Episode 4 The Young Offenders


Episode 4

Comedy following the coming-of-age adventures of two best friends. A road trip to buy a fridge and relive some memories brings about unexpected results for Conor and Mairead.


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Transcript


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This programme contains strong language

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Aw, for fuck's sake!

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WATER GUSHES

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SHE YELLS

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God! Argh.

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Fuck.

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SHE GROANS

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What are you doing on the floor?

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Ah, watch!

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Shit!

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Fuck it!

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You all right?

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Me da drove us halfway round the country to buy that shitty

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old fridge, which he found on DoneDeal for 18 euros.

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He was so proud of it. You couldn't help but think of him

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every time you went to make a sandwich.

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God, I went right on my hole.

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Little did he know it would outlive him.

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Mam said buying a brand-new one

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would be like shitting on Da's grave,

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so we're off to relive the journey he took us on,

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in search of another old bargain fridge instead.

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Aw, fuck me.

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What happened your eye?

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I got in a fight outside Centra last night.

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He got one in, I got two. Boom, boom, boom!

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And you think he's cool?

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-Where you going?

-Picking up a fridge in Skibbereen.

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C-Can I go with you?

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No. Come on, Conor, we're going.

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We were meant to be hanging out for the day.

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What difference does it make if he comes?

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I want it to be a family road trip, like last time.

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Jock pretty much is family.

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Not my family.

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Please?

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Come on, then!

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-Happy?

-Yeah!

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-Oh... Can I go in the front?

-No, Conor's in the front.

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Oh, come on. This car's fuckin' tiny. I'll get leg cramps

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if I go in the back.

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I don't mind! I'm happy in the back!

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Mam, put your seat forward a bit, will you?

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Now, I'll be the navigator so you can just concentrate on the driving,

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have a nice easy journey, maybe put on the radio or something,

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-kick back.

-Gimme the map.

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Would you relax? I've got a built-in compass.

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Now, eat some Weetabix,

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north, south, now eat some Weetabix...

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-West?

-Come on, quit dilly-dallying.

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Mam has never really warmed to Jock.

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I think it's because she hasn't had a chance to really get to know him.

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Now that they're both stuck in a small, confined space,

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it's the perfect opportunity.

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What are you doing scribbling on the map?

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Oh, they're lyrics. I'm writing a song.

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Do ya wanna hear it?

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No, thanks.

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All right, all right, I'll sing it, but it's not finished yet

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-so don't be too critical.

-I said...

-Mm-mm-mm.

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Eh, give us a note, there, Conor, will ya?

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Right, eh, baritone?

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Eh, yeah.

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Ah...

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BOTH SINGING A LOW NOTE

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A one, a two, a one, two, three.

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# We're driving in the car with Ma Ma Mairead

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# We're going really far me and Ma Ma Mairead

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# There's no one who's as kind as Ma Ma Mairead

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# We're having a great time me and Ma Ma Mairead

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# Ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma

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-# Mairead ah

-Wow wow wow

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Come on and sing it!

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# Ma Ma Mairead, Ma Ma Mairead... #

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That's enough now.

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# Says Ma Ma Mairead Ma Ma Mairead... #

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Fuck's sake.

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Come on, give it a go.

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Mam finds it difficult to enjoy herself.

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It's not something that comes natural to her.

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# Ma Ma Mairead Ma Ma Mairead

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# Ma Ma Mairead Ma Ma Mairead... #

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That's lovely!

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# Ma Ma Mairead Ma Ma Mairead

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# Ma Ma Mairead Ma Ma Mairead

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# We're driving in the car with Ma Ma Mairead

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# We're going really far with Ma Ma Mairead

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# Ma ma ma ma ma ma ma ma... #

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Watch out!

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BANG

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WHat you scream for?!

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There was a giant pothole.

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I was going to miss it but your screaming drove me straight into it.

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I made you drive into it?

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Well, what did I do, grab the steering wheel or someting?

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I think you'll find in a court of law, the person in control of

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the vehicle is to blame.

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He has a point.

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We're not in a court of law, and it was your fault.

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If we weren't singing that stupid song,

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we both would have been paying attention to the road.

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I thought we were having a good time.

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Fuck's sake.

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Wasn't even fully bald.

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Let's get this changed.

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Conor, give me a hand with the spare.

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Where's the jack?

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Jock, check the front for the jack.

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-It's not there.

-Are you sure?

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Yeah, it's not fucking there.

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Will we try and drive to a petrol station with the flat?

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ENGINE REVS

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Bollocks!

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98% coverage, me hole.

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How far are we from Skibbereen?

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Not far. We just passed through Bedfordshire a few miles back.

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Bedfordshire?

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You're on the England page, you fuckin' tool!

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We're miles away from anywhere.

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You carry a lot of stress around with you, you know that?

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I'm starting to feel stressed just being near ya,

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I can't imagine what it's like inside your head.

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Do you know the reason for that stress?

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Is it your period?

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Do you want another black eye?

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Mam!

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Conor, please tell me yer not trying to lift the fucking car.

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No, I'm checkin' de weight.

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I have a plan.

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In fairness to yer son, he can have moments of genius.

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This had got to be the most retarded thing I've seen in me entire life.

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You say dat about everythin' we do.

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That's cos ya keep breakin' yer own record.

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-How's that?

-It's not going to work.

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The car's about half a tonne, and you weigh about eight stone.

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How many stones in half a tonne?

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I don't know but not eight.

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Jock, get up here, will ya?

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It's workin'!

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Put that block under to stop it going down.

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It's not high enough.

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We need somethin' heavy.

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I'm not heavy!

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You're heavier than Conor. He's only a small little fella.

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Swap and he can shove the block under the car.

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Do ya want this fridge or not?

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Dis is kind of fun, isn't it?

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-Give me more room.

-I'm already on de edge.

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Here, you can hold on to me for balance.

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-You need to bounce a little.

-On three.

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One, two, three... Bounce.

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One, two, three... Bounce.

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One, two, three... Bounce.

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-Nearly there.

-One, two...

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Your rhythm is all off, I'll lead.

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My rhythm is perfect.

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One, two, three... Bounce.

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One, two, three... Bounce.

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One, two, three... Bounce.

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That's it, we did it!

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Fair play to ya, I did not think that would work.

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THEY SCREAM

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ELECTRICITY CRACKLES

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Are you OK?

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THEY SCREAM What?

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It's electric!

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Get something rubber and help.

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-What the fuck is this?

-It's a rubber.

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I know what it is. Why do you have one?

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Use your fucking trainers.

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HE SCREAMS

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-What the fuck is this?

-Where'd you get that?

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MOBILE DINGS

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Who's that?

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Just a girl from school.

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A girl FRIEND?

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Never going to happen.

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-Shut up, Jock.

-She's been tryin' to get with him for the past month

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but yer son is frigid.

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I'm not frigid, I'm shy!

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What's the fuckin' difference? Girls don't like frigid guys.

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Isn't that right, Mairead?

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They don't like randy little pricks like you, either!

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You say randy like it's a bad ting.

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So is Sergeant Healy not randy?

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How the fuck should I know?

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If you were to guess though, out of 10, how randy would ya say he is?

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Shut up.

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I'd say I'm about a nine on de randy scale.

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You're probably about a one.

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How randy are you, Mairead?

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Stop asking Mam how randy she is!

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I'm just curious if being frigid runs in the family.

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I'm not fucking frigid and neither is Mam.

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Do you like this girl?

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What's her name?

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Linda.

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She's smart, pretty...

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You've got lovely eyes.

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..funny.

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-Boop!

-Oh, you think I'm cute?

-Yeah.

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I love you.

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Can't fault her, to be honest.

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She's a bit goofy.

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No, she isn't, just cos she's not putting on a show de whole

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time like most girls.

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There's no bullshit with her.

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D'ya still have that condom?

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-Yeah, here.

-I don't want it!

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Stick it in yer wallet.

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When the time comes - and I don't want to know when that is -

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you make sure ya use it, all right?

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I find dem very restrictive.

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When ya get to prison you might change yer mind.

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Me and Jock were never on a farm before

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but there's a fellow in our class at school who lives on one

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and he always smells of shit.

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He says he can't get it off. It's part of being a farmer.

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Well, there it is. 20 euros and you can take it away.

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Is it workin' all right?

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Plug it in and see for yourself.

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FRIDGE RATTLES TO LIFE

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DUCK QUACKS

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Get out, you dirty bastard.

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Come out!

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Fucking head off.

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Come on!

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-I fucking hate that duck.

-Why do ya hate ducks?

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I don't hate ducks. I hate THAT duck.

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About a week ago I was going up to feed me hens.

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He was standing outside the door staring at me

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and I knew something was up.

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What have you done?

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Normally me hens would have been chirping cheerfully at that

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time of day but there was an eerie silence.

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Not even a single cluck.

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Maybe he just stepped in the blood.

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-What are you, his lawyer?

-No.

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But just cos you saw a red footprint doesn't mean he's a murderer.

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It's not just that.

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He was intimidating that hen since I got her.

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She hadn't laid an egg in weeks.

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You happy?

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-Yeah.

-20 euro.

-I'll give ya 18.

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-19.

-Done.

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-Have you got a euro change?

-No.

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HE CHUCKLES

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The key to good teamwork is communication.

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Take it easy.

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Do you want to fucking do it?

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Come on, ya pair of pussies,

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Conor's Dad carried the fridge on his own the last time.

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Yeah, well, we don't want to end up like him, do we?

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DUCK QUACKS

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FARMER YELLS

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Get back here, you little bollocks.

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Get back here.

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Yer not goin' to kill him with that, are you?

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Yeah. I tried drowning him before but he just held his breath.

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-Can we do it?

-What?

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Come on! We're from the city, we never get to kill anything.

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PHONE RINGS

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Hello? Hang on a second.

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Just the duck, don't go killing anything else.

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We won't.

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Thanks.

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Yeah? What the fuck would I be doing with a jacuzzi?

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This farming stuff is pretty easy to get your head around.

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It's all about milking animals, feeding animals and killing animals.

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Where's the body? I was going to eat that for my dinner.

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Shit! Ya should've said that beforehand.

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Here, look.

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Hit him in the head.

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I'm going to hit him in the back first to keep him still,

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-then the head.

-Whatever, just hit the fucker.

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He's got a lot of fight in him.

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That's a lot of blood.

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I think I hit an artery.

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Here, film me doin' it.

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See if ya can get the head to come off.

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I could get used to country living.

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He's totally mangled.

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Yeah, we threw him in de river so he wouldn't be stinking up the place.

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Well, at least he's dead, that's the main thing.

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Fred and Rosemary West, get in the car!

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It's a farm, that's what they do on farms, they kill things.

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It's basically where psychos go to be accepted.

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I wouldn't mind killing a cow de next time.

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Have you no respect for life?

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-You had duck from the Chinese last night.

-Not the same thing.

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Why not? At least we looked our duck in the eye when we killed it.

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-I didn't kill any duck.

-No. You had someone do it for you.

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QUACK

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Did you say something?

0:20:050:20:07

Quack!

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Quit it, Jock, it's not funny.

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-QUACKING

-Quack! Quack!

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Shit! What if he needs air?

0:20:140:20:15

Who needs air?

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QUACKING

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For fuck's sake!

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Where did all the blood come from?

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Give me more.

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-Fuck off and use your own, will ya? I'm running out.

-I don't like pain.

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No-one likes pain, ya tool,

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but if we don't do this that farmer is going to kill an innocent duck.

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You better be appreciating' dis!

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Hit him in the head.

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I'm going to hit him in the back first, keep him still.

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-Then the head.

-Whatever, just hit the fucker.

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-I think I hit an artery.

-I could get used to country living.

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That's perfect.

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Get in the car. We're bringin' it back.

0:21:270:21:30

No way. He'll get hurt.

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And what's yer plan, have it live with us?

0:21:310:21:33

-Why not?

-It needs a home.

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It has a home.

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A home where it's goin' to get hit in the head with a hammer.

0:21:370:21:39

That duck was a trouble maker, you heard the farmer.

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He brought it on himself.

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He was probably just actin' out cos the farmer was mistreating him.

0:21:420:21:45

-That's enough! We're bringin' it back to the farm.

-No!

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Then we're leavin' it here.

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It's domesticated. It won't last one night out here in the wilderness.

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How can ya be so heartless?

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How dare you call me that. I live and breathe to take care of you.

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He can come back to my house.

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I was hopin' to have a nice family day out with my son

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and then you joined us.

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Get in!

0:22:170:22:19

Did you ever have an argument in a car and then need to fart?

0:22:330:22:36

It wasn't me.

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-See you tomorrow, Con.

-See you.

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Thanks for lettin' me come on de trip.

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Wait, you're not leavin' him with us.

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What do you expect me to do, sit him up on the crossbar?

0:23:230:23:26

I think it's best if you stay away for a while.

0:23:510:23:53

I hear ya, let's take a break. I'll see you in a couple of days.

0:23:560:24:00

-Jesus.

-What?

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You're like a boomerang with shit on it.

0:24:040:24:06

Good one. You'd swear you didn't like me.

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I don't like you, Jock.

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Why is that?

0:24:220:24:23

Conor has so little confidence he'd latch on to anyone

0:24:250:24:28

-and you're taking advantage of that.

-No, I don't mean...

0:24:280:24:30

Shut up now and listen to me.

0:24:300:24:31

He worships the ground you walk on.

0:24:330:24:36

He listens to your bullshit and he believes it

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and it's all bullshit, isn't it?

0:24:380:24:39

He copies what you do, what you wear, what you say.

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He wants to be just like you.

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And that's my problem.

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Cos you're nothing but a little scumbag.

0:24:530:24:55

It's not nice hearin' dem tings being said.

0:25:030:25:06

And yeah, some of them might be true but...

0:25:080:25:11

..you're not perfect yourself.

0:25:120:25:14

And I never once said a bad thing about you.

0:25:150:25:17

DUCK QUACKS

0:25:410:25:42

You're not comin' back with me.

0:25:480:25:50

YELLING AND CRASHING

0:25:510:25:54

Some decisions you can spend fucking ages making.

0:25:540:25:57

You just keep debating with yourself until you're

0:25:570:26:00

100% certain that it's the right thing to do.

0:26:000:26:01

But most of the time, you do things without thinking at all.

0:26:040:26:07

There's just something inside you that tells you...you got to do it.

0:26:090:26:12

Do it, I fuckin' dare ya!

0:26:430:26:45

Jock, get everythin' you need from here. You're not coming back.

0:26:520:26:55

Come on, hurry up.

0:26:590:27:00

Come on. Get in the car.

0:27:330:27:35

Jock's going to be staying with us for a while.

0:28:120:28:15

Don't just stand there, grab his stuff and give him a hand.

0:28:170:28:20

Me da used to say the same shit over and over.

0:28:220:28:25

Like, "Out with the old, in with the new."

0:28:250:28:28

I think he'd be happy a new fridge was coming into the house.

0:28:280:28:31

Why does the new fridge look shitter than the old fridge?

0:28:310:28:34

I could sleep in here.

0:28:370:28:39

Right, you two transfer the food that's not wasted into the new

0:28:460:28:49

fridge and I'll make dinner.

0:28:490:28:50

Fill that up with water for the duck.

0:28:530:28:55

He'll never be able to swim in that.

0:28:550:28:57

-To drink.

-Oh, yeah.

0:28:570:28:59

The two of us up on the plank of wood, what were we thinking?

0:29:170:29:20

We'd still be on the side of the road if it wasn't for him.

0:29:200:29:23

Big enough for a swim after all.

0:29:250:29:27

Sometimes the family you're born into isn't the right family at all.

0:29:290:29:33

The right family is the one that works.

0:29:330:29:36

Conor and his mam Mairead's much-loved fridge, bought by Conor's dad, has finally given up on them. Remembering when the fridge was originally bought in town miles away, Mairead decides that a family bonding session on a road trip to that same town to buy a replacement fridge will be just the thing to bond with her son.


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