Episode 2 The Young Offenders


Episode 2

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Transcript


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This programme contains strong language

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They say you need to do something for 10,000 hours to be an expert at it.

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Guess what Jock is an expert at?

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I've got to stop, me mouth's killing me.

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Do you want to do it again tomorrow?

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Not tomorrow. We could get lockjaw if we do too much of it.

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What's wrong with you now?

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I thought we were going out.

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Look, I can't talk to you when you're all emotional.

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We'll chat about it tomorrow.

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OK.

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Is she, like, your girlfriend now or something?

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Jesus, no.

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She seems to think so.

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That's her problem.

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Jock is like a mentor to me when it comes to women,

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and the best person to talk to when it comes to relationship advice.

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Having a girlfriend's like buying a bike in the shop.

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What's the point when you can steal a different one every day?

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-The city's full of them.

-That's all right for you to say.

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You're good at stealing bikes.

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I'd be happy with just one nice, reliable bike.

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Yeah, but would you not like to ride a load of different bikes

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before deciding on the one that you want?

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I kind of already know the one I like.

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All right, fair enough.

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Give me the make and model, and I'll nick it for you.

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Wait, we are talking about girls, aren't we?

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I thought we switched to bikes.

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Fuck!

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There's Sergeant Healy.

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He's basically a shit Irish Terminator.

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You know, it's really great to be such an inspiration

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to the younger kids in our neighbourhood.

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Get out the way!

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KIDS SHOUT

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-Hurry, hurry, hurry!

-I AM fucking hurrying!

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Get back here, lads!

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-Come, on this way! Quick!

-Thank you, Mrs McCarthy!

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Open the fucking door!

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Ah, Jesus Christ!

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Our school used to be an all-boys school, but they introduced girls

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in the mid-'90s to reduce fighting at lunch break.

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Take that out of your nose. I won't tell you again.

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And stop holding hands. Stop.

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Last thing I'd want to be doing on a hot day

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is holding someone's sweaty hand.

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# Looking all around when she's in town

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# Looking all around. #

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Is that the...

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..the bike you were on about earlier?

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Is it?

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I'll help you get with her if you like, but you've got to be careful.

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Do you remember what happened to Seany?

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Seany fell in love with this wan called Dicey Dearbhla,

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and she ended up giving him the flick.

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It's over!

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He used to be gifted at stealing shit,

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but his heart just wasn't in it any more.

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HE CRIES

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-Oi, come on!

-Get off of me!

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He got six months in jail because of that.

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Then when he got out, he saw her with another fella.

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Now he's a drug addict living on the streets.

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Jesus.

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Love will do that to you.

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As soon as you start to like her too much, you've got to break it off.

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Got it.

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What are you doing?

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Going to ask if she wants to shift you after school.

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-No fucking way.

-Why not?

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You need to go through the levels. First you stare at them,

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then they catch you, and then you go over and explain why you're staring.

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Has that ever worked for you?

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I'll tell you what, I'll get with her sister, Siobhan.

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That way, we'll be like a foursome hanging out,

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then eventually, Linda will get bored and she'll have to shift you.

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Thanks.

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-How's it going?

-How you getting on?

-Not too bad.

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We were just eyeing you up there, we saw a bit of a ring.

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We could see it shining. Can I have a look at it?

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-Got it in the Savoy.

-Is that from the Savoy?

-Yeah.

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Do up your tie, will you? Do up your tie.

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Up, up, up, up, up, up.

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All the way, all the way, all the way. All the way.

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-Your hands are so soft.

-It's the moisturising.

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Do you use that stuff?

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-BOTH:

-Moisturiser.

-Yeah, yeah.

-Yeah.

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Come on, you know the rules. Stop holding hands.

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Anyone wearing trainers with their uniform,

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you've been warned enough times.

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Take them off now. Spend the rest of the day in your socks.

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I thought getting a girlfriend would involve something simple,

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like telling them you like them and asking them to go out with you,

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but it's actually a lot more complicated than that.

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Linda has to see you shifting someone else.

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That way, she'll think you're the man.

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-This him?

-Yeah.

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This is Janette, she was one of my first.

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Good kisser, no bullshit.

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JANETTE SNORTS

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This needs to look natural, like the two of you have done it

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-loads before, and Linda, the black one, has to be watching.

-Yep.

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Let's get on with it.

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We've been waiting here ages. Mam and Da are picking us up soon.

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Yeah, sorry. Janette had to stop to get a tampon from the shop.

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Yeah.

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You want to shift?

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Yeah, all right, then.

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-Hi, Linda.

-Hi.

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This is Janette.

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Hiya.

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JANETTE SNORTS

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Ready?

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Come on, then.

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Did you ever try and kiss someone

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when you know someone else is watching?

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You start picturing what they see, and end up trying to do it better

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based on what you think you look like.

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Why are you combing my hair?

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I'm not combing, I'm caressing.

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What does caressing mean?

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Er, it's like when you touch something really lovingly.

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-Love?

-Well, not love, like, I didn't mean that.

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-I don't love you.

-You'd better not!

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This is fucked up. I'm going.

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She's obviously not having a good day.

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Clearly.

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I mean, I don't know why she got so upset.

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Using your hands shows initiative.

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The way you held her and the way you touched her and...

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Yeah.

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..the way you held your body around her, your body language.

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I think it was pretty romantic.

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Well, like, tell me if I'm wrong, but isn't this nice?

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-Oh, yeah, it's really nice.

-Oh, your hair's way better!

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-Yeah!

-It feels like ropes.

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No, it's not like ropes, but, yeah, I get your point, though.

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Yeah. She must have a thing about her hair.

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It's not even like she was that good.

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Her tongue was like...

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..like an angry snake.

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-Are you OK?

-Yeah, thanks.

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Shit, fuck. Sorry, no...

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You got a tissue?

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-Are you sure?

-Go for it. It's fine, it needs washed anyway.

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-Positive?

-Yeah.

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Thanks.

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Er...

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You've got just a little bit left.

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-Oh, I...

-No, it's fine.

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You've got to hand it to Jock.

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His advice on girls is pretty much idiot-proof.

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I thought you said they were meeting friends. Like, girl friends.

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Why, what's wrong with them?

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They're the worst!

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They are literally the worst two fellas in the school!

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Oh, I hate them. I hate them!

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They're only having a chat with two fellas on a bench, for God's sake.

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Orla, this is where it starts.

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They talk on the bench, and then they go back to the house.

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They say, "Let's chill."

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That's the words they use, then they don't chill.

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Barry, you're going to have to trust the girls.

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You know that, like, OK?

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-I'm going to go over and say hello.

-Yeah, go over and say hello,

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and don't embarrass the girls in front of their two friends.

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HE COUGHS EXAGGERATEDLY

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Jock. Conor.

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-All right so?

-Hi, sir.

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Girls, your mam's in the car, waiting for you.

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I'll be over in a minute.

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Can I sit down?

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See you and Linda and Siobhan are getting very friendly these days.

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Just like to ask you what your intentions are...

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..man-to-man.

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Is this one of them conversations about protection?

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HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

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What's up with him?

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Calm down now, Barry. Barry...

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-You're not hanging out with them any more.

-Barry...

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..necking their face off!

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Barry, would you just drive the fucking car?!

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ENGINE STARTS

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That's me da there. He died a few years back.

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Some dickhead dropped a hammer off a roof.

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Watch out!

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Jesus Christ!

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How come you ended up with Dad?

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Same as everyone else - I got pregnant.

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You didn't have to marry him, though. What did you like about him?

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Is this about a girl?

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No, fuck off.

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Relax! Jesus.

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After your dad got me up the pole, I was raging.

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Couldn't even look at him.

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I'd say a month went by.

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He'd be calling every day, and I'd be saying I wasn't in.

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But then another month went by, I didn't hear from him at all.

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I was feeling like shit,

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so your grandad brought me down to his workshop,

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and he showed me a wooden cot he'd made.

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It was ugly as fuck.

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But so much thought had gone into it.

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Then he told me that your dad was down there every day

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for the last month, making it with him.

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Wasn't the smartest, your dad.

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But he knew if he won your grandad over, he'd have me too.

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AS VOICEOVER: I like to think that, someday,

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I might be doing carpentry with Linda's da.

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DOORBELL RINGS

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Hiya.

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Hi.

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Can I come in?

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Being a good criminal is all about keeping your cool

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when confronted by the Guards.

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Hiya.

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Just checking in you're OK after that ordeal in the school last week.

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I'm fine.

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And you're OK?

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Yeah. Fine.

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Brought you some biscuits.

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There was no need.

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I wanted to.

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Thanks.

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Maybe I'll leave you my number,

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just in case you ever need a Guard for something.

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Can I not just dial 999?

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Well, if you can't get through, you'll have this as a backup.

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OK.

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I'll show myself out.

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Bye.

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Bye.

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What was that about?

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Fucked if I know.

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-Boop!

-What are you doing?

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-It's a boop.

-A boop?

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Yeah, you do it to someone you think is cute.

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Lads.

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Siobhan was telling me inside the bathrooms that he was after

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-getting off with four girls through the week.

-Siobhan Casey?

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-Yeah.

-She's a fucking bitch.

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So? She's telling the truth, like.

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Everyone knows that's the way Jock is.

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I know what you're doing.

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Is it like the kind of thing where it's hard to get?

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You tell me to fuck off, and then it's like

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then you always want me to come back to you.

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I've seen that in the movies.

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KNOCK AT DOOR

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Are you expecting anyone?

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No.

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-Hello!

-Hello, hello!

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Jesus!

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Hello!

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-Hi, sir.

-All right?

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What do you want?

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Can we come inside?

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In here? To MY house?

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When I was younger, I used to have difficulty reading body language,

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but I'm pretty good at it these days.

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Dad, what are you doing?

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-I

-invited them over.

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Come in, boys. Make yourselves at home.

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Thank you.

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Thank you.

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SHE MOUTHS

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I don't want you upsetting our two girls, all right?

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What, as long as they just get pregnant and not upset?

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I guess that's what matters, right?

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For fuck's sake, what are you on about?

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They're here to sexually involve themselves with Linda and Siobhan.

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That's why they're here. They're not here for sausages and burgers.

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You could have warned me Jock was coming. I would have gone out.

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The only reason Jock came's because Conor wouldn't go without him.

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They're like two peas in a pod.

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We're going to have a lovely fucking evening,

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you're going to put some sausages on that barbecue,

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and you're going to fucking smile, all right?

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You're going to be a granny in nine months' time

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because you want sausages and smiles today.

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Have you seen Dad's face?

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That's what he looks like now because of you.

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As long as you're happy, that's all that matters, isn't it?

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Yeah, I'm glad you fucking understand that.

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-Good, yeah.

-Yeah.

-Yeah, good.

-Best behaviour now, Barry, right?

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Best behaviour. All smiles.

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All smiles, exactly.

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-Yeah, happy fucking days.

-Yeah.

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Little fucking pricks.

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There's no need to be nervous. You've seen her looking at you,

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she can't take her eyes off you since you arrived.

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I just go up and I say...

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"All right, hi, Linda."

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-IN HIGH VOICE:

-"Oh, hello, Conor."

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What, that's Linda, is it?

0:18:060:18:08

Yeah.

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Grand, all right.

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-Hi, Linda.

-Hello, Conor.

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So...

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Do you want to maybe...?

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Do you want to be my girlfriend?

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Oh, have to check my schedule to see if I'm busy.

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Fuck you, so. If you don't have time for me, fuck...

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Fuck off.

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I've checked my schedule, and I'm free this weekend.

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Boop!

0:18:290:18:30

Are you actually? Nice. All right.

0:18:320:18:36

So, what, maybe we could go out on Saturday or something?

0:18:360:18:39

I'm free on Saturday, Conor, but you need to give me a kiss.

0:18:390:18:43

Er...

0:18:460:18:47

What the fuck are you doing, boy?

0:18:500:18:52

You said, "Give me a kiss."

0:18:530:18:55

-Yeah,

-I

-didn't say that, Linda said that.

0:18:550:18:57

Yeah, I was kissing Linda.

0:18:570:18:59

Just drop it, all right? Sorry.

0:19:010:19:03

Hey, but I'll see you Saturday.

0:19:060:19:08

-Was that good?

-You did well, though.

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That's the kind of thing we'll be going for.

0:19:110:19:14

OK, yeah, yeah.

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I'll just stay calm and collected.

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ENTHUSIASTICALLY: Hiya!

0:19:170:19:19

Fucking hell, why did I do that?

0:19:190:19:20

-Just leave you to it, all right?

-No, fucking stay!

0:19:220:19:25

-No...

-Stay, please!

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-Please, please! Fucking hell.

-Hiya.

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Shit!

0:19:330:19:34

-Are you all right?

-Yeah!

0:19:380:19:40

-How's it going?

-Hiya.

0:19:420:19:45

You look good.

0:19:450:19:46

I know.

0:19:460:19:48

You OK?

0:19:500:19:52

-I'm fine.

-All right.

0:19:520:19:53

You seem a bit moody or something.

0:19:550:19:57

No.

0:19:570:19:58

All right.

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Fuck...

0:20:170:20:18

-Are you nervous?

-No, why?

0:20:210:20:25

You're pulling the hairs out your 'tache.

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I'm just checking the length. It's just...

0:20:270:20:30

You know, it grows so quick, you've got to keep on top of it, you know?

0:20:300:20:33

Yeah, I guess, yeah.

0:20:330:20:34

All right, let's cut the bullshit.

0:20:370:20:40

-What bullshit?

-Huh?

-What?

0:20:400:20:42

I just need to say something.

0:20:420:20:43

-OK.

-So...

0:20:430:20:45

Just give me a second. Sorry.

0:20:450:20:47

-Sir, how are you?

-Mm.

0:20:500:20:52

Nice old selection of sausages there.

0:20:550:20:57

Conor likes them short stumpy ones. Have you had them before?

0:20:590:21:03

I kind of prefer the long skinny ones there.

0:21:030:21:06

I'd say Siobhan likes a big sausage, does she?

0:21:080:21:10

So...

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..Linda...

0:21:140:21:16

..do you think...?

0:21:160:21:17

What do you think about...?

0:21:180:21:20

If you're interested...

0:21:200:21:22

HE BELCHES

0:21:220:21:23

..at all, in any way, at some point...?

0:21:230:21:25

In what?

0:21:250:21:27

Like, go with me?

0:21:270:21:29

-Go where?

-Just kind of in general.

0:21:290:21:32

Just kind of go with me, like?

0:21:320:21:33

Like, be your girlfriend?

0:21:330:21:35

Pff!

0:21:350:21:37

No! Ha!

0:21:370:21:39

No, of course not!

0:21:390:21:41

Ask me again.

0:21:410:21:43

-What?

-Ask me.

0:21:440:21:46

Just ask me again.

0:21:460:21:48

Will you be my girlfriend?

0:21:500:21:51

-Linda!

-One second!

0:21:510:21:53

Now, Linda! Your mother needs help in the kitchen.

0:21:530:21:56

-Just wait here two seconds. All right?

-All right.

0:21:580:22:00

-I'll be right back to you.

-All right.

0:22:000:22:02

-OK. Promise.

-Promise.

0:22:020:22:04

-Two seconds.

-Two seconds.

0:22:040:22:06

Boom!

0:22:070:22:09

What did she say?

0:22:110:22:12

Nothing yet, she had to go help her mam.

0:22:120:22:14

But I'm pretty sure she's going to say yes, though!

0:22:160:22:18

A big sausage for me, yeah?

0:22:210:22:22

You're not getting any sausage!

0:22:220:22:24

What's got into you?

0:22:240:22:26

What are you smiling about?

0:22:340:22:36

Nothing.

0:22:360:22:38

Come on, why are you smiling?

0:22:380:22:40

You can't take it off your face!

0:22:400:22:42

Has it got something to do with that ride outside gawking in at you?

0:22:450:22:48

He asked me to be his girlfriend, and...

0:22:490:22:52

-And?

-And what?

0:22:520:22:54

And what did you say?

0:22:540:22:56

I didn't give him an answer yet,

0:22:560:22:57

I just came here because Da said you wanted me up here.

0:22:570:23:01

Ah, Jesus, don't leave him hanging, the poor fucker.

0:23:010:23:03

He's probably bricking it.

0:23:030:23:05

I wouldn't tell him till next week, and make him sweat.

0:23:050:23:08

That way he'll always want you, even after you dump him.

0:23:080:23:10

You have a very dark side to you.

0:23:100:23:12

I don't know where you get that from.

0:23:130:23:15

What did I tell you?

0:23:180:23:20

Ah, me balls!

0:23:230:23:24

Sorry, sir. We were just doing a bit of wrestling.

0:23:400:23:44

It's OK.

0:23:440:23:45

I love wrestling.

0:23:460:23:48

-Oh, yeah?

-Yeah.

0:23:480:23:50

Haven't done it in ages.

0:23:520:23:53

Do you mind if I have a go?

0:23:560:23:58

What, with me?

0:23:580:24:00

Yeah.

0:24:000:24:01

HE CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY

0:24:020:24:04

Wait, are you being serious now, or is this one of them situations

0:24:040:24:07

where I misread the signals and end up in trouble?

0:24:070:24:10

No, it'll be a bit of fun.

0:24:100:24:11

Come on.

0:24:120:24:14

What's wrong?

0:24:160:24:17

Er, this just feels a bit weird.

0:24:170:24:19

MUSIC: Habanera from Carmen by Bizet

0:24:250:24:29

That was good. You're still good.

0:24:450:24:47

It was, yeah.

0:24:470:24:48

What's going on out there?

0:24:500:24:51

Looks like they're wrestling.

0:24:580:24:59

This should be interesting.

0:25:030:25:05

That was close.

0:25:120:25:13

-It's a good one, yeah?

-Yeah.

0:25:130:25:15

Looks a bit winded there, doesn't he? Yeah.

0:25:330:25:36

-All right? Want to take a break?

-No.

0:25:360:25:39

There you are.

0:25:490:25:50

Do you mind if I sit down for a while?

0:25:520:25:54

I just want to hug, we don't have to kiss or nothing.

0:25:540:25:56

-No!

-Please?

0:25:560:25:59

I've got this weird pain.

0:25:590:26:01

A hug would definitely make it go away for a while.

0:26:010:26:03

Jesus Christ!

0:26:030:26:05

Please?

0:26:070:26:08

That's a good one.

0:26:170:26:18

So you want to go out with my Linda, yeah?

0:26:290:26:31

Yeah! I mean, that's all right with you.

0:26:310:26:34

I really like her.

0:26:340:26:35

And you think you're good enough for her?

0:26:350:26:38

I don't know, really.

0:26:380:26:40

But I guess that's for her to decide.

0:26:400:26:42

And if she'd go out with me, I'd be the happiest fella around.

0:26:420:26:45

BARRY CHUCKLES

0:26:450:26:47

What's so funny?

0:26:470:26:48

Do you seriously think I'd let someone like you

0:26:480:26:50

go out with my Linda?

0:26:500:26:52

What do you mean, "like me"?

0:26:530:26:55

You're nothing but a little scumbag knacker.

0:26:550:26:58

I know it, Linda knows it, everybody knows it.

0:26:580:27:00

And I'd never let you near her.

0:27:000:27:02

Jesus!

0:27:190:27:21

What the fuck, Conor?

0:27:290:27:31

I'm sorry!

0:27:310:27:32

-Are you OK?

-Stay away from him!

-I'm OK, I'm OK.

0:27:330:27:37

He was saying some nasty shit.

0:27:380:27:40

I was doing a bit of taunting.

0:27:400:27:42

That's what happens in wrestling, isn't it?

0:27:420:27:44

I thought you were being serious.

0:27:440:27:46

Well, I wasn't.

0:27:460:27:48

And even if I was, when is it OK to punch somebody in the face?

0:27:480:27:52

I'm sorry.

0:27:520:27:53

You need to go.

0:27:550:27:56

I'll get some ice.

0:28:000:28:01

He's lucky.

0:28:170:28:20

If this was in school, I'd have him expelled. Hitting a teacher!

0:28:200:28:23

What?

0:28:240:28:26

You should be ashamed of yourself.

0:28:260:28:28

A grown man fighting a 15-year-old boy!

0:28:290:28:32

And do you know the worst thing?

0:28:320:28:34

You're after breaking your daughter's heart.

0:28:350:28:38

You know what?

0:29:040:29:06

You haven't taken the time to find out anything about me.

0:29:060:29:09

You don't know what food I like...

0:29:110:29:12

..what I want to be when I grow up, what I'm good at, what I'm bad at.

0:29:140:29:17

You just see this face, hear this accent, see my fashion sense,

0:29:190:29:23

and you've just made up your mind.

0:29:230:29:25

But there's more going on up here...

0:29:270:29:29

..than that.

0:29:310:29:33

Conor...

0:29:410:29:42

..what food DO you like?

0:29:450:29:47

Chicken.

0:29:490:29:51

This was the first time Jock had ever been rejected,

0:30:040:30:07

and he was taking it better than I expected.

0:30:070:30:10

I'm not crying, boy.

0:30:100:30:11

It's just hay fever.

0:30:110:30:13

I didn't say nothing.

0:30:130:30:15

Do you want to shift me friend?

0:30:170:30:19

Fuck off!

0:30:190:30:20

I heard that only your first love gets to break your heart.

0:30:340:30:38

After that, you spend your whole life trying to fix it.

0:30:380:30:42

Siobhan's a fucking bitch, boy.

0:30:420:30:44

I'm delighted I don't have to talk to her any more.

0:30:450:30:47

# Stay in on the weekends

0:30:510:30:53

# Watching what I'm eating

0:30:530:30:56

# Dancing with my demons

0:30:560:30:59

# That's how I'm dealing now

0:30:590:31:01

# Drunk in the hallway

0:31:010:31:04

# Pissing in the doorway

0:31:040:31:06

# Finished with the foreplay

0:31:060:31:08

# That's how I'm feeling now

0:31:080:31:10

# This is my comeback girl This is my comeback girl

0:31:100:31:14

# This is my comeback This is my comeback girl... #

0:31:150:31:19

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