Episode 2 Tracey Breaks the News

This week in a very special edition

of Gogglebox we head to Islington

and the home of later on leader,

Jeremy Corbyn.

What is this show called?

Tracy

Breaks The News.

Who's that old bloke meant to be?

What kind of an oh, was that, dear?

I have to organise Nuys the

Conservative Christmas party. Steep

Christmas is mere before we know it,

we are not prepared. It is Brexit

with tinsel! I have to keep the

party happy, they have worked jolly

hard.

It has to be safe for all of the

guests. No set pest stuff. Phillip,

I am absolutely determined to tackle

this issue, all of a sudden.

Right

you are, Teflon Tess.

In the invitations we are not

inviting anyone with the words

octopus, wandering or bastard.

Sounds nice. We need alcohol,

perhaps English sparkling wine.

That will stop people drinking too

much.

What about dancing?

Nothing

with physical contact. Not the

locomotive and nobody scrawling on

the floor to Oops Up One Side's

Head.

Boris Johnson will be happy. That is

a plus.

What about the one you don't touch,

you do the arms and jump on the

spot?

The macarana. It is a bit

European.

Well that's out too, then! What?

It's Michael Gove making a joke,

that is in no way funny at all.

Then stop it. And why aren't I on

the group? Just paws I don't have

what's ap, doesn't mean I should not

be included?

No, dear.

Amber Rudd says we should do a

secret Santa.

I can't see anything wrong with

that, as long as you don't bring

certain toys?

What about toys, we

are grown ups?

Do you mean Marks &

Spencer? Never mind.

So a Christmas party, without any

toys or music, I'm worried it is

still too upbeat for the Democratic

Unionist Party.

So, a group on a train. Everyone

thinks this each other has committed

murder. We are very proud of it. The

first film based on the Southern

Rail franchise.

No! We is lots of fake social media

accounts in the West.

Yes?

The

social media companies are shutting

them down.

Why?

For being fake.

It

costs thus thousands.

I've lost my favourite.

We must keep turning the West

against itself or Vladimir Putin

will get sad. And if he gets sad, I

get sad and people go missing.

There must be other ways to

undermine politics in the UK.

For

Jacob Rees-Mogg to become the Prime

Minister and finish the job for us.

OK.

Danny?

Assimilate fake videos on

Facebook?

What is that sound,

boring! I want new ways to undermine

democracy!

Recipe books.

Who needs

recipe books? Vodka and dumplings,

is the only recipe that we need. But

a British person is given a recipe

book every Christmas.

Yes. Infiltrate the publishers, buy

up the printers, the recipes will be

adjusted! That smells lovely.

It's the new Nigella.

Why does it say Nato's shit.

I don't

know, because it?

You are watching

the news. Further allegations of

sexual misconduct emerged, you know,

I kicked a supervisor in the balls

in 2008 instead of accepting his

advances. Perhaps that is why I've

been on this night shift for nine

years.

The time is only 20 minutes since I

last looked. Feels like longer.

Back in Islington, Jeremy Corbyn and

John McDonald are watching Sounds

Like Friday Night.

Met him. Know her. He's a fan.

Is that so?

Reminds me of

Glastonbury. Shall I put my speech

on again.

Can we take a break. I'm starving.

Due few puff?

Lovely.

Actually, I'm OK.

Going rather well, don't you think?

That bit where I explained to you

who Noel fielding was. Classic

Gogglebox.

Sure this is a good idea? We are

meant to be social revolutionaries.

This is TV fluff?

Political MPs have

to come across as normal people.

Inviting the TV cameras into my

crypt is good.

We should be focussing on the real

enemy?

What, Paul Hollywood!

No, the

bloody Tories!

All right, comrade,

let's take it down a notch. The

workers.

I worry about the showbiz stuff. You

don't want to talk about elected

people.

My job is to spread the gospel of

international neo-Marxist

international capitalism. That is

why I appear on Loose Women. The

fact that I have great chemistry

with Stacey Solomon is neither here

nor there.

You have a new image with the beard

and the clothes.

I've had the same clothe for 30

years.

These day you wear them, before they

were just sort of... On you.

We have to get back in there.

Listen, John, I'm still the same old

Jeremy, champion of ordinary working

people. Look at this programme, the

way it documents the neo-liberal

consumerist model, providing workers

with a decent income but forcing

them to demeaning ways to find a few

extra quid.

It's only Bargain Hunt.

I'm using beige on your cheeks to go

with your eyes.

Remind me who I am meeting with.

Oh, the other one...

I know it was

Macron but it is not as if I have

been counting the dares and the

minutes.

I know what you are like around him.

Don't be taken in by his charm.

I know the difference between the

politics and the lady in the bath.

Don't worry, I will be 100%

professional.

Emmanuel...

Angela. Please. Are you

wearing book shelf beige?

You

noticed! Now, on the agenda, we have

to talk about the Brexit fallout.

Let's start with finances. We want

London City jobs to move to Paris.

Paris!

Oh... Then you should have

them, naturally...

Moving on to the

British text sector.

We want those jobs in Germany.

Of course but if someone were to say

that France could have the tech jobs

then that person would be the most

generous as well as the most

attractive leader the world has

known.

Oh, my God, I think that is good,

ja. That should be good you can have

the tech.

I need you for a moment.

I'm busy.

There is a sudden crisis

in the bratwurst industry.

And there are problems on the new

Kraftwerk album.

And your lipstick smudged... How can

you let that happen. You are letting

Macron run circles around you.

I am just waiting before I throw in

the hard demands.

You are the sex bomb. You are the

power.

You are right, what was I thinking?!

You must think me a fool, I am not

taken in by you. We want.0% of the

bank jobs and 80% of the tech jobs.

So, it is like this.

I Yes.

I thought we had something special.

Nein.

How could I think that I could best

you? I have been foolish to

underestimate such an exceptional

woman as I walk the grounds of this

conference centre alone tonight

tonight... Naked from the waist up.

Oiled. Beads of percent operation,

dripping there every part of my

torso.

Oh... You can have the jobs.

OK. We are done. Back to Paris.

Oh, shit.

Sorry, just having a Pop Tart.

Donald Trump's campaign manager has

been charged with a dozen serious

offences related to hiring foreign

payments. And Donald Trump has done

a series of angry tweets. Imagine, I

don't know... But it's a fair guess!

Great news, the hospital air B and B

idea we trialled in Southend has

been not immediately rejected by a

Health Minister.

That bombed in the press. Thought it

was dead in the water.

Apparently not. What is next.

Expand on it?

The Prison Service is

stretched.

. Ask the public to take the strain.

£50 to house a convict.

House a

slasher, earn some cacher!

Maybe

something more friendly. So it

doesn'ts sound like you get

murdered.

And offer training on how

to restrain a violent criminal.

I love it but are police arresting

anymore?

Funny you should say that.

We have been working on an app. Open

it at the moment of assault, swipe

lift if you are stabbed, right for

being mugged.

I prefer the term

arresteroo enforcer.

Fantastic!

Anything else?

Archie...

Why wait for so-called firefighters,

when a blaze can connect you with

bucket holders in your local area.

And you don't have to do anything as

ablaze uses the phone's in-built

censor to detect the heat from your

fire as quickly as... It's melting!

It works better on android.

It is not awful, which is the same

as being brilliant.

We're on fire.

Yes, we are!

No, we are on fire.

Call 999. No need, ablaze has got

this... Right, has anyone got 4G?

She's going to break the news! Giddy

up, filly. Over the hedge. Bump! And

she make it is over again.

She's going to win the gymkhana!

Camilla here. Hello, sexy bum. Not

home for ages.

Phillip is tired. Kate is knocked

up, so I'm taking up the slack. Not

an hour goes buy when I'm not

opening something or shaking hands

with a snotty toddler. I have to go.

I have to canter to the chemist.

Hello. My father-in-law is

forgetting to take pills I need a

box marked with the days of the

week.

Of course.

I've arranged a 21 gun salute to

remind him of the time. Hello? No.

You had your banquet. Don't you

remember? 12 courses... Yes, I'll be

back soon. No, I won't forget your

Sudoku! He keeps his brain active,

you know. Now, what else do I need.

Oh, yes! The mother-in-law is losing

her crown. Sometimes she says "where

I have put my crown?" I say it is on

her head. And sometimes she leave it

is on her head or in Canada. Have

you got a string to keep it on her

neck?

Yes, in red or blue.

Anything with any precious gems?

No.

She should retire. She is showing

her age. Wandering into a part of

the Commonwealth and saying what did

she go there for?

Don't they life

with you?

Oh, God, you need a place

where you pull a chord and somebody

comes to them?

A care home?

A

palace. But I am taking them to a

day care centre.

Oh, God, the mother-in-law now,

hello? Have you looked on your head?

On your head?! On your head?! Have

you you been groped at home or at

work? Preferably at work? Have you

been asked to massage someone in

order to get a job? Or buy sex toys

for another man's wife? We are here

to head. The deadline for reporting

sexual harassment is fast

approaching. Newspapers are losing

interest. But don't take my word for

it...

When I was felt up by an

employer in 2009 I was scared that I

would jeopardise my career. Now I've

come forward, they have explained it

was OK back then, so it was great.

Don't delay. Act now before idiots

who have never experienced it,

accuse you of jumping on the

bandwagon.

Tawe star Gemma Collins has

reportedly considered legal action

after falling down a hole at the

Radio 1 team awards. And... Sorry

just checking it still says news up

there. -- TOWIE. Apparently this is

news now. The burgeoning nuclear

Armageddon is presumably being

covered by Heat magazine.

I can't

believe my nine was faster, so

embarrassing.

Sports halls across

England. Close as cuts bite.

Brainstorm.

People sign up to rent

out their back gardens to people who

want to play rounders.

How about for

an extra fee access to the bath for

an experienced almost like swimming.

Let's call it scuba.

Let's do this,

I'm from the app, where is the fire?

Jeremy Hunt John are now watching

the apprentice.

Aren't the team

names ridiculous?

I know.

Vitality.

Synergy.

Kinetic.

Evolve. You don't

think...

They sound nothing like

momentum.

It's a sensible name for a

political organisation, not like a

daft apprentice team name.

Team

momentum, that doesn't sound likely.

Winter Olympics 2018, South Korea,

I'm presenting loose, Bobsleigh,

skiing, skating, ice hockey,

skeleton, live shows, catch-up

shows, opening ceremony and closing

ceremony. I've got to be honest,

producer, Sue, I'm worried. There

must be more I can do. Please, let

me help... I'm going to be a spare

part in the Nordic combined so I

thought while I'm over there I could

pop up to North Korea.

What?

They

are in a terrible pickle, I've got

this. I could nip over there, bang a

few heads together and fixed the

whole hullabaloo. You'll get a

programme, we can call it Clare

Balding's nuclear throw-down. I

fancy my chances in a chinwag with

Kim Jong-un. I mean if anyone can

deal with a power obsessed maniac

it's me. I presented today at

Wimbledon with John McEnroe.

I'm not

sure.

I'll start with easy

questions, settle him like a jittery

horse. Kim, what is the atmosphere

like in your brutal regime? Talk us

through the moment you associate

your own half brother, fluffy stuff,

then take a big Clare Balding breath

and ask how proud he would be to

accept a formal peace treaty. I'll

bamboozle him. I've got this, yeah,

flat white and a cappuccino for

Andrew. There you go. Don't worry, I

can put this through for Andrew,

just wants to help.

You could get

arrested, put in prison.

That would

put a crook endings. Would it? I

could not in with the other inmates,

take them rambling round the

exercise yard. You could film that,

too, Clare Balding inside the gulag

is. I've got this. Could be a 2-part

special. Four part special. And I'll

do the voice-over, I'll use my

Slocum serious voice I do when Team

GB comes in last. -- my slow,

serious voice. I've got this, stand

back everybody!

If you want to solve

a problem what about an issue closer

to home like Brexit?

Brexit? Not

even boulders could deal with that

sticky wicket. There you go. Study,

study...

Gordon Brown has revealed in a

memoir he wasn't entirely cut out to

be Prime Minister. In other news...

The Pope is Catholic. Stay tuned for

breaking revelations about where

bears shit. Woods, said a bad word.

Let's see if anyone upstairs is

watching... As I thought.

Here's your copy. Touch of milk. But

not too much.

Not too sweet.

Not too

bitter.

Bang in the centre, the way

we like things here.

I'm going to

decant into my Tim Farron mug. I

told you we'd get rid of them

eventually, only 1998 to go.

We've

not exactly been going like hot

cakes.

I know, it's so unfair.

When

Tory and Labour MPs job of the front

bench as they become inexplicably

popular.

Michael Portillo.

Everybody

hated him but stick him on a train

in Asprey trousers and suddenly he

is cosy tea-time viewing. Why has it

not happened for Tim?

Ed Balls...

That was strictly.

Would Tim be up

for that?

Is never specifically said

he wouldn't wear sequins but he's

hinted at it.

There is more than

strictly, there are all sorts of

other reality shows.

That's true, we

could always ask... Where is our

phonebook of previous leaders?

Ashdown, Campbell, cable, Clegg...

Tim commits Rebecca from party

headquarters. Just a thought, we'd

like to apply for you to be on I'm a

celebrity. How would you feel about

crawling through a tunnel of rats to

get stars to get food for the camp?

No? What about Bear Grylls? How

would you feel about crawling

through undergrowth to get food to

the camp? No? OK, OK. Love Island?

You go to an island and have sex

with a string of glamour stars. Yes,

sex. Heterosexual sex. He's hung up.

Look at him, bringing the reputation

of our national game, a source of

Scottish pride being destroyed by

this tiny handed in Mucci headed

hate monkey.

You know what's really

bad, Nicola, he looks Scottish. His

flaxen hair and strange sickly

complexion.

It's worse than that, we

Mhairi, his mother was Scottish, a

McLeod, just having one of his exist

on Scottish soil is national

humiliation. Sadly golf is his game

of choice, that and nonconsensual

groping. We have to find a way to

put people off using his course. Get

him out of Scotland. I call it,

operation arsehole in one. Here is

our quartermaster, canny Kenny, what

have you got for us?

A right load of

balls.

Balls?

I, but not any balls.

They might look like ordinary golf

balls, but the outer shell is only

the thickness of a haggis skin,

inside is hollow. Filled with 6000

genetically engineered midges. It

only takes a swipe from one of these

balls and the insulin crowd of

beasties would devour the epidermis

of every player on the fairway. They

like pale skin best, ideal for the

Caledonian golfer.

Canny Kenny, it's

perfect. In one fell swoop we will

crush Trump's grip on Scottish golf.

Midges...

It's not so bad, it's only

like camping in Loch Lomond.

Prue Leith has apologised for

revealing who won the great British

Bake Off before the final was

broadcast, treating the explanation,

I mean Obertan. What kind of an

excuse is that? Sorry I said that

sexy picture to everyone at your

work, but I'm in Bhutan. Reducing

Alexis long-term relationship

edition.

Buy wine for Carol's party

on Friday.

You didn't tell me about

Carol's party. That's fine, I'll

cancel my plans.

Just like you've

been together for ever.

Alexis, ten

classical music on. Alexis, turn

classical music on.

Yes, get in!

I've even listening to me? Recommend

a local takeaway...

I don't mind,

you decide.

You must have an

opinion.

Whatever, you choose.

Order

pizza.

Not pizza.

The Alexis

long-term relationship edition.

Remember exactly why you chose to

stay single in the first place.

Get

out! And take your charging dock

with you!

You wanted to see me?

Yes, I think

we need to talk about how your

economics degree is going.

Definite.

I'm concerned your written work is

very poor.

Not good enough, is it?

What have you got to say for

yourself?

What have I got to say to

myself? The question is what have

you got to say?

I'm the one paying

£9,000 a year and frankly I'm not

getting my money 's worth.

You need

to pull your socks up.

No you need

to pull my socks up.

I can't pull

yours up.

I'm better off if I fail,

they worked it out, I'll have

borrowed just over £27,000 for this

degree, but they only need to pay it

back if I get a well-paid job, which

in my case is already looking

unlikely thank God.

The worst you do

in the degree the better value for

money?

Yeah, let's face it, this

place is struggling.

What makes you

say that?

You let me in.

If you do

badly it reflects badly on the ad I

could lose funding.

Lecturers like

you are incentivised to get students

like me into as much debt as

possible.

That can't be right can

it?

You're right, the whole university

funding system makes no sense.

Precisely.

This is brilliant work,

your grades will go through the

roof. You could do my job.

How much

do you earn?

40,000 a year. What are

you doing?

Repayments...

Have you heard the news, we Mhairi?

Operation arsehole in one was a

complete success, like a biblical

plague according to the Gazette and

they are not given to exaggeration.

Attendance is down 50% already.

Nicola have you heard the good news?

I, the club is losing members faster

than the SNP at a general election.

Shut it, we Mhairi.

Trump was making

one of his secret visit and was

caught in the swarm, we got him.

Written all over, left blotchy and

red-faced.

I can't tell the

difference.

Well, we tried. Scottish

golf is doomed. Issue a press

release, our national sport is now

officially caber tossing.

Yes!

Jeremy Hunt John are one more

familiar territory with Question

Time.

Good.

A bit more dignified.

That's the best bit, you can turn

over now.