Episode 6 The Young Offenders


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Episode 6

Comedy following the adventures of two best friends. A wild bus ride, accidentally instigated by local bully Billy Murphy, brings the lads and the girls closer together.


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Transcript


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This programme contains very strong language

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Getting pregnant is one of those good news/bad news kind of things.

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Good news when you're getting old and need an excuse for being fat...

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What's it say?

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-But when you're 15...

-Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!

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Do another one.

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I've done seven already. I'm all out of pee.

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This is the kind of thing you want to be absolutely sure about

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before you go telling anyone, don't you think?

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Do another.

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It must be terrifying giving birth

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and not knowing who might come out of ya.

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For all you know, it could be someone like...

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CRAZED LAUGHTER ..Billy Murphy.

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He was born mean - he probably came out of the womb,

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bit the doctor, and then spat on his mam.

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-Open your legs there.

-What?

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Open your legs, the small bit.

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-Billy, I don't want to be playing no games, like.

-Relax, will ya?

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I've great aim.

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No sudden movements now, though.

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ARGH, JESUS!

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You moved.

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HE CONTINUES SCREAMING

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Stay still this time, all right?

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Tell Mam first, she'll be cool about it.

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You're fuckin' what?!

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Please don't tell Dad yet. I can't deal with him right now.

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Don't tell me what?

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Nothing.

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Something to do with periods, is it?

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Yeah.

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I'm getting good at this.

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-We're going out.

-What? Wait...

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You've been hanging out with Linda for over a month now.

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-You need to shift her and get it over with.

-I know. I've been trying.

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Hey, look, a dog taking a shit.

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I know, Siobhan said Linda's getting tired of waiting,

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and if you don't shift her today, she's going to shift someone else.

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Look, we're taking them to the cinema.

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That's the perfect place to slip her the tongue.

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She likes you, there's nothing to be nervous about.

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Thanks.

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-I'll go get the drink. I'll see you in the bus, yeah?

-Yeah.

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Conor, where are you?

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Waiting to get on the bus. Why?

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You're after taking me phone.

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Are you sure?

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It's my phone that's in your hands, you dickhead.

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I'm calling you from Tony's.

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What bus stop are you at?

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How's it going?

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BOTTLES CLINK

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Wait a minute.

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You're that fake-faced fucker.

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The name's Fake Billy, ya fatty-face fuck!

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Are we going left or right? Left, right, left, right? Go right.

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Wah!

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Stop him!

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Eh!

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Did you see a fella going past here with a mask, like?

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He had the head off you, actually.

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Nah.

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Fuck's sake.

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-Throw it.

-Use both hands.

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Just throw the fuckin' thing!

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Do you want a 99?

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You know what, yeah, I'd love one.

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See if they've got any of that strawberry shit they put on top.

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I hate getting the bus.

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You never know what lunatic might get on.

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I'm on the top deck. Bus is about to leave. Are you coming or what?

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We're nearly there. Just tell the driver hang on.

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-Hurry up!

-I can't. I'm fucking pregnant.

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Siobhan says she has big news.

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I think she might have got some hash.

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Class. Let's hope she doesn't miss the bus so.

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Hey, ticket!

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Two secs. I'm just lookin' for someone.

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Well, I need to go, so either pay for a ticket

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or get off the bus, right?

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WHISPERS: Shit!

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What's going on?

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I'm looking for the owner of this mask.

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Could whoever it is please step forward?

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Bollocks!

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Hurry up!

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I saw ya getting on wearing a grey hoodie.

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I just want to talk to ya about a possible...copyright infringement.

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He's got a knife.

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I just realised, I'm on the wrong bus.

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Sit down a minute there a minute.

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This?

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PANICKED SCREAMING

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I'm not going to stab anybody!

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This is just for throwing at me friends.

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I'm not finished talking. Look, could you shut that door?

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Please, everyone, just do as he says.

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Look, will you get back in your seat? I'm not getting a ticket.

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I just want to find the owner of this mask and then I'm getting off.

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-Siobhan!

-Linda!

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Bollocks.

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Can we get two child tickets, there, please?

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-Get off the bus.

-But our friends are upstairs.

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I don't care, get off the fucking bus!

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What's got up your hole? We're staying on.

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Here, there's a lunatic on the bus with a knife!

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Can you move? We're going up to the top deck.

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No-one's going upstairs. Sit down.

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What's with everyone today? Get out my fucking way, will ya?

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There's no need to be so rude.

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I didn't fucking curse at you, did I?

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It's not what you think! We're only talking!

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Put that knife down and put your hands in the air.

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Close the door!

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Close the door!

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Close the fuckin' door!

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DOOR CLOSES

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-Drive!

-Where to?

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Just the next stop, thanks.

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Hey! Open the door, hey!

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Hey! Open the door.

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Stop the bus, hey!

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Fuck.

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Get in!

0:08:210:08:22

-Conor and Jock are on that bus.

-I know! Come on! Move!

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Calling all units, this is Sergeant Healey.

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We've got a problem on the number 208 bus route,

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requesting backup immediately.

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This wasn't supposed to happen.

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I know it wasn't fuckin' supposed to happen.

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It wasn't supposed to fuckin' happen.

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HE CARRIES ON TALKING TO HIMSELF

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Are you OK?

0:08:420:08:44

Er...yeah. Are you OK?

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Yeah, I'm fine.

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Glad you're OK.

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Thanks.

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Fuck. I'm OK, I'm OK.

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We're the reason he's on this bus, we should be the ones

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-to get him off.

-Wait!

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I don't like talking to crazy people who have knives.

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It'll be grand. He thinks we're his friends.

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He's mugged me around 50 times.

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Mugging people is just Billy's way of saying hello.

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-All right, lads?

-What's the story?

-How you doing?

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Fuckin' hell, am I glad to see you.

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Where did you come from?

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Ah, we were just drinking upstairs.

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-Oh, right.

-How are you getting on, anyway?

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Not great, to be honest. I think I'm going to have to kidnap

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a busload of people.

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And all I wanted to do was find out who owned this mask.

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He's the reason I got locked up for six months.

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-Shit.

-Fuck.

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He was wearing a grey hoodie.

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Me?

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Is that a joke, Billy?

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Everyone knows whoever owns that mask wears it

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because they've got a melted face.

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A melted face?

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Yeah.

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Acid.

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Aye, his eye is droopy and everything.

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Do I look like I've got a melted face?

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-No.

-Does anyone else in the bus look like they've got a melted face?

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Does anyone here got a melted face?

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-No!

-No, sir!

-No!

-No!

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I'm looking for the owner of a melted face.

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Could you look at the person sitting next to you

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and see if they have a melted face? And, if they do...

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..put up your hand.

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See. The reality is, whoever owns that mask is long gone.

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They probably jumped out the emergency exit along with

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20 other passengers who done the same thing when they seen you

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with a fucking knife.

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Yeah.

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CAR HORN BEEPS

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Ah, shit!

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SCREAMING

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Fuck!

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PHONE RINGS

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Gimme that.

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You have a Guardi's number on your phone?

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Erm... He's kind of seeing me mam.

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Your mam is riding a Guardi?

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Fuck, no! They're too old for that.

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They just watch telly together.

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-HIGH-PITCHED VOICE:

-Hello?

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Is anyone hurt?

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No. Everybody's OK. There's just been a bit of misunderstanding,

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that's all. Thank you very much!

0:12:180:12:20

Is that Billy Murphy?

0:12:200:12:22

Who?

0:12:230:12:24

Billy Murphy? Who's he?

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Look, Billy, what do you want?

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How can we get everyone safely off the bus?

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I don't want anything.

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Why, we're all just going on a nice trip together, OK?

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Thank you.

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Fuck!

0:12:400:12:42

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

0:12:420:12:43

BELL RINGS IN TIME WITH HIS SWEARING

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I see you're pulling in. Are you giving yourself up?

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Fuck! Fuck! What are you doing?!

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Someone's ringing the bell.

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Who's ringing the bell?!

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Could people stop ringing the fucking bell?!

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Thank you!

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Get out of my fucking way.

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-Drive, drive, drive!

-Where to?

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I don't care! Just keep fucking going!

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Ah, for fuck's sake!

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It wasn't even full!

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SIRENS BLARE

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-TV REPORTER:

-Breaking news.

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The number 208 bus has been highjacked just past the roundabout

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on the way out of Cork City.

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We will bring you more as the story unfolds.

0:13:300:13:33

What's your plan, Billy?

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I don't know. I've never done this before.

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Well, you need to start negotiating. That's what they do in the films.

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If you don't, they'll try to take you out with snipers.

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What?

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PHONE RINGS

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-Pick up and tell him what you want.

-OK.

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-LOW-PITCHED VOICE:

-Hello?

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Billy, I'm unarmed. Would it be OK for me to get on the bus

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just to see if everyone's OK?

0:14:160:14:18

No. Billy isn't here.

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And if you start doing that...

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I'LL START THROWING DEAD BODIES OFF THE FUCKING BUS, YOU CUNT!

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PANICKED SCREAMING

0:14:260:14:30

How was that? Was that OK, was it?

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What the fuck are you doing?

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You told me to negotiate.

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I meant, like, ask for a pizza or something.

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That's not a bad idea. I'm actually starving.

0:14:400:14:43

-Pizza sounds good, yeah.

-Delicious.

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I was only messing about the dead bodies.

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Look, I'll put the knife away if it makes you more comfortable.

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HE WINCES

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Look, if I order some pizzas, will you all have some?

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You don't have to have it now if you're not hungry.

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You can bring it home for your supper.

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It's going to be free!

0:15:120:15:14

ALL SPEAK AT ONCE

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I'll have a 16" pepperoni, and a carton of wedges.

0:15:160:15:19

-Would you like anything to drink?

-Bottle of Coke.

0:15:190:15:22

Will I get pepperoni for everyone, or do we have any vegetarians?

0:15:220:15:26

There's always one!

0:15:280:15:30

So one vegetarian, a rakeload of wedges,

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ten Cokes, and ten Club Orange?

0:15:330:15:36

Can I have a Tanora?

0:15:360:15:38

Sure.

0:15:380:15:39

And I'll have a bottle of milk.

0:15:390:15:42

Is everybody OK with that now?

0:15:420:15:44

-Yeah, yeah.

-Thanks!

0:15:440:15:46

Thanks, Billy.

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Sh! Don't say me name!

0:15:470:15:49

Shit! Sorry, Billy.

0:15:490:15:51

-DEEP VOICE:

-Have you got a pen?

0:15:520:15:54

The hijacker has put in his first set of demands -

0:15:540:15:57

a large quantity of refreshments and a bottle of milk.

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This may mean there is an infant on board.

0:16:000:16:03

Thank Christ they're OK.

0:16:100:16:11

If I'm feeling like this out here,

0:16:130:16:14

I can't imagine how terrifying it must be for them on that bus.

0:16:140:16:18

Alcopops, anyone?

0:16:180:16:20

ALL CHEER

0:16:200:16:22

Do you get to wear tracksuits in the prison?

0:16:260:16:28

Yeah, you can kind of wear what you want.

0:16:280:16:31

That one's open a bit. There you go.

0:16:310:16:33

You should tell him.

0:16:400:16:42

Here? On the bus?

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It's too fucking weird.

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You're both 15.

0:16:470:16:48

It's going to be fucking weird no matter where you tell him.

0:16:480:16:51

Two seconds, actually. I think Siobhan might have some hash.

0:16:520:16:55

Do you have some of that hash? I'd love a smoke.

0:16:580:17:01

Did somebody say hash?

0:17:010:17:03

I don't have hash.

0:17:030:17:05

Why would you say she has hash if she don't have hash?

0:17:050:17:08

-I thought she had hash.

-Why'd you think I have hash?

0:17:080:17:11

You said you had big news.

0:17:110:17:12

Hash isn't big news, it's fucking tiny compared to other stuff.

0:17:120:17:17

If hash is tiny news, your news must be massive!

0:17:170:17:19

Come on, what is it?

0:17:190:17:21

I'm not telling you now.

0:17:210:17:22

BILLY GASPS

0:17:220:17:23

Have you got coke? That would be big news!

0:17:230:17:25

I don't have hash, and I don't have coke.

0:17:250:17:27

-Well, what HAVE you got?

-Just drop it!

0:17:270:17:29

"Drop it"?

0:17:290:17:31

Like pills? Have you got pills?

0:17:310:17:33

-No!

-Well, what HAVE you got?

0:17:330:17:36

Will you stop being so secretive and fucking tell him, will ya?

0:17:360:17:38

I'm fucking pregnant, all right?!

0:17:380:17:40

Holy shit!

0:17:460:17:48

Congratulations! Oh, you're going to be a great dad!

0:17:500:17:54

Congratulations!

0:17:540:17:55

ALL CHEER

0:17:550:17:58

Whoo!

0:17:580:17:59

Well, that's brilliant, guys. I'm really happy for you.

0:18:030:18:06

Say something.

0:18:230:18:25

How did it happen?

0:18:270:18:29

You put your dick in my fanny. How do you think?

0:18:290:18:32

I know that, but I've done that shitloads before

0:18:320:18:34

and no-one's ever got pregnant.

0:18:340:18:36

That's nice to know.

0:18:360:18:38

It was all before I met you.

0:18:390:18:40

This is a good thing.

0:18:450:18:47

I think.

0:18:470:18:48

Isn't it?

0:18:500:18:52

Yeah!

0:18:520:18:53

Yeah!

0:18:550:18:56

Raspberry or strawberry, love?

0:18:580:19:00

What the fuck are you doing? She's pregnant!

0:19:000:19:03

Sorry!

0:19:030:19:05

Jeez, she's allowed the one.

0:19:050:19:06

-Mam's going to kill him.

-Dad's going to kill HER.

0:19:240:19:27

Er, two seconds there...

0:19:340:19:36

-Ah, fuck.

-What the fuck is wrong with you?

0:19:360:19:39

Nothing.

0:19:390:19:41

Is there something wrong with me, so? Is that what it is?

0:19:410:19:43

No. No, no.

0:19:430:19:45

You're perfect.

0:19:460:19:47

Then why won't you get with me, so?

0:19:480:19:50

Look, it's just I...

0:19:510:19:53

I feel like you're expecting this kiss to be something special,

0:19:550:19:58

and I'm pretty sure I'm going to fuck it up.

0:19:580:20:01

Then why don't we just do that?

0:20:040:20:05

Do what?

0:20:070:20:08

Fuck it up.

0:20:080:20:10

What do you mean?

0:20:110:20:13

We both shift horribly, as horribly as we possibly can.

0:20:130:20:16

That way, every time we shift after that, it'll seem good.

0:20:160:20:20

That's actually a great idea.

0:20:200:20:22

All right, will you be using tongue?

0:20:220:20:23

Tongue, teeth, everything. It's going to be awful!

0:20:230:20:25

OK!

0:20:250:20:27

HE HOCKS UP PHLEGM

0:20:270:20:29

That's disgusting!

0:20:290:20:31

You said awful.

0:20:310:20:33

Fair enough.

0:20:330:20:35

SHE HOCKS UP PHLEGM

0:20:350:20:37

HE HOCKS UP PHLEGM

0:20:370:20:40

SHE HOCKS UP PHLEGM

0:20:400:20:43

-MUFFLED:

-Ready?

0:20:430:20:45

HE MOUTHS SILENTLY

0:21:020:21:04

This hijacking's taking forever.

0:21:390:21:41

Will we sing a song to pass the time?

0:21:410:21:43

Sorry there, does anyone know any sing-songs?

0:21:460:21:50

-I'd say Conor does.

-Oh, does he?

0:21:520:21:54

Do you know anything, fella?

0:21:540:21:55

He loves that fella Westlife.

0:21:550:21:57

-You like a bit of Westlife?

-I do, I do, I do!

0:21:570:21:59

I have one.

0:22:010:22:02

Oh, OK, Billy.

0:22:050:22:07

You should all know this one. Feel free to join in.

0:22:090:22:11

HE CLEARS THROAT

0:22:140:22:16

# Do de do, do de do Do de do, do de do...

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TUNE: After All, By The Frank And Walters

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Come on!

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# Do de do, do de do Do de do, do de do

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# Do de do, do de do, do de do Da da da da da da da

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# After all, I really love you

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# Do de do, do de do Do de do, do de do

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# After all that we've been through

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# Do de do, do de do, do de do aaah

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# I know that we fight, and our love gets pushed to the side

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# Aaah

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# Still it ends all right

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# After all, I really need you... #

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Is that singing?

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# I don't know how I'd live without you... #

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I think so, yeah.

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# Aaaaah #

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# The days, they go by, and you're always there on my side... #

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# Aaaaah #

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# Girl, I'm glad you're mine

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# There are times I get distracted, girl

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# By the ways and workings of this world

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# Yet I think of you as my life's shrine

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# And I'm glad that I'm yours and you're mine

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# Bah bah bah Badaba bah bah bah badaba

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# Bah bah bah Badaba bah bah bah badaba

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# Bah bah bah Badaba bah bah bah badaba

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# Bah bah bah Badaba bah bah bah badaba

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# Bah bah bah Badaba bah bah bah badaba

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# Bah bah bah Badaba bah bah bah badaba

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# That I'm yours and you're mine. #

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ALL CHEER

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Does anybody need to go toilet?

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Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on!

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The number 8 bus is heading towards the Cork-Waterford border.

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It's only a matter of time before this hijacker runs out of road.

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Come on, we need to get ahead of the bus.

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-Can we go down...?

-No. OK.

-No.

-This way.

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I feel sorry for him.

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You feel sorry for Billy?

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I'm not saying he's an angel, but after this

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he'll probably get life imprisonment for just being stupid.

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Round the tree...

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..and into the hole.

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For fuck's sake!

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Look up ahead!

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GASPS AND MURMURS

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BILLY BREATHES HEAVILY

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Drive around them!

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I can't, there's no room.

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Then reverse!

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We're blocked both ways.

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The hijacked bus has now hit a Gardai blockade

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just on the far side of the Cork-Waterford border.

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There are no known casualties at this time.

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PHONE RINGS

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Billy, you've reached your stop. It's time to get off the bus.

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-HIGH VOICE:

-I have a return ticket, thank you very much.

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What am I going to do?

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There's only two options, really.

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What are they?

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Option one - give yourself up and go to prison.

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Fuck that, I'd rather die than go back there.

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What's option two?

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Die.

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What's option one again?

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Not die.

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We'll all tell them you were a nice kidnapper.

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MURMURS OF AGREEMENT

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Thanks very much, I appreciate that.

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Do you know what?

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I really enjoyed today.

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I'll see you all in about 15 to 20 years' time, yeah?

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Take care, Billy.

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See you, Billy.

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Mind yourself.

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All the best, Billy.

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Tell your mam I was asking for her.

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Fuck it.

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I think I have a third option,

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but I'm going to need everyone's help. Are you up for it?

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-Yeah, yeah.

-Yeah, all right.

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Billy!

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PHONE RINGS

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-DEEP VOICE:

-Can you hear me?

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We hear you, Billy.

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I'm going to throw out my knife, and then, if you put down your guns,

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I'll come out with my hands up. OK? No shooting, now, you promise?

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OK, we promise.

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I'm Billy Murphy!

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No, I'm Billy Murphy!

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No, I'm Billy Murphy!

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I'm Billy Murphy!

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I'm Billy Murphy!

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Are you sure you saw Billy Murphy on that bus,

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or could it have been someone else in a mask?

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I'm not going crazy, OK? I saw him here.

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-So where is he, so?

-I don't know.

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I'm Billy Murphy.

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I think even nutjobs like Billy Murphy have reasons

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for being the way they are.

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I'm not saying all the nasty shit he does is OK,

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but you have to wonder...

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..if someone loved him just a little bit when he was a kid,

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would he have turned out different?

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I'm so happy you're OK. I'm never going to fight with you again.

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Huh. Let's see how long that lasts.

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-MAIREAD:

-She's pregnant?! You fucking idiot!

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MAIREAD SCREAMS

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Behind me, a mother screams for joy with the safe return of her son.

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How does it feel to have your boys back safe?

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Just wonderful.

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And she just found out she's going to be a granny, too.

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You're not my son. I didn't adopt you.

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Stop the car!

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Linda!

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Oh, for fuck's sake!

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Emotions are running high here after such a traumatic experience.

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There goes another!

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MUSIC: After All by The Frank And Walters

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Facing a dilemma, Siobhan makes a plan with Linda to meet the lads on a bus. An unexpected intervention by local bully Billy Murphy leads to an accidental wild bus ride around Cork, ultimately bringing everyone closer together.