Episode 2 Two Doors Down

Nearly done. What do you think?

I don't like it.

VOICE ON TV

Do you want a glass of fresh orange?

-Fresh orange?

-Uh-huh.

-Fresh orange juice?

-Uh-huh.

You know fine well that I don't take fruit juice after my coffee

and before my second tablet.

This programme contains some strong language

Mum, did you see that big Alsatian frae the flats has been

sneaking in and peeing in the garden again?

I've no interest in dogs peeing on grass.

SHE SIGHS

SHE SLURPS

-Do you know if we recorded...

-We did. I watched it, deleted it.

When have you ever seen a mushroom that colour?

Chestnut mushroom!

It's horrible, it looks like...

Like what?

The inside of a dirty nappy.

What is the matter with you?

The matter with me? There's nothing the matter with me.

Right. Well, I'm going up the stairs.

Well, you'll know the way.

What?

Up the stairs.

-Aw, I get it.

-Uh-huh.

Look, Mum. It was just me having a friend over to the house.

What's so bad about that?

Oh, you know fine well that

if you want to have a friend over, that is OK by me.

You only have to let me know when they're coming and I'll

put my good tracksuit on, wipe down my wee table and open a window.

But you, milady, chose to go behind my back

when I was away up at the doctor's getting my ears syringed

to invite this so-called friend over.

Yes. Uh-huh.

-Mum.

-It's not potpourri we need on the half landing, it's a

bowl of peppermints and a selection of johnny bags.

Oh, for God's sake!

And yes, I would like a fresh orange juice.

I'm going out.

DOOR SLAMS

Ya bastard!

Agh!

MUSIC: S.O.B. by Nathaniel Rateliff & The Night Sweats

It'll be lighter when it dries.

It'll be fine, it's only a spare room.

It's Ian's room.

Aye, but we're turning it into a spare room.

It's still his room, though, Eric.

Aye, well, tell him to get his arse round here and paint it, then.

-PHONE RINGS

-Aw, who the hell's this?

Christine, oh, my God!

Right, there's your specs, Christine.

Thanks, Beth. Thank God you were in.

Would you like a cup of tea?

Oh, no, no, no, I don't want to put you to any bother.

You sure?

Just one of those coffees you do in the cafetiere will be fine.

All right, Christine?

Bloody hell, you been at the home baking again?

Oh, ha-bloody-ha.

Her ceiling's come in. Away and make her a cup of tea.

-Coffee.

-Ah, coffee, that's right.

-I'm in shock, Eric.

Is it not a glass of water you're meant to have for shock?

Ah, well, it's fresh coffee with two brown sugars with me.

So, the whole thing came down on your head?

Like fucking Pompeii, Beth.

Oh, that's terrible.

Oh, no warning. One minute I'm sat there quite happy after a row

with Sophie, the next thing I know, I'm sitting there with

a lampshade on my head and picking bits of Artex out my teeth.

As I say, Beth, I'm still in shock.

Oh, Eric, bring a biscuit.

God bless.

So, what were you and Sophie at loggerheads about?

-I don't want to talk about it, Beth.

-OK.

I'm best to say nothing.

Right enough.

-She's been getting pumped.

-Oh.

Every time I've been out at the doctors, Sophie's been

upstairs having sex with a boy.

Every time? Christ, she'll be exhausted.

How did you manage to find out about this?

Pumping?

Well, call it mother's intuition, Beth...

call it logging into Facebook

and having a look at her private messages.

Hit the plunger on that, will you, Eric?

So where's Sophie now?

Oh, I don't know. She stormed out in a huff!

Well, let's not worry about that.

The important thing is that you're both OK.

Thanks, Beth, you're a star.

A bright shining star.

-No trouble.

-Oh, God bless.

You don't have any of those wee pink wafers, do you?

Cos I don't like any of these.

'Yoo-hoo! Beth. Hello?'

There you are.

Beth, wait till you see this, you are going to love it!

-What is it?

-It's the hotel in Egypt I've just booked for me and Col.

Sharm el something.

-Hello, Cathy.

-Oh, Christine!

(She looks like shit.)

Her ceiling caved in on her.

Oh, you're joking!

Anyway, let me fire this up and show you a picture of the pool.

-So it just caved in, did it?

-Aye.

-And what's above it?

-The bathroom.

Ah! You maybe had a leak.

I had more than a flaming leak when it slammed down on top of me,

-I'll tell you that.

-Have you got insurance?

-Aye, I do.

-Oh, you'll be fine.

When I set fire to my kitchen, I got a brand-new one.

How did you do that?

I set fire to it.

I wanted a new one.

-Now, would you look at that!

-Who are you with for insurance?

Oh, what's that one with the dog?

-Eh, Churchill?

-Aye. Well, it better start fucking nodding

when it sees my claim form in front of it.

Sorry about the language there, Beth. It's the shock, you know.

-You're all right.

-It's an absolute bastard, so it is.

-Did you take any pictures?

-No.

Beth, Beth! Infinity pool.

We took pictures of the upstairs toilet when it flooded, didn't we?

Oh, aye, aye, I've still got them somewhere.

Oh, well, I'll maybe have a look at them later on, Eric, if you don't mind.

Beth, Beth! Gold taps.

Could you just leave it a minute, Cathy?

Christine, Eric'll take the pictures for you.

God's sake.

Oh, I don't think I could face going back over there, not at the minute.

Don't worry, Christine, I'll see to it for you.

Eric, get Colin to do them on his phone -

his camera's better than yours.

-You don't mind?

-No, of course not.

I mean, if Beth's having you to stay here for a few days, it's

the least me and Col can do. Isn't that right?

Aye.

Well, here we are, grotbag's lair.

Have you had a tetanus lately?

Christ, she'll have a fair amount of sweeping up to do, eh?

Aye, don't worry, she's no stranger to a broomstick.

All right, let's get this done. I've got enough on my hands over the road.

Oh, aye, what is it you're doing again?

Oh, Beth's got me redecorating Ian's bedroom.

Oh, aye. Empty nest now, Eric.

Chance for you and Beth to enjoy some time on your own.

Yeah, I suppose so.

-Well, make the most of it.

-Aye.

-Before the old age kicks in.

-Yeah, well...

-And one of you dies.

-Oh, for God's sake!

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

-Not that you should be worrying about that.

-No.

No. Anyway, it's usually the man that pops it first.

HE CHUCKLES

What about there?

No, no, that's no good. It's not comfortable.

It's my neck, you see. Keep going.

Right, left a bit, left a bit, left, left, left, left.

That's it, that's it. Oh, that's better there.

DOORBELL

In you come.

-Is she all right?

-Oh, she's fine.

We're just setting her up in front of Homes Under The Hammer.

Mum, are you all right?

Oh, I'm fine.

I just about got buried alive,

but you'll no' be giving two shits about that, will you?

Hello, Sophie.

What's she doing here, anyway?

I texted her, Christine - let her know what was going on.

-What's the matter with you two?

-She's...

Ah, ah, not now, Christine.

She's been what?

What have you been up to, you little minx?

Not now, Cathy.

Let's not go into that just now.

That's right, Christine. Least said, soonest mended.

OK, fair enough.

She's been at the pumping.

Is that her needing filled up with the coffee again?

Oh, Christ, what are we going to do?

-What do you mean?

-We're not actually going to have her staying the night, are we?

-We're going to have to.

-Where are we going to put her?

I'll just have to make her up a bed on the sofa.

Aw, God save us.

Coming down in the morning to see that lying in front of you like Bagpuss.

Put you off your cornflakes for life.

Look, all we're talking about is one person for one night.

Surely we can cope with that.

Beth!

Christine's getting a bit agitated,

so I've said to Sophie she's just to stay as well.

Oh, God!

That was awful nice of Beth to offer to do this for Christine and Sophie.

We'd have offered ourselves if we hadn't been going on this holiday.

-What holiday?

-Egypt. You never been to the Valley of the Kings, Eric?

-No.

-Aye, well, we're not bothering with any of that shite, either.

We're going to the nice bit, Sharm el-Sheikh.

You want to see this hotel we're going to.

It's a traditional Arabian palace.

The waiters all in white robes, a fountain in the shape

of a sphinx, and a wee poolside cafe that does chips and toasties.

All right for some, eh?

I told you, Eric, any time you want.

I'll get you the keys to my pal's caravan over in Dundee.

Just give me the nod and I'll get him to clear it out for you.

That's an awful lot lighter on the tin than it is on the wall.

Oh, Christ, don't you start.

Here, put your big light on and see it properly.

Here, you're no' epileptic, are you, Eric?

HE LAUGHS

SHE SIGHS

Can I do anything?

No, you're fine, Sophie, don't worry.

I'm really sorry about all this.

No trouble. Now, what does your mum take on her toast?

Oh, just butter. But do it all the way to the edges, otherwise

she won't eat it.

-She's a pain in the arse, isn't she?

-Well, she's just...

-It's OK,

I know what she's like.

She's a pain in the arse, aye.

She drives me mental, Mrs Baird.

It's tough when you're a parent, Sophie,

watching your kids grow up, doing grown-up things.

She might give you a hard time now, but when you move out...

When I move out?

Well, eh, in the future you move out.

Well, look at me and Ian.

When he was here, he used to drive me round the twist,

and now he's away doing his own thing...

I miss him.

We weren't even doing anything upstairs.

-Were you not?

-No, we were just sleeping.

-Oh.

We'd already done it on the kitchen floor, so we were knackered.

-I can't...

-Col, she can't see this.

-What?

-She can't see it. It's too wee and her eye's gone.

How could he no' have just done it on a proper camera?

I used to have a lovely big camera that a fucking chimp

nicked off me when I was at the safari park.

Col, put it on the laptop.

It never got the tripod, though.

I'd have rammed that up its wee red arse if I'd got a hold of it.

What did you bring the laptop in here for?

I was showing Beth pictures of the hotel.

I'm thinking of taking Sophie away on holiday next year.

If she behaves herself!

Aw, that'll be nice. Where you thinking?

Rotterdam. You can go the whole way by coach, you know.

None of that taking your shoes off and having folk swab your shampoo.

Right, Christine, look.

Can you see it?

Oh, aye. I can see it.

-No, that's the screensaver.

-Oh. Oh, oh, here, right.

Right, can you see it now?

Oh. Oh!

Oh, for heaven's sake, would you look at the state of that.

All that horrible Artex.

I took a good dozen or so.

Done some panoramic in case you want to get it framed.

THEY LAUGH

-How do I see the other ones?

-Here, let me...

Och, you're fine, I'll do it. Leave it!

There. Now, what have we got here?

WOMAN MOANS

Oh, for God's sake!

Oh, shit! Wait a minute, Christine, I'll...

MOANING CONTINUES

Oh, I see.

-What is it, Mum?

-Well...

What's going on?

Now, now, now, Cathy, look, don't overreact.

Oh, that's not...

-You didn't video yourself?

-No.

Now, Cathy, look, it's obviously a...a spam virus.

Beth, I need the loo.

That's not... You didn't?

No! It's not even my laptop.

-Cathy, look.

-Unbelievable!

-Cathy!

-It's all right, Beth.

It's all right, I'm not going to cause a scene.

-You've been wanking off again, haven't you?

-Now, Cathy!

Just give me a straight answer.

Have you or have you not been wanking?

-Come on, Cathy...

-HAVE YOU BEEN WANKI-I-I-I-ING?!

I... I might have.

I mean, everybody has a wee fiddle with themselves, do they not?

-Eric?

-Er, phoo...

-Right. Out!

-Come on, Cathy.

Get out my sight! You're a...

You're a...

Wee sly wanker.

Toast, anyone?

-Unbelievable.

-I know, Cathy.

-Did you see it?

-I just saw a bit.

I caught a glimpse of a bum

and a pair of shoes with see-through heels.

It's disgusting! I could kill him.

At the end of the day, him and a million other men.

I know that, Beth.

I caught Eric in the hut with the Littlewoods catalogue

and a pump dispenser of Nivea.

Yes, but...

..you weren't trying for a baby, were you?

-Sorry?

-We're supposed to be trying for a baby.

-Oh.

-I mean, that's the whole point of us going to Egypt.

-I mean, at my age, it's no' that easy.

-Oh.

Well, there are lots of people having babies in their late

-for...mid fort...

-SHE LAUGHS

-..all ages.

-We've got all the dates marked up in the calendar,

I'm pumping myself full of hormones, I'm on a special diet.

Don't eat this, don't drink that.

And all the time, he's in front of the laptop with...

with a sheet of kitchen roll, huffing and puffing.

Oh, he's a disgrace!

Look, Cathy, I don't think it's that bad.

When you go back over there tonight, sit him down,

just the two of you, and hash it out.

I'll be doing no such thing.

I won't be going anywhere near him.

I won't be setting foot in that house tonight.

Why, where are you going?

Well, I'm staying here, of course.

I mean, there's people that are addicted to that stuff, Eric.

I know.

It used to be it was magazines.

I remember I found one stuffed in behind our hedge.

-Did you?

-Aye. Ebony Sluts.

Eric, can I steal you away for a minute?

Very happily, yes.

-Right, I need you to go up to the loft.

-What for?

-We need the blow-up bed down.

-How are we needing that down?

I thought Christine was just getting a bed made up on the couch.

And Sophie, she's going in to Ian's room, is she not?

-Yes, that's right.

-So, why do we need the blow-up bed?

Because Cathy's staying.

She's what? Aw, you're kidding me on.

Eric, Cathy's quite upset,

she's in a very vulnerable state at the moment.

Beth, Beth! Sleepover!

Eric, run up to the shop and get us some fags, would you?

HE SIGHS

Let me put it up. Give me the elastic band.

-No, it's fine, honestly.

-Let me put it up.

Obviously it's quite greasy just now, but when it's washed...

Scrape it all back off your face and show off that

lovely big forehead.

Here, Christine, what do you think of that?

Na. Just trying to make her a bit more feminine.

And what's not feminine about her? Apart from the sports socks?

Look at her.

She doesn't want to look like that, does she?

Nobody would want to look like that. Would they, darling?

There's nothing wrong with what she's got on.

In fact, that cardigan was mine for a long time.

And what does Sophie think?

Let's ask her, shall we? Because, unlike you, Christine, I am

interested in what Sophie has to say.

-I just...

-Oh, that might be Colin.

-DOORBELL

Beth, Beth, if that's Colin, I'm not here.

Right you are.

-Ian!

-Hiya, Mum.

In you come.

-How's things?

-Oh, fine.

Christine's ceiling's collapsed, so her and Sophie are staying here

until they can get someone round to look at it.

Cathy's had the mother of all ding-dongs with Colin -

don't ask what about - but she's decided the best

thing would be for her to bunk in here, as well.

Oh, yes, and we've run out of teabags.

-Wow.

-So, how are you?

Erm...

I've split up with Jaz.

Eric, back up into the loft.

HE SIGHS

ENERGETIC PUMPING

Keep going.

Faster.

There.

Now, that's not bad at that.

I'd never have lasted a full night on that couch.

And you're sure you're warm enough with the TWO duvets?

Ah, well, we'll see how I go.

There's a glass of water for you there and the last of the paracetamols.

Thanks, Beth, you're a good spud.

No bother, Christine.

Beth, come here.

(What is it?)

What's the chances of another one of those wee pink wafer biscuits?

Mum!

-CATHY:

-# I shot the sheriff... #

-What is it?

-Ask Dad if I can borrow a pair of his boxer shorts to

sleep in, would you?

What are you doing?

I'm waiting on bloody Cathy coming out the loo.

Have you got a spare pair of boxer shorts?

I'm not that desperate.

# I shot the sheriff. # Bathroom's free, Eric.

Beth, got any cotton buds?

I've been through there trying to clean my ears with a kirby grip.

-Mum!

-Coming, Ian!

# But I didn't shoot the deputy. #

Ian, I told you to open the window.

Sophie, are you not choked with the smell of the paint?

No, it's fine. Ian's farts are blocking it out.

-Hey!

-So, the two of you are all right in here, then?

Yeah. You didn't waste much time gutting this place.

-It's still your room, Ian.

-Aye, just with none of my stuff left in it.

Don't be daft, it'll always be yours.

Ooooh! I'm sleeping in Ian's room.

Sophie, shh, or we'll have your mother up here checking nothing's going on.

"My Sophie sleeping in a boy's room? Oh, no, no, no.

-"I'm not happy about this at all."

-Shh, Sophie!

Christine, Christine, she's trying to turn me.

-Help, I'm on the turn!

-Shush, you two, that's enough.

-CATHY:

-Beth!!

-"Oh, and as for that Cathy Whyte..."

What is it, Cathy?

-Have you got a lamp?

-A lamp?

I want to do some dancing in the mirror. I don't like the big light.

Look, Cathy, do you not think it's time you just went to your bed?

-I don't know about you, but I am shattered.

-Are you?

-Yes!

-How come?

Oh, Cathy, just get to your bed.

-No.

-Cathy, bed!

I don't want to go to bed!

-Bed, Cathy, now!

-Oh, God.

BANGING

Stop it, Cathy!

Now settle down!

Oh, dear God in heaven.

I've never been so glad to get to my bed in my life.

If Christine shouts you in the night, just ignore her.

She'll not shout.

-How do you know?

-She's got her mobile. She said she'll just ring me

if she needs anything.

Good night.

Night.

SHE SNORES

SNORING

CAR APPROACHING

-VOICE MESSAGE:

-Hiya, Ian here, leave me a message after the beep

and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.

HE TRIES TO WHISTLE

HE BLOWS AIR

Ian! Ian!

-Oh, hiya.

-Oh, it's you. You triggered my sensor there.

I thought it was a fox, turns out it's a human being.

-Right.

-What's going on?

I'm just trying to see if Ian's in.

-Not better just phoning him?

-He's not picking up.

Oh, I see. Yous have had a wee fall out?

-Well, yeah.

-Aw, dear, I sympathise with you.

Right, cheers.

Me and Cathy had a wee set to and all.

-Oh, right, OK.

-Well, it was... It was a misunderstanding.

It was quite serious, actually.

I had to cook my own tea.

-Right.

-Still, I shouldn't burden you with it.

-Yeah, I've kind of got enough...

-See, what it is, Cathy's annoyed at me because I've been

watching a wee mucky film or two on the old laptop, know what I mean?

Listen, it was none of your weird stuff. It was just...

just two lassies in a corner bath.

I mean, who doesnae watch it? Well, it would be two guys with you wouldn't it?

Probably in a gym, with baseball caps and designer underpants.

Well, I don't know, you tell me.

But anyway, Cathy, basically, has got it in her head that

I shouldn't be doing that stuff while we're trying for a baby.

But see, I read on the internet that it's better to make sure that

it's all flowing, you know - that it's coming out the boiler

and up through your pipes and into your radiator.

And radiators, as we know, need

to be bled to keep them working.

And hey, you know, that's all I was doing, you know.

I'm just bleeding my own radiator.

Ian! Ian! It's me!

-What do you want?

-Just let me in.

Go home, I'll text you in the morning.

Ian, I'm sorry! Just let me in, I want to talk to you.

-Right, OK.

-Just before you do that.

Listen, I'm sorry to interrupt, but you wouldn't happen to know

if Cathy's awake, would you?

-Look, I don't know, she's in the other bedroom.

-Ian!

-Who's that?

-Sophie.

-What's she doing in there?

She had to come in beside me because Christine's on the airbed.

Christine's on the airbed?

Christine's on the airbed, Sophie's in with me,

and Cathy's in the other room.

Cath!

Don't even look at me! You're disgusting, you're a pervert.

Aw, hiya, Jaz. Have you had your hair cut?

Cath, come on back to the house.

I'm not talking to him.

-Jaz, tell her.

-What?!

Tell her what I told you. She'll no' listen to me.

He's been bleeding his radiator.

That sperm was for Egypt, Col.

Look, I'm coming down.

Why can't you just chill out about stuff?

I'm sorry.

Look, I know I'm a nightmare sometimes

and I know I get stressed about stuff, and I'm really sorry

I shouted at you when you switched the lava lamp off.

And I'm sorry I put your polo shirt in the tumble drier.

-Jaz, I...

-But I only make a fuss because I care,

because... Cos, well, I love you.

Come here.

I was just saying... And there you go.

You all done now?

-Don't let him in!

-Cathy, shhh!

I'm not joking. Don't let him anywhere near me!

-What's going on?

-You're all right, Christine, on you go back to your bed.

Just beat it, Christine!

Oh, I beg your pardon?!

I think they just need a couple of minutes to themselves.

It's very complicated. Something about sperm in Egypt, Christine.

Mum, go back to bed.

There's fucking Sophie wakened up now, as well.

-Get back to your bed, Sophie!

-No.

-What?

No! Stop telling me what to do.

-How dare you.

-You just go...

After the day I've had with a ceiling falling on me and everything...

Mum, just go to bed.

..and you dare to speak to your mother like that!

Shh, shh, shh! What in God's name is going on?

Beth, it's awful. Colin has forced his way into the house

and he's wakened up Christine.

(Hiya, Mrs Baird.)

-Come on, Cathy. Come on back to the house.

-Right, bed!

I've said I'm sorry.

ALL TALK AT ONCE

SHUT UP!

Just everybody, shut up.

Sophie, your mum's just looking out for you.

Christine, you're her mum, but she's practically a grown woman,

so just put a sock in it once in a while.

Cathy, Colin's said he's sorry and he's not going to do it again.

Are you Colin?

No.

-Say it.

-What?

Promise me. Say,

"I will never wank again." Say it.

I will never wank again.

Smashing. And you two?

-We're fine.

-Top marks.

So, can we all, for God's sake,

just get to our beds?

Ooh!

KNOCK ON DOOR

-Are you two awake?

-BOTH: Yes!

Listen, thanks for sorting all that out.

That's all right.

You know you can stay here whenever you want.

You're always welcome, pet.

-Wayhey!

-God almighty. What are you doing, ya clown?!

-Come on, out.

-What's going on, what's going on?

-Nothing, Cathy.

-Oh!

-Come on, shift it.

-Dad, I'm just getting comfy.

-Pillow fight!

CATHY CHEERS

-Ian! Stop it.

-The pair of you,

that's enough noise to wake everybody up!

Oh!

Oh! Ya bastard!

Beth!

# I can't see me loving nobody

# But you for all my life

# When you're with me, baby

# The skies will be blue

# For all my life... #