Episode 2 The Young Offenders

This programme contains strong language

They say you need to do something for 10,000 hours to be an expert at it.

Guess what Jock is an expert at?

I've got to stop, me mouth's killing me.

Do you want to do it again tomorrow?

Not tomorrow. We could get lockjaw if we do too much of it.

What's wrong with you now?

I thought we were going out.

Look, I can't talk to you when you're all emotional.

We'll chat about it tomorrow.

OK.

Is she, like, your girlfriend now or something?

Jesus, no.

She seems to think so.

That's her problem.

Jock is like a mentor to me when it comes to women,

and the best person to talk to when it comes to relationship advice.

Having a girlfriend's like buying a bike in the shop.

What's the point when you can steal a different one every day?

-The city's full of them.

-That's all right for you to say.

You're good at stealing bikes.

I'd be happy with just one nice, reliable bike.

Yeah, but would you not like to ride a load of different bikes

before deciding on the one that you want?

I kind of already know the one I like.

All right, fair enough.

Give me the make and model, and I'll nick it for you.

Wait, we are talking about girls, aren't we?

I thought we switched to bikes.

Fuck!

There's Sergeant Healy.

He's basically a shit Irish Terminator.

You know, it's really great to be such an inspiration

to the younger kids in our neighbourhood.

Get out the way!

KIDS SHOUT

-Hurry, hurry, hurry!

-I AM fucking hurrying!

Get back here, lads!

-Come, on this way! Quick!

-Thank you, Mrs McCarthy!

Open the fucking door!

Ah, Jesus Christ!

Our school used to be an all-boys school, but they introduced girls

in the mid-'90s to reduce fighting at lunch break.

Take that out of your nose. I won't tell you again.

And stop holding hands. Stop.

Last thing I'd want to be doing on a hot day

is holding someone's sweaty hand.

# Looking all around when she's in town

# Looking all around. #

Is that the...

..the bike you were on about earlier?

Is it?

I'll help you get with her if you like, but you've got to be careful.

Do you remember what happened to Seany?

Seany fell in love with this wan called Dicey Dearbhla,

and she ended up giving him the flick.

It's over!

He used to be gifted at stealing shit,

but his heart just wasn't in it any more.

HE CRIES

-Oi, come on!

-Get off of me!

He got six months in jail because of that.

Then when he got out, he saw her with another fella.

Now he's a drug addict living on the streets.

Jesus.

Love will do that to you.

As soon as you start to like her too much, you've got to break it off.

Got it.

What are you doing?

Going to ask if she wants to shift you after school.

-No fucking way.

-Why not?

You need to go through the levels. First you stare at them,

then they catch you, and then you go over and explain why you're staring.

Has that ever worked for you?

I'll tell you what, I'll get with her sister, Siobhan.

That way, we'll be like a foursome hanging out,

then eventually, Linda will get bored and she'll have to shift you.

Thanks.

-How's it going?

-How you getting on?

-Not too bad.

We were just eyeing you up there, we saw a bit of a ring.

We could see it shining. Can I have a look at it?

-Got it in the Savoy.

-Is that from the Savoy?

-Yeah.

Do up your tie, will you? Do up your tie.

Up, up, up, up, up, up.

All the way, all the way, all the way. All the way.

-Your hands are so soft.

-It's the moisturising.

Do you use that stuff?

-BOTH:

-Moisturiser.

-Yeah, yeah.

-Yeah.

Come on, you know the rules. Stop holding hands.

Anyone wearing trainers with their uniform,

you've been warned enough times.

Take them off now. Spend the rest of the day in your socks.

I thought getting a girlfriend would involve something simple,

like telling them you like them and asking them to go out with you,

but it's actually a lot more complicated than that.

Linda has to see you shifting someone else.

That way, she'll think you're the man.

-This him?

-Yeah.

This is Janette, she was one of my first.

Good kisser, no bullshit.

JANETTE SNORTS

This needs to look natural, like the two of you have done it

-loads before, and Linda, the black one, has to be watching.

-Yep.

Let's get on with it.

We've been waiting here ages. Mam and Da are picking us up soon.

Yeah, sorry. Janette had to stop to get a tampon from the shop.

Yeah.

You want to shift?

Yeah, all right, then.

-Hi, Linda.

-Hi.

This is Janette.

Hiya.

JANETTE SNORTS

Ready?

Come on, then.

Did you ever try and kiss someone

when you know someone else is watching?

You start picturing what they see, and end up trying to do it better

based on what you think you look like.

Why are you combing my hair?

I'm not combing, I'm caressing.

What does caressing mean?

Er, it's like when you touch something really lovingly.

-Love?

-Well, not love, like, I didn't mean that.

-I don't love you.

-You'd better not!

This is fucked up. I'm going.

She's obviously not having a good day.

Clearly.

I mean, I don't know why she got so upset.

Using your hands shows initiative.

The way you held her and the way you touched her and...

Yeah.

..the way you held your body around her, your body language.

I think it was pretty romantic.

Well, like, tell me if I'm wrong, but isn't this nice?

-Oh, yeah, it's really nice.

-Oh, your hair's way better!

-Yeah!

-It feels like ropes.

No, it's not like ropes, but, yeah, I get your point, though.

Yeah. She must have a thing about her hair.

It's not even like she was that good.

Her tongue was like...

..like an angry snake.

-Are you OK?

-Yeah, thanks.

Shit, fuck. Sorry, no...

You got a tissue?

-Are you sure?

-Go for it. It's fine, it needs washed anyway.

-Positive?

-Yeah.

Thanks.

Er...

You've got just a little bit left.

-Oh, I...

-No, it's fine.

You've got to hand it to Jock.

His advice on girls is pretty much idiot-proof.

I thought you said they were meeting friends. Like, girl friends.

Why, what's wrong with them?

They're the worst!

They are literally the worst two fellas in the school!

Oh, I hate them. I hate them!

They're only having a chat with two fellas on a bench, for God's sake.

Orla, this is where it starts.

They talk on the bench, and then they go back to the house.

They say, "Let's chill."

That's the words they use, then they don't chill.

Barry, you're going to have to trust the girls.

You know that, like, OK?

-I'm going to go over and say hello.

-Yeah, go over and say hello,

and don't embarrass the girls in front of their two friends.

HE COUGHS EXAGGERATEDLY

Jock. Conor.

-All right so?

-Hi, sir.

Girls, your mam's in the car, waiting for you.

I'll be over in a minute.

Can I sit down?

See you and Linda and Siobhan are getting very friendly these days.

Just like to ask you what your intentions are...

..man-to-man.

Is this one of them conversations about protection?

HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

What's up with him?

Calm down now, Barry. Barry...

-You're not hanging out with them any more.

-Barry...

..necking their face off!

Barry, would you just drive the fucking car?!

ENGINE STARTS

That's me da there. He died a few years back.

Some dickhead dropped a hammer off a roof.

Watch out!

Jesus Christ!

How come you ended up with Dad?

Same as everyone else - I got pregnant.

You didn't have to marry him, though. What did you like about him?

Is this about a girl?

No, fuck off.

Relax! Jesus.

After your dad got me up the pole, I was raging.

Couldn't even look at him.

I'd say a month went by.

He'd be calling every day, and I'd be saying I wasn't in.

But then another month went by, I didn't hear from him at all.

I was feeling like shit,

so your grandad brought me down to his workshop,

and he showed me a wooden cot he'd made.

It was ugly as fuck.

But so much thought had gone into it.

Then he told me that your dad was down there every day

for the last month, making it with him.

Wasn't the smartest, your dad.

But he knew if he won your grandad over, he'd have me too.

AS VOICEOVER: I like to think that, someday,

I might be doing carpentry with Linda's da.

DOORBELL RINGS

Hiya.

Hi.

Can I come in?

Being a good criminal is all about keeping your cool

when confronted by the Guards.

Hiya.

Just checking in you're OK after that ordeal in the school last week.

I'm fine.

And you're OK?

Yeah. Fine.

Brought you some biscuits.

There was no need.

I wanted to.

Thanks.

Maybe I'll leave you my number,

just in case you ever need a Guard for something.

Can I not just dial 999?

Well, if you can't get through, you'll have this as a backup.

OK.

I'll show myself out.

Bye.

Bye.

What was that about?

Fucked if I know.

-Boop!

-What are you doing?

-It's a boop.

-A boop?

Yeah, you do it to someone you think is cute.

Lads.

Siobhan was telling me inside the bathrooms that he was after

-getting off with four girls through the week.

-Siobhan Casey?

-Yeah.

-She's a fucking bitch.

So? She's telling the truth, like.

Everyone knows that's the way Jock is.

I know what you're doing.

Is it like the kind of thing where it's hard to get?

You tell me to fuck off, and then it's like

then you always want me to come back to you.

I've seen that in the movies.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Are you expecting anyone?

No.

-Hello!

-Hello, hello!

Jesus!

Hello!

-Hi, sir.

-All right?

What do you want?

Can we come inside?

In here? To MY house?

When I was younger, I used to have difficulty reading body language,

but I'm pretty good at it these days.

Dad, what are you doing?

-I

-invited them over.

Come in, boys. Make yourselves at home.

Thank you.

Thank you.

SHE MOUTHS

I don't want you upsetting our two girls, all right?

What, as long as they just get pregnant and not upset?

I guess that's what matters, right?

For fuck's sake, what are you on about?

They're here to sexually involve themselves with Linda and Siobhan.

That's why they're here. They're not here for sausages and burgers.

You could have warned me Jock was coming. I would have gone out.

The only reason Jock came's because Conor wouldn't go without him.

They're like two peas in a pod.

We're going to have a lovely fucking evening,

you're going to put some sausages on that barbecue,

and you're going to fucking smile, all right?

You're going to be a granny in nine months' time

because you want sausages and smiles today.

Have you seen Dad's face?

That's what he looks like now because of you.

As long as you're happy, that's all that matters, isn't it?

Yeah, I'm glad you fucking understand that.

-Good, yeah.

-Yeah.

-Yeah, good.

-Best behaviour now, Barry, right?

Best behaviour. All smiles.

All smiles, exactly.

-Yeah, happy fucking days.

-Yeah.

Little fucking pricks.

There's no need to be nervous. You've seen her looking at you,

she can't take her eyes off you since you arrived.

I just go up and I say...

"All right, hi, Linda."

-IN HIGH VOICE:

-"Oh, hello, Conor."

What, that's Linda, is it?

Yeah.

Grand, all right.

-Hi, Linda.

-Hello, Conor.

So...

Do you want to maybe...?

Do you want to be my girlfriend?

Oh, have to check my schedule to see if I'm busy.

Fuck you, so. If you don't have time for me, fuck...

Fuck off.

I've checked my schedule, and I'm free this weekend.

Boop!

Are you actually? Nice. All right.

So, what, maybe we could go out on Saturday or something?

I'm free on Saturday, Conor, but you need to give me a kiss.

Er...

What the fuck are you doing, boy?

You said, "Give me a kiss."

-Yeah,

-I

-didn't say that, Linda said that.

Yeah, I was kissing Linda.

Just drop it, all right? Sorry.

Hey, but I'll see you Saturday.

-Was that good?

-You did well, though.

That's the kind of thing we'll be going for.

OK, yeah, yeah.

I'll just stay calm and collected.

ENTHUSIASTICALLY: Hiya!

Fucking hell, why did I do that?

-Just leave you to it, all right?

-No, fucking stay!

-No...

-Stay, please!

-Please, please! Fucking hell.

-Hiya.

Shit!

-Are you all right?

-Yeah!

-How's it going?

-Hiya.

You look good.

I know.

You OK?

-I'm fine.

-All right.

You seem a bit moody or something.

No.

All right.

Fuck...

-Are you nervous?

-No, why?

You're pulling the hairs out your 'tache.

I'm just checking the length. It's just...

You know, it grows so quick, you've got to keep on top of it, you know?

Yeah, I guess, yeah.

All right, let's cut the bullshit.

-What bullshit?

-Huh?

-What?

I just need to say something.

-OK.

-So...

Just give me a second. Sorry.

-Sir, how are you?

-Mm.

Nice old selection of sausages there.

Conor likes them short stumpy ones. Have you had them before?

I kind of prefer the long skinny ones there.

I'd say Siobhan likes a big sausage, does she?

So...

..Linda...

..do you think...?

What do you think about...?

If you're interested...

HE BELCHES

..at all, in any way, at some point...?

In what?

Like, go with me?

-Go where?

-Just kind of in general.

Just kind of go with me, like?

Like, be your girlfriend?

Pff!

No! Ha!

No, of course not!

Ask me again.

-What?

-Ask me.

Just ask me again.

Will you be my girlfriend?

-Linda!

-One second!

Now, Linda! Your mother needs help in the kitchen.

-Just wait here two seconds. All right?

-All right.

-I'll be right back to you.

-All right.

-OK. Promise.

-Promise.

-Two seconds.

-Two seconds.

Boom!

What did she say?

Nothing yet, she had to go help her mam.

But I'm pretty sure she's going to say yes, though!

A big sausage for me, yeah?

You're not getting any sausage!

What's got into you?

What are you smiling about?

Nothing.

Come on, why are you smiling?

You can't take it off your face!

Has it got something to do with that ride outside gawking in at you?

He asked me to be his girlfriend, and...

-And?

-And what?

And what did you say?

I didn't give him an answer yet,

I just came here because Da said you wanted me up here.

Ah, Jesus, don't leave him hanging, the poor fucker.

He's probably bricking it.

I wouldn't tell him till next week, and make him sweat.

That way he'll always want you, even after you dump him.

You have a very dark side to you.

I don't know where you get that from.

What did I tell you?

Ah, me balls!

Sorry, sir. We were just doing a bit of wrestling.

It's OK.

I love wrestling.

-Oh, yeah?

-Yeah.

Haven't done it in ages.

Do you mind if I have a go?

What, with me?

Yeah.

HE CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY

Wait, are you being serious now, or is this one of them situations

where I misread the signals and end up in trouble?

No, it'll be a bit of fun.

Come on.

What's wrong?

Er, this just feels a bit weird.

MUSIC: Habanera from Carmen by Bizet

That was good. You're still good.

It was, yeah.

What's going on out there?

Looks like they're wrestling.

This should be interesting.

That was close.

-It's a good one, yeah?

-Yeah.

Looks a bit winded there, doesn't he? Yeah.

-All right? Want to take a break?

-No.

There you are.

Do you mind if I sit down for a while?

I just want to hug, we don't have to kiss or nothing.

-No!

-Please?

I've got this weird pain.

A hug would definitely make it go away for a while.

Jesus Christ!

Please?

That's a good one.

So you want to go out with my Linda, yeah?

Yeah! I mean, that's all right with you.

I really like her.

And you think you're good enough for her?

I don't know, really.

But I guess that's for her to decide.

And if she'd go out with me, I'd be the happiest fella around.

BARRY CHUCKLES

What's so funny?

Do you seriously think I'd let someone like you

go out with my Linda?

What do you mean, "like me"?

You're nothing but a little scumbag knacker.

I know it, Linda knows it, everybody knows it.

And I'd never let you near her.

Jesus!

What the fuck, Conor?

I'm sorry!

-Are you OK?

-Stay away from him!

-I'm OK, I'm OK.

He was saying some nasty shit.

I was doing a bit of taunting.

That's what happens in wrestling, isn't it?

I thought you were being serious.

Well, I wasn't.

And even if I was, when is it OK to punch somebody in the face?

I'm sorry.

You need to go.

I'll get some ice.

He's lucky.

If this was in school, I'd have him expelled. Hitting a teacher!

What?

You should be ashamed of yourself.

A grown man fighting a 15-year-old boy!

And do you know the worst thing?

You're after breaking your daughter's heart.

You know what?

You haven't taken the time to find out anything about me.

You don't know what food I like...

..what I want to be when I grow up, what I'm good at, what I'm bad at.

You just see this face, hear this accent, see my fashion sense,

and you've just made up your mind.

But there's more going on up here...

..than that.

Conor...

..what food DO you like?

Chicken.

This was the first time Jock had ever been rejected,

and he was taking it better than I expected.

I'm not crying, boy.

It's just hay fever.

I didn't say nothing.

Do you want to shift me friend?

Fuck off!

I heard that only your first love gets to break your heart.

After that, you spend your whole life trying to fix it.

Siobhan's a fucking bitch, boy.

I'm delighted I don't have to talk to her any more.

# Stay in on the weekends

# Watching what I'm eating

# Dancing with my demons

# That's how I'm dealing now

# Drunk in the hallway

# Pissing in the doorway

# Finished with the foreplay

# That's how I'm feeling now

# This is my comeback girl This is my comeback girl

# This is my comeback This is my comeback girl... #