The Best Of Tracey Ullman's Show

# When I was small I used to dance in my mother's bedroom

# Then I grew up and did it again

# And basically I'm still doing the same show

# I did in my mother's bedroom

# And I'll do it till the bitter end

# Cos it's my Tracey Ullman's Show

# Tracey Ullman's Show

# Let's do the show, let's go

# Tracey Ullman's Show

# Tracey Ullman, Tracey Ullman

# Tracey, Tracey, Tracey, Tracey

# Tracey Ullman's Show. #

Let's go.

Merry Christmas. You're watching BBC One.

I'm Clare Balding and I'm your continuity announcer for today.

When they were doing the rota for holiday working

at the BBC this year, lots of people wanted to be away

over the Crimbo holidays, although I can't imagine why,

so I said, "I'll lend a hand on Christmas Eve,

"Christmas Day, Boxing Day, all the way through to New Year,

"whatever you need, because I just want to help."

So here I am with Producer Sue, who's given up her holibobs as well.

But she doesn't mind.

And we're having fun, aren't we, Producer Sue?

Now, this button plays the bits between shows.

Swimming hippos, skating children, and so on and so on.

This one repeats Mrs Brown's Boys,

and so does this one, and this one.

This kills off someone on EastEnders.

And what does this button do?

Oi!

I saw that. Do you want me to call the police?

I don't know what you mean.

-Oh, it's you, isn't it?

-If you mean, is it Dame Judi Dench?

Then yes, it is. How very nice to meet you.

Sorry about that.

There must be something wrong with the security camera.

Yes, well, they can be temperamental.

I loved you in James Bond.

Oh! We just try to tell a good story.

-And thank you.

-What was I thinking?

-Dame Judi Dench wouldn't shoplift. You're a national treasure.

-Exactly.

And because I'm a national treasure, I could get away with anything.

But of course I don't.

Oh, what's that over there?

-Ah, my mistake.

-Well, it's an honour meeting you.

Yes. Lovely to meet you, too.

You have such a lovely shop here.

SHE CACKLES

PHONE RINGS

SHE GROANS

Duchess of Cornwall. What the hell is it?

What? Oh, no, no.

I can't have George.

I've got a very busy day.

Yah.

In ten minutes I'm going to be elbow-deep in my best filly,

trying to turn the bally foal around.

What? What has he done to the baby?

Oh, well, I don't blame him.

They are horrid little things.

When my sister was born I shoved her on the back of our best stallion,

slapped its rump, and we didn't see her for five days.

Yah. Daddy was furious.

Horses with those sort of bloodlines are damn hard to find.

Oh, well.

All right, but just for a few hours.

Bring the little bugger over. WHINNYING

What are you doing, you silly mare?

You'll never get the thing out on your own.

It's going to be a double-glover, Camilla.

Kay!

What is it, Mother?

They're at it again.

Oh, what, with the smoking?

Oh, Lord, it's a disgusting habit, isn't it?

I've told them, but they don't listen, those students.

Are they still there? They've been there since the Silver Jubilee.

Well, they'll be postgraduates now, I should imagine, but...

Well, I'll go and have another word and I'll tell them

to go and do it over by the other fence.

Yes, excuse me, could you just...?

There's a 103-year-old woman in there with a respiratory condition.

Kay!

Yes? Coming, Mother.

Let's try shutting the window, shall we?

Kay!

SIRENS BLARE

This way, Mrs Merkel.

We are the most important,

powerful people in the world and we have to meet in Cardiff.

It is perverse.

It is a joke, no?

It is this British irony that they are so proud of,

that they think nobody else understands.

We understand. It is not so clever.

-Yes. It just means actually not funny.

-Exactly.

Make the O shape with your lips.

No, like this... Oh. Oh.

George Osborne is coming today.

-Oh!

-Perfect.

What are you putting on there, Birgit?

Flesh colour. Natural-ish, but a nice warm flesh.

-Not too warm.

-Nein, mein Chancellorette.

Oh, and careful, Birgit,

or we will get the pouffiness with the hair and then it's all sex bomb,

sex bomb, and nobody can concentrate and the whole meeting is nutzlos.

Now, what are we wearing for the summit?

How about this one?

Oh, nein, that one pushed down on my Bustenhalter at Davos

and George Soros was panting over me.

And then Berlusconi, he had to go to the bathroom for a long time.

His hair dye, it was running, running down his cheeks.

This one?

I'm not sitting in a window in Amsterdam!

Then let's go with the old faithful.

What is this smell?

SHE SNIFFS

Obama!

With a hint of David Cameron's Penhaligon cologne.

He's a hugger.

Oh...

Birgit, do you remember when we went to that dinner at Windsor Castle

with that carpet with a terrible pattern that gave us all a headache?

And the British toilets with the incompetent flush.

I like to speak to the Queen in German.

She pretends not to understand me,

until you insult her children.

Then she hears every word.

THEY LAUGH

That was splendid, Producer Sue.

Oh, hello, have you come to clean the studio?

Can I help? Why don't you take the day off?

It is Christmas, after all.

I can do that for you.

Oh, sherry!

-Shall we drink it?

-Oh, festive tipple.

Yes, please.

ELECTRICITY CRACKLES

Whoops-a-daisy. Oh, clumsy Clare. ALARM BLARES

Clare, I think you've just unplugged Radio 4.

SHE GASPS

I'm a clot. How will people be able to complain about what

The Archers is like these days if they can't even hear The Archers?

Yes, but Radio 4 is monitored by Trident submarines.

If they can't hear it they might think we're under attack

-and launch a missile.

-Oh, is that what happens?

Yes, I'm afraid so.

But in a post-apocalyptic world, somebody will have to set up

a hospital and a police station and a government,

and provide some decent coverage for Crufts.

We could make ourselves really useful,

and then I could present a programme about how we did it all.

-ALARM STOPS

-I think that's it.

-Even better.

Phew!

What's next, Producer Sue?

HORSES WHINNY, DOGS BARK

THUD

-Morning, ma'am.

-Oh, you blithering idiot.

-I beg your pardon?

-You've run over Fifi's paw.

Oh, my God!

Erm, is there a vet nearby?

There. Kindest thing to do.

Right, bar's open. 11am.

-G&T, anybody?

-Er, no, thank you.

Are you sure you'll be all right with His Royal Highness?

Yes, of course. Looking after children's like falling off a horse,

only less fun.

Right, come on, sprog, heel.

Now, do you want to stick a horse's uterus back in

-or do you want to drown a kitten in a barrel?

-Kitten.

Kitten? Quite right. Got to be done.

Runt of the litter, just like Uncle Edward.

-Tractor.

-Tractor? I don't see why not.

Let's go and play with the tractor.

Ladies and gents, Silver Surfers is about you and your needs,

so why don't you tell me why you'd like to get on the web?

Well, my grandson posts videos on the YouTube

and I'd really like to watch those.

-What's your grandson's name?

-Archie Atkins.

You just type his name in the box there and...

Ah, there he is.

As you can see, class, Archie's videos are quite poor quality.

When you see somebody getting it wrong online in this way,

it's important to point it out to them.

We can either post a comment saying he has a voice like a girl or,

option two, how everyone here wishes he were dead.

-What will it be?

-Oh, I don't think...

Wishes he were dead!

It seems a little cruel.

No, that's the brilliant thing about the web, Ethel,

there's no need to bother with all those everyday pleasantries

that slow us down so much in real life.

"Wish you were dead, loser."

Ooh!

It's quite normal to experience a real thrill

when you click that send button.

Now, is there anyone else who'd like some help?

I've always enjoyed sending pictures of my penis to young ladies,

but the cost of stamps nowadays...

I don't suppose I could do it on the web?

Oh, you've no idea, Stan.

All you do is create a JPEG of your dick pic, attach it to an e-mail,

and that will appear in the inboxes of young women across the globe,

-all for free.

-Oh.

I'll be handing out a help sheet on that later.

Yes, Joyce?

I'm quite keen on inciting religious violence and racial hatred.

Is there anything on the internet to help with that?

Oh, no, I'm afraid not.

Oh.

That is a shame.

I'm just kidding. Let's fire up the dark web.

Ooh!

That's £19.50.

AMERICAN ACCENT: May I just say how much I enjoyed riding backwards?

Here you are, my good man.

-Cheers.

-Cheers!

It's a beautiful language.

It's a beautiful country.

I hope it rains later.

It's so quaint wet.

Oh, the room is beautiful.

Will you look at this view?

Look at this light.

Turner painted in this light.

It's so roomy, Hal.

And look at this rail!

You get in, you get out.

It's so thoughtful.

It's a courtesy, I would say.

They are a very courteous people.

Paper's thin, but in an elegant sort of way.

Like an after-dinner mint, refined.

Oh, Hal, come and look!

What?

It's a British pubic hair.

-How do you know it's British?

-It's smaller.

And it's kind of curlier, but it's a tighter curl.

It's the breeding. It's refined, like a short-haired breed.

SHE GASPS It's gone.

Left foot is go and right foot is clutch,

and then you'll work it out as you go.

And try to avoid Grandad's organic gooseberries, all right?

Down on the left. Down on your left.

Oh, Jesus, sprog, it can't be that difficult.

No, don't accelerate!

GLASS SHATTERS

Bloody hell.

(We should wake Howard up.

(It's time to close.)

(He smells disgusting today.)

(Eau de Howard.

(I'll even miss that.

(Let me stamp the last book.)

(Leanne...

(Why are we still whispering?)

(What?)

Well, there's no need for it any more, is there?

(You're right.)

What are you doing?

Well...

I've worn these rubber-soled shoes all of these years to be quiet,

and I'm going to my tap class tonight

and I've always wanted to do this.

-CLACK

-Ah!

Oh!

Tidy, tamping, lush

Let it out, what a rush

No reason, prayer or bribery

Could save our poor old library.

-# Here us scream

-Argh!

-# Hear us shout

-Argh!

# Stamp us in and stamp us out

# Our arses sacked, no ifs or buts

# By a bunch of Tory cuts

# VHS, the old format

# Don't need any more of that

# No more Bergerac

# The Darling Buds Of May

# In 20 years no-one watched you anyway

# Large print, fiction

# Throw it all away

# But I'll take that

# Fifty Shades Of Grey

# No more shush or quiet, please

# End of the line for the libraries

# New world's got a digital look

# Kindle killed the library book

# No place to rest on a rainy day

# Or hide from bullies if you're clever or you're gay

# No more room for the elderly to read the news for free

# New world's got a digital look

# Kindle killed the library book

# New world's got a digital look

# Because Kindle, Amazon

# Xbox, iPlayer

# YouTube, Twitter

# And in many ways porn

# Killed the library! #

Argh!

IN WELSH:

# Oh, Howard, babe

# We will miss your sweet bouquet

# Shakespeare, Shelley and Stephen King

# King, King

# Travel section, order and crime

# Order, order, crime

# Medical emergency and sexual health

# Sex, sex, sex

# Politics and nursery rhyme

# Oh, hold on to your libraries

# Before some horrible twat

# Twattity twat, twat

# Buys them all and converts them

# Into luxury flats

# Luxury flats. #

Cheers.

Do you know what, Producer Sue?

This might be my best Christmas ever.

Isn't it marvellous, being allowed to be at work?

Not really, no.

Oh, Producer Sue, what's the matter?

I was rather hoping to go home, have dinner with my family.

And miss the fun here?

Yes.

Gosh, how odd.

Clare, when did you last have a holiday?

Well, I did have that whole weekend off in May,

although I did the documentary about the royal family on the Saturday.

-I give up.

-Shall I, erm...?

No, don't worry about that, Producer Sue, allow me.

I'm Dame Maggie Smith and this is my Christmas message to the nation.

The Queen deserves a year off, and let's face it,

some people say she's gone a bit stale.

Not me. Au contraire.

This is a time for reflection.

Regret for those who have passed on

and more regret for those who are still lingering about.

It's time to spare a thought for those less fortunate than ourselves,

like those with just the one Oscar.

Poor dears.

It's a time when we ought to think of giving gifts,

and by we, I mean you.

Hampers from Fortnum's and Berry Brothers are acceptable,

but do not buy a goat in my name.

Whenever will I get the chance to feed it?

With my knees.

But in the main, it's a time for hitting the sherry

from one of the aforementioned hampers -

oh, Selfridges, if you must -

and then drunk dialling Benedict Cumberbatch and informing him

of exactly what one would do to him if one was 40 years younger.

And it would take all 12 days, I can tell you.

Well, Barbara, I have to say that this is a hugely impressive CV.

Thank you.

We've seen a lot of candidates over the last few months

and this is amongst the most impressive.

Thanks. Project management is really my specialist area.

I think you can see from my CV that I really do have a lot of experience

with team leadership.

There was just one thing on it,

and I know that Peter and Fiona are curious about it as well.

As we were preparing for the interview,

we googled your name, and it comes up quite a few times, actually,

that you've been convicted of crimes against humanity.

What's that about?

Well, I decided to leave that off the CV

because I think that it's always best to be honest with people.

-Honest?

-Well, in the sense that it's something that happened in the past

and it isn't really relevant any more,

and I would really rather focus on the last two years.

So, what are the details?

Of the, er, what, the crimes against humanity?

-Yes.

-Well, I was convicted about two years ago

in The Hague of crimes against humanity in my absence

and, well, that's about it, really.

Was this a genocide or something?

It was a genocide, yes.

So how many people would have died?

Well, the UN reckons about 15,000,

but I think it was more like 20, maybe 30.

And what was your role in this?

Largely organisational.

I was responsible for the transport and general administrative stuff.

A lot of burials obviously had to be undertaken,

and if you look at it purely in those terms,

I was very successful.

Did you try and stop the genocide at any stage?

I did try to stop it at one stage,

but ultimately it was just easier to go along with it.

Yes, I'm just looking up crimes against humanity here

and it defines it as murder, massacres, extermination,

human experimentation, kidnappings,

unjust imprisonment, slavery and cannibalism.

Guilty as charged.

And the sentence for crimes against humanity was in your absence?

Yes, I wasn't in court, and again, to be completely honest,

it was 25 years.

And you're on the run now, are you?

Yeah.

OK.

I think we are all agreed, that won't...

..be a problem.

It's still a hugely impressive CV.

Yes, it's definitely the best we've seen.

Yes, I think we're all in agreement.

So, welcome to the bank.

Thank you.

Haaaa!

Pat, pit, pit, pot, putt. Ha-ha, ha-ha, ha-ha, ha-ha.

I bet you get this on every movie you do, Judi,

but it's such an honour working with you.

Oh, I'm just playing pretend.

Actually, the main reason I decided to do this

was so I could work with you.

And it's DAME Judi, by the way.

-Can I just check your make-up, Mr Grint?

-Yeah, sure.

-What's this?

-Oh, it was awful.

Somebody came over and did such terrible damage to your tablet.

What, who was it?

An extra, I think.

I wanted to shout but I couldn't.

-I was quite afraid.

-Unbelievable.

You know, the same thing happened to Rickman and Cumberbatch.

Yes, that was very unfortunate.

Both on days they were working with you.

Well, I'm sure you're not suggesting it could have been me.

I'm a national treasure!

I would hardly break all your devices

just for the thrill of getting away with it.

No. No, of course not. Sorry.

-It's an unfortunate accident.

-Yeah.

It's backed up, my laptop's in my trailer.

That's got my whole life on it,

so as long as no-one sets that on fire...

Oh, God forbid.

A plume of smoke would be seen for miles around.

Will you tell the director I'll be right back?

This is a bit of aromatherapy.

It's jasmine,

which is both helpful and beneficial.

I'm just going to pop it over here.

SOOTHING MUSIC PLAYS

Now, if something smells a bit burny,

that's the dusky notes.

Very dusky and very woody.

I'm just going to pop the music up, to really soothe you. VOLUME INCREASES

(Hello. Fire brigade, please.

(Yes, can they pop over as soon as they can?)

You may notice it's a bit hot in the room.

That's to relax you and to soothe you.

SHE MOUTHS

SHE COUGHS

Yes, it's natural to cough, you're just letting the toxins out.

Chancellor Merkel, the staff would love

if you could join them for drinks.

Oh, let's stay, Angela.

A drink would be nice after the long summit.

Well, I've been in a room all day talking, talking,

while Birgit here has been having fun at the London Dungeon, ja?

Ja, but I got you an Anne Boleyn fridge magnet

and apparel from Accessorize.

Oh, I love Accessorize.

They have the best hair ties and the flipfen-flopfen.

-Flippen-floppen.

-Flippen-floppen, ja.

Let me get you a glass of champagne, ladies.

How is my hair, Birgit? Not too sexy and pouffy.

I don't want to look like a strumpet in front of the staff, ja?

-A few words, Chancellor?

-APPLAUSE

I have been talking, talking all day.

Then sing, sing!

# Skiddle-bab, skiddle-bab, skiddle-bab, do-da

# Skiddle-bab, skiddle-bab, skiddle-bab, do

# My economists told me we'd be talking a week

# I said, darling, all these figures, to me it's all Greek

# Everybody, everywhere wants some money

# And they wonder why we Germans don't find things funny

# If you bail out a nation you expect a little gratitude

# But let me tell you, baby, all you get's a lot of attitude

# One long never-ending economic wreck

# At the end of which is Germany, signing every cheque

# I'm the honey with the money and, honey, it ain't funny

# When the honey with the money has to shell out all the money

# And it's funny how the countries that are sunny need the money

# And whose idea was the Eurozone?

# Skiddle-bab, skiddle-bab, skiddle-bab, do-da

# Far, far, far on the autobahn

# Scoo-da-da, scoo-da-da, scoo-da-da, scooden-daden

# Neunundneunzig luftballons

# The pain in Spain gives me a migraine

# They exploit us all in Portugal

# Go to Slovakia, they just attack-a ya

# When you're hanging out with Putin don't put your foot in

# Or else Putin will put his boot in

# There's an inner brute in Vladimir Putin

# Mamma mia, the mess in Crimea

# Crimea, Crimea

# Cry me a river

# Oh, what you gonna do? #

Sing, sing!

# I like soul and R&B

# And Eurovision secretly

# I speak Russian fluently

# Good accent, apparently

# Got a degree in chemistry

# At Leipzig University

# I've never taken LSD

# But she drinks beer occasionally

# Favourite sandwich, BLT

# Her middle name is Dorothea

# Eins, zwei, drei, vier

# Get me an Uber over here

# Ja. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ready?

Everybody have a wonderful time.

THEY LAUGH

DOOR CLICKS Oh!

Hello, ladies.

Hello. We thought everyone had gone home for Crimbles.

Chance would be a fine thing.

Well, look, if you want to head off, I'd be happy to help out.

Here, let me wear the hat.

Merry Christmas.

Ta very much.

Great! We're going to be security guards, Producer Sue.

We're going to stay here all night.

I thought we were going home.

No, we've got the whole BBC to ourselves and no security guard.

We could do anything we want.

What have you always wanted to do?

There must be something.

Bong.

Bong.

Bong.

Bong.

And now the shipping forecast.

Viking, North Utsire,

South Utsire.

West Forties.

Fog patches at first.

Mainly good.

Merry Christmas.

Do you know, there's something I've always wanted to do, too.

STEADY TONE