Lethal Swing Back The Wright Way

Susan! Victoria!

I have just washed my face and hands and yet again I can't find any...

towels.

Morning, Dad.

Morning, Gerald.

Can you please explain to me

why women seem to be incapable of leaving a bathroom without

first swathing themselves in every available towel?

It's snuggly?

It's anti-social, Victoria.

Towels are not garments,

they weren't designed for wearing round the house.

They are towels. They are for drying.

Their place is in the bathroom.

You don't walk out of the kitchen with a frying pan on your head,

do you?

You've never felt the need to make a sarong out of the lounge room

carpet and wear it in the garden.

-No.

-No.

Cup of tea?

I can do you an egg, if you like.

I'm seeing Mum later so I'm doing a bit of admin this morning.

Clearing the receipts off the fridge.

Exhibit A.

Er? It's like...a toilet roll?

No, Victoria, it's an empty toilet roll, plus one sheet of toilet

paper, which someone had artfully draped over it in order to

avoid their clear moral responsibility to replace the roll.

Not cool. You were in there last.

I didn't finish it. There's a sheet left!

Technically you didn't finish it, Victoria.

But in terms of natural justice, you are bang to rights.

Oh my God. This is like a witch hunt.

Luckily I spotted the shortage before fully committing myself...

and was able to facilitate a late retraction.

Think I'll forget breakfast.

But now I'm going to have to go at work, which I hate,

because I find it difficult to function if there are other

members of the lavatory-using community hovering about.

Dude. Same. I'm like, "stop hovering."

"Go away."

It's a question of personal space.

-MIMICS STREET PATOIS:

-Speakin' troot to da yout, Big Man.

Stop agreeing with him, Vic. It's starting to worry me.

Dad, I found that receipt.

-Receipt?

-The receipt for that scarf.

-The one you bought for Malika that got mixed up with Victoria's lingerie receipt.

-So easily done.

You should give it to her now.

They'll still have the scarf in the shop.

The damage is done, Susan. Women do not forget.

You accidentally give them one pair of your daughter's

girlfriend's knickers for a birthday pressie...

and they never let it go!

We should so take that receipt back to the shop

and swap it for something decent for us.

-No way, Vic.

-If Dad's ever going to get back in the game, he's going

to need a little shove.

Morning, Gerald.

Morning, Clive.

Everything all right?

Yes. Quite all right, thank you.

I'm just waiting for you to go, that's all.

You want me to go?

Yes. So that I can go.

You want me to go so you can go?

That's right. I can't go unless you've gone.

But I've been.

I know you've been, Clive.

And now I want you to go.

You want me to go even though I've been?

Obviously.

Is it a sympathy thing?

What?

You can't go unless someone else goes too.

Like the sound of running water makes people want to tinkle.

It's very simple.

You've been and I haven't and I can't go until you've gone.

But I keep telling you, I've been.

I know you've been Clive, now go!

I can't! You can't make me!

Clive. I just want you to leave!

Oh, leave. I thought you wanted me to go.

Go. Leave. We're quibbling over semantics, Clive.

Well, I'll see you at morning conference then...

after you've been.

Exactly.

After you've gone.

Is it occupied or is it jammed?

Occupied!

Got a sore throat there, Gerald?

You take your time, mate.

I've got the crossword.

HE WHISTLES

Gerald and Bernard are late.

MOBILE PHONE BEEPS

Here's Gerald now.

He's called a spontaneous fire practise.

FIRE ALARM RINGS

See you down there, Gerald.

This is absurd. Absurd is this.

Very important man am I. How long wait must we?

The Chief Officer of Health and Safety will end the drill

when we are all here, Mr Mayor.

But all here are we.

Well, I hope he hurries up.

I can't stand standing about in the cold.

I think I'm getting a little tickle.

Really, Mrs Maha? Allow me to offer a tissue.

A tissue, to offer, me allow.

Ever the gentleman, eh, Mr Mayor?

Look after yourself must you, Mrs Maha.

Four weeks only till Ballroom Night and we don't want you

bothered being by a little tickle while you rumba.

Well, a girl can only hope!

Notional conflagration brought under hypothetical control.

No-one theoretically incinerated?

Good, good. Carry on.

No brekkie, babes?

No thanks, I'm meeting mum for brunch.

Going to have another go at her about Kyle.

You do know that the more you hate on her boyfriend,

the more she's going to want him.

I can't stand by and let her get played by this loser, Vic.

I'm just saying.

You are now trying simultaneously to hook up your dad

and bust up your mum.

I personally would get horribly confused.

The lying swine!

What?

That bloke I sacked, Gary. Remember?

He plumbed the care home hot water into the loos.

Sorry, Babes, I kind of zone out when you're on the pipey,

spannery stuff.

He's taking me to a tribunal.

Erm... Is that a bad thing?

I know my job, Mr Wright.

I supply the rolls but some damn vagabond keeps stealin' them.

You must be vigilant, Mrs Johnson. Keep your eyes peeled.

I'll be watching.

And when I find the swine, I'll know where to stick my toilet brush.

HUMMING

I can't afford a compensation order. This could bankrupt me.

Sue.

If you've got problems and you're feeling down,

there's only one thing you can do.

We can't have ice cream for breakfast.

Don't let da Babylon mek da rules, Babe.

We need Funky Fudgey Monkey.

I'll give it five seconds in the microwave.

WE need it?!

You're not the only one with work issues, babe.

You haven't got any work.

Which - hello! - would be the issue!

Four more seconds.

My career's a joke. I'm a laughing stock.

Don't be stupid? Who's laughing at you?

Well, some mean girls from school for a start.

MICROWAVE PINGS

Mean girls?

Three more seconds...

They used to bully me for being into chicks

and now they've started again.

Trolling me on the net, calling me DJ No Gigs.

Which is fair, but still hurtful.

Two more seconds...

Babes, that's awful, I didn't know.

Well, you've got enough to worry about with...

well, whatever it is you do when you go off in your dungarees.

One more second and...

MICROWAVE PINGS

..grab a couple of spoons!

Oh my God.

Monkey meltdown.

I can't even soften ice cream!

Well, a milkshake's more breakfasty, anyway.

We can dip in a banana and pretend it's a smoothie.

One of our five a day.

There can be no doubt about it that somewhere in this building

there lurks the kind of anti-social low life who is prepared to

leave his own comrades waddling about with their trousers

round their ankles, trying to weigh up the relative absorbent

qualities of Heat Magazine or a Twix wrapper.

Is he in Accounts? Parks?

Libraries? Roads?

Possibly even, we must concede, here amongst our own.

There's plenty in the ladies.

Perhaps there's an innocent explanation.

I hate to think ill of people.

An innocent explanation, Clive?

These rolls are disappearing three or four at a time.

What do you think we're dealing with here?

A sumo wrestler with gastroenteritis?

Well, Councillor Cochrane is a blind gentleman, isn't he?

Ye-es?

And his guide dog's a golden retriever.

Beautiful dog. Lovely coat.

I hate dogs.

Why are we discussing Councillor Cochrane's golden retriever?

Well, I was just wondering if, when it was younger,

it might have been the Andrex puppy...

I mean after all, the Andrex puppy had to grow up.

That's right, Gerald. Hello? Five minutes over.

No more living the dream. Time to face reality. Retrain.

Get a proper job.

But the old skills never left him.

It'd be like a craving, wouldn't it?

Years of being rewarded every time you run off with a loo roll.

You'd want that buzz again.

Any dog would.

Do you think you should perhaps speak to

Councillor Cochrane, Gerald?

Yes, Clive(!)

I'll just march up to Baselricky's only blind elected official

and accuse his guide dog of being the Andrex puppy.

It's probably harassment.

I'd be sent on a course.

Now let us put these distressing thoughts aside

and get on with the business of protecting the public.

So, order of business. Clive, speak to me.

Well, Gerald, we have a request from Mandela Primary to install

a swing in their playground.

A swing? In a playground?

Tell 'em they're dreaming.

Malika, we mustn't leap to judgement.

Yes, a swing is a lethal weapon.

An instrument it seems to me, designed almost deliberately

to deliver planks of wood at speed into the faces of small children.

But let us not forget,

swings can also be used for recreational purposes.

So I suggest we indicate that a swing licence may be

forthcoming if the school can provide training, round

the clock supervision, a rubberised surface, a soft-edged seat in case

a child gets it in the face

and reinforced chains

for obese pupils.

Point of order, Gerald.

What if someone gets an obese pupil in the face?

Good point, they will also have to be padded.

But surely they're already padded, aren't they? Being obese?

That's right - it's the skinny, pointy ones that do the damage.

Clearly this is a complex issue

and to make any kind of informed decision we're going to need data.

Targeted Observation of Tension and Altitude levels, acronymically

T-O-T-A-L,

creating A Tabulated Ongoing Swing Study.

a T-O-S-S,

Pertaining Operational Testing.

P-O-T.

So what you are looking at here, Team Health and Safety,

is a Total Toss Pot.

So, this is cool bananas!

Didn't think you'd be joining us, Kyle.

Not busy at the gym, feeling the burn and ironing your pump?

If the K Man wants to take time out to chill with his ho,

then bring it on.

I'm his ho.

Might take the whole day off.

Maybe give my lady a slo-o-ow massage.

Such strong thumbs.

It must be lovely to feel so unencumbered, Kyle.

You should try it, babe. You're always so grim.

Worrying about your little business. Sell up! Walk away!

You're young, you're sizzling hot. Get a life!

Freshen up your Brazilian and go surfing in Bali,

we could all meet up in Padang Bai.

Padang Bai.

Some of us have got financial responsibilities, Kyle.

Money's about opportunities, Babe.

You need to get out of your own way.

Right, 18 toilet rolls and I'm going to put them

in the bathroom cupboard so there's no excuse for not replacing any,

mentioning no names, Victoria.

I didn't finish it! Oh, my God.

I'll take one of those to keep with me at work, Susan.

You won't believe this

but someone's nicking the paper out of the gents loo.

Oh, that is low.

I may have to install a secure dispensing system.

Not one of those great big roundy drums with a massive huge

-roll inside!

-I hate those.

You can never find the end.

I know, you have to tease it out.

Like, "walk the roll."

Can't find the end.

Just walk the roll.

Can't find the end.

-Walk the roll.

-Can't find the end.

Of course you can find the end.

You just stick your hand in and feel about a bit.

-Stick your hand in.

-Feel about a bit.

-Stick your hand in.

-Feel about a bit.

Girls!

Municipal hygiene is not a subject for levity.

Morning good, Mr Wright. Well all with you, trust I?

Well very, Mr Mayor, well very, I think

I'm finally getting the better of this push-button tap at last.

Enjoying the challenge. In fact, I'm finding it rather exciting.

Yes, so seems it would, Mr Wright.

Mr Wright, informed am I that someone is the rolls toilet stealing.

Wonder do I how the miscreant out sneaking them unnoticed is!

Mr Wright, have you in your trousers a rolls toilet got?

Well, yes, as a matter of fact I have.

Thief! Thief are you!

To me give it. To me give it!

Cleaner in the toilet, gents! Mr Wright!

Mr Mayor. What you doing?

A roll toilet stolen has he, Johnson Mrs.

It's mine, Johnson Mrs. I brought it in.

Look, you can compare the brands if you want.

I'll take your word for it.

I'll be keeping my eye on you, Mr Wright!

Me and the toilet brush.

So, combined weight of Bernard and Clive?

175 kilograms.

Which, according to Home Office guidelines, accurately

reflects the projected weight of an average 11-year-old by 2020.

Malika, give our average 11-year-old a push.

-The chains seems to be holding, Gerald.

-Excellent.

What if the child's playing sitty kissy on the swingy?

You chuck a bucket of water over them.

No, Malika. Kids do play sitty kissy on the swingy. So,

I'm 78 kg, plus hard hat and fluoros,

representing the weight of a slim ten-year-old girl circa 2020.

So...

let's play sitty kissy on the swingy.

Are we doing the kissy bit?

Because I'd really rather not.

No, Clive, we are not doing the kissy bit.

You always say, Gerald, that crash testing must fully reflect

the real world case study it purports to represent.

I don't agree.

I don't want to do the kissy bit.

All right, look, we'll do it hands in front of mouths.

Malika. Give us a push.

The structure seems to be holding, Gerald, despite the pendulous orgy!

Right.

Enter the results on the Total Toss Pot...

Let us move on to the dangers to satellite children from flying

swings.

Bernard, don the full face protective visor.

-What?

-Put the bucket on.

Right you are, Gerald.

Right.

At five feet from the forward swing base,

is he safe?

Clive. Swing the swing.

Not safe.

This'd make quite a good drinking game.

Right let's try six feet.

Clive, swing it again.

Give it a real push and...

Watch out for swing back!

Nose bleed! Nose bleed! I need a tissue!

Use my toilet roll.

My God, Gerald. You're the thief!

Bit awkward, Gerald.

For Heaven's sake, Team Health and Safety, I brought it from home.

Compare the brand!

Just to establish your innocence, Gerald.

It's still bleeding, I need more than that.

I blame myself. He should have been wearing a bucket.

Quick, Gerald! Steal another roll.

Wright Mr, thief are you! Thought I much as!

To me give it! To me give it!

Mr Wright! What you doing!

Mrs Johnson, I have a man down and I need tissues.

Well, that's your business, Mr Wright,

but you can't keep using my toilet rolls.

This thief has created an atmosphere of paranoid suspicion which is

poisoning our happy working environment.

I have therefore actioned this day,

a purchase order for a new secure toilet roll dispenser.

It's not one of those huge drums with the big round roll inside,

is it?

I hate those, you can never find the end.

For heaven's sake, what is the matter with people?!

You just stick your hand up and feel about a bit.

I'm not so sure, Gerald. They've got one at the Frog and Ferret and even if you do

find the end, you can't tease it round because the roll's too heavy.

You end up tearing off a little thumb-sized bit,

which just isn't adequate, is it?

Unless you're Kylie Minogue.

One night I reached in so far I got my arm

stuck against the serrated edge.

I was trapped for an hour.

I missed two games of bar billiards and someone ate all my crisps.

Team Health and Safety, please!

I do hope that as council officers charged with the well-being of the

community, we are capable of working a simple toilet roll dispenser.

A word please, Mr Wright. Mr Wright, please. A word.

First, do I find you with a roll toilet hand in and your trousers down.

Now do I discover a purchase request pertaining - apropos

and vis a vis - big roundy secure roll dispenser,

gents toilet for the use of?

Yes, Mr Mayor, I'm having one installed to thwart this

thief once and for all.

The thief thwart it may, Mr Wright, but thwart may me also.

How am I the rolls toilet to remove?

How are you the rolls toilet to remove, Mayor Mr?

Yes. As is my right, as hard working underpaid politician.

Paper, Mr Wright!

Entitled am I by statute to use unlimited of council paper.

But that means stationery, Mr Mayor, for use in admin and correspondence.

You think not for use home lavatory in personal

and flogging in pub local for 20p a roll?

No, Mr Mayor. Think I do not.

Oh! Well, in that case, does anyone have any receipts they don't want?

About am I to file my expenses.

I've got one for a family bag of Revels, Mr Mayor.

Excellent, expenses paid for must be by the public

for bags of Revels essential.

Oh, and, erm...

Cha cha cha, Mrs Maha.

Cha cha cha!

How extraordinary, team, that a politician was helping himself

and he didn't even think he was stealing.

Who'd have thought it?

Any news on the Malika front then, Dad?

News? What news would there be, Susan?

I was wondering if she'd mentioned her birthday present again.

No, I'm glad to say she hasn't.

That excruciating incident is closed.

Your mother can make a fool of herself with feckless

Antipodeans if she wants to, but I am officially off the market.

Well, we'll see, eh?

Bathroom's free, Gerald. Nice dry towel. Plenty of paper.

Party in da loo!

Thank you, Victoria, but I will not be going this morning,

I'm saving myself.

Saving yourself?

We are installing our new toilet roll dispenser today on which

certain aspersions have been cast, not least by you girls.

-Stick your hand in.

-Feel about a bit.

-Stick your hand in.

-Feel about a bit.

-Stick your hand in.

Girls!

As Chief Executive Officer, Health and Safety, it is

my responsibility to see that it is fully tested in the field.

In a field. That is gross, Gerald.

It's an expression, Vic. He means in a toilet.

Still gross.

I have therefore breakfasted lightly and am holding myself in readiness.

I shall give you a full report this evening.

Or...maybe don't?!

You young people never cease to astonish me.

You spend hours on end gossiping on the net,

but when it comes to a genuinely interesting subject

like Municipal Hygiene Supply Strategies, you're not interested.

As you can see, cheerfully jingly restrainers prevent deadly

swing back and lethal swing forward,

so that both rider and pusher...

can recreate happily without risk.

CHILDREN BOO

They'll thank us

when they survive their childhood with all their front teeth.

Never mind those kids. Do you notice anything?

Goodness, Malika, isn't that the..?

My birthday present.

Your daughter found the proper receipt and sent it to me.

I love it.

Well! Happy birthday.

Perhaps you'd like to buy me a belated birthday drink.

What are you doing after work?

Well, I will need to ensure that the new toilet roll dispenser is

properly and safely installed, but then I could be all yours.

Ooh. Promises, promises.

Cleaner in the toilet!

Mr Wright!

Yes Mrs Johnson?

It's one thing stealin' the loo roll, but you could have left me

my lovely new dispenser.

I can explain, Mrs Johnson.

In the meantime, would you oblige me with a tug?

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