Episode 5 The Young Offenders

This programme contains strong language

Mam's always saying me and Jock should find part-time jobs.

But who the fuck would hire us? She said, "Start with the people you know."

Mam, we got to do two weeks' work experience for school,

can we do it with you?

-Not a fuckin' chance.

-Come on. If we can't find somewhere, they're going to make us

work with the school caretaker cleaning toilets.

And that is, without doubt, the worst job on the planet.

There's a kid who's been putting his shit in the hand dryers. They can't figure out who it is.

It's just disgusting, like.

I got caught the other day.

I mean, who the fuck would find that funny?

C'mon, it'll be interesting to see what the fuck you do every day.

We're actually really interested in fish.

-Please, Mam!

-Yeah, please, Mam!

I'm not yer fuckin' mam. I didn't adopt you.

BOTH: Please!

It doesn't take a genius to figure out that working for a living is for dickheads.

-Come on. Get up!

-But it's fucking dark?!

You have to get up too early...

Got any clean jocks?

You've to travel on a bus with a bunch of langers.

You have to put up with annoying customers rattling on about some shit you don't care about.

Give me two of them skins.

-You're overworked...

-I cut myself.

-..and under appreciated.

I would ask you what you want but I can't fucking reach.

Don't cuss in front of customers.

And you've fuck all to show for it.

Where's the rest of my dinner?

I've got two of you dickheads to feed now instead of one. You try doing it on my wage.

Add some water and give it a shake.

And then do it all over again like a dope.

Get up!

Did someone order one of these?

Ah!

Stay out of the way until after lunch, please. Thank you.

Five more days of this shit!

Welcome to the Matrix.

This is what normal people do every day of the fuckin' week.

Any chance of another 50 and I'll make it up to you in extra hours?

-Sure, everything all right?

-Yeah, it'll be grand.

-Yeah? Sure?

-Yeah.

THEY PRETEND TO CHAT

Take the trolley down to the wholesaler's and collect this order. And take as long as you want

cos yer wreckin' everyone's heads here.

The only good thing about this job is it comes with a set of wheels.

Behind me, is a 426lb bluefin tuna, the biggest

caught off the coast of County Cork in many years.

Bluefin tuna, a delicacy in Japan, can reach obscene amounts of money.

A record sale for one of these fish on the Japanese market, where

bluefin sushi is a delicacy, believe it or not, was 1.5m euros last year!

The one behind me isn't worth quite that,

but should reach 50,000, according to Cork Fish wholesalers,

who are currently accepting bids.

Not bad for one day's fishing.

Sorry, Jim, I forgot to press record that time.

We'll need to go again.

Where'd you fuck off to?

I really enjoyed loading all of this shit onto the trolley meself.

Want to make 5,000 euro for two hours work?

Sure. What's the catch?

Tuna.

I was just talking to Sully there.

If we can brings that big fish down to the docklands tomorrow, about midday,

he'll have a boat waiting and a bag of cash.

Look, I've got a map.

This is where we are, OK?

All we gotta do is bring it from here to here without being seen.

It's a 20-minute walk at the most.

Like, fuckin' steal it?

Yeah, what else!

We do it on Sunday, when no-one's around.

Your mam's fuckin' broke.

Do ya not want to help her out?

I thought I could help her out in a different way, like.

Wipe the piss off the toilet seat or...

So you wipe up the piss that you put there?

-Well, yeah, be a gentleman, like.

-Or be a gentleman.

Flush the shit you put in the toilet, oh, that's a great service.

She needs this money, we could help her out and say thanks for all the good she's been doing for us.

Yeah? Who cares about the wholesaler? This gaff is fucking minted.

He lives in a big fish palace.

He doesn't need this money, we do. Fuck him.

We're at home counting pennies.

Mairead's working double time just to try and feed us,

she's got two kids to look after now instead of one.

-And we're doing nothing for her, like.

-Yeah.

Think about the things your mam could do with five grand.

She could get a nice blouse or something.

Yeah. Get a George Foreman grill.

Yeah, she'd like that.

She deserves it.

What do you mean, you were stealing a fish?

I was stealing a fish, like.

-Why?

-Because you want loads of money!

What about the law?

It's a bit of a grey area.

Nobody owns a fish, is the way I see it, like, you know what I mean?

If I was to rob a car and somebody owns the car,

you get in trouble for that, but no man can own a fish,

because he's his own... He's his own, you know?

HE SNIFFS

HE SNORTS UP PHLEGM

What's wrong with him?

He suffers from frigidity.

What's frigidity?

Frig..did.. Frigidity.

-Do you have enough room? Do you want...?

-No, you're grand.

-No, it's grand.

-No...

He's a fucking frigid, like?

Frigid...

-Frigid, like?

-Yeah, yeah.

-Yeah.

That's what he has.

Erm, we've better head home. For dinner.

Fucking hell.

My mam's going to kill me, so, eh?

Meself and Jock are generally into daytime crime.

Night-time crime can be very competitive.

Luckily, fish stealing is a bit of a niche market.

-When did you rob the key?

-I didn't rob anything.

I just swapped the wholesaler's lock for a similar-looking one yesterday.

So if anyone asks, I'm opening my own lock with my own key.

There's nothing illegal about that.

I've pretty much invented a loophole in the laws against breaking

-and entering.

-So what we're doing, can't get in trouble for?

Not in the eyes of the law.

Well, the can be pretty stupid sometimes!

Lucky for us, there's idiots making the rules.

Jesus, it's a bit bigger than I remember.

Here's a tip if you're ever thinking about stealing a 400lb fish -

bring a forklift.

Oh, you fucking bastard. Come here...

Put the trolley on its side and we can slide it in.

I'll try again.

You nearly had it.

Nearly there.

I'm nearly there!

Yep, I'll give you a hand.

One, two, three!

Whenever we try and lift it slowly, it catches on and it goes...

-..so we've got to...

-Catch it by surprise.

-..by surprise.

Wait, just walk away. Wait.

So, I don't know what I'm going to do...

Cos I just feel like sometimes...

Right, that's it.

Here.

-Go, go, go!

-Yeah.

Now we've just got to stand him up, OK?

And once he's standing, you hold him, and I'm going to pull this out.

OK.

That's all right.

One, two, three!

Yes!

I can't wait to see Mam's face

when we give her the money we get for this tuna.

I've never stolen anything for anyone else before.

It's actually a really nice feeling.

-Do you think it's a man fish or a woman fish?

-A woman fish.

How would you know?

It's got no dick.

Fish don't have dicks.

They have to have dicks.

How do you think women fish get preggers?

Not sure. All I know is I've never seen a dick on a fish.

There are three main dangers you need to be aware of when

transporting a giant bluefin tuna through Cork city in broad daylight.

The first one is obvious -

any guards that might be on the lookout for a stolen fish.

SIRENS

The second danger is - wild animals.

Go away.

You do not want to find yourself between them and their next meal.

Go home! Fuck off, you filthy scavenger!

The third danger, and the worst of them all -

rival gangs.

What's in that thing?

None of your fucking business.

-Smells like a fish.

-It's not a fucking fish.

Away, away!

I'll ram the cone up ye, you stupid prick.

I want a bit of fish for my dinner!

No, no, no!

Don't drop that! Hey!

Jock has one of them brains which only really

works well in a crisis situation.

Right, mate, what the fuck we going to do?

Do you remember that movie were watching the other night, the black-and-white one?

Not really.

I just fall asleep if it's not in colour.

-Was it any good?

-No, it was shit.

But there was this gangster in it who was after killing a fella

who'd eaten a load of diamonds.

So, he wanted all the diamonds, but couldn't just, like, cut him open,

because there was police outside and everything like that.

What did he do, so?

Simple. He came up with this plan, right?

He tied a rope round his feet, threw him into the river and

just walked out of the city with a rope over his shoulder, like this.

Sure, nobody's going to look at a fella with a rope

over his shoulder, they just think he's a fucking weirdo.

Walked out of the city and nobody asked him a question.

Do you get me?

-What, eat a load of diamonds?

-No.

Ah, you can't just chuck the tuna in the water.

Sully's not going to want to buy a wet fish.

Oh, my God.

What?

All fish are wet, you tool.

It's their natural habitat.

There's flying fish, like.

All right.

# We started out strong and our hopes were high

# We figured on being like Bonnie and Clyde

# 25 years is an alibi

# Had to get connected

# So I wrote a long letter to a Government man

# Told him I was born in the Summer of Sam

# He said, "Son, I don't think that you understand

# "Just wanna get elected."

# But my heart got heavy and my hair grew long

# Had to take a job just to get along

# I was down in the gutter below... #

How are we going to get it past the bridge?

You go over to the other side, right?

I'll throw the ring in, and then the current can bring it under

the bridge, and then you just pick it out on the other side?

Yeah, yeah!

# Hey, man, you know

# What's up, too slow

# Feels like I'm staring at the sun

# Get high, get low

# Don't let your ego

# Out there, staring at the sun

# Staring at the sun

# Well, I got a lot of love for the modern man

# I read a lot of books that I don't understand

# Not a lot of things that are lost are sold

# Just want a hooker with a heart of gold

# As my heart gets heavy and my hair gets long

# Hard can it be just to get along?

# When you don't go selling your soul

# Just don't go selling your soul. #

The only good thing about that prick Sergeant Healy off getting driving

lessons is that there's one less guard in the city to dodge.

OK, let's go. So, turn on the ignition.

Now put it into first gear.

You see, recently, he's been like a randy Labrador,

sniffing around me mam.

Brought you some biscuits.

I brought you some coffee.

I was just passing.

Lucky for me, whenever Mam meets a fella she likes...

Release the clutch. Really slowly.

..it isn't long before she decides to...

Hit the fucking brake!

And whereabouts are you?

Not far, down by the Port of Cork.

Yeah, I miss you too. We'll hang on here for you.

And bring some sandwiches or something, we're fucking starving.

-Who was that?

-Siobhan.

She's shopping in town, she's going to come and meet us.

Is Linda coming?

Why?

You dodging her?

What? Dodging her?

Yeah, are you fucking dodging her, Frigid McFrigidface?

I'm not frigid, I'm just waiting for the right moment.

And being covered in fish guts is not the right moment.

That sounds like something someone frigid might say.

I'm not fucking frigid!

I'm not!

All right.

Where you going? Stop! I'm not... Jock!

-Jock, I'm not frigid, what are you doing?

-I'm was only saying...

Come here!

Just pull in here, will you?

-Slowly!

-I fucking am going slowly.

-Don't shout at me.

-You're shouting at me.

Tony, brake. Brake, brake!

Do you ever get your blood pressure checked?

What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

I'm just saying, as a friend, it might be something to keep an eye on.

"Friend!"

You're not my friend.

All right, well, what is this that we're doing, then?

Fucked if I know.

I think when you meet the right person,

nothing will stop you getting together.

Fuck!

Oh, fuck it.

-HORN BLARES

-Fuck!

ENGINE REVS

Just a sec, I need more room.

MOVES HANDBRAKE

-Ah!

-Fuck!

Stop, stop, stop!

What's wrong?

I can't do this.

Jock has this stupid fucking theory that frigidity runs in the family.

Come on, boy, it's easy.

All you've got to do is put your lips up against her lips

and just put your tongue through.

Like a letterbox.

Stop talking about it.

Have you tried practising on your arm?

Fuck. Off.

I'm serious.

-My arm?

-Yeah.

That's what most people do.

Sucking your bicep is like getting someone's tongue in your hole.

Go on, give it a go.

Just around here.

Just go for it. Give it a rub first.

SIOBHAN LAUGHS

Erm...

I just got stung, I was just trying to remove the venom.

Looks like you were shifting your own arm.

I wasn't.

-Missed you.

-I missed you too.

Sometimes there's no right moment.

You've just got to throw caution to the wind,

brave up and dive right in.

I'm just covered in fish guts, so...

I don't mind.

-What?

-It just smells like Omega three or something.

-Like what?

-Do you know, Omega three, the...?

-Oh, the golden thing?

Yeah, the stuff they give you when you're small...

Yeah, Mam used to give me them all the time before school,

-she said, "It'll make you really clever," and stuff.

-Yeah!

-There's bluefin tuna at the end of that rope?

-Yeah.

How much is it worth, anyway?

50,000.

-50,000?

-Yeah.

But we're only selling it for five.

I think I got ripped off, actually.

What do you can do as well, it is, like, take a load of them and...

-Kind of...

-..you cover your arse and your farts stink of fish.

-Stop, that's manky!

-It does, it does!

You mean, you fart in class and the whole place smells like fish?

Make your farts smell like fish!

Like, I've got to give most of the money to Con's mam,

but I could take you out for dinner or something after we get the money.

Especially the teacher, because the teacher hears, like, a fart,

and she's like, "It's going to stink of shit."

And then all of a sudden, this waft of just pollock comes your way.

-Do you have a sandwich, actually?

-Yeah, hold on.

Tuna sandwich.

It's tuna.

Fuck did you get tuna for?

You all right?

Do you want some? It's...

Fuck, no.

Thanks...

..but no.

Oh, erm...

No, it's just I've got fish, you know, all over my hands and...

Since when has shit on your hands ever been a problem to you?

Usually you have Jock's shit all over your hands.

What?

-You've got some big mouth, do you know that?

-Oops!

It was your shit in the hand-dryer?

I'm... I'm sorry, boy.

I didn't do it on purpose.

You never wash your hands!

It wasn't my fault you went all hygienic that day.

Bollocks!

Fuck!

Quit messing around, Jock, get the fucking thing!

You do it, I'm still learning.

-I'm not going in there, it smells.

-Jock!

-Jock, come on!

-All right!

Watch out for the toilet paper!

It's not toilet paper, it's a fucking condom.

Thanks for all the fucking help, boy!

"Jump in the water, Jock, you'll the fucking fine, Jock."

Oh, yeah, yeah, I can't even fucking swim... I'm fucking freezing!

Come on, we've got to get the tuna to Sully.

I've never seen a fish that size before.

-Give us a look at it before you go.

-No, we're late.

We were meant to be their ages ago.

You know what happens when you say no to me.

Fuck's sake.

# Out in the ocean at the bottom of the sea

# There's a tiny little turnip fish, having his tea

# All the other fish think he's really weird

# All of the time he is drinking beer

# That's OK

# It's very nice

# I don't care

# For sugar and spice

# He says, "I am the turnip fish..." #

I don't feel too good.

Me neither.

Do you think Sully will still buy it off from us?

I mean, like, the tale of a bluefin tuna's got to be worth something?

That's a yellowfin tuna.

No, it's not, it's a bluefin tuna,

the yellowfin tuna aren't worth much.

If it's a bluefin tuna, why has it got yellow fins, so?

At least you didn't lose a 50k fish.

Shit!

I think if you steal something from someone for someone else

but then you lose the something you stole before you give

it to the someone else, morally, it all kind of levels out.

Know what I mean?

You going to clean that up?

Are you here to arrest the duck?

Your mam asked me to stick around.

You shifting her?

We're just friends, OK?

She wouldn't shift him!

Shifting guards is like shifting cousins.

Here, let me show you this funny video I got at work, right?

These two have got to be the biggest morons

I've seen in my entire life.

Do you actually go out of your way to upset your mother?

Quit talking to us like you're our da.

-You're not, you know.

-I'm not trying to be,

I'm just trying to stop your mother getting hurt and I'm a guard

who's trying really hard not to arrest you, you dumb little prick.

You could be looking at six months in a juvenile detention centre.

If you let us off this, you could be our da.

I don't want to be your fucking da.

Where is she?

She's down arranging payment for that fish you stole

so they don't press charges.

It's going to take her all year to pay it off.

It's tough enough providing for two kids

without having more debt to deal with.

We were going to sell it and give you the money to pay the bills.

I'll leave you to it.

One sec.

Sometimes you've just got to do what's right for you.

Even if other people find it fucking disgusting.

Ah, yeah.

So, I'll... I'll see you tomorrow?

I guess, I suppose. And...

I'll see you, lads!

Erm...

Couldn't even steal the right fucking fish.

The teacher who sent us off to do unpaid work experience said,

"Work is not all about the money."

I hate to admit it, because he's a prick,

but I think there's a bit of truth in that.

-Can I do something?

-Yeah, erm...

-Bag up those mussels for that girl over there.

-Sure.

You see, in the criminal world, there's a lack of community spirit.

There's just something nice about helping people with the simple shit.

Like picking out their dinner.

OK, I've got that for you.

Thanks a million. Cheers.

All the usual for you?

Or having the craic was some old fucker

you wouldn't normally batter your hole with.

-How's the missus?

-She's OK, she's alive.

Same fucking joke everyday, Tommy.

Makes you smile everyday too, though.

You get the chance to learn new skills.

Something that won't get you arrested.

-I got it!

-Got it?

There you go!

Look at him, he's professional.

If you get good at something, I think you start to enjoy it,

even it is to do with fish.

Do you know your mother's the best fishmonger in the country?

-Oh, really?

-Ask anyone.

That's for yourself.

So, that's a little thank you.

See you, guys.

-Thanks, Pat.

-Thanks.

And, yeah, people go to work so they can get paid.

But I think sometimes the real value of money

is not what you can buy with it...

..it's knowing how hard someone worked to earn it.

Fuck!

Wax?

Ugh!

Fucker!