Episode 3 The Young Offenders


Episode 3

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Transcript


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Jock says that when it comes to women, you can't show any weakness

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and whatever the fuck you do, never, ever apologise.

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How many times do I have to say I'm sorry?

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Ya don't have to say it at all, it would suit me better if ya just

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-fucked off and didn't speak to me ever again.

-It was an accident!

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Ya punched my father in the face?!

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What if de next time ya "accidentally" punch me in de face?

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I couldn't punch ya in the face. Yer too tall.

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Jock also says women usually mean

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the exact opposite of what they say. Like...

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Would ya fuck off and leave me alone?!

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Ya don't shift someone and pretend it meant nothin'.

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I shift every fella dat way, whether I like 'em or not.

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But it felt so meanin'ful.

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Dat's just how I do it.

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I can't help it if fellas, like you, act mental after it.

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I think I've a plan.

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Remember de last time ya had a plan?

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No-one lives here, it's perfect for storin' shit until we sell it.

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Ah, yer a genius, boy!

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DOG BARKS

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Get out ma gaff, ya little fuckin' pricks!

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I'm pretty sure dis plan will work.

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Let's just talk it true, what is it?

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Nah, if we talk it true we might decide

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it's a shit plan and not do it.

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Conor! Shit.

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Ya both want us to fuck off and stop annoyin' you, right?

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-Yes.

-Finally, it's gettin' through.

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-No problem.

-What de fuck?

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On one condition...

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We get one day to try and change yer mind.

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One whole day without ya running away from us.

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The four of us together.

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-Fuck dat.

-Tink about it.

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It's only one day dat ya have to tolerate us,

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or else we'll annoy de livin' shit out of ya for the rest of de year.

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Give us a second.

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Dis is a brutal idea.

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One day isn't enough to break dem.

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Come on, yer de one dat's good at maths, work it out.

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We get a whole day.

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If we add up all de five minutes dat we're getting at the moment

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dat's like a year's worth of time all compressed.

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Oh, I didn't tink about it like that actually.

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When?

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Tomorrow. We'll take a doss day.

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Haven't you used up all your sick days?

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One more and ya might have to repeat de Junior Cert.

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Fuck de Junior Cert, yer more important.

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SHE MOUTHS

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What about yer da?

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We'll get 'round him.

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After tomorrow, ya can't talk to us, ya can't even look at us.

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As ya wish, my love.

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And stop with dat love shit.

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As ya wish.

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9am - at de back school gates?

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If I'm ever a parent, der'll be none of dis negativity all de time...

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Whatever my kid wants to do, I'm goin' to be supportive.

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Not a chance in hell are you gettin' dat tattooed across yer back.

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Just cos ya don't like LCD Sound System.

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What's with de third plate?

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Anthony is joinin' us for dinner.

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-Anthony?

-Yes, Anthony.

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-Tony?

-Tony?

-Sergeant Tony Healy.

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-Healy?!

-Yes, Healy!

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Are you and him...?

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Jesus, no...

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We're just...friends.

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Yer friends with a Garda?

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Do ya know how fucked up dat is?

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-DOORBELL RINGS

-Shut up, he'll hear ya.

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Go on, let him in.

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-Hiya.

-Hiya.

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What do you tink of dat?

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He wants to tattoo it across his entire back.

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It's spelled wrong.

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LCD?

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Can we not discuss dis while we have a guest?!

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Sure, der's nothin' to discuss, I'm gettin' it done.

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I bet dis was Jock's idea.

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It's actually my idea.

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But he's gettin' de same one.

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Ye two are a pair of fuckin' idiots, do you know that?

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Get back in here for yer dinner!

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-Fuck you!

-Fuck you, too!

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More for us.

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It's just one doss day. All the other kids take doss days.

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But they're not supposed to and all the other kids' parents,

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they're not principal of the school.

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Dat wasn't our fuckin' choice now was it.

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Say that again? Did I miss a family meeting?

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Since when was it OK to swear at your parents?

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-I wonder where she gets that from.

-Fuck off.

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SHE SNIFFS

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What now?

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Nothin'.

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You're getting tears all over yer chips.

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Ya have no idea how hard it is bein'

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in that school with you as principal.

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We get picked on every day.

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It's just one doss day, so we can act like normal kids.

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At least we're tellin' ya about it and not doin' it behind yer back.

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SHE MOUTHS

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Dat was one of yer better ones.

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Tanks.

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I always know when Jock has somethin'

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serious on his mind cos he does the same ting over and over.

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What's wrong wit ya?

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Tinkin' 'bout me mam.

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She died two years ago today.

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I forgot all about it.

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Sorry bhoy.

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Tanks.

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Jock's mam was like two parents rolled into one. She had to be.

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Cos his da is only good at one thing...

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Ya can't be thinkin' about yer dead mam when de girls get here.

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Ya gotta be happy and smiley.

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Back a little.

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Bikes? Do we look like we're dressed for bikes?!

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What are ya doing wearin' that?

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Ya said we'd be doin' nice tings.

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And dese are our nice clothes, for doin' nice tings.

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Look, I like dat slutty stuff, it's just it's 9am in de mornin'...

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Where did ya tink we were goin'?

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Dis is not a good start to the day.

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I can't help but help feel a little bit proud that Principal Walsh has me mam on speed dial.

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What do ya mean he's not in school?

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You mean he's not there?

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Eh... Yes, he is... He's not well.

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He's reached the maximum amount of sick days allowed in any one year.

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Yeah, we're all very worried, hopefully he'll pull through.

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-The school rules clearly state he'll...

-Tanks. Bye.

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..that he'll have to resit the Junior Cert...

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Hello? Hello, Ms MacSweeney?

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They are only the days I got caught. The real number's 42.

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Pick up, ya little bollocks!

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-Sorry?

-Not you. Hang on.

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It's Mam. Tink she knows I'm gonna doss before I do.

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It's Conor. You know what to do. Do it fuckin' now.

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Call me back, ya little prick.

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-Come on, will ye?

-Hurry up!

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-Come on!

-This is the start of a beautiful adventure.

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I bet he's gone with Jock to get dat retarded tattoo

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plastered across his back.

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Do ya know how much dat'll cost to get removed?

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-Um...

-It was 200 to remove my ex's name from my backside

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and it was only dat size.

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Do you have a picture of Conor?

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What for?

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He's a minor, he has to be over 18 by law to get a tattoo.

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I'll let all the parlours know they'll have me to answer to

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if they even put one fucking dot of ink on his back.

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You'd do dat?

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I'm a member of the Garda Siochana. It's my duty.

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Thanks.

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Some dickheads are after stealin' our bikes.

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Well, that's what happens when you leave them unattended in yer garage.

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-See these lads?

-No.

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Me chain's after comin' off.

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Were ya back peddlin' again?

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-Wat if I was?

-It just means we'll have to keep stoppin'

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to put de chain back on which is a bit of a waste of time

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when we could be doin' more fun stuff.

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Wat's wrong with ya?

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I got this bike tinkin' it would be good cos it had suspension,

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but it still hurts me arse, like.

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I checked it last night. It's like a bruise in the shape of the saddle.

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How de ye check it?

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How everyone checks it.

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-Go to the doctor?

-No. I'm not havin' a doctor look at my arsehole.

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I put the mirror on the floor and just looked down, like.

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So you saw yer arse crack and yer arsehole and everything there?

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Don't tell me you never look!

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Dat's disgustin'!

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I'm just sayin', even a child knows not to backpedal on a gear bike.

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Did I ask to cycle a fuckin' bike?

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If I had known we were cyclin' bikes I wouldn't have worn heels.

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And if I don't backpedal my fuckin' heels fall off, all right?!

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No need to fuckin' shout.

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Do ya want a kick?

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Fuck!

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Conor!

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Your mam's looking for you!

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If he sees these bikes we're fucked. Cycle, quick!

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Wat's wrong with de bikes?

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-We borrowed dem.

-From who?

-Not sure, dat's de problem.

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We're cyclin' stolen bikes?!

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I know, excitin', isn't it? Come on!

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Come on, pedal, pedal, pedal!

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I can't get me feet in the fuckin' hoops.

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Ya don't need to, just fuckin' pedal, will ya!

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Fuck's sake!

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All women need to see is a bit of skin to get dem in the mood.

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-It's a bikini.

-I know. I'm not wearing it.

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Why not?

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Cos dere's perverts around.

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Where?

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I'm talkin' about the pair of ye, idiot!

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Come on, get changed?

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Not a fuckin' chance.

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What was the point in comin' here, then?

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Good question.

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How do ya tink things are goin' wit dem?

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All right. Dey're still talkin' to us which is the main thing.

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Shit, der lookin', der lookin'.

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Makes yer dick look bigger, warm it up.

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-BOTH:

-What are ye doin, bhoy?!

-Wat de fuck!

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Why did ye do that?

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-I was warmin' up mine.

-Same.

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-THEY LAUGH

-Oh, my God!

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-De ye want to never talk about that again?

-Yeah.

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-It's just cos the height, I got confused.

-Me too.

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Jock says I sound like a little girl when I jump off tings. But dat's total bullshit.

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CONOR SCREAMS LIKE A GIRL

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What's he doin'?

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Swimmin'.

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Dat doesn't look like swimmin', it looks like he's drownin', slowly.

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He's still learnin'.

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-Is he all right?

-Should we throw him a life ring?

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This is so embarrassing!

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We'll give him another minute.

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You all right, kid?

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Go 'way, don't talk to me!

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Wat?

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Stand over dere until those people are gone.

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I brought a picnic.

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And just as we're making great progress with the girls...

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Who did that?

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We did.

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Dat's really ungrateful.

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Dey were rotten.

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We've been doin' nothin' but nice tings for you all day

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'n' all yer doin' is flingin' it back at us.

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You haven't done wan nice ting for us,

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you've just bin draggin' us along to whatever you wanted to do.

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Yer showin' yer true colours.

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Wat colours are dem?

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Selfish, bitchy colours.

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Fuck dis, I've had enough.

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His mam's dead two years today.

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Come on, let's go to de graveyard.

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No, yer supposed to be havin' fun.

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Anything'll be more fun dan dis.

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I would have had the sandwich, just don't like cheese.

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I can take the cheese out and leave you with chicken.

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I like chicken.

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Same.

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-Thanks.

-It's all right.

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Goin' to visit someone at their grave is such a strange ting to do.

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It's kinda like visitin'

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someone at der house when you known they're not in.

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I guess we all just need somewhere to go when the person we've lost

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is on our mind, rather than then visiting them

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in our memories over and over again.

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Wat?

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Me da.

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It's bin a shit enough day without bumpin' into dat prick.

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Come on.

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What was she like?

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A bit of a joker.

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She thought she was hilarious.

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But she wasn't.

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Like when we went to order a Chinese takeaway

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and she'd put on a Chinese accent and say...

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"That's the 'wong' order, I ordered the 'Young Dumb Fuck'."

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Or Indian...

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"Last time I ate here I spent the whole night vin-the-loo."

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She was lovely, though.

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The best.

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She's so young. How did she die?

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She drowned.

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Her car was parked by the slipway in Passage.

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Dey never found de body.

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So, she's not here?

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She is here.

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So she's buried here?

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No. But she's here.

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I'm confused, how can she be both.

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Is she here or not?

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Yes, but no.

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# Through the storm we reached the shore

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# You give it all but I want more... #

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Her favourite song.

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# And I'm waiting for you

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# With or without you

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# With or without you, ah-ha

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# I can't live

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# With or without you

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-# And you give yourself away

-Oooh-hooo

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# And you give yourself away...

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# And you give And you give

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# And you give yourself away

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# With or without you With or without you

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# Ah-ha

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# I can't live

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# With or without you

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# Oh, oh, oh ooohhhhhh

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# Oh, oh, oh ooohhhhhh

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# Oh, oh, oh ooohhhhhh

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# Oohh-oohh

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# With or without you

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# Youuuu. #

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See ya later, Mam.

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There's nothin' worse than going to the trouble of stealin' a load

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of bikes only to have some thievin' bastards robbin' dem from you.

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Fuck!

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Get back here, ya thievin' little pricks.

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Fuck off!

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At least give us a crosser back into town!

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Go away and kiss me mam's hole!

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Do you have you got any money for the bus?

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Sayin' sorry is one of dem tings that must get harder as you get older.

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Like, it's not often you hear a 50-year-old say sorry to a two-year-old.

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But when older people do say sorry, they usually mean it.

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Are dey our bikes?

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Hey!

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Fuck off, bhoy!

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Stay where you are, you're under arrest!

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Stop fuckin' movin'! Stop fuckin' movin'!

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Serves ya right, ya thievin' little pricks!

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-Fuckin' stupid cunt!

-Yer a snarky little prick.

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Fuckin'...

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Dat could have bin us.

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Could have bin, would have bin, should have bin, but...

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..it wasn't.

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Conor, how many times has stuff nearly happened to us,

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-but den didn't happen in the end?

-Millions.

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Something nearly happen to us nearly every single day, and den doesn't.

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If everythin' dat nearly happened to us, actually happened...

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We'd have way too much stuff to do.

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Fuck it anyway!

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Wat's wrong wit ya?

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Dis was supposed to be a day you'll remember for de

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rest of yer lives, and cos ya spent it with us you'd remember

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us for de rest of yer lives, instead we spent it cryin' at de graveyard.

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Not every day turns out the way you expect, but it wasn't a bad day.

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DISTANT CHEERING AND SHOUTING AND WHISTLES BLOWING

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What's dat noise?

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Sounds like a football match or something.

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Come on, let's see who can gob off the bridge de furthest.

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THEY HOCK UP SALIVA INTO THEIR MOUTHS

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-Ready.

-Yep.

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One...

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..two...

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..tree...

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-Is dis actually happenin'?!

-Fuck!

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Holy fuckin' shit!

0:22:550:22:56

Sorry for spittin' on you, whale family.

0:22:560:22:58

-REPORTER:

-It's high tide here and the family of orcas have decided to

0:23:040:23:08

make a trip right into the heart of Cork city.

0:23:080:23:11

Crowds of spectators have gathered around to catch

0:23:110:23:14

a glimpse of these giant fish.

0:23:140:23:16

I'm here with some of the locals who witnessed the spectacular events

0:23:190:23:22

of today. Can you tell me a bit about what you saw?

0:23:220:23:24

-Der

-BLEEPING

-flippers came flying out of de

-BLEEPING

-water.

0:23:240:23:28

-No, der

-BLEEPING

-tails!

0:23:280:23:29

-No, de

-BLEEPING

-ting at de end, whatever dey

-BLEEPING

-call it.

0:23:290:23:31

-I've never seen a

-BLEEPING

-whale before.

0:23:310:23:33

-It was

-BLEEPING

-amazing!

0:23:330:23:34

-Big

-BLEEPING, BLEEP, BLEEP, BLEEP!

0:23:380:23:40

-BLEEPING

-hell!

0:23:400:23:41

Well, I think that says it all. Back to you in the studio.

0:23:430:23:46

I suppose I'll see you later?

0:24:030:24:05

Yeah, I'll see you later.

0:24:050:24:07

Remember the deal - no talkin' to me after today.

0:24:100:24:13

Yeah. OK.

0:24:140:24:16

-You just said...

-Shh!

0:24:230:24:25

No talkin'.

0:24:270:24:28

As you wish.

0:24:300:24:31

Dis was me first time spendin' a whole day with a woman other

0:24:460:24:49

that me mam... Feelin' pretty confident.

0:24:490:24:52

So I... Sorry.

0:24:520:24:54

Don't know why I shouted that.

0:24:560:24:58

So I was just going to say...

0:24:580:25:00

You know cos...

0:25:020:25:04

Because they're goin' to be hangin' out together loads now and stuff,

0:25:040:25:07

I was just worried that you were going to be, um...

0:25:070:25:10

..kind of just really lonely and sad all the time.

0:25:120:25:15

Because you don't have another friend now, I was thinkin' that I could maybe...

0:25:150:25:20

Kind of like swoop in like a... Like an eagle and, and, er...

0:25:200:25:26

And chat to you so you're not lonely in school and stuff.

0:25:260:25:29

Only if you want to, like?

0:25:300:25:31

I'm not bothered if you're not. But, please...

0:25:310:25:34

Der's 500 other pupils in de school.

0:25:360:25:38

Why would I want to hang out wit you?

0:25:380:25:40

Yeah. Of course, yeah, stupid.

0:25:440:25:48

All right, then.

0:25:500:25:51

-Yeah.

-I'm just fuckin' with ya.

0:25:520:25:54

You... Ah, ha-ha! Great!

0:26:000:26:03

-Talk to you tomorrow?

-Yeah.

0:26:110:26:14

See you tomorrow. See you later. Ha-ha!

0:26:140:26:16

Now we're quits.

0:26:400:26:41

I wonder wat dey're doin' so close to land.

0:26:520:26:55

Dey were just talkin' about it dere...

0:26:550:26:57

Apparently de mother's not feeling well, and dey come to shore

0:26:570:26:59

when it's time to pass away.

0:26:590:27:02

She's gonna die?

0:27:020:27:03

ORCHESTRAL VERSION OF WITH OR WITHOUT YOU PLAYS

0:27:050:27:07

Your mam's been looking for you all day.

0:27:210:27:23

Come on, let's get you home.

0:27:250:27:27

CONOR: I tink dere's somethin' inside everyone that connects them

0:27:340:27:37

to their mam, in a way dat yer not connected to anyone else...

0:27:370:27:41

Did you get yer tattoo?

0:27:570:27:58

Fuck's sake.

0:28:020:28:03

Even if dey wreck yer head most of the time.

0:28:050:28:07

Go on, son, let me see it.

0:28:080:28:10

It's only when ya picture yer mam gone dat ya realise how much

0:28:120:28:16

ya like dem bein' around.

0:28:160:28:17

Jock got de same one.

0:28:240:28:25

It's beautiful.

0:28:280:28:29

ORCHESTRAL VERSION OF WITH OR WITHOUT YOU CONTINUES

0:28:290:28:31

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