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How did you manage that?
I am and
sang all the calls myself.
speaking. Or they have gone. Not
really. Hello, you're speaking to
Theresa May. Gone again.
Sorry, sorry, sorry. Everything is
an hour ahead. We should make that
one of our key Brexit demands.
Bridger clocks right! David Davis
sends his apologies, he got on the
wrong Eurostar and end up in
Disneyland Paris so he thought he
would try the ratatouille ride while
we still have freedom of movement.
The meeting started 11:17am.
away, Toth negotiating head-on. Do
you have our notes?
Can we settle
this so-called divorce bill?
love to but we an because if we give
you any money the British press will
Can we not settle on
Something we can
give the Daily Mail?
We have had
some thoughts. Will you let us
change the name of pride among shady
something in English?
We should have
a translation by 2020.
I don't see
Can we keep the Christmas
market with the big German sausage?
Yes but that's not...
Keep the term
menagerie trois because a threesome
sounds CD. -- CD. What British
things that you want to keep? Not a
little thing about Blighty would
hate to see go?
There is something
we would like you to take back. All
the stag parties. Those posh twat
from the ski resorts and Christians
She is bloody annoying.
You are people we can do
But not after Brexit,
This week we have asked
you to bake a cake on something you
dream about. What have we got here?
This represents a city being
destroyed by a North Korean nuclear
warhead. The concentric circles and
I said so you how likely you are to
die. Lemon is 40%, Strawberry 50%...
We seem to have a tiny problem.
I knew I should not have used
sultanas. I cannot stop thinking
about it, it is in my mind all the
I think everyone is a little
bit scared of dying in a fire but
that is why people watch this
programme, to take their minds off
it. We create an imaginary place
where everything lets try this again
shall we? What do we have here?
cake shows and Magic tree.
It is where the
I love these shapes.
It's a delightful
cake and makes me feel very safe.
Tell me about your cake?
sponge shows my hometown after the
ice caps melt.
Or for fucks sake.
President Trump has been involved in
a war of words with a Republican
senator, this is basically the same
story as yesterday, what if I see
him again and you imagine a
childless road and skip the details?
Anyway I cannot see a clock so it's
probably for rush and I was supposed
to be done at midnight. Any sign of
And the winning team is
Oh Jeremy Corbyn. Oh
coconut water. Good evening John.
What are you doing here?
supported the local pub quiz. I won.
Technically I came second but
compared to how I was expected to
I had to look on SnapChat to
find it where you are.
comrade, the workers, we can discuss
You legend, can I get
Do you want one with me,
Hardly, I don't want people hassling
me for a selfie 's all day.
asking if you wanted a pint of
bitter. The chance to hear Jeremy
Corbyn delivering a speech on a
failed system which has exploited
the working population of this
country and which we will bring to
# Oh Jeremy Corbyn!
Right, in terms
of the other speakers I thought we
would we like the big guns, Len
McClusky, Paul Mason and me.
Do you have any better ideas?
What about Daniel Radcliffe, he is
Is he not Harry Potter?
We did not discuss his hobbies. Did
I not mention I have booked Stormzy?
I have not agreed for that.
would you go for?
You have changed.
I have not, why are you up in my
grill, I am authentic which is what
people love about me. I am a small
still voice calling out for a fairer
Britain, a Briton in which everyone
is included and now one is ignored.
# Oh Jeremy Corbyn!
on John, it's not about you, the
Sod the workers! Don't
tell me to tone it down.
for a curry.
I would like that. The
The workers. But we will
have to make it another night
because I'm having supper with a
Willy Annan -- with Lily Allen.
Hello, are you black?
Preferably all three. We want
to hear from you. We have previously
educated the most already educated
But we don't want to do
that any more.
Well we do but
apparently it looks bad.
think eating is a character from
Picked up an application
form from your local branch of
What is that? This helpfully
ethnic young lady got been with just
three a's and the Nobel Peace Prize.
If you are normally apply today and
tell all your friends.
Steady on, we
only need one or two max.
Great to have all the major studio
heads here so we can agree on this
new Hollywood code of conduct.
What? I have all my
meetings in a hotel suite. Oh,
right. Well we are all
professionals. What are you doing?
Sorry, force of habit.
The way I see
it this isn't going away. If Harvey
can get taken down who is next?
me. I should... Yeah.
What we need
are some rules that all us guys can
sign up to, no physical coercion, no
asking actresses to watch DUP?
would be unacceptable.
We need a big star who confront the
whole campaign, someone who
represents women's rights, I am
thinking Tom Hanks. George Clooney?
Can I interrupt you, if we are
pitching it as an anti-sexual
harassment then maybe we should make
the star woman.
Clever, then we may
have to pay them have as much, who'd
you think, Julianne Moore? She is
too old. What about a younger
Julianne Moore, if she is too old
and nobody will want to sexually
We need somebody who has
been to the system, Kelly Stevens.
She was a sexy nuclear scientist in
Superman four. Getting near! Sits
down right there.
Wait, what are we
thinking? We should be on the bed.
Have a seat.
Is this better?
it's worse. You look familiar, did
we date in the 80s?
I should not
call it a date.
I should go...
do you say, can you help us put this
business behind us and get back to
I have been in Hollywood for
over 30 years and I have been
propositioned, pressurised and
groped by more middle-aged men in
positions of power at the new have
had Surrey eat was and now you are
asking the to help those exact same
men save their own disgusting sweaty
skin and pretend it was all water
under the bridge? Normal? Are you
out of your mind? Equally I am a
Hollywood actress in her mid-50s and
it's the best offer I've had in over
two decades so kind me in.
probably shouldn't touch you, in
fact being alone with you any hotel
room is not the best idea with my
after the world health organisation
named Robert Gaby a goodwill
ambassador... The Robert Mugabe? A
goodwill ambassador? They will have
to revoke that. Oh, they have, good,
because I have read out stuff about
him before and short version am not
a great guy.
Very good. The white
faced cool look for Halloween.
not dressed up yet. You would look
like this if you had just come from
a Brexit meeting. Half of the
Cabinet want no deal and a hard
Brexit and the other half want and
no deal because they think it.
Brexit but for some reason I have to
keep saying we are hoping for a
It will be fine you are the
best Prime Minister we have
Thank you I think.
have put £50 on complete economic
meltdown by 2019 so we are quids in
Will we be those
frightening things at the Halloween
party, you know, people? It's
probably for the best because I can
practice my Brussels smile.
very spooky. Go and get your costume
on. Is it a free bar tonight?
knows? Philip Hammond would agree to
pay for anything until the last
Red riding hood?
am from the handmaid 's tale. A
woman who serves a purpose for a
group of heartless men but could be
cast out and executed at any moment.
It's a girl box set rather than a
boy box set.
I will drink your
You will give me nightmares
like that time at the Tory
conference and I'm losing my voice
and the letters fall of the wall.
No, that happens. Let's go bobbing
for apples before the Bloodgate 30%
tariff on them.
I like wearing this,
I cannot see people not wanting to
talk to me. It's Donald Trump!
it's just a fat pumpkin. He is
visiting next year, he will be a
problem for Boris Johnson or David
Court of Appeal
in session, case number 314, the
Mayor of London and Transport for
London versus Uber. Miss Parker I
believe you are ripped into Uber?
Present your first
My first witness is Hassan
in a silver previous who will be in
a year in four minutes. Seven
minutes. Eight. He's given up. It
will now be Alexey in a black
Renault in three minutes. He's gone
to surge pricing, cancel. Locating.
away, at the end of the road. What
are you doing? Why are you spinning?
He's gone. The case rests.
Well, can we hear from the major?
He's in a black cab and it won't go
south of the river!
It's me, Brigitte... How are you,
I am so frustrated
with France. You can't get anything
done here. I had a meeting the
unions, three hours was lunch. The
other hour they were on strike. They
are so... They are so, they are
All I want to do is
crush the unions and take away
workers' rights. Why do people have
a problem with that?
You must be
careful, you'll make yourself
Mrs Thatcher did it and
everybody loved her.
really remember the '80s, do you.
Changement is slow in France.
Remember how long it took snow white
to shave her arm pits.
I want it to
be Daft Punk. Not Serge... You are
I did not mean me! I mean
1994 school year book. It is
when we met. You look exactly the
same. There I am. What a dweebe.
Most likely to become President
before 40. And married the drama
You knew. I knew. I didn't care! All
I could think about was how I could
mare marry you and be the father to
your trois Enfants.
Can you see the
past would be wonderful. If France
was a truly modern country, there
would be rules to say you could not
marry your teacher. I would be in
Perhaps the old French ways
are not so bad. You can stink of
gallois and still people think you
Let us go to a
three star restaurant.
You are the
most beautiful woman alive.
hip! Oh La-la!
The time is coming up to some
godforsaken time of the morning. Ing
cat ta lone ya is going to leave
Spain. It is like when blokes have
affairs, they say they will leave
their wives, but they never do!
Don't do it Nicola. It is only 21
seats. We will win them back.
not going in. It is them over there.
Northern Ireland. The DUP...
would they be doing that?
stolen our thunder. And our funding.
Before the last general election we
were proud to be the most overfunded
place of the UK.
The only place in
the UK with free hospital parking.
Now they have got their Tory
billions. They will go up to the
royal Victoria in Belfast, there all
doing, doing a big shop. Have to
find a way to put Scotland back on
top of the pile.
How can we do that
when we've lost a third of our seats
Shut up! I don't need reminding of
Perhaps you're right.
the time has come for a consolidated
A coalition with the
We'll have to find
another canny plan to get us back on
the gravy train. Two Highland whips,
please. We need something Scottish
that the English like they want more
of. Then we'll be Top of the Pops
again. Hogmanay. Everybody likes
Hogmanay. Scotland owns New Year's
If only Hogmanay could be
We'll call it "Operation
groundhog." The fellas and tell them
to fix it so when the New Year comes
it never stops chiming.
What about that Jools Holland. The
people will be trapped in the studio
listening to music forever.
They record that show in August!
# She's going to break the news...
I need a present...
It's for the new
What about a hat?
are not crowny enough.
They're good. I'll take two
dozen for the dogs.
What about a
What is a teething
When babies are born they
don't have teeth.
They don't have
Or you could get a play gym
which is a good way to get exercise
when they don't walk.
walk and don't have teeth, what is
the point of them. What's this?
That's not really suitable for
newborns. It is a boat that has
carrier. Oh... The light out.
No, the baby. Rev it up and
have it sent to Highgrove.
Oh you are funny!
Can't see... Breaking news...
Something about China. Something
about the President... Wish they'd
enlarge the font, or something! Hang
He's strengthened his grip on power
in a surprisingly authoritarian
move. Is that surprising in China?
I'm not surprised. Are you?
Well, the results
Let's see what the public make of
I told you not to do that!
People were asked if they viewed
Vince Cable very favourably,
somewhat favourably, somewhat
unfavourably or the one even has
ticked. Comments included don't they
have anyone new. All he did was help
the Tory. Didn't he die in season
six of Game of Thrones.
It's so hard
to win from the centre these days.
Emmanuel Macron become President of
Well there is him. Yeah.
may need a way to turn that into
That into that?
Yes. That there into
I mean, what's he got that he
The wife. The wife thing.
course. Bridgitte Macron,
sensational at 64.
The public love
the age gap. They think it means
We need Vince Cable to get
together with a lady 24 years older.
She'd be 98. Tina, visit some old
people's homes. Only the cool ones.
Tell them he's on the market.
it - install some Cable today.
the first one.
Slip some Cable into
Look on guardian
solemates, see who is out there.
This is good - Katie, 98 loves music
and movies. Pro-remain. A gap year
in Sri Lanka.
When it says 98, that
was the year she was
Alexis, turn the music down! Trueing
the new teenage edition for when
your kids have moved from home and
you're missing the darlings.
You do it.
I'll do it
Turn off lights.
Are you like
going through the menopause or
The new Alexis teenage
edition. The perfect gadget for
you to leave your door open when
Siri is around.
Do you love me too?
I'm sorry, I don't understand the
Reminds you why you were happy to
see them go in the first place.
What's the weather.
I'm not shouting. You're shouting.
No, I'm not. I hate you!
Need to talk about a delicate matter
to do with your image.
They are not
discontinuing this lipstick.
is the nation's favourite. It is
something to do with you personally.
Something you started doing when you
were courting. There... You just did
Don't be like that!
No, I'm being you.
You roll the eyes
when people test your patience. You
did it to Putin and the Trumps. I do
not roll my eyes.
I am afraid you do!
Oh, my God! I'm rolling the eyes.
And I always thought I had such a
serene and beautiful poker face at
the summits. I'm afraid not! Jo now
they will know what I'm thinking.
Don't worry. We will train you. I
will take you through every day
situations. All you must do is not
roll the eyes. The phone rings. You
pick it up. You hear a teenage boy,
you realise it is Theresa May... Try
harder! You're Chancellor! All
right... Try Trump... My father's
record on women's rights is very
good. As an entrepreneur and creator
he is a force for gender equality.
Well done! That's OK!
Enough with the nursery slopes! Do
You have disturbed me folks. So
good, it was a home run. Beautiful
words. They were beautiful words.
But the fake media... Germany owes
us money. Yes, they do! They owe us
Oh, my Chancellor-erret - are you OK
My powerful eye muscles flipped my
Hello. It's Boris Johnson. It's OK.
That one you're allowed.