Episode 5 Two Doors Down

This programme contains some strong language.

HE SIGHS

DOORBELL RINGS

-Oh, hi, Eric.

-Hi, Cath.

I'm just doing Colin's scrambled eggs.

Colin, I've stirred it, what do I do now?

-Er... Colin up, aye?

-Uh-huh.

I was wondering if he could give me a hand

-to shift the bed out of Ian's old room.

-Colin!

Eric needs you to help move a bed.

-What?

-He need you to help move a bed!

Tell him I'll be round after my scrambled eggs.

He says he'll be round after his scrambled eggs.

Do you know how to make them, Eric?

-TOILET FLUSHES

-Cathy, tell him I'll just come now.

I'll get my scrambled eggs after.

I'll just do him some toast when I get back.

-I'm coming, too, yeah?

-Uh...

Then you've got your bibs, you've got your car seat,

you'll need weaning spoons, no' to mention a good potty.

You loved your potty.

I've got lovely photos of you sitting on it, grinning away,

taking care of your business.

And you'll need a steriliser for your bottles.

-I don't need bottles.

-You don't need bottles?!

-No, I'll breast-feed.

-That's not as easy as you think.

Look at the hassle I had with you.

Every time I opened my nightie, you screamed the place down.

I must have got that off my dad.

-Pardon?

-Look, I've not even been for my first scan yet.

Well, when is it? I'll need to mark that up on my calendar.

Now, where are we?

Please don't say it's the 11th.

What's the 11th?

It's the anniversary of your gran dying.

-Oh, and don't say it's the 12th.

-What's the 12th?

I've got that guy coming to see that wasp's nest at the back door.

It's the 13th.

-Friday the 13th?

-Uh-huh.

I'll mark that in.

That's great.

So, have you heard from Christine?

She's tried to phone a few times, but I don't want to get involved.

Oh, use this for mine, will you?

-Ooh. Decaf?

-Yeah.

My counsellor said to me, "Cathy, cut out the stimulants."

-OK, right.

-Tea's fine, as long as you put a bit of Baileys in it.

Ah. So how's it going with the counsellor?

Brilliant, Beth. I should have done this years ago.

That's great, Cathy.

She said to me, I have one of the worst cases

of low self-esteem she has ever seen.

It's all about talking, Beth.

You know me, I keep everything to myself.

Like all that stuff about trying for a baby, I just...

I bottle that up. Apart from the night

I had to stay here when me and Col had the, erm, fall-out.

And the time that Eric saw me walking along the bypass.

And the time I got kicked out of the Early Learning Centre

for slapping the assistant. Bitch.

Well, I just wanted to know what was happening...

And that is NOT healthy.

She said I need to put myself first for a change

and start opening up.

So, from now on, you'll be glad to hear,

I'm going to be doing a lot more talking.

About me.

Here we go.

-Ugh!

-Do you want me to go on that side?

-No, no, I'm all right.

-Are you sure, Eric?

I mean, no offence, but you're carrying plenty already.

I'm fine, let's get on with it.

-OK.

-Hup!

Oh, here, did I tell you that me and Cathy

-went for the memory foam, Eric?

-Oh, right, did you?

What an invention that is.

-Aye?

-Aye. You know, you want to feel this thing

when you're lying on it, Eric.

Honestly, it's like... It's like going to sleep on a cloud.

It's soft, but not too soft.

It's firm, but not too firm.

Anyway, three big swigs of Night Nurse and into that -

Cath went over like a lamb.

Smashing. Do you think we could just...?

Oh, of course. Look, I'm sorry.

Right.

Oh, here, did I tell you about

the fitted wardrobes we've got our eye on?

Oh, for...

And I don't suppose it's worth asking

if the proud father will be in attendance at the scan?

He whose name remains a mystery?

God, don't start this again.

-Is it Duncan?

-No!

-Is it Duncan's brother?

-No!

-Is it Marco?

-No!

-Is it Marco's brother?

-Marco doesn't have a brother.

Who's that he's got driving his van for him, then?

Matt's his uncle.

What, the wee guy in a leather jacket with the tiger on the back -

-that's his uncle?

-Uh-huh.

Is it him?

Och...

THUD! Ouch!

-Have you got it?

-Aye, I've got it.

That's you. Oh!

Watch your paintwork.

Keep going.

Keep going.

That's you.

Bet you're glad I'm here, eh?

She said to me, "Cathy, just because you can't have kids

"doesn't mean you can't have goals in life."

So I've said to Colin,

I definitely want a Mazda for Christmas, and...

I've written to Loose Women

and I've asked if I can be a presenter.

Is it Archie from the garden centre?

-No.

-Is it Archie's brother?

-No.

-Michael. Is it Michael?

I've had enough. I can't listen to this.

All right, all right.

Sophie, come back here.

Let's just leave it.

I shouldn't pester you for the name, it's my fault.

Come back and sit down.

Come on.

I know what we can do - why don't we get stuck into a bit of knitting?

Knitting?

Aye. That's what we all used to do, you know.

Your gran knitted you a whole outfit for coming home from the hospital.

Hat, mitts, cardigan,

jumper, tights, shawl.

Mind you, no sooner were you home

then we had to take you straight back up there.

-How come?

-Your temperature was through the roof.

SHE LAUGHS

Where's my...?

Oh, you know, all my knitting stuff's away out in the hut.

-The hut?

-Aye, the hut.

What's it doing in the hut?

I don't know.

Go and get it for me, will you?

SHE SIGHS

Mum!

Mum!

Mum, the door's stuck!

The door isn't stuck.

-It's locked.

-Locked?

What are you doing?

Mum, open the door!

I will open the door when you tell me

who the bloody hell the father of this baby is!

Oh.

Ugh.

-Here?

-Aye, just dump it there.

Right. Cheers for the help, Colin.

-So when's the collection?

-Tomorrow morning.

-Aye?

You want to watch, leaving that out overnight.

I left a desk out front -

some bastard shat in one of the drawers.

-Dear God!

-I wouldnae have minded, but he left it lying wide open.

Maybe I'll just stick it in the garage overnight.

That's a good idea. I'll get the door for you.

Thanks, Colin. I think I can manage it from here.

There's your golf clubs there, Eric.

-Eh?

-Mind you said you couldn't find them

that time I asked you if you fancied a wee game?

-Oh, aye, aye. Aye, so they are.

-Here, now we know where they are,

we'll need to get you up to the club for a round.

-Oh, look...

-No, no, no, listen, no bother at all.

We'll get you up there, introduce you to a few of the guys.

I tell you, they're nice fellas.

We just don't want to get stuck with them,

because someone cannae half yap, if you know what I mean.

-Look, really...

-Shh!

-'Do you hear me?'

-'Do you hear me?'

-Here, Eric.

Come here and see this.

'What?'

What's she doing?

-'Do you hear me?'

-Is she giving the hut a row?

Because I am going to find out exactly what you've been up to!

So, how are you, missus?

How you coping with all this upheaval going on?

Well, once we've got the sofa bed in and the blinds up...

Mm, not really going to make up for losing a son, though, is it?

Well, it's not exactly "losing a son".

No, but as Fiona, my counsellor, said to me,

it's all about how you feel.

Well, I feel OK.

You see elephants, Beth?

The mums actually burst into tears when their wee calves head off.

They get so upset, they can actually die of a broken heart.

They just lose interest in everything.

They stop squirting water out their trunks,

their ears stop flapping,

and they go off their leaves.

They just give up.

And eventually, they just wander off, into the forest,

lay down on their sides,

and they never, ever get back up.

Are you an elephant, Beth?

'Beth!'

What is it?

Come here and see this.

'You can bang all you like.'

'Let me out! I need the toilet!'

There's a watering can in there, you can go in that.

BANGING ON DOOR

'Let me out!'

Christine?

Oh, hi, Beth.

Eh, what are you doing?

Nothing, I'm just having a wee afternoon in the garden.

Mrs Baird! Let me out!

-Hello, Cathy.

-Everything OK, Christine?

Oh, yes, everything's fine.

Let me out!

Sophie in the hut, is she?

Christine, come on, let her out.

-No.

-Why not?

-Because!

-Why have you locked her in the hut, Christine?

I haven't locked her in the hut.

-Yes, you have.

-No, I haven't!

Is she in there?

-Yes.

-Is the door locked?

-Yes.

-Who locked it?

-I did.

-So you locked her in.

Well, when you put it like that.

'Let me out!'

I am sensing a lot of conflict here.

Och, away! We're fine.

If you kick that fucking door one more time,

I'm going to come in there and leather you!

'Let me out, then!'

-Christine, come on.

-Beth, Beth, wheesht, I've got it.

Christine, let's just take a deep breath in...

SHE INHALES

..and think sensibly about this.

Do we think this is the best way to handle a simple disagreement?

No.

So do we think the first thing we need to do is...

open the door and let Sophie out?

-No.

-Oh, for fuck's sake.

Beth, go and get the axe.

Look, Christine, you can't keep her locked in the hut.

So open the door and we can sort whatever this is out.

OK?

Sophie!

Wait, Sophie, come on!

Dear me. I tell you what, when Beth's done sorting that lot out,

she can head over to Palestine and get stuck in there.

It'll be a piece of piss compared to that!

At least Cathy's there, though, you know?

Do her Kofi Annan bit and help keep a lid on things.

Did I tell you she's been having counselling?

-Aye?

-Aye.

-The change is unbelievable.

-In her or the counsellor?

-HE CHUCKLES

-Women are different from us.

They get awfully emotional about things.

They cannae do what we do, which is just focus on what's in front of us.

They're awfully easily distracted...

Is that a dartboard?

Here we go, Christine.

-That tastes funny.

-It's decaf, Christine.

No, it's kind of creamy.

-Oh, no, that's mine.

-Oh.

So, tell me, what has been going on?

Where do you want me to start?

You decide. I am just here to listen.

Well... When I first had Sophie...

We're not going back that far.

She's maybe just excited about everything that's going on.

"Och, I'm so excited, what shall I do?

"Shall I look up baby names?

"No, let's just go and lock someone in a hut."

She's a nightmare, Mrs Baird.

She'll just be worried about you.

She's a nosy cow.

-Sophie, come on.

-Well, she is.

She just wants to know absolutely everything.

-Like what?

-Well, like, when's your first scan?

Have you looked at prams?

Who's the father?

You know, the one I feel sorry for is Sophie.

Well, I do, too. It's easy done.

You don't know what you're doing at that age.

I remember the first time I did it.

Talk about nervous - it took me three goes

to get the money out of my wallet.

HE LAUGHS

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

I mean, the thing is, everything's different now.

I mean, everything seems to be do with sex.

-I know!

-It's everywhere.

-It is.

You walk down the street, you're getting bombarded by it.

And the things young people wear these days, it's terrible.

If that's not enough, you've got these things on your phone -

you just click, and you get photos of folk popping up,

ready to do it at the drop of a hat.

It's dreadful.

Really, really dreadful.

I should have had her on the pill.

The doctor said to me, "Christine, given her age,

"her naturally trusting personality,

"and that new swing park going up across the road,

"I'd get her on it ASAP."

Why did you not?

I thought she'd be fine.

I made it clear to her on many, many occasions

the consequences of an unplanned pregnancy.

The thing is, though, Christine...

boys will stick it anywhere.

I thought she'd have more sense.

It's up to her, though, isn't it?

At the end of the day.

-What do you mean?

-Well...

..she's an adult.

No, she's not.

She's...

She's...

Oh, Cathy!

Come on, let's get a proper game, Eric.

Och, no, we're fine just having a muck about, are we no'?

Go on! Nearest the bull starts.

-Oh, all right.

-On you go!

"Super, smashing, great, Eric.

"Stay out the black and in the red,

"nothing in this game for two in a bed."

Try telling Sophie that!

Whoops-a-daisy.

I could get a flat.

-I could! I mean, I'm old enough.

-What about your mum, though?

Well, I'll just get one with a camera on the door

so I can see her coming.

Sophie, your mum loves you.

I'm sure this is nothing that can't be sorted.

I mean, if the main thing is who the father is,

why don't you just start by telling her who it is?

The thing is, I want to tell her.

I do. It's not like I want to keep it a secret.

-So just tell her.

-I can't.

Why not?

Because I don't know.

Oh.

The thing is, though, Cathy, she's still young.

And she's naive.

You and I, we're women of the world.

-I know.

-We know what men are like.

Selfish, sly, conniving.

Well, my Colin's not like that.

No, he's just an arse.

Oh, yes!

Not bad. Not bad at all.

Quite the wee Robin Hood there, eh?

-Thanks very much.

-You ever play for a team or anything?

-What, like...?

-Like a pub team?

No.

I used to run that one in the wee place behind the big Sainsbury's.

We had some fun there.

Mind you, got to the stage

-a lot of folk were just overdoing it with the bevvy, you know?

-Really?

Oh, Christ, aye. I mean, see happy hour in there?

It was like Custer's Last Stand!

THEY LAUGH

-Right, me to go first?

-On you go.

-Aye.

Oh, I don't know, Cathy.

Maybe it is my fault.

Maybe I've mollycoddled her for far too long.

Maybe I just have to accept

that this is her growing up.

Why don't you two have a wee chat? Come on through the kitchen,

and you two can sort it all out. Come on.

Yes!

HE HUMS: Chase The Sun

Hard lines, squire. Listen, sorry about that wee confusion there,

because I genuinely thought three 18s were 96.

Mmm-hmm.

-Shall we play a decider, then?

-Yeah, why not?

-Right, me to go.

-Hey, hey!

-What?

-You went first last time.

-It's me.

-So I did.

What am I like?

HE COUGHS

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Hi, Beth. How you doing, Sophie?

Listen, Christine has something to say, are you all right with that?

Actually, Sophie's got something she needs to say to Christine, too.

-Don't you, love?

-In you come, Christine.

Awful smell of bacon in here.

On you go, Christine.

Right. Well.

I've been chatting to Cathy and, basically,

I just wanted to say that I appreciate

that you are now a grown-up,

that it's your life,

and I will support you no matter what.

Oh, and I'm sorry I locked in the hut.

-That was bad.

-Mmm.

-Even though...

-Christine.

That was bad.

Now, Sophie, what have you got to say to your mum?

-Go on.

-Look, Mum,

the reason I haven't told you yet whose baby it is

-isn't because I don't want you to know.

-It's all right.

But I do want you to know.

-I understand.

-Christine, let Sophie talk -

this is your time to listen now, Christine.

Fair enough.

Good. Sophie, this is your turn to get on with it.

Like I said, I do want you to know.

It's just...

It's just...?

It's just...

-..I don't know.

-What you mean, you don't know?

Uh-uh, Christine. What do you mean, you don't know?

She does kind of know, don't you, love?

I do kind of know, uh-huh.

What she means is, she's just narrowing it down.

Narrowing it down? How many have there been?!

Christine! How many have there been?

-Just two.

-Well, you'll be able to work it out from the dates,

-will you not?

-Well, the thing is, though...

Oh, Christ, there's more?

Christine, keep it nice.

Sophie, spit it out.

The thing is, though...

I don't think I'm going to be able to do that, uh, you know,

work it out from the dates.

How come?

Well...

Because they were, er...

They were quite close together.

How close together?

Pretty close.

Very close, actually.

How close is very close?

-Well...

-How close?

On the same night?

Christine, don't be ridiculous, I mean, she's...

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Ooh! You wee shite.

There's a draught coming in. Can you feel it?

There's a draught coming in and blowing my darts off course.

I'll just replay that.

-Hey!

-What?

-"Replay", honestly.

-Right, what am I on? 52?

-Erm, no, 70...

No, it was... It was 52.

Yes!

Double 16 for the match.

Ooh, that was a marker.

Right, here we go.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

CLUBS CLATTER

What happened there?

Two on the same night.

OK. That's OK.

Oh, my God.

Sophie, it's all right, we've all done it.

And do either of them know?

They don't know I'm pregnant.

They're going to get a shock when they find out.

Aye, when they find out they're not the only one!

-Well, they know that bit.

-How?

-Cos they know.

-How do they know?

Cos they were there, both of them, at the same time.

Oh, God save us!

Cathy, I cannae take it. I cannae take this.

I've never heard anything like it in my life!

All right, Christine, it's all right.

It's just been a wee threesome, hasn't it, Sophie?

Honestly, Christine, it's more common than you think.

Isn't it, Beth?

-What?

-I'm just saying,

it's much more common than people think, this...

this threesome stuff, isn't it?

Er... Yes.

-Very common.

-Is it?

-Uh-huh.

-Have you done it?

Me?

Erm... Yes.

-Really?!

-Uh-huh.

Loads of times.

I don't see anything wrong with it.

In fact, I quite enjoy it.

The more the merrier, I say!

Have you done it, Cathy?

-Me? No.

-Thank God for that.

For a minute, I thought you two might have...

Me and Beth? Christ, no!

I've seen her getting changed for the aquarobics -

I've never been so glad to get my goggles on in my life!

THEY LAUGH

I told you,

there's a draught in here.

Draught, my arse! You were trying to put me off.

You're a...

You're a cheating wee fanny.

Now, you can't say that.

Oh, yes, I can.

You're a fanny.

You're a cheating little fanny.

Fanny, fanny, fanny!

Now, Eric, I'm warning you.

Oh, you're warning me, are you?

And what are you going to do about it?

-Well, I'm, erm...

-Eh?

I'm going to leave this garage.

Right? And...

I'm seriously reconsidering that offer to take you to the golf.

You just can't bear it, can you?

You can't stand the thought of other folk getting one up on you.

Whatever we do, whatever we've got, wherever we go,

you have to be that bit better.

You're no' happy unless you're pissing on other folk's chips!

I don't know what to say. I'm sorry.

I didn't realise you were such a bad loser!

Ya fanny!

What's important now is Sophie and the baby, isn't it?

And now that everything is out in the open,

we can move on and just focus on them.

Absolutely. And can I just say...

..no more threesomes from now on, yeah?

That goes for you, too, missus.

We're all here to support you.

Whatever it is we can do to help, we will.

I don't know what I'd do without you, Beth, I really don't.

It's no trouble, we'll all muddle through.

Whatever it is you need, we'll make sure you get sorted.

-I'm OK.

-I mean, I've still got a load of things in my loft.

I've got a cot, a pram, that wee thing you put in the bath.

Well, I'm going to get my own stuff.

Aye, that's what she's saying just now.

Uh-huh, you're right. She's right, Sophie.

Once you realise all the work that's involved,

you'll take all the help you can get.

Really, you know I can manage.

And there is a whole load of toys, and Ian's bike.

Two bikes - the one he got when he was bigger.

-There's even a bed.

-Look, I don't need a bed!

Mrs White, will you tell them?

She... What bed?

The one I've just moved out of Ian's room.

Oh, just take it, Christine, it's just a cheap single bed.

-She'll take it.

-No!

I'll go and tell Eric it's to go through to yours -

it's always one less thing for you to worry about.

You're a star, Beth.

Where would you be without us, eh?

All right, if that's how you want to play it.

Don't make me use it. I will, Eric, I swear!

-I will.

-Eric! What on Earth is going on?

Oh, thanks, Beth, good job you're here.

He's getting all worked up.

-Aye!

-For goodness' sake!

-Behaving like children!

-It's him, he called me a fanny.

-Och...

-What's going on, Colin, what's going on?

It's all right, Cath, it's all right.

I came out to find these two all set for a punch-up!

-I've got it, I've got it.

-Oh, aye, have you got it?

-Eric!

-Don't lay a finger on my Colin, don't you dare!

-Cathy!

-This is all your fault, you wee fanny!

Eric, it was just a wee game of darts.

Here, Cath, you should've seen me.

-HE HUMS: Chase The Sun

-All right, Colin...

-Right!

Eric!

HE CONTINUES TO HUM

-He's not a fanny!

-What's going on here?

Christine, don't get involved, please.

Eric's all upset. I beat him at darts.

You did not beat me, you cheated!

Oh, for God's sake.

There was a draft, Christine.

What's he doing?

Cathy, dig those big fake nails right into his fat neck!

That's it.

Christine, that is enough - away you go next door.

I beg your pardon?

-On you go.

-Oh, that's charming, that is.

One minute it's, "How can I help you?"

The next it's, "Fuck off home"

Hey, Mum, come on.

Hey, stop tugging at me.

Well, let's just go.

No, you're not wanting to stay in here with the rest of the bikes?

Well, I've called a spade a spade.

Come on!

ALL TALK OVER EACH OTHER

Where would I be without you?

Sophie?

Sophie?

Sophie!

# My girl baby-sits for someone on her block

# Then I come up to join her and we start to rock

# The baby hears the beat and, man, it is a shock

# When he goes...

# G-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g G-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g

# And when it's time to tuck him in his little bed

# With all that music runnin' through his sleepy head

# The little fella doesn't say good night - instead, he says...

# Boog-ooo, boog-ooo a-a-a-a-all-l-l-l-l gone! #