bacon and egg?

-Just leaving planet Earth.

-Take out your tonsils...

# Jesus Christ was born on Christmas day... #

To save us all from Satan's power. That's you.

I'm not eating it, no way. Not if it's been up Santa's arse.

I'm sticking to brandy snaps.