Episode 4 The Young Offenders

This programme contains strong language

Aw, for fuck's sake!

WATER GUSHES

SHE YELLS

God! Argh.

Fuck.

SHE GROANS

What are you doing on the floor?

Ah, watch!

Shit!

Fuck it!

You all right?

Me da drove us halfway round the country to buy that shitty

old fridge, which he found on DoneDeal for 18 euros.

He was so proud of it. You couldn't help but think of him

every time you went to make a sandwich.

God, I went right on my hole.

Little did he know it would outlive him.

Mam said buying a brand-new one

would be like shitting on Da's grave,

so we're off to relive the journey he took us on,

in search of another old bargain fridge instead.

Aw, fuck me.

What happened your eye?

I got in a fight outside Centra last night.

He got one in, I got two. Boom, boom, boom!

And you think he's cool?

-Where you going?

-Picking up a fridge in Skibbereen.

C-Can I go with you?

No. Come on, Conor, we're going.

We were meant to be hanging out for the day.

What difference does it make if he comes?

I want it to be a family road trip, like last time.

Jock pretty much is family.

Not my family.

Please?

Come on, then!

-Happy?

-Yeah!

-Oh... Can I go in the front?

-No, Conor's in the front.

Oh, come on. This car's fuckin' tiny. I'll get leg cramps

if I go in the back.

I don't mind! I'm happy in the back!

Mam, put your seat forward a bit, will you?

Now, I'll be the navigator so you can just concentrate on the driving,

have a nice easy journey, maybe put on the radio or something,

-kick back.

-Gimme the map.

Would you relax? I've got a built-in compass.

Now, eat some Weetabix,

north, south, now eat some Weetabix...

-West?

-Come on, quit dilly-dallying.

Mam has never really warmed to Jock.

I think it's because she hasn't had a chance to really get to know him.

Now that they're both stuck in a small, confined space,

it's the perfect opportunity.

What are you doing scribbling on the map?

Oh, they're lyrics. I'm writing a song.

Do ya wanna hear it?

No, thanks.

All right, all right, I'll sing it, but it's not finished yet

-so don't be too critical.

-I said...

-Mm-mm-mm.

Eh, give us a note, there, Conor, will ya?

Right, eh, baritone?

Eh, yeah.

Ah...

BOTH SINGING A LOW NOTE

A one, a two, a one, two, three.

# We're driving in the car with Ma Ma Mairead

# We're going really far me and Ma Ma Mairead

# There's no one who's as kind as Ma Ma Mairead

# We're having a great time me and Ma Ma Mairead

# Ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma

-# Mairead ah

-Wow wow wow

Come on and sing it!

# Ma Ma Mairead, Ma Ma Mairead... #

That's enough now.

# Says Ma Ma Mairead Ma Ma Mairead... #

Fuck's sake.

Come on, give it a go.

Mam finds it difficult to enjoy herself.

It's not something that comes natural to her.

# Ma Ma Mairead Ma Ma Mairead

# Ma Ma Mairead Ma Ma Mairead... #

That's lovely!

# Ma Ma Mairead Ma Ma Mairead

# Ma Ma Mairead Ma Ma Mairead

# We're driving in the car with Ma Ma Mairead

# We're going really far with Ma Ma Mairead

# Ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma... #

Watch out!

BANG

WHat you scream for?!

There was a giant pothole.

I was going to miss it but your screaming drove me straight into it.

I made you drive into it?

Well, what did I do, grab the steering wheel or someting?

I think you'll find in a court of law, the person in control of

the vehicle is to blame.

He has a point.

We're not in a court of law, and it was your fault.

If we weren't singing that stupid song,

we both would have been paying attention to the road.

I thought we were having a good time.

Fuck's sake.

Wasn't even fully bald.

Let's get this changed.

Conor, give me a hand with the spare.

Where's the jack?

Jock, check the front for the jack.

-It's not there.

-Are you sure?

Yeah, it's not fucking there.

Will we try and drive to a petrol station with the flat?

ENGINE REVS

Bollocks!

98% coverage, me hole.

How far are we from Skibbereen?

Not far. We just passed through Bedfordshire a few miles back.

Bedfordshire?

You're on the England page, you fuckin' tool!

We're miles away from anywhere.

You carry a lot of stress around with you, you know that?

I'm starting to feel stressed just being near ya,

I can't imagine what it's like inside your head.

Do you know the reason for that stress?

Is it your period?

Do you want another black eye?

Mam!

Conor, please tell me yer not trying to lift the fucking car.

No, I'm checkin' de weight.

I have a plan.

In fairness to yer son, he can have moments of genius.

This had got to be the most retarded thing I've seen in me entire life.

You say dat about everythin' we do.

That's cos ya keep breakin' yer own record.

-How's that?

-It's not going to work.

The car's about half a tonne, and you weigh about eight stone.

How many stones in half a tonne?

I don't know but not eight.

Jock, get up here, will ya?

It's workin'!

Put that block under to stop it going down.

It's not high enough.

We need somethin' heavy.

I'm not heavy!

You're heavier than Conor. He's only a small little fella.

Swap and he can shove the block under the car.

Do ya want this fridge or not?

Dis is kind of fun, isn't it?

-Give me more room.

-I'm already on de edge.

Here, you can hold on to me for balance.

-You need to bounce a little.

-On three.

One, two, three... Bounce.

One, two, three... Bounce.

One, two, three... Bounce.

-Nearly there.

-One, two...

Your rhythm is all off, I'll lead.

My rhythm is perfect.

One, two, three... Bounce.

One, two, three... Bounce.

One, two, three... Bounce.

That's it, we did it!

Fair play to ya, I did not think that would work.

THEY SCREAM

ELECTRICITY CRACKLES

Are you OK?

THEY SCREAM What?

It's electric!

Get something rubber and help.

-What the fuck is this?

-It's a rubber.

I know what it is. Why do you have one?

Use your fucking trainers.

HE SCREAMS

-What the fuck is this?

-Where'd you get that?

MOBILE DINGS

Who's that?

Just a girl from school.

A girl FRIEND?

Never going to happen.

-Shut up, Jock.

-She's been tryin' to get with him for the past month

but yer son is frigid.

I'm not frigid, I'm shy!

What's the fuckin' difference? Girls don't like frigid guys.

Isn't that right, Mairead?

They don't like randy little pricks like you, either!

You say randy like it's a bad ting.

So is Sergeant Healy not randy?

How the fuck should I know?

If you were to guess though, out of 10, how randy would ya say he is?

Shut up.

I'd say I'm about a nine on de randy scale.

You're probably about a one.

How randy are you, Mairead?

Stop asking Mam how randy she is!

I'm just curious if being frigid runs in the family.

I'm not fucking frigid and neither is Mam.

Do you like this girl?

What's her name?

Linda.

She's smart, pretty...

You've got lovely eyes.

..funny.

-Boop!

-Oh, you think I'm cute?

-Yeah.

I love you.

Can't fault her, to be honest.

She's a bit goofy.

No, she isn't, just cos she's not putting on a show de whole

time like most girls.

There's no bullshit with her.

D'ya still have that condom?

-Yeah, here.

-I don't want it!

Stick it in yer wallet.

When the time comes - and I don't want to know when that is -

you make sure ya use it, all right?

I find dem very restrictive.

When ya get to prison you might change yer mind.

Me and Jock were never on a farm before

but there's a fellow in our class at school who lives on one

and he always smells of shit.

He says he can't get it off. It's part of being a farmer.

Well, there it is. 20 euros and you can take it away.

Is it workin' all right?

Plug it in and see for yourself.

FRIDGE RATTLES TO LIFE

DUCK QUACKS

Get out, you dirty bastard.

Come out!

Fucking head off.

Come on!

-I fucking hate that duck.

-Why do ya hate ducks?

I don't hate ducks. I hate THAT duck.

About a week ago I was going up to feed me hens.

He was standing outside the door staring at me

and I knew something was up.

What have you done?

Normally me hens would have been chirping cheerfully at that

time of day but there was an eerie silence.

Not even a single cluck.

Maybe he just stepped in the blood.

-What are you, his lawyer?

-No.

But just cos you saw a red footprint doesn't mean he's a murderer.

It's not just that.

He was intimidating that hen since I got her.

She hadn't laid an egg in weeks.

You happy?

-Yeah.

-20 euro.

-I'll give ya 18.

-19.

-Done.

-Have you got a euro change?

-No.

HE CHUCKLES

The key to good teamwork is communication.

Take it easy.

Do you want to fucking do it?

Come on, ya pair of pussies,

Conor's Dad carried the fridge on his own the last time.

Yeah, well, we don't want to end up like him, do we?

DUCK QUACKS

FARMER YELLS

Get back here, you little bollocks.

Get back here.

Yer not goin' to kill him with that, are you?

Yeah. I tried drowning him before but he just held his breath.

-Can we do it?

-What?

Come on! We're from the city, we never get to kill anything.

PHONE RINGS

Hello? Hang on a second.

Just the duck, don't go killing anything else.

We won't.

Thanks.

Yeah? What the fuck would I be doing with a jacuzzi?

This farming stuff is pretty easy to get your head around.

It's all about milking animals, feeding animals and killing animals.

Where's the body? I was going to eat that for my dinner.

Shit! Ya should've said that beforehand.

Here, look.

Hit him in the head.

I'm going to hit him in the back first to keep him still,

-then the head.

-Whatever, just hit the fucker.

He's got a lot of fight in him.

That's a lot of blood.

I think I hit an artery.

Here, film me doin' it.

See if ya can get the head to come off.

I could get used to country living.

He's totally mangled.

Yeah, we threw him in de river so he wouldn't be stinking up the place.

Well, at least he's dead, that's the main thing.

Fred and Rosemary West, get in the car!

It's a farm, that's what they do on farms, they kill things.

It's basically where psychos go to be accepted.

I wouldn't mind killing a cow de next time.

Have you no respect for life?

-You had duck from the Chinese last night.

-Not the same thing.

Why not? At least we looked our duck in the eye when we killed it.

-I didn't kill any duck.

-No. You had someone do it for you.

QUACK

Did you say something?

Quack!

Quit it, Jock, it's not funny.

-QUACKING

-Quack! Quack!

Shit! What if he needs air?

Who needs air?

QUACKING

For fuck's sake!

Where did all the blood come from?

Give me more.

-Fuck off and use your own, will ya? I'm running out.

-I don't like pain.

No-one likes pain, ya tool,

but if we don't do this that farmer is going to kill an innocent duck.

You better be appreciating' dis!

Hit him in the head.

I'm going to hit him in the back first, keep him still.

-Then the head.

-Whatever, just hit the fucker.

-I think I hit an artery.

-I could get used to country living.

That's perfect.

Get in the car. We're bringin' it back.

No way. He'll get hurt.

And what's yer plan, have it live with us?

-Why not?

-It needs a home.

It has a home.

A home where it's goin' to get hit in the head with a hammer.

That duck was a trouble maker, you heard the farmer.

He brought it on himself.

He was probably just actin' out cos the farmer was mistreating him.

-That's enough! We're bringin' it back to the farm.

-No!

Then we're leavin' it here.

It's domesticated. It won't last one night out here in the wilderness.

How can ya be so heartless?

How dare you call me that. I live and breathe to take care of you.

He can come back to my house.

I was hopin' to have a nice family day out with my son

and then you joined us.

Get in!

Did you ever have an argument in a car and then need to fart?

It wasn't me.

-See you tomorrow, Con.

-See you.

Thanks for lettin' me come on de trip.

Wait, you're not leavin' him with us.

What do you expect me to do, sit him up on the crossbar?

I think it's best if you stay away for a while.

I hear ya, let's take a break. I'll see you in a couple of days.

-Jesus.

-What?

You're like a boomerang with shit on it.

Good one. You'd swear you didn't like me.

I don't like you, Jock.

Why is that?

Conor has so little confidence he'd latch on to anyone

-and you're taking advantage of that.

-No, I don't mean...

Shut up now and listen to me.

He worships the ground you walk on.

He listens to your bullshit and he believes it

and it's all bullshit, isn't it?

He copies what you do, what you wear, what you say.

He wants to be just like you.

And that's my problem.

Cos you're nothing but a little scumbag.

It's not nice hearin' dem tings being said.

And yeah, some of them might be true but...

..you're not perfect yourself.

And I never once said a bad thing about you.

DUCK QUACKS

You're not comin' back with me.

YELLING AND CRASHING

Some decisions you can spend fucking ages making.

You just keep debating with yourself until you're

100% certain that it's the right thing to do.

But most of the time, you do things without thinking at all.

There's just something inside you that tells you...you got to do it.

Do it, I fuckin' dare ya!

Jock, get everythin' you need from here. You're not coming back.

Come on, hurry up.

Come on. Get in the car.

Jock's going to be staying with us for a while.

Don't just stand there, grab his stuff and give him a hand.

Me da used to say the same shit over and over.

Like, "Out with the old, in with the new."

I think he'd be happy a new fridge was coming into the house.

Why does the new fridge look shitter than the old fridge?

I could sleep in here.

Right, you two transfer the food that's not wasted into the new

fridge and I'll make dinner.

Fill that up with water for the duck.

He'll never be able to swim in that.

-To drink.

-Oh, yeah.

The two of us up on the plank of wood, what were we thinking?

We'd still be on the side of the road if it wasn't for him.

Big enough for a swim after all.

Sometimes the family you're born into isn't the right family at all.

The right family is the one that works.