Episode 3 Two Doors Down

Just beep the horn.

Give her a minute.

Beep the horn!

-HE BEEPS THE HORN QUICKLY

-That is not a beep.

HORN BLARES Oh, for goodness' sake! I'm coming!

HORN CONTINUES TO BLARE

That is a beep.

Thanks. Now, you really think this is all right?

-It's fine.

-I was going to buy a spider plant,

but it's not really a house warming, is it?

I mean cos it's Jaz's flat and Ian's moving in to it,

-which is sort of different, isn't it?

-Look, Beth, relax.

You're right. OK.

Now, honestly, you really think this top's OK?

It's lovely.

-Where you going?

-I'm going to get changed.

HORN BLARES

This programme contains some strong language.

Right, I've locked the back door, I've shut the blinds in the hall

and I've flushed the rest of that soup down the toilet.

Oh, that's lovely.

-Are you sure you'll be OK?

-Aye, you away and enjoy yourself.

Are you watching the tennis later?

US Open - Andy Murray's in the final.

Tennis? I've no interest in tennis.

-You like Wimbledon, though.

-Oh, I love Wimbledon.

Right, that's me. I won't be too late.

Where is it you're going again?

-Just going into town.

-Who with?

-Lauren.

-Lauren?

Yeah, you know Lauren, the one with the piercings.

Oh, ho-ho. Wee Jingle Bells.

Tell her I'm asking for her.

Right, OK.

You away and enjoy yourself.

You're young, I suppose you should be out and about

doing your own thing.

I'll be back about 11.00.

Half ten.

-Freedom! Are they away?

-Aye, it's just us.

Andy, Andy, Andy! Here, what do you think?

Oh, very good.

Are you just yourself or is Papa Smurf on his way an' all?

I've not used these since we went to Sweden.

-What a laugh, honestly. Did I tell you about it, Eric?

-Yeah.

Oh, it was something else.

There was about 70 of us,

all wi' our kilts on, our faces plastered with paint,

and we're charging down the main street of Stockholm shouting...

# We're the famous Tartan Army And we've come to ride you raw

# Ride you raw

# Ride you raaaw. # What a laugh.

And then all the wee Swedish lassies,

-they're running away up the side streets.

-Bloody hell.

Well, I suppose that's the thing about going commando, you know.

I mean, some folk can find it a bit intimidating.

-INTERCOM RINGS

-Ian! That's them, they're here!

Well, answer it!

-Hello?

-'Jaz?'

-Is that Dominos? Is that my pizza?

-'Hurry up, it's raining.'

OK, it was just a joke.

I know it's raining, I'll buzz you in now.

-Will I stick these in the oven now?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No! Actually, actually, yeah.

No, no, no. Actually...

Oh, for God's sake. Are you all right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm fine. Shit!

-The candle in the toilet!

-It's all right, I did it.

OK, good. Do I look OK?

-You look great.

-Not too X Factor?

-No!

And like, sweat patches?

Nope, all good.

OK. OK.

-Hi.

-Hello.

-Hi.

-Hiya.

-Oh, look at you, Jaz.

Look at him, Beth. I like the T-shirt.

He's like one of the wee boy-bandies off the X Factor, isn't he?

Oh, give us a hug.

Oh, God, you're sweating, Jaz, get away from me!

I've got body glitter on.

Oh, this is lovely. Isn't this nice, Cathy?

Oh, uh-huh.

-I wouldn't have put you in a place like this, Jaz.

-No?

No. It's really nice!

-So, how are you doing?

-I'm fine.

Keeping the place tidy for you, is he, Jaz?

-See his room at home!

-Mum!

Oh, you should have seen the state of it.

Damp towels, half eaten plates of food everywhere.

And as for the bedsheets, I mean,

-you could have stood them up on their end.

-Right!

What do you want, a drink first or the guided tour?

-Tour.

-Drink!

MOBILE BEEPS

Oh, that's Cath texting to say that's them arrived at Ian's.

Oh, right.

Aye. I always get her to send me a wee line

when she uses one of those private taxis.

I mean, two women like that in the back of your cab, Eric.

-Aye.

-Well, one.

So did Ian manage to get all his stuff shifted all right?

Aye, aye, didn't need the van in the end.

Well, there you go - you lost a son, but you've saved yourself £45.

Be a difficult time, though. Are you, you bearing up?

Aye, no' too bad.

Beth's the one that's really taking it sore, you know?

Oh, aye, she would. I mean, she's stuck in the house with you all day.

I'll tell you one person

who's absolutely heartbroken to see him go. Cathy.

-Aw, that's nice.

-She's all right now.

She's found someone else to wash her car.

There you go.

-It's an ideal place, this, Jaz, for entertaining.

-Oh, isn't it?

Though weirdly, I've never really had any parties or stuff.

I did get broken into while I was on holiday and some junkies had a kind

of rave in it for a few days, but that doesn't really count, does it?

Well, it's very nice.

Lovely, very classy.

Beth, there's a toilet bag in here that's full of condoms!

Are you warm enough, Mrs Baird?

-Och, I'm fine.

-Cos if you're not, I can put the heating on.

-Oh, gosh, no!

-Oh, is it too hot? It is quite hot.

I'll open a window.

So what's Dad up to tonight then?

He's got Colin over to watch the tennis.

-Oh, he'll enjoy that.

-Uh-huh.

Well, the tennis anyway.

Not too draughty on your neck, is it, Mrs Baird?

I'm fine. Come on, sit down, relax.

Sorry, sorry.

Oh, it's freezing in here!

I knew it, I knew it!

So, have you met any of the neighbours yet?

Not yet, no. They're all pretty all right, though.

Oh, yeah. I've never really had any problems, but then I've always

sort of kept myself to myself, to be honest.

That's the best way, Jaz.

There's nothing worse than overbearing neighbours.

Did you see him in the semis, Murray?

Aye, tremendous.

-With that big flag, eh?

-Aye.

Oh, he's a great ambassador for Scotland.

Show the world we're no' just a load of penny-pinching couch potatoes.

Absolutely! Look, I've got 10% off at the Taj.

Let's phone in a curry.

Oh, no. Look, I can't have a curry.

-Eh?

-No, honestly, I can't. It's this diet.

-Oh, I see.

-Aye. I go back in next week to get weighed

and get my cholesterol checked.

Beth'll kill me if I start ordering takeaways.

Oh, fair enough, fair enough. I respect that.

Look, I don't want to put temptation in your way.

Do you mind if I just get myself one?

-Aw, no, you're joking!

-What is it?

It doesn't start until ten o'clock.

So are you still off work with the stress, Jaz, yeah?

-Yeah.

-I've had that.

-Have you?

-Stress? Oh, yes.

How long were you off for?

Oh, I've never had a job. Christ, no!

Stress is a killer, though, Jaz. You look after yourself.

You take the time to look after number one,

stop running about making sure everyone else is OK.

Do you know what, you're right. That's exactly what I'm going to do.

-Go on through to the kitchen and get us some more ice, would you?

-OK.

And you've got everything you need?

-What like?

-Kitchen stuff, bedding...

Aw, Mum, Jaz's already got all that stuff here.

-You two getting on all right?

-Yes!

-I'm only asking.

I remember fine well when I moved in with your dad.

That was no Swiss picnic, I can tell you.

I was only 20.

I'd never seen a grown man with the meat sweats before,

much less shared a bed with them.

Look, Mum, everything's fine, there's nothing to worry about.

I'm fine, we're fine, the flat's fine.

Now, for goodness' sake, just chill out, would you?

HIP-HOP BLARES

Usher, Beth. Beth, Usher!

Cathy!

# Usher, Usher, Usher

# Let's go!

# Yeah, yeah, yeah. #

That's the time difference, you see, Eric.

When Cathy and I were in Dubai,

it was half past four in the afternoon and here it was...

well, it was a completely different time.

Christ, if I'd known it was starting in the middle of the night,

-I'd have just gone to my bed.

-Aye, but think about it, though,

this is us getting a chance to spend some time

in each other's company, a bit of boys' time.

-Aye?

-Aye!

This is us doing what we should be doing, Eric.

The two males in the pack, the two great apes,

two big silverbacks,

relaxing after a hard day in the jungle, you know,

eating bananas and chasing wee frogs

and using our quiet time

to sit down and chill,

and groom ourselves before the tennis comes on.

-This is murder, isn't it?

-It is, aye.

I know what we could do.

Where's the keys to the hut?

# Cos the players gonna play, play, play, play, play... #

I'll go and check that stuff in the oven.

# Haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate

# I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake

# Shake it off, shake it off... #

Oh.

Oh, I think I'm going to be sick.

Oh, God, no, Cathy!!

-Wait, I'll get a basin.

-No, no, no.

SHE GAGS

No, it's away.

# Shake it off... #

Sit forward, I'm going to high kick over your head. Oh!

# Shake it off, shake it off

# Shake it off, shake it off... #

Right, this'll help kill a bit of time for us.

-You no' got any tighter ones?

-Aye, all right.

OK, who's serving first?

In fact, wait a wee minute, let's do this properly.

Wee drink of barley water before we start.

Hydration, Eric?

Well, maybe just a wee sip, eh.

-Wee wave up to the royal box. Come on.

-Oh, for...

All right, Liz! Here, Kate and Wills up there too.

Here, Kate, where's that wee sister of yours?

-Can we get on with it?

-Aye, all right, all right.

Quiet, please.

Quiet, please.

Senor White to serve.

GLASS SHATTERS

Oh, shit.

# Not sitting down... #

Right, you've had your fun.

Come on, sit down, we'll have a nice chat.

How do you think it's going?

-Fine, yeah, good.

-Do you think your mum's OK?

-Is she having a good time?

-Of course she is.

I just really want to make sure she enjoys herself.

For goodness' sake, just relax, would you?

She's fine, you don't need to fuss.

OK. OK. You're right, actually.

God, I don't know why I get so stressed,

it always works out in the end, doesn't it?

Yeah. Can you give us a hand?

DOOR BELL RINGS

Hi.

Hi.

Erm, I'm really sorry to be a pain,

but would you mind just turning the music down a tiny bit?

-Sorry?

-I hate to ask,

it's just that it is a tiny bit loud.

And the thumping on the floor is a bit...

A bit...?

Well, it's just that we've got a baby downstairs

and we've only just managed to get her to sleep.

No, look it's fine, but

if you could just turn it down a bit, then I'd really appreciate it.

OK. Thanks.

SHE SCOFFS

Who was that?

Cathy! Who was that?

I have never been spoken to like that...in my life!

Cathy!

Em...

Can you see it?

I think so. Come on.

-Come on what?

-Come on, we'll go and get it.

-Are you joking?

-I'm no' joking.

Christ, we cannae go creeping around folk's gardens at this

time of night - we're grown men.

But that's our ball.

HE SIGHS DEEPLY

Where's Cathy?

Oh, hello again.

Hi...

GATE CREEKS Shh!

It's not a fox, Sophie.

Christ, I know they're smart, but they're no' at the stage

of getting up on their back legs and opening fucking gates.

-Have you got it?

-Aye.

Right, come on.

Oh, shit. Christ!

Breathe in, your belly's casting a shadow on the slabs.

Aw, she's coming oot. What are we going to say?

It's OK, I'll...

Who's there?

Christine!

Aaah!

I am a very tolerant person.

-Look, all I was... YELLS:

-I want to talk!

I am a very, tolerant person,

but the way you behaved up there was an absolute disgrace.

I'm sorry. It's just, it's because of the baby...

The baby.

-MOCKING:

-The baby, the baby, the baby!

She's got a baby, everyone. She's got a baby!

Huh, give her a round of applause.

Oh, but do it quietly in case you wake the baby up.

Baby, baby...

# Oh, baby, baby! #

Ba-ba-ba, bb. Shhh!

She has got a baby!

What's going on?

I'm really sorry, guys, I just asked for the music down a little bit.

They're gay, of course the music's going to be loud.

Listen, that's no problem, we'll turn it down.

-Everything all right?

-It's the wooden floors, Mrs Baird.

I didn't want to ask you to take your shoes off.

I could have given you a pair of towelling mules.

-EMOTIONAL:

-Beth, I'm so glad you're here.

What on earth's the matter, Cathy?

Well, she is bullying me with her baby

and he's talking about slippers.

Oh, for God's sake, Cathy!

Look, we'll turn it down. Sorry for any hassle.

NEIGHBOUR: Goodnight then.

Oh, God, you're all the same, aren't you?

Dragging your buggies into coffee shops

and having all your milk heated up in microwaves.

What about us?

What about if we wanted something heated up?

I like things that are heated up,

but if it was up to you, I wouldn't be allowed,

I wouldn't be allowed, and everything I like would be cold.

-I'm just going to...

-Sorry.

-No, no worries.

Right, come on, let's get back upstairs.

I'll get the kettle on and we'll all have a nice cup of tea.

Or another drink.

She's an absolute bitch, Beth.

-She's a total and absolute bitch.

-Shhh. Cathy, come on, back up.

You need to get her evicted. She's evil.

You have EVIL on your doorstep.

A bloody baseball bat! You could have fractured my skull.

Aye, if I'd connected properly.

It was just a wee accident. There's no harm done.

My heart's going like a box of frogs.

I need a seat.

Aye, you get sat down -

takes a lot out of you battering folk in the face.

Excuse me! I got the fright of my life.

Oh, oh, oh, I think I'm taking a pure adrenaline rush.

You're all right, Christine, away back through to your house

-and get a wee glass of water.

-A glass of water?

It's not a glass of water I'm needing,

it's two Valium and a fresh pair of knickers.

I tell you what, Eric, come on, let's get you under the light in

the kitchen and I can have a proper look at you.

See if you're all right.

-What?

-You got the key?

-Mum, did you?

-Um...

Aw, shit.

Oh, ya bastard!

Is it sore?

No, it's tickly. In fact, I might see

if she'll hit me another crack to get rid of the itch.

Listen, Eric, that could've been a lot worse.

-Could it?

-Oh, aye.

If I hadn't ducked out the road, I'd have taken it square on.

-Oh, well, as long as you're all right.

-Oh, come on.

Now, look, we're in this together, we're a team.

-And when is it your turn to take one?

-I already have.

-Have you?

-Aye. I got a right eyeful

when her dressing gown flapped open at the front.

-Horrific.

-Oh!

Ach, you're fine. Now listen,

we need to do something to get her out of here.

If she hears that we've got a curry on the way

and that we're sitting up, Christ, we'll never get shot of her!

Right, Christine.

That's me examined him, and I reckon he's all right.

He just needs a bit of the old R&R.

I was just thinking,

I've got a couple of pain killers next door that you are welcome to.

The vet gave me them for when that big German Shepherd

we had came back from getting its knackers off.

But provided you don't take them on an empty stomach, they're fine.

No, you're all right.

I'm just going to go up to my bed.

Aye. Come on now, Christine, I'll need to get him upstairs

-and into his jammies.

-Eh? Oh, aye...

Into your old jim jams and snuggle down.

Oh, well, I'll just leave the pair of you to it then, eh?

Goodnight.

Here, Colin, you couldnae see me to my door, could you?

I don't like being out on my own in the dark.

You've nothing to worry about, Christine.

Takeaway.

Oh, thanks very much, son.

On you go, Colin.

-If only I'd left that window open.

-Why did you shut it?

You asked him to!

Ah! I...

Oh, so I did.

Sorry, Ian, I never thought.

I just let the door shut behind me. I wasn't thinking.

Mum, honestly, don't worry about it.

No point blaming yourself, Beth, it's nobody's fault.

Well, it sort of is actually, Cathy, when you think about it.

-Sorry?

-Well, it is someone's fault, isn't it?

Oh, you're right, Ian.

That cow downstairs owes you an apology big time.

Huh?

As I say, normally I don't take a curry

but I'll try a wee bit of this one seeing as you're offering.

Have you no' got a bit of naan for dunking in that sauce, no?

-That's the lot, I'm afraid, Christine.

-That's funny,

I counted five foil cartons in that bag.

Oh! Oh, spicy that, isn't it?

I'll need a wee glass of milk to wash that down,

take the heat oot all the things in my gullet.

-Are you not having any, Eric, no?

-No. I'm on a diet.

Aw, that's a shame.

Oh, just rip a bit off of that for me, will you there?

Just...just shove it on the side of my plate. Dirty big naan, eh?

-Is this the Taj, is it?

-It is, aye.

Normally, I don't like their stuff,

but I'm actually quite enjoying this.

SHE GIGGLES DOOR BELL RINGS

Oh, who the hell?

Colin, you go, will you?

Oh-ho-ho, soft as you like, Eric.

It's just grabbing onto that sauce like a sponge!

-Sophie.

-Hi, Mr Whyte. Is my mum here?

-Aye, she's through here, pet.

-Oh, oh.

There she is. Oh, thank God you're here, Sophie.

Mum, are you all right?

No, no really. I've had a terrible fright.

Oh, my adrenaline's away up.

Christine, you not going manage that?

Leave it! Oh, dear. Oh.

SLURRED SINGING

SHE HICCUPS

SLURRED SINGING

Is that all right for you, Sophie?

I'm no' really hungry.

Whatever she doesn't eat I'll have.

Mind you, she's got to be careful -

anything too spicy, she'll shit like a pup.

Here, look. Eric couldn't resist.

-Greedy bastard.

-Mum!

-SHE BREAKS WIND

-Oh, dear.

I'll sweat in ma bed tonight, I'll tell you. Brr!

Are you sure you don't mind us staying?

You're not phoning a 24-hour locksmith.

Especially not at this time of night.

Just come in, stay as long as you like.

Right. Thanks, Cathy.

Mr Baird won't mind us disturbing him, will he, Mrs Baird?

Ach, no, they'll just be sitting watching the tennis.

So, did you have a good evening then, eh?

Em, yeah.

Wee Jingle Bells all right, is she?

Aye, she's fine.

What's that on your neck?

DOOR OPENS Hello, it's me.

Oh, for... Sophie, take this quick.

Ach, shit!

What's going on?

Oh, here she is.

You're back early, are you no'?

Never mind that, what's all this?

It's just a few wee snacks. I'm no' having any.

Oh, lying wee monkey!

Oh, Colin, it's been a nightmare.

You've no idea what I've been through tonight.

Smells nice.

Oh, there he is, my wee pal, Jaz.

Come on, Jaz, you sit yourself down here.

Have a bit of this naan.

You got bicarbonate of soda, Beth, lift this tikka masala?

Sophie's got most of the lamb up.

Eric. Kitchen, now!

Is it coming off?

I think that's going to stain.

Serves her right for having such a light-coloured fucking rug.

What's been going on?

What do you mean what's been going on?

I go out for the night and come back to the place

looking like a bomb-site, Christine tucking in to a curry and...

What's happened to your face?

-There was an accident.

-What sort of an accident?

Christine hit me in the face with a baseball bat.

SHE GASPS INCREDULOUSLY Why did she do that?

Oh, it's a long story.

Well, tell me it - especially the bit where Christine hits

you on the face with a baseball bat.

Look, all I wanted was a quiet night in,

sat down in front of the telly watching the tennis, that's all!

-But instead... Well, instead...

-Eric!

Eric, that's it started!

I give up, I really do!

-TV:

-'..of all time.

'It's a Grand Slam final at the US Open between Murray

'and Djokovic.

'Quiet, please.

'Murray to serve.'

No, it's fine, Jaz, I'll get it.

-Come on, Andy!

-Come on Andy, Andy, Andy!

-I don't like that mother of his.

-Shh!

'Out.'

Oh, that was in, in, in, in! Oh!

'..go to the Hawk-Eye challenge.'

ALL: Ooooh... Oh!

Referee!

'The ball was out.'

-Beth, can I just get a wee dribble of vodka?

-No.

Judy Murray, isn't it?

Judy Murray, aye.

Oh, Judy Murray it is, aye.

Awfully strict with that boy of hers.

I mean, she's had him wi' a racket in his hand

since he was that height.

What kind of childhood must he have had?

-I cannae be bothered with tennis, really, Jaz.

-Mm.

-I like Wimbledon.

-I love Wimbledon.

Is that lifting, Beth?

I think it is...

Shhh!

Boris Becker. Remember...remember him? I liked Boris Becker.

Beth, you liked Boris Becker, didn't you?

-Did I?

-She did.

She said to me she liked the blonde hairs on his legs.

Eh! Jaz, Jaz, Jaz.

She did, him and Alan Shearer.

She told me at Aqua Aerobics.

Shush!

-THEY CHEER

-Come on, Serena!

-What happened to your face, Dad?

-Eh?

-What happened to your face?

-Ah, I'll tell you after.

She hit him with a baseball bat.

She what? Why did she do that?

He was in my garden.

What were you doing in her garden?

Eric? Colin!

We were trying to get our ball back.

What ball?

The swingball ball.

Swingball?

We were out playing swingball and I hit the swingball ball,

and it came off the bit of string and flew into Christine's garden.

We went to get it and she came out to see who it was.

Look, can we just watch this?

You want to have seen it.

She came out, right, with her dressing gown

and the baseball bat, right?

So, I goes to say hello and she swings it.

I ducks down and it...it batters him!

THEY LAUGH

It bat... It batters him straight in the face!

Fuck this.

Oh, Eric, where are you going?

Bed.

Here, if you have any trouble getting to sleep,

I've got something next door that'll knock you right out.

THEY LAUGH

Come on, Andy!

RADIO: '..on Murray.

'Another unforced error from Murray.

'Another game to Djokovic.

'Andy Murray now trails three games to love in the first set

'of this US Open final.

'And an afternoon that began with such hope is

'turning into a nightmare.'

HE SIGHS DEEPLY

What a laugh!

# I'm like a rubber ball, baby

# That's all that I am to you

# Bouncy, bouncy Bouncy, bouncy

# Just a rubber ball cos you think you can be true to two

# Bouncy, bouncy Bouncy, bouncy

# You bounce my heart around

# You don't even put her down

# But like a rubber ball

# I come bouncing back to you

# Rubber ball I'll come bouncing back to you-ou. #