Episode 5 The Young Offenders


Episode 5

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Transcript


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This programme contains strong language

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Mam's always saying me and Jock should find part-time jobs.

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But who the fuck would hire us? She said, "Start with the people you know."

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Mam, we got to do two weeks' work experience for school,

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can we do it with you?

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-Not a fuckin' chance.

-Come on. If we can't find somewhere, they're going to make us

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work with the school caretaker cleaning toilets.

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And that is, without doubt, the worst job on the planet.

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There's a kid who's been putting his shit in the hand dryers. They can't figure out who it is.

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It's just disgusting, like.

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I got caught the other day.

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I mean, who the fuck would find that funny?

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C'mon, it'll be interesting to see what the fuck you do every day.

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We're actually really interested in fish.

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-Please, Mam!

-Yeah, please, Mam!

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I'm not yer fuckin' mam. I didn't adopt you.

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BOTH: Please!

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It doesn't take a genius to figure out that working for a living is for dickheads.

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-Come on. Get up!

-But it's fucking dark?!

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You have to get up too early...

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Got any clean jocks?

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You've to travel on a bus with a bunch of langers.

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You have to put up with annoying customers rattling on about some shit you don't care about.

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Give me two of them skins.

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-You're overworked...

-I cut myself.

-..and under appreciated.

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I would ask you what you want but I can't fucking reach.

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Don't cuss in front of customers.

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And you've fuck all to show for it.

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Where's the rest of my dinner?

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I've got two of you dickheads to feed now instead of one. You try doing it on my wage.

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Add some water and give it a shake.

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And then do it all over again like a dope.

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Get up!

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Did someone order one of these?

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Ah!

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Stay out of the way until after lunch, please. Thank you.

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Five more days of this shit!

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Welcome to the Matrix.

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This is what normal people do every day of the fuckin' week.

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Any chance of another 50 and I'll make it up to you in extra hours?

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-Sure, everything all right?

-Yeah, it'll be grand.

-Yeah? Sure?

-Yeah.

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THEY PRETEND TO CHAT

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Take the trolley down to the wholesaler's and collect this order. And take as long as you want

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cos yer wreckin' everyone's heads here.

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The only good thing about this job is it comes with a set of wheels.

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Behind me, is a 426lb bluefin tuna, the biggest

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caught off the coast of County Cork in many years.

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Bluefin tuna, a delicacy in Japan, can reach obscene amounts of money.

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A record sale for one of these fish on the Japanese market, where

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bluefin sushi is a delicacy, believe it or not, was 1.5m euros last year!

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The one behind me isn't worth quite that,

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but should reach 50,000, according to Cork Fish wholesalers,

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who are currently accepting bids.

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Not bad for one day's fishing.

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Sorry, Jim, I forgot to press record that time.

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We'll need to go again.

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Where'd you fuck off to?

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I really enjoyed loading all of this shit onto the trolley meself.

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Want to make 5,000 euro for two hours work?

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Sure. What's the catch?

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Tuna.

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I was just talking to Sully there.

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If we can brings that big fish down to the docklands tomorrow, about midday,

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he'll have a boat waiting and a bag of cash.

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Look, I've got a map.

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This is where we are, OK?

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All we gotta do is bring it from here to here without being seen.

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It's a 20-minute walk at the most.

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Like, fuckin' steal it?

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Yeah, what else!

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We do it on Sunday, when no-one's around.

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Your mam's fuckin' broke.

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Do ya not want to help her out?

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I thought I could help her out in a different way, like.

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Wipe the piss off the toilet seat or...

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So you wipe up the piss that you put there?

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-Well, yeah, be a gentleman, like.

-Or be a gentleman.

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Flush the shit you put in the toilet, oh, that's a great service.

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She needs this money, we could help her out and say thanks for all the good she's been doing for us.

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Yeah? Who cares about the wholesaler? This gaff is fucking minted.

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He lives in a big fish palace.

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He doesn't need this money, we do. Fuck him.

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We're at home counting pennies.

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Mairead's working double time just to try and feed us,

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she's got two kids to look after now instead of one.

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-And we're doing nothing for her, like.

-Yeah.

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Think about the things your mam could do with five grand.

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She could get a nice blouse or something.

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Yeah. Get a George Foreman grill.

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Yeah, she'd like that.

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She deserves it.

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What do you mean, you were stealing a fish?

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I was stealing a fish, like.

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-Why?

-Because you want loads of money!

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What about the law?

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It's a bit of a grey area.

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Nobody owns a fish, is the way I see it, like, you know what I mean?

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If I was to rob a car and somebody owns the car,

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you get in trouble for that, but no man can own a fish,

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because he's his own... He's his own, you know?

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HE SNIFFS

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HE SNORTS UP PHLEGM

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What's wrong with him?

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He suffers from frigidity.

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What's frigidity?

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Frig..did.. Frigidity.

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-Do you have enough room? Do you want...?

-No, you're grand.

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-No, it's grand.

-No...

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He's a fucking frigid, like?

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Frigid...

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-Frigid, like?

-Yeah, yeah.

-Yeah.

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That's what he has.

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Erm, we've better head home. For dinner.

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Fucking hell.

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My mam's going to kill me, so, eh?

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Meself and Jock are generally into daytime crime.

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Night-time crime can be very competitive.

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Luckily, fish stealing is a bit of a niche market.

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-When did you rob the key?

-I didn't rob anything.

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I just swapped the wholesaler's lock for a similar-looking one yesterday.

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So if anyone asks, I'm opening my own lock with my own key.

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There's nothing illegal about that.

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I've pretty much invented a loophole in the laws against breaking

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-and entering.

-So what we're doing, can't get in trouble for?

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Not in the eyes of the law.

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Well, the can be pretty stupid sometimes!

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Lucky for us, there's idiots making the rules.

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Jesus, it's a bit bigger than I remember.

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Here's a tip if you're ever thinking about stealing a 400lb fish -

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bring a forklift.

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Oh, you fucking bastard. Come here...

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Put the trolley on its side and we can slide it in.

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I'll try again.

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You nearly had it.

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Nearly there.

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I'm nearly there!

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Yep, I'll give you a hand.

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One, two, three!

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Whenever we try and lift it slowly, it catches on and it goes...

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-..so we've got to...

-Catch it by surprise.

-..by surprise.

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Wait, just walk away. Wait.

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So, I don't know what I'm going to do...

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Cos I just feel like sometimes...

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Right, that's it.

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Here.

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-Go, go, go!

-Yeah.

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Now we've just got to stand him up, OK?

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And once he's standing, you hold him, and I'm going to pull this out.

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OK.

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That's all right.

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One, two, three!

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Yes!

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I can't wait to see Mam's face

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when we give her the money we get for this tuna.

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I've never stolen anything for anyone else before.

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It's actually a really nice feeling.

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-Do you think it's a man fish or a woman fish?

-A woman fish.

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How would you know?

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It's got no dick.

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Fish don't have dicks.

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They have to have dicks.

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How do you think women fish get preggers?

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Not sure. All I know is I've never seen a dick on a fish.

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There are three main dangers you need to be aware of when

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transporting a giant bluefin tuna through Cork city in broad daylight.

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The first one is obvious -

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any guards that might be on the lookout for a stolen fish.

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SIRENS

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The second danger is - wild animals.

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Go away.

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You do not want to find yourself between them and their next meal.

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Go home! Fuck off, you filthy scavenger!

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The third danger, and the worst of them all -

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rival gangs.

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What's in that thing?

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None of your fucking business.

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-Smells like a fish.

-It's not a fucking fish.

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Away, away!

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I'll ram the cone up ye, you stupid prick.

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I want a bit of fish for my dinner!

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No, no, no!

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Don't drop that! Hey!

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Jock has one of them brains which only really

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works well in a crisis situation.

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Right, mate, what the fuck we going to do?

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Do you remember that movie were watching the other night, the black-and-white one?

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Not really.

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I just fall asleep if it's not in colour.

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-Was it any good?

-No, it was shit.

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But there was this gangster in it who was after killing a fella

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who'd eaten a load of diamonds.

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So, he wanted all the diamonds, but couldn't just, like, cut him open,

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because there was police outside and everything like that.

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What did he do, so?

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Simple. He came up with this plan, right?

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He tied a rope round his feet, threw him into the river and

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just walked out of the city with a rope over his shoulder, like this.

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Sure, nobody's going to look at a fella with a rope

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over his shoulder, they just think he's a fucking weirdo.

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Walked out of the city and nobody asked him a question.

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Do you get me?

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-What, eat a load of diamonds?

-No.

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Ah, you can't just chuck the tuna in the water.

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Sully's not going to want to buy a wet fish.

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Oh, my God.

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What?

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All fish are wet, you tool.

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It's their natural habitat.

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There's flying fish, like.

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All right.

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# We started out strong and our hopes were high

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# We figured on being like Bonnie and Clyde

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# 25 years is an alibi

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# Had to get connected

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# So I wrote a long letter to a Government man

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# Told him I was born in the Summer of Sam

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# He said, "Son, I don't think that you understand

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# "Just wanna get elected."

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# But my heart got heavy and my hair grew long

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# Had to take a job just to get along

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# I was down in the gutter below... #

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How are we going to get it past the bridge?

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You go over to the other side, right?

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I'll throw the ring in, and then the current can bring it under

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the bridge, and then you just pick it out on the other side?

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Yeah, yeah!

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# Hey, man, you know

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# What's up, too slow

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# Feels like I'm staring at the sun

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# Get high, get low

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# Don't let your ego

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# Out there, staring at the sun

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# Staring at the sun

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# Well, I got a lot of love for the modern man

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# I read a lot of books that I don't understand

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# Not a lot of things that are lost are sold

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# Just want a hooker with a heart of gold

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# As my heart gets heavy and my hair gets long

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# Hard can it be just to get along?

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# When you don't go selling your soul

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# Just don't go selling your soul. #

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The only good thing about that prick Sergeant Healy off getting driving

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lessons is that there's one less guard in the city to dodge.

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OK, let's go. So, turn on the ignition.

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Now put it into first gear.

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You see, recently, he's been like a randy Labrador,

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sniffing around me mam.

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Brought you some biscuits.

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I brought you some coffee.

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I was just passing.

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Lucky for me, whenever Mam meets a fella she likes...

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Release the clutch. Really slowly.

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..it isn't long before she decides to...

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Hit the fucking brake!

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And whereabouts are you?

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Not far, down by the Port of Cork.

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Yeah, I miss you too. We'll hang on here for you.

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And bring some sandwiches or something, we're fucking starving.

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-Who was that?

-Siobhan.

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She's shopping in town, she's going to come and meet us.

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Is Linda coming?

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Why?

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You dodging her?

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What? Dodging her?

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Yeah, are you fucking dodging her, Frigid McFrigidface?

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I'm not frigid, I'm just waiting for the right moment.

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And being covered in fish guts is not the right moment.

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That sounds like something someone frigid might say.

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I'm not fucking frigid!

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I'm not!

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All right.

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Where you going? Stop! I'm not... Jock!

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-Jock, I'm not frigid, what are you doing?

-I'm was only saying...

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Come here!

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Just pull in here, will you?

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-Slowly!

-I fucking am going slowly.

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-Don't shout at me.

-You're shouting at me.

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Tony, brake. Brake, brake!

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Do you ever get your blood pressure checked?

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What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

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I'm just saying, as a friend, it might be something to keep an eye on.

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"Friend!"

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You're not my friend.

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All right, well, what is this that we're doing, then?

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Fucked if I know.

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I think when you meet the right person,

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nothing will stop you getting together.

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Fuck!

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Oh, fuck it.

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-HORN BLARES

-Fuck!

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ENGINE REVS

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Just a sec, I need more room.

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MOVES HANDBRAKE

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-Ah!

-Fuck!

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Stop, stop, stop!

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What's wrong?

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I can't do this.

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Jock has this stupid fucking theory that frigidity runs in the family.

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Come on, boy, it's easy.

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All you've got to do is put your lips up against her lips

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and just put your tongue through.

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Like a letterbox.

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Stop talking about it.

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Have you tried practising on your arm?

0:18:170:18:19

Fuck. Off.

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I'm serious.

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-My arm?

-Yeah.

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That's what most people do.

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Sucking your bicep is like getting someone's tongue in your hole.

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Go on, give it a go.

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Just around here.

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Just go for it. Give it a rub first.

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SIOBHAN LAUGHS

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Erm...

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I just got stung, I was just trying to remove the venom.

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Looks like you were shifting your own arm.

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I wasn't.

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-Missed you.

-I missed you too.

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Sometimes there's no right moment.

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You've just got to throw caution to the wind,

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brave up and dive right in.

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I'm just covered in fish guts, so...

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I don't mind.

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-What?

-It just smells like Omega three or something.

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-Like what?

-Do you know, Omega three, the...?

-Oh, the golden thing?

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Yeah, the stuff they give you when you're small...

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Yeah, Mam used to give me them all the time before school,

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-she said, "It'll make you really clever," and stuff.

-Yeah!

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-There's bluefin tuna at the end of that rope?

-Yeah.

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How much is it worth, anyway?

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50,000.

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-50,000?

-Yeah.

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But we're only selling it for five.

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I think I got ripped off, actually.

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What do you can do as well, it is, like, take a load of them and...

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-Kind of...

-..you cover your arse and your farts stink of fish.

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-Stop, that's manky!

-It does, it does!

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You mean, you fart in class and the whole place smells like fish?

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Make your farts smell like fish!

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Like, I've got to give most of the money to Con's mam,

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but I could take you out for dinner or something after we get the money.

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Especially the teacher, because the teacher hears, like, a fart,

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and she's like, "It's going to stink of shit."

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And then all of a sudden, this waft of just pollock comes your way.

0:20:570:21:00

-Do you have a sandwich, actually?

-Yeah, hold on.

0:21:000:21:03

Tuna sandwich.

0:21:030:21:04

It's tuna.

0:21:080:21:09

Fuck did you get tuna for?

0:21:110:21:12

You all right?

0:21:140:21:16

Do you want some? It's...

0:21:200:21:21

Fuck, no.

0:21:210:21:22

Thanks...

0:21:230:21:24

..but no.

0:21:240:21:26

Oh, erm...

0:21:260:21:27

No, it's just I've got fish, you know, all over my hands and...

0:21:270:21:30

Since when has shit on your hands ever been a problem to you?

0:21:300:21:33

Usually you have Jock's shit all over your hands.

0:21:330:21:35

What?

0:21:380:21:39

-You've got some big mouth, do you know that?

-Oops!

0:21:390:21:42

It was your shit in the hand-dryer?

0:21:460:21:47

I'm... I'm sorry, boy.

0:21:500:21:51

I didn't do it on purpose.

0:21:530:21:55

You never wash your hands!

0:21:550:21:56

It wasn't my fault you went all hygienic that day.

0:21:560:22:00

Bollocks!

0:22:000:22:01

Fuck!

0:22:010:22:02

Quit messing around, Jock, get the fucking thing!

0:22:080:22:10

You do it, I'm still learning.

0:22:100:22:12

-I'm not going in there, it smells.

-Jock!

0:22:120:22:14

-Jock, come on!

-All right!

0:22:140:22:16

Watch out for the toilet paper!

0:22:290:22:31

It's not toilet paper, it's a fucking condom.

0:22:320:22:35

Thanks for all the fucking help, boy!

0:22:490:22:51

"Jump in the water, Jock, you'll the fucking fine, Jock."

0:22:550:22:57

Oh, yeah, yeah, I can't even fucking swim... I'm fucking freezing!

0:22:570:23:01

Come on, we've got to get the tuna to Sully.

0:23:010:23:03

I've never seen a fish that size before.

0:23:030:23:05

-Give us a look at it before you go.

-No, we're late.

0:23:050:23:07

We were meant to be their ages ago.

0:23:070:23:08

You know what happens when you say no to me.

0:23:080:23:11

Fuck's sake.

0:23:130:23:14

# Out in the ocean at the bottom of the sea

0:23:160:23:18

# There's a tiny little turnip fish, having his tea

0:23:180:23:23

# All the other fish think he's really weird

0:23:230:23:27

# All of the time he is drinking beer

0:23:270:23:30

# That's OK

0:23:300:23:32

# It's very nice

0:23:320:23:34

# I don't care

0:23:340:23:36

# For sugar and spice

0:23:360:23:38

# He says, "I am the turnip fish..." #

0:23:380:23:40

I don't feel too good.

0:23:400:23:41

Me neither.

0:23:440:23:45

Do you think Sully will still buy it off from us?

0:23:500:23:52

I mean, like, the tale of a bluefin tuna's got to be worth something?

0:23:520:23:55

That's a yellowfin tuna.

0:23:560:23:58

No, it's not, it's a bluefin tuna,

0:24:010:24:03

the yellowfin tuna aren't worth much.

0:24:030:24:05

If it's a bluefin tuna, why has it got yellow fins, so?

0:24:050:24:08

At least you didn't lose a 50k fish.

0:24:210:24:23

Shit!

0:24:250:24:26

I think if you steal something from someone for someone else

0:24:350:24:38

but then you lose the something you stole before you give

0:24:380:24:40

it to the someone else, morally, it all kind of levels out.

0:24:400:24:42

Know what I mean?

0:24:420:24:44

You going to clean that up?

0:24:480:24:49

Are you here to arrest the duck?

0:25:090:25:10

Your mam asked me to stick around.

0:25:120:25:15

You shifting her?

0:25:150:25:16

We're just friends, OK?

0:25:180:25:19

She wouldn't shift him!

0:25:190:25:21

Shifting guards is like shifting cousins.

0:25:210:25:23

Here, let me show you this funny video I got at work, right?

0:25:260:25:31

These two have got to be the biggest morons

0:25:310:25:33

I've seen in my entire life.

0:25:330:25:34

Do you actually go out of your way to upset your mother?

0:26:050:26:08

Quit talking to us like you're our da.

0:26:080:26:10

-You're not, you know.

-I'm not trying to be,

0:26:100:26:12

I'm just trying to stop your mother getting hurt and I'm a guard

0:26:120:26:15

who's trying really hard not to arrest you, you dumb little prick.

0:26:150:26:18

You could be looking at six months in a juvenile detention centre.

0:26:180:26:23

If you let us off this, you could be our da.

0:26:230:26:25

I don't want to be your fucking da.

0:26:250:26:27

Where is she?

0:26:300:26:32

She's down arranging payment for that fish you stole

0:26:320:26:34

so they don't press charges.

0:26:340:26:36

It's going to take her all year to pay it off.

0:26:360:26:39

It's tough enough providing for two kids

0:26:390:26:40

without having more debt to deal with.

0:26:400:26:42

We were going to sell it and give you the money to pay the bills.

0:26:590:27:02

I'll leave you to it.

0:27:070:27:09

One sec.

0:27:110:27:13

Sometimes you've just got to do what's right for you.

0:27:140:27:16

Even if other people find it fucking disgusting.

0:27:190:27:22

Ah, yeah.

0:27:310:27:33

So, I'll... I'll see you tomorrow?

0:27:330:27:35

I guess, I suppose. And...

0:27:350:27:37

I'll see you, lads!

0:27:380:27:40

Erm...

0:27:400:27:41

Couldn't even steal the right fucking fish.

0:27:460:27:48

The teacher who sent us off to do unpaid work experience said,

0:27:570:28:01

"Work is not all about the money."

0:28:010:28:03

I hate to admit it, because he's a prick,

0:28:030:28:06

but I think there's a bit of truth in that.

0:28:060:28:08

-Can I do something?

-Yeah, erm...

0:28:080:28:10

-Bag up those mussels for that girl over there.

-Sure.

0:28:100:28:13

You see, in the criminal world, there's a lack of community spirit.

0:28:130:28:17

There's just something nice about helping people with the simple shit.

0:28:170:28:21

Like picking out their dinner.

0:28:210:28:23

OK, I've got that for you.

0:28:230:28:25

Thanks a million. Cheers.

0:28:250:28:26

All the usual for you?

0:28:280:28:29

Or having the craic was some old fucker

0:28:290:28:30

you wouldn't normally batter your hole with.

0:28:300:28:33

-How's the missus?

-She's OK, she's alive.

0:28:330:28:35

Same fucking joke everyday, Tommy.

0:28:350:28:36

Makes you smile everyday too, though.

0:28:360:28:38

You get the chance to learn new skills.

0:28:400:28:42

Something that won't get you arrested.

0:28:420:28:44

-I got it!

-Got it?

0:28:440:28:45

There you go!

0:28:460:28:48

Look at him, he's professional.

0:28:480:28:50

If you get good at something, I think you start to enjoy it,

0:28:510:28:53

even it is to do with fish.

0:28:530:28:55

Do you know your mother's the best fishmonger in the country?

0:28:550:28:58

-Oh, really?

-Ask anyone.

0:28:580:29:00

That's for yourself.

0:29:090:29:11

So, that's a little thank you.

0:29:110:29:13

See you, guys.

0:29:130:29:14

-Thanks, Pat.

-Thanks.

0:29:140:29:16

And, yeah, people go to work so they can get paid.

0:29:190:29:21

But I think sometimes the real value of money

0:29:260:29:29

is not what you can buy with it...

0:29:290:29:30

..it's knowing how hard someone worked to earn it.

0:29:320:29:35

Fuck!

0:29:430:29:45

Wax?

0:29:470:29:48

Ugh!

0:29:570:29:58

Fucker!

0:29:590:30:00

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