Episode 1 Two Doors Down

This programme contains some strong language

-FOOTBALL COMMENTARY ON TV

-Come on! We'll pump this lot.

I mean, Malta, for God's sake. What have they ever done?

A falcon!

-Sure you don't want one?

-No, no, you're fine.

I'm still on this diet that Beth put me on.

Diet? Oh, dear.

I'm lucky. I can eat what I want.

My father was the same.

He ate chips every day of his life, and he was like that.

-Aye, some folk are lucky.

-Mm.

-Heart attack, he had, wasn't it?

-Three of them, aye.

-Aye.

I just couldn't bear the thought

of you sitting on your own all night, Beth.

Och, you didn't need to worry. I quite enjoy a night...

Besides, I wanted a wee catch-up, hear all your news.

Well, not much to tell, really, Cathy. Um...

Eric's been at the doctor again.

-Oh, no!

-Uh-huh.

What a shame.

Look! I had my toes done in that new semipermanent stuff.

It is so good.

I kicked the tumble dryer shut earlier, didn't chip.

-So you've been at the dentist?

-The doctor's.

-Have you?

-No, Eric has.

Oh, God.

Tell you what... Open that bottle, I want to hear all about it.

-Oh, Beth!

-Uh-huh.

Bring crisps.

Storage Wars?

Yeah...

Oh, Police Interceptors. I watched that last week.

They chased a man over a fence

and his tracksuit bottoms came down at the back,

so they had to blur it out so you didn't see his crack.

-Oh, Game Of Thrones.

-Jaz, we live in Glasgow.

If I want to watch dwarves stabbing each other,

I can just take a bus into the city centre.

All right!

-Border Force!

-What's that?

People trying to get into Australia smuggling snake meat up their jumpers,

and Chinese women bursting into tears when they get caught with home-cooked food

and they've got to put it in the bin.

I might just go to bed.

-Are you coming, or are you staying up?

-Um, I'll come.

-Ian...

-What?

Do you want to move in with me?

OK.

I mean, I knew he was overweight.

Oh, yeah. Remember when we had the barbecue out the back?

When he stepped onto that decking,

it was like that bit out of Jurassic Park.

It's a worry.

This is what happens to a lot of Scottish men, Beth.

Nice and chunky when they're young.

And then they just turn into big bloaters.

They're saying if he doesn't do something about it,

he could be at risk of a heart attack.

Beth, Beth, Beth, Beth.

Anything happens to Eric, I'll be here for you.

I'll help you get your hair cut,

set you up a profile on PlentyOfFish.

# Mmm-mmm-mm

# Mmmm-mmm-mmm

# Mmm-mm-mmm-mmm-mmm

# Whoa-oa-oa

# Ohh-oh-oh

# Ohh-ohh-oh ohh-ohh. #

I'll tell you who's got it right when it comes to pubs, Eric.

-The Spaniards.

-Aye?

Aye. Tapas.

Cos every time you get a drink, you get a wee bite to eat with it.

A wee bit of sausage, chorizo.

A wee bit of squid, calamari.

Wee croquette. ..Croquette.

-Oh, Christ, give it a rest with all that chat about grub.

-I'm sorry.

Let's just concentrate on the match. That'll cheer you up, eh?

Come on, let's get behind these lads. Scot...

ALL GROAN

Shit. That didnae go in, did it?

It's a disgrace.

It's a... It's an absolute disgrace.

They were humped oot there. Humped. By Malta.

I'll tell you what the problem is, Eric.

-Our lot just arenae fit.

-I know.

They're oot there trying to compete with these European teams

who are in peak condition,

and they're just no' up to it.

-They're no' athletes, Eric.

-No.

You want some chips in your pocket to take in with you?

No, no, no, no. You're good.

That's right, it's your diet. Good man.

I'll tell you, that lot out there

could do with taking a leaf out of your book.

Aye. Anyway, I'm away to my bed, so I'll see you.

Night. Night.

Good night, squire.

Aw, shite.

Mm.

HE SNORES

WATER SPLASHES

What the...?!

Eric!

Eric!

What is it?

-The freezer door's been left lying open.

-How the hell...?

-Well, it wasn't me!

-Uh-huh(!)

So it wasn't you that cooked the oven chips in the big Pyrex dish

that's lying in the sink, then?

I'll get a tea towel.

And I'll bet you've guzzled all my cold meat.

Beth...

-Eric, let me into that fridge.

-Beth, I was starving.

-Eric!

-We got beat by Malta, Beth.

-Oh...

Gone. And my lovely big lump of Irish Cheddar.

Away. I was going to use that for a macaroni.

Well, there's a tin of macaroni in the...

-Actually, I...

-Look at the state of this. I mean, just look at it.

-And you're supposed to be on a diet.

-And I am.

Oh, and look at this lovely big leg of lamb.

The blood's dripped right the way through onto Ian's waffles.

-We can always refreeze it.

-Don't be ridiculous.

Look, what does it say there?

Er... "Use by December 2008".

Not there. There! "Once defrosted, do not refreeze".

Well, you'll just have to bin it, then.

Bin it?! I will not be binning it.

There's hundreds of pounds worth of food in here.

I mean, what about my prawns?

Forget about the prawns. You don't have to worry about the prawns.

Why not?

-Cos I had them with the macaroni.

-Huh!

And you need to be careful with your health.

-Eric, I'm telling you, if you have a heart attack, I will kill you.

-Ow!

What are we going to do?

Well, there's only one thing we bloody well can do.

Cook it!

All right, Mum, see you later.

Bye.

What do you think?

It's the gym we're going to, no' a bloody Pride march.

I'm kidding you on. You look fine.

Listen, see instead of going to the gym,

would it be OK if we went over to my mum's?

-Er, yeah, can do. What's happening?

-She's making lunch.

Let's do it. Should I bring anything?

Aye, some earplugs and a bottle of Gaviscon would be great.

DOORBELL RINGS

-Oh, hello, Beth.

-Hi, Christine. How you doing?

-I'm absolutely shattered.

-Oh.

-Been up all night with this bladder of mine.

-Oh, dear.

Between that and the trapped nerve in my neck,

and our Sophie's guinea pig's about to give birth,

it's like a field hospital in here.

-Do you want to come in for a cup of tea?

-I won't just now.

Actually, I just popped round to invite you to ours.

Oh, no, I don't think so, Beth.

-I'm just not at my best just now.

-Och, that's a shame.

You know me, Beth, I'm a fighter.

But this business with the bladder's just about broken me.

Mum, Dusty's nearly ready to go.

All right, just put a towel down, will you? I'll be in in a minute.

Sorry, I need to go, Beth.

-Oh, what was the occasion, anyway?

-Oh, nothing really.

It's just we've had a bit of a disaster.

A disaster?

-Oh!

-All right?

Oh, thanks, Eric.

You know, my heart just about broke when Beth told me.

I know what she's going through.

I had a soda siphon rupture on me

up at the caravan last year, didn't I, Sophie?

Yeah, you did.

-DOOR OPENS

-Don't panic. I am here!

Oh, give us a hug, missus.

-How are you holding up?

-Och, I'm fine.

See, if that was me, I'd be devastated.

Obviously, your stuff's not as dear. Even still...

I'll give you a wee squeeze, too, eh?

There we are. All better. You all right, eh?

-Well, nobody died, eh?

-Aye, true.

But still, it's a fair old kick in the nuts, though.

What on earth happened?

Eric left the freezer door open by mistake.

-BOTH:

-Oh, no!

We thought maybe it just broke down because it was so old.

-And you can't refreeze any of it?

-I don't think so, Colin, no.

Oh, no, no, no. You're quite right.

I did that once with chicken breasts.

I nearly shat myself in the car.

It can happen to anybody.

Just it always seems to happen to Eric.

Remember when you got that lovely beanbag

and he had that terrible upset stomach?

Cathy, look, please, don't say anything about it to him.

We're just trying to put it behind us and move on.

Course you are, course you are.

It's the last thing you're needing, though, isn't it?

I was just saying to Col, poor Beth,

she has got enough on her plate.

Not any more, she hasn't!

BOTH LAUGH

Anyway, look on the bright side. Chance for a wee get-together.

Exactly, Beth.

What are friends for if they can't get together

and eat a lot of cheap frozen food?

Anyway, best let you get on.

Anything I can do to help, you just let me know.

Well, actually, Cathy,

you could give us a hand getting all this in the oven.

What, now?

Course... Course I can.

Sophie, can I get you a drink of something?

Oh, just an orange juice'll be great, thanks, Mr Baird.

Oh, nothing fizzy for her, Eric. No, no. Her teeth cannae stand it.

-Awfully soft enamel.

-Mum!

The dentist said her baby teeth were like putty.

Are you all right, Christine?

Oh, Colin, no' so great, actually.

-Ah, well. At least...

-I'm back in my collar.

-Well, I noticed that.

-And the bladder's away again.

-Oh, dear God.

-Just the old drips and drops, you know.

And as if that's no' bad enough,

I've started to get this ringing in my ears.

-Ringing in your ears?

-Aye.

-I'll tell you what you want to do.

-What's that?

Gie your doctor a bell!

Cheeky wee bastard.

-Oh, hiya, Colin.

-All right?

-Aye. There you are, Sophie.

Here, Eric, that was a bit of a boo-boo with the old freezer, eh?

Oh, don't you start.

I've been getting pelters off Beth all morning.

Just as well it didnae happen to ours.

We've got one of those ones with the big double doors.

-Do you know how many cubic litres, Eric?

-Er, no.

1,240.

-That's a few ice poles, that, eh?

-I'll tell you how big it is, Eric.

I have got a whole salmon in it. A whole salmon.

I caught it myself when we were up at the time-share.

You want to see the size of this thing. It's...

Well, it's enormous.

-You ever actually held a whole salmon, Eric?

-Um...

Sophie, you ever held a whole salmon?

-No.

-Christine?

No, just fillets.

Well, let me tell you something.

I have.

Right, so how long on the goujons, Cath?

20 minutes at 220.

Right, OK, so they'll go in with the apple tart.

-Oh, that was 200, though, Beth.

-OK, right, so what else is 200?

The sausage rolls and the southern fries.

Right, OK, so the southern fries, the sausage rolls

and the apple tart - 200 for 20 minutes.

No, the southern fries are 15 to 18.

Right, OK, so we'll put them in for five minutes first.

-Which ones?

-Southern fries.

Got you, Beth, got you. It's all under control.

-BEEPING

-What's that noise?

It's the oven, Cathy.

I mean, see that drive up to the time-share,

the scenery is absolutely beautiful.

I mean, the hills, the lochs, the... the wind farms.

It's just beautiful.

I mean, see the last time we went up, the weather was smashing.

We took Cathy's car, got the roof down.

It was gorgeous.

Until we hit the deer.

-Oh, no.

-No, no, no, it was all right.

I mean, Cathy had wipes in her bag.

Cream leather interior, though.

I mean, some of the stitching's still a bit pink.

Right, sausage rolls at the top, Cathy.

Have you not got another oven glove?

Shift that pie to the bottom

and then we'll be able to get some waffles in next to the cod.

Come on!

-I've got the wine.

-Good.

Got it. Wine in the bag. Can you imagine if I dropped it? Smash!

Broken glass, people picking it up, trying to be helpful,

but then ending up cutting themselves

and your mum having to look for plasters!

Sorry. I think I'm nervous.

Why?

Just about telling everyone that we're moving in together.

See, what I was thinking...

I'm not sure today's the best day to tell them about that.

Oh. OK.

Look, I'm really, really pleased about it, honest,

but let's just hang fire and wait till we see my mum on her own.

All right. Fair enough.

That's fine.

Does your mum even drink prosecco?

Give it a couple of hours and she'll drink anything.

-Hello!

-Oh, right, that's Ian and Jaz.

Let me give you that. You hold the fort for two minutes.

-Come in, come in.

-All right, Ma?

-Oh!

-What's that smell? Something in the oven?

-Shut your face. Hello there, Jaz.

-Hello, Mrs Baird.

-How you doing?

-Good, thank you.

-Oh, great. Right, so are you back at work yet?

-Not yet, no.

Listen, I'm so sorry to hear about your freezer.

Och, don't worry about it.

I said to Ian, I can't imagine anything worse, honestly.

Except maybe something happening to your eyes,

or having a fall and your front teeth getting smashed.

There you go. That's for you.

-Oh, thanks! What's this?

-It's just a wee bottle of wine.

We got it at the petrol station.

Um, right, well, let's go through.

-Hi, guys.

-Hiya.

-Hello, Mr Baird.

-Hiya.

Hi, Colin. All right, Dad?

All right, son, yeah. How's it going?

Aye, good. All good. How's you?

Oh, no' too bad, aye, aye. You all right?

Aye, aye.

Good. Good.

Um, this is Christine. She lives next door.

Hello.

Oh, wait till I get turned here.

Oh.

This is Jaz, Christine.

Oh, hello, Jaz. So you're Ian's gay lover.

Mum!

Sorry.

Have you met Sophie before, Christine's daughter?

-Hi, I'm Jaz. I'm Ian's... I'm Jaz.

-Hiya.

Remember I told you Jaz works for the electricity, Christine?

-Oh, does he? Very good.

-But I'm off sick at the minute.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-How come?

-Stress.

-SHE GASPS

Stress! Oh, that's a terrible thing.

Here, you come and sit yoursel' next to me.

You all right, then, young man? Keeping out of trouble?

-Trying my best.

-Not like your old man, eh?

Oh, God, yeah, the freezer, eh? What happened there?

It was an accident.

What it was, was we were out watching the football...

Oh, yeah, the football. What was the score?

-It was 4-0.

-Cool.

To Malta.

Ah.

I've had to have this one back up at the doctor's an' all, Jaz.

-Have you? What's the matter?

-Oh, her scalp's away again.

Her pillow's like the top of a Victoria sponge.

They're saying that's stress, an' all.

-Well, it could be.

-Is it, shite.

She spends all day, every day, sat in the house with me.

I mean, what's she got to be stressed about?

Maybe the seal on the door's away. I mean, you've had it for a while.

We saw good deals on freezers the other day -

on Amazon, I think it was.

Jaz... Jaz, where was it we saw the freezers

that you said to me were a good price?

Oh, Amazon. Chest freezer. 199.

199?

Excellent price, Beth.

We're no' getting a new freezer.

There's nothing wrong with the one we've got.

199, Sophie.

Here, we need to take a run up to this Amazon place, you and me.

Jaz, what sort of capacity are we talking about here?

I'm sorry, but I don't know.

Mind you, every time I think about chest freezers,

I just think about serial killers chopping people up

and stuffing them into wee bags.

I'll just nip through to the kitchen and see how we're getting on.

Any dips?

How are we getting on?

Oh, you're back. Anything else I can do for you?

No, you're all right.

Okey-dokey.

Just let me know when it's time for the broom to go up my arse.

What's in there?

Oriental rice and half a pork chop.

-BEEPING

-Mm...

ignore the beeping. I'm timing it on my phone.

That's maybe it ready now, actually.

SMOKE ALARM BEEPS

This ringing's awful bad today.

I'll need to get straight down to wee McGill on Monday

to see about it.

Here, Jaz... She was harping on about that earlier.

I says to her, gie your doctor a bell!

HE CHUCKLES

You know, a bell. Ringing.

Ah, fuck it.

BICKERING VOICES FROM KITCHEN

You all right, doll?

-So what you been up to?

-Ach, just the usual.

Taking my mum up to the doctor's, then taking her to the chemist,

then taking her back to the doctor's

when she doesnae like what the chemist has gave her.

-Sounds like you could do wi' a bit of change of scene.

-Aye.

But she's got a hospital appointment soon, so...

-There you are.

-How are you?

Good, aye.

Hungry?

Oh, so-so.

God, that's a lot of food your mum's got to cook.

Lucky she's got Cathy in there helping her, eh?

The stuff that was in there,

it's no' Cathy she's needing, it's the bloody Time Team.

And, of course, it was later on, towards the end of 1986,

that was when I took the septic toe

when I was on holiday in the Algarve.

You ever been to the Algarve, Jaz?

No.

Beautiful beaches, but very poorly served

when it comes to 24-hour chiropodists.

-Right, get stuck in.

-Oh, yes!

-There's quiche, chicken wings, apple pie.

-This looks great!

And some mixed veg, braising steak, and a bit of Arctic roll.

Oh, here, Sophie, you get for me. Ian, Sophie'll plate me up. Oh!

-Col?

-Just a bit of everything for me, Cathy.

-Here, Eric, that's the beauty of a buffet, is it no'?

-Aye.

You get a wee bit of everything.

He can't. No red meat for you, Eric.

Cath, put a few sprouts on a napkin for him.

Sprouts? Ho-ho!

Oh, oor Sophie's a nightmare with them. Savoy cabbage, as well.

Oh, I can hear her through the wall when I'm lying in my bed at night.

Pff, pff, pffff.

It's like Transit van backfiring.

-Are you having a good time?

-All right, yeah. Good.

-Nice chat with Christine?

-Yeah.

She was just telling me about her septic toe.

Sausage roll?

No.

Here, Beth...

Beth, here.

You never told me that he was...

He was what?

That he was, you know...

-..English!

-Oh.

Well, it's nice to get a seat.

All right if I take two minutes, is it, Beth?

That all right, is it?

Honestly, she invites you round for lunch

and no sooner are you through the door

and she's shoved a tea towel in your hand

and she's working you like a donkey.

You have done a smashing job. This is a lovely spread.

FOOD CRUNCHES

Lovely crunch in this wee...

these wee...

What is this, anyway, Cath?

This jumper is stinking.

It's cashmere, Colin.

It's just grabbing every ounce of fat there is in there.

Skiddly wee kitchen with no cooker hood. It's like the fires of hell.

What's that, Mrs Baird?

It's either a pakora or a Scotch egg that's gone for a wee walk.

I was saying to Eric, if this had happened to us,

we'd have been cooking from now till doomsday

with all that stuff in our big doubler.

Oh, we would have. Eric, was Colin telling you about the salmon?

-He was, aye.

-You want to see the size of it.

-What's it like, Cathy?

-It's a monster.

That's exactly what it is. It's a monster.

-Col, away and get it.

-Eh?

Go and get it and bring it in so everyone can see it.

-Colin caught it himself, didn't you?

-I did, aye. I...

Well, I bashed its brains oot

with this thing that the... the gillie gave me.

What was it called again?

-A club.

-It was a club, aye.

Go and get it. They're dying to see it.

Look, it's fine, Colin. Sit and enjoy your food.

Do you want a few more... wee brown things?

Get it!

DOOR CLOSES

How are you boys doing?

I feel as if I've hardly seen you.

Probably cos I've been in that bloody kitchen the whole time!

Anywa-a-a-ay, toot-toot.

-So, you OK, Jaz, yeah?

-Yeah, fine, not bad.

Beth said you'd been off work with the stress.

He's going back in a couple of weeks, though, aren't you?

Yeah. Maybe. Hopefully.

Aw, good. So what was it caused it, then?

Was it just a build-up of stuff, or did you have a full breakdown?

Oh, just various things. But I'm feeling a bit better now.

Oh, that's good.

Mind you, must be tough being off,

sitting in the house on your own all day, staring at the walls.

That'll get you down, as well.

I'm not on my own all the time.

Are you no'?

No, Ian's round quite a bit.

-Not every day, though?

-No, not every day.

Well, it will be every day, won't it?

Will it, Ian?

-Eric, out the way, this is hot!

-Right.

-Where's Cathy?

-Er, talking to Ian and Jaz.

This bloody salmon. Who brings a fish to someone's house?

Oh, hi, Cathy. Huh!

Beth, you're not going to believe it.

What?

Ian's moving in with Jaz. Isn't it exciting?

Is that champagne?

Er...

I didn't know what to say. I just panicked.

It's fine. Don't worry about it.

She was talking and staring at me.

Then I started looking at her facial hair

with the bits of make-up in it, and I lost my concentration.

Look, it's OK. Maybe she won't say anything.

Ooooh!

Right, here's to the big move. Here you go, you two.

-Oh, whoopsie.

-Er, what's going on?

They're moving in together.

Here, Beth, get a couple of mugs for you and Eric, get a drink of this.

Here she is!

Oh-ho!

Wait till I get a look at this. There we go.

Oh, Christ! look at the size of that. It's like fucking Jaws.

HE SINGS JAWS THEME TUNES

It was my fault. I wasn't meant to say.

SHE SIGHS

You could have told me you were thinking about it.

I hadn't really thought about it, though.

I asked him to, last night, after dinner.

We had corn on the cobs.

Do you not think you're rushing into it a bit?

Mum, I can't stay here for ever, can I?

I wish I could Sellotape my mouth shut sometimes.

Here, Col, take that. I'm bored of it now.

Col, get a glass. Ian and Jaz are moving in together.

Oh, are you? That's nice. Well, good on you, boys.

S'cuse my fish fingers. A wee flat-share, eh?

No fighting over the biggest bedroom, eh?

Here, Eric, we know where to go

-if we fancy a few cans in front of the football, eh?

-Oh, aye.

Poor Beth. She'll be heartbroken.

I'll need to make an effort

to come over and see her more often, cheer her up.

Are you eyeing up that fish, Sophie? She is, isn't she?

Does she like salmon, Christine?

-Cathy...

-Sophie, look into its eyes.

-Cathy!

-What?

Here, Cath, what say we give Beth and Eric this as a present, eh?

Something to start them off again.

-That is a brilliant idea.

-Well, I'll...

-Beth, take it. I hate salmon.

-Honestly...

It's cos your freezer's no' big enough.

Cath, she's worried it'll no' fit.

See, just take the head off and bend its tail back,

it'll fit in no bother.

Eric, you got a wee hacksaw? We'll just whip its head off the noo.

-What's he saying?

-They're going to decapitate the fish.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

We'll sort it later, Colin. But, cheers, thanks for the thought.

Not at all, squire.

Give it a good rinse under the tap.

That river I dragged it out of is no' the freshest.

It was quite near the caravan site, if you know what I'm saying.

Oh, that's just great(!)

-Sophie, look, just stamp that in with your Pumas.

-Leave it!

Just leave it!

All right, Beth.

It's only a cheap glass. No need to get all Mrs Nippy.

Now, Cathy, I've just about had enough.

Oh, come on, now, Beth. Here, Eric, get her a glass of wine.

She's been up to her eyes in breadcrumbs all day.

-Beth...

-Cathy, thanks for coming over, and thanks for all your help,

and thanks for the offer of the salmon, but we just don't want it.

Excuse me?

As I say, thanks for the thought, but we'll pass on it, thank you.

Eric, what's the problem?

-Beth...

-Shut up, Eric.

CATHY GASPS

I came in here today, Beth, to help you out, as your friend,

as your neighbour,

but most importantly, as your...

..friend.

And you have had me in that kitchen, working me like a bastard, Beth,

with scampi you could beat someone to death with

and tinfoil and sinks and the heat and noises...

Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep, beep-beep-beep!

And then Colin, out of the goodness of his heart,

offers you a beautiful gift of a fish,

and you throw it back in our face.

Is that what you're doing, Beth? Are you throwing fish in my face?

Now, you listen to me, Cathy...

It's no wonder Ian's decided he's moving out.

SHARP INTAKE OF BREATH

-Out you go. Go on.

-Oh!

-Fine.

-Take it.

Mum!

No, no, no, no, no. That is your present, Beth.

Take the salmon, Cathy.

-Colin, tell her. It's her fish.

-It's your fish, Beth.

I don't want it. Take the salmon away.

All right, give it to me!

It never would have fitted in your silly little freezer anyway.

Ha! Right, would it not?

Give it!

Ah!

-Ooh!

-Mum!

INDISTINCT VOICES IN OTHER ROOM

BETH GRUNTS

-Eric, could you move...? Just move oot the way.

-Mum...

What's she playing at?

-Where's my big knife?

-Beth... Beth!

Hold that.

CRACKING

Right!

Everyone happy now?

-Mrs Baird.

-What?

That door's not shut properly.

# Dance to your daddy, my bonnie laddie

# Dance to your daddy, my bonnie lamb

# Dance to your daddy, my bonnie laddie

# Dance to your daddy, my bonnie lamb

# He shall get a fishy in a little dishy

# He shall get an eggy and a bit of ham

# He shall get a fishy in a little dishy

# He shall get an eggy and a bit of ham

# Dance to your daddy, my bonnie laddie

# Dance to your daddy, my bonnie lamb

# Dance to your daddy, my bonnie laddie

# Dance to your daddy, my bonnie lamb. #