Episode 2 Tracey Breaks the News


Episode 2

More up-to-the-minute comedy as Tracey Ullman gives her unique take on the week's news.


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Transcript


LineFromTo

This week in a very special edition

of Gogglebox we head to Islington

0:00:080:00:14

and the home of later on leader,

Jeremy Corbyn.

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What is this show called?

Tracy

Breaks The News.

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Who's that old bloke meant to be?

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What kind of an oh, was that, dear?

I have to organise Nuys the

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Conservative Christmas party. Steep

Christmas is mere before we know it,

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we are not prepared. It is Brexit

with tinsel! I have to keep the

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party happy, they have worked jolly

hard.

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It has to be safe for all of the

guests. No set pest stuff. Phillip,

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I am absolutely determined to tackle

this issue, all of a sudden.

Right

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you are, Teflon Tess.

In the invitations we are not

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inviting anyone with the words

octopus, wandering or bastard.

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Sounds nice. We need alcohol,

perhaps English sparkling wine.

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That will stop people drinking too

much.

What about dancing?

Nothing

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with physical contact. Not the

locomotive and nobody scrawling on

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the floor to Oops Up One Side's

Head.

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Boris Johnson will be happy. That is

a plus.

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What about the one you don't touch,

you do the arms and jump on the

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spot?

The macarana. It is a bit

European.

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Well that's out too, then! What?

It's Michael Gove making a joke,

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that is in no way funny at all.

Then stop it. And why aren't I on

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the group? Just paws I don't have

what's ap, doesn't mean I should not

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be included?

No, dear.

Amber Rudd says we should do a

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secret Santa.

I can't see anything wrong with

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that, as long as you don't bring

certain toys?

What about toys, we

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are grown ups?

Do you mean Marks &

Spencer? Never mind.

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So a Christmas party, without any

toys or music, I'm worried it is

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still too upbeat for the Democratic

Unionist Party.

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So, a group on a train. Everyone

thinks this each other has committed

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murder. We are very proud of it. The

first film based on the Southern

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Rail franchise.

No! We is lots of fake social media

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accounts in the West.

Yes?

The

social media companies are shutting

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them down.

Why?

For being fake.

It

costs thus thousands.

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I've lost my favourite.

We must keep turning the West

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against itself or Vladimir Putin

will get sad. And if he gets sad, I

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get sad and people go missing.

There must be other ways to

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undermine politics in the UK.

For

Jacob Rees-Mogg to become the Prime

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Minister and finish the job for us.

OK.

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Danny?

Assimilate fake videos on

Facebook?

What is that sound,

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boring! I want new ways to undermine

democracy!

Recipe books.

Who needs

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recipe books? Vodka and dumplings,

is the only recipe that we need. But

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a British person is given a recipe

book every Christmas.

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Yes. Infiltrate the publishers, buy

up the printers, the recipes will be

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adjusted! That smells lovely.

It's the new Nigella.

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Why does it say Nato's shit.

I don't

know, because it?

You are watching

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the news. Further allegations of

sexual misconduct emerged, you know,

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I kicked a supervisor in the balls

in 2008 instead of accepting his

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advances. Perhaps that is why I've

been on this night shift for nine

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years.

The time is only 20 minutes since I

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last looked. Feels like longer.

Back in Islington, Jeremy Corbyn and

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John McDonald are watching Sounds

Like Friday Night.

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Met him. Know her. He's a fan.

Is that so?

Reminds me of

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Glastonbury. Shall I put my speech

on again.

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Can we take a break. I'm starving.

Due few puff?

Lovely.

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Actually, I'm OK.

Going rather well, don't you think?

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That bit where I explained to you

who Noel fielding was. Classic

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Gogglebox.

Sure this is a good idea? We are

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meant to be social revolutionaries.

This is TV fluff?

Political MPs have

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to come across as normal people.

Inviting the TV cameras into my

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crypt is good.

We should be focussing on the real

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enemy?

What, Paul Hollywood!

No, the

bloody Tories!

All right, comrade,

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let's take it down a notch. The

workers.

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I worry about the showbiz stuff. You

don't want to talk about elected

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people.

My job is to spread the gospel of

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international neo-Marxist

international capitalism. That is

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why I appear on Loose Women. The

fact that I have great chemistry

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with Stacey Solomon is neither here

nor there.

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You have a new image with the beard

and the clothes.

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I've had the same clothe for 30

years.

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These day you wear them, before they

were just sort of... On you.

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We have to get back in there.

Listen, John, I'm still the same old

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Jeremy, champion of ordinary working

people. Look at this programme, the

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way it documents the neo-liberal

consumerist model, providing workers

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with a decent income but forcing

them to demeaning ways to find a few

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extra quid.

It's only Bargain Hunt.

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I'm using beige on your cheeks to go

with your eyes.

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Remind me who I am meeting with.

Oh, the other one...

I know it was

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Macron but it is not as if I have

been counting the dares and the

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minutes.

I know what you are like around him.

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Don't be taken in by his charm.

I know the difference between the

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politics and the lady in the bath.

Don't worry, I will be 100%

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professional.

Emmanuel...

Angela. Please. Are you

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wearing book shelf beige?

You

noticed! Now, on the agenda, we have

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to talk about the Brexit fallout.

Let's start with finances. We want

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London City jobs to move to Paris.

Paris!

Oh... Then you should have

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them, naturally...

Moving on to the

British text sector.

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We want those jobs in Germany.

Of course but if someone were to say

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that France could have the tech jobs

then that person would be the most

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generous as well as the most

attractive leader the world has

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known.

Oh, my God, I think that is good,

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ja. That should be good you can have

the tech.

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I need you for a moment.

I'm busy.

There is a sudden crisis

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in the bratwurst industry.

And there are problems on the new

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Kraftwerk album.

And your lipstick smudged... How can

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you let that happen. You are letting

Macron run circles around you.

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I am just waiting before I throw in

the hard demands.

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You are the sex bomb. You are the

power.

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You are right, what was I thinking?!

You must think me a fool, I am not

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taken in by you. We want.0% of the

bank jobs and 80% of the tech jobs.

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So, it is like this.

I Yes.

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I thought we had something special.

Nein.

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How could I think that I could best

you? I have been foolish to

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underestimate such an exceptional

woman as I walk the grounds of this

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conference centre alone tonight

tonight... Naked from the waist up.

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Oiled. Beads of percent operation,

dripping there every part of my

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torso.

Oh... You can have the jobs.

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OK. We are done. Back to Paris.

Oh, shit.

0:10:310:10:41

Sorry, just having a Pop Tart.

Donald Trump's campaign manager has

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been charged with a dozen serious

offences related to hiring foreign

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payments. And Donald Trump has done

a series of angry tweets. Imagine, I

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don't know... But it's a fair guess!

Great news, the hospital air B and B

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idea we trialled in Southend has

been not immediately rejected by a

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Health Minister.

That bombed in the press. Thought it

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was dead in the water.

Apparently not. What is next.

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Expand on it?

The Prison Service is

stretched.

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. Ask the public to take the strain.

£50 to house a convict.

House a

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slasher, earn some cacher!

Maybe

something more friendly. So it

0:11:280:11:32

doesn'ts sound like you get

murdered.

And offer training on how

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to restrain a violent criminal.

I love it but are police arresting

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anymore?

Funny you should say that.

We have been working on an app. Open

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it at the moment of assault, swipe

lift if you are stabbed, right for

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being mugged.

I prefer the term

arresteroo enforcer.

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Fantastic!

Anything else?

Archie...

Why wait for so-called firefighters,

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when a blaze can connect you with

bucket holders in your local area.

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And you don't have to do anything as

ablaze uses the phone's in-built

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censor to detect the heat from your

fire as quickly as... It's melting!

0:12:230:12:30

It works better on android.

It is not awful, which is the same

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as being brilliant.

We're on fire.

0:12:340:12:37

Yes, we are!

No, we are on fire.

Call 999. No need, ablaze has got

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this... Right, has anyone got 4G?

She's going to break the news! Giddy

0:12:440:12:52

up, filly. Over the hedge. Bump! And

she make it is over again.

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She's going to win the gymkhana!

Camilla here. Hello, sexy bum. Not

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home for ages.

Phillip is tired. Kate is knocked

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up, so I'm taking up the slack. Not

an hour goes buy when I'm not

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opening something or shaking hands

with a snotty toddler. I have to go.

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I have to canter to the chemist.

Hello. My father-in-law is

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forgetting to take pills I need a

box marked with the days of the

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week.

Of course.

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I've arranged a 21 gun salute to

remind him of the time. Hello? No.

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You had your banquet. Don't you

remember? 12 courses... Yes, I'll be

0:13:430:13:49

back soon. No, I won't forget your

Sudoku! He keeps his brain active,

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you know. Now, what else do I need.

Oh, yes! The mother-in-law is losing

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her crown. Sometimes she says "where

I have put my crown?" I say it is on

0:14:070:14:15

her head. And sometimes she leave it

is on her head or in Canada. Have

0:14:150:14:21

you got a string to keep it on her

neck?

Yes, in red or blue.

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Anything with any precious gems?

No.

She should retire. She is showing

0:14:270:14:32

her age. Wandering into a part of

the Commonwealth and saying what did

0:14:320:14:36

she go there for?

Don't they life

with you?

Oh, God, you need a place

0:14:360:14:44

where you pull a chord and somebody

comes to them?

A care home?

A

0:14:440:14:48

palace. But I am taking them to a

day care centre.

0:14:480:14:56

Oh, God, the mother-in-law now,

hello? Have you looked on your head?

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On your head?! On your head?! Have

you you been groped at home or at

0:15:010:15:07

work? Preferably at work? Have you

been asked to massage someone in

0:15:070:15:11

order to get a job? Or buy sex toys

for another man's wife? We are here

0:15:110:15:19

to head. The deadline for reporting

sexual harassment is fast

0:15:190:15:23

approaching. Newspapers are losing

interest. But don't take my word for

0:15:230:15:28

it...

When I was felt up by an

employer in 2009 I was scared that I

0:15:280:15:37

would jeopardise my career. Now I've

come forward, they have explained it

0:15:370:15:44

was OK back then, so it was great.

Don't delay. Act now before idiots

0:15:440:15:51

who have never experienced it,

accuse you of jumping on the

0:15:510:15:54

bandwagon.

0:15:540:15:58

Tawe star Gemma Collins has

reportedly considered legal action

0:15:580:16:01

after falling down a hole at the

Radio 1 team awards. And... Sorry

0:16:010:16:07

just checking it still says news up

there. -- TOWIE. Apparently this is

0:16:070:16:13

news now. The burgeoning nuclear

Armageddon is presumably being

0:16:130:16:16

covered by Heat magazine.

I can't

believe my nine was faster, so

0:16:160:16:24

embarrassing.

Sports halls across

England. Close as cuts bite.

0:16:240:16:29

Brainstorm.

People sign up to rent

out their back gardens to people who

0:16:290:16:34

want to play rounders.

How about for

an extra fee access to the bath for

0:16:340:16:40

an experienced almost like swimming.

Let's call it scuba.

Let's do this,

0:16:400:16:44

I'm from the app, where is the fire?

0:16:440:16:48

Jeremy Hunt John are now watching

the apprentice.

Aren't the team

0:16:500:16:55

names ridiculous?

I know.

Vitality.

Synergy.

Kinetic.

Evolve. You don't

0:16:550:17:07

think...

They sound nothing like

momentum.

It's a sensible name for a

0:17:070:17:13

political organisation, not like a

daft apprentice team name.

Team

0:17:130:17:18

momentum, that doesn't sound likely.

0:17:180:17:20

Winter Olympics 2018, South Korea,

I'm presenting loose, Bobsleigh,

0:17:210:17:29

skiing, skating, ice hockey,

skeleton, live shows, catch-up

0:17:290:17:32

shows, opening ceremony and closing

ceremony. I've got to be honest,

0:17:320:17:36

producer, Sue, I'm worried. There

must be more I can do. Please, let

0:17:360:17:41

me help... I'm going to be a spare

part in the Nordic combined so I

0:17:410:17:47

thought while I'm over there I could

pop up to North Korea.

What?

They

0:17:470:17:52

are in a terrible pickle, I've got

this. I could nip over there, bang a

0:17:520:17:56

few heads together and fixed the

whole hullabaloo. You'll get a

0:17:560:17:59

programme, we can call it Clare

Balding's nuclear throw-down. I

0:17:590:18:03

fancy my chances in a chinwag with

Kim Jong-un. I mean if anyone can

0:18:030:18:08

deal with a power obsessed maniac

it's me. I presented today at

0:18:080:18:12

Wimbledon with John McEnroe.

I'm not

sure.

I'll start with easy

0:18:120:18:18

questions, settle him like a jittery

horse. Kim, what is the atmosphere

0:18:180:18:22

like in your brutal regime? Talk us

through the moment you associate

0:18:220:18:27

your own half brother, fluffy stuff,

then take a big Clare Balding breath

0:18:270:18:31

and ask how proud he would be to

accept a formal peace treaty. I'll

0:18:310:18:35

bamboozle him. I've got this, yeah,

flat white and a cappuccino for

0:18:350:18:40

Andrew. There you go. Don't worry, I

can put this through for Andrew,

0:18:400:18:43

just wants to help.

You could get

arrested, put in prison.

That would

0:18:430:18:49

put a crook endings. Would it? I

could not in with the other inmates,

0:18:490:18:52

take them rambling round the

exercise yard. You could film that,

0:18:520:18:57

too, Clare Balding inside the gulag

is. I've got this. Could be a 2-part

0:18:570:19:03

special. Four part special. And I'll

do the voice-over, I'll use my

0:19:030:19:08

Slocum serious voice I do when Team

GB comes in last. -- my slow,

0:19:080:19:16

serious voice. I've got this, stand

back everybody!

If you want to solve

0:19:160:19:20

a problem what about an issue closer

to home like Brexit?

Brexit? Not

0:19:200:19:26

even boulders could deal with that

sticky wicket. There you go. Study,

0:19:260:19:30

study...

0:19:300:19:31

Gordon Brown has revealed in a

memoir he wasn't entirely cut out to

0:19:350:19:38

be Prime Minister. In other news...

The Pope is Catholic. Stay tuned for

0:19:380:19:45

breaking revelations about where

bears shit. Woods, said a bad word.

0:19:450:19:49

Let's see if anyone upstairs is

watching... As I thought.

0:19:490:19:53

Here's your copy. Touch of milk. But

not too much.

Not too sweet.

Not too

0:19:570:20:05

bitter.

Bang in the centre, the way

we like things here.

I'm going to

0:20:050:20:10

decant into my Tim Farron mug. I

told you we'd get rid of them

0:20:100:20:14

eventually, only 1998 to go.

We've

not exactly been going like hot

0:20:140:20:19

cakes.

I know, it's so unfair.

When

Tory and Labour MPs job of the front

0:20:190:20:27

bench as they become inexplicably

popular.

Michael Portillo.

Everybody

0:20:270:20:32

hated him but stick him on a train

in Asprey trousers and suddenly he

0:20:320:20:36

is cosy tea-time viewing. Why has it

not happened for Tim?

Ed Balls...

0:20:360:20:44

That was strictly.

Would Tim be up

for that?

Is never specifically said

0:20:440:20:49

he wouldn't wear sequins but he's

hinted at it.

There is more than

0:20:490:20:52

strictly, there are all sorts of

other reality shows.

That's true, we

0:20:520:20:57

could always ask... Where is our

phonebook of previous leaders?

0:20:570:21:03

Ashdown, Campbell, cable, Clegg...

0:21:030:21:08

Tim commits Rebecca from party

headquarters. Just a thought, we'd

0:21:110:21:15

like to apply for you to be on I'm a

celebrity. How would you feel about

0:21:150:21:20

crawling through a tunnel of rats to

get stars to get food for the camp?

0:21:200:21:26

No? What about Bear Grylls? How

would you feel about crawling

0:21:260:21:29

through undergrowth to get food to

the camp? No? OK, OK. Love Island?

0:21:290:21:39

You go to an island and have sex

with a string of glamour stars. Yes,

0:21:390:21:42

sex. Heterosexual sex. He's hung up.

0:21:420:21:48

Look at him, bringing the reputation

of our national game, a source of

0:21:530:21:59

Scottish pride being destroyed by

this tiny handed in Mucci headed

0:21:590:22:02

hate monkey.

You know what's really

bad, Nicola, he looks Scottish. His

0:22:020:22:08

flaxen hair and strange sickly

complexion.

It's worse than that, we

0:22:080:22:13

Mhairi, his mother was Scottish, a

McLeod, just having one of his exist

0:22:130:22:19

on Scottish soil is national

humiliation. Sadly golf is his game

0:22:190:22:23

of choice, that and nonconsensual

groping. We have to find a way to

0:22:230:22:28

put people off using his course. Get

him out of Scotland. I call it,

0:22:280:22:33

operation arsehole in one. Here is

our quartermaster, canny Kenny, what

0:22:330:22:39

have you got for us?

A right load of

balls.

Balls?

I, but not any balls.

0:22:390:22:47

They might look like ordinary golf

balls, but the outer shell is only

0:22:470:22:51

the thickness of a haggis skin,

inside is hollow. Filled with 6000

0:22:510:22:55

genetically engineered midges. It

only takes a swipe from one of these

0:22:550:23:02

balls and the insulin crowd of

beasties would devour the epidermis

0:23:020:23:06

of every player on the fairway. They

like pale skin best, ideal for the

0:23:060:23:11

Caledonian golfer.

Canny Kenny, it's

perfect. In one fell swoop we will

0:23:110:23:19

crush Trump's grip on Scottish golf.

Midges...

It's not so bad, it's only

0:23:190:23:27

like camping in Loch Lomond.

0:23:270:23:28

Prue Leith has apologised for

revealing who won the great British

0:23:320:23:35

Bake Off before the final was

broadcast, treating the explanation,

0:23:350:23:39

I mean Obertan. What kind of an

excuse is that? Sorry I said that

0:23:390:23:45

sexy picture to everyone at your

work, but I'm in Bhutan. Reducing

0:23:450:23:54

Alexis long-term relationship

edition.

Buy wine for Carol's party

0:23:540:23:57

on Friday.

You didn't tell me about

Carol's party. That's fine, I'll

0:23:570:24:03

cancel my plans.

Just like you've

been together for ever.

Alexis, ten

0:24:030:24:07

classical music on. Alexis, turn

classical music on.

Yes, get in!

0:24:070:24:17

I've even listening to me? Recommend

a local takeaway...

I don't mind,

0:24:170:24:22

you decide.

You must have an

opinion.

Whatever, you choose.

Order

0:24:220:24:28

pizza.

Not pizza.

The Alexis

long-term relationship edition.

0:24:280:24:34

Remember exactly why you chose to

stay single in the first place.

Get

0:24:340:24:39

out! And take your charging dock

with you!

0:24:390:24:45

You wanted to see me?

Yes, I think

we need to talk about how your

0:24:470:24:52

economics degree is going.

Definite.

I'm concerned your written work is

0:24:520:24:58

very poor.

Not good enough, is it?

What have you got to say for

0:24:580:25:02

yourself?

What have I got to say to

myself? The question is what have

0:25:020:25:06

you got to say?

I'm the one paying

£9,000 a year and frankly I'm not

0:25:060:25:09

getting my money 's worth.

You need

to pull your socks up.

No you need

0:25:090:25:14

to pull my socks up.

I can't pull

yours up.

I'm better off if I fail,

0:25:140:25:19

they worked it out, I'll have

borrowed just over £27,000 for this

0:25:190:25:23

degree, but they only need to pay it

back if I get a well-paid job, which

0:25:230:25:27

in my case is already looking

unlikely thank God.

The worst you do

0:25:270:25:30

in the degree the better value for

money?

Yeah, let's face it, this

0:25:300:25:34

place is struggling.

What makes you

say that?

You let me in.

If you do

0:25:340:25:42

badly it reflects badly on the ad I

could lose funding.

Lecturers like

0:25:420:25:46

you are incentivised to get students

like me into as much debt as

0:25:460:25:49

possible.

That can't be right can

it?

0:25:490:25:54

You're right, the whole university

funding system makes no sense.

0:26:140:26:19

Precisely.

This is brilliant work,

your grades will go through the

0:26:190:26:23

roof. You could do my job.

How much

do you earn?

40,000 a year. What are

0:26:230:26:29

you doing?

Repayments...

0:26:290:26:33

Have you heard the news, we Mhairi?

Operation arsehole in one was a

0:26:360:26:44

complete success, like a biblical

plague according to the Gazette and

0:26:440:26:48

they are not given to exaggeration.

Attendance is down 50% already.

0:26:480:26:53

Nicola have you heard the good news?

I, the club is losing members faster

0:26:530:26:58

than the SNP at a general election.

Shut it, we Mhairi.

Trump was making

0:26:580:27:04

one of his secret visit and was

caught in the swarm, we got him.

0:27:040:27:08

Written all over, left blotchy and

red-faced.

I can't tell the

0:27:080:27:13

difference.

Well, we tried. Scottish

golf is doomed. Issue a press

0:27:130:27:22

release, our national sport is now

officially caber tossing.

Yes!

0:27:220:27:28

Jeremy Hunt John are one more

familiar territory with Question

0:27:300:27:32

Time.

Good.

A bit more dignified.

0:27:320:27:38

That's the best bit, you can turn

over now.

0:27:590:28:04

More up-to-the-minute comedy as Tracey Ullman gives her unique take on the week's news with her hilarious characters and amazing impressions.