Episode 1 Tracey Breaks the News

How did you manage that?

I am and

sang all the calls myself.

Wombat be

time-consuming?

Theresa May

speaking. Or they have gone. Not

really. Hello, you're speaking to

Theresa May. Gone again.

Sorry, sorry, sorry. Everything is

an hour ahead. We should make that

one of our key Brexit demands.

Bridger clocks right! David Davis

sends his apologies, he got on the

wrong Eurostar and end up in

Disneyland Paris so he thought he

would try the ratatouille ride while

we still have freedom of movement.

The meeting started 11:17am.

Fire

away, Toth negotiating head-on. Do

you have our notes?

Can we settle

this so-called divorce bill?

I would

love to but we an because if we give

you any money the British press will

crucify us.

Meeting concluded

11:19am.

Can we not settle on

something else?

Something we can

give the Daily Mail?

We have had

some thoughts. Will you let us

change the name of pride among shady

something in English?

We should have

a translation by 2020.

I don't see

why not.

Can we keep the Christmas

market with the big German sausage?

Yes but that's not...

Keep the term

menagerie trois because a threesome

sounds CD. -- CD. What British

things that you want to keep? Not a

little thing about Blighty would

hate to see go?

There is something

we would like you to take back. All

the stag parties. Those posh twat

from the ski resorts and Christians

got Thomas.

She is bloody annoying.

Progress.

You are people we can do

business with.

But not after Brexit,

obviously.

This week we have asked

you to bake a cake on something you

dream about. What have we got here?

This represents a city being

destroyed by a North Korean nuclear

warhead. The concentric circles and

I said so you how likely you are to

die. Lemon is 40%, Strawberry 50%...

Cat.

We seem to have a tiny problem.

I knew I should not have used

sultanas. I cannot stop thinking

about it, it is in my mind all the

time.

I think everyone is a little

bit scared of dying in a fire but

that is why people watch this

programme, to take their minds off

it. We create an imaginary place

where everything lets try this again

shall we? What do we have here?

This

cake shows and Magic tree.

What are

these circles?

It is where the

fairies dance.

I love these shapes.

Pretty windmills.

It's a delightful

cake and makes me feel very safe.

Tell me about your cake?

My Victoria

sponge shows my hometown after the

ice caps melt.

Or for fucks sake.

President Trump has been involved in

a war of words with a Republican

senator, this is basically the same

story as yesterday, what if I see

him again and you imagine a

childless road and skip the details?

Anyway I cannot see a clock so it's

probably for rush and I was supposed

to be done at midnight. Any sign of

Alistair?

And the winning team is

box quiz.

Oh Jeremy Corbyn. Oh

coconut water. Good evening John.

What are you doing here?

I always

supported the local pub quiz. I won.

Technically I came second but

compared to how I was expected to

do.

I had to look on SnapChat to

find it where you are.

Calm down

comrade, the workers, we can discuss

it here.

Why?

You legend, can I get

a selfie?

Do you want one with me,

John McDonnell?

Better, John?

Hardly, I don't want people hassling

me for a selfie 's all day.

I was

asking if you wanted a pint of

bitter. The chance to hear Jeremy

Corbyn delivering a speech on a

failed system which has exploited

the working population of this

country and which we will bring to

its knees...

# Oh Jeremy Corbyn!

Right, in terms

of the other speakers I thought we

would we like the big guns, Len

McClusky, Paul Mason and me.

I

guess.

Do you have any better ideas?

What about Daniel Radcliffe, he is

fascinating.

Is he not Harry Potter?

We did not discuss his hobbies. Did

I not mention I have booked Stormzy?

I have not agreed for that.

Who

would you go for?

You have changed.

I have not, why are you up in my

grill, I am authentic which is what

people love about me. I am a small

still voice calling out for a fairer

Britain, a Briton in which everyone

is included and now one is ignored.

# Oh Jeremy Corbyn!

Except me.

Come

on John, it's not about you, the

workers...

Sod the workers! Don't

tell me to tone it down.

Let's go

for a curry.

I would like that. The

workers.

The workers. But we will

have to make it another night

because I'm having supper with a

Willy Annan -- with Lily Allen.

Hello, are you black?

Poor?

From the

North?

Preferably all three. We want

to hear from you. We have previously

educated the most already educated

students.

But we don't want to do

that any more.

Well we do but

apparently it looks bad.

If you

think eating is a character from

Hollyoaks.

Picked up an application

form from your local branch of

little.

What is that? This helpfully

ethnic young lady got been with just

three a's and the Nobel Peace Prize.

If you are normally apply today and

tell all your friends.

Steady on, we

only need one or two max.

Great to have all the major studio

heads here so we can agree on this

new Hollywood code of conduct.

A

hotel suite?

What? I have all my

meetings in a hotel suite. Oh,

right. Well we are all

professionals. What are you doing?

Sorry, force of habit.

The way I see

it this isn't going away. If Harvey

can get taken down who is next?

It's

me. I should... Yeah.

What we need

are some rules that all us guys can

sign up to, no physical coercion, no

inappropriate touching.

What about

asking actresses to watch DUP?

That

would be unacceptable.

I should...

We need a big star who confront the

whole campaign, someone who

represents women's rights, I am

thinking Tom Hanks. George Clooney?

Can I interrupt you, if we are

pitching it as an anti-sexual

harassment then maybe we should make

the star woman.

Clever, then we may

have to pay them have as much, who'd

you think, Julianne Moore? She is

too old. What about a younger

Julianne Moore, if she is too old

and nobody will want to sexually

harass her.

We need somebody who has

been to the system, Kelly Stevens.

She was a sexy nuclear scientist in

Superman four. Getting near! Sits

down right there.

Wait, what are we

thinking? We should be on the bed.

Have a seat.

Is this better?

I think

it's worse. You look familiar, did

we date in the 80s?

I should not

call it a date.

I should go...

What

do you say, can you help us put this

business behind us and get back to

normal?

I have been in Hollywood for

over 30 years and I have been

propositioned, pressurised and

groped by more middle-aged men in

positions of power at the new have

had Surrey eat was and now you are

asking the to help those exact same

men save their own disgusting sweaty

skin and pretend it was all water

under the bridge? Normal? Are you

out of your mind? Equally I am a

Hollywood actress in her mid-50s and

it's the best offer I've had in over

two decades so kind me in.

Great, I

probably shouldn't touch you, in

fact being alone with you any hotel

room is not the best idea with my

reputation!

International news,

after the world health organisation

named Robert Gaby a goodwill

ambassador... The Robert Mugabe? A

goodwill ambassador? They will have

to revoke that. Oh, they have, good,

because I have read out stuff about

him before and short version am not

a great guy.

Very good. The white

faced cool look for Halloween.

I am

not dressed up yet. You would look

like this if you had just come from

a Brexit meeting. Half of the

Cabinet want no deal and a hard

Brexit and the other half want and

no deal because they think it.

Brexit but for some reason I have to

keep saying we are hoping for a

deal.

It will be fine you are the

best Prime Minister we have

currently got.

Thank you I think.

I

have put £50 on complete economic

meltdown by 2019 so we are quids in

either way.

Will we be those

frightening things at the Halloween

party, you know, people? It's

probably for the best because I can

practice my Brussels smile.

Yes,

very spooky. Go and get your costume

on. Is it a free bar tonight?

Who

knows? Philip Hammond would agree to

pay for anything until the last

possible moment.

Red riding hood?

I

am from the handmaid 's tale. A

woman who serves a purpose for a

group of heartless men but could be

cast out and executed at any moment.

It's a girl box set rather than a

boy box set.

I will drink your

blood!

You will give me nightmares

like that time at the Tory

conference and I'm losing my voice

and the letters fall of the wall.

No, that happens. Let's go bobbing

for apples before the Bloodgate 30%

tariff on them.

I like wearing this,

I cannot see people not wanting to

talk to me. It's Donald Trump!

No,

it's just a fat pumpkin. He is

visiting next year, he will be a

problem for Boris Johnson or David

Davis, somebody...

Court of Appeal

in session, case number 314, the

Mayor of London and Transport for

London versus Uber. Miss Parker I

believe you are ripped into Uber?

That's correct.

Present your first

witness.

My first witness is Hassan

in a silver previous who will be in

a year in four minutes. Seven

minutes. Eight. He's given up. It

will now be Alexey in a black

Renault in three minutes. He's gone

to surge pricing, cancel. Locating.

Locating.

Ms Parker?

One minute

away, at the end of the road. What

are you doing? Why are you spinning?

He's gone. The case rests.

Well, can we hear from the major?

He's in a black cab and it won't go

south of the river!

Any joy?

It's me, Brigitte... How are you,

petit President.

I am so frustrated

with France. You can't get anything

done here. I had a meeting the

unions, three hours was lunch. The

other hour they were on strike. They

are so... They are so, they are

so...

French!

All I want to do is

crush the unions and take away

workers' rights. Why do people have

a problem with that?

You must be

careful, you'll make yourself

unpopular.

Mrs Thatcher did it and

everybody loved her.

You don't

really remember the '80s, do you.

Changement is slow in France.

Remember how long it took snow white

to shave her arm pits.

I want it to

be Daft Punk. Not Serge... You are

not old.

I did not mean me! I mean

this...

1994 school year book. It is

when we met. You look exactly the

same. There I am. What a dweebe.

Most likely to become President

before 40. And married the drama

teacher.

MUSIC

FRENCH MUSIC

You knew. I knew. I didn't care! All

I could think about was how I could

mare marry you and be the father to

your trois Enfants.

Can you see the

past would be wonderful. If France

was a truly modern country, there

would be rules to say you could not

marry your teacher. I would be in

prison.

Perhaps the old French ways

are not so bad. You can stink of

gallois and still people think you

are sophisticated.

Let us go to a

three star restaurant.

You are the

most beautiful woman alive.

Oh, my

hip! Oh La-la!

The time is coming up to some

godforsaken time of the morning. Ing

cat ta lone ya is going to leave

Spain. It is like when blokes have

affairs, they say they will leave

their wives, but they never do!

Don't do it Nicola. It is only 21

seats. We will win them back.

I'm

not going in. It is them over there.

Northern Ireland. The DUP...

Why

would they be doing that?

They have

stolen our thunder. And our funding.

Before the last general election we

were proud to be the most overfunded

place of the UK.

The only place in

the UK with free hospital parking.

Now they have got their Tory

billions. They will go up to the

royal Victoria in Belfast, there all

doing, doing a big shop. Have to

find a way to put Scotland back on

top of the pile.

How can we do that

when we've lost a third of our seats

Shut up! I don't need reminding of

that!

Perhaps you're right.

Maybe

the time has come for a consolidated

power base.

A coalition with the

Scottish Tories!

We'll have to find

another canny plan to get us back on

the gravy train. Two Highland whips,

please. We need something Scottish

that the English like they want more

of. Then we'll be Top of the Pops

again. Hogmanay. Everybody likes

Hogmanay. Scotland owns New Year's

Eve. The

If only Hogmanay could be

every day.

We'll call it "Operation

groundhog." The fellas and tell them

to fix it so when the New Year comes

it never stops chiming.

Hang on.

What about that Jools Holland. The

people will be trapped in the studio

listening to music forever.

No way.

They record that show in August!

# She's going to break the news...

I need a present...

It's for the new

grand sprog.

What about a hat?

They

are not crowny enough.

Or some

booties?

They're good. I'll take two

dozen for the dogs.

What about a

teething ring?

What is a teething

ring.

When babies are born they

don't have teeth.

They don't have

teeth!

Or you could get a play gym

which is a good way to get exercise

when they don't walk.

They don't

walk and don't have teeth, what is

the point of them. What's this?

That's not really suitable for

newborns. It is a boat that has

little aeroplanes.

An aircraft

carrier. Oh... The light out.

The

baby?

No, the baby. Rev it up and

have it sent to Highgrove.

You have

to pay.

Oh you are funny!

Can't see... Breaking news...

Something about China. Something

about the President... Wish they'd

enlarge the font, or something! Hang

on!

He's strengthened his grip on power

in a surprisingly authoritarian

move. Is that surprising in China?

I'm not surprised. Are you?

Oh!

Sorry!

Well, the results

Let's see what the public make of

him then!

I told you not to do that!

People were asked if they viewed

Vince Cable very favourably,

somewhat favourably, somewhat

unfavourably or the one even has

ticked. Comments included don't they

have anyone new. All he did was help

the Tory. Didn't he die in season

six of Game of Thrones.

It's so hard

to win from the centre these days.

Emmanuel Macron become President of

France.

Well there is him. Yeah.

We

may need a way to turn that into

that.

That into that?

Yes. That there into

that there.

I mean, what's he got that he

hasn't?

The wife. The wife thing.

Of

course. Bridgitte Macron,

sensational at 64.

The public love

the age gap. They think it means

love.

We need Vince Cable to get

together with a lady 24 years older.

She'd be 98. Tina, visit some old

people's homes. Only the cool ones.

Tell them he's on the market.

I like

it - install some Cable today.

Maybe

the first one.

Slip some Cable into

your box.

Look on guardian

solemates, see who is out there.

This is good - Katie, 98 loves music

and movies. Pro-remain. A gap year

in Sri Lanka.

When it says 98, that

was the year she was

Alexis, turn the music down! Trueing

the new teenage edition for when

your kids have moved from home and

you're missing the darlings.

Come on

buy milk.

You do it.

Buy more.

Can I

have £50!

Open curtains.

I'll do it

later.

Turn off lights.

Are you like

going through the menopause or

something! ?

The new Alexis teenage

edition. The perfect gadget for

every empty-nester.

Alexis...

Alexis... Alexis...

What?

I've told

you to leave your door open when

Siri is around.

Do you love me too?

I'm sorry, I don't understand the

question.

Reminds you why you were happy to

see them go in the first place.

What's the weather.

Stop shouting.

I'm not shouting. You're shouting.

No, I'm not. I hate you!

Need to talk about a delicate matter

to do with your image.

They are not

discontinuing this lipstick.

No! It

is the nation's favourite. It is

something to do with you personally.

Something you started doing when you

were courting. There... You just did

it then.

What?

Don't be like that!

No, I'm being you.

You roll the eyes

when people test your patience. You

did it to Putin and the Trumps. I do

not roll my eyes.

I am afraid you do!

Oh, my God! I'm rolling the eyes.

And I always thought I had such a

serene and beautiful poker face at

the summits. I'm afraid not! Jo now

they will know what I'm thinking.

Don't worry. We will train you. I

will take you through every day

situations. All you must do is not

roll the eyes. The phone rings. You

pick it up. You hear a teenage boy,

you realise it is Theresa May... Try

harder! You're Chancellor! All

right... Try Trump... My father's

record on women's rights is very

good. As an entrepreneur and creator

he is a force for gender equality.

Well done! That's OK!

Enough with the nursery slopes! Do

Donald.

You have disturbed me folks. So

good, it was a home run. Beautiful

words. They were beautiful words.

But the fake media... Germany owes

us money. Yes, they do! They owe us

big!

Oh, my Chancellor-erret - are you OK

My powerful eye muscles flipped my

entire body.

PHONE RINGS

Hello. It's Boris Johnson. It's OK.

That one you're allowed.

Hello!