Episode 6 Two Doors Down


Episode 6

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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language

0:00:020:00:06

-So, in general, you're feeling all right?

-Yeah, yeah.

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Are you eating your five a day?

0:00:090:00:10

Aye, five Kit Kats.

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Have you checked your testicles recently?

0:00:120:00:14

Yup, there's still two of them.

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When was the last time you checked them, Mr Baird?

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Oh, I don't know.

0:00:180:00:20

You're supposed to check them regularly for any abnormalities.

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I usually say to people to do it when they're in the bath,

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you know, when you're relaxed and they're nice and soft.

0:00:250:00:27

When was the last time you had a bath, Eric?

0:00:270:00:29

I've got no idea.

0:00:290:00:31

I'll make sure he has one.

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Mind you, our boiler doesn't always give you enough for a bath.

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No, it depends if the washing machine's been on.

0:00:350:00:37

What about a shower, will that soften them up?

0:00:370:00:39

-Cos I prefer a shower, actually.

-Uh-huh.

0:00:390:00:41

-It's an electric shower we've got.

-Well, you can...

-Yeah.

0:00:410:00:43

It doesn't depend on the boiler, you see.

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Takes it directly from the mains

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and heats it up in an element in the box on the wall.

0:00:460:00:48

You pull a string to switch it on.

0:00:480:00:51

Well, you can do it anywhere.

0:00:510:00:53

Step up on to the scales, please.

0:00:530:00:55

I still cannae make head nor tail of it.

0:00:570:01:00

Look! There's its head, and there's its wee nose.

0:01:000:01:03

It's like one of those pictures they take from the drones

0:01:030:01:06

when they've been up bombing the villages.

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Well, I'm sure the next one they do will be clearer.

0:01:080:01:10

Oh, well, I hope we get a few more. One copy!

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But that's the NHS for you, eh? They've brung it to its knees.

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And just you wait to the birth - you'll be in and out in a day.

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Not like the good old times, where you could be in a place for months.

0:01:200:01:25

-I'm sure I can feel it starting to kick.

-Aye.

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Either that or it's that steak pie we had for our lunch

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making its way through you.

0:01:300:01:32

Right, come on, let's get this up on the Facebook.

0:01:320:01:34

No, Mum, this is private.

0:01:340:01:37

Private? It might be private to you but this is my first grandchild.

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Oh, fine.

0:01:420:01:43

And once you're finished with that,

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you make sure you put it somewhere safe.

0:01:460:01:49

-CAMERA CLICKS

-When you become a mum, Sophie,

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you will understand that these are the types of things

0:01:510:01:53

that you'll cherish forever.

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Plus it'll be good ammo in my appeal with the council

0:01:570:02:00

when I'm going up to get that ramp fitted.

0:02:000:02:03

SHE SIGHS

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So, are you going on holiday this year?

0:02:050:02:08

-No.

-No?

0:02:080:02:10

No, no, we were away, what was it, three years ago?

0:02:100:02:13

Try seven.

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-Seven? Is it seven years since we were in Jersey?

-Uh-huh.

0:02:140:02:17

Jersey? That's supposed to be nice, but I suppose it's like anywhere -

0:02:170:02:21

depends if you get the weather.

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We didn't.

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Right. Well, that's everything checked

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and it seems you've made really, really good progress.

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Your weight's down, your cholesterol is much better

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and your blood pressure is just about normal.

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And what about that cloudiness in the urine?

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It's all gone. That one you did today was super.

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Sorry it took us a wee while. It's a bit tricky, you know,

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trying to hold the two things at once.

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-Well, that's smashing. Isn't that great, Eric?

-Yes.

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Right. Well, I'll see you in three months.

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Oh, and don't forget - check those testicles!

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I will... He will.

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See you.

0:02:580:03:00

Come on.

0:03:110:03:13

# Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm

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# Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm

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# Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm

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# Whoa-oh-oh-oh

0:03:210:03:23

# Whoa-oh-oh-oh

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# Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

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# Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh. #

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Right, Eric, go and get the big suitcase with the wheels down.

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-Let's get started.

-Beth...

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Go!

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Oh, I forgot to get earplugs.

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Eric! We forgot to get earplugs!

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They'll give you headphones on the plane.

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It's not for the plane I'm wanting them.

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-It's not there!

-What?

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It's not here.

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-What? You're joking.

-No.

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Did Ian not use it to shift some of his stuff?

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-Oh, bugger.

-Oh, come on, it'll be fine.

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Listen, can we not just take that big Adidas holdall

0:04:010:04:03

and we'll shove some bits and pieces into the cool bag

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and you can take that as hand luggage?

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I am not standing at Glasgow Airport

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looking like I'm queuing for a laundrette, Eric.

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Forget it!

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Go and find the funnel,

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and start putting shampoo into those clear bottles.

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Why are we doing that?

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So there's not a bomb.

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Ian, it's me.

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How many has it got now?

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37 likes and two comments.

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Has your Auntie Margaret liked it?

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-Uh-huh.

-What about Rita?

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Who's Rita?

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You know Rita - her that collects for the guide dogs

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and went away over to help with the tidying up after the tsunami.

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No.

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She's only interested in herself, that one.

0:04:410:04:44

What about Beth - has she liked it?

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Not yet, no.

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You're joking.

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No.

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Poke her!

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DOORBELL RINGS

0:04:520:04:55

-Hi, Cathy.

-Hi, Eric. Oh, are you doing charity bags?

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-Actually...

-Where's Beth?

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Beth!

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Hi, Cathy, sorry, but we really are up to our eyes...

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No, no, no, no, no, no, that's all right.

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I just thought I'd pop my head in to say thanks for putting up

0:05:100:05:12

with all that racket that's been going on

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while we've been getting this hot tub installed.

0:05:140:05:16

-That's all right.

-And thanks for all your help, Eric,

0:05:160:05:19

when we had that problem with the drains.

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Colin has asked me to tell you that he was definitely not well that day,

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so that's how come he had to leave you to it.

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Aye, no bother, Cath.

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Did you have to throw those cords in the bin?

0:05:300:05:32

-Aye.

-Mmm.

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As I say, if you don't mind, we're...

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So, as an extra thank you,

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we thought we'd like to get you round for a few drinks and...

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a wee shot in the hot tub.

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-Oh, that's lovely but...

-About half seven?

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-Cathy...

-I said to Colin,

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"People like Beth and Eric can only dream of hot tubs -

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"we need to get them round."

0:05:500:05:52

Cathy, we can't.

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What?

0:05:540:05:55

We can't. Not tonight, anyway.

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How come?

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-We're away on holiday.

-Uh-huh, we've booked a holiday.

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The flight's first thing in the morning

0:06:000:06:02

so we need to pack and get organised...

0:06:020:06:04

Well, where are you going?

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Turkey.

0:06:050:06:06

Oh.

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Oh, well. Well, that's that, then.

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-Sorry, Cathy.

-Oh, no, no, no, no, you're fine.

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-I hope you haven't gone to any bother.

-Oh, no...

0:06:110:06:15

apart from getting a hot tub put in!

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Well, maybe when we get back.

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Yeah, yeah, when you're back.

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You enjoy yourselves!

0:06:220:06:24

-We will.

-We will.

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MUSIC PLAYS FAINTLY

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What's the matter?

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-It's off!

-Eh?

0:06:430:06:45

They're not coming! They're going on holiday.

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What?

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They're going on holiday!

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Beth and Eric?

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Yes.

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Beth and Eric are going on holiday?

0:06:530:06:55

-Yes!

-My God...

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Beth and Eric?

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Yes!

0:07:010:07:02

-It's a whopper.

-Tell me about it.

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DOORBELL RINGS Aw, who the hell's that now?

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Answer it!

0:07:200:07:21

-Hiya.

-Ah, thanks, boys.

-Christ, I'd forgotten the bloody size of it.

0:07:230:07:27

-It's a beast.

-Lift it, Ian, don't drag it across the carpet.

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Are you sure you need this?

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Yes! Don't you start, as well.

0:07:320:07:35

Ah, there we are.

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I'll get all my stuff in there,

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plus my shoes in these wee zippy bits.

0:07:380:07:40

How many pairs of shoes are you taking?

0:07:400:07:42

Did you not see the pictures she showed us, Eric, of the old town?

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If we go for a walk, I'll be needing flats.

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It's cobbled! Honestly!

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Thanks for this, boys, that's fine.

0:07:510:07:53

No worries.

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Just watch you don't put too much in it...

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otherwise you'll go over your allowance.

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What allowance?

0:07:590:08:00

Your baggage allowance.

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You'll be fine, though, don't worry about it.

0:08:010:08:03

I don't even know what ours is. Did they say?

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Have we got a baggage allowance, Eric?

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I don't know.

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-It'll be on your boarding pass.

-What boarding pass?

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Did they give us those?

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I don't think they gave us boarding passes, did they, Eric?

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-I don't know.

-Oh, God, this is a nightmare.

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You print them off yourself at online check-in.

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I can do it for you.

0:08:190:08:21

It'll be fine, you'll have 20kg or something.

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Yeah, or it might be 15.

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Remember ours was 15 when we went to Barcelona and we didn't know?

0:08:260:08:29

-Oh, no.

-It was fine.

0:08:290:08:31

Well, in the end.

0:08:310:08:32

What do you mean in the end?

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-We had to unpack the whole case.

-Not at the airport?

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-Mm-hmm, in the queue.

-Oh, my God.

0:08:350:08:38

Yeah. I had to bin a 2000-watt hairdryer and a pair of Air Max.

0:08:380:08:42

It was one of the most stressful experiences of my life.

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Still, it was good when we got there.

0:08:440:08:46

Yeah, yeah, it was,

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until that guy pulled a knife on you at the cash point.

0:08:470:08:49

-Remember that?

-What?

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-DOORBELL RINGS

-If that's Cathy again...

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-Beth.

-Christine.

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Oh, what's going on here?

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We're away on holiday - got a last-minute deal.

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Did you? Where to?

0:09:020:09:04

-Turkey.

-Turkey. Very nice.

0:09:040:09:06

I've heard it's lovely. The beaches are meant to be beautiful.

0:09:060:09:09

Oh, aye, and they'll be that bit quieter at the minute.

0:09:090:09:12

Anyway, Christine, I'd better get on.

0:09:120:09:14

Oh, of course, we'll not keep you.

0:09:140:09:17

This is nothing that interesting.

0:09:170:09:19

-What is it?

-Oh, it's just Sophie's scan picture,

0:09:190:09:22

but if you've got more important things to do,

0:09:220:09:24

like picking out sundresses...

0:09:240:09:26

-In you come.

-Thank you.

0:09:260:09:27

Right, there it is.

0:09:320:09:34

You're all right, it's 20 kilos.

0:09:340:09:36

Room for your snorkel and flippers after all, Dad!

0:09:360:09:39

-Very funny.

-Have you ever been snorkelling, Mr Baird?

0:09:390:09:41

No, and I'll not be doing any while we're away.

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I'll be getting my arse parked on a sunbed and I'll not be shifting.

0:09:440:09:48

We did snorkelling when we went to Greece, remember?

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I got a carrier bag wrapped round my breathing pipe.

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So, are you looking forward to it?

0:09:540:09:56

Aye, it'll be nice to get a break and get away - get a wee bit of sun.

0:09:560:09:59

Remember the first time we went abroad?

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Aye. Corfu. Oh-ho, that was a great holiday.

0:10:010:10:04

Yeah. Remember you got burnt on the first day?

0:10:040:10:07

Oh, aye, so I did, aye.

0:10:070:10:08

I had to sleep sitting up with a damp towel.

0:10:080:10:11

And then I got food poisoning.

0:10:110:10:13

-Did you?

-Aye, do you not remember when we went to the water park

0:10:130:10:15

-and you took me on the big slide?

-Oh, aye. Aye.

0:10:150:10:18

And Mum got her bag stolen.

0:10:180:10:20

Aye.

0:10:200:10:21

Still, it was good to get away.

0:10:210:10:23

Oh, my God.

0:10:230:10:25

What is it?

0:10:250:10:26

Your flight's at 6.15 in the morning.

0:10:260:10:29

Check-in opens at 4.15.

0:10:290:10:31

Aye, I know, hardly worth going to bed, is it?

0:10:310:10:33

Have you booked a taxi?

0:10:330:10:34

You don't need to book a taxi.

0:10:340:10:35

-Aye, right enough, I'll just phone one in the morning.

-Aye.

0:10:350:10:38

No, we'll give you a lift. Won't we?

0:10:380:10:40

So there we were, going through the corridors,

0:10:420:10:45

still no sign of ultrasound,

0:10:450:10:48

so I stopped this wee doctor and, lo and behold,

0:10:480:10:51

was it no' the wee guy that did my knee back in 2003?

0:10:510:10:56

Really?

0:10:560:10:57

Aye. Did I never tell you about that, Beth?

0:10:570:11:01

It was after that fall I had in the jelly bean sandals

0:11:010:11:04

with that stupid laminate floor.

0:11:040:11:06

What it was, there was this clicking sound in my joint, right,

0:11:060:11:11

-wasn't there, Sophie?

-Mm-hmm.

0:11:110:11:13

It was like...

0:11:130:11:15

SHE CLICKS

0:11:150:11:18

Can you imagine it?

0:11:300:11:32

I mean, it'd drive you round the twist,

0:11:320:11:34

especially somebody as active as me.

0:11:340:11:37

Christine...

0:11:370:11:38

Oh, sorry, Beth, we're holding you back here.

0:11:380:11:43

I hate to seem rude.

0:11:430:11:44

No, no, not at all.

0:11:440:11:46

I quite understand.

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It's my fault.

0:11:470:11:50

On you go through and put the kettle on.

0:11:500:11:52

We'll get started on the scan proper when you get back.

0:11:520:11:55

DOORBELL RINGS

0:12:090:12:11

Afternoon, Squire!

0:12:120:12:14

Or should I say...

0:12:140:12:15

Well, how do you say "good afternoon" in Turkish?

0:12:150:12:18

-Erm, I've got no idea.

-Well, you should.

0:12:180:12:20

See, wherever we go, I always make sure I learn a few wee phrases,

0:12:200:12:23

you know, just to keep me in with the locals.

0:12:230:12:25

Nothing too complicated, just the likes of,

0:12:250:12:28

"Please, thank you, chips."

0:12:280:12:31

Well, I'll make sure I get a wee phrase book at the airport.

0:12:310:12:34

-Colin, I don't mean to sound rude...

-So, Turkey, eh?

0:12:340:12:37

Aye, Turkey.

0:12:370:12:38

Aye, it's some place.

0:12:380:12:39

Oh, have you been?

0:12:390:12:41

No, no, I've seen it in the brochure

0:12:410:12:43

but I always thought it looked a bit manky.

0:12:430:12:46

Ah, right, anyway, I...

0:12:460:12:47

So, listen, do you want me to do the odd bit of watering

0:12:470:12:50

your plants while you're away?

0:12:500:12:51

Actually, that might not be a bad idea.

0:12:510:12:54

Smashing. I'll just come in and see where they are.

0:12:540:12:56

Well... HE SIGHS

0:12:560:13:00

Now that means I have to get up at 4am in the morning

0:13:000:13:02

to drive them to the bloody airport.

0:13:020:13:04

-Oh, come on, it's not that bad.

-Not for you.

0:13:040:13:06

-All right, well, I'll do it, then.

-No.

-Why not?

0:13:060:13:08

I don't know. It would just be weird.

0:13:080:13:10

Would you get me to drive your parents to the airport on my own?

0:13:100:13:13

No.

0:13:130:13:14

See?

0:13:140:13:15

Well, yeah, maybe,

0:13:150:13:16

if you stuck to the story that you were my friend from the rugby club.

0:13:160:13:21

Just come for a bit, have a couple of drinks, come on!

0:13:210:13:24

We need to be up early to go to the airport.

0:13:240:13:26

Look, it's all right! I'll take you to the airport.

0:13:260:13:29

Ian's said he'll take us.

0:13:290:13:30

No, listen, I'll do the airport run.

0:13:300:13:33

You boys come in for a drink as well,

0:13:330:13:35

and try out this new hot tub of ours.

0:13:350:13:37

You've got a hot tub?

0:13:370:13:39

Do we have a hot tub? Do we have a hot tub?

0:13:390:13:42

What do you think all that business with the drains was?

0:13:420:13:44

I thought you were getting your toilet fixed.

0:13:440:13:46

No! We were getting a hot tub put in.

0:13:460:13:50

You want to see this thing, Ian.

0:13:500:13:51

It can take 12 folk at a time.

0:13:510:13:54

It's got underwater lights,

0:13:540:13:55

and it's got these wee jets that you can position any way you like

0:13:550:13:59

so that they can pummel your bits. What do you say?

0:13:590:14:01

-All right, then.

-Cool.

0:14:010:14:03

Lovely. That's that all sorted, then.

0:14:030:14:05

Right, tomorrow morning, what time's your check-in?

0:14:050:14:08

Quarter past four.

0:14:080:14:10

Great...

0:14:100:14:12

Obviously, we still don't know whether it's a boy or a girl

0:14:130:14:16

but, as I says to Sophie, either way has its drawbacks.

0:14:160:14:20

I'm really hoping it's a wee boy.

0:14:200:14:23

I was the same.

0:14:230:14:24

Hi.

0:14:250:14:27

Oh, here he is, my wee pal.

0:14:270:14:29

He liked it on Facebook, didn't you, son?

0:14:290:14:32

-What?

-The picture of my scan.

0:14:320:14:34

Oh, is that what it was?

0:14:340:14:35

I thought it was a satellite picture.

0:14:350:14:37

No, it's a picture of Sophie's baby.

0:14:370:14:40

Really? It looked like a tornado to me.

0:14:400:14:43

-Where's Ian?

-He's upstairs looking for swimming trunks.

0:14:430:14:46

I brought Eric's swim stuff down.

0:14:460:14:47

Oh, it's not for him. It's for Ian, for the hot tub party.

0:14:470:14:50

What hot tub party?

0:14:500:14:51

We're all going next door for a shot in Cathy's new hot tub, aren't we?

0:14:510:14:55

Oh, lovely.

0:14:550:14:57

Oh, Beth, I'm so glad you changed your mind.

0:15:070:15:11

Come on in!

0:15:110:15:12

In you go, Jaz.

0:15:120:15:14

Oh!

0:15:140:15:15

Hot tub's bubbling.

0:15:150:15:17

-Oh, ha-ha-ha.

-In you go.

-Right.

0:15:170:15:19

SHE EXHALES

0:15:190:15:21

There you are.

0:15:250:15:27

Where's your swimsuit, Missus?

0:15:270:15:28

Oh, I'll not bother actually going in, Cathy.

0:15:280:15:30

Oh, Beth, come on.

0:15:300:15:32

Who cares if you've got a bit of cellulite?

0:15:320:15:34

Just face the other way when you get in.

0:15:340:15:36

I'm all right, thanks.

0:15:360:15:38

Boo!

0:15:380:15:39

At least these two are dressed for it.

0:15:390:15:41

There's Ian with his wee chicken legs,

0:15:410:15:44

and look at you, Jaz, with your trunks.

0:15:440:15:47

He's like a wee hairy Tom Daley, isn't he?

0:15:470:15:49

(It's only a gay man that could carry those off, Beth.)

0:15:490:15:52

Where'd you get them?

0:15:520:15:53

Mr Baird lent me them.

0:15:530:15:56

Right, on you come through.

0:15:560:15:59

It's a few years since I've worn them.

0:15:590:16:01

Here we are.

0:16:050:16:06

Hello there!

0:16:060:16:08

Bloody hell, it's like a Bangkok whorehouse.

0:16:080:16:10

Shh.

0:16:100:16:11

-Wow.

-Do you like it?

0:16:110:16:13

It's basically an exact replica of a hotel we went to in Thailand,

0:16:130:16:16

except we got our cushions out of Dobbies.

0:16:160:16:19

Oh, it's lovely, Cathy.

0:16:190:16:21

Thanks, Beth.

0:16:210:16:23

Wee chim-chiminea there -

0:16:230:16:25

that's great for doing marshmallows and burning wee bits of wood

0:16:250:16:29

and bank statements.

0:16:290:16:31

Is that a...?

0:16:310:16:32

And that's my Buddha.

0:16:320:16:34

Oh, that's lovely. Are you a Buddhist, Cathy?

0:16:340:16:36

I am, but I still eat hot dogs.

0:16:360:16:38

We wanted this to be a peaceful place, a place where we could

0:16:380:16:42

come and just be alone with our thoughts, didn't we, Cath?

0:16:420:16:44

We did, aye.

0:16:440:16:46

Plus his knee's just the right height for sitting an ashtray on.

0:16:460:16:49

And here she is - here is the jewel in the crown!

0:16:490:16:54

-SHE SQUEALS

-Oh...

0:16:540:16:56

Oh, look at that!

0:16:560:16:58

Yeah, it's some size.

0:16:580:16:59

You can get them smaller but we weren't interested in those.

0:16:590:17:02

This place we went to in Thailand, it had one that took 30 folk.

0:17:020:17:05

Yeah, but we won't have dogs drinking out of ours, though.

0:17:050:17:08

Switch it on, Col.

0:17:080:17:09

HOT TUB WHIRS

0:17:110:17:14

-Ho-ho-ho-ho!

-Oh!

0:17:140:17:16

And it's... It's very relaxing.

0:17:160:17:18

-I mean, even the sound of it.

-HOT TUB BUBBLES LOUDLY

0:17:180:17:20

Sorry?

0:17:200:17:21

Very relaxing, the sound of the water.

0:17:210:17:24

What's he saying?

0:17:240:17:25

I've no idea!

0:17:250:17:26

Do you feel the wood vibrating? It's making my fillings hurt.

0:17:260:17:29

Switch it off.

0:17:290:17:31

What?

0:17:310:17:32

Switch it off. We're not going in it yet.

0:17:320:17:34

Colin! Just...

0:17:340:17:36

-HOT TUB STOPS BUBBLING

-Now...

0:17:360:17:39

who's for a glass of something?

0:17:390:17:41

Oh, just a quick one, Cathy,

0:17:410:17:42

we've still quite a lot to do for going away.

0:17:420:17:44

Yeah, of course you have.

0:17:440:17:46

So, are you all set, then, Missus?

0:17:460:17:48

Not really, as I said, erm...

0:17:480:17:50

This is a surprise, them going on holiday.

0:17:500:17:53

The number of times we've said to them,

0:17:530:17:55

"Come away with us to the time-share,"

0:17:550:17:56

but no, no, no, they're having none of it.

0:17:560:17:58

I said to Col, "Anyone would think they didn't want to spend

0:17:580:18:01

"a fortnight in a log cabin with us!"

0:18:010:18:03

Well, we just saw it and thought, "Why the hell not?"

0:18:030:18:06

Aw, so Turkey?

0:18:060:18:08

Uh-huh.

0:18:080:18:09

That's the thing, last-minute - you just take what you can get.

0:18:090:18:12

The woman next to me at work went to Turkey.

0:18:120:18:14

-Oh, did she?

-Yeah.

0:18:140:18:15

-Did she enjoy it?

-Yeah!

0:18:150:18:17

Well, sort of.

0:18:170:18:18

She went to Istanbul for the day and she got spat on cos she's blonde.

0:18:180:18:23

You deserve it.

0:18:230:18:24

Not to get spat on, but a holiday.

0:18:240:18:27

-Here's Colin with the drinkies.

-Oh, ta.

0:18:290:18:31

Remind me to tell you about that time we booked last-minute

0:18:310:18:33

and the company went bust.

0:18:330:18:35

- Right, here we are. - Oh, that's lovely, thank you.

0:18:350:18:39

-Oh, yeah, lovely, thanks.

-That's you.

0:18:390:18:41

Steady, young man, you're up to drive to the airport in a few hours.

0:18:410:18:45

Right, let's have a toast. Come on, quick, quick.

0:18:450:18:49

This is a very special occasion.

0:18:490:18:53

It's been a long, long time coming.

0:18:530:18:56

Aye.

0:18:560:18:58

-CATHY AND COLIN:

-To the hot tub!

-ALL: Holiday!

0:18:580:19:01

-And the holiday. The holiday, too, Colin!

-Yeah.

0:19:010:19:04

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Who the hell's that?

0:19:040:19:06

Eh, I think that might be Christine.

0:19:060:19:08

Christine? Who told her?

0:19:080:19:10

JAZ GULPS

0:19:120:19:14

Hello, Cathy.

0:19:150:19:17

Hi, Mrs Whyte.

0:19:170:19:18

Sorry we're late.

0:19:180:19:19

Sophie wanted to shave her legs before she came over.

0:19:190:19:22

I didnae bother - mine are beyond it.

0:19:220:19:24

Let's get a soak in this tub of yours, then, eh?

0:19:240:19:28

Whoopsie.

0:19:280:19:29

-I can't believe he did that.

-Eh?

0:19:340:19:36

Colin. I thought he was going to take them to the airport.

0:19:360:19:39

He's a fly bastard.

0:19:390:19:41

What are we going to do?

0:19:410:19:42

-We'll stay for a bit.

-Not too long, though, please.

0:19:420:19:44

-Why?

-I'm cold and my bollocks keep falling out the side of these.

0:19:440:19:48

Right, that'll do me.

0:19:510:19:52

Hello, everybody, here we are.

0:19:520:19:55

Hi.

0:19:550:19:56

Oh, there's Jaz, my wee pal, here he is.

0:19:560:20:00

I can see your balls, son.

0:20:000:20:02

Hello, Beth.

0:20:020:20:04

Hello, Christine.

0:20:040:20:05

Oh, my, oh, my, look at this!

0:20:050:20:10

I'll tell you something, Eric, that wee Colin,

0:20:100:20:12

he is a wanker but he cannae half go a drill.

0:20:120:20:15

Aye, I'll give him his due, he's done a good job.

0:20:150:20:18

Oh, aye, I should have got him over to ours last year

0:20:180:20:21

when we were redoing that patio.

0:20:210:20:24

Oh, what an exercise that was.

0:20:240:20:26

Me with the bags of sand, and our Sophie back and forward

0:20:260:20:31

with slabs in a wheelbarrow like Fred fucking West.

0:20:310:20:33

Hey, look at this pair in the goonies.

0:20:330:20:35

Are you going to do some synchronised swimming?

0:20:350:20:38

No, no, she'll just paddle with her legs.

0:20:380:20:40

We don't want the bubbles agitating Baby.

0:20:400:20:43

-CHRISTINE LAUGHS

-Speaking of which,

0:20:430:20:46

you havenae seen the scan picture yet, have you?

0:20:460:20:48

No.

0:20:480:20:49

Wait till we tell you all about it.

0:20:490:20:51

Cathy, I'll need to go.

0:20:530:20:54

-What?

-I'll need to go. I've got to finish packing.

0:20:540:20:57

Oh, don't leave me with her. You can't do that.

0:20:570:20:59

Cathy...

0:20:590:21:00

Get Eric to do it.

0:21:000:21:02

We haven't even had a shot in the hot tub yet. Come on, please?

0:21:020:21:05

Come on, sit down.

0:21:050:21:06

Here, Eric, all set for a quick dip, eh?

0:21:090:21:12

Oh, not for me today, no.

0:21:120:21:13

Oh, come on. Don't tell me you're worried about stripping off, surely?

0:21:130:21:17

I mean, you that's been on a diet.

0:21:170:21:18

No, no, it's just, you know, hot tubs are not really my thing.

0:21:180:21:22

Oh, come on, don't be shy, Eric,

0:21:220:21:23

you're in the best shape I've ever seen you in.

0:21:230:21:26

You must be right down to a, a what, an XL?

0:21:260:21:28

As a matter of fact, we were in at the doctor's this morning.

0:21:280:21:30

The nurse was saying she was pretty pleased with how I was doing.

0:21:300:21:33

Here, is that no' smashing? Well done.

0:21:330:21:35

-That's all your healthy living paid off, eh?

-Hmm.

0:21:350:21:38

Well, get that down you.

0:21:380:21:40

I'll get us a couple of cans of Stella out of the garage.

0:21:400:21:43

Here, Cathy, you get your arse over here

0:21:440:21:47

and have a look at this scan picture.

0:21:470:21:49

Now, be very careful with that, please, Cathy.

0:21:530:21:56

Yeah, it's the only one I've got.

0:21:560:21:58

Oh, Sophie, look at it, it's so tiny.

0:21:580:22:02

I know.

0:22:020:22:03

And all curled up, like a wee maggot in a nest.

0:22:030:22:07

Oh, it's changed days, I'll tell you.

0:22:090:22:11

They never had any of these scans when I was pregnant.

0:22:110:22:14

No, the doctor just put his specs on,

0:22:140:22:16

had a quick nosey about with his torch and sent you packing.

0:22:160:22:20

-Cheers.

-Cheers. Good health, aye.

0:22:200:22:22

-And how are you feeling, Sophie?

-I'm OK.

0:22:220:22:24

-No morning sickness?

-No.

0:22:240:22:26

-Sore back?

-No.

0:22:260:22:28

Prolapse, varicose veins, constipation?

0:22:280:22:31

Eh, no, no, no.

0:22:310:22:32

-Any cravings?

-No.

0:22:320:22:34

I have.

0:22:340:22:36

Another glass of your bubbly, Cathy, thanks.

0:22:360:22:39

Oh, she... The scan picture...

0:22:430:22:45

-It's fine.

-Eric.

0:22:450:22:47

What is it?

0:22:470:22:48

-Go home and finish our packing.

-Oh, what?

0:22:480:22:50

On you go. I don't want to leave everything until the last minute.

0:22:500:22:53

Oh, come on, can we not just do it later?

0:22:530:22:55

-No. Go.

-Beth!

0:22:550:22:57

Coming, Cathy.

0:22:570:22:58

Ian, there's more Tropicana in the fridge if you want it.

0:23:000:23:03

I'm OK, thanks.

0:23:030:23:05

And, Jaz, one of your wee pals down there's making a bid for freedom.

0:23:050:23:09

Here, Beth, are you all set for going away?

0:23:110:23:13

Just about.

0:23:130:23:15

Where are you flying from?

0:23:150:23:16

-Glasgow.

-Oh, aye.

0:23:160:23:17

That's a changed place since they had that terrorist attack, isn't it?

0:23:170:23:20

Oh, yes.

0:23:200:23:21

Oh, it's like Fort Knox.

0:23:210:23:23

Mind you, I knew a girl that worked in there,

0:23:230:23:26

spraying the perfumes, you know?

0:23:260:23:28

See the hours they've got them doing?

0:23:280:23:30

She was about ready for setting fire to herself to get out the place,

0:23:300:23:33

never mind get in.

0:23:330:23:36

Changed days, though, right enough, eh, Beth?

0:23:360:23:39

Isis, Al-Qaeda, Boko Haram - a pack of bandits.

0:23:390:23:45

I mean, say what you want about them,

0:23:450:23:47

you knew where you were with the IRA.

0:23:470:23:49

Right, is it not about time we christened this hot tub?

0:23:490:23:54

Oh, eh, eh, careful with that,

0:23:540:23:56

-please, Cathy, don't get it wet.

-HOT TUB BUBBLES LOUDLY

0:23:560:23:58

-Colin, make sure everyone's got a drink.

-Eh?

0:23:580:24:01

Make sure everyone's got a drink!

0:24:010:24:02

Oh.

0:24:020:24:03

Right, you, get your cossie on. Come on, Missus.

0:24:030:24:07

Well, I won't, Cathy. All my stuff's packed for going away.

0:24:070:24:10

Come on, boys, get your tops off.

0:24:100:24:13

Let's see the six-packs! Come on.

0:24:130:24:15

-Off, off, off, off!

-Off, off, off, off, off, off...

0:24:150:24:20

LOUD BUBBLING CONTINUES

0:24:200:24:22

Cathy.

0:24:220:24:23

Oh, what did I tell you?

0:24:230:24:25

-Just leave it.

-Oh!

-GLASSES CLANG AND SMASH

0:24:250:24:28

-Oh, my God!

-Oh! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

0:24:280:24:30

Christine, you stupid cow!

0:24:300:24:31

-Switch it off, Col.

-Eh?

0:24:310:24:34

Switch the fucker off!

0:24:340:24:36

Oh! Oh, God.

0:24:380:24:40

-They've smashed.

-BUBBLING STOPS

0:24:400:24:43

They've all smashed, Christine!

0:24:430:24:46

Well, don't blame me - it was you throwing that on the ground.

0:24:460:24:50

I did not throw it on the ground.

0:24:500:24:51

You did so.

0:24:510:24:53

Oh, shut up, Christine. Nobody gives a shit about it.

0:24:530:24:55

Oh, I beg your pardon.

0:24:550:24:57

Nobody cares about your scan picture.

0:24:570:25:01

Excuse me, but Beth had me over at hers

0:25:010:25:04

for hours talking about it, didn't you, Beth?

0:25:040:25:07

Cathy, just leave it.

0:25:070:25:08

Nobody cares?

0:25:080:25:10

Well, nobody gives a shite about your hot tub either -

0:25:100:25:13

big, overgrown paddling pool.

0:25:130:25:15

Christine, don't start.

0:25:150:25:17

Well, no wonder. There's always something with her, eh?

0:25:170:25:20

If it's not hot tubs, it's fancy fitted kitchens

0:25:200:25:24

and televisions in the lavvy.

0:25:240:25:27

What's next - a dry ski slope on the fucking roof, eh?

0:25:270:25:29

Enough! That is enough.

0:25:290:25:33

It was an accident.

0:25:330:25:34

My beautiful hot tub is full of broken glass.

0:25:340:25:37

It's not the end of a world, Cathy, is it, Colin?

0:25:370:25:40

Well, you can say that but, I mean, I need to get drained, you know,

0:25:400:25:44

and get the wee bits of glass hosed out it.

0:25:440:25:46

Shards.

0:25:460:25:47

Well, why don't we all go inside?

0:25:470:25:50

It's getting a bit chilly now, anyway.

0:25:500:25:52

Come on, let's go in.

0:25:520:25:53

Throwing Sophie's scan picture on the ground like that.

0:25:530:25:56

-Go home, Christine!

-Don't even start!

-Oh, come on!

0:25:560:25:59

-Don't even start.

-That's enough!

-Don't even...

0:25:590:26:01

-Stop it! Come on.

-We've had years of it. Years of it.

0:26:010:26:03

The pair of you are like a couple of barbarians.

0:26:030:26:05

Come on now, Cathy, come on.

0:26:050:26:06

Honest to God, come on. CATHY SOBS

0:26:060:26:08

She's totally up herself, so she is.

0:26:080:26:10

That's just typical. I didn't even get a chance to dip my toe in it.

0:26:140:26:17

CATHY SOBS AND MOANS

0:26:170:26:20

Listen, Cathy, I know this isn't a great time,

0:26:200:26:22

but I really should...

0:26:220:26:24

stick the kettle on.

0:26:240:26:26

Beth, could I get a wee cup of tea?

0:26:280:26:29

Shh!

0:26:290:26:31

Don't shush me.

0:26:310:26:32

HOT TUB BUBBLES LOUDLY

0:26:560:27:01

Help!

0:27:110:27:12

Oh, God, no.

0:27:120:27:14

-Eric!

-HOT TUB BUBBLES LOUDLY

0:27:140:27:16

Eric! No! Eric!

0:27:160:27:19

MUSIC: The First Cut Is The Deepest by Rod Stewart

0:27:190:27:21

# The first cut is the deepest Baby, I know

0:27:210:27:24

# The first cut is the deepest... #

0:27:240:27:28

Oh, this is the life, eh?

0:27:280:27:31

Oh, yes.

0:27:310:27:33

# She's cursed

0:27:330:27:35

# When it comes to loving me

0:27:350:27:38

# She's worse... #

0:27:380:27:41

Are you wanting a wee drink of something?

0:27:410:27:43

I wouldn't say no.

0:27:430:27:45

# I still want you by my side

0:27:450:27:50

# Just to help me dry the tears that I've cried... #

0:27:500:27:54

You're wanting me to get it?

0:27:560:27:58

If you would.

0:27:580:28:00

# And if you want

0:28:000:28:02

# I'll try to love again

0:28:020:28:05

# Baby, I'll try to love again

0:28:070:28:10

# But I know... #

0:28:100:28:12

HE SIGHS Ouch!

0:28:120:28:15

# The first cut is the deepest... #

0:28:150:28:18

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