Episode 5 Tracey Ullman's Show

# When I was small I used to dance in my mother's bedroom

# Then I grew up and did it again

# And basically

# I'm still doing the same show I did in my mother's bedroom

# And I'll do it till the bitter end

# Cos it's my Tracey Ullman's Show

# Tracey Ullman's Show

# Let's do the show, let's go

# Tracey Ullman's Show

# Tracey Ullman, Tracey Ullman

# Tracey, Tracey, Tracey, Tracey

# Tracey Ullman's Show

# Let's go! #

This programme contains some strong language.

Kay!

What is it, Mother?

They're at it again.

Oh, what, with the smoking?

Oh, lord. It's a disgusting habit, isn't it?

I've told them, but they don't listen.

Hm, those students.

Are they still there?

They've been there since the Silver Jubilee.

Well, they'd be postgraduates now, I should imagine, but...hm.

Well, I'll go and have another word.

I'll tell them to go and do it over by the other fence.

Oh. Yes, excuse me, could you just please...?

There's 103-year-old woman in there with a respiratory condition.

-Kay!

-Yes? KAY'S MOTHER GASPS FOR AIR

Coming, Mother.

We'll try shutting the window, shall we?

Kay!

PHONE RINGS

Hello. Party Pieces. Carole Middleton speaking.

Oh, hello, Pamela.

Yeah, I thought you were after some balloons.

Oh, lunch at the club would be lovely,

but I'm afraid I'm a bit busy today.

Yes, we've got my grandson.

King-sitting, Michael calls it.

I know, it's such a lovely age. Yeah.

I know they could afford childcare, but we do so enjoy doing it.

They're here.

RAPIDLY: Anyway, lovely talking. Speak soon. Got to go. Bye.

-Now, did you lock the warehouse door?

-Oh, God!

-It's fine - I'll do it on my way out.

-Out?

Yeah, I couldn't get out of it - I'm meeting a supplier.

-He's very big in bouncy castles.

-SHE SIGHS

But I'll have my phone on,

though reception's a bit patchy on the ninth hole...

and four through six.

DOORBELL RINGS

-Morning, sir.

-Don't mind me. Just heading out.

-Ah.

See you later, then, darling.

Don't curtsy to your own grandson.

Well, he always looks at me as if I should.

We shall pick him up at six.

Oh, actually, could you make it two? I have a hair appointment at three.

Hair?

I have to attend a women and business function tomorrow, and...

Is this in connection with your party ephemera business?

-Yes.

-Ah.

-Problem?

Well, it's just that I feel the Royal household

would rather you didn't draw attention to all of that.

Oh, are they saying don't go?

Well, it's entirely up to you, but, yes.

I see.

So, six o'clock then. 6.30 if the traffic is bad.

-Swords!

-Oh!

And His Highness would like to play swords.

Well, then, swords it shall be.

-Which is treason.

-What?

-It's a grey area.

It's certainly best to avoid contact and to let him win.

There are two plastic swords in his play kit -

the sharper is his.

Oh. Erm... Anything else I need to know treasonwise?

Oh, if in doubt, just Google it.

Right.

HE SCREAMS AND GIGGLES George. George.

Don't do that. Don't do that.

Oh! There we go. Try not to do that. Try not to do that.

Oh! George, George.

We'll do whatever you like.

Warehouse!

No, no, you can't go into the warehouse.

-No, do you want to do a puzzle?

-No.

-Do you want to do some colouring, then?

-No! Door!

-Look, we can't go to the warehouse - not after the last time.

-Peasants!

Where did you learn that word?

Grandpa.

HE THUMPS ON DOOR No, no, no! Not that door!

Yep.

It's five minutes past - that's two of us losing revenue.

Caffe Nero open on time,

and they've offered me a window seat.

That's on now?

Right, good morning to you. I am Dame Maggie Smith.

I'm just recording a tape-ette to demonstrate my range

to wit my suitability for one of those films full of roaring cars.

There's the Australian one,

erm, Peevish Max, Very Much Miffed Max, and...

Well, it's one of those two.

And there's The Fast And The, erm...

Oh, what is it? It's another word that means...high dudgeon. Yes.

I have a driving licence.

It's clean,

except for the double parking incident in Camden,

but talk to Alan Bennett if you wish to know whose fault that was.

So, let's be off.

We do mirror, signal, manoeuvre, and...holy shit-ola!

Someone's on my tail. I'm in a car chase.

Oh, I'm really, I'm really, really flooring it now, as they say.

28mph - only two under the limit.

Get off my car, you ruffian!

Bang, bang, bang, bang.

That was me. That's me shooting one of the feds...

or someone trying to sell me flowers at the lights.

So, there we are.

I'm eminently castable

for any muscle car franchise you wish to reboot.

And just a couple of things -

I don't like changing lanes or turning right at junctions,

but I can jump from one moving car to another while firing a crossbow.

It's just one of the things you pick up in rep, darling.

Oh, Jose, somebody left a fiver underneath that saucer.

HE SNIGGERS I'm just kidding.

Sorry, mate. Love the bants.

You know when I first transitioned into being my own boss -

and that was very much my move, by the way -

I thought I'd miss the whole office thing, you know?

The guys, the teasing,

what was incorrectly called bullying at the tribunal before I left,

but this is just as good.

Except nobody wants to buy your apps.

Well, if that was banter, that's not how you do it. No...

Er, go round the lead, love. Go round the lead. Yep.

You want to break through a tape, run a marathon!

Controversial feminist MP Sally Preston

joined forces with the opposition today

in a surprise move.

The Fem Fight independent was appointed

Shadow Minister for Youth and the Community.

BIG BEN RINGS

OK, so that's my schedule for today.

Darren will be my liaison on all local issues through Pippa's office,

and if there are any press requests, they should just go directly to Jen.

Any questions?

Any not about the tits thing?

Look, we've been through this.

To cover them up suggests an inherent shame in possessing them.

We have to take the tit out of titillation.

They're just a bit...distracting.

Because of the ingrained patriarchal values of your mucky magazines?

No, they just move a lot. It's like being waved at.

Well, just pretend they're not there.

-As though they're covered up.

-Yes. I mean, no. I mean...

Just acknowledge they're there and then forget about them

whilst always being aware that they're there...without staring.

OK? Now, what are the papers saying?

So, we've got Storm In A D-cup,

Breast Of Luck,

Little City's Big Titties

and Big Boob Sal Gets All Members Standing,

and that was in The Guardian.

Jesus Christ. They're bloody animals.

Is there anything we can do about this?

Not that.

IN AMERICAN ACCENT: Oh, Hal, look at this face.

Look at the little British cheeks, they're red like apples.

-Oh, it could be Mr Pickwick.

-Like something from Dickens.

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."

Hal, you have any pocket change?

Oh, which one do I give him?

One of these? These are incredible. Like a pentagram.

Pentagram, hexagon, dodecahedron -

everyone individually crafted, classic British design.

And look at these.

In the States, all our notes are just green,

but here, oh, they're soft, autumnal colours,

like a moor, like Dartmoor.

You've got your purples, you've got your browns.

And on every one, this incredible senior.

-Mm-hm.

-She's quite a gal.

In America, if they put an older woman on a note,

who would it be? Meryl Streep?

Yeah. Caitlyn Jenner.

Here you are, my good man.

Take this dodecahedron and buy your hound some roast beef.

Oh, yes, Pamela, you definitely worry more -

they're not your own. Yeah.

Oh, George, what are you doing with your sandwich? Uh-oh.

Pamela, I've got to go.

George. No, no, no, no, ham doesn't go in the DVD player,

and phones don't go down toilets

-and cats don't go into dishwashers, do they?

-Yes!

Oh, well, we're going to have to agree to disagree on that one.

Warehouse!

No, George, I told you we can't go in the warehouse.

Open door.

All right, we'll open the door, but only if we're quick, all right?

Warehouse!

OK, well, but just for a minute, OK?

Now, no touching the toys, but I know you like it in here.

Just let me put you down here so I can get the crown.

You see, George? I'm a shiny crown now.

SHE GASPS George! Er, George, George, George.

No, no, no. That's old hen party stock.

Don't tell Mummy and Daddy we still have that.

MUSIC: Sex Bomb by Tom Jones

Don't... Don't climb up there.

No, George. George, George, don't open that box.

HE SCREAMS Look, George...

No, no, no, no.

No, George. No.

George, listen to me, listen, listen.

Oh! PARTY HORN WHISTLES

Hello, I'm Cynthia from Guyana Zoological Park.

And this must be the squirrel monkey.

Yes, you know, she's off to be mated.

I've explained what happens

when two squirrel monkeys love each other very, very much.

Well, all the paperwork seems to be in order.

I will take the animal from here.

One, the animal has a name - it's Elsa,

cos she loves Frozen.

And two, I think that Elsa and I would like to know

a little bit more about her new...

WHISPERS: ..boyfriend.

The male has no genetic abnormalities.

Yeah, but...is he gentle?

Is he the sort of monkey that will hold her afterwards?

I'm sure it will be a very beautiful experience for them both.

Did you hear what the lady said there, Elsa? Yeah?

She understands everything I say.

Sometimes I dress the squirrel monkeys in baby clothes,

but they're so little that you have to get the ones for prematures.

I need to leave for the airport.

Right, this nice lady's going to take you now.

Remember what I told you about technique, all right?

Don't let your new fella do anything to you that you don't want to do.

All right, you respect yourself and he will respect you.

You know, you don't have to go through with this -

you just say the word. No-one's going to think the worse of you.

You've been everything to me

since I moved those pygmy hippos to Whipsnade.

SOBBING: Just go. Just go before I embarrass myself. Go, go.

He'll never love you like I love you!

Well, fine! Just go, then, slut!

So, Sally, it's your first day

as Shadow Minister for Youth and Communities.

You've got a lot of support from young people.

I just wondered why do you think that is?

Well, I think an increasing number of young people

are politically engaged,

and they appreciated the conviction of my stance

and they realised that I could bring that resolve

to a wide range of important political issues.

Absolutely, yeah. Those are fair points.

Er... So, er, Sally Preston, our newly elected feminist MP

is with us for the next half-hour,

so stay tuned to 97-99 FM

or you can, of course, watch us online via our webcam.

Right, er, there's some texts coming in just now.

Mos from Fife says they're watching this in the common room

-and they've just bunked off history...

-Oh!

..and Jake from Hull says he's just had a...

Oh! Can't say that.

Yes, well, I'm going to be in New York that week,

but why don't we try to have lunch at The Ivy the week after?

Er, darling, I have to go.

I'll call you back.

Oi! Oi! What do you think you're doing?

-Right, you're going to pay for that.

-Oh... Oh...

Oh, my God. I can't believe it.

-You're Judi Dench.

-The very same.

Actually, it's Dame Judi Dench.

Right. God, I'm so embarrassed.

I thought you were keying my car, but you couldn't have been.

Oh, no, of course not. I'm a national treasure.

-Can I get a photo?

-Yes. How charming. Shall we?

You didn't see who did do it, did you?

No, I'm afraid I didn't, but it definitely wasn't me,

even though I could probably get away with that,

being a national treasure,

but it's not like I go around setting fire to skips

-or throwing cats into the sea just because I can.

-No.

My wife is not going to believe this.

Shakespeare In Love - one of her favourite films.

CHUCKLING: Oh, that.

Yes, I got the Oscar, and it was only eight minutes of screen time.

I felt rather sorry for the other actors.

Oh, man, this is going to cost me a fortune.

Yes, yes.

Well, such a pleasure to meet you.

Oh, yeah, likewise.

SHE WHISTLES

Oh! Sh... What?! Who's done that?!

These are meerkats. Who loves meerkats?

Yeah, that's cos you've seen them on the telly.

Well, some of us have always loved meerkats,

and they know that, don't you?

Yeah. Don't worry, they'll be gone soon.

Any guesses as to who this might be?

Taylor Swift.

Er, it's Anne of Cleves, wife number...?

-Six?

-Three?

-Two?

Four, that's right.

But Anne lived in Germany,

so Henry decided to do something new,

and because a friend told him he had nothing to lose,

he signed up...

Er, he signed up Hans Holbein, a renowned artist of the age,

who went to Germany to paint a portrait of Anne

on which he could judge her potential as a companion.

Well, nothing to be embarrassed about.

You know, he's a busy man with a demanding job, running a company.

Certainly, the description that accompanied the picture

was, I think, a fair reflection of what you'd be getting.

You know, the middling beauty,

it said, "Very short and resolute countenance."

Certainly she liked the pictures of him.

You know, he seemed very nice,

so it only remained to see if he would like her back,

and from the picture, it seemed he did.

SHE SIGHS And then they met.

Hm. Something of a mistake in hindsight.

Apparently, she was not what he was expecting.

The picture did not, in his opinion, fully represent the reality,

despite being relatively recent and taken in natural light,

unlike most of his!

Suffice to say the union was not consummated,

which I think you can only take as an insult,

no matter how tired he is.

But he's Head of Church and State, isn't he?

I mean, he's God's gift to women!

Well, good luck with finding another Jane Seymour,

you fat, grey, boss-eyed heap of...!

Shh!

Oh, yes, quite right.

Yes, let's not obsess over one little...

Er, there's so many more to discover on our tour,

so let's all just...

..keep looking.

Keep looking.

-WOMEN:

-News not boobs! News not boobs!

Yeah, but surely we are on the same side.

Absolutely, which is great, it's just that, erm...

Wahey!

..to the untrained eye, it's confusing.

Just to have your name on the petition would be plenty, really.

OK, OK. Would you like a photo with me signing the...?

No, no, I think the signature does it, to be honest.

OK. There you are.

Well, good luck with it all.

-Are they...?

-Erm...

One is a bit, but there's Vaseline in the car.

Thanks. So, where to next?

Well, I'm afraid the mosque have cancelled.

Oh. Did they say why?

-Well, just straight to the primary school, then.

-Erm...

-Do we have anything?

-Well, The Sun called again.

The answer is still no.

ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS

Sorry. Very, very sorry.

So sorry, so sorry.

It was the traffic. SHE CATCHES BREATH

We are gathered here today

to say goodbye to, er, er...

Angela

and to reflect on her life

as we recall the many wonderful traits and achievements

that made Angela...Hewitt such a special and unique person.

Angela's work as head of molecular research

at the University of South Dako...

Not that one. Er...

Angela was a popular person with a great many friends -

536 to be precise -

and when it came to relationships,

it was complicated for Angela.

But still she loved to entertain,

often regaling her friends with pithy anecdotes

about her journey to work, the weather in the garden

and how much she was looking forward to wine o'clock.

Although she was also, of course, a great lover of food,

keeping an exhaustive visual record of favourite meals.

I'm sure we can all hear her voice now,

stating, as only she could, "Nom, nom, nom."

But Angela also had a serious side.

Wars, to Angela's mind, were generally a bad thing,

as was...Kim Kardashian's new hair,

opinions she would freely share with her beloved Twitter.

Yes, she had only 12 followers,

but let us not forget, so did Jesus.

So, please join me now as we celebrate Angela's life

by singing together her favourite...

One of her top ten songs of last year.

MUSIC: Gangnam Style by PSY

# Oppa Gangnam Style

# Oppa Gangnam Style... #

Come on.

-ALL:

-# Oppa Gangnam Style... #

# Hey, sexy lady

# Oppa Gangnam Style... #

SHE SIGHS AND YAWNS

Well, Jesus...just one more of these.

Mm. Ooh, that's strong.

Oh, he's asleep.

My little heir to the throne.

He's so lovely when he's asleep. DOOR OPENS

Christ. What do you think you're doing?

I told you not to let him in here.

But he asked.

If you keep giving in to him, he'll end up spoilt.

Of course he's going to be spoilt - he's in the fucking Royal family.

-Have you been drinking?

-No.

Maybe...

Just a couple of willies.

Oh, so what do you think it was?

-Hard to tell.

-Hm.

Some kind of cage for an av-iary.

-This was a Victorian fairground.

-Oh.

This is like Coney Island - it's all that's left of it.

Oh, that's right.

Oh, it's so charmingly British.

Like a British version of the Cyclone, right?

-This was the Wall of Death.

-The Wall of Death.

It was lined with planks, huge wooden planks,

and steam trains would go round and round going higher and higher.

I can see the women pressed against the walls

with their crinolines against the ironwork.

-Faster and faster.

-A marvel of the Steam Age.

Designed by I-sambard Kingdom Brunel.

British ingenuity at its best. Well, it's a wonderful thing.

Brunel, he designed the log flume too - I'm pretty sure.

Or was at Robert Louis Stevenson?

Er, yeah, I can see you again, Tryg. I can see you again.

I've got you right there, and, Tryg, Tryg, as I explained,

it is a revolutionary business model,

and designers will be paid, but in experience and savvy.

We're closing now.

I'm talking to Norway, talking to...

We're closed, sir.

All right. Well, pass on Sky Nosh if you want to, Tryg,

but when somebody else is delivering Cornish pasties by drone,

you know, you're going to regret it, yeah?

And don't turn off the Wi-Fi - I'm still on the call.

HE SIGHS

Yeah, just to remind you,

it is called a service industry you're in.

-Er, everything all right?

-Yeah, absolutely.

Hello, sexy.

Ignore her.

Hi, your Royal George-geousness.

So, we won't be seeing him next week because it's Granny Camilla's turn.

Well, actually, the Duchess is in Papua New Guinea

next week and the week after,

and then there's a Highland games

and then the Duchy original jam tasting, so...

Of course there is.

Sex bomb! Sex bomb!

Where did you learn that, Your Highness?

Don't curtsy.

IN SCOTTISH ACCENT: Come all ye, all ye with e-tickets

for a historical tour of murder and horror does begin.

Halt! I hear cries from the past

for it was on this very corner,

one Molly McRae, a lady of the night,

a whore, if you will,

was brutally slain.

The year was 2013.

They found her in three different plastic bags round the back of Lidl.

Now, come on, fellow travellers, lest the ghouls pursue us.

-Oo-ooh!

-Ooh, who is this?

My name is Romana. I am from Hungary.

I was barista,

but in 2014 my boyfriend strangled me outside that pub

after he said I'd been sleeping with his mate,

although I hadn't, as the inquest proved.

Return to the spirit world, Romana!

-May you find peace there.

-Oo-ooh! Oo-ooh!

Erm, excuse me, that's really horrible.

Well, it's a murder horror tour.

But we thought it would be about past stuff.

-Well, it is in the past.

-More in the past.

Well, so, if someone's throat was slashed 100 years ago,

that's entertainment,

but if they were slowly garrotted yesterday

behind Waverley Station bowling alley, then that's bad, is it?

Well, yeah.

We just wanted a nice, normal death and horror tour.

Well, there's no refunds, pal.

Well, I'm going to give you a really bad review on TripAdvisor.

Well, I can write ten good ones for every one of your bad ones.

THEY LAUGH IN DISBELIEF

Well, OK.

My apologies to everybody.

There are some souls that do not want to hear about the dark side.

Now, where were we?

Let us move on to the site of the great Pizza Hut mass maiming!

I'm home!

-MAN:

-'Hi! How was it?'

Oh, you know.

Mummy, I'm a princess.

No, you're going to be an astronaut, like we discussed.

Now, would you be a darling and go and get Mummy's bra?

My tits are killing me.

WATER EMPTIES INTO PLUGHOLE

Hal? Did you hear that sound?

-Huh?

-Did you hear that?

It is just such a distinctly British sound.

Like a babbling brook.

The flow is gentler here, I find.

-A babbling brook?

-A babbling brook - exactly.

Wordsworth might have written about that sound.

Not like back home where the flow is ferocious by comparison.

I find this more preferable - it's relaxing.

Like the flush - I like how you have to try twice.

Like the Queen launching a ship -

that first swing of the bottle doesn't always work,

but the second one, you bet ya.

Yeah. Well, once is enough for the locals.

It's the diet, you see.

Nothing heavier than a scone.

It's sc-on.

No, it's either. I asked at reception.

They're so polite. They make it so you can't be wrong.

Aw.

And the shower - so gentle.

I mean, why get yourself wet all at once?

You know, what's the rush?

Yeah, while we stand there under a jet like a fire hydrant.

Huh, it's no wonder we're shrinking.

Well, the Queen...

Well, I mean, she looks bigger now than she did on the stamps -

what does that tell you?

Do you think we could make our shower English?

Sure.

I'll just break it a little.

You're so smart!