Boycott - Part 1 Twenty Twelve

This programme contains some strong language

# There may be trouble ahead

# But while there's moonlight and music and love and romance

# Let's face the music and dance

# Let's face the music and dance. #

Yes, no, absolutely.

No, absolutely. We're completely up to speed with this.

'It's 07:30 in the morning,

'but Twenty Twelve Head of Deliverance, Ian Fletcher

'has already had his first call of the day from the Mayor's Office.

They're called Priority Lanes,

and there is no higher priority than bikes, therefore if... Argh!

No, I'm fine... Therefore if they haven't got any bikes in them

then they're not Priority Lanes. Exactly, consequentia mirabilis...

No, absolutely.

Great, yes. Well, look. What I'll do is...

Yes, no, absolutely.

I'll get Graham Hitchens, Head of Infrastructure, onto this.

Exactly. Yes, exactly, and the moustache. Exactly, yes.

In fact, better idea, why don't you call him direct?

Because this is exactly...

this whole "Games Lanes" thing is exactly the kind of stuff

that really pushes his buttons.

And we'll take it from there! OK?

Right, absolutely. Yes.

OK, bye. Bye, bye.

-Christ! Morning, Sally.

-Oh, hi.

I mean, what the bloody hell was he like when he was a nine year old?

-That's what I want to know.

-Yes that's, uh.

-How are you today?

-Um, yeah, not bad thanks. No, I'm good.

-Good.

-Have you spoken to Seb yet?

-No, not yet. No.

-I know he's been calling but I could not get Biggles off the intercom.

-Yes, cos, er...

-Do you know anything about the paper towels in the toilets?

-Right...

-They've disappeared.

-Now there's some kind of... I don't know what on the wall.

-I think you might have to ask Kay.

-Kay?

-Yes. I think it's actually something to do with more, er...

-Ahh.

-Changing to a sustainable...

Yes, yes. Whatever. Brilliant.

Um, Seb wanted you to call him as a matter of some urgency, actually.

-Right, OK. I thought he was in India.

-Yes, he is.

-Great. OK.

-I'll just do your knuckles, shall I?

-Oh, no. That's, er, oh. Well, OK. Maybe, then.

-Yep.

Right. No, absolutely. We have to be setting the agenda

otherwise this could get very out of shape, very quickly.

'Overnight, the head of the Algerian Olympic Delegation

'has issued a statement.

'Following a tour of the Olympic Village he is insisting

'on separate worship facilities, after discovering that the Shared Belief Centre,

'which has already been built, does not face Mecca.'

That should give us a bit of, ooh, that should give a bit of, er...

Yes! To assess the... Exactly, yes!

If there is any damage, and I really don't think there will be.

So that's all good.

Absolutely! Yes, will do. Not at all.

OK, bye! Bye, bye, bye.

Right.

Well, this is going to be interesting.

-Yes. You might want to keep still a moment.

-Right, sorry.

-No, that's fine.

-You do realise, I'm completely in your hands, Nurse.

-Yes, no, that's not a problem.

Erm... A couple of preliminaries before we get started. Firstly ticketing.

Oh right, here we go.

Just want to clarify and remove any further fuzziness around this area,

there seems to be a pretty strong view from upstairs

that we all make a point

-of using the official channels when applying for tickets.

-Right.

-The Germans have already got towels on half the seats for the sprint events anyway.

-Yeah, classic.

Well, no. I think the key thing is...

'For this morning's Heads Up,

Ian is joined by Head of Contracts, Nick Jowett,

'Head of Infrastructure, Graham Hitchins,

'and Head of Sustainability, Kay Hope.'

-..it is a completely fair and open process.

-Oh, that's great.

-See you all at the women's ping pong, then.

-OK, good.

-You haven't applied for that as well?

Right, now, the other thing is a reminder that as of this week

-we're going to be a slightly larger family.

-Yeah, what?

I gather Fiona Healey might well be joining us today at some point.

-So that's all good.

-Today?

-Fiona who?

-A bit earlier than we thought, but it'll be great

to finally have Legacy round the table with us here

rather than outside the tent, uh, looking in at the table.

-Great.

-I'm sure we'll all make her feel welcome. Good!

-I thought that wasn't till next month.

-Well, I know.

But as it turns out it's even earlier than that.

-Right.

-So that's all good.

So moving on to the main business now.

I'm sure we've all seen the stories this morning,

and you don't need me to tell you how high the stakes are with this

and how crucial it is that we take a completely...

No, na-ah. Not going to happen. Nope. Hey...

OK, so here's the thing, here's where we're at.

I'm talking now. No-one knows who Sally Gunnell is.

Did she run, did she jump, did she throw stuff? Who cares?

Everyone knows who Sharon Osborne is. It's a no-brainer. Right, I've got to go. OK. Bye.

'Given the potential importance of the Algerian situation

'Head of Brand, Siobhan Sharpe, from PR company Perfect Curve,

'has arrived to join them, despite how busy she is.'

-So.

-Siobhan.

-Hey, guys.

-Welcome.

-OK, so thanks for waiting.

-Um, so first up...

-No, actually we have started, Siobhan.

-Oh, OK.

-If that's OK?

-Sure.

-Good.

So, as I was...

'Ian's immediate priority is to agree an initial response to

'the Algerian statement as soon as possible in order to gain the initiative and to buy time.'

Well, let's cut to the chase with this.

Basically, we're talking about a mosque

-in the middle of the Olympic Village.

-Right.

-Brilliant.

-Now clearly this is a non starter, for obvious reasons.

-Not going to happen. Way too crazy.

-Cos, I suppose once you go down that road, I mean where will it end?

-Exactly.

-Well, Mecca presumably.

Yeah, Mecca, yeah.

On the other hand, crucially,

we can't be seen to be closed to the idea of a Mosque either.

-No, absolutely. No.

-Totally.

-Especially not if we are.

Yes. And at the same time any suggestion of special treatment

on religious grounds

could potentially trigger a wave of reaction

from any of the other religious groups among competing nations.

I'm not being funny here, but, trust me,

-you do not want to annoy the Russian Orthodox weight lifters.

-Right.

-Some of those guys are on, like, four chickens a day already, before...

-OK. Thank you, Graham.

OK. Well, I'm just saying, that's all.

This couldn't be a more delicate issue and we have to get it right.

-Absolutely, yes.

-OK, guys. If we don't whack this racoon first time

-we are looking at a total crap fest here, OK.

-Yes, OK, Siobhan.

-No question.

Bearing all that in mind I think what I want us to focus on right now

is how we move from the problem phase of the problem

to the solution phase of the problem as swiftly as possible.

-Right, yes.

-I'm totally good with that.

-Right. I'm going to say this.

-Nick.

Call me old fashioned,

would anyone notice if the Algerians didn't turn up?

I mean, really?

Right. OK.

As host city for Twenty Twelve,

London prides itself on its multicultural, uh...

..multiculturalness? Er, no.

Prides itself on its... multiculturality.

Can you just check and see if that's actually a proper...

Sure, no a problem.

'By now it's nearly ten o'clock.

'With the press waiting for a response

'to the Algerian threat to boycott the Games,

'Ian has decided to draft a press release himself to save time.'

'And not only that, but Siobhan has agreed to help him.'

The Centre is designed, specifically designed

with the needs of the world's major belief systems in mind.

Christian, no let's put that last. Let's put Islam first.

-OK, yep.

-Good call.

-Islam, Buddhism, Hindu...

-Muslim.

-No we've had that. Hindu. Have I said that already?

-Yes.

-Bugger. God.

-Judaism?

Oh, bloody hell! Yes, brilliant, Sally. Brilliant.

-That was a close call. Judaism.

-Muslim.

-No, we've had that already.

-Na-ah, I don't think so.

-It's possible you haven't been listening.

No, I totally have. You got Islam, you got...

-Well, there you go.

-No, Muslim, Ian. Duh.

-Right.

-And Muslim's kinda like the main shit here, you know?

-OK.

The last thing I want to be is picky about this but,

as far as I'm aware, the definition of a Muslim is one who believes in Islam.

-No. Really?

-Really.

-Yes, actually.

Wow! God, that's like, who knew?

Well exactly. I know. OK right, good. So Islam, Buddhism, Hindu, Judaism. Have I left any out?

-Erm...

-Sounds cool to me. OK, guys, I think we're done here. Let's roll.

I mean are we going to put in Christianity or...

-Oh, God, yes.

-You know, just in case?

-Jesus.

Yeah, hi. It's me.

Don't reply to this, well you won't anyway, you haven't replied to the others...

Since separating from his wife

three months ago, Ian's been living with his sister in Dulwich,

but tomorrow he's due to move into a rented flat of his own.

The only spare set of keys to this flat I'm moving into

are through your bloody letter box, for some reason, instead of sending them to me.

'Laura's been refusing to forward any mail since I left.'

Bills, car tax, credit cards. Complete chaos.

-PRODUCER:

-Why do you think she's doing that?

-God knows.

She's being bloody awkward, really. She's had the locks changed, obviously.

It's so I have to go and pick them up whilst she's there.

-PRODUCER:

-Why do you think she wants you to?

-She's being bloody awkward.

-PRODUCER:

-D'you think it could be because you're moving into your own flat

so that sort of marks a new stage in the whole emotional journey of,

you know, towards, or apart from each other?

-Yes, no. She's just being bloody awkward. PRODUCER:

-Oh, right.

REPORTER: There is a new development, Katie, which is this reaction

from the President of the French Olympic Committee.

He was pretty clear that if the French see

anything they regard as any kind of concession to the Algerian demands

for a Mosque, then they too would be prepared to pull out of the Games.

In the meantime the organizers themselves,

the Olympic Deliverance Commission,

have put out what it's fair to describe

as a pretty carefully-worded statement on this issue.

In it they talk about London as a host city,

which prides itself on its multiculturality,

which I guess is a word we're all going to have to get used to now.

But by the time Ian has got back up to the office,

the stakes in the Algerian boycott issue have suddenly got higher.

Whether that's enough

to take the heat out of this potentially explosive issue,

I guess the next few days will tell. Katie.

-Right, well. Great. Sorry, Katie.

-Yeah, sorry, Katie.

-Brilliant.

-Can I talk to you about Games Lanes?

-Not now, Graham.

-OK.

OK, guys. So here's the thing with this.

We just caught a barrel load of shit here. Let's handle it.

Still, I suppose at least we know multiculturality is a word.

PHONE RINGS Hi, how are you.

-It's leading-edge green technology - they're from Denmark.

-Denmark?

-Yeah, I'll bet it is.

-Yeah, like they know about hand dryers.

Guys, we've got major mission creep, here. Can we focus?

-We've had the wind-up kettle, but this...

-Hang on, wind-up kettle?

With events now gathering momentum by the hour,

Ian has called the team together in the hope of staying ahead of them.

I don't ask for much in life, but where I come from,

you don't dry your hands on your trousers. That's all I'm saying, I don't care who you are.

-How's it going?

-Yeah, not bad.

-Yeah, good.

That contraption could change the world for the better. I really think that.

I've nothing against changing the world, love. It just doesn't dry your hands.

I've just been speaking to Seb in India.

Later today we're hoping to talk to this Dr Benhamadi guy,

and unless we've got something decent to offer him,

we'll be washing our hands of the Olympic Games.

-Hmm, yeah, right.

-Totally.

-So. What have we got here?

The earlier press release may have bought them time,

but Ian's worry now is that they may have already spent it.

OK, what it is, if you look at the plans,

the problem we've got

is that none of the walls of the Belief Centre actually faces Mecca.

But that's impossible.

-The problem is it faces East.

-That's right, isn't it?

No, that's not right. Cos Mecca is only East if you're due West of it.

But there are four walls. There are only four directions.

One of them must be... Just a minute, which way is East?

No, don't start that.

It's upside down.

-OK so East is over here.

-Right, OK.

-Hang on, it's over here.

-Yep.

-Whatever.

Whereas the problem you've got is Mecca

is actually 121 degrees East South East, over here somewhere.

Right. Thank you, Graham.

Currently 909 feet above sea level, no pet shops.

So, short of turning the entire building around...

With the Shared Belief Centre already designed and built,

the task now is to decide what to do about that.

-I mean we could offer them tickets.

-How are we going to get hold of those?

Yeah, I mean, unless they're keen on men's volleyball.

You've not applied for that as well?

The centre of this is an issue of faith and we've got to find a way of addressing that head on.

-OK, what about shoes?

-Shoes?

What if we agree nobody will wear shoes in the Shared Belief Centre.

-Yes.

-Cool.

Yes. I'm not sure that's going to be quite enough to swing it somehow.

What if we get them to take socks off as well.

-Yes, well.

-No, that's wrong. I don't think it works like that.

-Why don't we just hand out free beards to everyone?

-Thanks, Nick.

I'm sorry, we're all over the place. I don't care who you are.

OK, here you go look, "Qiblah, Arabic for direction.

"Also transliterated as Qibla, Kiblah or Kibla."

-Well, yes.

-OK, whatever.

"Direction faced during prayer

"symbolizing the unity of Muslims worldwide under Law of God."

-Right. OK.

-Right, well that's it then. We're stuffed.

It must be possible to have one internal wall

-that faces in a different direction, surely.

-What?

Why can't we build our own Qiblah wall inside somewhere?

-Cool.

-It's going to look like a kid's drawing in there.

-Let's worry about that later, but it must be possible.

-It's surely possible, yes.

Thanks, Ian, that's great. Let's do this. Let's build this wall.

I'll give you the number of the guys that did my kitchen. This is right up their street.

They can measure up this afternoon, they offer a complete service,

but you probably need to decide whether you want curtains or blinds.

Right. God. I mean, I just haven't had time to...

-Of course, not a problem.

-Frankly it's bloody annoying, really.

-Yeah.

They say fully furnished and bugger off with all the curtains in the flat.

-Yes. Very annoying actually. So, in the bedroom...

-Right, yes. Sorry, Sally.

For Ian, finding the time to finalise arrangements for the move into his new flat hasn't been easy.

-What would you suggest?

-Me?

-Yes. Otherwise I'm just never going to make this.

-In the bedroom?

-Yes.

Um, well...

But fortunately, his PA, Sally Owen, is on hand to be there for him.

I'm very lucky with Sally. There are lots of days where you think,

"How could I actually have got through it without her?"

And it's funny cos you think, you know, she's so bright,

why doesn't she just, you know, what's she doing behind that desk?

But then I suppose she seems happy enough so no, I am very lucky.

And then go for something more Venetian in the living room.

-Right.

-And that can sometimes be quite nice, actually.

Well that sounds, I mean, let's do it. Let's go with that shall we?

-Yeah, OK.

-Kay, hi. Come on in.

-We're done aren't we, Sally?

-I think so.

-Have you?

-Oh yes, no that was lovely, thanks.

-Not a problem.

Ian has asked Head of Sustainability Kay Hope to step into his office.

-This won't take a moment. I know how busy you are.

-Yes, absolutely.

I just wanted to mention something to you, that's all.

I'm on my way over to Clerkenwell to meet the hand drier guys.

-Oh right, yes.

-They're going to take me through a few modifications.

-Right. That's great, Kay.

-Everyone's busy, sustainability is the last thing anyone wants to think about.

-Well, that's not true.

That's fine.

Sustainability isn't about being popular.

Sustainability is the centre pole that keeps this whole tent up.

-Well...

-No, it is.

Were it not for that centre pole at the centre then it,

you know, I mean how would we know where the centre was?

If this works, this could go down as the Games that changed the way the world dried its hands.

-Right.

-I really think that.

-That's great, but that's not actually what I wanted to talk to you about.

-Oh, right.

I just wanted to run something past you very quickly.

You know Fiona Healey is probably arriving at some point today.

Right, yes.

I was thinking, it's great Legacy are finally going to have a presence

in the building alongside Sustainability.

And while we're getting an office sorted for her, what with the re-jig,

I was just thinking it might be possible to put a temporary desk in your office...

-A desk?

-Yes, just as a...

-What do you mean? What kind of a desk?

-What kind of a desk?

Yes, actually.

I'm sure Keith will come up with some temporary arrangement that...

Sustainability is not actually about temporary arrangements, actually.

No, of course not. Obviously it's not ideal, but we're talking about a couple of days at most,

and Sustainability and Legacy, well, they, they're...

-Are totally different.

-Well, of course they are, yes.

-Totally.

No absolutely, but at the same time in lots of other ways,

I mean, you know, they're natural bedfellows.

Speaking to a source inside the Foreign and Commonwealth Office

just here behind me a few minutes ago, Katie,

and they were unable to either confirm or deny

the stories that we've been hearing that Morocco is now the latest

country to become involved in this rapidly escalating crisis.

But as the day progresses it's becoming clear that office arrangements

may turn out to be the least of Ian's problems.

Then of course that raises the very real prospect of other Muslim

and non-Muslim countries lining up to support either one side or the other,

which of course is exactly the sort of nightmare scenario

'that Olympic organisers will be desperate to...'

Think I've got the gist of that. So that's all good.

-Ian Fletcher's Office.

-Yeah, can we talk about...

-No, sorry, Graham.

-OK.

Well, problems are just solutions waiting to happen.

Following news of a possible Moroccan threat to pull out

of the Games in support of the Algerians,

Ian has been asked by the Foreign Office to take part in a video conference

with Dr Benhamadi in Algiers and Seb Coe in Mumbai.

No, I can't do that. Sorry, I can't do that.

Yes, no, I'll get him to call you back. The earliest possible.

Right. Yes, of course I will. All right, thank you very much.

Thanks. No. Bye-bye.

-Should be back about four.

-Right, yes.

Maybe five at the latest I imagine, but really who knows today.

-Absolutely, yes.

-Right. OK.

Uh, I don't know whether...

Oh yes, that's great thanks, Sally. I haven't had time for anything.

I just thought, you know, in the cab. Just for energy and potassium.

Yes, no that's brilliant.

-First Aid, curtain fittings, bananas. I mean, where's it going to end?

-Not a problem.

-Ah, right.

-Err.

-I've got a feeling that's Fiona Healey.

-Right.

-Today of all days.

-I'll just tell her to go away.

No, no it's OK.

-I suppose I should just say hello to her quickly.

-Not a problem.

Head of Legacy Fiona Healey has arrived

for her first day in the ODC offices.

You, too. Welcome to Deliverance.

Thank you. You make it sound like a nightclub.

-Well yes, we are pretty funky, aren't we Sally?

-Uh, yes.

-Yeah, no, This is really annoying, but I'm just on my way out actually.

-Oh sure, no worries Ian.

Otherwise I'd give you the full initiation routine myself.

That's a shame, but I'm a big girl. I can figure things out for myself.

In the meantime if there's anything you need, ask Sally,

-because she's basically running the Olympics.

-OK.

-I'm not really, actually.

-Sure.

-Great to meet you and we'll do this properly later.

-Sure, absolutely Ian.

-Bye.

-Right, OK.

-Graham can I, just before you start.

-Yep.

-I just want you to ask yourself, is this so important?

-Yeah, it is.

-No, I haven't finished yet.

-OK.

-Is this so important that it has to be dealt with now?

-Yeah, it is. Yeah.

-Right. Can you walk and talk?

-Erm, yeah.

-Right.

The whole point of Game Lanes

is there's nothing else allowed in there for those three weeks.

As Head of Infrastructure, Graham Hitchins has been talking to

the Mayor's office about the issue of special Games Lanes

on London's roads during the period of the Games.

Now they're saying I've got to phone them back, like today, and talk to him personally,

-like, you know, talk to the Mayor of London.

-OK.

No. It's not OK, is it? Cos what am I supposed to say to him?

I don't know any Latin.

-I think for Boris the thing about bike lanes is their symbolic value.

-Yeah, that's fine.

-You know, as well as their practical value. It's a flagship policy.

-Yeah, that's all fine.

You can have as many symbolic bike lanes as you like, with symbolic bikes.

-In the end you've got real people trying to ride them, though.

-Yes.

I mean, you've got a symbolic bike lane in the middle of the road

where everything else is real, you got a disaster waiting to happen.

Following the Moroccan response to the French response

to the Algerian threat to boycott the Games,

press interest in the developing crisis is growing.

-REPORTER:

-But isn't the problem now how do you stop the Algerians

and possibly the Moroccans pulling out without building a Mosque?

How do you stop the French pulling out if you do?

And in the meantime how do you stop the contagion spreading?

Yes. Multiculturality is the centre pole, of not just the 2012 tent,

which we happen to think is a pretty impressive tent in its own right,

but also of London's tent,

and some would say it's what keeps Britain's tent up today.

In fact without that pole,

it could be argued there wouldn't be a centre at all.

So that's all good, and we take that thought going forward today,

as in consultation with our Belief Partners, we just tension the last few guy ropes

and tighten the canvas of our plans in that area.

OK. Thanks, guys. That's great.

-It's bloody big, isn't it?

-Yes, it is.

-Graham, please don't feel you need to come in for this.

-No, that's alright.

I mean I know you've got a lot on today as it is.

No, that's fine. I've come all this way in a bloody taxi.

Left my money and that in my jacket anyway, so...

-Oh, well.

-And my bloody Oyster Card.

Oh, well look, I can give you 20 quid if you want.

-You don't have to do that. I was going to come in anyway.

-No, no, that's not what...

-Oh yeah, alright, I don't mind. Thanks. Great.

-Right.

So we've got Dr Benhamadi in Algiers, Seb in Mumbai,

though we're having a bit of trouble with that at the moment.

-Right.

-I don't know how familiar you are with the telepresence thing.

-A bit, yes.

Really is phenomenal when it works.

-Here we are. Ian Fletcher, this is Richard Parker.

-Yes, hello, Ian.

Hello. Good to meet you. And this is Graham...

-Oh, yeah, Graham, yeah.

-Yes.

Yeah, I left my Oyster card in my jacket, so...

-Shall we do this?

-Yes.

As Parliamentary Under-Secretary of State

with responsibility for Afghanistan, South Asia, North America, the Middle East

and North Africa, Richard Parker

is a man who doesn't have time to suffer fools either gladly or in any other way.

-Yeah, hi. Oh, right.

-Right. When do you think that'll be?

Cos we're pretty much ready at this end.

Er, London...

The British Foreign and Commonwealth Office.

No, that is in London, I can assure you.

Ian, I haven't talked to this Benhamadi guy personally,

but by all accounts he can be a bit tricky.

-I think we've got a good proposition for him.

-Good.

Unless he's going to insist on a minaret.

Cos however tricky he is, the fact is he's probably our one chance to stop this going nuclear.

-Yes.

-And he knows it.

In my experience a guy like this shapes to put his foot on your throat,

the best way to stop him is to compliment him on his shoes.

-Right, yes.

-Anyway, good luck.

-Thank you.

-So where are we up to, Justin?

Because there's bugger all on telly at the moment.

Yeah, it's looking like we're struggling a bit with Mumbai at the moment.

Anything at all you're not struggling with?

The good news is we're nearly there with Algiers, we should have him any minute.

-Justin's on our fast-track programme.

-Right.

-But he's doing it at his own speed.

-Really?

We used to have this brilliant tech support guy.

He was phenomenal. But he left and he wasn't actually replaced.

Still, chance for the Justins of this world to step up to the plate and not fuck everything up.

Hello? Yes.

Meanwhile back over at the ODC,

newly-arrived Head of Legacy Fi Healey is busy settling in.

-Hi, Sally.

-Oh, hi. Yes, hi.

-OK, so. Most important question first, I guess.

-OK, yep.

What is my best chance of getting a decent cappuccino?

Yes, there's a machine two floors down in the lift lobby actually.

-Right.

-Doesn't take five pences.

-OK, great. Erm, thanks for that.

-Yep, not a problem.

'Hi yes, it's Justin again at the British Foreign

'and Commonwealth Office.

'Yeah. We're just, erm, London. Yeah.'

Yeah, we're ready for Dr Benhamadi now, please.

OK. Shall I do that now? OK, thank you.

-Oh, great.

-OK, right.

-Seb, hi. How are you?

-Excellent.

Seb. Seb. Is this, am I doing this right?

-No, you're fine. He may not actually be hearing you.

-Yeah, no.

Or in fact seeing you. I don't think he can see you.

Yeah, he's not seeing anything.

-Well, here's an idea, shall we sort that out?

-Um, hello?

What he needs to do, he needs to turn his camera on at his end.

Well, no, his camera's on. That's how we can see him.

Yeah, no, but he can't see us so he needs to turn his camera on.

We can see him, he just can't see us.

I mean what is he, blind?

Hi there, it's Justin here. Yeah, London.

You haven't given us Algiers.

Given the potential importance of the potentially four-way video conference,

things have not got off to a good start.

No, it's great, but also it looks like...

I did press four. I did press four. No, it is Lord Coe, honestly.

You're going to have to trust me. It's definitely him. Are you sure?

OK, I'll try that.

Sorry about this, I think we've got a bit of a half-wit here.

That's handy. Between you you've almost got a whole.

-OK, here we go. Oh right, OK.

-Oh, Jesus Christ.

-OK. Right.

-Right, get that off.

-OK, sorry. Hello?

I don't quite, I mean I've never seen that before.

-Yeah, it's plugged up wrong.

-What?

-No, Graham.

-Plugged up wrong.

-Yeah, it's a classic.

-Does your guy know about this?

-Uh, no. Well, I mean he's Head of Infrastructure.

-OK. Well, somebody's got to be.

-I don't think this is really his...

-To be honest, guys, this is basic stuff, actually.

-Even so, Graham.

It seems to me we have tried our idiot

and that doesn't seem to be working.

-So the issue is what have we got to lose by trying yours?

-Yes. Uh...

Even though Graham wasn't originally due to be part of the video conference at all,

fate has somehow decreed that he now is.

You sure about this? I don't think anyone's been behind there before.

No, looks like it.

Hello? No, he's gone now.

Looks like someone's plugged in the whole National Grid round here.

-Graham perhaps it's best to leave this to...

-OK, here you go, here try this.

-IAN SIGHS

-OK, right.

-How's that? Right. OK.

-Graham, I think I'd leave this.

OK so that's that and that's that. OK.

I think we need to think about other ways of doing this.

Thank God you lot aren't organising the Olympics.

-Right. I know what I did.

-Oh, God, no. That's right, you are!

Yeah they're all one out, that's what it is. It's obvious.

Right, so got to take those buggers out again.

-There is a number for help here.

-Is there a number for Dignitas?

OK. Right. So I'm just going to... No, hang on. No, that's wrong.

No, Graham, I really would leave this now.

Hang on. OK, right. Right. Here we go.

-Bloody hell.

-Right.

-OK, Graham, come out.

-OK, got it now. Hang on.

That's actually pretty impressive.

Working under pressure and against the clock,

Graham is prepared to work methodically towards

identifying the correct box and then to think outside it.

-Hang on, where's this one come from?

-How long does it take to fly to Algiers?

-I mean, is there any reason we can't do that?

-Hold on! There he is!

-Jesus.

-Right, Graham, stop.

-We've got him.

-How we doing? Oh right.

-Do you think he can hear us?

-I am hearing you, yes. And seeing you.

Dr Benhamadi, Richard Parker, Under Secretary of State,

very good to see you.

Welcome to our virtual world.

Yes. I have been here for half an hour.

At last, just when it looked least likely,

there's finally contact with the man at the centre of the whole crisis.

It's very good to have you with us now.

Shall we start? We are all getting older.

Exactly, yes. And with that in mind I'd to bring in straight away Ian Fletcher,

-Head of Deliverance for London 2012.

-Hello, Dr Benhamadi.

It's very good to see you at last

and to have this chance to talk things through with you

and to just take the heat out of the, uh, discuss this thing.

I'm sure we all want to be reasonable about this.

Well, of course, reason is a Western obsession.

Well, I'm not sure I'd go as far as calling it an obsession.

Some would say that it is a mirage in the sand,

that it does not bring happiness, that it is inimical to faith.

Right. Yes. Excellent.

But... Dr Benhamadi?

Oh, Jesus Christ. That's a bit unfortunate.

Yeah he looks like one of those...

Oh, what is it? Oh you know. Argh, you know those huge dogs!

Graham, Graham!

My mate Ross, his sister. She's got one and it's a bloody great...

Giant Schnauzer! That's it! There you go with bloody great face. Oh, here you are.

Ah, right. Dr Benhamadi, welcome back. Can you hear us?

-Yes.

-Oh good, because I think we lost you for a moment there.

-Yes. I did not lose you.

-Ah.

-If you people think...

-INTERRUPTED AUDIO

..you are wrong.

-Ah, right.

-No, he's gone now. Yeah.

-Did you just call that guy a dog?

-Yeah, I mean, that's... What?

# There may be trouble ahead

# But while there's moonlight and music and love and romance

# Let's face the music and dance

# Let's face the music and dance. #

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