Episode 3 The Young Offenders


Episode 3

Comedy following the coming-of-age adventures of two best friends. Conor and Jock hope that Linda and Siobhan will fall for them after spending an adventurous day with them.


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Transcript


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Jock says that when it comes to women, you can't show any weakness

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and whatever the fuck you do, never, ever apologise.

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How many times do I have to say I'm sorry?

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Ya don't have to say it at all, it would suit me better if ya just

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-fucked off and didn't speak to me ever again.

-It was an accident!

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Ya punched my father in the face?!

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What if de next time ya "accidentally" punch me in de face?

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I couldn't punch ya in the face. Yer too tall.

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Jock also says women usually mean

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the exact opposite of what they say. Like...

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Would ya fuck off and leave me alone?!

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Ya don't shift someone and pretend it meant nothin'.

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I shift every fella dat way, whether I like 'em or not.

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But it felt so meanin'ful.

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Dat's just how I do it.

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I can't help it if fellas, like you, act mental after it.

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I think I've a plan.

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Remember de last time ya had a plan?

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No-one lives here, it's perfect for storin' shit until we sell it.

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Ah, yer a genius, boy!

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DOG BARKS

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Get out ma gaff, ya little fuckin' pricks!

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I'm pretty sure dis plan will work.

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Let's just talk it true, what is it?

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Nah, if we talk it true we might decide

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it's a shit plan and not do it.

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Conor! Shit.

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Ya both want us to fuck off and stop annoyin' you, right?

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-Yes.

-Finally, it's gettin' through.

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-No problem.

-What de fuck?

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On one condition...

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We get one day to try and change yer mind.

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One whole day without ya running away from us.

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The four of us together.

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-Fuck dat.

-Tink about it.

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It's only one day dat ya have to tolerate us,

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or else we'll annoy de livin' shit out of ya for the rest of de year.

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Give us a second.

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Dis is a brutal idea.

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One day isn't enough to break dem.

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Come on, yer de one dat's good at maths, work it out.

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We get a whole day.

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If we add up all de five minutes dat we're getting at the moment

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dat's like a year's worth of time all compressed.

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Oh, I didn't tink about it like that actually.

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When?

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Tomorrow. We'll take a doss day.

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Haven't you used up all your sick days?

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One more and ya might have to repeat de Junior Cert.

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Fuck de Junior Cert, yer more important.

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SHE MOUTHS

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What about yer da?

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We'll get 'round him.

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After tomorrow, ya can't talk to us, ya can't even look at us.

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As ya wish, my love.

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And stop with dat love shit.

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As ya wish.

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9am - at de back school gates?

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If I'm ever a parent, der'll be none of dis negativity all de time...

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Whatever my kid wants to do, I'm goin' to be supportive.

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Not a chance in hell are you gettin' dat tattooed across yer back.

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Just cos ya don't like LCD Sound System.

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What's with de third plate?

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Anthony is joinin' us for dinner.

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-Anthony?

-Yes, Anthony.

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-Tony?

-Tony?

-Sergeant Tony Healy.

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-Healy?!

-Yes, Healy!

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Are you and him...?

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Jesus, no...

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We're just...friends.

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Yer friends with a Garda?

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Do ya know how fucked up dat is?

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-DOORBELL RINGS

-Shut up, he'll hear ya.

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Go on, let him in.

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-Hiya.

-Hiya.

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What do you tink of dat?

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He wants to tattoo it across his entire back.

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It's spelled wrong.

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LCD?

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Can we not discuss dis while we have a guest?!

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Sure, der's nothin' to discuss, I'm gettin' it done.

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I bet dis was Jock's idea.

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It's actually my idea.

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But he's gettin' de same one.

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Ye two are a pair of fuckin' idiots, do you know that?

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Get back in here for yer dinner!

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-Fuck you!

-Fuck you, too!

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More for us.

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It's just one doss day. All the other kids take doss days.

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But they're not supposed to and all the other kids' parents,

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they're not principal of the school.

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Dat wasn't our fuckin' choice now was it.

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Say that again? Did I miss a family meeting?

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Since when was it OK to swear at your parents?

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-I wonder where she gets that from.

-Fuck off.

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SHE SNIFFS

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What now?

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Nothin'.

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You're getting tears all over yer chips.

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Ya have no idea how hard it is bein'

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in that school with you as principal.

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We get picked on every day.

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It's just one doss day, so we can act like normal kids.

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At least we're tellin' ya about it and not doin' it behind yer back.

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SHE MOUTHS

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Dat was one of yer better ones.

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Tanks.

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I always know when Jock has somethin'

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serious on his mind cos he does the same ting over and over.

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What's wrong wit ya?

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Tinkin' 'bout me mam.

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She died two years ago today.

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I forgot all about it.

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Sorry bhoy.

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Tanks.

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Jock's mam was like two parents rolled into one. She had to be.

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Cos his da is only good at one thing...

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Ya can't be thinkin' about yer dead mam when de girls get here.

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Ya gotta be happy and smiley.

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Back a little.

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Bikes? Do we look like we're dressed for bikes?!

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What are ya doing wearin' that?

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Ya said we'd be doin' nice tings.

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And dese are our nice clothes, for doin' nice tings.

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Look, I like dat slutty stuff, it's just it's 9am in de mornin'...

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Where did ya tink we were goin'?

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Dis is not a good start to the day.

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I can't help but help feel a little bit proud that Principal Walsh has me mam on speed dial.

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What do ya mean he's not in school?

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You mean he's not there?

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Eh... Yes, he is... He's not well.

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He's reached the maximum amount of sick days allowed in any one year.

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Yeah, we're all very worried, hopefully he'll pull through.

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-The school rules clearly state he'll...

-Tanks. Bye.

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..that he'll have to resit the Junior Cert...

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Hello? Hello, Ms MacSweeney?

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They are only the days I got caught. The real number's 42.

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Pick up, ya little bollocks!

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-Sorry?

-Not you. Hang on.

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It's Mam. Tink she knows I'm gonna doss before I do.

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It's Conor. You know what to do. Do it fuckin' now.

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Call me back, ya little prick.

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-Come on, will ye?

-Hurry up!

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-Come on!

-This is the start of a beautiful adventure.

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I bet he's gone with Jock to get dat retarded tattoo

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plastered across his back.

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Do ya know how much dat'll cost to get removed?

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-Um...

-It was 200 to remove my ex's name from my backside

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and it was only dat size.

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Do you have a picture of Conor?

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What for?

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He's a minor, he has to be over 18 by law to get a tattoo.

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I'll let all the parlours know they'll have me to answer to

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if they even put one fucking dot of ink on his back.

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You'd do dat?

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I'm a member of the Garda Siochana. It's my duty.

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Thanks.

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Some dickheads are after stealin' our bikes.

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Well, that's what happens when you leave them unattended in yer garage.

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-See these lads?

-No.

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Me chain's after comin' off.

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Were ya back peddlin' again?

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-Wat if I was?

-It just means we'll have to keep stoppin'

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to put de chain back on which is a bit of a waste of time

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when we could be doin' more fun stuff.

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Wat's wrong with ya?

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I got this bike tinkin' it would be good cos it had suspension,

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but it still hurts me arse, like.

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I checked it last night. It's like a bruise in the shape of the saddle.

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How de ye check it?

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How everyone checks it.

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-Go to the doctor?

-No. I'm not havin' a doctor look at my arsehole.

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I put the mirror on the floor and just looked down, like.

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So you saw yer arse crack and yer arsehole and everything there?

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Don't tell me you never look!

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Dat's disgustin'!

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I'm just sayin', even a child knows not to backpedal on a gear bike.

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Did I ask to cycle a fuckin' bike?

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If I had known we were cyclin' bikes I wouldn't have worn heels.

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And if I don't backpedal my fuckin' heels fall off, all right?!

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No need to fuckin' shout.

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Do ya want a kick?

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Fuck!

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Conor!

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Your mam's looking for you!

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If he sees these bikes we're fucked. Cycle, quick!

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Wat's wrong with de bikes?

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-We borrowed dem.

-From who?

-Not sure, dat's de problem.

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We're cyclin' stolen bikes?!

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I know, excitin', isn't it? Come on!

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Come on, pedal, pedal, pedal!

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I can't get me feet in the fuckin' hoops.

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Ya don't need to, just fuckin' pedal, will ya!

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Fuck's sake!

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All women need to see is a bit of skin to get dem in the mood.

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-It's a bikini.

-I know. I'm not wearing it.

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Why not?

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Cos dere's perverts around.

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Where?

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I'm talkin' about the pair of ye, idiot!

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Come on, get changed?

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Not a fuckin' chance.

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What was the point in comin' here, then?

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Good question.

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How do ya tink things are goin' wit dem?

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All right. Dey're still talkin' to us which is the main thing.

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Shit, der lookin', der lookin'.

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Makes yer dick look bigger, warm it up.

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-BOTH:

-What are ye doin, bhoy?!

-Wat de fuck!

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Why did ye do that?

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-I was warmin' up mine.

-Same.

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-THEY LAUGH

-Oh, my God!

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-De ye want to never talk about that again?

-Yeah.

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-It's just cos the height, I got confused.

-Me too.

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Jock says I sound like a little girl when I jump off tings. But dat's total bullshit.

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CONOR SCREAMS LIKE A GIRL

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What's he doin'?

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Swimmin'.

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Dat doesn't look like swimmin', it looks like he's drownin', slowly.

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He's still learnin'.

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-Is he all right?

-Should we throw him a life ring?

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This is so embarrassing!

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We'll give him another minute.

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You all right, kid?

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Go 'way, don't talk to me!

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Wat?

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Stand over dere until those people are gone.

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I brought a picnic.

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And just as we're making great progress with the girls...

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Who did that?

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We did.

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Dat's really ungrateful.

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Dey were rotten.

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We've been doin' nothin' but nice tings for you all day

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'n' all yer doin' is flingin' it back at us.

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You haven't done wan nice ting for us,

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you've just bin draggin' us along to whatever you wanted to do.

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Yer showin' yer true colours.

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Wat colours are dem?

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Selfish, bitchy colours.

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Fuck dis, I've had enough.

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His mam's dead two years today.

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Come on, let's go to de graveyard.

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No, yer supposed to be havin' fun.

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Anything'll be more fun dan dis.

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I would have had the sandwich, just don't like cheese.

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I can take the cheese out and leave you with chicken.

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I like chicken.

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Same.

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-Thanks.

-It's all right.

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Goin' to visit someone at their grave is such a strange ting to do.

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It's kinda like visitin'

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someone at der house when you known they're not in.

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I guess we all just need somewhere to go when the person we've lost

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is on our mind, rather than then visiting them

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in our memories over and over again.

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Wat?

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Me da.

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It's bin a shit enough day without bumpin' into dat prick.

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Come on.

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What was she like?

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A bit of a joker.

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She thought she was hilarious.

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But she wasn't.

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Like when we went to order a Chinese takeaway

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and she'd put on a Chinese accent and say...

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"That's the 'wong' order, I ordered the 'Young Dumb Fuck'."

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Or Indian...

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"Last time I ate here I spent the whole night vin-the-loo."

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She was lovely, though.

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The best.

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She's so young. How did she die?

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She drowned.

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Her car was parked by the slipway in Passage.

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Dey never found de body.

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So, she's not here?

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She is here.

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So she's buried here?

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No. But she's here.

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I'm confused, how can she be both.

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Is she here or not?

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Yes, but no.

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# Through the storm we reached the shore

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# You give it all but I want more... #

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Her favourite song.

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# And I'm waiting for you

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# With or without you

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# With or without you, ah-ha

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# I can't live

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# With or without you

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-# And you give yourself away

-Oooh-hooo

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# And you give yourself away...

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# And you give And you give

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# And you give yourself away

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# With or without you With or without you

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# Ah-ha

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# I can't live

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# With or without you

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# Oh, oh, oh ooohhhhhh

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# Oh, oh, oh ooohhhhhh

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# Oh, oh, oh ooohhhhhh

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# Oohh-oohh

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# With or without you

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# Youuuu. #

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See ya later, Mam.

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There's nothin' worse than going to the trouble of stealin' a load

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of bikes only to have some thievin' bastards robbin' dem from you.

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Fuck!

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Get back here, ya thievin' little pricks.

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Fuck off!

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At least give us a crosser back into town!

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Go away and kiss me mam's hole!

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Do you have you got any money for the bus?

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Sayin' sorry is one of dem tings that must get harder as you get older.

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Like, it's not often you hear a 50-year-old say sorry to a two-year-old.

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But when older people do say sorry, they usually mean it.

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Are dey our bikes?

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Hey!

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Fuck off, bhoy!

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Stay where you are, you're under arrest!

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Stop fuckin' movin'! Stop fuckin' movin'!

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Serves ya right, ya thievin' little pricks!

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-Fuckin' stupid cunt!

-Yer a snarky little prick.

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Fuckin'...

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Dat could have bin us.

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Could have bin, would have bin, should have bin, but...

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..it wasn't.

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Conor, how many times has stuff nearly happened to us,

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-but den didn't happen in the end?

-Millions.

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Something nearly happen to us nearly every single day, and den doesn't.

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If everythin' dat nearly happened to us, actually happened...

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We'd have way too much stuff to do.

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Fuck it anyway!

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Wat's wrong wit ya?

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Dis was supposed to be a day you'll remember for de

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rest of yer lives, and cos ya spent it with us you'd remember

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us for de rest of yer lives, instead we spent it cryin' at de graveyard.

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Not every day turns out the way you expect, but it wasn't a bad day.

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DISTANT CHEERING AND SHOUTING AND WHISTLES BLOWING

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What's dat noise?

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Sounds like a football match or something.

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Come on, let's see who can gob off the bridge de furthest.

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THEY HOCK UP SALIVA INTO THEIR MOUTHS

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-Ready.

-Yep.

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One...

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..two...

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..tree...

0:22:420:22:43

-Is dis actually happenin'?!

-Fuck!

0:22:510:22:53

Holy fuckin' shit!

0:22:550:22:56

Sorry for spittin' on you, whale family.

0:22:560:22:58

-REPORTER:

-It's high tide here and the family of orcas have decided to

0:23:040:23:08

make a trip right into the heart of Cork city.

0:23:080:23:11

Crowds of spectators have gathered around to catch

0:23:110:23:14

a glimpse of these giant fish.

0:23:140:23:16

I'm here with some of the locals who witnessed the spectacular events

0:23:190:23:22

of today. Can you tell me a bit about what you saw?

0:23:220:23:24

-Der

-BLEEPING

-flippers came flying out of de

-BLEEPING

-water.

0:23:240:23:28

-No, der

-BLEEPING

-tails!

0:23:280:23:29

-No, de

-BLEEPING

-ting at de end, whatever dey

-BLEEPING

-call it.

0:23:290:23:31

-I've never seen a

-BLEEPING

-whale before.

0:23:310:23:33

-It was

-BLEEPING

-amazing!

0:23:330:23:34

-Big

-BLEEPING, BLEEP, BLEEP, BLEEP!

0:23:380:23:40

-BLEEPING

-hell!

0:23:400:23:41

Well, I think that says it all. Back to you in the studio.

0:23:430:23:46

I suppose I'll see you later?

0:24:030:24:05

Yeah, I'll see you later.

0:24:050:24:07

Remember the deal - no talkin' to me after today.

0:24:100:24:13

Yeah. OK.

0:24:140:24:16

-You just said...

-Shh!

0:24:230:24:25

No talkin'.

0:24:270:24:28

As you wish.

0:24:300:24:31

Dis was me first time spendin' a whole day with a woman other

0:24:460:24:49

that me mam... Feelin' pretty confident.

0:24:490:24:52

So I... Sorry.

0:24:520:24:54

Don't know why I shouted that.

0:24:560:24:58

So I was just going to say...

0:24:580:25:00

You know cos...

0:25:020:25:04

Because they're goin' to be hangin' out together loads now and stuff,

0:25:040:25:07

I was just worried that you were going to be, um...

0:25:070:25:10

..kind of just really lonely and sad all the time.

0:25:120:25:15

Because you don't have another friend now, I was thinkin' that I could maybe...

0:25:150:25:20

Kind of like swoop in like a... Like an eagle and, and, er...

0:25:200:25:26

And chat to you so you're not lonely in school and stuff.

0:25:260:25:29

Only if you want to, like?

0:25:300:25:31

I'm not bothered if you're not. But, please...

0:25:310:25:34

Der's 500 other pupils in de school.

0:25:360:25:38

Why would I want to hang out wit you?

0:25:380:25:40

Yeah. Of course, yeah, stupid.

0:25:440:25:48

All right, then.

0:25:500:25:51

-Yeah.

-I'm just fuckin' with ya.

0:25:520:25:54

You... Ah, ha-ha! Great!

0:26:000:26:03

-Talk to you tomorrow?

-Yeah.

0:26:110:26:14

See you tomorrow. See you later. Ha-ha!

0:26:140:26:16

Now we're quits.

0:26:400:26:41

I wonder wat dey're doin' so close to land.

0:26:520:26:55

Dey were just talkin' about it dere...

0:26:550:26:57

Apparently de mother's not feeling well, and dey come to shore

0:26:570:26:59

when it's time to pass away.

0:26:590:27:02

She's gonna die?

0:27:020:27:03

ORCHESTRAL VERSION OF WITH OR WITHOUT YOU PLAYS

0:27:050:27:07

Your mam's been looking for you all day.

0:27:210:27:23

Come on, let's get you home.

0:27:250:27:27

CONOR: I tink dere's somethin' inside everyone that connects them

0:27:340:27:37

to their mam, in a way dat yer not connected to anyone else...

0:27:370:27:41

Did you get yer tattoo?

0:27:570:27:58

Fuck's sake.

0:28:020:28:03

Even if dey wreck yer head most of the time.

0:28:050:28:07

Go on, son, let me see it.

0:28:080:28:10

It's only when ya picture yer mam gone dat ya realise how much

0:28:120:28:16

ya like dem bein' around.

0:28:160:28:17

Jock got de same one.

0:28:240:28:25

It's beautiful.

0:28:280:28:29

ORCHESTRAL VERSION OF WITH OR WITHOUT YOU CONTINUES

0:28:290:28:31

After the disastrous encounter at the Walsh family barbecue, Conor and Jock have one last chance to make Linda and Siobhan fall for them. They suggest to both girls that they should spend one full day with them, all four together, on what they hope will be a beautiful adventure, so that the girls can see just what they're missing out on. If they don't want to hang out with them after this day, then the lads will give up pursuing them. The girls, sensing an opportunity to rid themselves of the lads once and for all, agree to the suggestion. A sick day from school is the only way they can do this, leading to various difficulties for all four.

Meanwhile, Mairead decides to invite a 'friend' over for dinner, which doesn't go down well with Conor. The special day begins with a clash - the lads haven't told the girls what their plans for the day are, so the girls arrive dressed to impress - not appropriate clothing to cycle on borrowed bikes around Cork for the day. The idea to stop off at the river for a spot of swimming goes down like a lead balloon with the girls. But the lads think that they'll win them over with their swimming skills, which attracts more attention than they bargained for. Things take an unexpected turn when Jock is reminded that the day is a poignant anniversary date, leaving the foursome needing to rally together and be supportive. Jock's sensitive side makes Siobhan think twice about her feelings for him. As the long day continues, attitudes are changed and warmer feelings develop, to the surprise of all.


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