Curbing the Kerb The Wright Way

Are you bringing that girlfriend of yours to the Ballroom Night?

No, Yvonne's not my girlfriend anymore, Malika.

Well, if I'm honest, you're well out of it.

Never liked her. Always hogged the fruit punch.

We got engaged!

The Mayor wants to know what you nutters are up to now!

We are carrying out the first ever survey

into the incidents of tripping on council-owned kerb stones.

Why have you blocked the pavement?

Because I'm standing on it and I require a work safe environment.

-Why have you blocked the road?

-Because we've blocked the pavement.

You're nutters!

A blocked pavement diverts pedestrians onto the road,

thereby blocking it. We therefore need to block the road

in order to prevent it being blocked by the blocked pavement

which we've previously blocked, because I'm standing on it.

It's all explained on our website.

Have you got a partner for the Ballroom Night?

Not me, Malika. Lone wolf.

Fancy free. Hellooo, ladies!

I did try that internet dating, but...

quite frankly, it's ruined by people putting up

unrealistic profile pictures.

Yeah, it's ridiculous what some people try and get away with.

I know! What was I thinking? I don't look anything like George Clooney!

Radio Baselricky want a statement about the inconvenience.

The Mayor told me to give them your mobile number.

And I shall be proud to share our good news with the public.

South East Essex is ground zero for pavement-centric risk management.

Nutters!

So, Team Health and Safety, let us analyse

and codify the data collected today.

Urban Test Trip Environment Results.

U-T-T-E-R.

On Kerbs, Roads, Avenues and Pavements.

So, Clive. Talk Utter Krap to me.

Well, Gerald, as you know, today we observed

the kerb-negotiation abilities of 116 members

of the pavement perambulating community.

Malika has the results, but I can't ask her for them.

Why is that, Clive?

Because I'm not speaking to her.

She said my Yvonne hogs the punch at the Ballroom Night.

-She sucks it up like a Hoover!

-Please!

We do not bicker in our security laminates!

Malika. The survey.

We've designated four levels of kerb negotiation, Gerald.

Perambulation without incident.

Momentary hesitation.

Slight stumble.

And the highest level of kerb-induced trauma - Trip.

Good. Let us quantify the kerb negotiation levels numerically.

"Trip" being the highest level, will, of course be, Level Four.

-Trip should be Level One.

-Malika.

-Please.

-Because one is high.

I think even the most basic acquaintance

with the Arabic Decimal System, will tell us that

four is a higher number than one.

One is always highest! One is a far more important number than four!

That's right, Gerald.

When my Yvonne says to me, "Oooh, Clive, you are a one."

She never says, "Oooh, you are a four."

I thought you weren't talking to Malika.

I'm not talking to Malika, I'm talking to you about what Malika said.

And the reason why you're angry, Clive,

-is because you love your Yvonne, don't you?

-Yes,

I'll say that to anyone. I love my Yvonne.

-She's the one.

-She is the one.

-Not the four.

-No, not the four.

Team, please!

This is my scale and the highest level will be Level Four.

So, Clive, results of today's survey.

Figures please, for the maximum level of kerb-induced trauma.

The incidence of trips.

-Zero.

-Thank you, Clive. Zero. No trips.

-Stumbles?

-Zero.

Momentary hesitation?

Zero.

And perambulation without incident?

116.

So, out of 116 members of the pavement perambulating community

surveyed, 116 perambulated without incident.

So, what does this tell us?

That the pavement perambulating community can perambulate a pavement?

Hello! I won't be able to say THAT by closing time!

No, no, Bernard, it shows us that our campaign of kerb awareness

is working! But we mustn't be complacent.

As long as pavements continue to be edged with small precipices,

the risk of tripping remains...

We will continue to talk Utter Krap tomorrow.

One, two, one, two... Oh!

You're getting worse, love! You had this right last week!

I'm sorry, Mum, I'm just stressed about this work tribunal!

You can't go giving up like that on big Ballroom Night.

-Your Dad'd be mortified.

-Well, come round and help us practice!

Oh, my God! I swear that cab driver TOTALLY took me via Cornwall!

I swear I'm a better driver than him and I've failed my test four times!

Once for reversing into my examiner.

Well, I hope you didn't give him a tip, Vic.

I gave him three.

Clean your seat covers. Get a Sat Nav.

And Gargle some Listerine. Boom! His face!

I'm da Bangalang girl, shankin' him up wiv me witty riposts.

You shouldn't have been in a cab at all!

We're supposed to be economising. You should have been on a bus!

I couldn't, Sue, too shaken.

Terrible incident in town. Nightmare.

-Seriously. I'm actually serious.

-What happened, babes?

Well, I was in Oxfam, trying to find you a dress

for when you dance with your dad at Ballroom Night and then suddenly...

almost by magic... I was in M&S Food.

Vic! You know you can't go in there, you're just not strong enough!

I thought I could handle it! I thought I could just pop in there,

have a perv... Maybe pick up a small plastic box of orange segments.

But I got sucked into the vortex of desire!

I couldn't move, I couldn't breath. I just wanted EVERYTHING!

And the only way out was via the booze and crisps.

Brilliant! Do you want a drink, Mum?

Oh, sorry, love. My body is a temple.

I'm meeting Kyle at the gym later.

All right, then, we'll see you later, then.

Look, if you're really worried about this dancing with Dad,

I will come round and help you.

-Tomorrow night.

-Wow. Just you two and Gerald?

Won't that be really, really weird?

Evening, girls. I am GAGGING for a Horlicks.

Long day?

As ever, Sue. But a privilege to serve.

You know, sometimes I think a health and safety officer

would make a good super hero.

Batman. Spiderman. Councilman.

I mean, it's all very well these caped crusaders

swinging about, protecting the public from danger,

but wouldn't it be even MORE exciting,

if the danger had been prevented in the first place?

You still crave a bit of recognition, don't you, Dad?

Not for my own sake, Susan, for the team and for the cause.

Actually, as it happens, it seems the media

is finally taking notice of our efforts.

Radio Baselricky want me to do a telephone interview

for their breakfast show.

Listen up now! Dis be DJ Jiggy Gerald comin' atcha

wiv some fierce chatty chatty...

Bout da Helf an' da Safety for de yute an' stuff.

-Boom!

-Boom!

-That's right, girls.

It'll be nice to put my side of the story for once.

Dad, this is another letter from the NHS Trust.

Haven't you booked your prostate test yet?

-I'll get round to it.

-You're not scared, are you?

Oh, don't be ridiculous! I shall face it like a man.

I don't think you can FACE a prostate test, Dad.

You have to sort of back into 'em.

Ring 'em now! The lines are open 24/7.

Right, I'm going to do it for you.

Come on, it's important at your age.

It just makes me feel a bit old, that's all.

These are the milestones in a man's life.

Your first pair of long trousers. First drink. First car.

First finger up the sphincter.

Well, I'd rather have my bum probed than what I've got to face.

They've set the date for my tribunal.

Do you really think you'll have to pay compensation?

If he was injured working for me, then it's only right.

You know I'll be there to support you always, don't you?

Well, you might not need to, Dad.

Vic's got her first DJ gig, remember? We might be rich soon.

-I might be a kept woman yet.

-No, Susan. You'll always work.

Not if we ever had kids.

Perfectly possible these days.

Best pub game ever. Choose your dream donor.

I'm for Russell Brand, Ryan Gosling or Johnny Depp.

I want Ed Milliband.

Anyway, if I DO go bankrupt, then at least I've got time

to practice our dance, Dad. Which I wanted to talk to you about.

Why don't we go through and sit soft?

I can't, Susan. I'm on hold.

Oh, my God!

You're using a landline!

You're, like, totally tethered to the wall, exclamation mark!

Like a HORSE!

I do have a mobile, but the jury is still out

on the harmful effects of constant use.

Of course, your generation would think a brain tumour

a small price to pay for the ability to say, "Oh, my God"

over and over again while walking down the high street!

No, a wired landline with a decent length of flex

combines adequate mobility with an easily locatable receiver.

It ain't broke, so don't fix it.

I could totally not LIVE without my smart phone!

Do you know what I'd like, Victoria? A smart phone that was smart enough

to get the business or service you're trying to contact

to actually ANSWER the flipping thing! That's what phones are for!

Not to tweet or twat...

..or play Angry Bird Black Ops.

But to facilitate communication!

And that's the one thing that phones don't do any more!

Because the ENTIRE WORLD is now stuck on hold!

Look, if you want to stay on the line,

there's an extension in the lounge room. Just run through

-and pick it up in there!

-No, Susan!

First rule of the phone queue. Never move.

Don't eat, don't sleep, don't answer a call of nature.

They wait, you see, lurking...

..in their call centres in New Delhi and County Kildare,

and when they hear you put the phone down, even for a second, they pounce!

-I'll leave a glass with you, then?

-Thank you, Susan.

I'm totes worried about something, too, Sue. Like, totally.

What's that, babes?

I took an embarrassing selfie.

-An embarrassing rudie selfie.

-How rude?

Well... My, ahem...

fannoir.

Vic! You're not 16! Delete it!

I can't, it's out there! I tried to send it to you, Sue,

-and I accidently sent it to...Suki.

-Your ex?

-Yeah.

I knew I should never go out with someone with a similar name.

-I'm just not focussed enough.

-Well, tell HER to delete it.

-I tried but her new girlfriend saw it and uploaded it.

-No!

-Yes!

She's uploaded my fannoir! Which I THINK is harassment.

-And now she's put it on her Facebook!

-Well, have you poked her?

Of course! I've poked her and I've poked her!

I've written messages on her wall saying,

"Get my fannoir off your Facebook, you skank!"

But, Vic, now everybody's going to know that it's yours!

Yeah, I know and now...

-I think it's gone viral.

-Oh! It never!

Yes! I have a viral fannoir! And it's out there!

Just in case you're wondering, they do know I'm waiting.

Which is a comfort of sorts. It makes the long hours,

listening to Copacabana so much more pleasant.

Do you think it's unreasonable to ask, if they do know

I'm waiting, why don't they ANSWER THE FLIPPING PHONE?!

-Bit more wine, Dad?

-Thank you, Susan, I will.

"For the purposes of security and training,

"my call may be recorded." SECURITY?

I'm trying to book a rectal probe!

I don't CARE who knows! Tell the world!

JUST ANSWER THE FLIPPING PHONE!

Here we go.

Look, Bernard, I'll be frank.

Since my husband died, which I had nothing to do with, by the way,

despite what was said at the time, I've kept myself to myself

and I need a partner for the Ballroom Night.

Oh! Wow! Chuffed? Just a bit!

He takes a major quaff of beer to recover composure!

Oh! Oh! Oh.

Fresh pint, forgot. Picked it up like it was an almost empty one.

Whoops! Beer flavoured T-shirt.

Won't want to sleep in that tonight!

-So, about the Ballroom Night.

-Hello! Here we go!

-I need a partner.

-For those about to rock!

-So, do you know anyone, then...?

-I would be delight... What?

-You didn't think I meant you, did you?

-No!

I'm not being cruel, Bernard, but that's just sad.

Dad, I wanted to have a word with you about the Ballroom Night.

I've asked Mum to come round and rehearse us.

-You won't find that weird, or....

-Not now, Susan! I'm through...!

No, not through... Menu options... Got to focus...

This is where it can all go so wrong.

"If the enquiry is regarding an appointment, press one." Good.

Can do.... Press One...

And... MORE options?

"If it's for an existing appointment, press one.

"For a new appointment press two."

They wrote to me about it! Does that make it existing or new?

-Press new.

-Was "new" one or two?

-Press one.

-Press one?

I mean either. Press either.

But which one? Come on! They'll time me out!

Either. Just press one!

Right. I'll press one... Two.

Made it in time, still in the game! Right!

They want me to key in my NHS number.

-It'll be on the letter.

-Of course, yeah. Where...? Oh, it's over here.

Watch out!

No, it's not, it's over here.

Doesn't matter!

Dad! Found it, it's over here.

On my way!

Oh, it's my smear test, sorry.

I know, I'll get my NHS card. Where is it?

I think it's on the bureau.

Right, I should be able to get it.

-Any more wine going?

-No!

Oh, it's on the phone!

Mind the water!

SHE SCREAMS

Give me the letter!

You hold this...

With me, Victoria!

-With me, Victoria!

-Oh, my God!

Come on!

Keying in my number!

Are we still connected?!

-Yes!

-Result!

-You're in another queue!

-Still in the game!

Well, I can see some clear advantages

for the mobile over the landline.

And you're sure you don't mind me helping out with Gerald and Sue's dance rehearsal, Kyle?

Not a problem for me, babe.

It's just that the Ballroom Night's always meant a lot to Gerald.

Why would I care?

I don't know.

What's that crutch doing here? In a gym? Not a good look.

It's not yours, is it, love?

No? Kidding!

Vic, stop it, it's late!

Oh, my God! Someone's set up a fan page now.

A fan page for a fannoir!

I don't want to hear about it.

It's already got 80,000 friends! It's a star!

Boom! Da's righ'! Rinse it out! Bangalang.

Me poonanny be da nex' big t'ing.

Vic, it's absolutely nothing to be proud of.

You're just jealous because no-one's following yours.

JINGLE

'Health Trust Appointments. You're through to Julie.

'How may I help you?'

I'm here! My leg's gone to sleep! Don't go away!

'Hello? Health Trust Appointments. This is Julie.'

Yeah, Julie, I'm here!

Please, don't hang up!

DEAD LINE

So, Bernard? Have you asked around to see if you know any dancers?

It's not really my crowd, if I'm honest, Malika.

-I need a dance partner.

-But you only danced with the Mayor once a year. Haven't you got a regular partner?

-Well, I did. But he died.

-Oh, you mean your hubby?

No. Not him.

So your husband died and your dance partner died.

Can't say I miss either of them!

Morning, Team Health and Safety.

Well done, carry on. So...

UTTER KRAP. Clive, speak to me.

Well, Gerald, we've been looking into painting warning signs on the pavements -

"Caution Trip Hazard."

-Good, good.

-I've knocked together a bit of a prototype.

Well done, Bernard, that looks brilliant.

It's pretty heavy, of course!

Ooh, ooh, ooh...

I don't think I can hold it! Oh, no!

HE SCREAMS

HE LAUGHS

Don't worry, it's made out of polystyrene.

We did Jack And The Beanstalk for last year's pub panto.

That's a bit of the ogre's castle.

I don't think that was very funny.

But I must say it does look very smart.

It's also very discriminatory.

We have a statuary obligation to make any signage accessible to the sight-challenged community.

Malika's right. We'll have to put the warning on in Braille.

But surely, Gerald, if we put a Braille version on the kerb,

then, the sight-challenged community will have to trip over the kerb

in order to be aware of the warning not to trip over the kerb...

Very true, Clive. We'll need to erect stand-alone Braille versions at waist height.

But then, won't we have to erect a bump warning, warning people about not bumping into the trip warning?

But then, we'll need another bump warning about the first bump warning.

And then another and another!

The whole world will be covered in warning signs.

It's a beautiful dream, Clive.

And we haven't even started looking at the statutory language requirements!

You're absolutely right.

Baselricky embraces inclusion and diversity.

Besides English and Braille,

any trip warning will also have to be offered in Bengali,

Panjabi, Urdu, Somali, Igbo, Polish, Swahili, Farsi, Yorubu and Albanian.

Right. Bernard, can you get hold of any more of the ogre's castle?

Well, this is nice, isn't it?

Yes. Lovely.

All of us together.

Yes. For a dance rehearsal.

Oh, yes. Absolutely. For a dance rehearsal.

Right. Well, if we're going to beat the Mayor, we'd better get on with it.

I haven't got long, I'm taking Kyle out to dinner.

You're paying, of course.

Yes, Sue. Is that a problem for you? In the 21st century?

Boom! In your face, Sue.

Right, anyway. Here we go.

And...one, two, three.

One, two, three.

Glide, Sue, you have to melt into your movements.

Oh, look! Your elbow is all locked and your body's all stiff...

Oh, for heaven's sake, let me show you.

You have to connect with one another.

Trust each other.

Become a part of one other.

Become as...one.

I'm sorry, Sue. I really thought I had time for this, but I really think I must rush.

-Mum!

-This wasn't a good idea. Bye, girls. Bye, Gerald.

Is it just me or was there a bit of a moment there?

I've been in a queue since 6am!

I'm going to have to give up again or I'll be late for work.

Who'd have thought getting your prostrate checked would take so much effort?

You look nice, Susan. Big day, eh?

Whatever happens, I am incredibly proud of you.

Feet, Victoria!

99,999...and...

Boom! 100,000 likes! Oh, yeah!

Come on! Do the Vicbot.

Do the Vicbot! Do the...

Vic, you're disgusting.

100,000 likes, girlfriend! Da people be thummin' up me fannoir!

Vic, will you just shut up about your viral whatsit?

I could be bankrupt by lunchtime.

DOOR BELL RINGS

I'll get it.

Sue, your mum's boyfriend's here.

-What?

-The K Man is in the house.

-Is Mum with you?

-No, babes.

Just me and this guy I'm training who you should meet.

-A guy?

-Yeah. I told him I knew a sizzling hot chick

who doesn't have a boyfriend.

Get out, Kyle. Mum might like you, but I don't.

Just meet the guy, yeah. Trust me. You won't regret it.

Hey, Gazza, there's a chick here who'll be really happy to meet you.

The Gazmeister is in the house!

Gary!

This is the bloke who's taking me to the tribunal today.

The bloke who's claiming disability cos he can hardly walk.

But can do 10K on a treaddie in under 50.

Your mum told me about your tribunal, Sue,

and when I saw this guy down the gym with his crutch,

I thought I'd dig a little deeper.

It's a lie! I'm injured. I've got a letter.

And I've got footage.

Treadmill, cross trainer, multi gym.

All recorded and dated.

That's a picture of a...

Oh, yeah. Sorry, it's my new screen saver, just downloaded it.

Nice selfie, Vic.

Thanks.

Give me that!

In your dreams, mate. I'm a black belt in Jun Fan Jeet Kune Do!

You've been warned. Now, rack off!

Come on, Kyle!

Quite hot! You know, I almost would. If very drunk.

So, Team Health and Safety,

this prototype represents the smallest a kerb stone can be

and still feature the trip warning in all the required languages?

Yes, Gerald. Each kerb will need to be

as big as the wall on an ogre's castle.

We've worked out the cost of replacing all the kerbs within the city limits

with multilingual, culturally-inclusive kerb safe kerbs,

and it's £137 million.

Safety has a price, Malika.

Because the pavements will now have to be so wide,

there'll be no room for any actual road between them.

We'll have to widen the roads.

Which means demolishing all the houses and the shops on either side.

Basically, we'll have to rebuild Baselricky from scratch.

At a guesstimated cost of between ten and 50 billion pounds.

Well, we MAY have to think again.

Thanks, Kyle, I owe you big time.

But you still hate me, right?

Awkward?

All right, I'll be honest.

I think you're in it for what you can get. Giving my mum "financial advice".

Yeah, I gave your mum some advice, babes.

I told her to lock 90% of her settlement away

in either a pension fund or property.

-Oh.

-As to the rest, I said maybe

after 20 years of being a wife, mother and dental nurse,

she should take time out to have a little fun.

Is that a problem for you, Sue? Your mum having fun?

Boom! Your face, Sue!

You be gettin' rinsed out today!

By the K Man.

By the K Man.

-You're up early, Dad.

-I've been up all night.

Still trying to get through to the prostate line.

-Still in a queue?

-Yes, drawn ever further

into the Kafka-like labyrinth of increasingly complex and confusing menu options.

Key in your customer code, your postal code,

your credit card number, your dog's licence number,

your mother-in-law's maiden name, your dog's maiden name.

If you have any hope of being answered in this lifetime or the next,

key in The Da Vinci Code followed by the hash button.

And I'm going to have to hang up again because I've got to get to work.

You know you can have your calls diverted to your mobile?

I'll ring BT and set it up.

I had no idea. That would be great.

Guess what? I lost my DJ gig.

Babes, what happened?!

It was my rudie selfie.

Those mean girls from when I was at school

made it the profile photo on my website.

They're calling me DJ Vajayjay.

Which is actually quite a cool name, but now the youth club have cancelled me

cos they don't think I'm appropriate for an all-ages crowd.

DJ Vajayjay?

Am I missing something here?

This is a historic day, Team Health and Safety.

With this single prototype section of safety barrier,

we begin the massive task of fencing every pavement in Baselricky

so that one day no child will live in fear of tripping.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Blimey!

At flipping last!

Excuse me, I have to take this.

Hello? Yes, this is he!

I'm amazed you remember me, it's been so long.

One question before we start, if I may,

just how hard is it to have your rectum probed in South East Essex?

Sue! Sue! My mum just texted me! Gerald's on the radio!

'Don't get me wrong,

'I'm perfectly happy to have a total stranger

'stick an exploratory digit up where the sun don't shine.

'It's having to wait that bothers me.

'Ha-ha, yeah.

'We've been talking to Council Health and Safety Officer, Gerald Wright.

'Here, on Radio Baselricky.'

Don't get me started.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd