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This week in a very special edition
of Gogglebox we head to Islington
and the home of later on leader,
What is this show called?
Breaks The News.
Who's that old bloke meant to be?
What kind of an oh, was that, dear?
I have to organise Nuys the
Conservative Christmas party. Steep
Christmas is mere before we know it,
we are not prepared. It is Brexit
with tinsel! I have to keep the
party happy, they have worked jolly
It has to be safe for all of the
guests. No set pest stuff. Phillip,
I am absolutely determined to tackle
this issue, all of a sudden.
you are, Teflon Tess.
In the invitations we are not
inviting anyone with the words
octopus, wandering or bastard.
Sounds nice. We need alcohol,
perhaps English sparkling wine.
That will stop people drinking too
What about dancing?
with physical contact. Not the
locomotive and nobody scrawling on
the floor to Oops Up One Side's
Boris Johnson will be happy. That is
What about the one you don't touch,
you do the arms and jump on the
The macarana. It is a bit
Well that's out too, then! What?
It's Michael Gove making a joke,
that is in no way funny at all.
Then stop it. And why aren't I on
the group? Just paws I don't have
what's ap, doesn't mean I should not
Amber Rudd says we should do a
I can't see anything wrong with
that, as long as you don't bring
What about toys, we
are grown ups?
Do you mean Marks &
Spencer? Never mind.
So a Christmas party, without any
toys or music, I'm worried it is
still too upbeat for the Democratic
So, a group on a train. Everyone
thinks this each other has committed
murder. We are very proud of it. The
first film based on the Southern
No! We is lots of fake social media
accounts in the West.
social media companies are shutting
For being fake.
costs thus thousands.
I've lost my favourite.
We must keep turning the West
against itself or Vladimir Putin
will get sad. And if he gets sad, I
get sad and people go missing.
There must be other ways to
undermine politics in the UK.
Jacob Rees-Mogg to become the Prime
Minister and finish the job for us.
Assimilate fake videos on
What is that sound,
boring! I want new ways to undermine
recipe books? Vodka and dumplings,
is the only recipe that we need. But
a British person is given a recipe
book every Christmas.
Yes. Infiltrate the publishers, buy
up the printers, the recipes will be
adjusted! That smells lovely.
It's the new Nigella.
Why does it say Nato's shit.
know, because it?
You are watching
the news. Further allegations of
sexual misconduct emerged, you know,
I kicked a supervisor in the balls
in 2008 instead of accepting his
advances. Perhaps that is why I've
been on this night shift for nine
The time is only 20 minutes since I
last looked. Feels like longer.
Back in Islington, Jeremy Corbyn and
John McDonald are watching Sounds
Like Friday Night.
Met him. Know her. He's a fan.
Is that so?
Reminds me of
Glastonbury. Shall I put my speech
Can we take a break. I'm starving.
Due few puff?
Actually, I'm OK.
Going rather well, don't you think?
That bit where I explained to you
who Noel fielding was. Classic
Sure this is a good idea? We are
meant to be social revolutionaries.
This is TV fluff?
Political MPs have
to come across as normal people.
Inviting the TV cameras into my
crypt is good.
We should be focussing on the real
What, Paul Hollywood!
All right, comrade,
let's take it down a notch. The
I worry about the showbiz stuff. You
don't want to talk about elected
My job is to spread the gospel of
international capitalism. That is
why I appear on Loose Women. The
fact that I have great chemistry
with Stacey Solomon is neither here
You have a new image with the beard
and the clothes.
I've had the same clothe for 30
These day you wear them, before they
were just sort of... On you.
We have to get back in there.
Listen, John, I'm still the same old
Jeremy, champion of ordinary working
people. Look at this programme, the
way it documents the neo-liberal
consumerist model, providing workers
with a decent income but forcing
them to demeaning ways to find a few
It's only Bargain Hunt.
I'm using beige on your cheeks to go
with your eyes.
Remind me who I am meeting with.
Oh, the other one...
I know it was
Macron but it is not as if I have
been counting the dares and the
I know what you are like around him.
Don't be taken in by his charm.
I know the difference between the
politics and the lady in the bath.
Don't worry, I will be 100%
Angela. Please. Are you
wearing book shelf beige?
noticed! Now, on the agenda, we have
to talk about the Brexit fallout.
Let's start with finances. We want
London City jobs to move to Paris.
Oh... Then you should have
Moving on to the
British text sector.
We want those jobs in Germany.
Of course but if someone were to say
that France could have the tech jobs
then that person would be the most
generous as well as the most
attractive leader the world has
Oh, my God, I think that is good,
ja. That should be good you can have
I need you for a moment.
There is a sudden crisis
in the bratwurst industry.
And there are problems on the new
And your lipstick smudged... How can
you let that happen. You are letting
Macron run circles around you.
I am just waiting before I throw in
the hard demands.
You are the sex bomb. You are the
You are right, what was I thinking?!
You must think me a fool, I am not
taken in by you. We want.0% of the
bank jobs and 80% of the tech jobs.
So, it is like this.
I thought we had something special.
How could I think that I could best
you? I have been foolish to
underestimate such an exceptional
woman as I walk the grounds of this
conference centre alone tonight
tonight... Naked from the waist up.
Oiled. Beads of percent operation,
dripping there every part of my
Oh... You can have the jobs.
OK. We are done. Back to Paris.
Sorry, just having a Pop Tart.
Donald Trump's campaign manager has
been charged with a dozen serious
offences related to hiring foreign
payments. And Donald Trump has done
a series of angry tweets. Imagine, I
don't know... But it's a fair guess!
Great news, the hospital air B and B
idea we trialled in Southend has
been not immediately rejected by a
That bombed in the press. Thought it
was dead in the water.
Apparently not. What is next.
Expand on it?
The Prison Service is
. Ask the public to take the strain.
£50 to house a convict.
slasher, earn some cacher!
something more friendly. So it
doesn'ts sound like you get
And offer training on how
to restrain a violent criminal.
I love it but are police arresting
Funny you should say that.
We have been working on an app. Open
it at the moment of assault, swipe
lift if you are stabbed, right for
I prefer the term
Why wait for so-called firefighters,
when a blaze can connect you with
bucket holders in your local area.
And you don't have to do anything as
ablaze uses the phone's in-built
censor to detect the heat from your
fire as quickly as... It's melting!
It works better on android.
It is not awful, which is the same
as being brilliant.
We're on fire.
Yes, we are!
No, we are on fire.
Call 999. No need, ablaze has got
this... Right, has anyone got 4G?
She's going to break the news! Giddy
up, filly. Over the hedge. Bump! And
she make it is over again.
She's going to win the gymkhana!
Camilla here. Hello, sexy bum. Not
home for ages.
Phillip is tired. Kate is knocked
up, so I'm taking up the slack. Not
an hour goes buy when I'm not
opening something or shaking hands
with a snotty toddler. I have to go.
I have to canter to the chemist.
Hello. My father-in-law is
forgetting to take pills I need a
box marked with the days of the
I've arranged a 21 gun salute to
remind him of the time. Hello? No.
You had your banquet. Don't you
remember? 12 courses... Yes, I'll be
back soon. No, I won't forget your
Sudoku! He keeps his brain active,
you know. Now, what else do I need.
Oh, yes! The mother-in-law is losing
her crown. Sometimes she says "where
I have put my crown?" I say it is on
her head. And sometimes she leave it
is on her head or in Canada. Have
you got a string to keep it on her
Yes, in red or blue.
Anything with any precious gems?
She should retire. She is showing
her age. Wandering into a part of
the Commonwealth and saying what did
she go there for?
Don't they life
Oh, God, you need a place
where you pull a chord and somebody
comes to them?
A care home?
palace. But I am taking them to a
day care centre.
Oh, God, the mother-in-law now,
hello? Have you looked on your head?
On your head?! On your head?! Have
you you been groped at home or at
work? Preferably at work? Have you
been asked to massage someone in
order to get a job? Or buy sex toys
for another man's wife? We are here
to head. The deadline for reporting
sexual harassment is fast
approaching. Newspapers are losing
interest. But don't take my word for
When I was felt up by an
employer in 2009 I was scared that I
would jeopardise my career. Now I've
come forward, they have explained it
was OK back then, so it was great.
Don't delay. Act now before idiots
who have never experienced it,
accuse you of jumping on the
Tawe star Gemma Collins has
reportedly considered legal action
after falling down a hole at the
Radio 1 team awards. And... Sorry
just checking it still says news up
there. -- TOWIE. Apparently this is
news now. The burgeoning nuclear
Armageddon is presumably being
covered by Heat magazine.
believe my nine was faster, so
Sports halls across
England. Close as cuts bite.
People sign up to rent
out their back gardens to people who
want to play rounders.
How about for
an extra fee access to the bath for
an experienced almost like swimming.
Let's call it scuba.
Let's do this,
I'm from the app, where is the fire?
Jeremy Hunt John are now watching
Aren't the team
Evolve. You don't
They sound nothing like
It's a sensible name for a
political organisation, not like a
daft apprentice team name.
momentum, that doesn't sound likely.
Winter Olympics 2018, South Korea,
I'm presenting loose, Bobsleigh,
skiing, skating, ice hockey,
skeleton, live shows, catch-up
shows, opening ceremony and closing
ceremony. I've got to be honest,
producer, Sue, I'm worried. There
must be more I can do. Please, let
me help... I'm going to be a spare
part in the Nordic combined so I
thought while I'm over there I could
pop up to North Korea.
are in a terrible pickle, I've got
this. I could nip over there, bang a
few heads together and fixed the
whole hullabaloo. You'll get a
programme, we can call it Clare
Balding's nuclear throw-down. I
fancy my chances in a chinwag with
Kim Jong-un. I mean if anyone can
deal with a power obsessed maniac
it's me. I presented today at
Wimbledon with John McEnroe.
I'll start with easy
questions, settle him like a jittery
horse. Kim, what is the atmosphere
like in your brutal regime? Talk us
through the moment you associate
your own half brother, fluffy stuff,
then take a big Clare Balding breath
and ask how proud he would be to
accept a formal peace treaty. I'll
bamboozle him. I've got this, yeah,
flat white and a cappuccino for
Andrew. There you go. Don't worry, I
can put this through for Andrew,
just wants to help.
You could get
arrested, put in prison.
put a crook endings. Would it? I
could not in with the other inmates,
take them rambling round the
exercise yard. You could film that,
too, Clare Balding inside the gulag
is. I've got this. Could be a 2-part
special. Four part special. And I'll
do the voice-over, I'll use my
Slocum serious voice I do when Team
GB comes in last. -- my slow,
serious voice. I've got this, stand
If you want to solve
a problem what about an issue closer
to home like Brexit?
even boulders could deal with that
sticky wicket. There you go. Study,
Gordon Brown has revealed in a
memoir he wasn't entirely cut out to
be Prime Minister. In other news...
The Pope is Catholic. Stay tuned for
breaking revelations about where
bears shit. Woods, said a bad word.
Let's see if anyone upstairs is
watching... As I thought.
Here's your copy. Touch of milk. But
not too much.
Not too sweet.
Bang in the centre, the way
we like things here.
I'm going to
decant into my Tim Farron mug. I
told you we'd get rid of them
eventually, only 1998 to go.
not exactly been going like hot
I know, it's so unfair.
Tory and Labour MPs job of the front
bench as they become inexplicably
hated him but stick him on a train
in Asprey trousers and suddenly he
is cosy tea-time viewing. Why has it
not happened for Tim?
That was strictly.
Would Tim be up
Is never specifically said
he wouldn't wear sequins but he's
hinted at it.
There is more than
strictly, there are all sorts of
other reality shows.
That's true, we
could always ask... Where is our
phonebook of previous leaders?
Ashdown, Campbell, cable, Clegg...
Tim commits Rebecca from party
headquarters. Just a thought, we'd
like to apply for you to be on I'm a
celebrity. How would you feel about
crawling through a tunnel of rats to
get stars to get food for the camp?
No? What about Bear Grylls? How
would you feel about crawling
through undergrowth to get food to
the camp? No? OK, OK. Love Island?
You go to an island and have sex
with a string of glamour stars. Yes,
sex. Heterosexual sex. He's hung up.
Look at him, bringing the reputation
of our national game, a source of
Scottish pride being destroyed by
this tiny handed in Mucci headed
You know what's really
bad, Nicola, he looks Scottish. His
flaxen hair and strange sickly
It's worse than that, we
Mhairi, his mother was Scottish, a
McLeod, just having one of his exist
on Scottish soil is national
humiliation. Sadly golf is his game
of choice, that and nonconsensual
groping. We have to find a way to
put people off using his course. Get
him out of Scotland. I call it,
operation arsehole in one. Here is
our quartermaster, canny Kenny, what
have you got for us?
A right load of
I, but not any balls.
They might look like ordinary golf
balls, but the outer shell is only
the thickness of a haggis skin,
inside is hollow. Filled with 6000
genetically engineered midges. It
only takes a swipe from one of these
balls and the insulin crowd of
beasties would devour the epidermis
of every player on the fairway. They
like pale skin best, ideal for the
Canny Kenny, it's
perfect. In one fell swoop we will
crush Trump's grip on Scottish golf.
It's not so bad, it's only
like camping in Loch Lomond.
Prue Leith has apologised for
revealing who won the great British
Bake Off before the final was
broadcast, treating the explanation,
I mean Obertan. What kind of an
excuse is that? Sorry I said that
sexy picture to everyone at your
work, but I'm in Bhutan. Reducing
Alexis long-term relationship
Buy wine for Carol's party
You didn't tell me about
Carol's party. That's fine, I'll
cancel my plans.
Just like you've
been together for ever.
classical music on. Alexis, turn
classical music on.
Yes, get in!
I've even listening to me? Recommend
a local takeaway...
I don't mind,
You must have an
Whatever, you choose.
long-term relationship edition.
Remember exactly why you chose to
stay single in the first place.
out! And take your charging dock
You wanted to see me?
Yes, I think
we need to talk about how your
economics degree is going.
I'm concerned your written work is
Not good enough, is it?
What have you got to say for
What have I got to say to
myself? The question is what have
you got to say?
I'm the one paying
£9,000 a year and frankly I'm not
getting my money 's worth.
to pull your socks up.
No you need
to pull my socks up.
I can't pull
I'm better off if I fail,
they worked it out, I'll have
borrowed just over £27,000 for this
degree, but they only need to pay it
back if I get a well-paid job, which
in my case is already looking
unlikely thank God.
The worst you do
in the degree the better value for
Yeah, let's face it, this
place is struggling.
What makes you
You let me in.
If you do
badly it reflects badly on the ad I
could lose funding.
you are incentivised to get students
like me into as much debt as
That can't be right can
You're right, the whole university
funding system makes no sense.
This is brilliant work,
your grades will go through the
roof. You could do my job.
do you earn?
40,000 a year. What are
Have you heard the news, we Mhairi?
Operation arsehole in one was a
complete success, like a biblical
plague according to the Gazette and
they are not given to exaggeration.
Attendance is down 50% already.
Nicola have you heard the good news?
I, the club is losing members faster
than the SNP at a general election.
Shut it, we Mhairi.
Trump was making
one of his secret visit and was
caught in the swarm, we got him.
Written all over, left blotchy and
I can't tell the
Well, we tried. Scottish
golf is doomed. Issue a press
release, our national sport is now
officially caber tossing.
Jeremy Hunt John are one more
familiar territory with Question
A bit more dignified.
That's the best bit, you can turn