Episode 3 Tracey Breaks the News


Episode 3

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Transcript


LineFromTo

Hello, Philip.

Won't be a moment, dear.

0:00:030:00:05

Just deleting some porn.

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What?

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It's a joke.

One of my joke thingies.

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Remember I made one once before?

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Oh...Oh, yes.

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So, how was your cross-party

sleaze meeting?

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Me, Jeremy Corbyn and Vince Cable

in a room together.

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What do you think?

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Didn't go well, then?

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No, on the contrary,

we made serious progress.

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If we can just get the whole

of Westminster to be as utterly

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devoid of sexual tension as that

room, job done!

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This news just in...

The markets don't like uncertainty.

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Oil pipeline in the pipeline.

Let me be clear.

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Off the record.

How do I put this?

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And the answer is, we're out!

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# She wants to be like

She wants to see like

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# She wants to walk

a mile in their shoes

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# Every day a new sensation

How to break it to the nation?

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# Tracey's gonna break the news

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# She wants to save it

She wants to claim it

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# She really hopes that

nobody sues

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# Every day a new sensation

Take it to the waiting nation

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# She's gonna faking

well break the news...#

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Come!

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Right, three minutes

to studio, Mrs O.

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Anything I can do for you?

A tea, a coffee?

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Go over the new rules again?

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I think I've got them now, darling.

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So, half the singers

sing on the Saturday

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and half on the Sunday,

and then there's a sing-off

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between the worst two singers.

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The best.

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Ah!

No, that's right.

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The best singers go head to head

to see who gets kicked off.

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No.

To see who wins.

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Yes.

To see who wins the show.

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No, who wins the prize.

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Oh, that's right.

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Yes, there's a prize

now, so no-one loses.

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Uh, no.

More people do lose.

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I thought more people won?

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Well, yes, but more people win less,

so we lose more losers

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while seeing more winners.

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Oh!

Agh...

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For the love of God,

who came up with these rules?!

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Simon did.

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After he fell down

the stairs and hit his head.

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Well, can someone just explain them

to me in words I can understand?

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SLURRED:

Sharon, it's easy.

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You go round and round and round...

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HE RAMBLES.

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..judges' houses, and all

the people going...

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HE RAMBLES.

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..and a live final, Sharon.

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Well, it's simple when

you put it like that.

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Can you get that written

onto a card for me?

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Thanks, sweetheart.

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GERMAN NATIONAL ANTHEM PLAYS.

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Oh, Birgit, what a day.

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I am so tired of all this

Fisten-Cuffen and German politics.

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Why can we not just

form a coalition?

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Ah, you will do it,

mein Chancellor-ette.

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After all, who just tops the Forbes

list of the 100 Most Powerful Women?

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Me.

Angela Merkel.

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You don't look very happy about it.

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Aren't you hipping the hoorays?

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I won last year!

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I've been there, done that,

bought the Lederhosen.

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But so many great

women are below you.

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Beyonce is only number 50.

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That was before they announced

the cast of The Lion King remake.

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By now, she'd be a solid 35.

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But aren't you even

eine kleine bit happy?

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Nein!

Because the Forbes 100 is easy.

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Where is my name on the list

of 100 Hottest Women?

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Can't they see that I am sexy

as well as powerful?

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Like Wonder Woman!

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Maybe you're looking

in the wrong place.

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Do you think that this outfit

is beige enough, Birgit?

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Do you think we should

beige it up some more?

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Ah, look here, mein Chancellor-ette.

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A Lad Bible poll of celebrity

crushes, you are number 28.

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Oh, let me see.

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Unlikely crushes!

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SHE SIGHS.

This is an outrage!

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Listen, you are a powerful woman mit

important things to do.

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Forget this fluff.

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There are fresh concerns about the

Kremlin interfering in Catalonia.

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You should write a strong

and lengthy statement.

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Wait!

Could that be the answer?

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Has the Kremlin been interfering

with the FHM Sexiest Women poll?

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Ja.

Ja!

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They are trying to undermine

the West by lying

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about your total hotness.

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Oh, what a relief.

I feel so much better.

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Let me see this most

powerful list again.

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Oh, look, Theresa May is number 2.

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Send her a memo.

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Just write, "Better

luck next year, bitch!"

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You see, I'm throwing the shade

on her, like Wonder Woman.

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Have you actually seen that film?

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Nein,

I don't have Netflixen.

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BBC NEWS THEME PLAYS.

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Oh, hello.

There goes another one.

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Following unauthorised contact

with Israeli officials,

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International Development Secretary

Priti Patel resigned in a meeting

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with the PM on Wednesday.

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Well, we think it was Wednesday

that she met the PM.

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She probably met her on Monday

and Tuesday as well but didn't

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bother telling anyone.

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MILITARY DRUMMING.

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ORDERS SHOUTED.

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Defence Secretary.

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Where?

Oh, right, that's me, isn't it?

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Sorry.

New to the job.

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Major General Edwards.

Where?

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Oh, right, is that you?

Sorry.

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I just wasn't expecting a...

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Yes.

Yeah.

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Gavin Williamson.

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And this is the Army, then?

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It is.

Right.

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So, where do you keep the boats?

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No, that's the Navy.

That's the Navy.

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Right.

Yeah.

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Boats equals Navy.

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Sorry, I am still slightly playing

catch-up with the details.

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I wasn't really expecting to

suddenly become Defence Secretary.

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This time last week,

I was in the Chief Whip's office,

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you know, with my pet spider.

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Your...?

Sorry.

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Kronos, this is Major

General Edwards.

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Major General Edwards,

this is Kronos.

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Yeah, so last week,

I was just Weird Spider Guy,

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and now I'm in charge of the full

might of Her Majesty's Armed Forces.

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It's insane, eh?

Utterly.

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Anyway, the upshot is,

I've suddenly had to swot up

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on the Army and Navy.

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And Air Force.

There's an air force as well?

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Right.

OK.

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Well, I'm learning already.

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I'll have the hang

of this in no time.

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Right, should I go

and address the troops?

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If you'd like.

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I'm sure they'd be delighted

to hear from a man of such

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uncommon experience.

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They're this way.

Right you are.

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That's a Cub Scout salute.

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Right.

What is the proper salute?

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It's Army, Navy, Air Force.

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Ah.

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Ah, so my next-door neighbour thinks

I'm in the Air Force!

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I'm glad I asked.

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I can't tell you how

helpful this has been.

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It's been my absolute pleasure.

Now, are there any other questions?

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Yes, can Kronos be your

new regimental mascot?

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No.

OK.

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Can I have a gun?

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No.

Fair enough.

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Right, then, ready?

Absolutely.

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Don't worry.

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They may look like

trained killers...

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But?

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There's no but.

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Oh, right.

Well, here we go.

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Oh, and there's a medal

to give out this morning,

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so make your way to the front

and ask to see Private Parts.

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I want to see Private Parts.

0:06:260:06:28

Right, got it.

Ha!

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Hello, Sexy Bum.

It's Camilla.

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Can you see me?

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TYRES SCREECH.

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Well, hold it a bit lower.

I can only see your bald spot.

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Ah, that's better!

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What do you mean, bad news?

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Don't worry, I sorted it.

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I took all your investment paperwork

down to the hunt kennels.

0:06:470:06:49

Hounds have shredded the bally lot.

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What other thing?

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Not another bloody Diana tape?!

0:06:520:06:54

Last year, they found an unseen clip

where she sneezed and they built

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a 90-minute documentary around it.

0:06:570:06:59

What did?

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Oh, the Royal Variety Performance?

0:07:000:07:03

No bally way!

We went last year.

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It's someone else's turn.

0:07:050:07:07

Does Edward still exist?

0:07:070:07:09

What about Kate and William?

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I bet they've said

she's still puking.

0:07:110:07:14

I mean, I've opened fetes

with chronic thrush

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AND a three-bottle hangover.

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You just have to get on with it.

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SIREN WAILS.

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Oh, hang on.

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About bloody time!

0:07:240:07:25

We've had reports that you're

driving erratically.

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Well, of course I'm

driving erratically.

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I'm FaceTiming hubby,

I've got a sleeping dog

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in the footwell and I'm trying

to get through this traffic in time

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to watch Homes Under The Hammer.

0:07:340:07:36

Police escort?

0:07:360:07:37

I should think so, too!

0:07:370:07:42

New from MP Games, the game

for women in Parliament of all ages.

0:07:420:07:45

It's...Guess Who's Next!

0:07:450:07:49

Test your deductive skills

as you try to work out

0:07:490:07:51

which of your colleagues

will be disgraced next.

0:07:510:07:53

Is it a white middle-class man?

0:07:530:07:56

Yes.

0:07:560:07:58

It's fun for all the family,

except for unaccompanied women.

0:07:580:08:01

Does he have a wife?

0:08:010:08:02

Yeah.

0:08:020:08:03

Does he care?

0:08:030:08:05

No.

0:08:050:08:06

Is it...?

0:08:060:08:08

No, but I can see why

you'd think that.

0:08:080:08:11

Is it...?

0:08:110:08:13

Yes.

Yes, it is.

0:08:130:08:15

Yeah.

That's pretty much what I'd heard.

0:08:150:08:18

Guess Who's Next?, the game

you can keep playing

0:08:180:08:20

until the culture changes.

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Hi, Karen?

0:08:250:08:26

You must be James.

0:08:260:08:28

Welcome to HMRC.

0:08:280:08:30

You don't have to be

mad to work here...

0:08:300:08:32

But it helps?

0:08:320:08:33

Why would it help?

0:08:330:08:34

No, sorry.

Good point.

0:08:340:08:36

Right, first things first.

0:08:360:08:37

You'll need to get rid of that.

0:08:370:08:39

Sorry.

0:08:390:08:40

No, your phone.

0:08:400:08:43

What?

It's Apple, isn't it?

0:08:430:08:44

Since we investigate corporate

giants who play the system to avoid

0:08:440:08:47

paying any meaningful tax in the UK,

we can't really be seen

0:08:470:08:50

to use their products, can we?

0:08:500:08:51

So...

0:08:510:08:53

Don't worry.

0:08:530:08:54

If you need to make any

calls, you can use mine.

0:08:540:08:56

But the 9's missing,

so try not to start any fires.

0:08:560:09:00

Right.

0:09:000:09:01

Where did you get the coffee from?

0:09:010:09:03

Starbucks.

0:09:030:09:05

We don't see many of their bucks

coming our way, do we?

0:09:050:09:07

Bin!

0:09:070:09:09

Headphones?

Amazon.

0:09:090:09:10

SHE SIGHS.

0:09:100:09:12

Now, what about this suit?

0:09:120:09:14

Looks like Gap to me.

Well, yeah, but I got it off eBay.

0:09:140:09:17

eBay?!

Bin!

0:09:170:09:20

I hope you're not a fan

of Bono or anything.

0:09:200:09:23

James,

where did you get the underpants?

0:09:260:09:30

M&S.

0:09:300:09:33

Oh, thank God for that.

You can keep them on.

0:09:330:09:35

Whew.

0:09:350:09:36

BBC NEWS THEME PLAYS.

0:09:360:09:38

Formula 1 world champion

Lewis Hamilton has been

0:09:380:09:41

accused of avoiding tax

on his £16 million private jet,

0:09:410:09:44

despite his lawyer deeming

the transaction to be lawful.

0:09:440:09:47

Honestly!

0:09:470:09:49

You set up a company in the Isle

of Man to lease your plane

0:09:490:09:52

to a firm in Farnborough,

who rent the same plane back

0:09:520:09:54

to you via your other

company in Guernsey,

0:09:540:09:56

and people try to make out there's

something dodgy going on?

0:09:560:09:59

The time is...

0:09:590:10:00

Ooh, I can have the other

half of that Twix.

0:10:000:10:03

Here we go.

0:10:030:10:05

See, you look relaxed

and natural there.

0:10:050:10:08

Philip, that's a Madame

Tussaud's waxwork.

0:10:080:10:10

The real me would never be standing

next to Boris AND smiling.

0:10:100:10:13

Could be worse.

0:10:130:10:14

They could have put

you next to Trump.

0:10:140:10:16

Ha-ha!

0:10:160:10:17

Philip, that's not funny.

0:10:170:10:18

I have to Skype him now

and discuss the arrangements.

0:10:180:10:21

Has anyone actually told

Trump that his royal

0:10:210:10:23

visit's no longer royal?

0:10:230:10:25

Well, I'll add it to my list

of things I need to speak

0:10:250:10:28

firmly to him about.

0:10:280:10:29

Now, which button?

0:10:290:10:30

This.

This one?

0:10:300:10:31

Mm-hm.

0:10:310:10:33

SKYPE DIALS.

0:10:330:10:35

Oh, he's not there.

Never mind.

0:10:350:10:36

I'll try next month.

0:10:360:10:37

Hello?

0:10:370:10:38

SHE GROANS.

0:10:380:10:40

BRIGHTLY: How are you, Mr President?

0:10:400:10:43

I'm in another country.

0:10:430:10:44

It's called Asia.

0:10:440:10:45

It's really exotic and different.

0:10:450:10:48

What have you been doing?

0:10:480:10:49

Playing golf and eating hamburgers.

0:10:490:10:51

Can I have those on my royal

visit to England-land?

0:10:510:10:55

Actually, your trip's been

adjusted to a working visit.

0:10:550:11:00

But I still get to ride

in a gold carriage, right?

0:11:000:11:03

And I want to meet Duchess

Kate, but not if she's

0:11:030:11:05

still carrying baby fat.

0:11:050:11:07

I have high standards,

the highest.

0:11:070:11:10

Donald, there's some things I really

need to speak to you about.

0:11:100:11:13

First, I have a question,

and it's a very normal question.

0:11:130:11:17

Are you wearing a wire?

0:11:170:11:19

No, I'm not wearing a wire.

0:11:190:11:21

Good.

0:11:210:11:23

Although I've got

nothing to worry about.

0:11:230:11:25

Papadopoulos was very low level,

I hardly knew Manafort,

0:11:250:11:29

didn't even realise

he was my campaign manager

0:11:290:11:31

or long-term friend.

0:11:310:11:33

I see.

0:11:330:11:34

All these people are low level.

Take Ivanka.

0:11:340:11:38

She's a low-level volunteer daughter

from an old wife who I fired

0:11:380:11:41

before the campaign,

a campaign I did not

0:11:410:11:43

know much about.

0:11:430:11:46

I left that all to the Russians.

0:11:460:11:48

Look, I have some things to say

to you, and I intend to say them.

0:11:480:11:52

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT.

0:11:520:11:54

When you come here, I insist

you don't grab anyone

0:11:540:11:57

by the you-know-what,

link moped crime to Islamic

0:11:570:11:59

terrorism or threaten nuclear wars

that may or may not incinerate

0:11:590:12:02

the Northern Hemisphere.

0:12:020:12:06

There, I've said it,

and we can tell the press that

0:12:060:12:09

I stood up to you and that I'm

strong, which I am.

0:12:090:12:12

I hope I didn't go too far.

Did I go to far?

0:12:120:12:15

Please, can we still

have a trade deal?

0:12:150:12:17

What was that?

I wasn't listening.

0:12:170:12:20

I was doing a tweet about how

we should kill all of America's

0:12:200:12:23

judges, even the ones

from America's Got Talent.

0:12:230:12:27

Right.

0:12:270:12:28

Well, it's always

good to talk to you.

0:12:280:12:31

Theresa, it's always

good to be on Fox News.

0:12:310:12:34

I'm not Fox News.

0:12:340:12:36

I'm the British Prime

Minister, remember?

0:12:360:12:38

So that's why you're not hot?

0:12:380:12:40

OK, what button kills the call?

Is it this one?

0:12:400:12:43

SHE SIGHS.

0:12:430:12:46

Someone get me...

0:12:460:12:48

# She's going to faking

well break the news...#

0:12:500:12:53

Alexis, what's the

weather like today?

0:12:530:12:55

OLD WOMAN:

Back in my day,

we didn't have all this technology,

0:12:550:12:58

and we seemed to get

along just fine.

0:12:580:13:00

Introducing the all-new

Alexis Senior Edition.

0:13:000:13:04

Alexis, what's playing

at the local cinema?

0:13:040:13:06

Oh, you don't want to go out.

0:13:060:13:08

That Mrs Brown's on tonight.

0:13:080:13:10

Do you know she's actually

a man in a dress?

0:13:100:13:14

If you're missing having that

elderly parent around,

0:13:140:13:16

then the Alexis Senior

is perfect for you.

0:13:160:13:18

Alexis, call Trevor.

0:13:180:13:20

Is that your new fancy man?

0:13:200:13:22

If I'd had more than one fella

in my life, I'd have

0:13:220:13:25

been called a slapper,

but I suppose times change.

0:13:250:13:27

Alexis, call Trevor!

0:13:270:13:28

Oh, that reminds me,

0:13:280:13:30

you'll never guess who

else has got cancer?

0:13:300:13:33

The new Alexis Senior Edition.

0:13:330:13:35

Alexis, book a taxi in five minutes.

0:13:350:13:38

Ooh, I don't know,

everyone's in such a hurry nowadays.

0:13:380:13:41

Now 50% more reactionary.

0:13:410:13:43

Alexis, dim lights.

0:13:430:13:45

And shall I also put

the temperature up?

0:13:450:13:48

I expect it's usually hotter

than this where he comes from.

0:13:480:13:51

Really?!

0:13:510:13:52

I'm sorry about her.

0:13:520:13:54

She won't be around much longer.

0:13:540:13:56

Typical!

0:13:560:13:58

And she promised she'd

never put me in a home!

0:13:580:14:02

Excuse me.

0:14:020:14:04

I'm Dr Michael Townsend,

British Heritage.

0:14:040:14:06

I'm Lady Yaxley, chair of the Public

Statues Review Commission.

0:14:060:14:09

Very, very nice to meet you.

0:14:090:14:11

What exactly is going on here?

0:14:110:14:13

Well, quite simply, we're

going to blow up Nelson's Column.

0:14:130:14:15

What?

0:14:150:14:16

No doubt you've heard

about all the hoo-ha in America

0:14:160:14:19

with the Confederate statues,

and the Cecil Rhodes in Oxford?

0:14:190:14:25

Well, the Government is super-keen

to avoid offending anyone right now,

0:14:250:14:28

so they've asked me to have a gander

at all the statues in Britain

0:14:280:14:31

and work out which one is going

to cause the next big stink.

0:14:310:14:34

But Nelson's Column?

0:14:340:14:35

Because of the admiral's

links to the slave trade.

0:14:350:14:37

That's just political

posturing, surely?

0:14:370:14:40

Nevertheless, we think it's

best to err on the safe

0:14:400:14:42

side and blow it up.

0:14:420:14:43

You can't do that.

0:14:430:14:44

He was a great naval tactician,

died a hero's death.

0:14:440:14:47

I mean, he was also a strong

supporter of the slave trade,

0:14:470:14:50

but then this statue doesn't

celebrate his support

0:14:500:14:52

of the slave trade,

0:14:520:14:53

though it could be seen

as condoning it, so...

0:14:530:14:55

It's a very complicated question.

Exactly.

0:14:550:14:58

And what very complicated questions

need are very simple answers.

0:14:580:15:03

I think we dodged a bullet there.

0:15:090:15:11

On we go!

0:15:110:15:13

BBC NEWS THEME PLAYS.

0:15:130:15:15

This is Simone Fredericks,

0:15:150:15:16

and I've been awake so long I can't

drive myself home.

0:15:160:15:19

Prince Harry's girlfriend,

Meghan Markle, is set to move

0:15:190:15:21

to London, prompting speculation

that the couple are

0:15:210:15:23

to become engaged.

0:15:230:15:25

Click here for Meghan's

diet and beauty tips.

0:15:250:15:27

Uh, somebody has just

copied and pasted Buzzfeed

0:15:270:15:29

onto the autocue there.

0:15:290:15:31

Can we stop doing that?

0:15:310:15:34

Nicola, why are we meeting here?

It's proper bracing.

0:15:350:15:38

Almost too bracing.

0:15:380:15:40

Ah, there's no such thing as too

bracing, Wee Mhairi.

0:15:400:15:42

I've brought you here

because I'm going to take

0:15:420:15:44

you on a little sea voyage.

0:15:440:15:46

I want to show you

something important.

0:15:460:15:49

THEME FROM COAST PLAYS.

0:15:490:15:51

Do you know who the bane

of my life is, Wee Mhairi?

0:15:510:15:54

Jimmy Krankie?

0:15:540:15:55

Because people keep

saying you look like her.

0:15:550:15:57

No, you daft dobber.

Theresa May.

0:15:570:16:00

Not only did she put

the kibosh on indyref2,

0:16:000:16:04

but thanks to her hopeless Brexit

shenanigans, Scotland's

0:16:040:16:07

being pulled out of Europe

whether we like it or not.

0:16:070:16:10

And we do not.

0:16:100:16:12

Oh, but don't worry,

0:16:120:16:14

I'm going to cut a few back-door

deals with our European neighbours

0:16:140:16:17

so Scotland is protected

when the Brex-shit hits the fan.

0:16:170:16:22

Our European neighbours?

0:16:220:16:24

I've a crack team beavering away

in a top-secret offshore location.

0:16:240:16:29

Is it the Orkneys?

0:16:290:16:31

Yeah, yeah, it's the Orkneys.

Oh.

0:16:310:16:34

It's just such a beautiful

holiday destination.

0:16:340:16:37

People say that.

What can you actually do there?

0:16:370:16:39

There's loads to do there.

Like what?

0:16:390:16:43

Oh, walking.

0:16:430:16:45

Hiking.

Strolling.

0:16:450:16:47

Wandering.

Roaming.

0:16:470:16:49

Aye, the roaming's dead good.

0:16:490:16:52

This way, Wee Mhairi.

0:16:540:16:57

DOOR CREAKS.

0:16:570:17:00

Behold the Scottish

Partisan Operations Room

0:17:040:17:07

for European Negotiations -

SPORREN.

0:17:070:17:10

It looks just like a call centre.

0:17:100:17:12

It is a call centre.

0:17:120:17:14

Then why does it have

to be so far away?

0:17:140:17:17

Well, we've got to stay under

Theresa May's radar,

0:17:170:17:19

because what we're doing

here might not be

0:17:190:17:21

strictly constitutional.

0:17:210:17:22

Hello, this is Morag

calling from the ancient

0:17:220:17:24

country of Scotland.

0:17:240:17:25

I understand you've been involved

in a Brexit that wasn't your fault.

0:17:250:17:28

I wonder if I could interest

you in a political alliance at all?

0:17:280:17:32

Hello, is that the

Dutch Cabinet Office?

0:17:320:17:35

I'm calling from the SNP

on behalf of Nicola Sturgeon,

0:17:350:17:37

the First Minister of Scotland.

0:17:370:17:39

It's part of the UK.

0:17:390:17:40

The bit above England.

0:17:400:17:43

No, no, no, we want

to stay with you!

0:17:430:17:45

Nicola, I think I've got you a lead.

0:17:450:17:47

Brilliant.

0:17:470:17:48

It's the Cultural

Minister of Slovenia.

0:17:480:17:50

He said he'd consider a meeting

if you can get him tickets

0:17:500:17:53

to the next Biffy Clyro tour.

0:17:530:17:54

At least I think

that's what he said.

0:17:540:17:56

He's quite hard to understand.

Right, give me the phone there.

0:17:560:17:59

Hello, it's Nicola

Sturgeon from the SNP.

0:17:590:18:01

We're a pro-European

constitutional organisation and...

0:18:010:18:02

Hello?

0:18:020:18:04

I AM speaking English.

Aye.

0:18:040:18:06

Hello?

Hello?

0:18:060:18:09

He's hung up.

0:18:090:18:10

Why on earth couldn't

he understand me?

0:18:100:18:13

Do you think it could be anything

to do with you saying Scotland

0:18:130:18:15

wants to be an independent country

with a proud nationalist agenda,

0:18:150:18:18

whilst simultaneously denying

the primacy of national borders

0:18:180:18:21

by claiming you want to be

an enthusiastic part

0:18:210:18:23

of the European Union?

0:18:230:18:25

Shut it, Wee Mhairi,

and go for a long roam.

0:18:250:18:29

Have you recently been

outed as a sex pest?

0:18:300:18:32

Would you like to pretend your

disgusting behaviour

0:18:320:18:34

is the result of an illness,

rather than you're just

0:18:340:18:37

being a total shit?

0:18:370:18:39

Then why not check into

the Some Sort of Therapy Centre?

0:18:390:18:43

The Some Sort of Therapy Centre

is Europe's leading facility

0:18:430:18:46

for everyone from shamed Hollywood

producers to shamed

0:18:460:18:48

Hollywood actor-producers.

0:18:480:18:52

Our team of, presumably, therapists

is here to help you tell the world,

0:18:520:18:55

"It's OK, I'm dealing

with this myself.

0:18:550:18:57

"No need for the police."

0:18:570:18:59

It's the perfect place to relax,

unwind and avoid facing

0:18:590:19:03

the consequences of your actions.

0:19:030:19:05

Our range of treatments

includes

0:19:050:19:07

counselling,

or something like that,

0:19:070:19:09

meditation, probably,

0:19:090:19:12

and generally keeping a low profile

till the heat's off.

0:19:120:19:15

But don't take my word for it.

0:19:150:19:17

Here's just one of our

self-satisfied customers.

0:19:170:19:20

Before I came here, everyone

was calling me a sex criminal,

0:19:200:19:23

which seemed wrong to me somehow.

0:19:230:19:28

But the Some Sort of Therapy Centre

made me realise that I'm

0:19:280:19:30

actually a sex addict,

which means I bear no

0:19:300:19:34

responsibility for all

the horrible things I've done.

0:19:340:19:36

So come to the Some Sort

of Therapy Centre and take

0:19:360:19:39

the first step to a new you,

who's exactly the same as the old

0:19:390:19:43

you but hopefully not facing prison.

0:19:430:19:46

# Oh, cavolo nero #.

0:19:470:19:50

Hello, John.

0:19:500:19:51

Jeremy, what's going on here?

0:19:510:19:53

Well, my brassicas are flourishing,

but that's autumn for you.

0:19:530:19:56

We're meant to be prepping

you for Prime Minister's Questions.

0:19:560:19:59

I only found out you were in your

allotment because you checked

0:19:590:20:02

yourself in on Facebook.

0:20:020:20:03

Let's just take it down

a notch, shall we?

0:20:030:20:05

The workers.

The workers.

0:20:050:20:07

If I didn't get out here

now and again, I feel

0:20:070:20:10

like I spend my entire life telling

adoring crowds that I intend

0:20:100:20:13

to build a fairer Britain,

a Britain where the nation's

0:20:130:20:18

resources are not hoarded

by the elite but shared

0:20:180:20:21

equally in a spirit

of democracy and justice.

0:20:210:20:26

# Oh, Jeremy Corbyn #.

0:20:260:20:30

And I wouldn't want that.

0:20:300:20:31

Let's just get on with it, shall we?

0:20:310:20:33

I've got all the "I've had an e-mail

from so-and-so"s here.

0:20:330:20:36

Shall we just go through them?

0:20:360:20:38

Yeah, if you like.

OK.

0:20:380:20:39

There's one here about

Boris Johnson's gaffe

0:20:390:20:40

regarding that woman in Iran.

0:20:400:20:42

That sounds good.

0:20:420:20:43

Except the e-mail is from

Peter from Peterborough.

0:20:430:20:45

I don't know, maybe it

sounds a bit silly.

0:20:450:20:47

I mean, Peter's OK,

and Peterborough's OK,

0:20:470:20:49

but, "I've had an e-mail

from Peter from Peterborough..."

0:20:490:20:51

Yeah, it's a bit Peter heavy.

0:20:510:20:53

There's one here from

Sheila from Doncaster.

0:20:530:20:55

That sounds perfect.

0:20:550:20:56

Except her question is,

0:20:560:20:58

"What is the Prime Minister's

favourite mollusc?"

0:20:580:21:01

Well, let's just take Peter's

question and say it's from Sheila.

0:21:010:21:04

Violate the sanctity of "I've had

an e-mail from so-and-so"s?

0:21:040:21:07

Well, I wonder if I haven't outgrown

the whole "I've had an e-mail

0:21:070:21:10

from so-and-so"s thing,

John.

0:21:100:21:12

Let me remind you, Jeremy,

that the so-and-sos

0:21:120:21:14

are the ordinary, decent working

people of this country.

0:21:140:21:16

Or have you outgrown them?!

0:21:160:21:17

The workers.

The workers.

0:21:170:21:19

No, it's not that.

0:21:190:21:21

It's just that people aren't really

interested in folksy e-mails

0:21:210:21:24

from Sheila in Doncaster.

0:21:240:21:26

They want to hear from

Jeremy in Islington!

0:21:260:21:30

My unlikely fame is currently our

best bet for building

0:21:300:21:35

a fairer Britain, a Britain

in which a person's prospects

0:21:350:21:38

are determined not by where

they come from or who their parents

0:21:380:21:43

are, but by their own

talents and hard work...

0:21:430:21:47

Oh, put a sock in it, Corbyn!

0:21:470:21:49

Hey, get off me!

0:21:510:21:52

Agh!

0:21:520:21:54

GRUNTING.

0:21:540:21:55

Well, I don't condone that, do you?

0:21:550:21:57

No, there's absolutely no place

for that kind of behaviour.

0:21:570:22:00

HE GROANS.

0:22:000:22:02

So, what are you going

to ask at PMQs tomorrow?

0:22:020:22:04

Perhaps I'll just wing it.

0:22:040:22:06

Whatever I say these

days seems to be right.

0:22:060:22:09

OK, that's it.

0:22:100:22:11

If you care so little

about the working population of this

0:22:110:22:14

country that you'd rather blurt out

random thoughts instead of airing

0:22:140:22:17

their justifiable grievances,

then on your head be it.

0:22:170:22:20

Do you want any Swiss chard?

0:22:200:22:22

No, thank you!

0:22:220:22:24

All right, we've got to have an

editorial meeting.

0:22:300:22:32

We've got a bit of a problem.

0:22:320:22:33

The boss said that we can't put

Brexit on the front page every day.

0:22:330:22:37

We have done for the last year.

0:22:370:22:39

I know, and people are getting

a teensy bit bored.

0:22:390:22:41

We need to get other headlines.

0:22:410:22:42

Now, the World Cup is coming up.

0:22:420:22:44

And what are we looking at here?

0:22:440:22:46

Is it the warehouse staff

from DFS Basingstoke?

0:22:460:22:48

No, it's the England football team.

0:22:480:22:49

ALL:

Is it?

0:22:490:22:51

Yeah.

0:22:510:22:53

Rooney has retired from the England

squad, so the last tabloid-selling

0:22:530:22:56

player has officially left

the pitch, and we're

0:22:560:22:58

left with this lot.

0:22:580:22:59

I mean, who even are they?

0:22:590:23:01

I think that one's Dier.

0:23:010:23:02

They're all bloody DIRE!

0:23:020:23:05

People used to care about England.

0:23:050:23:07

The nation laughed when

Lineker shat his pants.

0:23:070:23:10

They cried when Beckham

got sent off.

0:23:100:23:12

They smiled when Gazza made jokes

about his crippling alcoholism.

0:23:120:23:15

Them's were the days, eh?

0:23:150:23:17

Yeah, and now this lot has

qualified for the World Cup

0:23:170:23:20

and no-one's even noticed.

0:23:200:23:23

It's like the only people that care

about football any more are people

0:23:230:23:26

who actually like football.

0:23:260:23:27

Ludicrous.

0:23:270:23:29

We've got to save the England team.

0:23:290:23:31

We've got to get them

back on the front pages.

0:23:310:23:33

Yeah, but how do we do that now

phone hacking's off the agenda?

0:23:330:23:36

We'll have to go old school.

0:23:360:23:38

Make stuff up.

Puns sell papers.

0:23:380:23:39

Exactly.

0:23:390:23:41

This, apparently, is Joe Hart.

0:23:410:23:43

He's happily married...

0:23:430:23:44

Or is he?

0:23:440:23:45

Yeah, he is, yeah.

0:23:450:23:48

I know, but you track down

a snap of him looking

0:23:480:23:51

a bit saucy at someone,

bit of tabloid magic and, bingo,

0:23:510:23:53

he's Joe Hart-breaker.

0:23:530:23:55

Everybody loves a Casanova.

0:23:550:23:57

This is Harry Kane.

0:23:570:23:59

Harry KANES it!

0:23:590:24:01

I'll go and stick 50 empty

cider bottles in his bin.

0:24:010:24:03

Yeah.

0:24:030:24:04

Suddenly he's a troubled genius.

0:24:040:24:06

You see?

I'm interested already.

0:24:060:24:08

Danny Drinkwater.

0:24:080:24:10

ALL:

Danny Snort-cocaine!

0:24:100:24:11

And we're back in the game.

0:24:110:24:13

BBC NEWS THEME PLAYS.

0:24:130:24:14

The Paradise Papers have revealed

that about £10 million

0:24:140:24:17

of the Queen's own money

was invested in an

0:24:170:24:19

offshore tax haven.

0:24:190:24:21

What are you doing, ma'am?

Surely it's all your own money?

0:24:210:24:24

HER MAJESTY's Revenue & Customs.

0:24:240:24:26

You're only hurting yourself.

0:24:260:24:29

Seriously?

Eros?

0:24:290:24:31

Otherwise known as the Angel

of Christian Charity?

0:24:310:24:35

Or to look at it another way,

it depicts a semi-naked figure

0:24:350:24:38

rampaging around Piccadilly Circus

shooting people

0:24:380:24:39

with a bow and arrow.

0:24:390:24:42

Right.

0:24:420:24:43

EXPLOSION.

0:24:430:24:48

Right.

SHE CHUCKLES.

0:24:480:24:49

What's next?

0:24:490:24:51

Paddington Bear's statue.

Paddington Bear?!

0:24:510:24:53

Illegal immigrant.

0:24:530:24:56

Hello, and welcome to

The Review Show here on BBC Four -

0:24:580:25:02

too smart for BBC One,

too smug for BBC Two.

0:25:020:25:06

Tonight, I'm joined by not one

woman but two, partly

0:25:060:25:10

because there was a booking error

but also because we're discussing

0:25:100:25:13

a new season of female-led TV drama.

0:25:130:25:15

Let's take a look, shall we?

0:25:150:25:18

New to the BBC - a season of those

dramas about powerful women.

0:25:180:25:22

Judge Jane Jones is a no-nonsense

law-maker at the top of her game.

0:25:220:25:26

Objection, Your Honour.

0:25:260:25:27

Overruled and, believe me,

I know when to overrule.

0:25:270:25:31

I am damn good at my job.

0:25:310:25:33

Mummy, you said you'd be home today.

You said you'd take us to the park.

0:25:330:25:37

I would love to, but

I'm too busy judging.

0:25:370:25:40

And because this is drama,

she's bound to snap.

0:25:400:25:42

So, Jane, I hear your ex-husband

took the children away.

0:25:420:25:45

I'm not surprised, as you have

a successful career, so...

0:25:450:25:48

..you can't have a family as well.

0:25:480:25:52

Jane Hart is a no-nonsense surgeon

at the top of her game.

0:25:550:25:58

I know I can save him, damn it!

0:25:580:26:01

I'm the best surgeon in the country,

maybe even the world.

0:26:010:26:03

Hello, David?

0:26:030:26:05

I really need to have

self-destructive sex with someone

0:26:050:26:07

in a way that will bring

about my downfall.

0:26:070:26:09

And since she's powerful,

she's bound to snap.

0:26:090:26:12

The young man you had sex with has

told everybody at the hospital.

0:26:120:26:15

If you will have sex with people,

especially at your age...

0:26:150:26:20

Jane Strong is a no-nonsense

architect at the top of her game.

0:26:230:26:26

I don't want to hear your excuses.

Just get it done!

0:26:260:26:29

Hi, I'm your new colleague,

Claire Foundations.

0:26:290:26:32

I'm also no-nonsense

and at the top of my game.

0:26:320:26:35

I hear you've both gone

for the same promotion.

0:26:350:26:37

One or both of you is bound to snap.

0:26:370:26:41

So, Carol, if I can come

to you first, isn't it great

0:26:490:26:52

to finally see so many female

characters at the top of their game?

0:26:520:26:55

Well, it would be if they didn't

portray all powerful women

0:26:550:26:57

as inevitably psychotic.

0:26:570:27:06

These shows suggest any woman

with a half-decent job

0:27:060:27:08

is destined to self-destruct.

0:27:080:27:09

It's ridiculous.

OK.

0:27:090:27:10

Kelly, I imagine you'd

like to disagree because that is why

0:27:100:27:13

we have two of you.

0:27:130:27:14

No, no, I agree with Carol.

What?

0:27:140:27:15

Women with successful careers

are written like it's some

0:27:150:27:18

kind of character flaw.

0:27:180:27:19

I find that quite offensive.

0:27:190:27:21

But you're both no-nonsense

television reviewers

0:27:210:27:23

at the top of your game.

0:27:230:27:25

Are you not going to violently

disagree and then commit some sort

0:27:250:27:28

of impulsive act that ultimately

leads to your downfall?

0:27:280:27:30

I think you've been watching a bit

too much telly, Martin.

0:27:300:27:33

What if I told you we only had space

for one of you on next week's show?

0:27:330:27:37

Wouldn't matter.

0:27:370:27:38

In real life, professional women...

0:27:380:27:40

Well, that's that

bitch out of the way.

0:27:410:27:43

Would you like to have an affair?

0:27:430:27:45

I thought you'd never ask.

0:27:450:27:48

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