Episode 1 The Young Offenders

This programme contains very strong language

How much is all this worth anyway?

I don't know. Like, ten...

..seven... This one's probably about fucking 20 or something.

We could be looking at making, like, 50 quid, like.

Oh, boy, that's class. New pair of shoes, boy.

-We could get so much with this.

-Yeah!

-What are you getting?

See, I've seen a fuckin', erm, a big blow-up doll in, erm...

..in the shop. It's, like, this woman, right?

And she's got, like, long, curly blonde hair

and when you squeeze her tits

she goes, "Ooh!"

What does she go? Do it again?

She'll go...

"Ooh!"

When you squeeze her arse as well, she'll go

"Ooh!"

I would call mine Sapphire.

I'd call mine Reuben.

That's a guy's name, though.

-No, it's not, is it?

-Yeah, Reuben.

Yeah, that's a guy's name.

Reuben...

Reuben. Reuben!

-Yeah, see?

-Reuben... Oh, yeah.

Shit.

Fuck.

"Ooh!"

"Sapphire, ooh!"

That handsome-lookin' fella there is me, Conor MacSweeney.

-"Ooh!"

-And that's me best pal, Jock.

Everyone's always going on about me trying to be just like him.

What a load of bullshit!

Yeah, we have similar haircuts, but that's just the fashion.

Aside from that, we have our own individual shit goin' on.

Jock's the kind of fella who'd do anything for a friend.

Like that time I bumped into Billy Murphy...

Hi, how's it goin'?

..and he wanted to borrow me phone.

Give me yer fuckin' phone!

HE GIGGLES

He's the local nut job.

Jock found this site on the internet

where ya can send them photos of someone

and they'd send ya back a mask of their face.

All right, Billy?

He then stole a bike from outside the Garda station

which belonged to Sergeant Healy.

When they went lookin' for Healy's bike in Billy's gaff,

they found hash plants instead. Shitloads of them.

-Ya cunt! I'm gonna fuckin' kill ya.

-Shut the fuck up!

Do you like that? Do you like that?

-Go on, get your tongue up me hole, prick.

-Shut up!

-Come on!

Come on, Healy, you'd like that, wouldn't ya?

And that was the end of me getting mugged.

Get into the fucking car!

It turned into a bit of a cat-and-mouse game

between Healy and Jock after that.

-And, you know...

-Thank you!

Healy!

And here we are, minding our own business when...

There's two young fellas up on the roof stealing my lead.

All right, boy?

What the fuck are you doing?

Up there.

Fuckin' idiots.

Quick, put that on.

This is a girl's mask.

It's all they had in the Halloween shop.

-They only had one mask in the Halloween shop?

-Yeah.

Wait, look!

Don't move!

Hey!

Whoa!

-What are we gonna do?

-We can make that.

No, we can't! I've got short legs

and definitely not with these bags of lead.

I'll hold yer hand.

-Fuck off.

-Come on, that way if you don't make it, I can pull you up.

What choice do we have?

Fuck it. All right.

On three?

BOTH: One...

Two...

Three!

AARGH!

A-aargh!

Let go of my fuckin' hand!

Right, come on.

Principal Walsh's daughters.

Fuck!

-Did they see our faces?

-I don't know.

-Fuck it! Come on!

-Shit!

Jock's become a bit of a legend around Cork city.

No-one knows it's him behind the mask. They just call him...

..Fake Billy.

All right, Fake Billy?

-Who's the girlfriend?

-I'm not his girlfriend!

-Fuck you!

-Fuckin' langers!

Oh, fuck! Fuck, shit...

Will you fuckin' hurry up?

You try doin' this on a racer!

Jock, wait up!

-What is it?

-This lead is killin' me. I'm gettin' rid of it.

Yeah, good idea, I left mine in the dumpster.

Come on!

This is the English Market in the centre of the city.

And that's me mam.

She works as a fishmonger.

Mam had me when she was 16,

which was old for our neighbourhood.

The market is a lovely place for a bike ride

if you ever get the chance.

Sorry! Coming through!

'Scuse me!

-Sorry!

-Fuck me!

-You all right?

Sorry about that!

'Scuse me, coming through. Sorry! Sorry, like.

Mam has fuck-all going for her.

I mean, I'm pretty much her pride and joy.

Little fuckin' knacker.

Why is there always some dickhead

painting something when you're in a hurry?

Move, move, move!

My good paint! Jesus!

What the fuck's wrong with yous?

Just keep rubbing it fast. I can see it coming off slowly.

-I gotta get home for dinner. Mam's gonna kill me.

-Not like this.

Every guard in the city's looking

for two kids covered in this yellow shit.

What are we supposed to do so, go home naked?

There's a lot of mad fuckers in our neighbourhood

so you can get away with pretty much anything without being judged.

Well... Most of the time.

Gimme yer fuckin' wallets!

Do we look like we got wallets?

-Nah, go on.

-See ya in school tomorrow, John-Paul.

Jock says stealin' is only really stealin'

when you rob somethin' people give a shit about.

And no-one gives a flyin' fuck about school uniforms.

We go to St Finan's Community School

which is the only school in the country

with a condom machine in the toilets.

And this is our beloved principal, Barry Walsh.

Your da's a prick!

Fuckin' Walsh's daughters...

Do you think they know it was us?

Nah...

-We'd have been arrested already if they did, like.

-Yeah, that's true.

-BOTH:

-Bollocks!

We're gonna have to use a carrot and a stick.

Where we going to get them?

No, ya tool, it's an expression.

We try and get them on our side by danglin' a carrot in front of them.

And if that doesn't work then we hit them with a stick.

Why?

Not a real carrot and not a real stick.

We're just gonna go over an' flirt with them

-and ask them to keep their mouths shut.

-No!

I can't talk to them, boy. They're girls.

There's nothing to be scared of. Girls are just guys with tits.

Just do exactly what I do.

OK.

Just do exactly what you do.

-OK?

-OK?

-Not now.

-Not now.

-When we get up there...

-Up there.

-You don't have to do it now.

-..do it now.

-Stop!

-Stop!

-Fuck off!

-Fuck off!

-How's it goin'?

-How's it goin'?

-Hi.

-Would you look who it is?

Fake Billy and his girlfriend.

Shh! It's a secret.

I'm not his girlfriend.

Relax, babe.

-Who knows?

-Him.

-Him.

-Me. Me. Now the two of you.

-Now the two of you.

Promise not to tell anyone?

-Depends. What's in it for us?

-Come 'ere and I'll tell ya.

-What's that?

-What's what?

That little spot there on your lip?

That's just my lip.

Is it on my lip now?

-Yeah, it is.

-Is it, yeah?

You all right?

INTERNALLY: Just copy what Jack does...

Just copy...

What are you doin'?

I was lookin' over yer shoulder.

And I thought I saw somethin' but it's gone now, so...

-You're unreal at that.

-You're not too bad yerself.

Where'd you get that from?

It's just practice, isn't it?

I used to use, like, a load of tongue when I was younger.

But you realise fast enough

-that that's not really the best method.

-Yeah, I know.

You can never go with the washing machine. That just doesn't work.

Let's do that again.

What's, erm...

..what's it like being adopted?

I'm not adopted.

Hmm.

Is...? Er. OK.

-Er...

-Why? What makes you think I am adopted?

No, like, I don't think you are, it's just...

..er...you look adopted.

How do I look adopted?

Your hair is, like...really...

..black.

Trying to say I'm black?

You're...you're black?

I didn't even notice.

-You didn't?

-No.

Are you serious?

Oh, it's... You barely... Like, I see past pigment.

Can we change the subject?

Hi, sir.

I need to speak to you two in my office, now. Go.

See ya soon.

Go, will ya? Go!

I don't want you going near the two of them.

-BOTH:

-Why?

-It's embarrassing, OK?

-How is it embarrassing?

It's embarrassing for you? It's embarrassing for us.

We get picked on every day and you're just here making a scene?

I'm the principal of the school.

-Everyone's looking!

-I'm your father, it's my school.

-I don't want you being with those two lads.

-You're making a scene.

Look, I'll talk to you later on and you're in trouble.

-You're in big trouble.

-Yeah.

-See you for dinner, so.

-Right, that's it. You're both grounded as well.

-I love you.

-Yeah, you're not going anywhere.

-Bye.

-See you at dinner!

This is the closest Healy has got to catching Jock

in a whole year of chasing him.

What a dickhead!

Your daughters are fine-looking girls, Principal Walsh.

You must be very proud.

They have nice clear skin, which is rare for our age.

Give me that!

Two masked teenagers from this school are wanted for robbery

and causing destruction of property in the city yesterday.

They fit your description.

-Imagine that.

-Yeah, imagine.

-Imagine that.

-Imagine that.

Sorry, I don't understand what you mean, our description?

Well, one of them was tall, lanky, skinny, kind of goofy lookin'.

-The other one...

-Small and fat.

Sort of ridiculous and slower. Much slower than the other one.

There's lots of people that look like us.

Our haircut, everyone copied us once we got our hair cut.

People are even trying to grow to look like us.

And shrink to look like us.

Where were you yesterday, both of you?

-Mm...

-Not where you think we were, anyway.

-No.

-Oh, yeah? Where were you?

-Where?

With Con's mam.

With your mam? With your mam?

Yep.

This was gonna hurt.

Mam has only two gears -

and one of them is broken.

I'm just off the phone to your principal.

What trouble has this dickhead got you into this time?

What are you blaming him for?

Cos you'd jump off a building if he fuckin' told you to.

No, I wouldn't...

-Would you jump off a building?

-No.

Stupid.

A-a-argh!

Did you not get me text?

"If anyone asks, me and Jock were with you. Nice one."

You for fuckin' real?

-They said you're wanted for stealing.

-That's strange.

Definitely, I'd remember something like that.

We didn't. We didn't.

Where were you?

Just...just hanging out, like.

Well, he's bringing me into the fuckin' school tomorrow.

Tell him that we were with you

and it'll be fine, all right?

You're a fuckin' tit-wreck of a child, you know that?

I'd do what to a child?

What?!

I think you have smashing tits, Mairead.

Jesus, Jock, would you fuck off to your own house?

I was just complimenting...

-See you later, yeah?

-Yeah, I'll call over to you after dinner.

Why are you always giving Jock such a hard time?

Cos he's a total fuck-up and you're trying to be just like him.

No, I'm not.

-You don't know what he's really like.

-No?

Tell me, so. What's he really like?

He's...he's sound.

A laugh to be around. He's not like the other fellas in school.

He makes me feel...

..warm.

Are you gay? Is that what this is?

It's all right if you are. It would actually explain a lot.

No, Mam, I'm not gay.

But if I were, like, hypofarically... Hy...

-Hypothetically.

-Hypothetically, if I were,

he'd be the guy I'd want to be gay with.

I actually just got a mental picture of...

-SHE LAUGHS

-..Jock bumming you.

And it wasn't pretty!

You think Jock would be bumming me?

-I'd be bumming Jock!

-No.

-If anyone's bumming anyone...

-No!

No, Jock would be bumming you. You'd be his little bitch.

We'd take it in turns.

Oh, Jesus.

Your dad was just like that. He'd always have a laugh like that.

All we need to do is burn our uniforms

and nothin' will get traced back to us.

Me jumper's gone.

Who the fuck would take a school jumper covered in paint?

Whoo!

MUSIC: Peter And The Wolf by Prokofiev

CLANKING AND YELLING

Billy Murphy?! When the hell did he get out?

Not sure, but this could work out well for us.

We just let him wear that jumper round town.

The police will think it was him who did it.

What?

Mam stitched me name on the inside of that jumper.

Come on.

Hooo!

-All right, Billy.

-HE LAUGHS

All right, Billy.

SMASHING, CAT YOWLS

All right, lads.

What the fuck do you want?

Nothin', just sayin' hi.

And I definitely don't want that jumper you're wearin'.

Why don't you want it?

-Is there something wrong with it?

-No. Just don't want it.

It's not something I'd ever wear, like.

Well, maybe I'll make ya wear it.

There's no fuckin' way you would make me wear that thing.

If I want you to wear it, you're going to fuckin' wear it, all right?

Not a chance, boy!

That's it. You'll fuckin' wear it!

All right, all right, he'll wear it.

Won't you, Jock?

What?

I've changed my mind.

I thought you just said you were gonna make him wear it.

No. Now I'm the one who's gonna wear it, all right?

Great, cos I don't wanna wear it. It's a manky old thing.

If I want you to wear it, you're gonna fuckin' wear it, all right?

There's no way you'll ever get that jumper on him.

Look, I'm fuckin' sick shit of the two of ye, all right?

Give me your fags and your money

or I'll kick the livin' shit out of the pair of ye.

Come on!

You're lucky I didn't give you a fuckin' dig.

HE COUGHS AND GROANS

Tell your mam I was askin' for her, all right?

Hiya. How's it going?

You're from the fish stall in the market, yeah?

I'm the mackerel guy!

That's what you say when you're serving me.

I know who you are. What are you doing here?

Got to question a few scumbags about a robbery.

What about you?

My son is not a scumbag.

Fuck.

Thanks for coming in, Ms MacSweeney.

-Fifth time this year?

-Fourth.

-Oh.

So, Conor and Jock said they were with you on Wednesday.

That's correct. We went to the cinema.

What did you go and see?

One of the Batmans.

I don't know which one.

Don't ask me. I wasn't paying attention.

-Which one?

-The second one.

Batman II.

What came out about 40 years ago, you know that, yeah?

Special screening.

-We saw the editor's cut.

-Mm-hm.

What cinema did you go to?

ALL ANSWER DIFFERENTLY

Can we cut the bullshit, yeah?

Cut the bullshit?

I came here of my own free will to answer one simple fuckin' question.

Was my son Conor and his friend Jock with me on Wednesday?

And the answer's yes.

We went to see a film.

Me, Conor, Jock. Got popcorn.

End of fuckin' story.

Do you recognise this?

-The same...

-One there.

One there.

Guards on patrol retrieved it

from a homeless fella seen wearing it around town.

Give us the jumper.

You're not fuckin' getting it!

Try it on.

It smells and it's dirty, like. I'm not putting this on.

Put the fuckin' thing on!

It's just my size. Can I keep it?

When it comes to delay tactics, I'm pretty much an expert.

I'll hold your head. You'll push your head out forward.

-All right, that's it!

-Push.

Argh!

Well, you know what they say.

If the slipper fits,

you've found your glove.

What have you got there?

-MAIREAD:

-Get off of him!

-Come on.

-Hold his nose!

Hold his nose!

-Open your fuckin' mouth.

-Don't open it, Con.

Swallow it.

GASPING FOR BREATH

I bet they're gonna do that good cop, dickhead cop thing.

Yeah, definitely.

Your mam'll be the good cop, the other two will be the dickheads.

You know I'd go to prison for you in the mornin' if you asked me to.

I'd do the same for you, but we're goin' to get through this.

I'm telling ya, the plan will work.

We stick with it.

Jock, we want to speak to Conor on his own for a minute.

No, I want Jock here.

-I'm goin' to advise him.

-You mean intimidate?

-Intimate?

-Not intimate, intimidate.

And you know exactly what I mean!

Not really. Which one was I doin' with your daughter yesterday?

That was intimate I think, not the other one.

Can we get on with this?

Conor, they have yer school jumper, they know it was you.

Sgt Healy has promised, if you tell the truth, he won't press charges.

What, so they can arrest Jock instead, is it?

People take home the wrong school jumper all the time.

Why do you think she felt the need to name tag it in the first place?

-We didn't do nothin'.

-Why are you covering for him?

Do you really think he'd do the same for you?

He's like an addict, covering for his addiction.

-No, I'm not.

-Yes, you are.

If Jock were a powder you'd be injecting him or snorting him.

So what if I was snorting him?

Better snortin' him than one of them other borin' pricks in my year.

Watch your language.

-What did I say?

-You said prick.

-Prick's not a bad word.

-Yes, it is.

-Is prick a bad word?

Yes, it is, and stop saying it.

Shit and fuck are bad words, prick's just a bit of fun.

Prick is just as bad as shit and fuck.

You're not allowed say any of them!

What about cunt?

What?

Conor. Please, don't make me one of them single mothers

with a convicted son.

Youth Detention Centres are designed to help people like Jock,

but it won't suit a cute little fella like you.

Trust me.

You know what?

You all have it in for Jock.

Everyone does.

The only person that's on his side is me

and you're sayin' I should fuck him over.

He's so misjudged, like.

He doesn't have it easy,

but he doesn't bitch and moan about it like most people.

He rarely says nasty stuff about anyone.

And he's gonna be one of them fellas

who does something great with his life.

There's no way in hell I'd ever turn my back on him

so you can all fuck off.

All right, then.

You leave me with no choice.

Have you nothing to say for yourself?

-Yeah. You can suck my...

-BELL RINGS

YELLING AND CHEERING

Get out of it, you little pricks!

Little scum.

I'm so sorry about the misunderstanding.

It's not me you should be apologising to.

Don't worry about it, Principal Walsh.

Everyone makes enormous mistakes sometimes.

Is there a fag machine inside there?

Not in the school.

Down at the corner, Mary's.

See ya.

-Prick.

-Who said that?

Who said that?!

Told ya it would work.

I didn't say it wouldn't, I just said it was risky.

It's amazing what people will do for two bags of lead.

We can't do it until after GAA practice.

That's fine. Just make sure Conor and Jock

are with Principal Walsh when it happens.

We're from Northern Ireland.

How did you do them real tears?

I just taught about my dad dyin'.

Cool.

Everyone says I'm forever mimicking Jock, but that's a load of bollocks.

We're just best friends and we like the same shit.

Anyone who has a best friend would understand that.

We own this city.

It's ours.