Episode 6 The Young Offenders

This programme contains very strong language

Getting pregnant is one of those good news/bad news kind of things.

Good news when you're getting old and need an excuse for being fat...

What's it say?

-But when you're 15...

-Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!

Do another one.

I've done seven already. I'm all out of pee.

This is the kind of thing you want to be absolutely sure about

before you go telling anyone, don't you think?

Do another.

It must be terrifying giving birth

and not knowing who might come out of ya.

For all you know, it could be someone like...

CRAZED LAUGHTER ..Billy Murphy.

He was born mean - he probably came out of the womb,

bit the doctor, and then spat on his mam.

-Open your legs there.

-What?

Open your legs, the small bit.

-Billy, I don't want to be playing no games, like.

-Relax, will ya?

I've great aim.

No sudden movements now, though.

ARGH, JESUS!

You moved.

HE CONTINUES SCREAMING

Stay still this time, all right?

Tell Mam first, she'll be cool about it.

You're fuckin' what?!

Please don't tell Dad yet. I can't deal with him right now.

Don't tell me what?

Nothing.

Something to do with periods, is it?

Yeah.

I'm getting good at this.

-We're going out.

-What? Wait...

You've been hanging out with Linda for over a month now.

-You need to shift her and get it over with.

-I know. I've been trying.

Hey, look, a dog taking a shit.

I know, Siobhan said Linda's getting tired of waiting,

and if you don't shift her today, she's going to shift someone else.

Look, we're taking them to the cinema.

That's the perfect place to slip her the tongue.

She likes you, there's nothing to be nervous about.

Thanks.

-I'll go get the drink. I'll see you in the bus, yeah?

-Yeah.

Conor, where are you?

Waiting to get on the bus. Why?

You're after taking me phone.

Are you sure?

It's my phone that's in your hands, you dickhead.

I'm calling you from Tony's.

What bus stop are you at?

How's it going?

BOTTLES CLINK

Wait a minute.

You're that fake-faced fucker.

The name's Fake Billy, ya fatty-face fuck!

Are we going left or right? Left, right, left, right? Go right.

Wah!

Stop him!

Eh!

Did you see a fella going past here with a mask, like?

He had the head off you, actually.

Nah.

Fuck's sake.

-Throw it.

-Use both hands.

Just throw the fuckin' thing!

Do you want a 99?

You know what, yeah, I'd love one.

See if they've got any of that strawberry shit they put on top.

I hate getting the bus.

You never know what lunatic might get on.

I'm on the top deck. Bus is about to leave. Are you coming or what?

We're nearly there. Just tell the driver hang on.

-Hurry up!

-I can't. I'm fucking pregnant.

Siobhan says she has big news.

I think she might have got some hash.

Class. Let's hope she doesn't miss the bus so.

Hey, ticket!

Two secs. I'm just lookin' for someone.

Well, I need to go, so either pay for a ticket

or get off the bus, right?

WHISPERS: Shit!

What's going on?

I'm looking for the owner of this mask.

Could whoever it is please step forward?

Bollocks!

Hurry up!

I saw ya getting on wearing a grey hoodie.

I just want to talk to ya about a possible...copyright infringement.

He's got a knife.

I just realised, I'm on the wrong bus.

Sit down a minute there a minute.

This?

PANICKED SCREAMING

I'm not going to stab anybody!

This is just for throwing at me friends.

I'm not finished talking. Look, could you shut that door?

Please, everyone, just do as he says.

Look, will you get back in your seat? I'm not getting a ticket.

I just want to find the owner of this mask and then I'm getting off.

-Siobhan!

-Linda!

Bollocks.

Can we get two child tickets, there, please?

-Get off the bus.

-But our friends are upstairs.

I don't care, get off the fucking bus!

What's got up your hole? We're staying on.

Here, there's a lunatic on the bus with a knife!

Can you move? We're going up to the top deck.

No-one's going upstairs. Sit down.

What's with everyone today? Get out my fucking way, will ya?

There's no need to be so rude.

I didn't fucking curse at you, did I?

It's not what you think! We're only talking!

Put that knife down and put your hands in the air.

Close the door!

Close the door!

Close the fuckin' door!

DOOR CLOSES

-Drive!

-Where to?

Just the next stop, thanks.

Hey! Open the door, hey!

Hey! Open the door.

Stop the bus, hey!

Fuck.

Get in!

-Conor and Jock are on that bus.

-I know! Come on! Move!

Calling all units, this is Sergeant Healey.

We've got a problem on the number 208 bus route,

requesting backup immediately.

This wasn't supposed to happen.

I know it wasn't fuckin' supposed to happen.

It wasn't supposed to fuckin' happen.

HE CARRIES ON TALKING TO HIMSELF

Are you OK?

Er...yeah. Are you OK?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Glad you're OK.

Thanks.

Fuck. I'm OK, I'm OK.

We're the reason he's on this bus, we should be the ones

-to get him off.

-Wait!

I don't like talking to crazy people who have knives.

It'll be grand. He thinks we're his friends.

He's mugged me around 50 times.

Mugging people is just Billy's way of saying hello.

-All right, lads?

-What's the story?

-How you doing?

Fuckin' hell, am I glad to see you.

Where did you come from?

Ah, we were just drinking upstairs.

-Oh, right.

-How are you getting on, anyway?

Not great, to be honest. I think I'm going to have to kidnap

a busload of people.

And all I wanted to do was find out who owned this mask.

He's the reason I got locked up for six months.

-Shit.

-Fuck.

He was wearing a grey hoodie.

Me?

Is that a joke, Billy?

Everyone knows whoever owns that mask wears it

because they've got a melted face.

A melted face?

Yeah.

Acid.

Aye, his eye is droopy and everything.

Do I look like I've got a melted face?

-No.

-Does anyone else in the bus look like they've got a melted face?

Does anyone here got a melted face?

-No!

-No, sir!

-No!

-No!

I'm looking for the owner of a melted face.

Could you look at the person sitting next to you

and see if they have a melted face? And, if they do...

..put up your hand.

See. The reality is, whoever owns that mask is long gone.

They probably jumped out the emergency exit along with

20 other passengers who done the same thing when they seen you

with a fucking knife.

Yeah.

CAR HORN BEEPS

Ah, shit!

SCREAMING

Fuck!

PHONE RINGS

Gimme that.

You have a Guardi's number on your phone?

Erm... He's kind of seeing me mam.

Your mam is riding a Guardi?

Fuck, no! They're too old for that.

They just watch telly together.

-HIGH-PITCHED VOICE:

-Hello?

Is anyone hurt?

No. Everybody's OK. There's just been a bit of misunderstanding,

that's all. Thank you very much!

Is that Billy Murphy?

Who?

Billy Murphy? Who's he?

Look, Billy, what do you want?

How can we get everyone safely off the bus?

I don't want anything.

Why, we're all just going on a nice trip together, OK?

Thank you.

Fuck!

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

BELL RINGS IN TIME WITH HIS SWEARING

I see you're pulling in. Are you giving yourself up?

Fuck! Fuck! What are you doing?!

Someone's ringing the bell.

Who's ringing the bell?!

Could people stop ringing the fucking bell?!

Thank you!

Get out of my fucking way.

-Drive, drive, drive!

-Where to?

I don't care! Just keep fucking going!

Ah, for fuck's sake!

It wasn't even full!

SIRENS BLARE

-TV REPORTER:

-Breaking news.

The number 208 bus has been highjacked just past the roundabout

on the way out of Cork City.

We will bring you more as the story unfolds.

What's your plan, Billy?

I don't know. I've never done this before.

Well, you need to start negotiating. That's what they do in the films.

If you don't, they'll try to take you out with snipers.

What?

PHONE RINGS

-Pick up and tell him what you want.

-OK.

-LOW-PITCHED VOICE:

-Hello?

Billy, I'm unarmed. Would it be OK for me to get on the bus

just to see if everyone's OK?

No. Billy isn't here.

And if you start doing that...

I'LL START THROWING DEAD BODIES OFF THE FUCKING BUS, YOU CUNT!

PANICKED SCREAMING

How was that? Was that OK, was it?

What the fuck are you doing?

You told me to negotiate.

I meant, like, ask for a pizza or something.

That's not a bad idea. I'm actually starving.

-Pizza sounds good, yeah.

-Delicious.

I was only messing about the dead bodies.

Look, I'll put the knife away if it makes you more comfortable.

HE WINCES

Look, if I order some pizzas, will you all have some?

You don't have to have it now if you're not hungry.

You can bring it home for your supper.

It's going to be free!

ALL SPEAK AT ONCE

I'll have a 16" pepperoni, and a carton of wedges.

-Would you like anything to drink?

-Bottle of Coke.

Will I get pepperoni for everyone, or do we have any vegetarians?

There's always one!

So one vegetarian, a rakeload of wedges,

ten Cokes, and ten Club Orange?

Can I have a Tanora?

Sure.

And I'll have a bottle of milk.

Is everybody OK with that now?

-Yeah, yeah.

-Thanks!

Thanks, Billy.

Sh! Don't say me name!

Shit! Sorry, Billy.

-DEEP VOICE:

-Have you got a pen?

The hijacker has put in his first set of demands -

a large quantity of refreshments and a bottle of milk.

This may mean there is an infant on board.

Thank Christ they're OK.

If I'm feeling like this out here,

I can't imagine how terrifying it must be for them on that bus.

Alcopops, anyone?

ALL CHEER

Do you get to wear tracksuits in the prison?

Yeah, you can kind of wear what you want.

That one's open a bit. There you go.

You should tell him.

Here? On the bus?

It's too fucking weird.

You're both 15.

It's going to be fucking weird no matter where you tell him.

Two seconds, actually. I think Siobhan might have some hash.

Do you have some of that hash? I'd love a smoke.

Did somebody say hash?

I don't have hash.

Why would you say she has hash if she don't have hash?

-I thought she had hash.

-Why'd you think I have hash?

You said you had big news.

Hash isn't big news, it's fucking tiny compared to other stuff.

If hash is tiny news, your news must be massive!

Come on, what is it?

I'm not telling you now.

BILLY GASPS

Have you got coke? That would be big news!

I don't have hash, and I don't have coke.

-Well, what HAVE you got?

-Just drop it!

"Drop it"?

Like pills? Have you got pills?

-No!

-Well, what HAVE you got?

Will you stop being so secretive and fucking tell him, will ya?

I'm fucking pregnant, all right?!

Holy shit!

Congratulations! Oh, you're going to be a great dad!

Congratulations!

ALL CHEER

Whoo!

Well, that's brilliant, guys. I'm really happy for you.

Say something.

How did it happen?

You put your dick in my fanny. How do you think?

I know that, but I've done that shitloads before

and no-one's ever got pregnant.

That's nice to know.

It was all before I met you.

This is a good thing.

I think.

Isn't it?

Yeah!

Yeah!

Raspberry or strawberry, love?

What the fuck are you doing? She's pregnant!

Sorry!

Jeez, she's allowed the one.

-Mam's going to kill him.

-Dad's going to kill HER.

Er, two seconds there...

-Ah, fuck.

-What the fuck is wrong with you?

Nothing.

Is there something wrong with me, so? Is that what it is?

No. No, no.

You're perfect.

Then why won't you get with me, so?

Look, it's just I...

I feel like you're expecting this kiss to be something special,

and I'm pretty sure I'm going to fuck it up.

Then why don't we just do that?

Do what?

Fuck it up.

What do you mean?

We both shift horribly, as horribly as we possibly can.

That way, every time we shift after that, it'll seem good.

That's actually a great idea.

All right, will you be using tongue?

Tongue, teeth, everything. It's going to be awful!

OK!

HE HOCKS UP PHLEGM

That's disgusting!

You said awful.

Fair enough.

SHE HOCKS UP PHLEGM

HE HOCKS UP PHLEGM

SHE HOCKS UP PHLEGM

-MUFFLED:

-Ready?

HE MOUTHS SILENTLY

This hijacking's taking forever.

Will we sing a song to pass the time?

Sorry there, does anyone know any sing-songs?

-I'd say Conor does.

-Oh, does he?

Do you know anything, fella?

He loves that fella Westlife.

-You like a bit of Westlife?

-I do, I do, I do!

I have one.

Oh, OK, Billy.

You should all know this one. Feel free to join in.

HE CLEARS THROAT

# Do de do, do de do Do de do, do de do...

TUNE: After All, By The Frank And Walters

Come on!

# Do de do, do de do Do de do, do de do

# Do de do, do de do, do de do Da da da da da da da

# After all, I really love you

# Do de do, do de do Do de do, do de do

# After all that we've been through

# Do de do, do de do, do de do aaah

# I know that we fight, and our love gets pushed to the side

# Aaah

# Still it ends all right

# After all, I really need you... #

Is that singing?

# I don't know how I'd live without you... #

I think so, yeah.

# Aaaaah #

# The days, they go by, and you're always there on my side... #

# Aaaaah #

# Girl, I'm glad you're mine

# There are times I get distracted, girl

# By the ways and workings of this world

# Yet I think of you as my life's shrine

# And I'm glad that I'm yours and you're mine

# Bah bah bah Badaba bah bah bah badaba

# Bah bah bah Badaba bah bah bah badaba

# Bah bah bah Badaba bah bah bah badaba

# Bah bah bah Badaba bah bah bah badaba

# Bah bah bah Badaba bah bah bah badaba

# Bah bah bah Badaba bah bah bah badaba

# That I'm yours and you're mine. #

ALL CHEER

Does anybody need to go toilet?

Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on!

The number 8 bus is heading towards the Cork-Waterford border.

It's only a matter of time before this hijacker runs out of road.

Come on, we need to get ahead of the bus.

-Can we go down...?

-No. OK.

-No.

-This way.

I feel sorry for him.

You feel sorry for Billy?

I'm not saying he's an angel, but after this

he'll probably get life imprisonment for just being stupid.

Round the tree...

..and into the hole.

For fuck's sake!

Look up ahead!

GASPS AND MURMURS

BILLY BREATHES HEAVILY

Drive around them!

I can't, there's no room.

Then reverse!

We're blocked both ways.

The hijacked bus has now hit a Gardai blockade

just on the far side of the Cork-Waterford border.

There are no known casualties at this time.

PHONE RINGS

Billy, you've reached your stop. It's time to get off the bus.

-HIGH VOICE:

-I have a return ticket, thank you very much.

What am I going to do?

There's only two options, really.

What are they?

Option one - give yourself up and go to prison.

Fuck that, I'd rather die than go back there.

What's option two?

Die.

What's option one again?

Not die.

We'll all tell them you were a nice kidnapper.

MURMURS OF AGREEMENT

Thanks very much, I appreciate that.

Do you know what?

I really enjoyed today.

I'll see you all in about 15 to 20 years' time, yeah?

Take care, Billy.

See you, Billy.

Mind yourself.

All the best, Billy.

Tell your mam I was asking for her.

Fuck it.

I think I have a third option,

but I'm going to need everyone's help. Are you up for it?

-Yeah, yeah.

-Yeah, all right.

Billy!

PHONE RINGS

-DEEP VOICE:

-Can you hear me?

We hear you, Billy.

I'm going to throw out my knife, and then, if you put down your guns,

I'll come out with my hands up. OK? No shooting, now, you promise?

OK, we promise.

I'm Billy Murphy!

No, I'm Billy Murphy!

No, I'm Billy Murphy!

I'm Billy Murphy!

I'm Billy Murphy!

Are you sure you saw Billy Murphy on that bus,

or could it have been someone else in a mask?

I'm not going crazy, OK? I saw him here.

-So where is he, so?

-I don't know.

I'm Billy Murphy.

I think even nutjobs like Billy Murphy have reasons

for being the way they are.

I'm not saying all the nasty shit he does is OK,

but you have to wonder...

..if someone loved him just a little bit when he was a kid,

would he have turned out different?

I'm so happy you're OK. I'm never going to fight with you again.

Huh. Let's see how long that lasts.

-MAIREAD:

-She's pregnant?! You fucking idiot!

MAIREAD SCREAMS

Behind me, a mother screams for joy with the safe return of her son.

How does it feel to have your boys back safe?

Just wonderful.

And she just found out she's going to be a granny, too.

You're not my son. I didn't adopt you.

Stop the car!

Linda!

Oh, for fuck's sake!

Emotions are running high here after such a traumatic experience.

There goes another!

MUSIC: After All by The Frank And Walters